Thursday, August 23

Fish Drinking

I'm still drunk from last night.  I woke up on MDLL's couch shirtless with my arms crossed over my chest vampire style.

I'd say I had at least ten vodka drinks. I've always been a binge drinker so this is nothing new.  The difference is when I was able to drink beer I'd get really full and bloated, which would make me stop.  Sure I could still toss back a dozen brews in one sitting, but at some point my tummy flagged me.  Now that I don't have stomach issues anymore, I've lost my off switch and keep drinking like a fish until I pass out.

I don't really like to talk about my drinking problem.  Even typing that sentence was hard.  I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but if the label has crossed my mind I must be one.  Normal people don't drink every day, don't drink alone, and definitely don't drink as excessively as I do.  It's worse now that I'm back on the anti-depressants, too.  I could probably drink for days on them...

So what do I do?  Do I go to AA?  I don't want to give up drinking for good. Is that sad?  I love the bar life, I like a good buzz, and I always have a good time.  I just can't seem to keep it in check.

I was pretty upset yesterday before I went out.  The scale said 180.  This morning it was back to 175.  I'm so fucking disappointed with myself.  I can't believe after my health struggles last year I went right back to my bad habits, drinking until I blackout and gaining all of my weight back even without eating bread.

I am out of control.  I know I am.  It's hard to admit this to myself.  I make such an effort to be nice to others, but I never seem to be nice to myself.  I don't like how I feel about me right now.  The joke is I really like how I feel when I'm fucked up.  My life is awesome, so I don't I drink to escape anymore. I think it's because I'm good at it.  I'm good at being fucked up, I'm fun when I'm fucked up, and I really just enjoy the carefree happy vibes I feel when I'm fucked up.  Sadly I later feel regret and embarrassed, not because I did anything wrong, but because I'm ashamed I am slowly killing myself and the few brain cells I have left.

This is a much heavier post than I thought it would be. 

I need to learn moderation.  HA HA!!  I'm sorry, but that seriously made me laugh out loud.  I've NEVER moderated a damn thing in my life.  I like blue, my whole apartment is blue. I love MDLL, I love the SHIT out of MDLL.  I feel I think I write I talk I emote I yell I fuck I sunburn I I I I I...I do everything big and loud and FUCKING EXTREME.  It's who I am.  Of course I drink to excess because I do everything to excess.  Everything but healthy things, apparently.

SHITBALLS.  I'm really pissed at myself now.  I had a great time last night from what I remember, but now I just feel like an asshole.  Thank Shizza MDLL takes care of me.  What the fuck did I do when I was single and drunk out of my mind???  Oh Oreos and shit my brains out.

I need help.

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