Friday, August 20

Anger changes everything.

Last night I wrote an angry post when I was drunk at 2am. I deleted it when I got to work this morning. Some of you may have caught it. The rest well, why aren't you checking my blog every moment of your life?!?!?

It was Mick. AGAIN. Sort of. To backtrack, we made out a few days after our nice chat. We made out A LOT. We hung out again the following week, but didn't hook up. I wanted to though and texted him later on saying so. He told me I shouldn't have left the bar. You'd think things were turning around, right?

Wrong. This Tuesday Facebook told me that Mick is in a relationship with that bar troll. I was LIVID. Crying, bat-shit crazy, beat the fuck out of someone (him) ENRAGED. And mean to myself. Oh so mean. Self-flagellatory (fa!).

I was so angry and I wouldn't snap out of it. I needed to be mad. I wanted to be mad. Now I'm done. Thanks to my buds who put up with me being a miserable hatehole all week. I owe you one.

Okay, he seriously JUST texted me to hang out. Granted it could have been a group text, but still. I know I'm over him because I'm not upset by this. It's actually kind of funny. Like is he seriously that retarded? We obviously can't be friends, so please stop contacting me. Enough.

While I had every right to be mad at Mick, my anger had nothing to do with him. Whenever I have really strong emotions towards or about someone I know I'm projecting. I was angry with me.

I'm angry that my fear of myself has stopped me from being my best self.

I thought I was afraid of change, but I'm not. I am very much aware that I'm changing. I'm changing everyday. The problem is I'm afraid of what I'm changing INTO. I don't know who she is and this scares me. I guess She's whoever I want Me to be. All I need to do is choose...

How did Mick help me come to this? Easy, he rejected me. It was a sad reminder that I reject myself everyday. Maybe this is another reason why I get hung up on guys that don't like me back. I'm not trying to make them change their minds about me, I'm trying to change my mind about myself.

Man, I'm on fire this year!

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