Monday, December 3

Watch your step when exiting the ride.

The public text shaming worked!  I did not contact MDLL at all last week, even when I was shitfaced Thursday through Saturday.  I went to Crazy Ass for happy hour on Friday because he doesn't usually get there until around 11pm.  Juniper made sure we left by 10:30pm so I wouldn't see him. SCORE.

HE called ME last night though.  I miss him a lot and I wanted to hear his voice earlier in the day, but I stopped myself from calling.  I realized I have nothing to say at this point.  It turns out he didn't really have anything to say either.  Somehow we still managed to stay on the line for an hour and a half, neither of us wanting to be the one to say good-bye.  I eventually did and it sucked.

Last Wednesday I talked to my parents for a bit as I left the office. I was having a really rough day and just wanted them to say something nice to me.  My dad did exactly that and I felt much better. Unfortunately when I got out of the subway tunnel a few minutes later there was a SCATHING voicemail from him, basically telling me to get over it and to move on and that this was all my fault.

I didn't speak to my parents until Saturday when my mom reiterated the idea I am to blame.  I'm the one who pushed MDLL to be with me, who ignored all of the red flags, who pursued a man who didn't love me.  It was awful.  She even brought up the time I flew to Chicago to hang out with that guy Fish, even though they advised against it.  She said my heartache is self-inflicted because I have no self-respect. Thanks mom.

Look, I know I am stubborn, thick-headed, dramatic, and over-the-top, but you know what?  For the first time in my life I'm proud I'm these things.  I've certainly reeled it in a lot compared to the shit I pulled in my 20s, hell even shit I pulled two years ago, but this is me.  And I like me.  I really like me.  Yes I should do this and should not say that and blah blah blah...fuck off.  There are very few things I regret in my life and NONE of them are in regards to love.  I've screwed around, I've cried, I've fought, and now I've loved someone more than I thought I ever could love someone.  What point is there to regret any of my past experiences if they all brought me to now?  Yes, now is painful, but I know I need to feel this way to grow.

Let's just say I took everyone's advice about MDLL a year ago.  You know what would have happened?  I would have missed out on all of our happy, fun, and loving moments, on our deep connection, on amazing sex.  I would have missed out on all of the close friendships we made together with the other Crazy Ass barflys.  I still wouldn't know I am a good girlfriend and am capable of having a serious relationship, nor would I have come to the conclusion I am ready for marriage and want to be a mother one day. 

And when would the advice taking stop?  Would I feel the need to follow someone else's advice for my next relationship?  Fuck that.  I am a strong and independent woman, just like my mom always wanted.  I may be a pain in the ass and it's probably hard to watch me fail, but with every failure I am that much closer to success.  I will not apologize for taking life by the balls and living the shit out of it.

That being said, I have learned who I can share certain things with, and let's face it, my parents are not those people.  I know they love and worry about me, but they have no idea how to manage being on the sidelines watching me score or fumble.  I have to figure out the balance between inviting them to games versus only showing them the highlight reels.

Where does this leave everything?  My parents and I will get through it because they are my family and I'm not going to ditch them now.  They are just being dicks at the moment.  MDLL misses me, loves me, and wants to get back together.  I told him it's too late, I've reached my limit.  If we were to ever try again it will have to be a long time from now when the wounds are healed and we are on the same page.  I doubt this will ever happen and I'm not even sure I want it to at this point.

Our relationship never stopped being that roller coaster. I'm ready to get off the ride and find one just as fun and exciting, but less bumpy and painful.  It will be a while before I try another, so here's hoping the park won't close before I get the chance.

1 comment:

damiella said...

I'm just catching up on all of this now and I'm sorry that things didn't work out (and that your folks are being jerkoffs about it). I saw how happy you were but also how turbulent the relationship could be. It's so hard, sometimes the thing you think is making you the happiest is also the same thing that's holding you back from being truly content and fulfilled. You have to keep believing that this didn't work out to make way for something better.