Sugar Honey Iced Tea

I have never been a shy shitter. "When you gotta go, you gotta go." Be it school, work, friend's house, Taco Bell (practically a must), or Spice Market (where I was on Saturday) I will by all means take a dump with no remorse.

Only once has my carefree poopage embarrassed the hell out of me. It was in December at Nightingale (I think) when I bombed porcelain harbor and got made fun of for it.

There were only two onesie bathrooms. I did what I had to do, gagged on my own stench, ran to the bar to get matches, ran back before someone could come in, gagged some more, lit two matches, and hoped for the best. Ironically the two matches didn't do shit.

Two chicks were walking towards the door as I walked out. In a bad attempt at making up for the smell, I offered to hang myself out there by saying something along the lines of, "I'm SOOOO sorry. I think I ate some bad tuna."

Well they were disgusted and rightly so. My farts are usually odorless, but when they do smell it's a cross between rotten eggs and roadkill with a hint of broccoli. My Nightingale nugget was ten times worse.

Now I rarely ever get embarrassed. Sure sometimes I blush, but I'm always red so it doesn't really mean anything. Only twice in my life have I been completely mortified before this. One, a very VERY unfortunate karaoke experience with the song Rump Shaker. Two, a very VERY funny yet ridiculous experience when I stuck a french fry down a girl's ass crack. (She was wearing really low jeans, my friend dared me to do it, and yeah, I did it. No, I didn't know her.)

Now both of the above moments occurred when I was pretty smashed. The next morning however was when the mortification (is that a word?) set in. Embarrassment is hard, but lemme tell you, it's ten times worse when you're hungover. I still cringe whenever I hear Rump Shaker and I still feel bad about the french fry...although I will never forget seeing it dangle for the one nano-second it was stuck in her ass.

Where was I? Oh right, my dump at Nightingale. Completely mortified how bad it smelled. Even more mortified since those two dumb yentas were making fun. I was so embarrassed and will never, ever poop in a onesie bar bathroom again...or at least not when girls who pretend they never crap and/or fart are around, which leads me to my shy shitting.

I love my new job so far. I feel like I'm in the accelerated nerd classes, like enrichment, the Delta program, or Gifted and Talented. My new boss Fi got back from vacation today...I'm really excited to work with her!

The only thing I haven't given up though is the comfort of the bathroom on my old floor. There are more women on 11, the kind who probably don't shit at work and if they do they put toilet paper on the seats beforehand. Yes, this means I don't do it. I'm lazy and unsanitary. Sue me.

They also seem to be the type of women who would gossip about the poopetrator for years on end. No need for that action folks, so I decided to keep going to the 10th floor to be safe.

Of course what did I do the first time one of my old floormates "caught" me? Amy was just about to walk out of the bathroom as I was walking in:

AMY: "Hi Thighs!! How are you? What are you doing down here???"

ME (entering BATHROOM STALL): "Hi!! I still like taking dumps in this bathroom!"

AMY (walking out): "Uhhh...okaaay. (nervous giggle) See ya later!"

INT: BATHROOM STALL.

WE SEE ME sitting bare assed on toilet shaking my head in shame due to my total lack of internal editing, yet completely thrilled with my decision to still crap on 10.

END SCENE.