Van Goghnope

I painted this monstrosity. It looks like a vase of weird nipples.

I actually threw it in someone's trash, kept walking, turned around, took it out of the trash and brought it home.

The reason I went back?  I gotta start somewhere. It'll be fun to see how I progress. Maybe?

Van Goghnuts

I can't believe how nervous I am to paint right now.

I'm not going to be any good.

I'm going to be embarrassed to show someone.

I should just leave.

This is dumb. Why do I think I WOULD be any good? I've never been trained to paint in my life. Do I think I'm Van Gogh? Should I be able to paint a masterpiece?

I never allow myself to learn, I just expect to be good at something immediately. Isn't that strange?? How can I have such low self- esteem and high self-expectations at the same time?

Is that WHY I have low self esteem? Because I don't think I'm good enough at anything, even things I've never tried before??

Oy vey.

Something nice at work!

This week was stressful because it's all out in the open that my London project is going to be late.  Management meetings, emails, grumblings, finger pointing, the works. My stomach has been in knots.

Thankfully there were two very nice things today.

My boss Tank is super supportive and is doing what he can to help take the heat off me and hit our last ditch go/no-go date of mid-April.  No matter what happens, I can honestly say I am so happy to have met him. He is an all around great guy.

Another all around great person is this woman, Kay.  We've been on two big projects together and she has always done an amazing job. We were never especially close, but very cordial. The past few weeks we bonded over turning 40. Then sadly, her father passed away, so I'd check in with her to make sure she was okay. Her family is in India, so I felt bad she was in mourning so far away.

Today she came by my desk and handed me a card. She said it was for my birthday, but she kept forgetting to give it to me.

She walked away as I opened it. There was a nice message and a TD Bank gift card inside! It didn't have an amount on it, but still, wow!! It was such a thoughtful and completely unexpected gesture that I was a bit in shock.  I went running over to her desk and thanked her profusely.

A little while later I wrote her an email saying how much it meant to me after a hard week and how kind she was for doing this.  She wrote:

"You are welcome. You deserve to be treated special!"

Whaaa?? Me?? SO SWEET!

I felt weird immediately looking up the gift card amount, so I waited another hour or so.  I was still so surprised by it!! I figured maybe it was a few dollars for coffee or something...BUT IT WAS $50!! What the hell? I can't believe it!

This week really sucked because I feel like a complete an utter failure.  Then Kay just came out of left field and made me feel like I matter, that I'm actually a nice person, not some awful dragon lady fuckup that people hate working with.

Kay gave me so much more than $50. She made me feel appreciated, liked, and worthy.

That is priceless.

Thank you so much, Kay. It was the perfect gift at the perfect time.

Time to go...again

I'm starting to look for a new job again. It's painful because I tried really hard at Harpoon, but it's not working out.

It's also not as easy to look for a job this time around. I don't know if it's because I'm older, have much higher salary requirements, or am medicated. Maybe it's all three. I still get those intense impulses to quit without a job, but now I have a little more self-control.  I definitely want to leave as soon as possible, however I have to be patient. It'll take more time than it did in my 20s and 30s.

Nothing essentially bad happened. It's the same as it's always been with me and my jobs - I have high expectations, they are not met, I become so stressed out that I get sick, and I leave.  I've been in therapy since 2005 and I still can't figure out how to detach from work, how to say "it's just a job".  Work has and probably always will be the trigger to all of my issues because it's the one area of my life I can't control.

Now I don't mean I control MD or my friends or anything. By "control" I mean I actively created those relationships and worlds. I chose my inner circle and thankfully, they chose me too.  At work I can't choose anything.

The funny thing is on paper I SHOULD stay. Here are the pros of my current position:

1. I really like what I do. I've always loved problem solving and helping others. I also love the creativity of coming up with new processes and applications.

2. My boss Tank is the nicest guy in the world and has been very supportive.

3. I am paid well and have excellent benefits.

4. I've been sent to Paris and London numerous times for my projects.

5. I can work from home whenever I need.

6. I basically come and go as I please.

7. Every business person I've served to date is pleasant and appreciative. That's huge when you're in IT.

8. I've come a looooong way with managing my emotions and not lashing out, although I really do want to tell people to fuck off.

9. I learned a ton about business analysis, systems, and project management.

10. Lastly I've made good friends, but this doesn't really lead to me staying at a job because I know I will always keep in touch with the ones who matter.

The cons:

1. My job relies on development. I design a system, DEV has to complete it.  This is the problem at Harpoon - our DEV department is highly lacking efficient talent.

2. Because DEV doesn't deliver, I have to repeatedly apologize to the business for delays.  That's the hard part of being a business analyst - I have to woman up and accept responsibility if my project isn't going well.

3. My London project isn't going well. We aren't going to hit our deadline. I really tried to get ahead of the DEV issues, but I failed.

4. I do not want to fail, but senior management sets us up to fail. They set unrealistic timelines despite knowing the resource issues.

5. I had success with two projects and never once received the "standard" completion bonus that others received.

6. As glamorous as traveling the world sounds, I'm tired. I don't want to make any plans. I just want to veg out all the time. I miss doing stuff.

7. There is sexism in the department, but that's everywhere. Frankly most men don't know what to do with a strong and assertive female co-worker.  Yes I'm emotional, but fuck you.

So that's it. It's time to go again, but now I'm stuck trying to figure out what to do.

Ideally I win the lottery and go to art school and grad school full-time and finally become an art therapist.

WOW. I typed that last sentence REALLY fast.  I didn't even know I wanted to still do art therapy. WOW. I'm really surprised right now.

Holy shit, that's AWESOME!

Okay, okay. Shit, wow. I don't need to win the lottery to do this. I just need to be financially set.

Alright, what do I need to do?

1. I need savings. Portugal wasn't that expensive, but Hawaii will be. Also we owed a lot on our taxes this year. Step one - save money.

2. I can't sign up for classes if I have to travel this often. Step two - find a job with no travel requirements.

3. MAKE ART EVERYDAY. Even if I'm not in school I need to open myself up creatively.

4. Research programs.

5. Fucking smile because this is awesome. YAAAAAAY!!!

Turning 40!

In 49 days I will be 40 years old. FORTY! That's insane!!

I won't believe it! I can't believe it!*

A couple of months ago I was getting my haircut. I mentioned to the stylist that I was going to be 40 and she didn't flinch! I'm used to the, "No you're not!" or "Get outta town!" the latter of which, no one has actually said to me ever, but I like the sound of.

That was the first time turning 40 weirded me out. I've never been one to care about my age, probably because I've never been this old before.

I couldn't figure out what was bothering me. Am I not the person I want to be at 40? I don't know...did I want to be anyone else by now?

I did a little digging into past Thighs.  Per my blog, there were only two things I wanted to do before 40:

1. Pay off my credit card debt. TASK COMPLETE!

2. Have a kid. TASK DELETED.

When I was around 36 I was very much on the baby train. I even considered asking MD to impregnate me and I would be a single mother.  Since then I've clearly changed my mind and I'm glad. I absolutely love babies. I love toddlers. I love all kids until the age of 13 and then I really don't know what to say to them because in a weird way I revert back to 13 around them and worry they'll think I'm a dork. An old dork.

Anyway, not having a kid was the best decision I've ever made. I have too many mental health issues and too many activities. Sleeping is my new favorite hobby and a kid would get in the way of it.

And here's my AHA moment.

My problem with 40 is not that I didn't have a kid...it's that I AM NOT A KID.

At 40 I am 100% not a kid anymore. I am an adult. Sure some people would say I was an adult at 35 or 30. Not my 20s because well, read this blog from the beginning.

But at 40?? No denying it now. I'm an adult. BLECH.

On the plus side, you know what's cool about being an adult with no debt and no children?

I'm going to Portugal for my 40th!  I'm visiting my college roommate Blancs for a week. Yay!

And then MD turns 40 in June, so we're going to Hawaii for two weeks in September for a double 40th celebration!

WOO HOO!!

I'm sure I'll have a few more "YIKES!" moments over the next seven weeks, but it'll be fine.

The happy truth is my life gets better and better with every decade.

So come on 40. Let's do this.




*That was a Roger Rabbit quote.

The rest of the week.

I have to remind myself that I am not ALL one thing, ALL the time.  I am anger, I am happiness, I am sadness, I am light, I am dark, I am everything. We all are.

Yes, I have anger issues. Yes, they get worse as shit in the world gets worse. And yes, they get worse when I'm PMSing which I was last week and didn't realize it.

The week ended up being pretty strange because I got shitfaced Tuesday night.  I had a work party and I don't know what I was thinking, but I decided I was going to drink. I believe I had three glasses of wine, four glasses of whiskey, and half a cider.  That's a lot, especially for someone who is "sober".

I had a blast. My current coworkers have never known Party Thighs and it was fun she made an appearance. I miss her. I miss identifying as her. I was in my red-faced, giggly, mega-smile glory. I'm told I'm not really different drunk or sober, but I obviously feel different. That's why I drank so much my whole life. I loved being fucked up.

See that? "Loved" past tense. As much fun as I had bonding with my coworkers, I did NOT have fun after I left the bar.  I was fine when I got on the subway, but I was getting drunker by the second. The trains were delayed, so it took me about an hour to get from downtown to 34th Street which should usually only take 20 minutes. I jumped out and took a cab the rest of the way. When I finally got home I said to MD, "I like getting drunk, I don't like BEING drunk." Then I puked my guts out. 

The next morning MD said he hasn't seem me like that in years. There's no reason for me to get that drunk anymore, even if I'm wired that way. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic I guess. Typically I'd beat myself up for my bad behavior, but I let it go. I paid the price anyway, so why make it worse on myself.  

The hangover plus my PMS just made me completely off all week. I was dehydrated, lethargic, anxious, paranoid, and a bit disassociated. I FINALLY feel like myself again today, five days later.  So dumb.

Despite my binge night and resulting hangover, there were two really nice things that also happened last week.

I took my parents to their first basketball game. It was one of their Christmas presents, the other being tickets to their first hockey game, too.  I love sharing new experiences with people, especially them! When they lived in Jackson they rarely went anywhere. It's actually kind of weird now that I think about it. I know they didn't have much money when Rip and I were kids, but I'm not sure why they didn't do anything after we left. I used to think it was just the curse of suburban living, that you get sucked into your home, and there's nothing to do in your podunk town. Then I met people who live in suburbia and actually seek out fun and culture, so apparently my parents were just hermits. I'm so glad they have grown out of it and doing shit now!

The other nice thing was I ran into Rem at the game, my old work husband from my consulting gig. I know I've written about him in the past, but the blogger search isn't great so I can't find all of the old posts.  I started working at Biz January 2011 and I believe Rem left the firm I was consulting at in the fall of 2012.  That might have been the last time I saw him.

In that short period of time, Rem and I became extremely close.  We were also very attracted to each other. At least I think he was...we did make out once when MD and I were on a break. If I hadn't been in love with MD, I probably would have tried to date Rem, if he'd have me. I felt a deep connection with him from the start. Of course the only problem was most of our relationship was me talking about MD, so that wasn't a great way to convey my admiration and appreciation for Rem.

Over the years I've emailed him to keep in touch, but it never really stuck. The last we spoke he was living in Bay Ridge, which is where my parents live again, so I always hoped we'd run into each other.

Man, when I saw him at the Nets game, I was so friggin happy and warm and fuzzy! I probably would have melted had it not been for my raging hangover from the ridiculousness the night before. No ulterior motive or unrequited love feelings, just pure happiness from finally seeing my old friend. He's married too now and I whole heartedly wish him the best. 

It's strange, usually I'd try to make plans with someone I hadn't seen in a while, but I don't think I can with him. I don't know if we'll ever make a concerted effort to hang out, that maybe the best I can hope for is to run into each other from time to time. I wonder if he feels the same way. 

Shit...I just realized I might have told him about this blog. Shit...are your reading this?  

Well, if you are - Rem, I love you, buddy. I look back at our friendship with that same mega-smile I have when I'm wasted, so you know it meant something to me.  As I type this, MD won't stop talking to me about nonsense and I can't help, but laugh. He's my heart and I know your wife is yours, so we ended up where we should be. I am grateful to know you and so incredibly happy to see you. Thanks for being happy to see me, too.

Shanger

Part of the bad stuff from 2017 is my new opinion of the world. 

I used to be a kind and friendly person. Now I hate everyone, I'm quick to judge, on the attack, and looking for a fight. It's not good.

To be clear I've always been one to stand up for myself and call someone out for their bullshit, so that hasn't changed. That's healthy. This is different.

I'm not sure when this started happening, but all signs point to 2013.  I believe that's when I started having regular altercations with people.  One of the first times was when I got kicked out of the movie Gravity for yelling at a woman who would not stop talking. This is a hilarious statement and the whole situation was pretty funny, but at the time I didn't know what was to come.

The fights got worse the following year, most notably when I made a huge fucking scene fighting with some jerk at Lincoln Center after a Tim Burton film concert. The reason for the fight is moot at this point, but picture me and my big mouth, screaming every curse word in existence at the top of my lungs, and also pushing a 50+ year old woman. In Lincoln Center. Classy.

I can't recall any situation as bad as that one, thankfully.  That was around the time I was off the Zoloft and trying out the shitty Lamictal, the meds that fucked me up most of 2014.  No excuse, but I was in a really bad place.

That was the worst to date (thank you current meds!), but I still run my mouth. Some days I yearn for confrontation. Anyone want to dance? You, who wouldn't move in on the subway? You, who didn't say thank you when I held the door open? You, who talked through the whole play/movie?  I'M READY FOR YOU ASSHOLES.

And that's just my day to day anger. There are whole other levels of fury when it comes to the current administration and his shitdick supporters. The past year and a half has been extremely rough. I want to kill everyone, but I believe in gun control so I can't.

So, why write about this now?  I had a really good therapy session tonight.  We talked about how my anger probably comes from a place of feeling threatened and vulnerable. In reality I am not in any danger, nor am I helpless; I just feel this way.

Honestly, I think the reason is self-preservation. If I think the worst in people, I won't be let down.

I used to think people are inherently good. I used to give people the benefit of the doubt. I used to think that love was everything.  Now I don't. It sucks.

I don't want to be a bitter and mean person. I don't want to think people are horrible.

I also don't want to be disappointed in people either.  And lately, that's what I feel I am, constantly disappointed by small inconsiderate actions affecting my daily life to the larger and more heartbreaking wrongs that don't affect me directly, such as racism, homophobia, or xenophobia.

That's a weird jump, but I wanted to acknowledge that I know most of what sets me off is trivial. I have perspective when I'm calm. Who gives a fuck the bitch with 14 tote bags keeps hitting me with them when there are WAY more serious things to be enraged about? 

My concern is I have turned into someone I don't want to be.  I hate...and I hate that hate.

Rah, my psychiatrist, said I should keep track of my angry thoughts. From 13th Street to home took about 45 minutes. I had five angry thoughts. I meant to write them down as soon as I got home, but I forgot. Here are the two I remember:

1. Train went express, so I had to get out at Queensboro Plaza. I stood by window and a girl sitting inside looked at me weird. Sort of a smirk, but maybe not?  I thought, "Bitch, what do you want?" Then I laughed at myself for being crazy.

2. I got off train and walked from 39th Avenue to 36th Avenue. (The MTA closed my subway stop for the next eight months, which also infuriates me.) The sidewalks aren't completely shoveled, so I took it slow through the slush. I could feel someone pretty close behind me and I thought, "Fucking asshole, just go around me. I'll fuck you up."

The good news - these were only thoughts. The bad news - WHAT IS MY DAMAGE?? 

Why am I so damn sensitive? Why do I think I could beat the shit out of someone?  Why am I so angry goddamit???

2017, yo!

Happy New Year! 2017 was great on a personal, inner circle level.  The rundown:

1. Our first year of marriage was...I don't know what word I want, but I have a HUGE smile on my face. Things were the same for the most part, although I do love saying "husband".  There's definitely a new bond between us. Maybe it's the...

OMG. So while I'm smiling and happily thinking of MD, he wakes up and I want to kill him. We've had a fly problem the past two months and couldn't figure out where they were coming from. This morning I realized the super installed a new ceiling light in our bathroom right around the same time. I used the fly swatter to feel around it and found a gap. I'm 100% sure that's where they are coming from. MD was like, "No, I don't think so." and walked away. YES YOU SHOULD THINK SO. Then he changed his mind and agreed with me, so we're fine and I love him again. This is the perfect glimpse into our marriage.  I love him and I want to strangle him.

2. My parents moved back to Brooklyn in 2015 (not sure if I wrote about it since then). I am really enjoying this new chapter in our relationship! I see them at least once a month, usually meeting in the city for dinner or a fun activity. For Christmas I bought them tickets to their first basketball and hockey games. They never really went out in Jackson, so I'm excited they are broadening their horizons and interests.

3. My absolute favorite moment of 2017 was St. Patty's Day with my dad. Last summer his best friend Philly passed away. He got sick pretty quickly and died in July. His funeral was on my dad's birthday. It was so upsetting. I think they were 13 when they met. They were both so excited to see each other more often once my parents moved back to NY.

The only day they did see each other for the past 30 years was St. Patty's Day. My heart broke thinking how upset my dad would be his first year without Philly. I thought we should do something really special for him, so we secretly planned to fly Rippie out and surprise him.

We killed it!! My parents were already at Smith's. I walked in and Rippie waited outside for about 10 minutes. My dad had his back to the door, so Rip walked in behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. I will never forget the way my dad looked at him, turned away, and looked back again and screamed. We all cried. It was perfect and we all had such a great day together.

4. Another great moment - Rippie and Veev just got engaged! I was in Pittsburgh when they called and I sobbed with happiness at a Panera Bread. Honestly the tears really surprised me. This was a deep soul cry. I was overcome with joy and now that I'm thinking about it, pride. I'm so proud of Rippie for opening himself up to love, nurturing that love, and now uniting with his love.

I am a fucking sap in my old age.

5. Travels! As I wrote in my last drunken post, I travelled a lot for work this year. It's exhausting and stressful (more on this later), but it is also cool as hell. Another favorite moment of the year is meeting MD in London. It was ridiculously expensive for him to take the same flight as me, so he flew in the night before. It was so fun to get to the hotel and have him there waiting for me. We're fancy!

6. Food! So much good food! For our anniversary we splurged and went to DelFrisco's. It was an amazingly expensive and delicious meal.

7. Entertainment! I read 96 books this year.  No one thinks graphic novels should count though, so as far as prose books go I read 45. That's a lot!! I also went to 22 plays, 24 movies, and two Mets games.

8. Money! I have a healthy savings, no debt, and my 401K is in good shape again. MD has some debt we're paying off together and we should be completely debt free by the end of the year. Woo hoo!

9. Health! I'm doing well! I had a handful of manic episodes, a few sinus infections, and a couple of back spasms, but it wasn't that bad! And this is coming from a negative and dramatic hypochondriac, so you know it's true!

I guess that's the year in a nutshell! I'm just really enjoying my time home. I didn't even go out last night for New Year's Eve. I did a puzzle all day, wrote in my journal, watched football, and stuffed myself silly with Indian food. MD slept through the ball drop. It was perfect.

Now there's a whole other not-so-perfect parts of 2017 to write about, but I don't think I have it in me right now. To be continued!