Fun with Colors

Ever wear or buy something in a specific color and feel like that color is following you? For example, the day I decided to paint my college bedroom lilac I was later surrounded by lilac things: shirts, flowers, stickers, store signs. I took this to mean I made the right decision!

Since then I've taken notice whenever a color is near itself. It has to be an interesting color or a situation that makes you stop and think what is the probability of these two random things matching?

Have I lost you yet? Maybe visual aides will help. I started taking some pictures. It's a bit hard though! Today this woman was standing at the corner. Her black and white striped skirt matched the crosswalk perfectly. I couldn't get the picture before the light changed though! Blah!

Cars are pretty easy, but I always wonder what are the chances two of the same color would park right next to each other?



This was a fun one. A cab was parked at the light for a while, but I missed the photo op. It would have been a trifecta of mustardy yellow!

I love this.

And these too:

Boob wha?

Facebook has this new (new to me?) thing where it shows your status from a year ago today.

On 08/23/10 I wrote: "Two day work week! Yay!"

I racked my brain for a good five minutes trying to remember why I would have taken off three days. Pittsburgh? No, that was July. A staycation? No, I've never done that before.

Then it hit me.

BOOB SURGERY! Thursday is the anniversary. Jesus.

Stupid cold

I was hoping the Sick Gods would keep me healthy for the rest of the year. Ha, no. It's just a little summer cold, nothing serious. My whole face feels pinched.

Things got much better at work by the end of last week. I had a really good talk with Voldemort and the rest of Billing. Voldemort is still a bitch, but she's always one so I'm not taking it personally anymore. I keep playing the scene in Bring It On when the boyfriend says to what's her nuts "Big Red's a bitch. We all know that!" It helps.

One of the main complaints from them is how Iron is nowhere to be found. She blew off a meeting with us on Friday, which started a huge vent/rant about her. Not good at all. She also blew off two important meetings today, too. Not sure what to do about this yet.

MDLL and I spent the last six out of eight days together. So much fun. I love him!! We ate a lot of tacos, watched movies and TV shows on Netflix streaming THE GREATEST INVENTION OF ALL TIME, went to Lebowskifest for a cast reunion/Q&A and a screening of the film, and hung at the neighborhood bars. I've never dated anyone for this long, so I am trying to figure out what works best for me in regards to how much we see each other/talk/bang. Yesterday I made a point of not texting him because a) I felt like shit, b) I worked until 8pm, and c) I wanted to make sure I could go a day without contact. I survived. Of course the thought crossed my mind he was hit by a bus, can't dial/text me, yet has the ability to answer/respond and the fact I didn't call has left him broken hearted in the hospital. I am my mother's daughter.

I want to live with him and get married. I know I do. I'm not sure how this works, though! I mean like, I've known him for a year. Will we be eating tacos this time next year, too? Will I get sick of us eating tacos? Will he get sick of me eating tacos? How do we keep the sex interesting? It's fucking awesome now. Will it always be awesome?

Believe it or not, this isn't a freak out. It's honest and calm questions from a 33 year old woman who never had a long term relationship.

I can even see us having a kid. One kid. The thought of being pregnant and responsible for a life does freak me out, but the thought of having one with MDLL doesn not. When I see a dad carrying his daughter or holding his son's hand, I think of MDLL. I like this. I do not like the birth, the strain on my body, the sleepless nights, the parental whine, and you know, the commitment to raising a child. My goldish died in a week because I was too cheap to buy a tank. YIKES. Maybe I can get a surrogate to keep my kid until he's old enough to take care of himself.

Love acks!

Ack! I can't stop thinking about MDLL! He's my boyfriend! My very hot, funny, smart, kind boyfriend! Ack ack ack!

I wish I could love him up every single day. Ack!

So awesome. So, so incredibly awesome.

ACK!

Appropriately named...

Thanks Douis!

How I feel this morning...

YAY! CHEESE!

Moron

I signed MDLL up for Facebook. He could care less about social networking, but he mentioned some college friends he'd like to get in touch with and I said FB is a really easy way to reconnect.

I am a friggin moron for encouraging this, though. I've already checked his profile twelve times in the past 36 hours since he created an account.

FACEBOOK STALKING MY BOYFRIEND. Jerk alert!!

Rejected!

A few years back I signed up with a focus group/market research center. You can get paid $100 - $150 a session!

I finally got a call a couple of weeks ago. Last night was the first gig. The study group leader came in and asked some questions about our oral hygiene routine. I said I brush twice a day and floss about 2-3 times a week, really only if I have food stuck in my teeth. She then asked how I felt about flossing. I said I know I should do it more often because it's good for my gums, but I'm lazy. The end. The leader left and a few minutes later the receptionist came in and said, "Everyone follow me except Shannon." Oooookay.

The receptionist came back and said, "We only need five people for the study, so you can go home. We will still pay you the $100 though!"

So I got paid for doing nothing. Hooray, right?

Wrong. I mean, yes it is AWESOME I got a free hundred to sit in a waiting room for twenty minutes, but I could not shake the feeling of rejection!

What is wrong with me? Should I have lied and said I floss more? Did she not like the bit about being lazy and/or having food in my teeth? Was I bitchy? Did I smell? WHAT THE HELL MADE HER NOT PICK ME!?!?!?

Not that anyone who reads Thighs needed another glimpse into my negative, self-conscious psyche, but there you have it. Apparently it means more to me to be chosen than compensated.

Ello!

Wow. The past two weeks went by fast. Time sure does fly as you get older...

SO. Where to begin? The rundown:

1. Mental health - I FEEL GREAT! Auntie D is my best friend. Therapy is amazing. I've never talked about the things Cee and I are discussing with anyone before, so I'm not sure if I'll share much on here. Maybe if I pay each of you $150 an hour I'll feel more comfortable.

2. Physical health - I FEEL PRETTY GOOD! I'd say great, but I had bad stomach issues last night. I couldn't resist Mr. Softee any longer. It's not summer without some soft vanilla ice cream! I felt fine after eating it, then later on for dinner I had Chirping Chicken and got sick immediately after. I had the ribs and chicken from there a few weeks ago and got sick the next day, but I thought it was the corn and the carrots. Now I think it must be some sort of BBQ rub or something on the meat. Hopefully it wasn't the ice cream!! The episodes are painful and gross, but I'm fine once they um, pass. I'm not as stressed out about it as I used to be, which is nice. I just have to either be near home or wear diapers* when I'm going to try new foods.

3. Work - IT'S OKAY! Last week was my first annoying one at the office. It made me feel normal!

4. Friends - I LOVE THEM ALL! My social calendar is starting to fill up. Yay! I'm so glad I have the strength to go out again. I had dinner with Ceej and Breen last Wednesday. Friday I hung out at Doll's with the usual crew. Saturday I got to see Rolo and Stevie at the beer garden during the day, then celebrated Juniper's birthday there that night. I missed everyone so much!

5. MDLL - I'M IN LOVE! I know, I know. My last post sad we aren't together and I wanted to see other people. Yeah, no. I got scared after he told me he loved me. Now I'm not. I'm going for it. Gah! We are an official couple now. I introduced him as "my boyfriend" a few times Saturday night and asked him about it yesterday:

"Soooo...I called you my boyfriend at the beer garden."

"Yeah, I heard that."

"What do you think?"

"I liked it." (adorable smile)

"Are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?" (goofy smile)

"Of course!"

"Will you officially ask me?" (giggling)

"Shannon, will you be my girlfriend?"

"Yes!" (make out)

YAY YAY YAY!

Second half of 2011 is looking good!


*I thought I should mention this was a joke. I'm told sometimes you never know with me. Hell, sometimes I never know with myself!

Weekendy End

Now that I feel better I'm back to my regularly scheduled case of the Mondays. I barely did anything today. Poop!

Friday night was my date with MDLL. Dinner was delicious, kissing and hugging on the pier at Gantry Park was romantic, dancing on his roof was like a dream, and the sex was the best yet. The one problem - I had to ask him to verbalize his feelings again. It was a bit disappointing, especially because we had two perfect settings for him to whisper sweet nothings and make me melt.

I woke up on Saturday very unsure of what to do next. I was centered though and felt (still feel) in control of my emotions and the situation. Luckily I had a lovely afternoon planned with Bakes, who helped me sort things out. We had lunch at my new favorite taco place Tortilleria Nixtamal. The fish tacos are to die for!! SO GOOD! Afterwards we went to the Mets/Phillies game. It was my first of the season and they won! WOO HOO!

My instincts had told me to keep the conversation nice and light Friday. By Saturday night, my gut said to booty call him at 11pm and ride him into the ground. We both thoroughly enjoyed it.

Yesterday I was finally ready to talk. Thankfully he was, too. We shared a lot about our feelings for each other and our relationship this past year. He told me he loved me. I cried.

While we both really care about each other, we agreed we're at a standstill. We've exhausted our conversations about the new information and our future. There's really nothing left to do except sort out our own lives.

The truth is I'm unsure if MDLL's The One. The communication is a huge issue for me. We wouldn't have had so many ups and downs if there had been a consistently honest and open dialogue. It's a shame it took this long to get here. It might be too late.

Or it might not. For once I am okay with not knowing. I'm ready to start dating again. Maybe I meet someone special. Maybe I don't. I would be crushed if he started dating someone, but maybe I need to lose him to know I definitely want him. Maybe we end up as friends. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. It's exciting.

This weekend was the best I've had all year.

Brilliant

Thanks Juniper!

If kittens didn't turn into cats, I would buy five.

Eat, bitch!

I'm also feeling so much better now that I'm upping my calories. I went over 1400 today! WOOT!



Note: I didn't actually have Wegman's sushi, but their brand are one of the few with brown rice listed.

Note to Self

Dear Future Thighs,

You will probably toy with going off Auntie D at some point in the next two years. It has to happen just to see if we can handle it. I'm hoping we are in a position to do well of course. That being said...

DON'T DO IT! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! YOU FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ON THEM!

Thanks!

Present Thighs


I seriously cannot describe how good I feel this week. I started taking the full 50mg of Zoloft Saturday and it is already working its happy magic. I can think straight, I can focus at work, I am inspired, and I feel GOOD.

Therapy is going really well, too. I've said it before and I'll say it forever - I really think everyone should go to therapy at some point in their life. I am breaking through some tough walls to find my truths and it feels wonderful.

Jesus. This is the best I've felt all year!!! Hooray!!

WHEEEE!!!

Before I get on with my day I need to write about this weekend.

MDLL called Saturday night. We talked for about an hour both then and yesterday. He said so many wonderful and heartfelt things. He apologized for everything and said he wants us to be together again, this time as a real couple. He also said he will take action on the new information, so that he and we can move forward.

It was like a dream. I I haven't stopped smiling!! WOO HOO!!

I am really, really excited and happy about this. I am also very nervous, too. Thoughts:

I need open communication and a firm date on the end of the new information. I refuse to assume, worry, pry, push, make excuses, or wait around with my thumb up my ass for him.

I need to focus on me this time. I'm feeling physically better, only slight aches and pains now. I am ready to eat more. I am ready to work hard again. I am ready to get my life in order. Therapy and Auntie D are already helping me so much. I am grateful. What I am nervous about is this - how do I build a solid foundation of self without getting pieces of MDLL mixed in the concrete? I cannot afford to have my happiness tied to whether or not MDLL and I work out. MDLL or any other guy. How do I prevent codependency?

I need to trust, too. At this very moment I am not sure I want to get back together with him. I don't completely trust him with my heart again. One part of me is saying it's over, move on. The other part of me feels like if MDLL is willing to work at it, then I can give him one more chance. JUST ONE. I know he is a good man and a good friend. Now that he wants to be a good boyfriend, I am curious to see how this goes. Curiouser and curiouser. We are hanging out on Friday to discuss our next steps. Chances are this is our make or break date.

Enough of the serious thoughts...

HE LIKES ME HE REALLY LIKES ME!! His exact words were, "I'm crazy about you." Jaw. Floor. I wish I had a tape recorder. WHEEEEE!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!

Fuck.

I think I know what's wrong. This week I signed up for a free online food journal to track my calories.

I only ate 850 yesterday. Geez.

I really need to add more food to my diet.

Stoned

I feel like crap again today, the old crap - drained, rundown, tired. My mom thinks it's the heat. She might be right. It's annoying though because every time I feel shitty I run through all of the things that may have gone wrong. Did I eat anything bad? Did I eat enough food? Did I take my meds? Did I take my meds too close together? Are the meds making me feel this? Is it the vitamins/my pdiddy/my mental state?

I question everything nowadays. It's fucking exhausting.

I hadn't needed the anti-inflammatory for almost a week now, then yesterday I woke up in pain again. Today, too. It's hard waking up like this. Actually no, it's hard waking up like this and not letting it ruin my day.

Yesterday was the roughest MDLLless day yet. Bakes thinks I'm making myself sick over it. She's probably right. There are no boundaries between my emotional and physical health lately. I was so tempted to call him, but I refrained. I realized I don't want to talk or hang out. All I want to do is hug him, feel my face against his, and give him kisses down his neck. Someone make that happen please.

I'm sooo tired. I look like I'm stoned. I feel like I'm stoned. Maybe I am stoned.

Blerg.

Adult things

This is a comment to the EHarmony creator's article on Huffington Post. I like this.

"The problem is not "getting the right person" it is all about BEING the right person. The spouse is a mirror to be able to see your own wounds, hurts, and unhealed areas so they can come to the surface to heal. Every time you are triggered, you should thank you spouse for showing something about yourself that you couldn't see and heal without such a close, demanding relationsh­ip. All of us would rather stay on the surface and run from our internal issues, but the world will not transform until each individual chooses to transform into the love, peace, and wholeness that we are. Change on the outside begins on the inside.

Marriage is a sacred union to heal, make whole, free, awaken, and bring each to oneness with the Source of Life. Marriage brings up everything that is not love so it can heal, and we can be free, intimate, and joyful. The problem is not the marriage relationsh­ip, or the wrong spouse. The problem lies in each human being as we either resist change, or grow and expand into the vast, spiritual, multidimen­sional beings we truly are. Marriage is the holy road to the unconsciou­s. Marriage triggers everything unlike love in our growth towards wholeness. The purpose of marriage is rebirth into our true loving selves. It requires a death of the old. New life is the result of walking through the fire of transforma­tion in the crucible of sacred, committed, marital love.

www.newhea­venonearth­.wordpress­.com"

You're a fiiirework...

I like Katy Perry.

I am in a weird mood this morning. It feels like my acid trip ended a couple of hours ago and I'm in the limbo state between coming back to reality and passing out. Maybe that's a better description for my "absent fogness". I'm at work, but it doesn't feel like I'm really sitting here. This is the last place I want to be. I, like most people, would prefer never to have to work again. I might have kids just so I can be a stay at home mom. Isn't that nice? It's like being a teacher solely for summer vacations.

I know somewhere inside I'm really going to like this job. My position requires drive, initiative, creativity, and smarts. I have those things, so I don't get why I'm not off and running yet. I guess I'm just exhausted from this year. I could really, REALLY use a vacation. A week where I don't have to work, don't have doctor appointments, don't think about MDLL, and can drink/eat anything I want. You know, have my old life back.

MDLL. I barely slept Friday night. Every time I woke up I thought about him. Saturday I was an exhausted and cry-y waste. I went to Bacon's for a bit to relax and mourn, then went to my parents' house. My cousin's 4th of July party was Sunday, so I figured it would be good to head down to NJ early. I really needed to get out of Astoria.

The family party was okay. I felt like a whiny hypochondriac broken record recounting my health woes of this year. All I wanted to do was talk about and cry over MDLL. Yesterday Juniper and I went to a BBQ at a local pub. I was okay for the most part, but I did cry a couple of times. Remind me not to break up with someone when I'm PMSing.

What am I crying about? One, I wish he would fight for me. I wish he would show up at my door with flowers and say, "I need you. Let's make this work." Two, I'm feeling guilty and worried. He already went through one major split last year, now he has to deal with our mini-one. I don't want to hurt him any more than he already is...then again I'm not even sure he is hurting. I really just want to take care of him and make sure he feels loved, secure, and safe. Me? I'll be fine. I'm sad and I'll miss him, but I'll survive. I know single well.

So there's my weekend. It was what it was. I didn't feel up to heading over to the west side to see the Macy's fireworks on the Hudson (bastards!) again this year. I was pleasantly surprised to find I could see a lot of it from my roof, though!! Half of the flower bursts were obstructed, but I didn't mind. It was actually pretty cool to watch them against the skyline. There were plenty of illegal ones set off in the neighborhood, too.

Blah. Work. You can tell I'm getting a lot done right now, huh? What the fuck is my problem? I know about seven people who lost their jobs in the past two weeks. Why doesn't this make me feel grateful to have one? Why doesn't it scare the shit out of me and pump up my old super work ethic? Man, I am not myself this year. All I want to do is sleep. Hopefully it will get better once the Zoloft kicks in.

One plus this morning, I saw three cute redheads today. Three!! I felt like I was walking down The Gingerbrick Road.

A redhead a day keeps the depression away...

Good Bad Good Bad Bood Gad

Yesterday ended up being a great work day. I felt awesome and got a TON done. Yay for focusing and being a good employee!!

By the time I got home I felt pretty crappy again. It wasn't as bad as Wednesday, but it wasn't good either. My hips and legs were killing me and the absent fog was back. I really don't have any other way to describe it other than I'm here, but not here.

I still made it out to see the fireworks at Astoria Park, though. I LOVE FIREWORKS!! They made me happy. Seeing MDLL made me sad. I knew it might be one of the last nights I'd see him for a while, then he showed up smashed. It was weird.

Today I woke up with a little nausea and pains. I forced myself to cook eggs because I knew if I didn't use my stove immediately after the gas leak I wouldn't use it for months. I felt better after I ate, then out of it again. It's so annoying.

Continuing the up and downness of it all I felt pretty good this afternoon. I saw Super 8 with Juniper and Bacon. It was Super GR8!! (I must be the millionth person to make that comment!) We went to the bar for a bit and after a glass and a half of seltzer water my stomach started acting up again. Really? Seltzer? I can't win!!

I came home and made the dreaded phone call. I broke up with MDLL for real. After all of this time he finally told me everything I wanted to hear: he cares about me, I'm very special to him, and he thinks of me as his girlfriend. I cried. A lot. IT SUCKED SUCKS IS SUCKING. I love him. I really, really do. I just don't think we should be together right now. I hate feeling this way, but I can't ignore it.

I'm in duality, per usual. Fuckin' Pisces. On the one hand, we both need to sort out some shit before we can move forward. On the other, I'm afraid I'm throwing away my taco lobster. If MDLL was more vocal about his feelings and made a bit more effort, we would have been perfect. I don't know if that means he's not my taco lobster or what. I guess only time will tell.

So there ya have it. Good, bad, good, bad.

Huh. Now that I wrote that, maybe the idea of good and bad days is stupid. It's all just lifing, right?