Rejected!

A few years back I signed up with a focus group/market research center. You can get paid $100 - $150 a session!

I finally got a call a couple of weeks ago. Last night was the first gig. The study group leader came in and asked some questions about our oral hygiene routine. I said I brush twice a day and floss about 2-3 times a week, really only if I have food stuck in my teeth. She then asked how I felt about flossing. I said I know I should do it more often because it's good for my gums, but I'm lazy. The end. The leader left and a few minutes later the receptionist came in and said, "Everyone follow me except Shannon." Oooookay.

The receptionist came back and said, "We only need five people for the study, so you can go home. We will still pay you the $100 though!"

So I got paid for doing nothing. Hooray, right?

Wrong. I mean, yes it is AWESOME I got a free hundred to sit in a waiting room for twenty minutes, but I could not shake the feeling of rejection!

What is wrong with me? Should I have lied and said I floss more? Did she not like the bit about being lazy and/or having food in my teeth? Was I bitchy? Did I smell? WHAT THE HELL MADE HER NOT PICK ME!?!?!?

Not that anyone who reads Thighs needed another glimpse into my negative, self-conscious psyche, but there you have it. Apparently it means more to me to be chosen than compensated.

Ello!

Wow. The past two weeks went by fast. Time sure does fly as you get older...

SO. Where to begin? The rundown:

1. Mental health - I FEEL GREAT! Auntie D is my best friend. Therapy is amazing. I've never talked about the things Cee and I are discussing with anyone before, so I'm not sure if I'll share much on here. Maybe if I pay each of you $150 an hour I'll feel more comfortable.

2. Physical health - I FEEL PRETTY GOOD! I'd say great, but I had bad stomach issues last night. I couldn't resist Mr. Softee any longer. It's not summer without some soft vanilla ice cream! I felt fine after eating it, then later on for dinner I had Chirping Chicken and got sick immediately after. I had the ribs and chicken from there a few weeks ago and got sick the next day, but I thought it was the corn and the carrots. Now I think it must be some sort of BBQ rub or something on the meat. Hopefully it wasn't the ice cream!! The episodes are painful and gross, but I'm fine once they um, pass. I'm not as stressed out about it as I used to be, which is nice. I just have to either be near home or wear diapers* when I'm going to try new foods.

3. Work - IT'S OKAY! Last week was my first annoying one at the office. It made me feel normal!

4. Friends - I LOVE THEM ALL! My social calendar is starting to fill up. Yay! I'm so glad I have the strength to go out again. I had dinner with Ceej and Breen last Wednesday. Friday I hung out at Doll's with the usual crew. Saturday I got to see Rolo and Stevie at the beer garden during the day, then celebrated Juniper's birthday there that night. I missed everyone so much!

5. MDLL - I'M IN LOVE! I know, I know. My last post sad we aren't together and I wanted to see other people. Yeah, no. I got scared after he told me he loved me. Now I'm not. I'm going for it. Gah! We are an official couple now. I introduced him as "my boyfriend" a few times Saturday night and asked him about it yesterday:

"Soooo...I called you my boyfriend at the beer garden."

"Yeah, I heard that."

"What do you think?"

"I liked it." (adorable smile)

"Are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?" (goofy smile)

"Of course!"

"Will you officially ask me?" (giggling)

"Shannon, will you be my girlfriend?"

"Yes!" (make out)

YAY YAY YAY!

Second half of 2011 is looking good!


*I thought I should mention this was a joke. I'm told sometimes you never know with me. Hell, sometimes I never know with myself!

Weekendy End

Now that I feel better I'm back to my regularly scheduled case of the Mondays. I barely did anything today. Poop!

Friday night was my date with MDLL. Dinner was delicious, kissing and hugging on the pier at Gantry Park was romantic, dancing on his roof was like a dream, and the sex was the best yet. The one problem - I had to ask him to verbalize his feelings again. It was a bit disappointing, especially because we had two perfect settings for him to whisper sweet nothings and make me melt.

I woke up on Saturday very unsure of what to do next. I was centered though and felt (still feel) in control of my emotions and the situation. Luckily I had a lovely afternoon planned with Bakes, who helped me sort things out. We had lunch at my new favorite taco place Tortilleria Nixtamal. The fish tacos are to die for!! SO GOOD! Afterwards we went to the Mets/Phillies game. It was my first of the season and they won! WOO HOO!

My instincts had told me to keep the conversation nice and light Friday. By Saturday night, my gut said to booty call him at 11pm and ride him into the ground. We both thoroughly enjoyed it.

Yesterday I was finally ready to talk. Thankfully he was, too. We shared a lot about our feelings for each other and our relationship this past year. He told me he loved me. I cried.

While we both really care about each other, we agreed we're at a standstill. We've exhausted our conversations about the new information and our future. There's really nothing left to do except sort out our own lives.

The truth is I'm unsure if MDLL's The One. The communication is a huge issue for me. We wouldn't have had so many ups and downs if there had been a consistently honest and open dialogue. It's a shame it took this long to get here. It might be too late.

Or it might not. For once I am okay with not knowing. I'm ready to start dating again. Maybe I meet someone special. Maybe I don't. I would be crushed if he started dating someone, but maybe I need to lose him to know I definitely want him. Maybe we end up as friends. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. It's exciting.

This weekend was the best I've had all year.

Brilliant

Thanks Juniper!

If kittens didn't turn into cats, I would buy five.

Eat, bitch!

I'm also feeling so much better now that I'm upping my calories. I went over 1400 today! WOOT!



Note: I didn't actually have Wegman's sushi, but their brand are one of the few with brown rice listed.

Note to Self

Dear Future Thighs,

You will probably toy with going off Auntie D at some point in the next two years. It has to happen just to see if we can handle it. I'm hoping we are in a position to do well of course. That being said...

DON'T DO IT! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! YOU FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ON THEM!

Thanks!

Present Thighs


I seriously cannot describe how good I feel this week. I started taking the full 50mg of Zoloft Saturday and it is already working its happy magic. I can think straight, I can focus at work, I am inspired, and I feel GOOD.

Therapy is going really well, too. I've said it before and I'll say it forever - I really think everyone should go to therapy at some point in their life. I am breaking through some tough walls to find my truths and it feels wonderful.

Jesus. This is the best I've felt all year!!! Hooray!!

WHEEEE!!!

Before I get on with my day I need to write about this weekend.

MDLL called Saturday night. We talked for about an hour both then and yesterday. He said so many wonderful and heartfelt things. He apologized for everything and said he wants us to be together again, this time as a real couple. He also said he will take action on the new information, so that he and we can move forward.

It was like a dream. I I haven't stopped smiling!! WOO HOO!!

I am really, really excited and happy about this. I am also very nervous, too. Thoughts:

I need open communication and a firm date on the end of the new information. I refuse to assume, worry, pry, push, make excuses, or wait around with my thumb up my ass for him.

I need to focus on me this time. I'm feeling physically better, only slight aches and pains now. I am ready to eat more. I am ready to work hard again. I am ready to get my life in order. Therapy and Auntie D are already helping me so much. I am grateful. What I am nervous about is this - how do I build a solid foundation of self without getting pieces of MDLL mixed in the concrete? I cannot afford to have my happiness tied to whether or not MDLL and I work out. MDLL or any other guy. How do I prevent codependency?

I need to trust, too. At this very moment I am not sure I want to get back together with him. I don't completely trust him with my heart again. One part of me is saying it's over, move on. The other part of me feels like if MDLL is willing to work at it, then I can give him one more chance. JUST ONE. I know he is a good man and a good friend. Now that he wants to be a good boyfriend, I am curious to see how this goes. Curiouser and curiouser. We are hanging out on Friday to discuss our next steps. Chances are this is our make or break date.

Enough of the serious thoughts...

HE LIKES ME HE REALLY LIKES ME!! His exact words were, "I'm crazy about you." Jaw. Floor. I wish I had a tape recorder. WHEEEEE!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!

Fuck.

I think I know what's wrong. This week I signed up for a free online food journal to track my calories.

I only ate 850 yesterday. Geez.

I really need to add more food to my diet.

Stoned

I feel like crap again today, the old crap - drained, rundown, tired. My mom thinks it's the heat. She might be right. It's annoying though because every time I feel shitty I run through all of the things that may have gone wrong. Did I eat anything bad? Did I eat enough food? Did I take my meds? Did I take my meds too close together? Are the meds making me feel this? Is it the vitamins/my pdiddy/my mental state?

I question everything nowadays. It's fucking exhausting.

I hadn't needed the anti-inflammatory for almost a week now, then yesterday I woke up in pain again. Today, too. It's hard waking up like this. Actually no, it's hard waking up like this and not letting it ruin my day.

Yesterday was the roughest MDLLless day yet. Bakes thinks I'm making myself sick over it. She's probably right. There are no boundaries between my emotional and physical health lately. I was so tempted to call him, but I refrained. I realized I don't want to talk or hang out. All I want to do is hug him, feel my face against his, and give him kisses down his neck. Someone make that happen please.

I'm sooo tired. I look like I'm stoned. I feel like I'm stoned. Maybe I am stoned.

Blerg.

Adult things

This is a comment to the EHarmony creator's article on Huffington Post. I like this.

"The problem is not "getting the right person" it is all about BEING the right person. The spouse is a mirror to be able to see your own wounds, hurts, and unhealed areas so they can come to the surface to heal. Every time you are triggered, you should thank you spouse for showing something about yourself that you couldn't see and heal without such a close, demanding relationsh­ip. All of us would rather stay on the surface and run from our internal issues, but the world will not transform until each individual chooses to transform into the love, peace, and wholeness that we are. Change on the outside begins on the inside.

Marriage is a sacred union to heal, make whole, free, awaken, and bring each to oneness with the Source of Life. Marriage brings up everything that is not love so it can heal, and we can be free, intimate, and joyful. The problem is not the marriage relationsh­ip, or the wrong spouse. The problem lies in each human being as we either resist change, or grow and expand into the vast, spiritual, multidimen­sional beings we truly are. Marriage is the holy road to the unconsciou­s. Marriage triggers everything unlike love in our growth towards wholeness. The purpose of marriage is rebirth into our true loving selves. It requires a death of the old. New life is the result of walking through the fire of transforma­tion in the crucible of sacred, committed, marital love.

www.newhea­venonearth­.wordpress­.com"

You're a fiiirework...

I like Katy Perry.

I am in a weird mood this morning. It feels like my acid trip ended a couple of hours ago and I'm in the limbo state between coming back to reality and passing out. Maybe that's a better description for my "absent fogness". I'm at work, but it doesn't feel like I'm really sitting here. This is the last place I want to be. I, like most people, would prefer never to have to work again. I might have kids just so I can be a stay at home mom. Isn't that nice? It's like being a teacher solely for summer vacations.

I know somewhere inside I'm really going to like this job. My position requires drive, initiative, creativity, and smarts. I have those things, so I don't get why I'm not off and running yet. I guess I'm just exhausted from this year. I could really, REALLY use a vacation. A week where I don't have to work, don't have doctor appointments, don't think about MDLL, and can drink/eat anything I want. You know, have my old life back.

MDLL. I barely slept Friday night. Every time I woke up I thought about him. Saturday I was an exhausted and cry-y waste. I went to Bacon's for a bit to relax and mourn, then went to my parents' house. My cousin's 4th of July party was Sunday, so I figured it would be good to head down to NJ early. I really needed to get out of Astoria.

The family party was okay. I felt like a whiny hypochondriac broken record recounting my health woes of this year. All I wanted to do was talk about and cry over MDLL. Yesterday Juniper and I went to a BBQ at a local pub. I was okay for the most part, but I did cry a couple of times. Remind me not to break up with someone when I'm PMSing.

What am I crying about? One, I wish he would fight for me. I wish he would show up at my door with flowers and say, "I need you. Let's make this work." Two, I'm feeling guilty and worried. He already went through one major split last year, now he has to deal with our mini-one. I don't want to hurt him any more than he already is...then again I'm not even sure he is hurting. I really just want to take care of him and make sure he feels loved, secure, and safe. Me? I'll be fine. I'm sad and I'll miss him, but I'll survive. I know single well.

So there's my weekend. It was what it was. I didn't feel up to heading over to the west side to see the Macy's fireworks on the Hudson (bastards!) again this year. I was pleasantly surprised to find I could see a lot of it from my roof, though!! Half of the flower bursts were obstructed, but I didn't mind. It was actually pretty cool to watch them against the skyline. There were plenty of illegal ones set off in the neighborhood, too.

Blah. Work. You can tell I'm getting a lot done right now, huh? What the fuck is my problem? I know about seven people who lost their jobs in the past two weeks. Why doesn't this make me feel grateful to have one? Why doesn't it scare the shit out of me and pump up my old super work ethic? Man, I am not myself this year. All I want to do is sleep. Hopefully it will get better once the Zoloft kicks in.

One plus this morning, I saw three cute redheads today. Three!! I felt like I was walking down The Gingerbrick Road.

A redhead a day keeps the depression away...

Good Bad Good Bad Bood Gad

Yesterday ended up being a great work day. I felt awesome and got a TON done. Yay for focusing and being a good employee!!

By the time I got home I felt pretty crappy again. It wasn't as bad as Wednesday, but it wasn't good either. My hips and legs were killing me and the absent fog was back. I really don't have any other way to describe it other than I'm here, but not here.

I still made it out to see the fireworks at Astoria Park, though. I LOVE FIREWORKS!! They made me happy. Seeing MDLL made me sad. I knew it might be one of the last nights I'd see him for a while, then he showed up smashed. It was weird.

Today I woke up with a little nausea and pains. I forced myself to cook eggs because I knew if I didn't use my stove immediately after the gas leak I wouldn't use it for months. I felt better after I ate, then out of it again. It's so annoying.

Continuing the up and downness of it all I felt pretty good this afternoon. I saw Super 8 with Juniper and Bacon. It was Super GR8!! (I must be the millionth person to make that comment!) We went to the bar for a bit and after a glass and a half of seltzer water my stomach started acting up again. Really? Seltzer? I can't win!!

I came home and made the dreaded phone call. I broke up with MDLL for real. After all of this time he finally told me everything I wanted to hear: he cares about me, I'm very special to him, and he thinks of me as his girlfriend. I cried. A lot. IT SUCKED SUCKS IS SUCKING. I love him. I really, really do. I just don't think we should be together right now. I hate feeling this way, but I can't ignore it.

I'm in duality, per usual. Fuckin' Pisces. On the one hand, we both need to sort out some shit before we can move forward. On the other, I'm afraid I'm throwing away my taco lobster. If MDLL was more vocal about his feelings and made a bit more effort, we would have been perfect. I don't know if that means he's not my taco lobster or what. I guess only time will tell.

So there ya have it. Good, bad, good, bad.

Huh. Now that I wrote that, maybe the idea of good and bad days is stupid. It's all just lifing, right?

Please today!

A couple of months ago when I was cooking I noticed it smelled like gas in the cabinet near the stove. I didn't think much of it because the stove was on and usually smells like a bit of gas anyways.

This week I noticed the cabinet smelled like gas even when the stove was off. I cringed at the thought of calling ConEd or the fire department YET AGAIN, then realized it is better to be a nervous dickhead than a murderer.

They came last night. I had a gas leak. Sammy the ConEd guy was super nice. He tightened the valve and told my super it needs to be replaced immediately. My super is here replacing it now. He showed me my valve compared to a new one. It was like comparing The Cryptkeeper to a baby. STOVEGATE 2011!!

Yesterday morning I woke up tired and nauseous. Both are known side effects of Zoloft. It seemed like an episode of my stomach issues again, though. All day I felt like shit, then I came home, dealt with ConEd, and headed to the bar for MDLL's birthday. I didn't last long. I ate a piece of chicken and went home. It was the same feeling I've had in the past, a wave of exhaustion and a twisted feeling in my intestines. I was able to sleep fine and I feel okay this morning so far although I'm still nauseous and now my intestines feel empty and raw. In related news, pooping is not fun anymore.

I don't think I'm eating enough for all of the medication and vitamins I'm taking. My daily diet for the last month is pretty much this:

2-3 scrambled or hard-boiled eggs
greek yogurt
blueberries or raspberries
2 pieces of grilled chicken with asparagus or spinach salad with grilled chicken, asparagus, avocado, celery with olive oil
almonds
more blueberries or raspberries
dinner lately is either 2-3 tacos, a burger (no bun, sometimes fries), quinoa with a vegetable, or grilled chicken

I need and want to start introducing more foods and calories back to my diet, but episodes like last night hold me back. On Tuesday I added broccoli and carrots to my salad. Yesterday morning I had one sip of coffee because I was so tired. Other than that it's been pretty much the above. In case you're not familiar with gluten-free and yeast-free diets, it's like Atkins. Here's the food list I've been consulting: Whole Approach Candida Diet.

On top of that I haven't finished something due today at work. Also, I don't think MDLL understands we are breaking up. While he didn't do many romantic things, he is super affectionate and continued to be so last night. I know he does care about me, but we need to end this for a while. Apparently I need to be more forceful.

GAH. It's only 8:30am. Please be a good day today!

Breaking up...again.

MDLL and I are breaking up. Well, I broke it off last night, but we are going to hang out the next two nights for his birthday. So it's like a break up week.

The new information brought up some things I ignored for the past four months because a) I wasn't feeling well, b) he made me feel TONS better, c) I was SUPER happy, and d) I thought things were changing.

I was hoping MDLL would spend our week apart reflecting and taking action. He didn't. I don't know if he will for a while.

The other issue besides his complacency was the lack of romance. MDLL hasn't gone out of his way to get me a gift or do something thoughtful, take me out on a date he planned himself, or verbalize his feelings. I thought it was just a boy thing or his way, but now I realize it is a reflection of what he thinks of me. I'm still a friend with benefits after all this time.

We're right back to where we always end up - I am committed to him on all levels, but he isn't committed to me.

This morning I felt guilty about my decision. It was combination guilt of putting my needs first and leaving him at a rough (?) time.

By the afternoon I was proud. I can honestly say I tried my hardest to make things work. July 6th would have been ten months since we met. This was my longest adult relationship, even with the breaks in between. I broke six months, woo hoo!! I would have went even longer if given the chance. Hell, I would have married him if he asked.

Who knows? Maybe down the road we try again. My gut says this is it, though. I need and deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me.

I am ready to move on.

Sorry Pee-Wee!

So this happened:




HAHAHAHAHA! Oops!

Boooo fast weekend!

My weekends are going by faster and faster, even without raging hangovers. Damn you raging soberovers!

The weeklong break with MDLL lasted four whole days. I called him Friday night. We texted a bit tonight, too. We didn't hang out at all, which was good. While I miss him a lot I needed a weekend to myself.

I stayed in Friday night. Saturday was a full day. I went shoe shopping again. No luck on supportive summery sandals/shoes yet, although I have a good idea of what I want now. I'm avoiding all flip flops and any other shoe with the big toe/second toe (pointer toe?) hold. I really think years of wearing those shoes contributed to my foot spasms.

Did I mention Cee holds focusing workshops? It's sort of like group therapy, but with more structure and participation. Group therapy can be shitty if one person takes up the whole session. I know that sounds mean, but it can get annoying. Ironically this weekend's workshop was about listening. I like to think I'm a good listener, but there are PLENTY of times I can't wait to talk. I'm very quick to make it about me, giving MY advice or MY opinion or telling a similar story from MY life. That's a conversation, right? Of course it is, but there are times where all the other person needs is to be heard. I like this.

I walked past a friend's restaurant after therapy. I rarely go in, but my instincts told me I should. I saw my friend at the bar. We chatted for a couple of minutes when a woman sat down next to me. It turns out she was a tarot card reader, so I asked for a reading. It was fantastic. She was pretty vague about some things in my past and well, I have no idea what the future will bring but it was nice to connect with someone on a psychic plane. Laugh it up, fuzzball.

After the card reading I headed over to Juniper's BBQ. Mick was there of course (they are roommates) and MY GOD I cannot believe he and I hooked up a year ago. No interest in doing that again whatsoever. I really do like him as a friend, though!

I had a lot of fun at the BBQ (thanks J!), but I was a bit freaked out for a couple of hours. The Zoloft made me feel like I was on speed. My eyes were wide open, my mouth was super dry, my mind was racing, and I couldn't stop talking. I sort of wanted to jump out of my skin. I know it will be better in a couple of days. I feel fine now. I can't remember what it was like the last time I started the meds. I was so far gone then, though. It's different now. I feel better than I did back in 2006 FO' SURE. I hadn't started Thighs yet, so maybe I'll look at my journals from that year.

Today I went to Target and DSW for another failed shoe shopping attempt. I love Target. I want everything in that damn store. I tried on a few cute dresses (!!), but I took the wrong sizes into the dressing room and was too lazy to go back to get the right one. Larges were hanging off of me. I gotta tell you, it's fucking awesome! Sure the weight loss started for a crappy reason, but now I'm enjoying it. I'm excited to start working out soon! Oh and I'm also ready to start introducing more foods. I can tell because I'm starting to crave carbs. I don't plan on eating wheat ever again, though. It's not worth it.

I made MDLL a mint chocolate chip ice cream pie. He told me his mom used to make it for his birthday every year, so I thought I'd surprise him with one. I hope he likes it!

Crap. It's midnight. I can't believe it's Monday already. Boooo fast weekend!

Relieved

Soooo...this week was not good. Not good at all.

Today is the first day I am focused, strong, hopeful, and now relieved.

Why relieved? Primary and I decided it's time to go back on Auntie D. I was strongly opposed to the idea up until yesterday. Enough is enough. I was NOT functional this week. Sure I made it to work, but I couldn't be bothered to do a damn thing. I cry at the drop of a hat, I fuck around online (ahem), and all of my symptoms from this year came back: lightheadedness, dizziness, panic, and the absent fog. The dickhead doctor was right. It WAS depression and anxiety, but that wasn't the whole story.

I hated the idea of going back on anti-depressants because it felt shameful. I failed myself. Well I realize now I didn't fail at all. I went almost two years without them with relatively "normal" Thighs mania. I lost my shit this year and now I'm finally well enough to see how it's affecting the rest of my life. A few of my relationships are rocky, my work performance is subpar, and Delilah is a disaster. I've already admitted to being in the midst of an identity crisis, I've lost interest in most everything I supposedly love, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. These are some pretty good reasons to go back on them. Now that I've made the decision, I am relieved from the stress and anxiety about MAKING the decision. I'm nervous of course, but right now I need to do everything I can to stay physically healthy and mentally/emotionally strong.

2011 is halfway over. I still have time to turn this year around. Who knows? Maybe it will end up being one of the best I've ever had.

White Wine

Sheesh!!

Holy crap, Monica. You were totally right! (Hugs!)

He read it.

He responded saying he completely understands I need some time to think about things and he hopes I have a great week.

He's a good guy.

I just hope he's taking some time to think about (and act on) things, too.

A break.

Things with MDLL and I have been going really well lately. He makes me so happy that I want to puke. Happy puke!

Unfortunately a few days ago he gave me an update on the new information. It was not what I wanted to hear. We talked about it for a while, but I couldn't seem to verbalize what I was feeling. Me! Words! None! Who am I??

We still had a fantastic weekend together, despite the newER information. It wasn't until I saw my parents on Sunday when something shifted.

My mom is a rage charmer. As soon as the anger-filled curse words fly out of her mouth, my rage wakes from its slumber and dances its way up through my soul. A headbanging hardcore dance. It is a horrible feeling, one that I only recently realized is not in my natural disposition. She taught me how to react this way to stress, anxiety, and fear. It is not who I am deep down.

I brought up MDLL a few times and she didn't say a word. As bad as her mouth gets, it's way worse when she's silent. I let her rip. My dad did, too.

It was upsetting, but I'm glad we talked about it. I cried of course, because that's what my rage snake does these days. I prefer tears over unmanageable anger.

After hours of stressing, I decided MDLL and I need a break this week. No texts, calls, hanging out, nothing. I wrote him an email telling him this yesterday, which I reread 17 times before finally deleting it this morning. I was driving myself crazy.

It was shitty of me to write him, but I couldn't bear talking to him about it. I didn't want to fall over my own words again. He rarely checks his email (Hotmail, hello 1998!*), so I'm not sure he even read it. I haven't heard from him since Sunday night, so he probably did. BLERG.

Negative feelings:
I'm disappointed with him for not being more open. I'm angry because I feel like I'm being punished. I'm sad because I'll ridiculously miss him this week. I'm worried this might be the beginning of the end for us. I'm scared to see what he chooses to do next. Either he'll fight for me or he won't.

Positive feelings:
I am very proud of how I've handled my emotions lately. I feel stronger than I have in a long time. Boys tend to make me fucking batty and it's been months since I went mental over him. I could have lost my shit three weeks ago and I didn't. Yay!

My only concern is how I handle myself this week without him. My track record shows that I do not manage these breaks very well. I must stay positive and healthy. I am going to treat myself to something nice every day this week. Tonight is therapy (I need it!), then I'm thinking a haircut, a pedicure, and some shopping. I really want to get new shoes and clothes. Oh right...gotta play the lottery, too.

Also, I'm trying to keep things in perspective. It's been hard this year with being sick and all, but I'm getting there. In sort of related news, I started following First World Pains on Twitter. It is all about yuppie asshole "problems", ie Starbucks fucked up your coffee order or your thumbs hurt from texting. It's hilarious how ridiculous I/we/they all sound compared to what the rest of the world is going through. It might help me in my own life:

"I hate that I have to buy all new pants because I lost so much weight!" #Iwantyourproblems

"My boss never talks to me." #Iwantyourjob

"I'm in love with my boyfriend, but I don't know if he loves me." #getahobby

"I've spent over $1,000 this year on doctors, procedures, therapy, vitamins, and medication." #atleastyoucanaffordit

"I'm bored and not reaching my true potential." #yourlifeissogoodthatyouthinkyouneedtogetmoreoutofit

Perspective!



*Rolo, you're allowed to have Hotmail still. Miss you!