PJ

I saw THE ex-boyfriend today.

You can probably tell by now that I'm pretty boy crazy. Always was. I've only had 2.25 boyfriends my whole life. I say 2.25 because my most recent "boyfriend" only lasted about 6 weeks. Psycho Joe lasted about 6 months and I didn't really like him that much.

PJ and I met in college. I lived in the dorms with his best friend Sal. PJ has red hair, big fat freckles, and the most retarded sense of humor ever. I fell in love with him right away.

It was a weird time for us to be dating. I had a huge fight with my best friend that resulted in us never speaking again. I was failing out of school. My relationship with my mom was the worst it had ever been. Horrible, horrible times.

Then I met PJ. He was going through some bad shit himself so we bonded pretty fast. He made me feel so warm, so beautiful. I remember the first time we said I love you. It was only about a month after we met. We were making out in his bedroom listening to U2. There was this moment when we felt completely connected, melted into one being. It was the most amazing thing I've ever felt. I knew he felt it too.

Later on he walked me to my car. We kissed good-bye and he slightly pulled me away from him so that my face was in the moonlight. He looked into my eyes and whispered, "I love you." It was magical.

We were so silly together. Whenever we felt that special feeling again, we'd refer to it as our "Bono moment". Whenever we wanted to say "I love you" in public we'd say, "Chicken pot pie." And the few times we actually studied we'd go to the library and pass stupid jokes to each other to see who'd laugh the loudest.

PJ had moved in with me after only three months of dating. By month six things were getting a little shaky. Peej didn't do drugs which really helped me to stop, so we drank and ate alot instead. He was kind of a shitty drunk. Not mean or anything, but he'd get really paranoid that I was cheating on him or that I was going to leave him. He has real issues with adultery since his stupid ass father cheated for years.

PJ started going to therapy and went on meds while we were dating. (See how perfect we were for each other??) Like I said, it was such crazy times for us to be together. Our baggage totally killed our relationship.

New Year's Day 2000 is when things went down hill. He had already moved in with Sal a few blocks away, so while we hadn't broken up yet I knew it was coming. I had taken an interest to my new neighbor, who in retrospect wasn't that cool, but had one of the biggest penises I've ever seen. Girthy.

Anyways, I would never cheat on someone, but I started kind of mentally cheating on PJ. Like I'd look outside to see if Girth was on the porch or I'd go to a bar when I knew he was there. I told PJ that I think I started liking my neighbor as a sort of defense mechanism since I knew we were having problems. We talked it out, but inevitably broke up about a month later.

The break-up was probably the most painful thing I have ever, ever gone through. I stalked him, called him, wrote him letters, cried myself to sleep every night. I started doing drugs again, drank myself to oblivion, and banged like any guy that came (no pun intended) my way. I also managed to gain 30 pounds eating cheese and crackers. That's a lot of fucking cheese and crackers.

I swear on my softball glove (prize possession), that I lost about five months of my life after the break-up. April to August was one big fucking blur. I had started going to therapy and on Zoloft at some point, but I was drinking and popping pills on top of the anti-depressants that I know I really fucked myself.

By September I quit therapy and took myself off the meds. I still partied alot, but no where near as much as I had that summer. It's funny, I don't know how many times I saw PJ before I graduated. I still can't believe that was 7 years ago.

The last time I saw him or Sal was I think Christmas 2002. Peej was really weird and actually kind of mean. It was pretty shitty now that I'm thinking about it.

I talk to Sal about twice a year. He's a rabid Mets fan, so ever since I moved to the city we always said we'd go to a game together. I called him last week and it turned out we were both going to the game today. They lost, 9-6. It sucked.

Sal hasn't mentioned PJ to me on the phone in probably 3 years. He doesn't offer, I don't ask. I thought Sal would have told me if PJ was going to the game today. I mean I know it's been over four years since I've seen them, but still, a warning would have been nice.

Yeah, no. I ran up to Sal and gave him a huge hug before I realized PJ was standing next to him. I looked at him and my heart sank. He looked exactly the same with that big toothy smile I used to love to see every day and his awesome freckles bursting off his face. We hugged and the three of us chatted like old friends do. Where do you work, where do you live, how's your family? We only talked for about twenty minutes before the game started. We left with a hug, kiss on the cheek, and a see ya soon, most likely at Sal's BBQ this summer.

I was still in shock when I got to my seat. My friends asked if I was okay and I really didn't know what I was. It wasn't until I got home that it really hit me. My eyes kept welling up, but tears didn't come out until I spoke to Rockstar. She saw her ex last summer and put words to what I was feeling. She said it's like no time had passed, that everything comes flooding back and your whole life since then was somehow erased. She was right. It was like I didn't live in NY, didn't have a great apartment, didn't have wonderful family and friends, didn't work for an awesome Company. It was the summer of 2000 all over again and that wound was deeper than ever.

It was Rockstar's voice that snapped me out of it. She is my life now, the Petes are my life, NY is my life. Once I came back to me, I felt ten times better.

Now that it's been a few hours I can understand why I was so upset. Sure, it's always jarring unexpectedly seeing a blast from the past let alone an ex-boyfriend. I cried because I haven't had a boyfriend in 7 years. I cried because I haven't loved anyone since PJ. Sure I "loved" Softball Pat, Ohio John, Red and Donovan, but they were never PJ.

It took me 4 years to get over our 10 month relationship. The one summer I heard he had a girlfriend I bought a vibrator and banged two guys at the Beer Garden. Not kidding.

I didn't ask if PJ was dating someone. I'm as extremely NOT dating as one can be. In fact I think I'm negative (+/-) dating at this point; I still have that eharmony account but haven't checked it in three weeks.

I cried because I was damaged goods for so long and even though I really want a boyfriend I am still trapped in my old dating rut. Sure I'm not sleeping around anymore, but I haven't even tried to meet anyone. I'm sure it would have been weird seeing PJ if I was married or proactively dating, but I probably wouldn't have gotten upset though.

I no longer think I'm doomed to roam the Earth alone like the Incredible Hulk, but damn, I really hope I find someone who I love as much as PJ and vice versa...multiplied by a zillion.

UGH where are you you football-superhero-beer-Jackson Five-loving freckled fuckface?? I'm waiting!!