Holy Fuck My Butt

I'm at work, writing. Not working. I got home around 2am last night and can't be bothered. I'm getting antsy about it though. It's so quiet here. A little too quiet. A little too Raph. Luckily I'm leaving at 3pm for a doctor's appointment. Gynogirl's Vulvacabulary. My greatest work.

I guess I'm thinking in short sentences. I should just start a Twitter account, but since I don't have the interweb on my phone it seems pointless. I'd like to be able to twat as often as possible. Now I post-it. If I think of a funny phrase I jot it down. Like Holy Fuck My Butt. I said this yesterday and I don't recall why. Today's funny had me crying. Bella and I were making dinner plans and what I meant to say was, "Let's do it later in the month." but it came out as "Let's do it after the teens." Jager shots after midnight work wonders for the talking skillz.

Speaking of z's, Canz in Astoria is annoying because it should be awesome and it's not. The end. Crazy Ass however (my made up nickname for my new favorite bar) is the shitz. I don't know why I feel the need to give it a nickname rather than a real shoutout, but I do. I've decided to trust my gut more. Wishy washy Thighs gets into trouble. Like this past weekend. I had plans to visit Spags up in CT and asked if we could reschedule because it wasn't good timing. She's uber upset about it. I feel really bad. Earlier last week I had a weird feeling about the trip and if I would have just listened to my gut the badness might have been avoided.

Another gut feeling, I just found out my cousin's annual 4th of July party in NJ was cancelled. Now I can do whatever I want this weekend, but something is telling me to be planless. I don't know why. Maybe my commitmentphobia is back? Maybe I'm going to die? Maybe I'm going to sleep? Who knows?? The only thing I'm definitely doing is going to the west side to watch the fireworks over the Hudson. Stupid Hudson. If the show was on the East River LIKE IT SHOULD BE, I could watch from my roof.

Boys update. I'm "breaking up" with Mr. J. We hung out a couple of weeks ago and I saw him last night for a few minutes. He really is a nice guy and totally into me (I rarely have the confidence to say that, but with him I'm sure), it's just that I'm not totally into him. I was forcing it only because I thought it was cool we ran into each other. Same with Mick. We've hooked up a few times the past month or so (maybe longer), but I don't know what I'm doing. I like him, I don't, I really like him, I don't. It's the stupidest fucking dance ever. I can't figure out why this is so hard! Fucking pandas. This is the reason I went back on OKC. I want love motherfuckers! Ha, I should make that my profile tagline. Ha, I don't think I've ever written "ha" in a post before.

The only thing worse than Bud Light is free Bud Light because then I'm forced to drink it. - Thighs McGee, 06/18/10

55 minutes to doctor. Man, I'm useless. At least I got to see Chewie last night. He's my male bestie if you didn't know. Brother from another mother. Gay. He's not gay, "brother from another mother" is gay.

Ugh...hangover is getting worse now that I ate crappy pizza. The joke is I just said how I've never had a bad slice in NY. Oh the irony. EYERONEE. That looks like EVERYONE.

Last week I hit up two Mets games. Wait what did I do last week? Monday, dinner. Tuesday/Thursday Mets games. Friday, Rolo's going away party. SAD. She moved to Boston...waahhh! (If you are reading I MISS YOU!). Saturday, OH MY GOSH, the awesomest bridal shower I've ever been to. It was a surf and turf (this phrase will never catch on). Sunday, Crazy Ass with Bakes. I love being a regular at a bar. It makes me feel cool.

I drink too much. Actually no I don't. I only drink twice a week. Wait that's a lie. I drink Friday and Saturday nights. Sometimes Sundays. Rarely during the week. Why am I still lying?

I haven't run since the race. I freakin' miss it!! I'm so fucking moody lately and I know it's because I haven't worked out. I'm hoping to run this weekend. There, that's a plan! Fireworks and running sounds poifect.

I'm going home to change my bra, wash my crotch, and take a dump. - Thighs McGee, 06/20/10

CJ just came in and handed me a card with a picture of a big-lipped robot. His name is Motor Mouth and "his head's like a bucket, full of metal, wires & computer chips. But his appearance isn't complete without a set of wacko lips!" This is the greatest day of my life.

Shit, I do drink too much. I just remembered I'm going over to Crazy Ass again tonight, which is ridiculous because I've mentioned it three times in this post. Maybe I won't drink. It could happen.

34 minutes. I need a new job. No word from Melba. It's been two weeks since I applied. Look I even gave it a nickname, I should totally work there! I haven't loved my job since Company. I haven't thought very hard since January. I need a change. Updated plans for this weekend: fireworks, running, job search. Oh and batting cages. I love batting cages. Oh and pool! I want to start playing more. Oh and Toy Story 3! I forgot I'm going on Friday. Maybe I'll rent the first two. Netflix has a long wait on them though.

Oh oh oh!! I haven't written about Ken Burns' Baseball documentary series yet. I LOVED it. Another thing to do this weekend. Gosh, now I'm tired.

Facebook told me the Verizon iPhone will be available in January. Yay! Guess I'm hanging onto My Boy Blue another few months. If the poor thing doesn't kick soon...

Two words: greek yogurt. Amazing. Yoplait can go fuck itself. Dannon, well I still like the fruit on the bottom and how it rhymes with my name. It ain't yogurt, though. Fage rules.

17 minutes. Hmmm...my appointment's not until 3:40pm so I could potentially walk the 50 blocks to Soho. Or take the subway to 14th and walk from there to save time. Maybe I'll walk home. I wish I had my sneakers with me. And my camera. Good-bye V train!! I will miss your emptiness.

My stomach just made a loud noise that sounded like pull-starting a lawnmower. Maybe I should go to the bathroom.

Going.

Yay OkCupid!

I decided to try online dating again and within 10 minutes of me updating my profile I get an IM from this shitfucker. Apparently OKC still has douchebags and crappy instant messaging.

Douche: hey
Douche: how are you?
Douche: hello?
Me: Hello
Douche: looking for serious or casual?>
Me: Serious
Douche: looking for serious or casual?
Douche: hello?
Me: Serious
Douche: you very sexual?
Me: No. Completely frigid.
Douche: cup size?
Me: F for Fuck Off.
Douche: cup size?
Douche: hello?
Me: F
Me: For FUCK OFF>
Douche: cup size?

Hee hee!

This still makes me giggle:

Change

There is change in the air today! I can feel it! Good vibes, good vibes...

Yeah, Payday!

Well I made it to payday. Fun money is back!! To congratulate myself for making it two whole weeks of coming directly home after work every night, I treated myself to something special. I immediately went out and bought a brand new flat screen tv!! It is AMAZEBALLS and it only cost $950!!!

It's so fucking cool!

And I'm so fucking lying! I did not buy a television, but I did spend $9 at Caravan Chicken to get the ribs, rice, and beans platter. I'm feeling a little guilty about it, so I figured if I put my "splurge" into perspective I'd leave myself alone.

It worked. I even have leftovers for tomorrow, so there. $4.50. Ass.

Nerdorable

I'm back on my never-having-kids phase, which this time around doesn't feel like much of a phase and may actually be the final decision. I almost asked my mom if I should get my tubes tied, but then realized it would probably upset her. Sorry Peter and Jack, maybe I'll change my mind again before it's too late.

Anyhoo, regardless if I have kids or not, this is fucking adorable. And I don't even like Star Trek either!

I applied! I applied!

Crikey!! I nervous!! Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed.

IT WAS AWESOME!

I DID IT!! The 10K was so awesome!! I am so proud of myself!!

I don't know how the fuck it happened, but I pretty much jogged the whole time. My goal was to do finish in 90 minutes and I beat it!! 78 minutes baby!


The first mile was pretty rough. That's when the humidity got me. Mother Nature obviously did not read my letter, but I must say the heat was manageable once I got into the park. The race started at 61st and Central Park West, into the park at 90th, went up to 110, and then down the east side to 67th. I'm pretty sure I hit mile 3 at 40 minutes so i was pretty consistent pacer. Miles 3-4 were the hardest though, lots of ups and downs, so I walked most of that one. But my word, when I got to mile 5 I just took off! I don't know where the hell the energy came from, but I ran the last 1.2 miles straight. There's something about seeing 800 meters, 400 meters, 200 meters that made me want to end strong. Rocks and Bakes were waiting for me at the finish line. I was so happy to see them!

Oy, I feel like I'm just throwing words up. I had such a healthy morning and then we went out drinking to celebrate. Yada, yada, yada...I woke up on my bathroom floor. Yikes.

I RAN A 10K!! WOO HOO!!

Positively Positive

I’m writing this at work. It’s so quiet here on Summer Fridays that I thought it would be a good day for stream of consciousness writing. Some of my favorite posts are written this way. Here we go!

I opened up some spreadsheets in case my bosses come by because of course they are on the same summer schedule as I am. Heh, summer schedule. What is summer anyways? Obviously it’s not June through September anymore because it’s been 85 since April. Or at least it feels that way. Heh, April. April feels like a lifetime ago. What is happening with time? Does anyone else feel like time is slipping away? Is it slipping away or is it coming together? I can’t tell the difference. Maybe that’s just it, there is no difference. Things that happened a month ago no longer matter, yet moments from my past are remembered in my heart like it’s happening again this very instance. Does time exist anywhere but TV and Outlook? My dream life would be one without time, where I can spend my days and nights not thinking about whether it’s day or night. The only “time” I would need to look at a clock is when I’m meeting friends because chances are we won’t all have the lifestyle to give up time altogether. The concept of time has been a big interest of mine lately probably because I’m shifting my attitude towards it. In this video, there is an excerpt on Professor Philip Zimbardo’s presentation about our individual perspective on time. Present Hedonists are people like me, instant gratificationers who never grew up. (On the subway today I thought of the perfect line to sum up my twenties, “If I could drink it, fuck it, or buy it, I did.”) Lately my attitude towards life and time is shifting. To what I don’t know. I wouldn’t say I’m a Future or a Past, maybe I’m all three now. I haven’t watched the full version of the presentation yet, but I will. I have a lot of ideas about time floating around in me that I don’t quite know how to verbalize. “Use your words.” Someone said this to me the other day and I felt it was a little condescending at first. Later on I realized while I love to write and find it easy to do so about most of my feelings, I am not very eloquent. My vocabulary sucks (which is why I make up words most the time) and I’m sure my grammar is subpar. I find myself trying to “use my words” more often now, so I am thankful rather than annoyed this person said it. I’m sure a word already exists for this idea, but I’m trying to time-mind jump. It’s a hobby. For example, if I make a left on Broadway down 35th Street I’ll try to time-mind jump a block away to 31st Avenue. I’ll picture the sign and the traffic light like if I’m already at the corner, despite the fact that it’s obvious my body is still walking down the street. It’s sort of like being in a zone, where “time” just flies by. Poof, I’m there. Does it work? I don’t know. I want it to, though. I mean, why not right? If time is a straight line, why not jump it? It feels like time is jumping on its own anyways (is it really 2010?), so maybe consciously jumping it will make life a much more enjoyable experience.

You may have noticed my posts are much more positive. Negativity is all I knew my whole life. I was raised on it, thrived on it, and brought much of it onto myself. Something changed in me after I got back from California. I decided I want to be positive. I want peace. Some things I changed:

1. I no longer need to kill myself at a job that won’t matter one day. An obvious one considering I’m writing and not working!!

2. I don’t have to spend ridiculous amounts of energy hating or avoiding my boss when frankly, he won’t matter one day either. Work has been so pleasant ever since I let the wall down. He’s said some mean shit to me, but who cares. Chances are it wasn’t even about me, so why should I hold onto it any longer?

3. An ex-boyfriend of mine who I’ve never written about on Thighs (I rarely share details about guys I actually date to be discreet) recently got engaged. There are four things I’ve done in my life that I really regret and two break-ups are included, which is why I tried my best to break-up with Tat in a respectful and healthy way. I believe I succeeded. Anyhoo, when I heard this ex is getting married I wrote him an email congratulating him. He wrote me back a very nice email saying thanks and that he appreciates the well wishes. I have never, ever used the word “absolved” to describe how I feel but in that moment I did. It was incredible. I didn’t realize how much guilt I was still holding onto until I read his email. He moved on, he found love, and I didn’t ruin him. I was free.

4. Feeling absolved felt so good that I decided to keep it going. Back in December I had a fight with a friend that cost us our friendship. While I still don’t think I did anything wrong or deserved to be treated the way I was, I apologized for disappointing her. We were friends for a long time and I let her down, end of story. There’s no reason to hold a grudge or waste any more of my energy being upset about it. I don’t think we’ll ever be as close as we were, but she meant a lot to me once and that’s all that matters.

5. There are a couple of other people that I feel negatively about that I need to let go of, Banana being one of them. I occasionally think about him, but this past week he has been on my mind a lot. Grape’s husband’s new Facebook profile picture is with Banana, and the minute I saw him all of the feelings came flooding back. This is one of the main reason’s I’ve been thinking about time. We all have emotional memory, but I feel like that’s ALL my memory nowadays. I doubt I’ll confront him about it, because really, what am I going to say? I thought you were The One and you fucked me over? I’ll need to let this one go on my own. Grape is another story though. I wouldn’t mind talking to her about it now that we’re friends again. We shall see. I just looked for a real banana in my drawer forgetting I already ate it.

I’m applying to a job at a sports organization. I figured if I landed my dream job at Company, why don’t I try working for other companies I’m excited about? I put it off for like three weeks, but I’m sending my application tonight if it kills me!!

10K is tomorrow! I can’t friggin believe it. Where does the “time” go?? I’m going to time-mind jump the whole thing by the way.

Enough for now.

I love the rain!

I'm glad it's raining. The End.

D2

I used to hate minty chocolate food like mint chocolate chip ice cream, Girl Scout Thin Mints (Girl Scout cookies in general), etc.  Now I find myself seriously addicted to Peppermint Patties.  The stupid snack machine got me again!! 

When I first started at Minnow I probably had a Snickers bar three times a week for a good six months.  This is when I was actually losing weight!  The Snickers craving stopped and I jumped on over to Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  That's probably around the time I started gaining it back.  (Snickers really do satisfy.)  I still get Pirate's Booty on a regular basis, but this is more a side dish to my turkey and avocado sandwich or Lean Cuisine/Weight Watcher frozen meal than a snack.

I have no recollection of the day I said, "Man, I could go for a Peppermint Pattie right now." Have you ever heard anyone actually say that?  Oooo....wait a second!  Let me check Mr. Budget real quick.  Yes, I even log $0.75 purchases...

The first accurate Peppermint Pattie chow down was April 28th, accurate because sometimes I'll write "snack machine" instead of the specific item.  I've hit ol' D2 eleven times since then.  I'm averaging 2 a week.  Okay, not quite addiction status yet.  When I start craving them on the weekend, I'm done for.

Despite not being a fan of them up until now, I fondly remember this one commercial from when I was kid (yet I can't remember the what I wore yesterday):

**UPDATE - This post was originally named "E7" because I could have sworn that was the button. It's really "D2" which is sad because a) I have zero braincells if I've forgotten this even though I hit the damn thing 12 times (bought another yesterday) and b) my nerd-self did not immediately associate R2D2 with the button, especially since the damn wrapper is silver and blue. I = burnt.

8 days to 10K

I jogged/walked the 6 mile loop in Central Park this morning.  Mostly walked.  The heat is way too much for me.   My mutant skin doesn't react very well to it.  Besides turning rurple (red-purple) my face feels uncomfortable.  How do I explain this?  Pull your face skin back and tight like if you got botox and a lift.  Have someone cake on hot oatmeal.  Let oatmeal firm, but not cool down.  Yeah, that's what it feels like.  Good thing it will be 40 degrees out next Saturday...

Signing up for this 10K was very random and slightly stupid, but I must say it's changed me for the better:   

1.  Obviously I'm working out.  It's been a long time since I was active.  Nothing beats a good sweat.  This is probably why I've been so positive lately.  Exercise helps keep my mood swings in check.

2.  I'm back to being a morning person.  I've been one my whole life, up until I started stressing at Company.  All I wanted to do then was stay in bed.   The past couple of days I was out of the house by 7am.  Today I didn't leave until 10am and I felt like I was late!

Waking up early means I go to bed earlier, too.  Wednesday night I went to sleep at 9pm.  It was glorious!

3.  I'm no longer self-conscious about running in my neighborhood.  I know, me? Self-conscious?  I am plenty.  The interesting thing about it is I only seem to care what people think when it's a positive thing I'm doing, ie working out, learning something new, dancing.  Too bad my paranoia doesn't kick in when I drink until I puke, make out with six guys in one night, or tell people to fuck off instead.

So there ya have it.  Even if I don't run the whole race, I'm very happy I signed up for it.  Never in a million years did I think I'd run for a good time.

Little Date Arrows Right Above This Title

See how the arrows on the post date are all smushed together?  

Why is Maczine telling me "smushed" is spelled wrong?  Is that not a word?

smush  [smoosh]
to mash or push, esp. to push down or in; compress: to smush a pie in someone's face

Or is it smooshed? Nope, I got the red line under that too.

Anyways, I don't know why the arrows are smushed, but they are. My anal-self, Shanal, is annoyed by this. I've noticed it on other blogs with the same template, so I guess there's a script issue.

I wish they would fix it. I shall write them a letter!

Heh. Pie.

Vital Juice

Vital Juice is a fun health website with information on fitness, nutrition, beauty, etc. They email me a daily newsletter with the latest workout tips, online discounts, or new health/wellness store and events in the NY area.

For example, there is a new shop in Chelsea that "offers sweet-smelling kitchen, bath and cleaning products." The article says the owner has a love of french aromas and decor, so one of VJ's editors thought it would be cute to mention this in the subject line of the email:

Vital Juice NY - What Does Paris Smell Like?

You know what I thought of when I read this? Paris Hilton. Not France. Hilton. You know what I think she smells like? Money, bleach, self-tanner, and dirty sea urchins.

When the hell did this happen? When did Hilton replace France? Is that what went on here or do I automatically think when someone asks "What does X smell like?" they mean naughty bits?

It's with this simple email that I realize I truly am uncultured and uncouth. I'm okay with this. For now anyways.

Gun pics!

They are essentially the same exact pictures with different killing machines...

Revolver:

AK47:

Shotgun: