Here's how much time and money I spend at Crazy Ass:
And remember, I haven't really been drinking the past few weeks. I probably won't be there as much now that MD and I are through. Still no official discussion about a break-up, although he did finally call me last night. I texted him a short, breezy, no-response-required-response this morning. I really have nothing to say at this point. I'm done.
I'm sure I'll easily find another place to blow $300 a month.
Friday night I got some tacos and a beer with Jarv.
Saturday I went to the gym, cooked some eggs (by myself!), watched Modern Family, went to Swaft for a burger and drink with Jarv, came home, watched more Modern Family, then The Social Network.
Sunday Juniper and I went to the Whitney Museum for the Edward Hopper exhibit then off to Luke's Lobster for dinner (the lobster rolls are divine).
Yesterday I cooked some eggs (by myself!), exercised at home, did my taxes ($1K coming my way!), went to Crazy Ass with Bakes and Jarv, then did laundry.
In between all of those things I slept and meditated. It was the perfect relaxing weekend.
I will admit I was pretty sad about MD at times. I had some good soul-cleansing laugh-cries, so I'm well on my way to being over him. Today was the first day I got angry about him, though. I'm not sure if this is a setback or not. I'D LIKE TO BASH HIS FACE IN. Thoughts?
Another setback - I feel stupid. I should have known better, but I followed my heart and went for it anyways. Oh well. The six months I wasted on him is nothing in the grand scheme of things. At least it's over. Well to clarify, it's not technically over, but we haven't spoken since Wednesday. I don't want to call him, I know he won't call me, and OH YEAH, we were never really together so there's nothing to end!! JERKSTORES FTW!!
Here are some one-liner emails I'd like to send him:
"I am no longer interested in your services."
"Please remove my phone number from your list of contacts."
"I'd greatly appreciate if you ignore me at Crazy Ass for the rest of eternity."
"I beat your Photo Hunt score under the name FUCK YOU."
ARGH. Now I'm all red again. I need another relaxing weekend stat!
I'm taking this MD thing one day at a time. Today I feel okay about my decision! Sure I cried a couple of times, but that's not a bad thing. I needed it.
Work was fun this week. I was made the point person for user validation issues, which means I have to help them resolve any differences they find between the old and new system data. Most of the time it's because the person didn't read the documentation correctly, but every once in a while something new and nerd-interesting comes up.
For example, a record in the new system had the date 1/1/1900 and the same record from the old system in the Excel spreadsheet they were comparing it to had 1/2/1900. When I checked the old system source table in Access the record read 1/1/1900. I thought, well maybe it's a copy and paste issue. I was right! If you copy 1/1/1900 from an Access table it will read 1/2/1900 when you paste it into Excel. A Google search said this is a known Excel bug that has to do with Lotus 123 and 2/28/1904 being a leap year. All dates prior to 2/28/1904 are off by one in Excel and Access.
Now I thought that was the answer, but then I just checked this theory in Excel and actually I don't think that's the full reason. If you turn dates into a General format a number pops up (ex: 2/18/11 = 39130). Nerd-interesting, you know what date number 1 is? 1/1/1904. It has to be related to the copy and paste issue, right? I don't have Access on my Mac, so I can't keep digging...
See what happens when I don't drink on Friday nights?
A new guy named Zebra started this week. I like him! When I first met him on Tuesday I got a bit nervous because he has a legal accounting background and I don't. I later realized that I will learn a ton from him and who knows, maybe some healthy competition will be good for me. Now I hope he becomes my new work husband!
I think going to the client office every day is going to be good for me. I like meeting new people, the commute is super fast, and it's way too easy to get sucked into myself (heh) at home.
Oh by the way, today I decided a vagina is an inbox and an ass is an outbox.
I wasn't feeling well this week again. I was getting super lightheaded whenever I walked around. Yesterday was really bad - I had to stop twice to get my bearings while walking during lunch, then I practically had to coach myself out of the office and onto the subway to go home. I know my doctors think it's stress/depression and maybe they're right, but that's not fair. Something's off. While I might be overweight I am not obese or deathly unfit. I walk all of the time, I climb my four flights and subway stairs with no problem. Having to stop after a 15 minute walk is wrong. It fucking sucks that they won't take me seriously.
Yes, I have to admit that the MD stress is bothering me, but really? Come on! This lightheaded thing has been going on for a fucking year now. Did I already say it's not fair???
This morning was hard, but I'm feeling okay now. The more it happens, the less I panic, so that helps. Not that I want this to be a regular occurrence, but not freaking out is making it easier to deal with. Same thing with my food intolerance. Today I might have pushed it a little much with the bread/sugar. I ate a Clif protein bar, lots of fruit, half a turkey sandwich with the bread, two chicken tacos with the tortillas, and half a Guinness. I couldn't finish my beer because I hit the wall. It's sort of like being bloated on the inside, if that makes any sense.
I was a little worried that I'll be all fucked up tomorrow, but I shut that down. The intolerance only started this year, so it's going to take some time to figure out how much I can handle. It's not like I downed a bag of chips or pretzels, which interestingly enough I keep having dreams that I do and then spit them all out. Obviously this is on my mind.
My relationship with food is changing so much. I was always a big eater. A loaded eater. Whether it's salad or cereal or a burger, I love lots of stuff on it. Now I have to really think about what I'm eating and plan. It's a good thing.
Speaking of plans, I don't have many this weekend and I'm super excited about it. Juniper and I might check out a museum and Jarv and I might go to brunch. Other than that I plan on watching my Netflix (Modern Family is so good!), hitting the gym (whether I feel up to it or not), doing my taxes, and being nice to myself. The only person I've thought about this past month was MD. That's it. Sure I'm a self-involved blogger, but I seriously have not put myself first in weeks. This weekend I plan to do just that.
Happy thoughts!
MD's not even a ginger. What the fuck am I wasting my time for??
Side note - I was walking to the subway yesterday and this guy in front of me had GORGEOUS long red hair. Now I hate guys with long hair, probably because I can't grow any, but his was acceptable.
I said, "Excuse me sir. Your hair is awesome." He chuckled, we chatted for a second, said good night, and then had that awkward moment of walking at the same pace in silence. Luckily he was smart enough to jaywalk across the street to get away from me.
It was funny. GINGERVITIS.
Last night my friend Sy was guest bartending at Crazy Ass. I didn't want to go because I was still so disappointed with MD. I know it's a shame that I let his lack of Valentine get to me so much, but I can't help it. I deserve to be with someone who wants me to be their sweetheart.
It felt different when MD came in. I tried to act normal, but I could feel the wall up. I wanted to just get through the night without any drama, talks, or tears.
WELL. It would have been fine if it wasn't for my "friend" Wheat. Wheat is a regular. We hit it off as soon as we met a few months ago and had what I thought was a nice connection. Our conversations were real and honest, not just fluffy bar talk. I was attracted to him in the "Aw Wheat!" way, but I didn't want to be more than friends. Unfortunately we ended up kissing on New Year's Eve. MD wasn't there, I was drunk and lonely, it was New Year's, and I really did like Wheat. I just didn't want to date him.
I didn't think this would ever be an issue. We talked about it since and there was no indication that he had any ill will toward me about it. He even gave me advice about MD a couple of weeks ago saying that I shouldn't get hung up on labeling our relationship if we both care about each other. I thought that was nice.
WELL. For whatever reason, last night Wheat decides to announce that he and I made out. MD was like "WAIT. WHAT?!?" I have never seen or heard MD react that fast to anything. You would think if Wheat was my friend he would have done damage control realizing that MD was obviously upset, but NOOOOOO, he goes, "Oh what you guys never discussed this? It was in a locked bathroom and everything. Uh oh did I make things awkward?" IT WAS SO FUCKING MEAN!
Now yes, maybe I shouldn't have been a tongueslut at "our" bar, but this was when I thought MD and I were through. And yes, maybe I should have told MD just in case, but seriously IT WAS NOTHING. I never, ever thought this would come up, especially not like this. Fucking Wheat. I can't believe him!
The night was already awkward for me with the whole Valentine's Day crap. Throw this on top and the night was flat out ruined. I'm so sick of this story that I won't go into the details of what happened, but basically it was me apologizing and MD saying he doesn't care. He was hurt and was trying to hurt me back. He succeeded. I feel ridiculously guilty too, but what the fuck? HE'S the one who didn't want a commitment!
On my way to the bar last night I had pretty much decided I was done with MD. I am not in love with him, I am in love with the guy I want him to be. I want him to be this pensive soul-searcher who has such deep feelings he can't find the words to express them. His muteness is his burden and gift.
Fuck that. I've put up with this way too fucking long. While last night wasn't ideal, it was still an opportunity for him to say how he felt about me. Or you know, VALENTINE'S DAY was. He didn't and you know why? Because nothing's changed since we last spoke about it in the beginning of December. He doesn't want to be with me.
I finally don't want to be with him anymore, either. I'm done. I seriously do not think there is anything he could possibly say to change my mind right now. If he ever fucking spoke!
BLERG!
I finally feel like myself again. The last three weeks sucked. I still don't know what the hell was wrong, but I don't care. I'm better now. Today is the first day my head, neck, elbow, stomach, brain, mind, and soul feel good. THANKS, TODAY!
I lowered my thyroid meds on Sunday and I know it's too soon to really feel a difference, but I believe I do. It's probably more mental than physiological, but whatever. Mental's what I do best.
I really wanted to go to the gym this morning, but I ended up having to rush into the office for a training session. It was the first time I actually felt comfortable with the idea that I could stay home if I wanted to and it sort of bit me in the ass. Oops. I'll be going in to the office everyday now for a while. I don't mind (considering that's what I'm used to), I just really need to start bringing my lunch. The one deli by the office charges $10 for a salad!
Speaking of food, I added a bit of bread and carbs back into my diet. Oatmeal and potatoes are fine. I had two Guinness the other night and felt okay. I ate a wrap for lunch today and yesterday. All good. I'm still not ready to eat a sandwich or pasta yet, though. I don't care what the doctors said. Something's up with me and too much sugar...
HOLY CRAP! I forgot to write about this...I USED MY OVEN ALL BY MYSELF THIS WEEKEND! I made MD brownies. I was clammy and nervous the whole 27 minutes they baked, but I did it! YAY! Next up, a big meal for myself so that I can enjoy leftovers all next week. I will be the next Iron Chef.
Tonight I treated myself to a haircut and highlights. I spent way too much, but considering I haven't gotten my hair professionally colored or bleached in at least two years I figured I was due. Plus I really needed a change. I like how it came out. I'd take a picture, but I'm all red for some reason. It's a lighter bob with bangs. I had the same hairstyle when I was 2. I feel younger.
The Gentleman wanted to hang out tonight before he goes out of town again for the weekend. I said I was busy. I feel bad, but I didn't want to lead him on. I'll talk to him when he gets back. The truth is even if I wasn't seeing MD again, I don't think The G-man and I are a good fit. I really do think he's a great person, though.
There's a guy at work I find interesting. I'm sort of attracted to him. He's cute, wears nice fitting clothes (I had no idea this meant something to me), and really seems to know his shit. The clothes thing made me wonder if he's gay, but I'm pretty sure he was checking out my rack yesterday. I'm surprised I'm even writing about him. Let's call him Rem.
Why AM I writing about him? I don't know...I want to be with MD, but I'm afraid to talk to him about how I feel. How sad is that? Me, the biggest loudest oversharingest emotionalest obnoxitard is too shy and scared to talk to my fake boyfriend about the chances of him becoming my real boyfriend one day. I'm not good at dating, am I? Blerg.
I'm trying to not think about last year since things have been different between us the past month, but I feel like I felt at the end of November. I'm not sure I can hold in my feelings much longer. We're hanging out tomorrow night, so I'll see how it goes. Wish me luck. NO SHOTS.
I like Valentine's Day.
Unfortunately the only time I ever had a boyfriend for it was Psycho Joe back when I was 19. I'm pretty sure we got a hotel room since we were both living at home. I'm pretty sure I bought some lingerie. I'm also pretty sure that if I'm writing "pretty sure" that it was not memorable and doesn't really count.
PJ and I broke up in January and made a half-assed attempt at a reconciliation through February, but we weren't really together. I'm pretty sure we went to Red Lobster and I am absolutely sure he bought me Box of Pearls: The Janis Joplin Collection because I love that box set. That was eleven years ago. Balls.
MD and I went out to dinner the other night. I had a really great time (YAY!), but we still haven't had The Talk yet. Well, we haven't had it since the beginning of December after my Thanksgiving Meltdown. While a lot of things have changed since then, I am afraid to find out his mind hasn't.
We texted a bit earlier. I asked him to hang out tonight, but he had to work late. I don't know what's worse, not having anyone to like on Valentine's Day or not being able to be with the person I like on Valentine's Day. It would have been so eassssyyy for him to blow my mind today, but he didn't.
Look I know it's just a day and if MD proposed to me tomorrow it wouldn't matter, it's just that for whatever reason I am a 33 year old spinster who has gotten her heart broken a zillion times yet SOMEHOW still likes Valentine's Day. I'd really like to share it with someone for once and this year I wanted it to be him.
Oh well. At least it's not as upsetting as the shit with Banana last year. I wouldn't have minded riding a mechanical bull again, though! Shit, did I ever even write about that? Me and some of the girls went on an Anti-Valentine's Day pub crawl that started at Cheap Shots (actual name of bar) and ended at Mason Dixon (ditto) for some bull riding. I made a map and everything!
It was the best Valentine's Day I ever had. Remind me to drink next year.
or may not have hurt my elbow in the shower by slamming it into the tile ledge as I was pretending to punch an imaginary girl at an imaginary bar who was messing with an imaginary MD.
Did it really happen?
You decide.
I don't buy the depression diagnosis. I'm an emotional worrywart who drinks too much, exercises too little, obsesses over things out of my control, and waits too long to change the things I can. I will admit I have been pretty down the past couple of weeks because I don't feel well, but I do not believe it's depression. So fuck you, doc. Would you be so quick to say it was depression if I was a dude?
I definitely could use some help with stress management, so I will be going back to therapy. I have a good life, there's no reason I should be this anxious and uncomfortable.
I got an email from The Gentleman on Wednesday. He was really sick and is now travelling for the next week and a half. I decided I'll wait to have the talk when he comes back. I felt bad calling it quits when he doesn't feel well.
MD and I hung out last night. Awesome. That is all.
I felt really great yesterday. First time in three weeks. YAY! Today I feel okay, except for the splitting headache and now neck pain. I don't think it's related to food or stress or DEPRESSION (jerk). It's probably because I'm carrying my laptop everywhere, looking down at it as opposed to looking up at a desktop monitor, and started sleeping laying flat again after two months of sleeping sitting up post-surgery. Well, post-pulled chest muscle. DUDE. I solemnly swear to be the healthiest I have ever been in my entire life starting now.
My only plans for this weekend are to cook and rest. I'm feeling a little hermity, but I think it's because I just want to save all my energy for getting better. Done and done.
My doctor said my test results are fine. Yay! He also said it must be depression. Boo! : ) :
At this point there's nothing left to do except go back to therapy and Auntie D. Naturally I have mixed emotions about this. Right now I feel like I failed. Oh well. At least I tried.
A couple of things did stand out on my bloodwork to me though:
My TSH/thyroid score is lower than it's ever been, so my fatigue and headaches could be related to too much Synthroid. This makes sense considering my dosage was upped the beginning of January. I am going to lower it again and see what happens.
My hemoglobin was a little high. The doctor didn't seem phased by this, but when I looked online (I can't stop, it's too dangerous!) I am in the pre-diabetic range with a 5.7. I'm not sure why he ignored this considering the reactions I had to sugar the past few weeks. I guess it's because there's really nothing to do besides keep watching my diet (I lost eight pounds!) and start exercising.
So there ya have it. I am a healthy menthole who needs to lay off sweets. Welcome to America.
The Gentleman might be onto me. We haven't talked on the phone in quite some time. I don't even know the last time I called him. It's been mostly texts and emails.
I called him yesterday evening and got his voicemail. He called back a couple hours later, but I was already in bed and not in the mood for the talk.
I called him again this evening. He hasn't called back. This is not like him. He might know what's coming.
If he doesn't respond I'm going to leave it alone. While I'm all for being honest and breaking it off in an upfront way, I really don't want to do this. When I tried to break up with Mr. J over the summer, he said "God you're so serious!" Well I am serious when it comes to love. I want it and I don't want to hurt anyone on my way to finding it.
If he only made me laugh. BLERG.
When we first moved to New Jersey my mom would lock herself in the downstairs bathroom and cry everyday for a good year. She finally snapped out of it when my brother, then 5, gave his new friend a tour of our house. She heard him say, "...and this is our kitchen and this is our brown bathroom that my mom cries in because she misses New York..."
Around that same time, she felt the need to train us on what to do if someone broke into the house. "Kids, if there is ever an emergency. I will say 'Go feed the rabbits.' and then you guys run out the backdoor and get help." FYI: we lived in a nice, safe suburban area with lots of neighbors. We didn't have rabbits.
My brother reminded me of these two stories tonight. We had our monthly phone call when we both tell each other how fucked in the head we are, how we wish we were normal only to later decide normal people are boring, and how mental stability wasn't really in the cards for us considering we are our mother's children. I like these calls because I feel like he's my old platoon buddy, the only person I can talk to about life during and after the war.
We have a good laugh about mom, our self-involvement and self-loathing, and our yuppie fixes (meds, therapy, yoga, meditation). He tells me my problems are good problems and I tell him to stop obsessing about his hairline.
Rippie is turning 30 this year. It fascinates me that I've known of him for that long, but really only got to know him the past five years...
I love my brother. The end.
I have tried to unsubscribe from Build-A-Bear Workshop's email blast at least seven times in the past two months.
I don't know how they even got my Gmail address since I always sign up for junk shit with my Yahoo account.
Build a fucking bear that will take me off your fucking email list! GAH!
I'm breaking it off with The Gentleman tonight. I need some Thighs therapy to get me through this...
If The Gentleman made me laugh things might be different. That's the only thing "wrong" with the guy. I'd really like to be friends. Maybe catch a Mets game one day.
The truth is I'm way too stressed out right now to be dating two people. There, I said it. I AM STRESSED OUT.
I'm trying my best to adjust to this new job, which I know I will love, but it's so many changes at once that it's a little overwhelming.
It doesn't fucking help that I've felt like shit the past three weeks. I am officially a hypochondriac now.
I still haven't gotten my Cobra information yet, so who knows how much my follow-up doctor appointment this week is going to cost me.
My mom has become my therapist and I'm worried that my stress is stressing her out.
My dad went for a biopsy today to see if he has prostate cancer. I've fooled myself into thinking I'm not worried, but I really am.
I miss feeling well enough to go out and have fun. I'm not even talking about boozing it up either. I had a great time cooking with the girls, at my friends' birthday party, and watching the Superbowl, but I am still not myself yet. I'd love to actually feel like I'm in the moment again.
Last but not least is MD. I like him too much to date other people right now. I have no clue what will happen next, but I'm willing to wait it out a bit longer. Plus, I fucking baked for the guy:
The Gentleman doesn't stand a chance. I can't string him along when I have all of the above on my mind. He deserves to be someone's first thought, not their eighth. I hope he finds someone more awesome and less anxious.
Oatmeal is safe! My stomach was okay and I had more energy. In fact I felt pretty good yesterday morning until I put on my glasses. My head starting hurting and a felt hazy again. I'm now wondering if maybe my prescription is wrong. The guesswork is getting to me though, so I'm trying to ignore everything until I get the bloodwork back. It's taking longer than I thought, probably because he tested me for so many different things. Oh well. I have to power through as best as I can.
This morning was a little rough. I woke up with a really bad headache, which turned into a panic attack. I have to stop hoping I'm going to wake up feeling well because when I don't it depresses me. I talked myself down and feel pretty good now. I'm glad because I got plans, bitch! I'm heading out to Swaft for a bit, then over to my friends' birthday party in the city tonight. I haven't gone out in two weeks, so it will be nice to be social for a while.
Last night Bacon, Jarv, and Juniper came over to coach me through cooking. It was a success! I made lemon pepper chicken with quinoa and mixed vegetables. I was a little panicky when I first turned the stove top on because it smelled like gas, but it subsided. I'm really looking forward to cooking more, I'm just not quite ready to do it on my own yet. Tomorrow I'm going to make a Steelers cake for MD, so Bacon is going to hang with me while my oven is on. Baby steps. (Sorry I'm such a freak, guys. Having your non-judgmental support helped a lot!)
MD...I wasn't going to write about him because I know it's getting old, but I can't help it. He's all I think about. It's ridiculous, actually. I'd talk about him for hours if I knew I could do it without getting punched in the facenuts. I'm sure I'm just focusing on him more than usual as a distraction from being sick. Then again, I might be thinking about him the same amount as I usually do, but don't want to admit to myself that I am obsessing. Bygones. Either way, I need a hobby.
I know it's dumb, but I felt like football Sundays were our thing. We met at the beginning of the season and watched at least 10 weeks of games together. Tomorrow it's over. Ideally this is when we start going on actual dates. I'm trying not to think about Valentine's Day.
Okay. Whatever happens, happens. Whatever will be, will be. I'm going to have a great time with him tomorrow, hopefully the Steelers will win, and then Monday I will wake up and have a fabulous week at work. Done and done.
What do Chris Rock, Justin Bieber, John Larroquette, and I have in common? We were all at last night's Knicks game! Hooray! It was so fun that I may become a basketball fan again. I played in high school and enjoyed watching games back then, but haven't been interested since. I miss Pat Riley.
The Gentleman is quickly approaching friend territory. I'm attracted to him, I just can't take the unfunny. Our conversations are so boring! They are very vanilla discussions about work, health, sports, family, friends. I feel like I'm talking to...gosh I can't even think of one person that I don't kid around with. I am sarcastic/silly/jokey with everyone and even I can't make this guy loosen up. SHEESH! It's weird though because we barely spoke during the Knicks game, but I still had a nice time...
OHHHHH. I get it now. I like the companionship. Yeah, I gotta say it's really nice to know that if I wanted to go see a movie, he'd go. MD probably would, too. Dating's fun when there are options.
I worked from home the past two days and I probably will tomorrow, too. I would have today, but I felt like I should go into the office since I haven't spoken to my boss since Tuesday. No one from Biz was there, so it was sort of pointless. Oh well. At least if my boss asks I can say I went. It's so weird to not have my boss up my ass slobbering over his own tongue at my office door everyday. By "weird" I mean "FUCKING RAD".
Working from home has highlighted the fact that Delilah needs a few things:
1. Wireless. I don't want to spend the whole day in my bedroom at my desk.
2. Duh. I was going to say a new and comfortable desk chair, but I guess I don't need that if I get wireless. Maybe a comfy recliner would be better.
3. Bookshelves and cases. This has nothing to do with the new gig, I'm just sick of looking at piles of books everywhere.
4. I WILL TAKE BLIZZARDS OVER HEATWAVES ANY DAY. A very controversial Facebook status. I wish the more snow meant the cooler summer, but I know it doesn't so I'll have to get a better A/C this year.
5. Food. Hold please.
6. More phone minutes. I barely get up to the 450 I have now, but I'm sure once I get into the groove with work I'll need more.
This week has been a good one, except for the sick. This is really getting ridiculous. The latest issue is a horrible headache in the back of my head. I rarely ever get headaches. The only time I did was when I had Lymes disease as a kid. Apparently Lymes can come back at any time, so it's quite possible this is my problem. Then again with symptoms like mine, anything is fucking possible. Jerks.
This morning was pretty rough again, but I felt better after lunch. The "Hold please" for the food was because I am having a rough time eating. I AM eating, I'm just afraid to eat something that will make me sicker. I haven't had any bread for two weeks now. All I've been eating are veggies, eggs, cheese, and chicken. The only sugar has come from a little bit of fruit and ginger ale once in a while. This is probably why I'm getting headaches and dizzy, but I don't know what to do! I was close to eating a cracker before and I stopped myself. I took this Candida saliva test online (I know, I know) and it appears I have it.
Oooo! Science project! Can you try the test and let me know what happens? THANKS!
I don't have a scale so I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if I lost about 7 pounds. I wish I had the energy to work out, so that I can firm up too. I'm hoping the test results are in tomorrow. The good news is I will get answers, even if they say nothing is wrong. The bad news is, something definitely is wrong and I don't have the patience to fucking wait any longer. I have things to do people!! Let's get me healthy!!
Camping chair = bad idea.
My apartment smells like a six year old West Virginia musty campfire.
D'oh!
My boss said I can work from home the next two days because of the weather.
I went to bed at 9:30pm, slept until 8:30am, and am now at my desk working.
I made my bed, showered, threw on some fleece pants, and am lounging in a camping chair only because my usual desk chair makes my tailbone hurt and legs fall asleep if I sit in it too long.
This job rules. Oh hell yeah!
