Tuesday, May 12

Afternoon rambling

I can’t even bring myself to finish a post about not posting. I don’t understand how or why I lost the connection to Thighs. Looking at the number of posts per month they obviously started to decrease back in September. God September sucked. I can’t help but wonder if it’s related to me stopping the Zoloft. Maybe it really was helping me stay involved with my projects. I feel like I had so many plans and ideas back then; now I feel like a lump on a log. I’m not quite sure what I’m doing with my life. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’m just not one of those people that set and achieve goals. The only goals I ever really had was to move to NYC and work at Company. They came true, but now what? Seriously. Now what?

I’m pretty hungover and I have to go volunteering. I really want to hang out with the kids, but I feel bad going and not being 100% with it. I don’t want to be a bad influence. I hope it goes fast. No first I hope it goes well, then fast. I’d much rather go to bed then go downtown. What am I going to do when I get down there? Where am I even going anyways? Is this how a real writer writes? Just a stream of consciousness without worrying if things make sense or if there’s any structure to the story? I like writing like this. I say like too much. I wish I could write like this and get paid for it. I wish I could always stay in this zone and get my thoughts out on paper and not worry about the format or what I’m saying or doing. I think in run on sentences, why can’t I write in run on sentences. I wonder if I actually do think in run on sentences or it’s just that the speed of my racing thoughts is so fast that they mash together. Like a circus train. I wish I remembered to watch the elephants walking from Queens to MSG. I was even in the city at class until 9:30pm that night! Totally forgot. So annoying. I wrote Ringling Brothers an email (that sounds so funny) asking them when they’ll be walking back over and they said that the trip back isn’t a public event. How the hell do you stop the public from staring at elephants walking back to Queens?? Oh, wait. Maybe she said “publicized” event. As in they aren’t publicizing it. I needed to clarify the definition to myself.

Only 49 minutes left. Summer hours started this week. I can’t wait to have off on Friday. I can’t wait for Jane and bike riding and Sangria! I can’t wait to go to bed. I really need to do laundry. I should have bought that underwear at Duane Reade today. I may have to tomorrow on my way into work. I don’t think I have any clean pairs left. What the hell am I going to wear tomorrow? I hate my work clothing. I only have three pairs of pants and they’re all falling apart and the butt area is really saggy. NY&Co and Express stopped making the pants I like, so now I have to find new stores to shop at. It’s so friggin frustrating finding (fffffffff) pants that fit. I HATE IT! I know I’m overweight with ginormous thighs, but I’m not obese! Why can’t pants fit me right? I’m a good person gosh darn it! On the plus side at least NOT fitting into pants is motivating me to work out again. I went to the gym yesterday for the first time in forever. It felt good. I need to make it a habit again. I need to make posting a habit again too. Why did everything stop once I started taking the meds?? Maybe I have ADHD. Maybe I need a pick me up. Maybe I need to stop being a commitmentphobe. What is it with me and commitment? Look jerk, just fucking DO things. Stop thinking about doing them and just DO them.

There was a woman on the subway that looked like a ladybug. I miss her. Here’s her picture:

Hmmm…if I’m writing “Here’s her picture.” I guess that means I’m going to post this. I’m going to post this. My god 41 minutes left. I thought I typed faster than that. Writing emails to the Petes made me a better typist. I guess I’m still not that great though. Maybe I should walk to volunteering. Where the hell am I even going? {{LOOKING}} Brooklyn Bridge stop! Not walking. I would if I had sneakers. I have my softball sneakers from last year here, but I don’t have socks.

Celebrity Autobiography is really funny. I should watch SNL on Hulu. I have no more use for work today. I can’t figure out how to keep my brain in my head. My boss left for the day. I like when he leaves. What else do I have to write about?????????? I like staring at a Starry Night on my office wall. I let my eyes go wonky so that the painting moves.

I left a jar of peanut butter on my desk last night. I wonder if the cleaning people put their fingers in it. I came in one day and someone had been using my computer to listen to music. I used to lock my computer when I sat in a cube; it never occurred to me to lock it with an office. Lock it now that I sit in an office. Most people have offices here. I don’t understand companies with mainly cubes. It doesn’t seem very nice. HOLY CRAP I totally forgot how awful the pee cube was at Company. Yuck.

31 minutes. There’s something in the left center of my brain but I can’t get to it. Is it something I forgot to say? What are you? I should go to the printer and pick up the map for later. {{WALK TO PRINTER}} Oh yay! I’m getting excited now. I like volunteering. I should write about my experiences thus far. Thus.

25 minutes. Sheesh. I should just leave now. Maybe I will. I think I’m done writing. What did you say, spot in the left center of my brain? Peanut butter? No.

Oy. I’m going home.


Heather said...

You're my favorite.

Jennifer Juniper said...

My favourite post.