It's a Hard Knock Life

Everything feels really hard lately. It's hard to get out of bed, hard to get to the gym, hard to go to work, hard to focus, hard to find jeans that fit, hard to find love, hard to blog, hard, hard, hard. Know why everything feels really hard lately?

BECAUSE I KEEP MAKING IT HARD!

For the last fifteen years I've tried to make my life easier by running away from my troubles. Obviously this had the reverse effect and I've found myself back where I left off: sixteen years old with the weight of the world on my shoulders and no fucking clue.

PAUSE.

This is why I haven't regularly posted in so long. I get bored with what I'm writing, confused as to what I really want to say, and then I Save as Draft and never publish the post.

You know what I really want to say?? I want to say that I'm scared out of my fucking mind. I want to say that I still have no fucking idea what I'm doing with my life and unfortunately I'm not sixteen anymore I'M THIRTY-ONE!! It's not cool for a WOMAN to say she doesn't have a fucking clue. I'm embarrassed to admit that lately I feel no better off than I was fifteen years ago, except now I know how to get around on the subway and put on a condom in the dark. Woo fucking woo.

I feel more self-conscious now than I ever remember feeling. Hell I could have always felt this way, but this is the first time I'm really facing it. Is it possible I'm dealing with unresolved teenage growing pains? Yikes. No wonder I hate everyone.