Friday, October 15

A Letter to MD

Well I'm at work and can't stop thinking about you again. It sucks. I'm not sure what I did wrong. Am I fat? Did I leave too long of a message? Did I not contact you enough? Did I call you the wrong name? (I'm burnt.) WHAT DID I DO?

Everyone keeps saying it's not me, it's you. We all know that's not true though. Obviously I'm not the person you want due to some defect of mine. If I was the one for you it wouldn't matter that you just got out of a relationship. It wouldn't matter that I'm chunky or pale or bald or whatever. You'd like me and you'd call. You'd need to see me.

And this is why you're not the right guy for me. I want to need to be with someone and I want him to need to be with me. I want the kind of love that he and I would both fight for, whether it's an internal battle or an external one. I want love in all areas of my life - job, home, friends, boyfriend, family, everything. I don't have it all yet, but I will. I thought you were a part of this. I thought you were someone who I could eventually fall in love with and who would love me back just as much. Apparently I was wrong. There were moments that I thought you saw a future too, but that's all they were. Moments.

I'm going to the bar where we met after work today. I know I won't see you. I probably won't run into you for a long time. I'm afraid that when I do you'll be with someone else. Someone I'm not, like a petite brunette. She won't be as cool as I am (that's a given), but I guess I'm not as hot as she would be. Isn't this sad? The one thing I'm harping on is the one thing I have control over fixing. Maybe that's why I met you now, right after The Boob Saga. My body "failed" me as a teen, but it's "normal" now. There's nothing holding me back from being as healthy, fit, and hot as I want to be. Not that there really was anything holding me back, but now I definitely don't have to hide who I am anymore. I have nothing to protect myself from. I've faced it all.

I will say I'm still in shock a bit. The way you talked, the way you looked at me, the way you held me. It's funny how classy and mature I thought you were just based on your suit-wearing, high-paying job and nice apartment. I guess it really does matter who we are on the inside, not the out. I hate breaking up with people, too but at least I woman up and do it. The worst part of dating is not knowing where you stand, so I make sure to be honest if it's not working out.

Sometimes it's hard to believe I will end up with someone after 33 years of heartache. 33 years...that's a long time to be alone. Granted I haven't been dating since birth, but the dance is the same. I wanted my mother's love and approval and she was unable to give it to me. It's sad to admit this is my life story. I've tried to get the love I need from the wrong people. When will I ever learn?

It's been nine days since I last saw you, six days since I left the message. It doesn't sound like a long time, but my realtionship with time itself is drastically different now. A week feels like a year. A month feels like two years. I might be part dog.

I'm writing this in my gmail, but I'm considering posting it on Thighs. I don't know what the response will be. I can't tell if I'm being pathetic or honest. Maybe both. Hmmm...can you be pathetic without being honest?

I keep thinking about that movie Serendipity when Jeremy Piven's character says to John Cusask, "You are a jackass." Cusack was willing to be foolish and stupid for love. Maybe sharing this will make me look like an ass (donkey), but maybe it will also be the cleansing purge I need to move on. I refuse to let myself drag this out, especially after how crazy I made myself with Mick. If only I could be more black and white when it comes to guys. I'm not sure if that's possible, though. I am very gray, except when it comes to seafood and beer.

I guess there's not much more to say. I can't waste my time wondering what you're thinking anymore. All I can do is take a deep breath and get back out there. In a couple weeks time you'll be a distant memory, as are most of the other guys I've dated in the past. Maybe that's the really sad part about it. I'm already the queen of fleeting relationships (boys, friends, work) and for the first time in my life I don't want to be. Hmmm...wait....

Nice!!! THAT'S the reason I haven't left Minnow yet! I'm sick of bouncing around! I want to be committed to something (I should be committed)!! HURRAH!

Wow. I feel so much better now that I've written all of this. In fact, it makes sense. I didn't think this would end on a high note, but I gotta say...THANK YOU. You came (heh) at the exact time I needed you. I'm over Mick, I'm over The Boob Saga, and I now know I am truly, truly ready for love and to settle down.

::deep breath:: Time to get back out there.

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