Thursday, May 17

Instant Gratification Grrrrl

Plans to go to nunnery on hold!

FB emailed me today. He said his email's been wonky for the past couple weeks, but I should call him if I want to hang out this weekend. Naturally I flipped out.

Having just watched the season finale of Scrubs I realized that I am very much like Elliot. We both get really hyper, talk very fast in an ear bleeding pitch, and flail around a lot. I like to think it's less annoying when I do it. Endearing, if you will. By the way, when did the cast get so old looking?

Of course Furball mocked me for a bit today, but was nice enough to humor me by pretending to be FB during my imaginary phone call to him.

Furball: "Hello?"

Me: "Hi, FB? This is Thighs. (10 seconds of maniacally adorable giggling) I can't do this!!! Aaaaarrrggghhh!"

My very first thought about anything in life is "NOW!" Work, food, beer, clothes, shoes, sex, drugs, coloring books, everything. I have to have it all right away. I've never asked myself this:

Which is stronger: the pain of not having this now or the pleasure of having something better later?

Most of my problems come from me being so all or nothing. If I want it, I get it. If I like it, I love it. If I don't like it, I hate it. If I'm done making out with some guy at a bar in Memphis I will make my friends leave right away with no explanation even though they didn't get the water they ordered and really wanted to drink because they were so parched from lots of alcohol. (Sorry Rockstar.)

After reading FB's email all I kept thinking was I would write or call him back tonight. I didn't even fathom the idea of doing neither. I really want to hang out with him, he told me to call, why wouldn't I call?

And then I had therapy. Today was a smorgasbord of topics, mostly about my need to react to everything. Cee made me realize that I never allow myself to relax and enjoy a positive moment. The minute something good happens I jump into Elliot-mode getting all emotional and crazy, totally replacing the peace with utter chaos.

She said I need to breathe. Just breathe.

So for the first time in my life I am going to enjoy a nice moment and not put pressure on myself to make the next move. It's not about games, it's not about anything other than me allowing me to chill. the. fuck. out.

I'll decide to call or email him come Monday. This weekend is for me!

Plus I only have $10 until Wednesday. Sad.

1 comment:

Bridget Rockstar!! said...

Oh dammit, now I can't use the magic power of the Memphis water story ever again.

You have broken its spell.

(Although well worth it for the revelation.)