Tomorrow

The past two weeks flew by. I'm glad Episode II of my Boob Saga will be over soon. Who knows what will happen next. Or is this Episode V and my story leading up to it are the prequels? Ugh. I hate prequels. A prequel is written knowing the end game, so it isn't organic story-telling. Same with memories. They are recreations of what happened in the past to fit what is happening now.

I ran into this problem yesterday. All of my anxiety and pain from the past three weeks (32 years?) came pouring out. I sat with it for a while, going deep within to feel what I wasn't capable of feeling as a teen. I saw Me then using the movie reel form of memory, but I realized I was recreating the scenes to fit who I am today. I decided to shut the projector off and feel the memory of my younger self rather than see her. It was hard at first, but I eventually got the hang of it and ended up discovering so much more about myself than I usually do through meditation. If this makes any sense to you, I highly recommend trying it.

As someone who loves to find the interconnectedness and reason behind life events, I have some ideas as to how my experience may have influenced who I am today:

1. I am not very affectionate. While this is mainly due to my upbringing, I have to acknowledge there was a time in my life I was scared to hug people because I didn't want them to feel my lopsidedness and/or stuffing. As silly as it sounds, I've only recently become an active hugger, probably because I have so many huggy friends. (Goddamn hippies.)

2. My "safe" weight is around 180 pounds. I weighed this much all through high school as a way to protect myself and my secret. I believe this is why whenever I stress out or feel unsafe, I immediately gain until I'm back in my "comfort" zone.

3. Control. I had no control over my body, nor did I have any control over the decisions made to correct my deformity. My parents chose to give me an implant. I feel like an ungrateful bitch saying this, but now I really wish they didn't.

Ugh. That was hard to admit. Believe me, I am VERY grateful they did anything at all. They could have easily said "Deal with it, Loppy." and I would have been a shut-in. It's just that I wonder if this is why I try to change so many things I can't control, such as workplace bullshit.

Conversely, I do not change the things I can. I believe this is due to self-worth and fear of making the wrong decisions. Who am I to live well? Why should I get to better myself when there are so many people who can't? What if I did have control over how my breasts were fixed and I chose wrong? Am I making the wrong choice now? Should I be immediately replacing my implant or reducing Righty? What happens if I'm lopsided again? Am I going to deal with stuffing my bra?

Deep down I still have issues with believing I'm worth making positive changes. As my brother said yesterday, "You are scared because you are making yourself proud for dealing with this." Man, he's good.

4. "Why me?" "It's not fair." I don't recall asking or saying these things in regards to my breasts as a kid, but I'm sure I felt them. If I didn't then, I do now. IT WASN'T FUCKING FAIR. I didn't deserve it!! Was I being punished? I was a good kid! What kind of sick twisted shithead pervert are you to do this to a child who lives in a society where these things matter? FUCK YOU FUCKBAG.

Maybe I'm putting way too much weight on this experience, but I can't help feel my whole fucking life would be fucking different if this didn't happen. Sure it's a bunch of maybes: maybe I'd have higher self-esteem, maybe I'd have more self-respect, maybe I would be happier. I'll never know now. DICK.

5. It turns out I never told my mom. She walked in on me in the bathroom. Knowing her she said "Jesuschristwhatthefuck!" I wonder how long I would have waited to tell her. I wonder if I would have told anyone. I wonder if this is why I've always felt so alone.

I guess that's it for now. It took me all day to write this. I'm beat. I look beat. I'm heading down to New Jersey in a few. I seriously can't wait for this shit to be over.