BP

As tired as I've been this week I'm finding it hard to fall asleep before midnight. I watched Pee-Wee's Big Adventure (YAY!) then laid in bed trying to remember the name of the blonde in Cougar Town who was also in Freaks and Geeks. This is weird because I don't even watch Cougar Town. The one time I tried I was grossed out by the vacuumed faces. Whatever happened to growing old gracefully, ladies?

I was pretty sure it was an uncommon "P" name so for a good half hour I thought: Pixie, Peyton, Portia, Phoebe, Portence, Polly, Pugsley (hee-hee), and so on. Then I thought it was a "B" for a bit, my favorite one of that bunch being "Biloxi."

Well folks, it's Busy. Busy Phillips. You're welcome.

Thighs sighs...

I went for a walk around the hood to see if I had the energy to put together a last minute Halloween costume, to then decide if I had the energy to go out tonight.

I don't. Sigh.

Rosemary's Baby was going to either be me fake pregnant with 666 written in blood on the belly of my blue nightgown or just the blue nightgown with a devil baby in hand. I was too tired to attempt to find and/or make a devil baby this week, so this morning I took my small camping pillow and stuffed it under my shirt.

Fake preggers is weird. And I decided single women should never pretend to be pregnant. It would be hard to meet someone in that "condition."

I searched my closet and found my old vampire outfit and raver pants. My vampire outfit had been in my parents' basement for the past seven years and smells like it. My raver pants are fine, so I popped over to the Salvation Army to find a cheap Polo or Nautica shirt since that's what most ravers wore in the late 90s. Well, guys anyways. I wore a lot of thrift store t-shirts, puffy vests, and fun jewelry, none of which I have anymore. I go through these "I'll never need this again" purges only to regret it later. Sigh.

I got so incredibly tired walking that I gave up. I'm now home (obviously) and ready to call it a night. I'm bummed, but I need to rest. It's amazing how at 32 I can still get that "worried I'm going to miss out on something awesome" feeling. Maybe next year I'll stop partying all of the time and only go out on big occasions. I laughed as I typed that sentence.

The good news is I haven't been sick in quite a while. (I'm not counting Boob Saga.) I don't actually feel sick-sick, just beat. I could sleep for days. I'm hoping the blood tests come back with something definitive that I can address. I hate when everything's fine, but clearly not fine.

More good news, I joined NYSC again. They bribed me into coming back by taking 50% off the monthly dues. I'm stoked. The last time I remember feeling great this year was around the 10K. I want that feeling back, damn it!! As soon as I kick this fatigue I'm going to get back into the habit of hitting the gym before work.

Okay, the real reason I have the missing out feeling is because I thought something special was going to happen. Maybe I'd meet someone, maybe I'd run into MD, maybe I...oh whatever. I'm home. Sigh.

In related news, I'm hooked on How I Met Your Mother reruns. It's hysterical, plus it makes me feel better about my dating history. I think I'm a Barney/Ted split: a self-absorbed sarcastic minx who wants to find true love. I relate to this show much more now than I do Sex and the City, probably because I'd rather spend my money on beer than on clothing.

Oh my gosh, my mom said I should call an allergist to see if I'm allergic to beer. CAN YOU IMAGINE? I don't know what I would do with myself. Please Shizza, no!

If I feel up to it tomorrow I might hit the Halloween parade. I want to do SOMETHING this weekend. Jets game is at 1pm, Giants are on a bye. I have zero plans all next week, then Saturday is the second beer/food pairing party followed by Pee-Wee on Broadway. I'm excited!! I've been watching my Pee-Wee's Playhouse DVDs to prepare. OH! I should also rent the movies too. Good call.

Right now I have The Birds and North by Northwest. Did I ever mention I love Hitchcock? I love Hitchcock.

I'm tired again. Sigh. I need to force myself to be positive when I don't feel well. I CAN NAP! I CAN WATCH MOVIES! I CAN READ! I CAN COLOR! I CAN ORDER FOOD! I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT EVEN IF I'M STAYING IN TONIGHT!

Aaaahh, that's better!! Happy Halloween!

DJ Freckles

I like this commercial, especially the freckle part. Juniper, DJ Hero night soon please!

A Weak Week

Blah blah blah. I feel like poo again. Good ol' Pdiddy came two weeks early and apparently brought with him a ridiculous amount of fatigue, lightheadedness, and tears. What, no Ciroc?

I wrote "apparently" because who the fuck knows the real cause of any of my ailments. My five day drinking binge? Perhaps. My thyroid is out of whack? Perhaps. My insanity is finally taking over? Hapsper.

When I was younger I had varying degrees of partidtumuchitis. Lymes and mono came before my drinking days, but Epstein Barr and chronic fatigue syndrome kicked in right around the same time the E and acid did. Who would have thought I'd get really sick and tired after candy-flipping for three days straight?? Shocking.

So this week I'm taking a much needed break from beer. In fact, I may have to pass up on the Halloween festivities this weekend too. We'll see how I feel after sleeping in on Saturday.

I did have the energy to do two things tonight. One:



They didn't have a box of 120 so I settled for 96. My second favorite thing to do with a new box of crayons is dump them all out and group them by color family*. My first favorite is color, of course!

Two: I broke it off with Fanboy. He called a little while ago. I gave him the whole "I see us as friends" speech. The polls said I didn't owe him a phone break-up since we only went out on one date. I usually agree with this, but I got the feeling Fanboy would want to talk. He did. Forty minutes. It wasn't bad, though. We spoke candidly about our dating history and what we want. I toyed with the idea of trying to set him up with someone. It would be completely selfish, but selfishness doesn't always lead to bad things! He'd get laid while I am free of guilt and loaded with good dating karma. I decided against this though, considering I don't have a lady in mind. Anyone know a nerdy-cool female sports fan who's shy and quirky? Does anyone even read this anymore?

There are a bunch of things I want to be good at some day. Breaking up with people isn't one of them. If I have to let a guy go I want to be as considerate and respectful as possible, but I don't want anymore practice please!

Sadly, I miss MD. Having my period twice in October isn't friggin' helping. I could call him, but what the fuck would I say? "Fooled you!" Yeah, I pulled that shit with Mick and it blew up. See this is the problem with me. (One of.) I can't tell if I miss him OR miss the idea of him OR am pretending to miss him because I'm so uncomfortable with the fact I made a strong, positive decision to protect myself from getting more hurt by someone who didn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated.

I don't know what to think. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have told him my expectations and gave him a chance to tell me his. Oh well. Even if ending it with MD was a mistake, it was the healthiest one I've ever made.



*In case you were wondering, I took the autism quotient test and got a 10. What is the opposite of autism? I have that.

Shocked and Disturbed!

I have the urge to do something that I haven't done in forever...

COLOR!!

Only problem is I can't find my big box of crayons!! I am seriously shocked and disturbed by this! I ALWAYS have at least a 64 box, but I could have sworn I had a 120 one!! I can't find it anywhere and it's not like there are a million places it could hide...

I have an 8 box, so all is not lost. And colored pencils, but I'm not really a big fan of those.

I just can't believe I don't have my crayons! I don't even know the last time I used them!! WHO AM I!?!?!?

Guess what I'm buying tomorrow. Crayola I love you!!

Beer Poker Nada Date

The past few days have been really nice, although I'm feeling a bit melancholy. It's probably because my daytime buzz has worn off...

Wednesday was a Founders brewery event at Blind Tiger. The Nemesis is 12% alcohol and 100% awesome. A description: “a dark barley wine that pours black with a subtle mahogany hue. Brewed with 5 malts and no shortage of hops for a pleasantly bitter booming flavor. Roasty and toasty with a multitude of tastes that melts on your tongue." Their Kentucky Breakfast Stout is amazing too.

Thursday was drinks with Scholly. I love catching up with old friends, feeling like no time has passed. Friday was Pokher night. The Petes and I have FINALLY decided to play poker every month. We've wanted to do this for at least eight years now. We played Texas Hold'em which is surprisingly straight-forward considering you don't trade in cards. This doesn't make it any easier to win, just easier to learn.

Yesterday I did nothing all day except sleep in and watch Rosemary's Baby. I can't believe I've put off watching it for so long. It is such a good movie. I am definitely being Mia Farrow for Halloween. Now I need to figure out where I'm going!!

Later on I ended up going to a party for the opening of Levi's Photo Workshop. It was fantastic: free to get in, free beer, and a free Nada Surf acoustic show. I've never really listened to them before, but Bakes and Juniper are huge fans so I was interested to check them out. Fo' free! They were great and I now have a crush on both the bassist and drummer. Well, maybe just the bassist's dreadlocks. The drummer isn't my type physically (not that this matters), but his enthusiasm and spirit were so warm and inviting that I had to meet him after the show. Oh Ira, you're adorable!

Today I had my date with Fanboy. The real reason I'm melancholy is because I'm bummed I don't like him. He just texted me "I can't wait to hang out with you again." GAH! Fanboy likes me, is interested in who I am and what I'm about, and is making sure I know it. This is what was missing with MD.

Great. Now I'm crying. It's so not fucking fair. If I could put Fanboy's personality into MD's body, I'd be set. And I don't mean for looks either. MD has a laidback yet confident presence, while Fanboy seems a little too insecure for me. Fuck.

See? This is why I can't online date. The physiological signs mean too much. If I don't blush, get shy* and giggly, or want to stick my tongue down a guy's throat, then I don't want to date him. I don't want to date Fanboy. BAH!



*I get shy when I really like someone. I swear.

Damn it FB!

Fanboy friended me as I was writing my last post. He seems perfectly fine, but damn it Facebook! I remove-tagged myself from all my fat pictures in lightning fast speed.

Shut up.

I can't be bothered to online date anymore. I kind of hate it, although I have been emailing with a Plenty of Fish guy this week. He's a big Giants, Mets, comic book, and Guinness fan. Check please!

I haven't been on POF in over a year, so I'm not really sure what made me even check my email. It's probably MD. I miss him. Of course I miss him. I didn't break it off because I'm not interested, I broke it off because I knew it wasn't going anywhere right now. Blerg.

My profile is apparently on the top of the recent user list because I'm getting a lot more ridiculous emails: "how u doin qt?", "Do you date black men?" from what looks like a white guy, and my favorite of the week "Shut up. : )"

Shut up? That's it? That's all you're going to write? I might write back "Kill yourself."

Fanboy gave me his number, so I'm going to call him this weekend. He also said we should be Facebook friends, but I don't like this idea. I hate the whole awkward when-do-I-delete-you dance. Who knows, maybe I won't need to but I'm not adding you until the ring's on my finger thankyouverymuch.

My, how things change.

I finally heard from MD Friday night at 12:30am. I didn't get his text until the next morning since I passed out around 11pm after drinking too much vodka at a strip club. (My life is awesome.)

The text read, "I've been out of town all week, what are you up to tonight?". I screamed out, "NOOOOOO!" I'm not sure why I did that. I guess I had already made up my mind I was done with him. If you haven't noticed, once my mind is made up it is really, really hard for me to change it. I'd say I'm stubborn, but there are so few times when I absolutely positively know how I feel about something that when it happens I need to hold onto it.

Oh. Right. That's the definition of stubborn. Crap.

I wasn't going to write him back for a couple of days to sort things out, but I did Saturday night as I was leaving Svenica's wedding. The wedding was so fun and filled with love (Congrats guys! Thanks for inviting me!) that I decided I was going to give MD another chance.

MD met me at Crazy Ass after I got back from the Giants game on Sunday. (My life is awesome.) It wasn't the same when I saw him again. I was so friggin miserable after not hearing from him that it just ruined everything. I can't blame him for my reactions and insecurity, but I do blame him for not making the effort to call. It turns out he was sent to a work conference in Vegas last minute. He apologized for not calling and for texting me so late Friday night. He said he didn't mean to be rude.

It was nice to get an explanation, but it didn't make me feel better. I spent the rest of the night trying to make conversation. I had nothing to say. When we left the bar I was going to head home then decided fuck it, literally. I went back to his place for a couple of hours. BEST KISSER OF ALL TIME. We are very sexually compatible, but that's just not enough for me. I want more.

I saw him in a completely different light. All of a sudden there were red flags everywhere. I won't go into specifics, but all signs were pointing to one thing: while he might be single, he definitely isn't available. I left feeling good about getting laid, but bad about the fact he isn't the guy for me.

I decided to break it off. I want love, I want passion, and I want someone I can trust. I know these things can build over time, but if he already let me down after six weeks I don't see it getting any better.

I womaned up and called him a couple of hours ago. He was really, really nice about it. I can't remember what I said exactly, but it was along the lines of "I had a lot of fun hanging out with you, but I'm looking for something serious and I get the feeling you want something casual right now." He agreed saying he just got out of a long-term relationship (one of the red flags) and wasn't looking to jump right into a new one. I told him I think he's awesome and said I'm really grateful we met when we did since I went through some shit this summer that he really helped me get over. I didn't go into it of course, but I really wanted to thank him. He ended up thanking me for calling and letting him know. I said I'm sure I'll see you around the neighborhood, so I thought it was best to be honest. It's good dating karma, people!!

PHEW! All of that in less than three minutes. Best break-up-with-someone-I'm-not-actually-committed-to EVER!

I hung up the phone and cried. It was good tears. I know I did the right thing. I want to create space for someone who goes out of his way to make sure I feel good about us and myself. MD wasn't the guy. I'm excited to find the one who is.

Good-bye best kisser SO FAR!

A Letter to MD

Well I'm at work and can't stop thinking about you again. It sucks. I'm not sure what I did wrong. Am I fat? Did I leave too long of a message? Did I not contact you enough? Did I call you the wrong name? (I'm burnt.) WHAT DID I DO?

Everyone keeps saying it's not me, it's you. We all know that's not true though. Obviously I'm not the person you want due to some defect of mine. If I was the one for you it wouldn't matter that you just got out of a relationship. It wouldn't matter that I'm chunky or pale or bald or whatever. You'd like me and you'd call. You'd need to see me.

And this is why you're not the right guy for me. I want to need to be with someone and I want him to need to be with me. I want the kind of love that he and I would both fight for, whether it's an internal battle or an external one. I want love in all areas of my life - job, home, friends, boyfriend, family, everything. I don't have it all yet, but I will. I thought you were a part of this. I thought you were someone who I could eventually fall in love with and who would love me back just as much. Apparently I was wrong. There were moments that I thought you saw a future too, but that's all they were. Moments.

I'm going to the bar where we met after work today. I know I won't see you. I probably won't run into you for a long time. I'm afraid that when I do you'll be with someone else. Someone I'm not, like a petite brunette. She won't be as cool as I am (that's a given), but I guess I'm not as hot as she would be. Isn't this sad? The one thing I'm harping on is the one thing I have control over fixing. Maybe that's why I met you now, right after The Boob Saga. My body "failed" me as a teen, but it's "normal" now. There's nothing holding me back from being as healthy, fit, and hot as I want to be. Not that there really was anything holding me back, but now I definitely don't have to hide who I am anymore. I have nothing to protect myself from. I've faced it all.

I will say I'm still in shock a bit. The way you talked, the way you looked at me, the way you held me. It's funny how classy and mature I thought you were just based on your suit-wearing, high-paying job and nice apartment. I guess it really does matter who we are on the inside, not the out. I hate breaking up with people, too but at least I woman up and do it. The worst part of dating is not knowing where you stand, so I make sure to be honest if it's not working out.

Sometimes it's hard to believe I will end up with someone after 33 years of heartache. 33 years...that's a long time to be alone. Granted I haven't been dating since birth, but the dance is the same. I wanted my mother's love and approval and she was unable to give it to me. It's sad to admit this is my life story. I've tried to get the love I need from the wrong people. When will I ever learn?

It's been nine days since I last saw you, six days since I left the message. It doesn't sound like a long time, but my realtionship with time itself is drastically different now. A week feels like a year. A month feels like two years. I might be part dog.

I'm writing this in my gmail, but I'm considering posting it on Thighs. I don't know what the response will be. I can't tell if I'm being pathetic or honest. Maybe both. Hmmm...can you be pathetic without being honest?

I keep thinking about that movie Serendipity when Jeremy Piven's character says to John Cusask, "You are a jackass." Cusack was willing to be foolish and stupid for love. Maybe sharing this will make me look like an ass (donkey), but maybe it will also be the cleansing purge I need to move on. I refuse to let myself drag this out, especially after how crazy I made myself with Mick. If only I could be more black and white when it comes to guys. I'm not sure if that's possible, though. I am very gray, except when it comes to seafood and beer.

I guess there's not much more to say. I can't waste my time wondering what you're thinking anymore. All I can do is take a deep breath and get back out there. In a couple weeks time you'll be a distant memory, as are most of the other guys I've dated in the past. Maybe that's the really sad part about it. I'm already the queen of fleeting relationships (boys, friends, work) and for the first time in my life I don't want to be. Hmmm...wait....

Nice!!! THAT'S the reason I haven't left Minnow yet! I'm sick of bouncing around! I want to be committed to something (I should be committed)!! HURRAH!

Wow. I feel so much better now that I've written all of this. In fact, it makes sense. I didn't think this would end on a high note, but I gotta say...THANK YOU. You came (heh) at the exact time I needed you. I'm over Mick, I'm over The Boob Saga, and I now know I am truly, truly ready for love and to settle down.

::deep breath:: Time to get back out there.

The Girls and That Shit

Today was my final post-surgery checkup. The doctor said I'm healing nicely, I'm slightly uneven, and he's finished with me. That last part is verbatim. I hope I never see him again.

I am quite happy with the girls. I really am. I'm happy with the way this all turned out, yet I can't help but wonder what the fucking point was to any of it. The only thing I know for sure is that I'll never know. It was just my path.

I haven't really allowed myself to reflect on my experience for a few weeks now. August was a painful blur. September was a drunken blur. October? I haven't decided yet. I think I'm ready to sit with this again.

I have moments when I'm looking at myself topless in the mirror and start laughing. I laugh because I'm enlightened. I laugh because I faced this thing head on and won. And I laugh because it's fucking funny. Seriously, lopsided breasts? A popped implant? You can't write this shit. Okay, well maybe I am writing it now, but still. This is a ridiculous story and it's all mine.

Am I different? Yep. I don't feel broken. I don't feel deformed. I don't feel this thing sitting in my chest anymore. The implant was in me for so long that I didn't even realize I was feeling it. When it first came out I felt like there was a hole in my chest. The hole is closing now and for the first time in my life I feel well, whole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I haven't written about therapy because I shut down after my visit a couple of weeks ago. I told Cee everything I have buried deep inside. It took a lot out of me. This is the big stuff, That Shit if you will, I am afraid to conquer. The weird thing is I'm not afraid to talk about them. I'm afraid what will happen if I do. I'm afraid of letting go.

I know now is the time for me to go back and do this. Sharing my breast and 9/11 stories were huge steps in the right direction, but I still have a lot of work to do.

I decided it would be best for me to wait until January. Financially, it makes sense with the holidays. Personally and emotionally, well there are things I resolved to take care of before the new year. Sexy, Simba, Something. I haven't forgotten nor given up. Simba's out of the picture now with the short 'do, but Sexy and Something still have a good 10 weeks to come to fruition. I want to make sure I come back to therapy ready to tackle the big issues instead of getting caught up in the less important ones. Working out and proactively looking for a new job will give me the boost I need to get That Shit out.

2010, it ain't over.

Thanks Tron

"It takes class, humility, honor, and strength. And you have them all."

I want to hole up in my hole.

Do not read this if you are in the mood to be happy...it will be whiny and grumpy.

Waaaahhh...I'm tired, I'm at work when everyone else has off, and I'm PMSy. I might be coming down with a cold. I can't tell yet. My back is achy and my eyes are heavy. All I wanted to do was sleep in today. I should have called out.

Why the fuck is the office open? Most people's badges aren't working at the turnstile this morning. Know why? The security system has today programmed as a holiday, so it doesn't think people should be getting in. HELLOOOO??? If Jarvis or Mother or whatever the fuck our system is called believes we should be closed, then we should be closed. Bah.

It's like the eight summer Fridays I got didn't even matter.

I am such an ingrate.

SLEEP. I feel like I can't get enough. I took a nap during the third quarter of the Giants game yesterday. I always seem to take third quarter naps. I'm pretty sure I slept for eight hours last night and it was still so hard to get out of bed this morning. I'm surprised I did!

Yesterday was balls, but Friday and Saturday were a lot of fun. I went to comic con, then Doll's (usual Friday night pub needed a nickname). Saturday I worked at a smaller publisher's booth in exchange for a free weekend pass, went out to dinner with the Faces and others (yay!), went to Chewie's annual convention party, and then another pub for a quick drink with the Doll's crew. Hmmm...maybe that's why I'm so tired. I didn't drink too much either night, but I was up until 1am and 3:30am respectively. Yeah, that's probably it.

Peppermint Patties are making me feel better. Stupid pdiddy and your chocolate cravings. The pizza I had for lunch made me feel better, too. I am uber healthy today.

It's beautiful out and the last thing I want to do is deal with people. I got my lunch and ran back into the office. I want to hole up in my hole and be left alone.

So MD. We didn't have definite plans for yesterday, so I called him Saturday to confirm. He never called back. Maybe I'm overreacting (shocker), but I am pretty disappointed. I spent most of the weekend thinking about him and a good hour before the game picking out something to wear. Stupid. That was one of the great things about Tat. He never made me feel insecure or worried about where I stood...

Okay, now that I'm writing about this I feel like I am overreacting. After years of dating, it's so easy to think I know the warning signs of a doomed relationship and jump to conclusions that it's over. Except for Mick of course. My head was up my ass all summer.

This isn't the first time MD didn't immediately respond to a text or call, so why am I getting worked up about it?

Oh. Right. I like him. Duh.

And it's Sunday

No word. I seriously, seriously, seriously fucking hate being single. No wait, I hate trying to NOT be single.

Today is on the brink of sucking, but I'm trying to fight it. On the bright side: the Giants won, I ate two tacos, and I don't need an implant anymore.

So up yours, dating.

I can't take it anymore...

I'M IN LIKE! I'M IN LIKE! I'M IN LIKE!

MD and I had another date on Wednesday. It was great. He's great.

All I want to do is hang out with him. He might come over on Sunday to eat ribs and watch the Giants game with me. I WISH IT WAS SUNDAY.

I am trying my absolute hardest not to freak out or cry or contact him too much or think about the future or all of the other crazy shit I do to make myself crazier.

I'm forcing myself to be positive by taking deep breaths and enjoying the good feelings. MD is sweet, funny, kind, generous, thoughtful, smart, mature...really the whole package. And he loves football, beer, Family Guy, seafood, and nookie just as much as I do. Siiiigghhh...

I'M IN LIKE! I'M IN LIKE! I'M IN LIKE!

Everybody must get Stoned

Half of my Sunday. And this wasn't even the best half. Holla!


Bakes and I split the following:

1. 13th Anniversary Ale (I tried to get the Stone Bourbon Barrel Aged 12th Anniversary Ale, but the waitress messed up the order. One of the sales reps tasted it and thought I got the 2006 Double Bastard Ale. My receipt confirms I got the 13th Anniversary, which on the board is one below the bourbon. This is the most work I've put into explaining why I got a specific beer without actually describing or giving my opinion of said beer.)
2. 070707 Red Wine Aged Vertical Epic
3. 080808 Vertical Epic
4. Imperial Russian Stout 10th Anniversary GK Mad Man Mix
5. El Camino (collaboration with 21st Amendment)
6. Double Dry Hop 14th Anniversary Ale
7. Vanilla Smoked Porter

I am not a tasting notes type of drinker, so I'll just say all of them were excellent. The standouts for me were the DDH, 08 Vertical Epic, and of course the Vanilla Smoked Porter which I fell in love with back in March when Blind Tiger had their Stone event.

I love getting Stoned.

Unsuck!

MD texted me Saturday. WOOT! He met me and the girls out that night and again last night, too. I AM CHEESIFIED.

I'm feeling really good about him now. I think I needed to get my crazy out last week, so that I can enjoy the weeks to come.

Huh.

That last bit typed itself...I guess I do see a future with him! Fingers crossed, people!

Suck

Well, that's that. It's officially "end of the week" in my mind, so I guess I'm not hearing from MD. Ugh...this is hitting me hard, probably because I take my hook-ups more seriously nowadays.

Suck.