Monday, December 17

Kids, Guns, Mentals Part 2

My previous post was written before the horrific shooting in Connecticut.

In Therapy Thursday the day before, I discovered my intense longing to meet my daughter Lauren Marie was more about me than her.  I imagined Lauren being everything I wasn't free to be as a child due to my emotional issues, low self-esteem, boob saga, weight problems, and abusive experiences, both verbally from my mom and physically with my cousin.

I pictured Lauren to be more than a free-spirit. She'd be a light, a rainbow, bringing joy to everyone she met.  She'd be creative, wildly artistic, and dress herself in mismatched clothes and tutus.  If she had emotional issues like me, I'd do my best to understand her and get her the help she needed. I'd hug her every night and tell her I love her over and over again, so she never felt alone or unwanted. In other words, I'd make damn sure she didn't have any of the same struggles I had growing up.

I realized this person I wanted to create wasn't my daughter. It was me.  It was my inner child.  I was subconsciously planning to live vicariously through Lauren rather than be the person I want to be or let her be the person she wants to be. For a moment I understood pageant moms.

Once I figured this out, my biological clock stopped ticking so loudly. I'd still like to be a mom one day, but the intense and suffocating urgency I felt the week before is gone.

Friday morning I was ecstatic. I was all ready to write about this with the awesomely gross title of "I'm pregnant with myself!".  Then the whole world went to shit.

My heart breaks for the families, teachers, fellow students, and friends of the victims.  I am disgusted, terrified and absolutely saddened by this horrible tragedy.  I hope they find solace, peace, and closure one day. I am putting all the faith and love I have out into the universe to hopefully ease some of their grief. I am so sorry for their loss.

Having spent the last couple of weeks thinking about motherhood, I now find my thoughts about it scattered and confused.  I cannot imagine being a parent at all right now.  I don't think I can handle the devastating pain of losing a child, the guilt and fear of giving birth to a monster, or worse, nurturing him to be one. 

There are two positive things hopefully coming out of this horrific event, one of them being a spotlight on mental healthcare.  Obviously I love therapy and am familiar with psychology, but many people aren't.  The masses need to understand there are many types of mental illness and need to be able to identify which ones are a danger to society. 

The usual description of a murderer is quiet, withdrawn, and anti-social. Well, that could also describe nerds and gamers.  The important thing to take note of is a person's disposition - Are they violent?  Do they hurt animals?  Do they "turn" like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?  Society can blame the media all the want, but it seems to me the real problem is when warning signs aren't addressed.  Again this is due to not knowing what the signs are in the first place. Hint - If you're afraid of someone, there's a reason.

The other positive?  Gun control.  Sorry NRA lovers, but this shit is fucking ridiculous. I've shot guns in a controlled environment. It was fun until I realized there is no reason to shoot a gun OTHER THAN TO KILL.  A while ago, probably after Aurora, I had a Facebook conversation with a high school friend.  He explained he owns guns because he lives in an area of South Carolina where help wouldn't reach him in time, should he need it.  I guess I can understand this to a point, but why live in such a secluded area then?  I live in NYC and I feel safer here than I do most other cities.  Maybe I'm living in a bubble, but I sure as hell don't feel the need to carry a gun to feel secure.

I'm starting to think Americans don't actually want to feel safe.  Or maybe its we don't know HOW to feel safe. We've grown accustomed to living in fear because that's what we're told to do.  The bible says to live in fear of God.  The government says to live in fear of terrorists.  Bigots say to live in fear of The Other - blacks, muslims, hispanics, gays, etc.  The media says to live in fear of toilets, plastic, and vitamins. We are a country of pussies when you think about it.  We fear everything we don't understand, which ironically IS everything.

I hope the victims of the four (!??!) mass murders we've had this year did not die in vain.  We need to make some changes in this country if we are going to survive.  Gun control and affordable mental healthcare are on the top of my list. I hope they are on Obama's too.

Peace, Love, Unity, Respect. PLUR.

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