Friday, May 29

Gotta stay?

Yesterday was a bit ridiculous with this whole getting out of town thing. Yes, it's nice to go vacation and all, but the urge to run was a little too strong for this to only be about a change of scenery. The fact that I didn't seem to care where I went or what I did was another red flag, too. What was this really about?

I figured it out this morning. It wasn't about leaving the city, it was about leaving Delilah.

I love my apartment. LOVE IT. It's truly my first safe haven and home. Lately I've been feeling really lonely here, though. It really sucks!! I don't remember feeling like this before, so why now???

In the five years I've lived here I haven't had a guest stay more than one night. Bacones stayed with me for around two weeks the end of April. It was so fun having her here! It's been a long time since I had a roommate and while I don't think I want one long term, I miss having a buddy around. It was nice to come home and talk about my day, hear about Bakes', and just hang. No we are not gay for each other, but it was the first time in a long time that I felt like I was part of a We and the first time ever I shared my home with someone other then my imaginary friends. It was nice to know that either is possible. Sometimes I wonder.

I've been talking about needing a vacation for a while now, but the urge to not be home is something new. I don't know for sure if it started after Bakes left, but it sounds about right. I realize now I don't want to leave Delilah, I just wish someone else was here.


It's not fair why can't I be in a fucking relationship already! I'm a nice person and I'm funny and yes I'm a little off the wall but what the fuck? Look at all the people on Jerry Springer and whatever new show is like Jerry Springer! Is Jerry Springer even on still? Ricki Lake looks good on Charm School, it's funny to hear her voice again I forgot how much I used to like her show. One time I was watching Talk Soup (it was Talk Soup back then) and they showed a clip from her show and I spotted my cousin Tracy in the audience. Tracy is nuts. I wonder if it's Tracy, Tracey, or Tracie. Probably not "ie" she's not an "ie" kind of girl. I think I might be, which is why I like spelling Shannie, Shannie instead of Shanny. That's pretty dumb now that I think of it. Can I just change my name at 31? I wanted to change my name to Blossom when I was seven because that was my purple My Little Pony's name. Did I already write about this? Sometimes I read my old posts and think, wow I'm a good writer or then, did I write this? probably because it's too good to think I wrote it. I never question the ridiculous posts because I am in fact ridiculous.

So back to this lonely bullshit. It sucks! I don't want to feel lonely at home. I love my home!! Do I feel alone or lonely?? I think lonely. It was so nice having Bakes here, obviously because she's awesome and one of my best friends, but it was nice to know I could deal with someone else in my space. I don't mean that to sound harsh, it's just after 5 years of living alone I have to question if I COULD (second time could is in caps lock) live with someone. I think I could. I don't know if I could. I'm always on my best behavior when I have a guest, but let's be honest here. I'm typing at my computer with no pants on per usual, except this time I'm not drunk or hungover. I just like taking off my pants as soon as I get home, I can't help it. There are dirty clothes all over the apartment because, like my pants, if I take something off I drop it exactly where I took it off. My mom used to hate this growing up. At least she always new where I was in the house by following the trail. My sink is filled with dishes, I have make-up all over my desk, my bathroom looks like a science experiment gone wrong, and I have zero food in my fridge, again per usual. Personal hygiene goes out the window, my bed never gets made, I talk to myself, and I had another fucking waterbug the other day, this one flew fucking at me and I squealed like a little girl. The bug sitch has nothing to do with being lonely, except that if the fuckers didn't creep me out so much I'd probably keep one as a pet. My dad said I should get a cat, but the last thing I need is to be a 30 something single girl with five cats, because one cat becomes multiple cats in no time. I would get a dog. I like dogs, I just don't think I want to have to come home to feed it and walk it. Are there any dogs that can feed themselves and don't have to be walked? Ah yes, they're called cats.

Hmmmm. Still don't know what I'm doing today, but at least now I won't freak out if I stay home and watch movies alone. I have to believe it's temporary. I'm temporarily alone, but one day I will have a boyfriend, get married, and be a We. Right?? Right. I hope.

I'm going to a psychic on Tuesday. Let's hope he has some good news for me.


Anonymous said...

Hang in there Shan...things will get better, you are too great of a girl not to find mr. right, just make sure he is that and not mr. right-now... find someone who loves you and you will find true happiness....

a friend

Heather said...

A) You don't want any of the damage that is on Jerry Springer/Ricki Lake. A lifetime alone is better than the trash on that show, because you are way too great to settle. Jerry Springer couples=settling (or just being plain moronic and not knowing better...probably this, and you're not moronic).
B) I loved hanging with you! You might have me back sooner than you are comfortable with!
C) I feel you on the lonely thing, but there is a big difference b/t alone and lonely. You are not alone, and neither am I. I'm maybe alone geographically, but can't complain about my support system. All of us who know you, are lucky to - our lives are richer because of it. Remember that, know that, and it's impossible to think you are alone, because so many people depend on your amazing red-facedness. Even if I sat on the chair you claim to not be wearing pants on for 2 wks.