The Elephant

I hit my wall. The client's go-live (which means they officially dumped their old system for the new one) was Monday. Things are going pretty well! I'm excited for this project to be over. Antsy, even. It's funny, I used to get like this at my other jobs but for the first time ever I don't actually have to quit. I don't WANT to quit! Today my bosses asked me to give input on the new company logo and website. How cute is that? I was worried I'd hate working at a small company, but it's perfect. I'm involved and appreciated. That's all I've ever wanted!

I've been running on work-adrenaline all month. I've worked 20 days straight, which is a lot for me. I started coming down from my high Wednesday night. I cannot WAIT to go home and do nothing this weekend.

Despite the crazy workage I've had a good birthday month!

St. Patty's Day was a blast. My taco-love quadrupled after finally trying Guelaguetza. HOLYBALLS. Delicious. MDLL and I decided we're going to Hawaii some time in the fall. I AM SUPER EXCITED.

Sadly I am not buying tickets or anything until the dickhead processes his divorce papers, though. Last night I got margarita-tears when the girls asked me for an update. I was so embarrassed that I ripped him a new one in an email this morning. Curse words and all. It felt good.

Truthfully it's not something that bothers me everyday. Maybe that's the problem.

I've wanted to repaint my bedroom for at least five years. I'd wake up and the first thing I saw every morning was the shitty holey wall facing my bed. I'd have this feeling similar to failure, but not quite as strong. Can you have a sense of unaccomplishment? That's the only way I can describe it. I knew I'd feel better if I'd do it, but better how? Will I like it? Will it be right? Will it be a pain in the ass? I wonder if that's where procrastination comes from, a fear of what life will be like once you complete the thing you've put off.

This is how I see MDLL's divorce. I'm sure he does, too. Right now our relationship is a threesome - me, him, and the elephant in the room. Sometimes the elephant is invisible. Sometimes it's bigger than we can handle. The comforting (?) thing is whether we acknowledge him or not, he's always there.

I don't know what will happen once the divorce is final. The elephant will be gone and we will be alone. Alone with each other. I think we're both scared shitless. It saddens me to admit I'm afraid of a happy and healthy relationship. There's no doubt in my mind that's what we would have. We already do have one, except for THIS.

I don't blame the elephant. I blame us for not letting him go.

My wedding photo!

I am Mrs. Thighs Gorilla George.

Is it still March?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I turned dirty-whore, I mean thirty-four!!

I've worked around 70 hours this week; if it wasn't my birthday I'd seriously have no concept of time whatsoever. I even think I woke up wondering what the date was yesterday. Um, HELLO. It was March 9th, THE BEST DAY EVER.

Work is going really well. I'm not used to this schedule, though. Sunday I worked six hours, the weekdays were about eleven hours each, and today I worked another six. I have to work tomorrow too, but luckily I don't have to go into the office. I want to sleep in and not move until at least 10am.

My birthday was fun, but sort of odd! The internet connection went down at the office, so I decided to go to FAO Schwarz for the first time in 15 years. When I returned the internet was still down and we ended up moving to the GM building. I love the view:



A few hours later my boss Iron comes in and hands me a huge FAO Schwarz bag. I chuckled since I had just been there. She gave me the randomest gift ever, a toddler size gorilla stuffed animal. I was speechless. A gorilla doll, really? Turns out George (I named him this) is fucking awesome:



The rest of the day was pretty tame, so I headed home at a decent hour to gussy up for dinner with MDLL. Yeah, the breakup didn't last again. It never does. Resistance is futile at this point. We went to our favorite crabhouse and it was DELICIOUS. New Orleans shrimp, lobster, and crablegs. YUM. The piano man sang Happy Birthday to me. Well, Happy Birthday to Shauna. That's a first! At least it wasn't Sharon. I like that name, but for some reason it annoys me most.

Get this...MDLL bought me flowers and Star Wars Legos. Guess where he bought the latter? FAO SCHWARZ. He hadn't been there in years either. So funny that we went the same day. (FUNNY JUNIPER. There are no coincidences!) The cashier asked if the Legos were a gift for his son. Fa!

Hmmm, what else. I finished The Hunger Games this morning. It was excellent! I can't wait for the movie. I'm actually in the mood to keep reading, so I think I'm finally going to tackle Dark Tower tomorrow. Oh and I want to watch Game of Thrones, too.

I'm glad I mentally prepared myself for March to be all about work and rest. MDLL and I went out for a bit after dinner last night, but I was too tired to stay long. I'm sure my exhaustion was a combination of work and the three jaeger shots I did within fifteen minutes. Whatevs.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Party time!

This week can end now! I'm ready to go out and get my drink on. My tummy feels a little weird; it might be too much acid in my stomach. I took a Prilosec, Tums, and ate some yogurt. Bring on the voka soduh!

I don't want to do any work today. My plan is to leave around 4-4:30pm, go home to drop off my laptop, and come back out.  I brought my shirt for tonight and some makeup so I can beautify here if I need. I might just leave my laptop at work and get it tomorrow. It's not a huge pain to drag it out, but I'd prefer not to worry about it.

My coworker Zebra is here. God he's annoying. Everything he does is LOUD: talking, coughing, drinking, eating, typing, opening a bag, slamming shit, walking. I don't have the best hearing, probably because my family always screamed and I passed out in a speaker at a rave once, so I am amazed how aurally irritating this fucker is. I have my earphones in with no music on, just to lessen the blow.

I never really could work with music on. I'm not sure why I don't listen to music very often. Maybe it's because I'm constantly thinking and daydreaming? I'm excited to get some dancing in later. I heart dancing! I hope we get to take over the jukebox like last year.

Wow. Last year. 33 was a fucking trip. The Year o' Jesus. Wait, did I ever explain this?

Apparently Jesus was crucified and rose from the dead at 33. I thought this was interesting. Why 33? Is the age significant? I'm not religious, but I do like to find connection. I believed this meant 33 was the year of transformation, the year we become who we are meant to be. After all of the changes in my life last year I'm sure of this. Yes it could have been a self-fulfilling prophecy, but so what? I feel more myself than I ever have my entire life.

I went to therapy last night. It was exactly what I needed. I feel much better about everything. I did a little jewelry shopping and bought these awesome ugly green and blue chandelier earrings to wear tonight. I put them on when I got home and my earlobe hung two inches, so that was a wasted $16. My clothes are dark so I was hoping to brighten up the outfit with obnoxious sparkly jewelry. Maybe I'll find something during lunch.

Oh shit, it's 1pm! Yay! Countdown on!

Good things!

I made it 74 hours without contacting MDLL. I called him last night because I couldn't take it anymore. Good news...he spoke with his lawyer and MDLL needs to review the paperwork one more time before it is filed. He said he wanted to call me, but thought it would be best to wait until it's processed like I asked. He profusely apologized, thanked me, and reiterated how much he loved me. I cried, naturally.

I decided I do want to keep in touch, but I am definitely not ready to see him yet. It will fuck me up. We agreed it's best he doesn't come to my birthday party tomorrow night. It's unfortunate, but the right thing to do. I want to get drunk, dance, and have fun, not sob in a corner.

I'm not speaking to my parents or brother just yet. I'll deal with them some other time.

Yesterday was the hardest day. I felt so lost. I didn't know how to feel, what to think, nothing. I feel much more centered today after speaking with MDLL. It brought me back to reality. Luckily, Cee was available tonight so I'm going to talk it out with her later. Therapy rules.

Some more good things...

I went for a check-up on Tuesday with Dr. Bleyer. We're both very excited over how well I'm doing! We discussed the couple of flare-ups I had this year and she suggested maybe it's the gastritis. I forgot I had that! It makes a lot of sense, especially since I didn't eat gluten the last couple of times I got sick. We're going to see how I manage the next few months, then I'll probably go for another endoscopy to check how my guts are doing. I should be getting my blood test results tomorrow. I'm very interested to see if she was right about me always testing positive for mono. I'm a Mono-han!

Everyone is gearing up for go-live next week at work. I almost feel guilty for not being stressed out as everyone else. Isn't that funny? I'm just going to chill and wing it like I always do. The last conversion went super well, so I feel pretty confident I got this! Conversion weeks are exhausting, though. I'm prepared to do nothing, but work and sleep for the next three weeks!

My bedroom looks awesome with the new paint job. I was so happy it worked out that Rolo and her boyfriend Gee were able to stay. I rarely have visitors, so it was nice to play hostess/concierge!

I guess that's it!! I feel MUCH better about things today. I am cautiously optimistic this shit will be over soon. I'm not holding my breath, although MDLL sounded more motivated, concerned, and adamant about fixing this than ever before. I am hopeful again.

Just breathe.

The anger is starting to wear off, which means I can feel the sadness now. I allow myself a couple of good cries in the bathroom, wash my face, and let it go until I get home. I've stayed busy this week, so that helps. Monday I got highlights and a haircut. Yesterday my boss took a few of us out to dinner. I assumed Uncle Jack's Steakhouse was a shitty chain because of the name (maybe I was thinking about Jack's 99 cent stores?), so I was pleasantly surprised with the wonderful atmosphere and food. The lamb chops were excellent. Tonight Juniper and I are going to see Chronicle and Friday is my birthday drinks at Flannery's again. YAY BIRTHDAY!

I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow. Maybe I'll go shopping for a new shirt to wear on Friday. Oooo...I have a Groupon for an hour-long Swedish massage. Maybe I'll do that, too!

All I keep wondering about is the future. How will MDLL and I move forward after this? Will his lackadaisical attitude toward life always be an issue? What will our next break up be over? A delay in us moving in together? Getting engaged? If we do get back together, will my family and friends drop it or will they always have their doubts? Will there be a smugness/told-you-so vibe if things don't work out with him? Will this further damage our relationships? How can I share my life with MDLL with people who don't believe in us? How can I share my life with MDLL if he's debilitated by overthinking things? What happens if he's not my Taco Lobster? What happens if I'm his post-divorce rebound, he's my first adult love, and we're not meant to be? If MDLL is not the guy for me, will I be as willing to let these people into my next relationship?

Obviously I have to chill out. I don't know what the future holds, so I'm forcing myself to take it one day at a time. The problem is every day that goes by and I haven't heard from him, I know he hasn't filed yet. This hurts. I know he can't make his lawyer friend respond, but I can't help feel like if the tables were turned I'd be sleeping at the courthouse until I got in touch with him. I don't remember the last time MDLL and I went 48+ hours of radio silence. It was probably the last time we broke up, right before Halloween. For the past four months we've spoken to each other everyday. And my parents worry he's not available...

I accept the fact that I put myself in this position. No one did this TO me, I made my bed so I'm lying in it. What I don't accept is the way I've been treated. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I will say this: I am open-minded, honest, kind, NICE, and non-judgmental to almost every person I meet. I'm not perfect, I've been through a ton of shit, so I'm the last person to sit there telling others how to live their lives. I may not agree with racists, litterers, fanatics, or the red states, but I consciously make the effort to remind myself everyone is entitled to their opinion and live with free will. My friend posted this saying from the Dalai Lama: "Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." I could sit there and bash people all I want (and I've wanted!), but I remind myself it has no benefit. The more hate and negativity I spew, the more I become filled with both.

On that note, while I am allowing myself to be angry and upset, I make sure I reflect on the good in these relationships as well. No matter what happens with MDLL, I do not regret our time together. I've loved every minute with him. Sadly, the one thing I do regret is telling everyone he's separated. My advice: think about what you tell people. As honest as I like to be, sometimes the truth is an unnecessary burden.

Oscar Fight

I don't know the last time I watched an awards show. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable. Since I rarely see Oscar nominated movies, I end up judging people based on their outfit and/or acceptance speech. Farts.

Tonight I did something much more constructive with my time...I picked a fight with MDLL and my parents.

It started with me laying on the couch pretending to be interviewed by someone who wanted to know my opinion about relationships, politics, everything you can imagine. "Me, run for office? No way, the rest of America scares the shit out of me. Plus the media would have a field day with my past." "HOW CAN A WOMAN BE ANTI-CHOICE!?!? I don't understand!!"

As my Irish started to get up, I noticed a check-in at an ex-friend's house on Foursquare. I debated checking in there because I knew it would piss the cunt off. After some maniacal laughing, I decided against it because I'm not a fourteen year old girl. It was fun to pretend I did it though.

THEN I decided to text MDLL with an ominous "Are you home?" to which he quickly responded "On my way, why?". I stopped myself, realizing my Irish was WAY too up to have a normal discussion with him so I wrote "Nevermind, I was going to pick a fight with you, but I'm going to do push ups instead."

He called, I told him I was all riled up, and we had it out. We didn't fight per se, but we are taking a break. Again.

His divorce has not been processed yet. My parents and brother don't want to see him or hear about him until it's done. Some of my friends don't want to either.

I know everyone is worried about me. I know it comes from a good place. BUT FUCKING HELL, THIS SUCKS MY BALLS.

I am so mad at him for dragging this out again. I'm mad at everyone else for being judgmental. It might be black and white for you, but it's not for me. Should I have stopped our relationship before it went gray?? Impossible. You know why? BECAUSE I LIVE IN THE FUCKING GRAY.

I used to worry I was like a Jerry Springer contestant. "He fucked my sister and my dog, but I still want to marry him." You know what? Go Jerry! Go Jerry!

I am in love with MDLL. He may still be legally married, but I love the fucking moron. He is good to me, he loves me, and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's told me why he's put off processing the divorce and because of this I put my closest relationships on ice just to give him the space he needs. Why? Because I didn't want to give up on him no matter what the cost. I don't know if that's what love is, if that's what being in love means, but that's what I did because it felt like the right thing to do.

But now I finally hit my bullshit limit. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH HIM. I'm sick of my parents and brother saying shit like "You're dating a MARRIED man." and making me feel like a homewrecker. I'm sick of people acting like I'm a doormat or that I'm only staying with him because I don't want to be single again. NO. FUCKING. WAY. I've been single my whole life, I know how to be single. I just don't ever want to be single again now that I found my Taco Lobster.

Being without MDLL is torture. Absolute torture. He is my best friend, my fuck buddy, my heart, my soulmate. I miss him so much when we're apart that it makes me sick. Our relationship is PERFECT except for this. EXCEPT FOR HE'S NOT DIVORCED YET.

I am fine with him being lazy. I really am, at least when it comes to things I can do without him. I can't sign your papers for you, fucktard. JUST DO IT ALREADY.

I told him earlier this month this is it. I can't do this anymore. I can't be in the middle of him and the people close to me. I told him if he doesn't get his divorced processed by March 1st I am taking it as HE dumped ME. I picked this month because my parents always come up here for my birthday and they specifically called a few weeks ago to say they don't want to see MDLL when they visit. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I hate all of you!

So there you have it. I blasted MDLL, I blasted my parents, and I'm kind of blasting you.

FOR THE RECORD...I will say this: I DO NOT REGRET MY DECISION TO STAY WITH HIM THIS WHOLE TIME. The past four months solidified the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with MDLL. I know that sounds weird after this post, but it's not. I love him for better and for worst, just like I love everyone else in my life that way.

I don't know how the collective we will bounce back from this. How if MDLL and I do get married one day, I will be able to share the moment with the people who gave me shit, but I will try. First things first though...PROCESS YOUR FUCKING DIVORCE.

GAH! I HATE EVERYONE. I should have watched the fucking Oscars.

New Orleans pictures!!

NOLA pictures!

My word the trip was only three weeks ago. February has been a really long awesome-filled month!

Tasks!

I am so friggin task-oriented this week! The biggie was painting my bedroom, which I finished last night. It went from lavendar to light lilac. I wasn't planning on going purple again, but it sucked me back in!!

Tonight is cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. I should have guests more often as it's the only way I'm motivated to do any housework. I'm more messy than filthy, though. I'm like a toddler - I use things/take off clothes and leave them wherever I happen to be standing. MDLL only recently got to see what Delilah looks like after the Thighs bomb hits. He seems to get a kick out of me, smiling as he says things like "I found your deodorant under the Darth Vader mask on the chair in your living room." MDLL is really neat, so it should be interesting when we live together.

I made it to 5:30pm! Task time! WOO!

Insert foot

I feel so guilty.

This past week was fabulous. This whole year has been, even with the occasional gluten flare ups!

Saturday night was Rockstar's NYC birthday party. It was SO FUN, I can't wait to see the pictures. I BAKED A CAKE! Me, baked! I tried to decorate it with a big Kermit, fucked it up, and ended with this instead...I had icing all over me by the time it was done. Please remind me to wait at least five hours for the cake to cool. Thankfully everyone enjoyed it!



MDLL and I have spent six out of the last seven days together. Valentine's Day was perfection. He cooked an amazing seafood dinner, I felt really pretty all dressed up (finally!), and we had a romantic candle lit lovefest. We decided not to do presents, although he did buy me beautiful flowers. That night he mentioned he didn't own two of his favorite Simpsons episodes, so I immediately bought them. Thursday night I surprised him with the DVDs and ate dinner with him before he headed to the bar. Friday night was our second Valentine's Day celebration at Bukkake. It was a delicious dinner. The grilled octopus is mind-blowing. We hung out for a bit afterwards (read: hooked up), then I went to bed and he went out with his friends again.

MDLL is a late night partier. I have no objections to this because if I still had the college-like stamina that he does, I'd be out late too. I like our arrangement because we both get what we want, a good night's sleep and a fun night out. I only have one rule when it comes to his partying: he can never, ever, EVER fucking show up to my friend's or family's party drunk or hungover from the night before. He did this once and he knows I will beat the shit out of him if he ever does it again. Ever since he's been on his best behavior. We had a blast at Rockstar's party Saturday night, then went to Crazy Ass for a nightcap. Sunday we laid around, watched TV, and ate awesome food again. I made breakfast nachos: eggs, bacon, guacamole, salsa, cheese, and corn chips. AMAZEBALLS. Later we went for Thai food, which I cannot get enough of now that I know I can eat it. (Pad Thai is rice noodles. Hooray!) Yesterday he was going to go home and relax, while I was going to paint my bedroom. Rolo and her boyfriend are staying at my place this weekend (YAY!), so I used their visit as motivation to finally fix up Delilah. MDLL was nice enough to stay and help me paint, then I took him out to dinner as a thank you.

MDLL came over around 6pm on Saturday before the party. He left at 10pm last night. That was 52 hours of us in a row. I'm not sure if it was the longest stretch we've ever spent together, but - and I hate to admit it - around the 43rd hour mark I sort of wanted to be alone.

A little while later MDLL came in and said something like, "...well I'm getting sick of you so I'm going to leave." I blurted out, "Oh good! I'm getting sick of you too!" happily thinking this was a shared feeling. He looked so sad and said he was only kidding. I tried to cover it up, but it was pretty obvious I was telling the truth. I felt AWFUL, especially since the poor guy was in the middle of helping me paint. I started crying and apologizing. He said he didn't want to overstay his welcome, got ready to leave, but I made him stay. I don't want us to ever leave mad at each other, so I made him watch TV while I finished up the second coat.

We talked about it and I explained that I had an awesome weekend and I'm TOTALLY not sick of him, that I was just looking forward to my alone time. He said he wasn't really upset; he understood because he likes his alone time, too. We talked it out and ended up having a nice night despite me putting my foot in my mouth.

I'm still upset with myself, though. I feel incredibly guilty. After thinking it over, I know why...I don't want to hurt him like my mom hurt me.

Yes, I know this is a stretch considering what I said to him wasn't all that bad, but the amount of guilt I feel leads me to believe this has to do with something deeper than me running my mouth.

I was a commitment-phobe for a long time for a lot of reasons, mainly because I was afraid of hurting the person I love. With everything MDLL and I have been through, I can honestly say I've always approached our tough discussions with an open mind, open heart, and class. We could have had numerous blow outs over his divorce, but I knew it wouldn't have helped the situation. I grew up in a household filled with fighting and negativity and I refuse to create the same experience for my home.

While I do believe it's completely normal for couples to argue, I have worked very hard to learn how to keep my rage-snake in check and communicate in an effective way. I only found out recently that MDLL's wife was a lot like my mother, so the fact that he and I can have open and honest discussions without screaming at each other has really helped the both of us get over some issues.

I guess this is why it hurts so much that I hurt him yesterday. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it and simply learn from the experience. I feel like a broken record when I say this, but I do have to cut myself some slack since this is my first serious relationship. I'm learning it's possible to be mad, disappointed, and/or annoyed with the person I love. I'm also learning what it feels like to accidentally make the person I love mad, disappointed, and/or annoyed with me. It sure is shitty! Blerg.

So Many Things!

Ack! I haven't written in forever. So many things to catch up on!

1. New Orleans was SUCH a good time! I am so glad I went. The rundown:

~ Best travel group ever. All 12 of us were fun, laidback, and seriously up for a good time!

~ In the 48 hours I was there, something in me has changed forever. New Orleans gets in your blood and right to your core. It celebrates both life and death in a way I never thought possible. The energy, the spirit, the hedonism, the sensuality, the macabre, the sadness, the loss, the rebirth, the history, and most of all, the music. I'm considering going back for Jazzfest next year.

~ Bourbon Street is like the Seaside Heights boardwalk on acid, which naturally means I loved it! Gluttony is everywhere! YOU CAN DRINK IN THE STREETS! Ahhhhh! I had all intentions of flashing people, but I got shy. SHY! I did flash Bacon and Janey, though. FYI, I have pale nipples.

~ The Krewe du Vieux parade has ruined all future parades for me. It is AMAZING. You'll see what I mean once I post my pictures (hopefully this week!).

~ The one thing I absolutely wanted to do was go to Marie Laveau's House of Voodoo for a reading. I sat with a reader named Phillip. He knew I have dietary issues, had lost a lot of weight, was dating someone who is still legally married, and some other things. It was fantastic.

~ My new favorite bar: Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop. My new favorite drink: The Voodoo Daiquiri. I need to make this very soon.

‎2 oz. Bourbon
1 oz. Everclear or Vodka
4 oz. Grape Juice
1 cup Crushed ice
Combine Bourbon, Vodka, grape juice and ice into a blender... blend at a medium speed until smooth (15 to 25 seconds).

2. Not sure if you heard yet, but THE GIANTS WON THE MOTHER TRUCKING SUPERBOWL!!! AGAIN!!! WOO HOOOO!! I made sure I'd be home on Sunday in time for the game, just in case they made it in. I was worried I would have jinxed them, but NOSIREE! Actually now I think I singlehandedly insured their win. In 2008, I had hung up four Giants paper plates as decoration for my last Super Boobie Bowl. I didn't take them down until this past November. COINCIDENCE?? I think not!!

3. Last Wednesday I was glutened again. Maybe. I'm not sure what the hell got me. Not knowing is very upsetting, but I healed pretty quickly this time. It's the same as it always is: the pain right below my ribs, the shits, the cold, the exhaustion. The best treatment is to stay home, rest, and rehydrate as soon as it happens. I am SO happy I didn't get sick in New Orleans. Thankfully, all of the restaurants were very accommodating to my dietary needs.

4. Unfortunately I wasn't able to go out on Thursday for Jarv's birthday, but I WAS able to go horseback riding with she and Juniper on Sunday! It was fun! We went to Kensington Stables in Brooklyn. The place is a bit of a shithole (horseshit-hole), but I enjoyed the ride through Prospect Park. I'd like to go again when it gets warmer.

5. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!! I've always liked Valentine's Day, but I must say I am SUPER excited this year. This is my first real Valentine's Day with not only a boyfriend, but someone I truly, truly love. Last February we were still on our ridiculous relationship roller coaster, but we did have a nice dinner at Bugatti in Astoria (we nicknamed it Bukkake) on the 12th. I thought it would be sweet if we went back there, but they weren't taking reservations or Groupons tonight. We decided to stay in and cook seafood at his place instead. Did I mention I was excited?? I'm going to get all dolled up right after work and head over. I EVEN BOUGHT A DRESS:



WOO HOOOOOO!!

6. Speaking of Groupons, I have a zillion! Tomorrow night Juniper and I are taking a two hour intro sewing lesson. I also have three restaurant coupons (Bukkake included), five Krav Maga/self defense lessons, a swedish massage, an archery lesson, four kickboxing classes, and a two hour intro sculpting class. I am NOT allowed to buy anymore until I use these up!

7. Work is really quiet right now. This is the calm before the March Go-Live storm. My boss said I should be prepared to work everyday, including weekends. I'm not sure what I'll do for my birthday. Luckily it's on a Friday, so I'm hoping I'll get to celebrate it!! If I can, I'll probably have another drink up at Flannery's like last year. If not, I might just have a couple of drinks at Crazy Ass in the neighborhood. We shall see!

Hmmm...I guess that's it! Enjoy your V-Day! I hope you all know how much I love you! <3 <3 <3

A Birthday Poem

My dad found this while cleaning out the basement. I wrote it in 1989 when I was 11:



Yes, I've been writing about farts for a long time now...

LOVE YOU DAD!

The Saints Come Marching In...

Countdown to NOLA! Friday morning I will be joining Rockstar's 40th birthday celebration down in New Orleans. I can't wait! I've never been there! I'm super stoked to check this place out, see some old friends, and show off my natural non-implanted frankenboobs for some cheap plastic beads! (I ran this by MDLL. His response, "Do what you gotta do.")

Apparently I decided to prepare for the trip by getting wasted Saturday night in Astoria. I went to MONSTER TRUCKS will Juniper, then headed to Crazy Ass to meet the guys. Somehow the night went from 11:30pm to 2:30pm the next afternoon. Here is what I remember:

1. running around the bar with cheesy sunglasses
2. dancing
3. Sy saying, "Wow, you're never out this late!" and me replying, "I'm ALWAYS out this late." not realizing how late it was
4. How late was it? It must have been around 5am because I remember seeing the stools put on top of the bar and the gate pulled halfway down.
5. throwing up in MDLL's bathroom
6. waking up at some point fully dressed in his bed

As awful as this sounds, I used to brown out/black out a lot when I drank back in the day. I haven't done that in quite a while. I definitely didn't plan on doing it last weekend, it just sort of happened.

Fortunately I didn't feel too bad on Sunday. It was a lovely day of brunching at Bacon's house with a few of my favorite ladies. I had the next day stupids and I did fall over a lot, but nothing crazy. My mind was too distracted to be hungover because I was meeting MDLL's brother that night.

MDLL's family is in Pittsburgh, so this was the first time I was meeting any of them. He is very close with his brother, so naturally I wanted to impress him. I was SUPER nervous about it. I'll admit most of my nerves come from wondering if they'll like me more than MDLL's ex. I know this is dumb, so I'm trying my best to let it go. It's one of those questions I want answered as long as the answer is in my favor.

His brother was very reserved and proper at first. It sort of freaked me out that I might end up in a family of robots. Once he opened up and cracked some jokes I realized MDLL is the same way around people he doesn't know, too. This is called "shyness." Who knew?

The weekend was really good, but I don't feel like I've caught up on sleep yet. Sunday I tossed and turned for some reason. Monday I slept okay. Last night I went to dinner and a movie with Breen (see The Artist now!), then went to MDLL's. I was so exhausted that I stayed over, which I've never done on a weeknight. I slept really well, but I'm still tired today. Oh well, to quote my mother, maybe it's the weather.

Tonight I had planned to go to a birthday party for this really sweet guy from Company, but I think I'm going to skip it. It doesn't start until 9pm, so I was going to go home, do laundry, then head back into the city. I'm still on the fence, although just typing out my plan is making me even more tired.

Decision made. I'm staying in so that I'm well-rested for Nawlins!! WOO HOO!

Quoting Myself

I just wrote this to a friend and I wanted to memoriaThighs it:

"Honestly I don't know shit about dating, but I do know how to become the person I want to be. I've gone through a lot of shit the past year and made the effort to survive it all. The one thing I am sure of now is that every moment in life is an opportunity to learn and grow. We just have to run with it."

PMS and Football

I'm dragging ass today. Dragging. Ass.

I slept most of Friday and Saturday. Rest and fluids is the best thing for me to heal when I've been glutened or sugared or whatever the hell. Saturday night I felt well enough to go to MDLL's and lay around his apartment for a change of scenery. I got another 10+ hours of sleep that night too, so by Sunday I was raring to go for the Giants game. Did you hear the news?

THE MOTHER FUCKING GIANTS ARE GOING TO THE MOTHER FUCKING SUPERBOWL! AAAAIIIIEEEE!!

So awesome.

Or is it?

I was PMSing hardcore Saturday. I cleaned my entire apartment, even scrubbed the walls. I cried over the Disney movie Meet the Robinsons, which is really sweet and adorable. (The movie, not me crying.) When I got to MDLL's, he was dealing with his own male-PMS so I didn't really have the time or energy to act out mine. Man, can that kid be cranky!! The next day he was back to his loving self, so I became an insecure teenage bandgeek. (I don't know why I called myself a bandgeek, but that's what came out as I typed. It probably has something to do with watching American Pie 2 on Sunday. PETEY!) I went middle school on him: "Do you still like me? Do you think I'm cool? I still turn you on, right? Circle yes, no, maybe." Apparently, I need to be extra validated when I'm about to get my pdiddy. MDLL took my moroncy (manujaggered) in stride and made me feel better. He's a good egg.

Later on we went to Crazy Ass to watch the last half of the Ravens/Patriots game. I HATE the Patriots. Hate. It's not because they are good; it's because they are bad fucking sports. Only dickheads go for a two point conversion when the game is out of reach. Brady punting the ball himself last week against Denver was dickish bullshit, too. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should! Belichik's refusal to shake the winning coach's hand is bullshit as well. He and Brady's talent impresses me, but I'd like them more if they had some class.

Get this. When the Giants game started I actually wanted them to lose so they wouldn't face the Patriots again.

WHAT!?!?!? WHAT KIND OF FAN AM I?!?!?!

Seriously, I wanted them to lose for about ten minutes. During that time I talked it out with MDLL.

Me: I can't take this pressure. I want them to lose.

MDLL (slightly laughing at me): What? Why?

Me (near tears): The Patriots will slaughter them for ruining their perfect season!!

MDLL: Orrrr...the Giants could win again.

Me (crying): BUT, WHAT IF THEY DON'T!?!?

MDLL(smiling and hugging me): It will be okay. I promise.

A vodka soda later:

Me: What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I want the Giants to lose? I need to get to the bottom of this. I would rather them lose the Championship rather than try to win the Superbowl? What the hell? Is it because they will be heartbroken if they lose the Superbowl? So what, at least they got there! At least they tried!! Isn't not trying worse than failing?? I mean, failing is better than not trying.

MDLL (smiling, eyebrows raised): ...

Me: Look at my life! I am not scared to do anything except the things that mean the most to me, ie writing, drawing, and creating! I am so scared to be judged about the things I care the most about! But, who is judging??? WHO? I'm failing right now because I'm not trying!! At least the Giants are trying!

MDLL (drinking his beer, staring at me): ...

Me: It's my mother. My mom was so mean and judgmental when I was a kid. I wanted her to like me, but she never did! I wanted everyone to like me so I didn't try because I didn't want to be better than anyone. That's all changed now!! My mom likes me and I like her and the people in my life would love me if I was successful! And they would all love me if I tried and failed! It's like Meet the Robinsons: KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

MDLL then said lovely personal things about his life which I will not share here. More hugs and kisses.

Me: Okay, I want the Giants to win now. LET'S GO BLUE!

END SCENE.

Whine whine whine

I haven't whined in a while. Let her rip!

Stupid fucking gluten. Stupid fucking sugar. I've had a sore throat on and off all week, so I'd pop a couple of Advil and cough drops before bed to sleep through the night. On my way out the door this morning I grabbed some Halls Honey Lemon drops thinking they'd be more powerful than the Duane Reade sugarfree ones I had been using. My throat is fine now. The rest of me, not so much.

I don't know for sure, but since Halls is the only thing I ate out of the ordinary, I am blaming it for my tummy attack at work. It was the usual pattern: I poop a lot, get cold, panic, then become extremely exhausted. I went home around 1pm, slept until about 3pm, and am now blogging. I'm forcing myself to eat a lot because if I don't I'll get even weaker. I feel much better, although I'm still tired and my tummy's a little sore.

I want to cry. It's getting easier and easier to deal with this, but I still can't help getting upset. I feel stupid, embarassed, annoyed, and guilty for hurting my body. I know this is trial and error. I know it's going to take time. Look how far I've come!! I know when it hits I have to drop everything and take care of myself before I shut down.

I've been feeling great, I'm the happiest and most positive I've ever been, and life has been good. For whatever reason, I can't eat gluten and I have to watch my sugar intake. Oh no! I'm forced to eat healthy! Poor me! Ha!

I'm laughing. It was a silly mistake. Now I know better.

Interestingly enough, I ate a premade orzo dish with spinach, sundried tomato, and feta for lunch on Tuesday. I've had it before and never felt gross until this week. I thought maybe it had gone bad or something, so I forgot about it.

Today when I was looking up info on the cough drops I saw orzo is pasta. I had no idea! I thought it was rice! DUMB. So now I'm a bit confused again to what throws me over the edge. Yes, the orzo made my stomach a bit icky, but it passed relatively quickly. Why would the sugar in a cough drop knock me down if that didn't? Trial and error, people.

Oooo Pad Thai is safe! I had it Wednesday night at this really good restaurant called Topaz on 56th Street. DELISH! I'm still very addicted to the gluten free pizza at Mozzarelli's on 23rd Street, too. See, Thighs? Being GF ain't THAT bad!

This post wasn't as whiny as I thought it would be. Yay!

One year anniversary!

Yesterday was my one year anniverary at Biz. Crazy, right?

Wanna hear something crazier?

I LOVE MY JOB.

WHAT WHAT WHAT!?!

January 6th started our final practice conversion before go-live in March, so for the past couple of weeks I've been working late and on the weekends. It was awesome. I feel smarter, more productive, more invested, and HAPPY.

Last week I was walking to work when the thought crossed my mind I might actually love this gig. I stopped in my tracks and had a slight panic attack. This idea was surprising, scary, and confusing. The word "love" was stuck, the "l" caught between my chest and my throat. I forced myself to say it out loud, "I love my job."

My heart still flutters when I say it.

Here is what Professional Thighs has learned over the past 12 months. Actually 6 months, considering I was comatose the first half of 2011.

1. Be sincerely pleasant and kind

I've always had problems with my attitude at previous jobs. I hated inefficiency, stupidity, lack of vision. I hated my bosses once I figured out I was smarter or more driven than they were. I hated a lot of things and I didn't hide it.

I am now the "face of Biz" at the client office. I'm the only one from my company that is here every day. I'm sincerely pleasant to everyone, even when they are being mean and difficult. I realize now that being nice is way more efficient than having a chip on my shoulder. Being nice and kind makes others feel good about themselves and as a result, empowers them to do better. Being nice also makes ME feel good!

2. The Client is not always right.

It's hard to tell someone they are wrong. The Client is not always right, but you have to make them FEEL right or at least, not stupid. While this goes along with being pleasant, it's also a crucial communication skill I'm trying to master.

3. There's a million ways to skin a cat.

An old coworker used to drive me crazy when he said this. Now I understand that if the result is the same, who cares (most of the time)?. I used to fight for what I thought was the proper way to do something; in the end it never really mattered.

4. I love my autonomy.

While it's frustrating at times when I can't get a hold of my boss Iron, I LOVE that I am on my own now. I don't have a boss breathing down my neck, slobbering at my door, questioning my decisions. All I have to do is come here, be cool, and get my shit done. It's perfect.

5. I am a procrastinating crammer.

After 34 years, I've finally realized I am a crammer. In college I'd write papers the night before they were due. At work I can have two months to get a project done, barely touch it, then pull something out of my ass the 11th hour. I no longer stress over this because it's how I am.

6. There's no need to stress.

I realized there are two reasons why I stress over work: one, I'm not doing my job or two, someone else isn't doing their job.

If I'm not doing my job, then I need to fucking do it. End of story. If someone else isn't doing their job, there's not much I can do about it. I can talk to the person or HR, but that never seems to help. The only other options are to either get over it or leave.

Obviously I'm the leaving type. If you aren't then my advice to you is Tim Gunn's advice, "Make it work."

7. Balance is everything.

Part of the reason why I had such a shitty relationship with bosses is because I was expecting way too much from them. I was expecting them to nurture me, empower me, and encourage me to shine. Yeah, those bosses are rare.

I realize now that if my job isn't giving me what I want, then I need to find it in other areas of my life. If my job sucks my soul, then my personal life must replenish it.

Luckily, I believe Iron is one of the good bosses. She's smart, competent, constantly shows her appreciation, gave me a nice bonus, and told me I'm getting a raise next week.

I love my job AND my boss! WHO AM I!?!?!?!

Real Love?

Things with MDLL are going SUPER well. He's still waiting to hear back from his lawyer about the divorce (it's a friend who is doing it for free, so he doesn't want to be too pushy), but other than that (yes, I know it's still a big BUT) things are awesome. He is more communicative than he's ever been. He's opened up about the divorce, where he is in life, how he feels about me, and where we are headed. We go on dates, he treats me well, and he's still the best kisser in the world. Each day we hang out I find myself falling more and more in love with him. It's amazing to me how he gets funnier, sexier, and more interesting every day.

Over the weekend we reflected on the past year, specifically how all of our ups and downs affected us. We laughed about it and pinky swore not to break up again. I told him I've held back on sharing my thoughts about our future because I was afraid I'd scare him off. He said not to worry about it; he thinks about our future, too. I shared a couple of things, like how we should have a Crazy Ass table at our wedding for all of our friends from the bar. I did not tell him that I regularly update my wedding guestlist spreadsheet and have been looking at bridal gowns. Yes, I have become THAT GIRL.

Truthfully it's fun being THAT GIRL. I am excited to be with MDLL, I am excited to be in love, and I'm excited to have met someone I actually want a future with. I've always had an overactive imagination, so it's natural for me to daydream about what our home, wedding, kid (I'm thinking one boy), and life will be like. What isn't coming natural is accepting all of this.

After ten years of failed relationships, I am having a hard time believing MDLL and I are together. I, Thighs McGee, have a boyfriend. I, Thighs McGee, have met the man I want to marry. ME. THIGHS. The former commitmentphobe Jedi-slut. WHAT THE WHAT?

I do not doubt MDLL loves me, cares about me, or that we are both in it for the long haul. Actually I'm not even sure if what I'm feeling is doubt...maybe disbelief? Here is an example:

Last night we went out to dinner, then took the train home together. He invited me to his place and I declined saying it was too cold (20 degrees). I just wanted to go home, put on fleece pants, and veg. He looked sad and said, okay well I want to hang out with you, so I'll come to your place. Sweet, right?

We spent the night snuggling and watching TV. It was perfect. He's perfect. At one point he got up and time sort of stood still. I stared at him and thought, "Is this real? This isn't real. This can't be real."

I can't believe it. How the hell did *I* find love? I've been single my whole life. I can tell you how to meet guys, how to get laid (simply ask them), and how to politely break up with someone, but I have no experience with long-term serious relationships. If we move in together, where/when can I talk to myself or laugh-cry in the fetal position? What happens if the sex gets boring? Will his family like me? Will we always be attracted to each other?

The funny thing is, I now think the roller coaster ride of our relationship actually made it easier for me to digest being one. MDLL had one foot out the door for months. I'm used to guys not liking me, so it was "normal" to feel like this was temporary. Now that he's invested in me and in us, it's a bit jarring. Holy-shit-I'm-someone's-girlfriend jarring.

As fun as it is being THAT GIRL, I know I'm not ready to move in with MDLL or get married yet. He needs to get divorced (duh) and I need to adjust to no longer being a spinster. Like I wrote in an earlier post, I am SUPER excited to see what this year holds for us. I just have to remember to take it slow.

2012 Resolutions

For the first time in my life, my resolutions will not include losing weight and getting a boyfriend. Hooray!

1. Read.

I am starting this year off with Let The Great World Spin, Dark Tower Book 1, and Twilight. I also now regularly read the NYTimes online and just started buying the Sunday paper. Part of this resolution includes mastering the NYTimes crossword every week.

2. Volunteer.

I miss volunteering. I want to find something art or environment related, flexible with my work schedule, and more organized than NYCares.

3. Pay a little more each month to my debt.

I reached the halfway point of paying off my credit card debt. Have I ever said the total on Thighs? Brace yourself...$45K. FORTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Christ. I am now down to $21K. I wish I was a bit happier about this. I've come so far AND I have a way better relationship with money. Live and learn, right?

4. Continue to make my health my number one priority.

Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially...every-ally. Eat right, exercise, floss, sing, dance, meditate, write, draw. Do everything I can to love myself and love my life.

5. Become aware

This goes along with reading, of course. I want to learn and be knowledgeable about current events, politics, and the state of the world. It's a bit overwhelming because I'm not sure where to start, but I'm glad I'm finally interested.

That's it for now...not too shabby!!

Happy New Year!

I'm so excited for 2012!! Right now I'm pumped for the crazy conversion crunch that will be the next two weeks at work and to see what this year will bring with MDLL.

I am FUCKING PSYCHED. The excitement, the positivity, the possibilities, the unknown...I can't take it!! GAH!! ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! Anything! Sure, anything can happen any day, but I feel a lot wonderful things will happen this year. I am freaking out in a good way!

I really need to slow my roll, but I can't! I feel like the guy who saw the double rainbow...



Deep breaths...stop blogging...focus on work...

IMGOINGTOPEEMYPANTS!!