Thursday, May 3

No doubt.

My new job is awesome. It's only been four days and while I haven't done too much work, I know I'm going to love it. My department is nice and nerdy, I get to geek out as much as possible, and I have a window in my office. Well yeah, it's a window, but it's like those bathroom windows that you can't see out of. And well yeah, if I could see out of it all I would see is a courtyard, but's a window.

Greatest geek moment this week:

I crashed a server on my second day. I wiped out an operating unit on one of our test applications. My department seemed both a little scared and slightly impressed. Apparently I've popped my IT cherry.

Challenges for this week:

Patience. I'm feeling pretty useless right now. It's been a long time since I haven't been able to contribute on some level. I keep reminding myself that it will take time to learn the ropes. No one is expecting me to absorb everything in two weeks.

Red. Both he and Furbie pissed me off today. I know I shouldn't care what Red thinks any more, but I still do. Maybe I'll feel better once my new boss comes back from vacation. In the meantime I'd like to vent.

Once again I initiated a project and wasn't involved in the brainstorming sessions. It makes me feel like shit! The past few times I've presented a new process to Red he'll take the scope docs and then set up meetings to make them happen. He knows I like to be involved and yet he refuses to fucking involve me.

It sucks. Furball can sit there and say things like, "Thighs it means you presented it so well that he doesn't need you to explain it." where I say things like, "Why won't Red have any consideration for my feelings??"

Which brings me to Therapy Thursday. Red's job is not to make me feel better. That's supposed to be my job. So what's the dilly?

I am jealous that Furball looks at a situation and instantly sees it in a way that positively feeds his ego. I am jealous that Furball gets all the attention. I am jealous he doesn't have a mood ring face or wears his emotions on his sleeve. I am jealous of his confidence.

Why can't I ever be positive?
Why don't I promote myself and make sure I stand out?
Why do I feel the need to spread my knowledge to make us all equals?
When will I just admit that I'm an intelligent kick-ass employee?
When will I stop looking for other people's validation and approval?
When will me knowing something to be true be enough?

Basically, when will I ever stop doubting myself?????????

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