Friday, June 11

Positively Positive

I’m writing this at work. It’s so quiet here on Summer Fridays that I thought it would be a good day for stream of consciousness writing. Some of my favorite posts are written this way. Here we go!

I opened up some spreadsheets in case my bosses come by because of course they are on the same summer schedule as I am. Heh, summer schedule. What is summer anyways? Obviously it’s not June through September anymore because it’s been 85 since April. Or at least it feels that way. Heh, April. April feels like a lifetime ago. What is happening with time? Does anyone else feel like time is slipping away? Is it slipping away or is it coming together? I can’t tell the difference. Maybe that’s just it, there is no difference. Things that happened a month ago no longer matter, yet moments from my past are remembered in my heart like it’s happening again this very instance. Does time exist anywhere but TV and Outlook? My dream life would be one without time, where I can spend my days and nights not thinking about whether it’s day or night. The only “time” I would need to look at a clock is when I’m meeting friends because chances are we won’t all have the lifestyle to give up time altogether. The concept of time has been a big interest of mine lately probably because I’m shifting my attitude towards it. In this video, there is an excerpt on Professor Philip Zimbardo’s presentation about our individual perspective on time. Present Hedonists are people like me, instant gratificationers who never grew up. (On the subway today I thought of the perfect line to sum up my twenties, “If I could drink it, fuck it, or buy it, I did.”) Lately my attitude towards life and time is shifting. To what I don’t know. I wouldn’t say I’m a Future or a Past, maybe I’m all three now. I haven’t watched the full version of the presentation yet, but I will. I have a lot of ideas about time floating around in me that I don’t quite know how to verbalize. “Use your words.” Someone said this to me the other day and I felt it was a little condescending at first. Later on I realized while I love to write and find it easy to do so about most of my feelings, I am not very eloquent. My vocabulary sucks (which is why I make up words most the time) and I’m sure my grammar is subpar. I find myself trying to “use my words” more often now, so I am thankful rather than annoyed this person said it. I’m sure a word already exists for this idea, but I’m trying to time-mind jump. It’s a hobby. For example, if I make a left on Broadway down 35th Street I’ll try to time-mind jump a block away to 31st Avenue. I’ll picture the sign and the traffic light like if I’m already at the corner, despite the fact that it’s obvious my body is still walking down the street. It’s sort of like being in a zone, where “time” just flies by. Poof, I’m there. Does it work? I don’t know. I want it to, though. I mean, why not right? If time is a straight line, why not jump it? It feels like time is jumping on its own anyways (is it really 2010?), so maybe consciously jumping it will make life a much more enjoyable experience.

You may have noticed my posts are much more positive. Negativity is all I knew my whole life. I was raised on it, thrived on it, and brought much of it onto myself. Something changed in me after I got back from California. I decided I want to be positive. I want peace. Some things I changed:

1. I no longer need to kill myself at a job that won’t matter one day. An obvious one considering I’m writing and not working!!

2. I don’t have to spend ridiculous amounts of energy hating or avoiding my boss when frankly, he won’t matter one day either. Work has been so pleasant ever since I let the wall down. He’s said some mean shit to me, but who cares. Chances are it wasn’t even about me, so why should I hold onto it any longer?

3. An ex-boyfriend of mine who I’ve never written about on Thighs (I rarely share details about guys I actually date to be discreet) recently got engaged. There are four things I’ve done in my life that I really regret and two break-ups are included, which is why I tried my best to break-up with Tat in a respectful and healthy way. I believe I succeeded. Anyhoo, when I heard this ex is getting married I wrote him an email congratulating him. He wrote me back a very nice email saying thanks and that he appreciates the well wishes. I have never, ever used the word “absolved” to describe how I feel but in that moment I did. It was incredible. I didn’t realize how much guilt I was still holding onto until I read his email. He moved on, he found love, and I didn’t ruin him. I was free.

4. Feeling absolved felt so good that I decided to keep it going. Back in December I had a fight with a friend that cost us our friendship. While I still don’t think I did anything wrong or deserved to be treated the way I was, I apologized for disappointing her. We were friends for a long time and I let her down, end of story. There’s no reason to hold a grudge or waste any more of my energy being upset about it. I don’t think we’ll ever be as close as we were, but she meant a lot to me once and that’s all that matters.

5. There are a couple of other people that I feel negatively about that I need to let go of, Banana being one of them. I occasionally think about him, but this past week he has been on my mind a lot. Grape’s husband’s new Facebook profile picture is with Banana, and the minute I saw him all of the feelings came flooding back. This is one of the main reason’s I’ve been thinking about time. We all have emotional memory, but I feel like that’s ALL my memory nowadays. I doubt I’ll confront him about it, because really, what am I going to say? I thought you were The One and you fucked me over? I’ll need to let this one go on my own. Grape is another story though. I wouldn’t mind talking to her about it now that we’re friends again. We shall see. I just looked for a real banana in my drawer forgetting I already ate it.

I’m applying to a job at a sports organization. I figured if I landed my dream job at Company, why don’t I try working for other companies I’m excited about? I put it off for like three weeks, but I’m sending my application tonight if it kills me!!

10K is tomorrow! I can’t friggin believe it. Where does the “time” go?? I’m going to time-mind jump the whole thing by the way.

Enough for now.

1 comment:

Jennifer Juniper said...

OK, firstly, you should not have apologised to friend #4. That was not your fault!!! Apologise for disappointing someone!? uh uh, no way. Not when you didn't actually do anything!! Grrrr...

And secondly, I SWEAR to you, I totally did not get the banana analogy when you wrote it. I was genuinely confused which is why my comment was what it was. hahahaha I totally get it now. Awesome. I didn't understand why you called him Banana either b/c of this. hahahaha So eye-opening! :-P