SWF seeks SWML(uddite)

Technology is damaging my already tender self-esteem.

Every day I am reminded how accessible I am which in turn reminds me how no one is trying to, well, access me. To combat this, I have decided that I can no longer like or date someone who owns a cellphone or uses the internet.

I figure this narrows my dating range to three groups: technophobes, newborns, and senior citizens.

Technophobes:
If you are a technophobe or luddite in this day and age, you are most likely a freak of nature. While I too fit this description, I don't think I can date you since you most likely don't own a television, don't eat meat, and only read books without pictures. I'll compromise if you have a 9-inch penis, though. Soft.

Newborns:
How does one go about dating a newborn? Is that legal? How could you tell we were dating?

Darn, it just occurred to me this wouldn't work out either because I'd probably get really jealous over how much time he spends with his mom.

Me: "You're such a momma's boy! Why do you want to hang out with her instead of me all the time???"

Baby: "Wah!" (Translation:"Get away from me you sick fucking bitch!")

Senior Citizens:
Yes, I understand that there are plenty of old men who use email or have a prepaid phone, but my guy definitely wouldn't. Instead he'd master the art of story telling with his soft voice, unfettering wit, and charming personality. Although mentally active he'd need to be decrepit, unable to run when I come to visit.

If I let Ruth Clare fully embody my spirit, it might work. Even better, there is no way for me to feel bad not hearing from him because one of three things probably happened:

1. Senility kicked in and he forgot we were dating.
2. His bum middle-aged children are angry he's with someone younger than them, therefore stopped him from calling.
3. He died.

Yaaayy!! There's no need to think anything bad about myself in that situation, so please spread the good word and let your grandfathers know I'm coming.