Silently Screaming

I figured out why Red bothers me so much.

A few months ago I realized that he represents my mother. Red and my mom are the only two people that have ever made me feel alive. Yes, A-L-I-V-E, alive.

My mom was nuts growing up. The only way we connected was when we were screaming, yelling, and sometimes punching the shit out of each other. I have no recollection of a peaceful or happy moment between us until I moved to NY three years ago.

My mom decided the outcome to every fight, meaning it wasn't over until she said so. If I came downstairs still upset when she was fine, I was the bitch. If I came downstairs fine and she was still upset, I was the bitch. I couldn't win.

I couldn't connect with others either. I had lots of friends growing up, but no one that really "got me" until recently. Communicating and bonding with someone meant I had to feel like a worthless piece of shit. It meant pain, confusion, and tears. It meant passion, rage, and obsession. It meant loving and hating them at the same time.

PJ made a huge impact on me, but it was positive, something I wasn't used to and inevitably ran away from. It wasn't until I met Red that I felt the blood-boiling and heart-wrenching emotions again.

For awhile the only way I could talk to Red was by yelling and turning red (hence his name). I'd get so upset with him, then I'd cry, then I'd feel bad. To this day I hate and love him at the same time. I have been fighting to get his approval for so long...once again I feel like I can't win.

So why do I still try? And what would winning actually mean with him anyways? I mean, he listens to my ideas, gave me a great raise, must have pushed for me to get this new gig. What the fuck would he have to do for me to get over him?? I've struggled with this question for over two years.

One day I connected the dots between Red and my mom. I was reacting to everything he said and did the same way I learned to with her. Sometimes I'd even get mad at him for breathing...and don't forget...he was my boss!! It's crazy that he invoked my earliest memories and oldest feelings without even knowing it.

I decided to have a discussion with the both of them. Not like in person, it was more their essence. Eventually they melded into one being, this weird fiery ball with lots of rings around it. Kind of like if Saturn was burning.

I needed to confront them/this thing and get it the fuck out of me. What happens if one of my kids has it? Will I hate them too?? I begged and pleaded for it to let me go, that I wasn't going to let him have any more power over me. Then I named it Zelochs.

Zelochs changed into a gargoyle type thing once I named him. He actually wasn't so bad once I separated him from my soul. In fact I told him to stay at home while I went to get a burrito. (Insanity makes me hungry.)

Anyways, that was about two months ago. I haven't spoken to Zelochs in awhile, nor gave the Red/mom connection much thought until now. I was over at Spags apartment tonight and vented to her about my recent challenges at work. I was okay until the ride home, then I started tearing up.

Jesus christ, why does Red still bother me? I figured out he's my mother, I confronted them both, I even turned him into a fucking demon-pet! What else can I possibly do to put him out of my mind??

And then it hit me. He's not my mom...he's me!!! I'M the one that doesn't approve of myself. I'M the one that treats myself like shit. I'M the one who drives me crazy. I'M fucking Zelochs!

I never really needed his approval. I know now that my mom loves me. Now I just need to love and approve of myself.

Sheesh!!

Have you ever met someone that mirrors you? Red did that for me from day one, despite not having a strong enough sense of self to recognize my own reflection.

You know what, I am recognizing myself more and more every day. In some fucked up way it has a lot to do with Red and again, he has no idea.

I am silently screaming. I should just email my therapist my blog instead of spending $40 a week on sessions.