Wednesday, June 20

Father Thighs

I'm going to my parents' house this weekend for a belated Father's Day celebration. For the past few years we've been going to Seaside Heights to bar hop along the boardwalk, play video games, and eat at the Beachcomber but since Rippie is out in LA I think we're going to go back to our roots. It just wouldn't be the same without him. Who would whip my butt at air hockey and who would me and my parents make fun of for smoking a cigarette like a pansy ass sissy girl?

Our old Father's Day tradition was to go to the movies, chill out at home, and then watch Predator or Total Recall. Every year. We are huge Ah-nold fans. I think this year I'll take him to see FF2, then watch Total Recall. It's not every movie you get to see a three-breasted hooker.

I like my dad. Isn't that nice? He is the silliest bastard I have ever met. One of my earliest memories is when we'd run around pretending to be superheroes. I would either be Wonder Woman or Batgirl, depending on which Underoos I had on, and my dad would either be the Joker or The Penguin. I don't remember what my weapons of choice were for Batgirl (most likely the Batarang) but for Wonder Woman I'd lasso him up or chuck my headband at him. Awesome.

I also had hand-me-down Robin Underoos from my cousin; whenever I wore them my dad would put on "Rockin' Robin" and we'd dance around the living room. If I ever get married I always thought I'd tell my dad we were going to dance to some standard father/daughter song, but then have the DJ throw "Rockin' Robin" on as a surprise. I also thought it would be cool to rip my wedding gown open and be wearing a Robin costume underneath, but yeah...this is probably why I'm still single.

The sad thing is I don't really remember my dad being around that much through my teen years. I think it was because my mom was the dominant force in the house that there just wasn't room for any other relationships to form. Weird right? Thankfully we became close again when I went to Rutgers because my dad works near the campus. Sure I'd hit him up for cash or the keys to his car, but I think he liked that I came by.

I'm pretty sure the last time we spent a whole day alone together was when I moved to Delilah. I seriously freaked out that day. I don't know if I was just scared of moving by myself or what, but I did not stop crying. I cried the whole ride up to Queens from Jackson, I cried when the movers came, I cried when they couldn't get my couch in the apartment, I even cried when I ordered two sausage sandwiches at Home Depot (they have like a cartdude). My dad was like what the hell is wrong with you?? Three years later I'm still not sure, I guess it really was just nerves.

Nowadays I talk to my parents about 3 or 4 times a week. Never, ever thought that would happen. As soon as I call they have to put me on speaker and then they keep talking over each other so that I have no idea what they are saying. Actually, my mom keeps talking over my dad, my dad eventually gives up and walks away. They are so retarded...and I honestly can't wait to see them.

Dear Dad,

If you are reading this blog I am most likely dead. I want you to know that while I was alive I loved you very, very much and will continue to do so if I'm not burning in the pits of hell. Sorry for sleeping with so many people.

Happy Father's Day!


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