Parental Safe Word

Yeah, that's right. I have a safe word with my parents. Pervs.

I was talking to my mom about a realization I had this morning. Shizza as my witness, she freaked the fuck out before I even came close to finishing my third sentence.

ME: "...yada yada...so it got me thinking about him and what my initial reactions were to his situation and I realized..."

MOM (sounding like a cross between Barbra Streisand and the Tasmanian Devil): "GET TO THE FUCKING POINT THIGHS! WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT TO FUCKING SAY?!?!?!"

ME: "MA! Calm down! What the fu-uck?? What did you th..."

MOM (possessed by demons, growling through her teeth): "JUUUUST FUUUUCKIINNGG SAY IIIITTT
ALGJSHVKJASGHIEATBABIESAMHGLAKJCHVBAKLSJDHF..."

ME: "MA! All I was gonna say was that I don't want to be in debt anymore!!"

MOM (now June Cleaver): "Oh. Well, good. Why didn't you just say that!?!??!"

Siiighh...

My mom explained that she just never knows what shenanigans I'm going to get myself into. For Pete's sake, I'm not THAT impulsive...heh heh.

So now we have a safe word. This word will only be used when my parents vehemently disagree with a life choice I either made or am about to make. Since this safe word will replace any verbal ass-tearings, I figured I should pick a word that oozes pure evil, just like my mom does when she's screaming at me. The first thing that came to mind...

Nosferatu.

The Thighs family safe word is Nosferatu. I seriously think she'll raise the dead when she says it.

Uh oh...I'm sooooo tempted to piss her off now to see what happens...must. grow. up!

Work hard for the what?

I was watching a Family Guy repeat earlier tonight when Chris (the son) said something that stuck with me. I can't remember his lines exactly, but the gist was how he appreciates when a woman works hard to look hot.

Ummmm, what? Work hard to look hot? I never really thought about it like that. I just assumed that if you're hot, you were born hot, you'll die hot, or commit suicide once you start becoming un-hot.

Chris' comment didn't make me wonder why DO people work to be hot, I'm perplexed as to why people DON'T work to be hot. Oddly enough it took me a minute to ask the next question (I wrote "oddly enough" because today is the day I finally admitted to myself that my toilet isn't super tiny, my ass and thighs are really that fat)...

Why haven't I worked to be hot? In fact, what the fuck have I worked for anyways??

Now that I am headcold free, I'm finally able to focus on figuring out where I want to go in life and how I want to get there. This isn't limited to career paths either, I'm jumping into 2008 reevaluating the whole she-bang: health, finances, relationships, everything. I'm not sure if I'm asking the right question though. Is it what do I want or what am I willing to WORK for?

I honestly don't feel like I've worked very hard for anything in my life. This is a problem for a couple of reasons. One, I'm still having a hard time recognizing and appreciating my accomplishments. Two, then why don't I actually "work" for things???

I know I worked my ass off at Company. How? Every single day, good or bad, I was determined to do my best. Blood, sweat, and tears from day one. Why? Passion. I have never, ever been more passionate about something in my entire life. Until now.

Now I'm passionate about ME!!! FUCKING FINALLY!!

Tonight is the night I've decided I'm ready and determined to focus my talents and energy on being the best person I can be.

2008 New Year's resolution: work hard at being hot, debt free, and eventually, a creative professional.

Thanks Chris! Fatty fat fatty!

GEEKS UNITE!

My friend's t-shirt business is fully functional...so check it out and buy some geeky tees!!

GO! NOW! GEEK BOUTEEK

Here's my favorite one...




And here's one I sort of helped create. I was bored at work and decided to learn how to read a UPC code without reading the numbers. Each digit is represented by a seven-bit sequence, encoded by a series of alternating bars and spaces. It's pretty interesting...if you're a GEEK!

Death by Boogs

I'm such a fucking baby when I'm sick. I've been fighting off a cold since last week, but it got the best of me Christmas Eve. The past four days have been pretty crappy. I decided I am officially allergic to Jackson, NJ.

The headcold has stopped me from doing much of anything, especially a post-mortem on my last week at Company. I usually have a hard time centering myself when I'm at my parents house to begin with, but the snot-filled noggin made reflecting ten times worse.

I have no feelings, thoughts, or fortune-cookie type phrases to share as of yet. Not sure why I even felt the need to post, except to give an update on something other than my new bra size. Sure the DDs may be a fluke, but at least there's one positive thing about gaining all my weight back. Yaay body for putting the fat somewhere useful!!

UGH UGH UGH. I hate being sick!! Must go out. Must get fresh air. Must stop babying myself. Must rip off nose and vacuum out phlegm. Oooo...that was grosser than I thought...

Blah. I'm gonna go take a nap and hold my boobage for awhile.

Merry Christmas!!

WOO HOO!! I hope you are having the best darn Christmas of all time.

Me, I'm sick! It's to my benefit though. A headcold is the perfect excuse to stay drugged all weekend. Throw some bloody marys and spiked egg nog in there...shit fool, my mom can nag me straight through Wednesday. Yeah that's right. My parents knocked me off the wagon, yet again. Foiled!

Here's an impromptu little ditty, written to the tune of Jingle Bells:

Dashing through Tar-zhay{get},
To buy a new brassiere.
Around the store I go,
Bouncing all the way,
Boobs on my chest swing,
Making quite a sight,
What fun it is to be the star,
Of the clerk's wetdream tonight.

Oooohhhhh....

Dou-ble Dees, Dou-ble Dees,
Why was I wearing a Cee?
Now that I have the support I need,
My breasts are perkier than meeeee!!

And so it ends...

Hello,

I apologize for the mass email, but I wanted to inform all of you that this Friday is my last day at Company.

Company has meant so much to me my entire life. It really was a dream come true to be given the opportunity to work here.

I honestly don’t know what to say (shocking!!) about the past three years, except THANK YOU.

Thank you for making my time here an experience that I will always be grateful for and will never, ever forget.

Thighs

And so it began...

From: Thighs

Sent: Thursday, May 05, 2005 9:24 AM

To: Red; Soaps

Subject: Some quick things before the move

Hey Red,

I have some things I'd like to talk to you about and I realized last night that it might be best to discuss them before the move, which um yeah, is pretty much today.

It's just some concerns and observations I've had since I started working here and now that I just had my 3 monthiversary I realize that I won't be able to present any solutions without talking to you first.

Let me know when you're available. Thanks!

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.

What the fuck did I do!?!?!? I'm single, chubby, and as of this Friday UNEMPLOYED!! What was I thinking?!?!?!?!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I have never, ever been this scared in my entire life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My 2007 New Year's resolution was to be stronger. I didn't go into specifics, like ten push-ups or ability to pull myself back into the raft after a class 4 rapid. I thought leaving it open for interpretation would be a cool spin before making a 2008 resolution. So...

Am I stronger? Why or why not? What does "strong" even mean?

Dictionary.com has over 30 definitions for "strong".

Me, since birth:
7. aggressive; willful
9. clear and firm; loud
19. intense
23. having an unpleasant or offensive flavor or odor
30. come on strong, Slang. to behave in an aggressive, ardent, or flamboyant manner

Old Me, prior to recent months:
21. containing much alcohol

New and improved Me:
3. mentally powerful or vigorous
4. especially able, competent, or powerful in a specific field or respect
5. of great moral power, firmness, or courage
10. solid or stable; healthy; thriving
15. fervent; zealous; thoroughgoing

A lot of shit happened this year, both things I did and things I realized:

1. Went to Chicago to meet Fish. While we still chat through email or tex-mexing (as my mother calls text messages), we are by no means dating. In fact, I'm not sure what we'll even talk about once football season ends. That being said, I am so incredibly glad I met him and proud that I took a chance at love.

2. I'm sober.

3. I stopped going to therapy and I hope to stop taking Zoloft soon. (More on this another day.)

4. I'm leaving Company.

5. I decided I want to get married and have children at some point in my life. This is HUGE!

6. I love my parents more than I ever have.

7. I wrote this blog all year.

8. And last, but certainly not least, I found myself.

Wow.

My definition of "strong?" Having the power to face your fears and live to tell about it.

Am I stronger? FUCK YEAH.

Email me!

thighsighs@gmail.com

Just in case Shockey wants to bang, but doesn't want to leave a comment for everyone to read.

Or Jon Gruden.

Or Jason Lee as Brodie in Mallrats.

Or James Woods because I hear he's hung like a horse.

Or Donovan because I have no dignity left.

Or Harrison Ford as Han or Indy. Better yet, threesome.

Or Peter Petrelli in Hereos, but like a foot taller. (I met him. He's short in real life. Short and hot.)

I went through this Rock phase at one point, but I think I'm over it.

Oh and Seth MacFarlane because he sounds just like Brian. I guess this means I want to have sex with a cartoon dog. Bygones.

Last but not least, Ultimates Cap. FUCKING GORGEOUS.

Thighs Family Christmas

In most households, special occasions usually mean taking out the good china, the good towels, and being on good behavior.

In my household, special occasions mean only one thing...

NERF WARS!!! YOU'RE GOING DOWN BITCHES!!

The above picture means only one thing as well....

CRAZY PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO LIVE ALONE!!!

My Boy Blue!

Giants, Giants, Giants. It ain't ever pretty, but a win's a win.

Dear Jeremy Shockey,

Do professional athletes still get fan mail? Is there like a team email address or something?

How many children do you have? I feel like you have a lot of kids, but only know half of them exist. I wonder when their mothers will tell them about you.

Are you on anti-depressants? You seem so much more in control of your rage. I must say I am quite proud of you. I know it's rough being a maniac. OH I KNOW.

So I'm really not attracted to blondes, but will you have sex with me? I'm pretty horny and well, I have a feeling you might slap me around a bit, something I don't know if I'll be into, but am willing to try. Any chance you'd be willing to dress up as Thor in return???

Leave a comment if you're game. I'm on the pill.

Thighs

Hello comma exactly.

SVA, here I come!

You have successfully registered for the following classes:

Course Name and Title: GDC-1014-A (38247) COLOR

Start Date: 01/22/08
End Date: 04/15/08

If color is such a simple subject, then why do many of us spend so much time getting dressed in the morning? This course will explore some basic but useful concepts in color theory and apply them to artistic practice and experimentation. We will examine some of the psychology and symbolism of color, and look at how this knowledge might be strategically applied across a range of problems (color on the Web, color in print, colors for interior design). By the end of the course, students should have a solid understanding of how to effectively use and manipulate color in whatever environment or medium they work.

Random Thoughts: Dolby System

1. I have always wanted a dog, but lately I'm not so sure. I've become very grossed out by the fact that it's perfectly acceptable for a dog to piss and shit wherever it damn well pleases.

City-folk have to keep certain thoughts out of their head in order to survive. Just the way it is. Unfortunately for me (and now you for reading this), I can't seem to stop thinking about dog shit. Maybe it's because my own bowels are no longer entertaining?

Next time you see a dog popping a squat, pause for a moment and observe. The owner is usually staring right at it, but what is he or she thinking? Are they happy for the dog? Are they hoping that it's number 1 so they don't have to pick it up? Are they thinking fuck, I'm not picking it up if it's number 2 either? And when the owner does pick up the poop, what do they think about themselves? Are they proud for keeping the city clean? Are they proud of anything in regards to this event? I think not, considering they're now holding a piece of poop wrapped in a Duane Reade bag.

2. When buying Japanese snack items, always read the entire package. I just bought a bag of dry roasted edamame and threw about 10 in my mouth at once. Sounds harmless right? Yeah, not when they are actually covered in WASABI. I no longer have a nasal cavity.

3. The V train turned into the E train today so I jumped out and walked. As I was passing Saks Fifth Avenue, I heard the weirdest holiday music coming from the store. I have no idea what the actual words were, all I heard was this eerie voice. At first it reminded me of the singing blue alien chick in The Fifth Element, then it got creepy...

I swear to Shizza, I think the voice steals souls. I held my breath for a block to be safe.

4. Ladies, don't pee in the shower. It's retarded and you lose respect for yourself.

5. Santa bought me a new coat!! It's a navy blue peacoat with a hood!! I love it!!

6. Okay, that's enough. I need to apply to some more jobs. Stupid Company.

"Good, you're alive. Now I can kill you!!'

Growing up I never knew what qualified as normal mother behavior. **DELETED**

I started to write a whole bunch of bad shit, but I caught myself. I realized I was only doing it because my mom pissed me off tonight. See?? I'm maturing!

Okay, she didn't piss me off, she's just being a mom. A good mom. More importantly, a SANE mom.

I just got back from my GI doctor. This was the follow up visit to my colonoscopy and endoscope.

Awesome news: no cancer, no Crohn's, no ulcers, nothing bad.

Funny news: I said to the doctor, "So I really am just that gassy??" He laughed and said, "I'm afraid so."

Okay news: I have irritable bowel syndrome aka "the common-ass-cold." You can't really cure it, just prevent it. No more beer, no more chili, I think olives may be next. If pizza goes...kill me.

My mom came up to Queens to be with me for both procedures. It was really nice to have her here, especially for the colonoscopy. I won't go into the poopie details (I really am maturing!), but for the most part the prep was fine. I had an awful night though. Long story short I woke up drippping with sweat yet freezing, pale as a ghost (my freckles were gone), nauseous, and doubled over with stomach pain. I have never been that sick or scared in my life! I'm so SO grateful my mom was there.

Anyways, after the colonscopy my doctor went right up to my mom to tell her I didn't have cancer. After the endoscope, he didn't say anything except make a follow-up appointment so we can talk. I was pretty out of it from the anesthesia, so I didn't think much of it. I was just annoyed I'd have to fork out another co-pay.

My mom, on the other hand, totally freaked out. I called her tonight after the follow-up visit and told her the good news. Then she let loose. It turns out she has been so worried for the past two weeks, all because the doctor didn't come right out and say I didn't have cancer after the endoscope like he did after the colonoscopy. She said how stressed out she's been, how she hasn't been sleeping, all she does is eat, how she thought she should come up here again, etc. I HAD ZERO CLUE!

I apologized for making her worried, but she shrugged it off. She said she's my mother and she will always worry. She went on and on about how happy she is, how much she loves me, and how proud she is that I'm taking care of myself.

After a good 30 minutes of gushing, she snapped out of it. In true mother-form, she went right onto the next thing to worry over. Without missing a beat she said, "I'm so glad you're healthy. NOW GO GET A FUCKING JOB."

Sigh. It reminds me of when I'd come home past curfew. "I'm so glad you weren't in a car crash or murdered, but now I'll yell and scream at you for making me worry."

She's right, of course. Which will always piss me off.

Random Diary Entry: January 4, 2001

Well in response to that overly dramatic last entry, I got my period and everything is fine. It's funny how ridiculous things seem in retrospect. I guess that should make me feel better. Reading all my old diaries or notebooks, I realized how much things meant to me and how much things hurt during that time. Then I think about how none of that shit matters anymore. It really doesn't. Even in this book I've forgotten about Shane and forgave myself for having poor judgment. Even Brian and Kristin, I'm not friends with them anymore and I have no idea what they are doing together.

What I do know...well one thing remains the same in all my journals. I am still not happy with who I am and where I am in my life. The year is now 2001? Did I think I'd ever make it this far? I'm almost 23 years old and the same crap bothers me to this day. Different people, different situations, but same crap.

For as long as I can remember my weight has been a constant pain in my ass. I've gained, lost, gained again. Now I find myself to be the biggest I ever was, 185 pounds and a size 16 pant. What happened??? Lots of things. Nothing. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that I'm not healthy mentally or physically and that definitely needs to change.

Is this another entry with false hope and lies? Is this just another stupid year where I won't accomplish anything? What exactly do I want anyways? What are my goals????

My new addiction

I rarely watch prime time television. My TV is always on, but there aren't many shows that I make a point to be home to watch except for ANTM on Wednesdays and The Soup on Fridays. Loser says I.

There are plenty of shows I hear I would love (30 Rock, Pushing Daisies, Rescue Me), but I refuse to jump into a series mid-season. As a result, I am a slightly behind the times so my new favorite show is Heroes.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE HEROES!

I just started watching the first season last week. You would think I'd be all over this show from the beginning, but no. I am so totally glad I waited. I can't imagine waiting a whole week to find out what happens! I think that's why I like trade paperbacks too, with comics you have to wait at least a month. I'm fragile, people! My nerves can't handle anticipation!!

I went through the first three discs at normal speed, then impatiently waited for the next three all week. I got them yesterday and seriously stayed up until 4am watching two of them! FOUR! I could have stayed up even longer, but seeing the sun come up reminds me way too much of my cracked out days so I made myself go to bed.

Today I woke up at 10am, watched the last disc, and then went back to sleep. Now I have to sit and wait for the damn 7th disc which probably won't get here until Wednesday. I guess I could watch the rest of the episodes online...must. delay. gratification.

I have officially replaced booze with superheroes. Woo hoo!