Friday, December 7

Heart aerobics

Whoever created panic attacks is a dickcunt.  They usually feel like heart attacks, which just makes me panic more!!

All day my heart has been jumping out of my chest.  I thought it was the iced coffee, then I thought it was because I hadn't really eaten (I had a Kind bar at 10am then nothing until 3pm), then I thought I was dying, and now I realize I'm just mental.

Today was another super slow one at the midtown client's office, so per usual I was on Facebook.  I allowed myself to hulk out over some stupid Ben Stein religious/political/moronic rant, to only find out it was bullshit.  That was two hours ago and I still can't seem to get my Irish down!!


Truthfully I know why I'm so angry. It's misplaced frustration with my family and MDLL.  It's been another hard week of feeling down, so to take a break from the sad, I turned into mad.  This is subconscious of course, but at least I am aware of it when it happens.

I had a really great therapy session last night.  I cried a lot of the pain out, then focused on my disappointment for reverting back to my self-medicated ways of eating, drinking, and charging to excess.  I've mentioned my 20 pound weight gain and my fish-drinking, but I haven't come clean about the extra $5K I charged this year.  I got my $42K debt down to $17K and now it's back up to $22K.  I'm perturbed with myself.

I know I was doing these things because they are my lifelong coping mechanisms, but it bothered me how fast all three came back.  It bothered me until therapy when Cee helped me say this:

"I ran back to the things I'm familiar with because I was in unfamiliar territory."

Unfamiliar territory.  I love this phrase and it totally sums up where I've been for the past year, maybe more.  This is why I cherish therapy - while I can know the reason I do or feel things it takes a special way of hearing myself say it to hit home.

Being in love, being loved, commiting to MDLL, wanting a future with him, balancing the stress the relationship caused with my family and friends. It was all unfamiliar territory.  I ran back to what was familiar because I needed the balance to survive it.  Obviously I reverted back to my bad habits, but there were some positive ones too.  I'm reading more comics, watching more movies, writing in my journal, and enjoying art again.  It's nice to have those things back!

Falling off the wagon is nothing new.  People do it all of the time.  The good news is I am ready to get back on and get my shit in order again!!!

Heart aerobics over!!