Thursday, April 12

Breakthrough No. 7

I go to therapy every Thursday. Today I had a breakthrough.

I obsess, exhaust, beat down everything. I do it with guys, with work, I even used to do it with friends. I never understood where this came from. Was it fear, anxiety, or both? I never asked myself this question:

What would happen if I don't do it, this, or that?

What would happen if I didn't flirt with Donovan? What would happen if I didn't tell the whole world I love him? What would happen if I didn't imagine our wedding and our two children, a boy (eventual Eagles fan) and a girl (eventual Giants fan)?

I mentioned in a recent post that I was offered a great new position at Company. It's in the IT department and just happens to be the exact position I wanted, but didn't know how to get. Seriously, I was on the subway thinking about what I would say to Red and Soaps, but with the current climate I figured they wouldn't help me. Then the head of IT called an hour later offering me the position. I couldn't fucking believe it. I found my flow.

This was last Wednesday. Mags (new boss) said he wanted me to start this past Monday, that HR and Red already knew. I was like shit yeah! Well, it's eight days later and I haven't heard anything.

I sent Mags a follow-up email last Friday. He responded on Monday saying he was working out the logistics and timing. He'd follow up with me on Tuesday. It's Thursday and nothing, so I emailed him saying please let me know if you need anything from me. He said he's still working on it.

I've been so angry all week that I actually took a mental health day yesterday. I hate feeling like this and needed to figure out what the fuck my deal was. I did.

So the questions: What would happen if I didn't follow-up with Mags? What would happen if I didn't obsess about the details of the job?

Before I answer, in my defense I still don't know when I'm moving offices, what my actual job duties are, nor what my pay increase will be (if any). So yes, even a normal person would be a little anxious right now.

BUT, this is a huge self-defeating pattern for me so I need to fucking end it.

The answer: B-L-A-M-E.

My mother blamed me for everything. I was blamed for all the fighting, for her mania and depression, and her unfulfilled dreams. I was blamed for her unhappiness, stress, and lack of self-confidence.

Now I'm sure you're wondering if that's true, but I learned in a recent communication seminar that it's not what you say or what you do, it's what people perceive.

I perceived my mother hated me and that I was to blame for everything wrong with my family. Shit man, it wasn't hard thinking that since I was called a bitch, smacked around, screamed at, and overall dumped on since age five. Maybe even younger.

So what does this have to do with work and guys? I realized today that if I don't think, do, or say something it will be all my fault for it not happening.

If I don't tell Donovan I love him and he secretly loves me and doesn't tell me, it will be my fault we don't get together.

If I don't follow-up with Mags even though he said I'd start four days ago and hasn't followed up with me, it will be my fault that I'm still stuck with Red and Soaps.

My mother never took responsibility for anything growing up. I feel like I was to blame for it all, but who knows, maybe my brother and dad think they are to blame, too.

I felt responsible for everything growing up and I still do now. I feel responsible for fixing Company, I feel responsible for making as many attempts as possible to get someone to like me. Any why? Because I would hate for any one else feel responsible or to blame.

In some weird fucking twist, I have allowed all the nimrods at my job be irresponsible by me acting like I'm fully responsible.

Donovan doesn't like me, never did. I liked him because he's a man's man. Doesn't a real man want to feel responsible, the one that wears the pants, keeps me safe, and puts food on the table? He'd never feel like that with me, so why should he bother?

I've respected and knew I would learn a lot from Mags the minute I met him. Do I want him to feel like I don't think he'll follow through? That he talks out of his ass or that he's too stupid to remember that he offered me the position? He's a fucking CIO, he can certainly take the responsibility to make sure I'm informed.

WOW. I have a lot to think about. And no, I don't know if this is actually the 7th breakthrough, I just though it sounded good in my head.

1 comment:

Bridget Rockstar!! said...

That's a pretty monumental realization. Well thought out and even more well written. :)