OHMYGOSH!

And the BEST news of the weekend...I DANCED IN MY LIVING ROOM!

Dancing with my headphones on has always been my safe place/thing to do. I haven't done it in months. MONTHS. I was so disconnected with my self while I was sick that I haven't missed it either.

Then all of a sudden on Sunday I was like I NEED TO DANCE. The confusion with MDLL plus me feeling better kicked in the urge. I downloaded some new tunes and went at it for about a half hour before I met MDLL out, then I danced another hour or so when I got home. I loved every minute of it.

When someone asks me if I'm a music person, I tend to say no. I don't seek new tunes, don't go to concerts, never know what the name of a song is or who sang it. It's so funny though because once I'm in my own little world dancing around, all I can think about is how wonderful it is to feel the music in my soul.

YAY!

Ha!

Funny, Sunday night Mick and The Gentleman were hanging out at the bar about fifty feet away from me and MDLL. Mick and MDLL both grabbed me basically at the same time once I walked in, so they met. It wasn't a big deal. I thought it might be weird introducing The G-Man to him though so I didn't push it. The G-Man seemed a little sad, which made me feel bad. I still think he's really attractive, so I'm sure he'll find another lady soon enough. I hope so!

Only the beer garden could bring all of the guys I slept with in the past twelve months together. Then again that's what happens when you bang your neighbors.

Gah!

I just killed two bugs. Not roaches, bugs.

I hate this weather!!! GAH!

New Information

I had a very interesting weekend.

I learned some new information about MDLL. I'm not ready to share exactly what it is yet, which is funny since I probably told half of you individually anyways. It doesn't feel right to post about it as it's not my story to tell. Thighs is about me and my life, not his. Maybe I'll go into more detail once I know how it affects me.

So why even bring it up? A few reasons:

1. I am so, SO proud of the way I am reacting to the news. I feel very calm, mature, and levelheaded. It could have ruined the weekend, hell maybe even our relationship, but I didn't/don't want it to. After nine months of dating on and off, there's obviously something here. I'm not ready to throw in the towel.

2. I am excited about this journey. I feel like this is going to be a huge learning experience for the both of us. Hopefully we work through it and end up in a happy and committed relationship. If not, I am certain whatever we take from this will help our next one.

3. I've never felt this close to love before in my life. I can't imagine him NOT being my taco lobster. If he isn't, holy crap. Taco lobster love will be amazing then.

4. One of the things I am struggling with is the idea of full disclosure. He should have told me about this sooner, WAY sooner, but he didn't. Everyone I discussed this with agrees. I never thought I needed a dating "Need to know" file, probably because I've never dated someone who is this tightlipped about personal matters.

I didn't realize I needed to know this until I found out. Again, I'm sure you'd all agree with me on this point. Opinions would differ when it comes to how to react.

The thing is now I find myself wondering what in my life MDLL might file under "Need to know." There are a few things that may be hard to hear. I guess this is why I can understand not telling someone something you think would ruin a relationship.

Interestingly enough, it was MDLL's muteness that stopped me from sharing some of my "secrets" already. He made me realize I don't need to lay all of my cards out on the table and say "HEY! DEAL WITH THIS!" right away. I am enjoying saving chapters of my life (good and bad) for later because I WANT there to be a later with him.

Hmmmm....

Another good morning!

Today is the first day all year I'm away for work and can actually appreciate being in a different city.  I'm definitely getting better!

P.S.

"Nice!" was also MDLL's response when I offered to be his own personal prostitute.  I wonder how much I should charge him.

Nice!

On train to Philly right now. I feel pretty good!  Nice!

Admittedly...

the chest pain is probably indigestion and anxiety.

I scarfed down a greek yogurt on the way to the subway.

I got upset because the commute to the first doctor's visit took forever, I got more upset when I couldn't walk, then even MORE upset after all the back and forth adding to my exhaustion. I haven't been able to get rid of this rock in my chest since.

It's now almost 7pm and I'm about to do work, then pack for Philly. I don't want to go.

In fact, I don't want to do anything except have sex with MDLL. I wonder if he would pay me, so that I can quit my job. I wonder if I'm that good...

SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX

My Day

My day started at 6am. I was dead tired as I'm still not sleeping through the night. For over a week now I keep waking up every 3-4 hours either to adjust my boob (it's hurting again) or to pee. ANNOYING.

On Friday the doctor said I have a heart murmur and told me to go for an echocardiogram. I had to be there by 8am and after a slow subway ride and stupid cab ride, I made it just in time. Why a cab? My heart/chest was killing me. I had to walk from Broadway to 1st Ave (about 3/4 of a mile for you non-NYers) and I couldn't make it. I was completely winded, so I hopped into a cab about half way through only to get stuck in the midtown tunnel traffic. I was close, but still had to walk a bit. STUPID.

The doctor also gave me a DPT immunization on Friday. She said to call her if the injection site becomes red or bumpy. Guess what?? It did. OF COURSE.

The cardiologist's office was right by the doctor's office, so I called as soon as I was done with the hopes I can pop right in. No such luck. I stood on 34th Street for about a half hour waiting for a call back before heading up to midtown. I got to work at 10am. The doctor called a few minutes later asking me to come down again at 1pm. SHEESH.

My chest was still hurting at work, so I barely got anything done in the two hours I was there. Instead I IMed Bacon gossip from the weekend. It made me feel better. YAY!

The doctor looked at my arm said I have an infection at the injection site. I'm now on antibiotics. UNBELIEVABLE.

Today's travels included one cab ride, three subway rides, and four bus rides. METROCARD!

By the time I got back to Astoria I was exhausted. I dropped off my prescription, slept for an hour, picked up my prescription, ate, and am now blogging. I've done zero work. D'OH!

Funny news of the day? My bloodwork says I am healthy. Ha! Thyroid, cholesterol, vitamins, platelets, organs, etc. all good. Oddly enough, my mono levels have not changed though. The doctor said since I will always be a carrier of mono, it will always show up in my blood. She now believes I never had active mono and it is NOT the reason I've been sick all year. WHAAAA??

That brings us back to the candida/yeast overgrowth. I was really strict with my diet this weekend and started taking a probiotic. I felt pretty good!! I was able to go to both Bacon's party and Crazy Ass on Saturday. I had a couple of gin and tonics with TONS of water. A slight buzz, but nothing crazy. The last thing I need is a hangover these days. Yesterday I saw Bridesmaids (HYSTERICAL! GO!) and then went to MDLL's. I was in bed by 10:30pm, but again, didn't sleep well. TIRED.

Now just gotta wait and see what happens with the echocardiogram, the shot infection, and the usual lightheadedness, exhaustion and chest pain. SIGH.

Rapture!

Soooo what is the deal with today? Are we all going to die or is it just Christians? I'd Google it, but religious fanatics frighten me.

If for whatever reason we don't make it, here are my parting thoughts:

Quinoa is like corn. I can see it in my poop.

The end.

Thanks Verizon Wireless!

I rarely ever go over my 450 peak minutes, except when I'm having a nervous breakdown and call, of all people, my mother.

With working from home and traveling I almost went over a couple of weeks ago, so I quickly upped my minutes to the next level. Unfortunately it didn't go through immediately, so Verizon charged me an extra $50.

One quick phone call and they removed the charge because they realized it was a timing issue between when I increased my minutes and the overage. It helped that I've never been late on a payment for ten years.

Thanks Verizon Wireless! I've always loved your service.

A couple of things though:

1. You should make a note on the "Increase Your Minutes" link that it takes a day to activate.

2. It's a shame you don't do roll-over minutes. I'd probably have a million. This is probably why you don't offer it, huh?

A good day!

I was super upset about not having celiac. I know that must sound/read weird, but it's the truth. I wanted to have it because it was an answer to everything that has gone wrong this year. It also would have meant I was right, something I haven't felt in a long time.

That changes today! I dumped my male chauvinist fuckface primary doctor group and went to Bacon's primary this morning. This doctor was FANTASTIC. She listened to my story, asked a lot of questions, and without hesitation said she most definitely thinks I have a yeast overgrowth. Back to candida!!

She told me to go on a strict yeast-free diet for a week and to come back next week to discuss how I feel. I've basically been eating yeast and gluten-free for a month now, so it's not that bad at all! I was looking forward to having a beer tomorrow night at Crazy Ass's anniversary party, but no can do. I can drink vodka and gin, so at least that's something. Yeah, yeah. I don't have to drink AT ALL, but it's been three weeks! Momma could use a good buzz.

I feel GOOD. Sure I was lightheaded and shit this morning, but right now I am A-OK.

Other things to feel good about:

1. I made it into the office four days this week. (I skipped today for the doctor's appointment.) Yay! Iron (my boss) has been so kind and understanding about all of this. She wrote a really nice email the other day saying she hopes the job isn't stressing me out and making me feel worse because she loves me and would hate to lose me! HOW AWESOME IS THAT? I'll be in Philly with her next Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm looking forward to it, although I am a tad nervous about traveling again. Getting sick while away on business is the worst. I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

She also invited me to a conference in DC the week of June 12th. I'm getting business cards and shirts with the company logo on it. I'm dork-cited!!

2. Therapy is going really well. I love Cee. I'm not ready to share anything yet, but I will eventually. We're going to meet every Tuesday night. If I'm away for work will do a phone call instead. There's also a focusing workshop the last Saturday of every month that I'm really looking forward to attending. It feels good to be back.

3. Last but certainly not least, MDLL. I'm in love. LOVE LOVE LOVE. I never thought it could be like this. I'm so impulsive and reactionary and impatient and - what's the nice word for being those things? - passionate that I've never allowed anything to grow organically. Not a thing. Not even the marijuana seeds I planted in my parents' backyard. I got bored and dug them up after a week. A funny thing happened, though. I must have missed a few seeds because around a year later I noticed a little seven inch pot plant by the fence. SOMEHOW the damn thing grew without me staring at it or trying to will it out of the ground.

It's the same thing with MDLL. Our relationship is slowly turning into something I've never experienced before and can't quite yet describe. It grew the minute I stopped trying to force it to grow, on it's own time. Maybe this is what dating is like for patient people? Who knows. All I do know is MDLL makes me much happier and higher than weed ever did.

73

I told MDLL about my spending tracker.

"You write down everything?"

"Like 99% of what I bought for the last two and half years, even Peppermint Patties from the vending machines."

"Peppermint Patties?"

"Yeah, I was a bit addicted."

"Well...how many did you buy?"

The addiction started in May 2010 and ended this year.

I bought 73 Peppermint Patties in seven months.

Is that a lot?

I do NOT have celiac.

I am crushed. I really thought this was the answer. The doctor called three hours ago. I haven't stopped crying since.

I don't know what to do. I really don't. Do I give up now and just live in a constant state of exhaustion and stress over what to eat? Do I keep pretending I have it to be on the safe side? There is no FUCKING WAY I am eating bread because if I have another FUCKING reaction and it turns out to be FUCKING NOTHING AGAIN I will CUT A BITCH.

You know what I want to fucking do? I want to run away and never look back.

Thanks Celestial Seasonings!

This makes me feel better...

"If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking." - Buddhist Proverb

Black Swan

Not the best movie to watch if you're someone who questions their sanity on a daily basis and has been on apartment-rest for over two weeks.

Yikes.

It's all happening!

Okay, maybe my health woes are coming to an end! Yay!

Wednesday I got pretty sick again. I was fine after a greek yogurt, then got sick after eggs, red pepper, and feta. I honestly didn't think any of that would be an issue, but that's the problem. I won't know what's an issue until it is one!

I was so uncomfortable and out of it that I called the gastroenterologist with the hopes I can get the upper endoscopy done sooner. I figured it was best to go in while I felt like shit. Luckily she had an opening Thursday afternoon. A big thanks to my heatherosexual life partner Florence Bacongale who picked me up and took care of me afterwards. (I couldn't leave on my own because of the anesthesia.)

The doctor found I have gastritis in my stomach and atrophic mucosa in my duodenum. That last bit means my intestinal villi are flattened. This is a key indicator of...wait for it...CELIAC! Woo hoo! I'm possibly not crazy! My blood tests came back negative for it, but the best way to tell is taking a biopsy. Fingers crossed the results tell me SOMETHING! GAH!

From the little research I've done on celiac (I'm trying my best to stay off the interwebs to keep my anxiety in check), there is a link between it and mono, stress, AND a vitamin B12 deficiency. I have all three. I also read that the villi absorb nutrients and help digest simple sugars, which may also be the reason why I can't seem to handle any sugar at all. The villi also help to digest lactose, so it's possible the combo of the red pepper and the feta was a big no no.

Since Wednesday I've been eating pretty bland, one thing at a time to pinpoint what is an issue or not. My diet is basically greek yogurt, eggs, chicken, steak, veggies, and a little fruit. I lost another three pounds this week. I'm happy and not happy about it. I mean, it's great to lose weight but I don't want to be afraid to eat! I'm going to brunch in a couple of hours and I'm a bit nervous about it. I just need to get used to reading menus and planning what I'm going to eat beforehand. It's really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things!

Obviously I'm already on the celiac boat. Watch the biopsies say I don't have it. It just seems way too coincidental that I get sick after bread. I now don't think the Valtrex had anything to do with my sickness two weeks ago. I really think it was the beer, pumpernickel bread, and muesli with fruit. Stupid ass me thought muesli was made of oats. Boy was I wrong!! I went food shopping this morning and read a box of it. It has wheat, barley, and rye the three worst possible things a celiacan (is that the right word?) can eat!!! MORON!! No wonder I got so sick!!

I don't understand why I am really sensitive to it ever since the Valtrex though. In January I was only sick a few days each time, but this seems to be dragging on. ANY bit of gluten or sugar seems to be fucking with me. I haven't been able to do much of anything. Work is piling up like crazy and I can't be bothered. I don't even watch TV, I just sit around and talk to myself. It's my favorite pastime.

Yesterday I was super sore and uncomfortable all day. It turns out there was a lot of air in my intestines, so once that cleared (by way of fartage) I was fine.

Sorry this blog has become a boring health story. I'm still funny, I swear!! Funny looking anyways.

Bacon gave me some tough love this week, which I desperately needed. She said I have a 10pm bedtime for the next two weeks and I am not allowed to have MDLL stay over or stay at his place because he keeps me up with his snoring. While I hate that I can't go out and do what I want, Bacon is absolutely right. I need rest and time to heal.

To make myself feel better, I set a party goal. I'd like to be in good shape for Crazy Ass's anniversary party on May 21st. By then I should definitely know the issue and the triggers. My beer drinking days might be over, but I will always be a bar girl!!

Weekly Update

My 2011 sickness refuses to fucking end.

I was home on bed/couchrest for a full week. I tried to work, but I didn't have the focus or energy. When I did feel up to doing anything, I'd take walks around the neighborhood. Some days it was hard, some days it wasn't. Thankfully the weather was gorgeous.

I was feeling better over the weekend then WHAM. Last night I got hit with the shit again. I don't know what's happening! It can't possibly be the Valtrex (go ahead and laugh, I still do) at this point, so it must be digestive.

Yesterday was the first day I went back to work, so I knew I would be exhausted. I left at 4pm, napped until 6pm, then woke up feeling horribly fatigued and rundown. Janeypants and I were supposed to meet up, but she was nice enough to come by my place instead. We talked for a while, I packed for Philly, then I went to bed. I woke up around 12:30am with everything hurting: my stomach, chest, head, neck, arm, knees, foot. I was up all night.

I seriously think I have problems digesting sugar. I had beer for the first time over the weekend. Right before I got tired yesterday I had a banana and an aloe vera drink that I didn't realize contained honey and sugar. Other than that I've been sticking to proteins. The one thing that makes me feel awesome after I eat is a bacon cheeseburger wrapped in lettuce. No joke. I've had four in the past week. Remind me of this when I have high cholesterol next month.

Obviously I can't self-diagnose anymore, so I went to a gastroenterologist this morning. Next week I'm going for an upper endoscopy to find out once and for all what is going on. ANSWERS PLEASE!

The good news is I seem to have my anxiety about all of this under control. I didn't panic last night and I made the quick (and right) decision this morning to cancel on the Philly trip. Of course, now I'm a bit worried I will be fired but fuck it. Worse things can happen, like oh I don't know, death by undiagnosed mystery ailment.

I did have a few panicky moments last week. I was alone in my apartment for four days straight, so of course I went a little nuts. It was mainly about MDLL of course. It always is. I feel like he's going to get sick of me being sick and stop wanting to hang out. Truthfully there is no reason to think this. He's been so fucking awesome! Two weekends ago when I was super sick he spent all day Saturday and Sunday with me watching TV. (Eastbound and Down is the funniest shit ever!) This past weekend I had the energy to go out for a bit so we hung out at his place Friday, texted all day Saturday, and walked around the neighborhood and hung at Delilah on Sunday.

Needless to say it's been very rough to be sick for four months and not know what's wrong. I made it through thanks to Bakes, Juniper, Jarv, Rocks and Tron. If it weren't for them I don't know where I'd be.

I have to give a special thanks to MDLL for helping me through the past couple of weeks. Getting super sick again almost crushed me, even with knowing I have mono. Having him around makes me feel good. It's been a long time since I've felt anything other than sick.

I am so incredibly happy when we're together. In the past he was the cause of a lot of stress and frustration, but now, when I really do need him, he's here. For that I am thankful. I know it might not always be like this, so I am cherishing every moment while I can. He's been a really good friend and I truly hope one day I am able to return the favor.