Monday, November 14


I'm still on such a high after my awesome weekend. I feel so good!

There is one problem. I can't shake the anticipation of a low coming. Isn't that sad? There's this nagging fear in the back of my mind holding me back from fully enjoying and extending my happiness.

If I let go and allowed myself to be happy, what would happen? What am I afraid of?

Will people think I have a superiority complex? I'm bragging? I'm disconnected from the tragedy and suffering in the world? Does it matter what others think?

If I anticipate a low or something bad coming, am I inviting it? If I don't anticipate it and one comes, will it hurt more because I wasn't prepared?

Does anticipating anything really make me feel prepared or is it calming my fears of being unprepared? Same difference?

If I lost my job, my home, or possessions, I could handle it because I have a great support system. If I found myself without support and had to live on the streets, I think I could manage. Absolute worst case scenario, prostitution. I hear I give good head.

If I died, I'm dead so it doesn't really matter. If someone close to me died I would be devastated, yet comforted by my choice to believe they would be sent to a better place and their spirit is with me when I need them. (High five, Grandma!)

Broken hearts, broken friendships, crappy jobs, depression, a prolonged sickness.....been there, done that and survived.

So what is it?


I think I got it. See, this is why I love writing. I find my truths.

It's me. I'M the one with the problem. I don't think I deserve to be this happy or blessed.

Why? Why don't I feel worthy?

I did something as a kid I regret. I didn't know better, it happened to me, and I can't take it back so why can't I forgive myself?

I was really mean to this guy Allen in high school. He Facebook friended me and writes on my wall, so it sure seems like he's over it. Why aren't I?

I don't give to charity or volunteer anymore. I can easily start now, so why not do it?

I feel guilty. I feel guilty for everyone else who is not as lucky as I am. I was lucky to have parents who sent me to college and are extremely supportive. Where does the line between luck and hard work get drawn? Wasn't it me who graduated, got and kept a job, paid the bills, made friends, and created my life? Do I feel guilty because it all came easy? Is that a bad thing? Am I an asshole?

My relationship with my mother is a ZILLION times better than it was when I was younger. I don't blame her for what happened, but I know my self-esteem still suffers because of the shit she pulled. My level of self-worthiness is reflective of hers. I have to remind myself I am not her.

I don't believe in one god. I named my God Shian ("I" in "Shan") because I believe there is a Larger (being/deity/spirit/whatever) in all of us. (Shizza has changed into an angel with a raging three foot blurple boner.) Shian takes on many forms, lately the Laughing Buddha because that guy cracks me up. I no longer consider myself Episcopalian or Catholic because I do not agree with organized religions' doctrines. A person of true faith would accept how another lives without judgment. Devout followers seem to forget this and in my opinion, seem to embarrass themselves and their religions on a daily basis.

The reason I'm bringing religion up is because there may be some of that Catholic guilt mixed into why I can't accept happiness. Ever notice how many Catholic churches have Jesus crucified above the altar? It's there TO REMIND YOU HE DIED FOR YOU! Isn't that awful?? No wonder we feel guilty! Why wouldn't they have a nice statue of him rising from the grave? You know, something uplifting? At some point, Christian religion became a sign of not only hate-mongering, but also suffer-mongering as well. You can't live the good life because then you're not serving God. I decided this is bullshit. Shian tells me life is love. I like this idea so much better.

Phew! There. I'm pretty sure I covered every reason as to why I am afraid to be happy. I'm checking to see if I still need to anticipate a low....

Soul scan. Check. Mind scan. Check. Heart scan. Check. Face scan. Smiling, so check.

Okay. I think I'm ready to be truly happy now. Yay!

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