"Good, you're alive. Now I can kill you!!'

Growing up I never knew what qualified as normal mother behavior. **DELETED**

I started to write a whole bunch of bad shit, but I caught myself. I realized I was only doing it because my mom pissed me off tonight. See?? I'm maturing!

Okay, she didn't piss me off, she's just being a mom. A good mom. More importantly, a SANE mom.

I just got back from my GI doctor. This was the follow up visit to my colonoscopy and endoscope.

Awesome news: no cancer, no Crohn's, no ulcers, nothing bad.

Funny news: I said to the doctor, "So I really am just that gassy??" He laughed and said, "I'm afraid so."

Okay news: I have irritable bowel syndrome aka "the common-ass-cold." You can't really cure it, just prevent it. No more beer, no more chili, I think olives may be next. If pizza goes...kill me.

My mom came up to Queens to be with me for both procedures. It was really nice to have her here, especially for the colonoscopy. I won't go into the poopie details (I really am maturing!), but for the most part the prep was fine. I had an awful night though. Long story short I woke up drippping with sweat yet freezing, pale as a ghost (my freckles were gone), nauseous, and doubled over with stomach pain. I have never been that sick or scared in my life! I'm so SO grateful my mom was there.

Anyways, after the colonscopy my doctor went right up to my mom to tell her I didn't have cancer. After the endoscope, he didn't say anything except make a follow-up appointment so we can talk. I was pretty out of it from the anesthesia, so I didn't think much of it. I was just annoyed I'd have to fork out another co-pay.

My mom, on the other hand, totally freaked out. I called her tonight after the follow-up visit and told her the good news. Then she let loose. It turns out she has been so worried for the past two weeks, all because the doctor didn't come right out and say I didn't have cancer after the endoscope like he did after the colonoscopy. She said how stressed out she's been, how she hasn't been sleeping, all she does is eat, how she thought she should come up here again, etc. I HAD ZERO CLUE!

I apologized for making her worried, but she shrugged it off. She said she's my mother and she will always worry. She went on and on about how happy she is, how much she loves me, and how proud she is that I'm taking care of myself.

After a good 30 minutes of gushing, she snapped out of it. In true mother-form, she went right onto the next thing to worry over. Without missing a beat she said, "I'm so glad you're healthy. NOW GO GET A FUCKING JOB."

Sigh. It reminds me of when I'd come home past curfew. "I'm so glad you weren't in a car crash or murdered, but now I'll yell and scream at you for making me worry."

She's right, of course. Which will always piss me off.