SEEKING SWM

A guy who looks exactly like Chris Pratt - sexy, gingerish, bulging, hunk of a man.




























Must be:

available - not married, separated, damaged from divorce, or with girlfriend but "having problems"
33-45ish
loving
caring and kind
funny - cracks me and others up
smart
honest
loyal
assertive and driven without being a dick about it
responsible and mature in ways that matter ie job, home, finances, family, relationships, etc.
interested in new life experiences
makes friends easily
enjoys being social
a good communicator
ready for marriage and open to having children
politically open-minded, although leans to the left on social issues
religiously open-minded

Must like:

movies, especially action ones
sports, especially football and baseball
comics or at least superheroes in general
drinking but not a drunk...well not a worse drunk than me
trying new activities (so many activities!)
living in NYC
the color blue

Me, now.

Love Wounds

The AQ girls and I went to brunch on Saturday, then kept drinking for ten more hours.  It was a blast, per usual!! 

Also per usual, I saw MDLL.  He texted me around 10pm or so saying he really needs to talk and wanted to see me.  It sounded urgent (as urgent as a text can sound), so I told him to meet me at my place. 

This was dumb.

I woke up around 8am. He was in bed lying next to me. I was like, "MDLL, what the fuck happened last night?"  The only thing I remembered was poorly rolling a joint.  Ever wipe and find twisted toilet paper strands in your undies next time you go to the bathroom?  That's what my joint looked like.

He came over to tell me he loves me, misses me, and wants to get back together.  I told him no.

I'm done. Super done. It breaks my heart that we didn't work out, but I can't do this anymore.  We are broken up and we need to start acting like it. Each time we speak or hang out we have to breakup all over again. Our wounds will never heal at this rate. We're picking the scab, then pouring salt on it. It's horrible.

I'm not sure what to do.  I don't want to ignore his calls or be mean. I don't want to avoid Crazy Ass, although I do make a point of going there when I know he won't be.  If there was a way to speed up the healing process I would do it for the both of us.  Relationship Neosporin, if you will.

I love MDLL as I do an old friend.  I don't feel IN love with him anymore. I hate the line, but I really don't know any other way to describe how I feel right now.

I want to be with someone who spazzes out over life, love, and me.  MDLL is too passive to spaz out over anything. While I appreciate his calming demeanor and want someone who is my rock, I also want someone who is fun-nuts like I am.  Okay, maybe I'm nuts-nuts, but you know what I mean.

FUN-NUT! WHERE ARE YOU? I WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOUR FACE!

I'm up I'm up!!

Two weeks after a depressing start to the new year, I feel AWESOME.  Awesomely awesome.  It's the pattern for manics, updownupdownupdown.  I'm going to cherish this "up" while I have it.

In therapy yesterday I cried my eyes out about MDLL.  It was a great release.  I've said this before and you have no reason to believe me, but it really does feel like his chapter of my life is over. I'm back to going after my Taco Lobster, the he-me or He-Thighs, and I can't wait to meet him. 

I look at my couple friends and I'm SO incredibly fortunate to say they all mesh extremely well.  They inspire me to keep looking and give me the hope and confidence I desparately need to not give up.  Thanks, you!

Working from home is now my new favorite thing.  I LOVE IT.  I'm sure it will suck if I have another lonely week, but right now it fucking rules.  I put in my time ON my time, meaning I'm not strapped to a straight eight hour work day.  Of course this means I can easily work over eight hours, but I'm okay with it.  I like my projects and I'm having fun re-learning an app called Qlikview, which funnily enough I was first introduced to way back in my Company days.  It's amazing how life comes full circle.

My apartment is clean, my fridge is stocked, my dishes are done, and I'm saving at least $15 a day by not buying lunch or coffee.  I talk to myself, dance around, and smile a helluva lot more than I did at Minnow with my waste-of-space bosses.

Consulting is the best fit for someone who hates stupidity, authority, and worst of all, stupid authority.  It's also great if you are a social person who likes working alone.  Sounds like an oxymoronish thing, but it's not.  I love team work and brainstorming, but I also love doing discovery and cranking shit out on my own without a boss like Tennis looking at me like a dog - head cocked to one side, blank yet confused stare, and some slobber.

Tonight I'm heading to Doll's to celebrate Rage and Brawny's birthdays. I've been on a museum kick lately, so I might try and hit MOMA beforehand because it's free Friday evenings. Oooo, remind me to share my thoughts on some of the exhibits I saw this month.

I have brunch plans both Saturday and Sunday, one with the Astoria gals and another with my Company gals. Other than that I am free, which is nice.  Monday's a holiday for Biz, but not for any of my clients, so I will be working as needed. 

I'm more inclined to post when I'm feeling down or need to get things off my chest, so this year I'm making a point to share my positive up days.  Life is good, it's Friday, and I am happy.  YAY!

Tom's of Maine

A few months ago I made the switch from regular toothpaste to Tom's of Maine natural toothpaste.  I read most toothpastes may have sugar or at least a bit of saccharin in them, so I decided to ditch the old stuff and go hippie.  I love it.  Whenever I use regular toothpaste it tastes gross now.

I started using Tom's Naturally Dry anti-perspirant and deodorant a while back as well.  I don't remember having an opinion about it, so I'm assuming it was fine.  I ran out of it a few weeks ago and accidentally grabbed their Long Lasting Deodorant, rather than the sweat reducing one.

WELL.

About 3-4 hours after applying their "deodorant", I smell like I'm storing Blimpies in my armpits.  It is awful.  I've always been a big sweater since puberty.  I was the kid in class who had huge sweatpockets or smelled waaaaaayy too much like Secret because I was afraid I stunk.  Oddly enough I only remember getting made fun of about it once, but that one time was enough.

In college my doctor prescribed me Drysol, a hardcore anti-perspirant for excessive sweaters.  You apply the roll-on liquid before bed and to ensure it stays put, they recommend you wear a tight t-shirt or SARAN WRAP YOUR PITS.  I believe I saran wrapped once. I felt like Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes.  Actually, I'm surprised I never created the whole dress...

 

My word Drysol burns, especially if you get it on the non-pit part of your underarm.  It friggin works though, probably because it's cauterizing your sweat glands.  A new Thighs was born - a pitstain free one who now extended her whole arm out to flag the bartender rather than timidly try to get his attention with a T-rex reach.

I'm not sure how long I used Drysol...maybe 4 or 5 years?  I never really had the excessive pit-sweat problem after that, but I'm sure that has more to do with being on thyroid medication now. You know, because everyone over 30 LOOOOVES blaming their thyroid for things.  I still sweat a lot when it's hot out or I'm exercising (??), but on a normal day I don't have to worry about raising my arm and looking like a band teacher.  Example*:

That said, it is now apparent I need to wear both anti-perspirant and deodorant AND ditch the natural stuff.  If I smell like processed meats, I might as well use processed odor protection.

This post was written for anyone who had the unfortunate experience of smelling me as of late. SORRY!  I bought two boxes of Secret Clinical Strength yesterday. You're welcome.



*Yes, a normal day is me pretending to get balloon splooge in my eye.

Dream: Our Wedding Day

My parents, extended family, and friends from throughout my life were standing outside, within the outer wall of a big fort/castle type of building.

I was getting dressed inside the fort in a nearby room, one that kept switching between my grandmother's bedroom and a hotel room.  It was my wedding day. My outfit switched between jeans and a long white tunic, to a white flowy top and pants men would wear in the desert.  My mom came in, but I don't recall what she said.

I looked at myself in the mirror.  My veil was short and white with blue beaded and gemmed tassles dangling down the front like dreadlock bangs.  The neckline of my white shirt also had blue beads and gems. Both my veil and shirt clashed with the huge tacky blue earrings I was wearing, so I took them out. 

Hanging on a nearby rack was my mom's wedding dress and accessories.  I took the beaded veil off and put on my mother's flower crown, which was yellowed from age.  I hoped she would like that I was wearing it.

I cried the whole time I was getting ready.  All I kept thinking was, "I don't love MDLL. I don't want to marry him."  I sobbed and sobbed.

When I got outside my dad gave me a hug.  I told him I didn't want to go through with the wedding.  He said it was too late now.  A friend came over, but I don't know who she was as her face was blurry. I believe it was an acquantaince from high school (Becky Pepe, maybe?), which is odd because we weren't close.  She hugged me and said, "It will all be okay. You DO love each other, it's just really hard right now."

As I approached MDLL he wiped his eyes. I couldn't tell if he was crying because he loved me or didn't want to get married either. We had been fighting every day up until the wedding.  I was afraid he would leave me at the altar, yet I wished I had the guts to leave him there.

The ceremony took one second.  We were married, but we didn't see each other for a couple of days. I finally called him.  I said, "Husband?"  He answered, "Wife?" I smiled, my heart filling with love for him like the old days.

No need to analyze this dream, huh?  Welcome to my subconscious, friends. It's a hoot in there!!

Happy New Year!

I finally feel like writing. Joy for you!!

January 1st - 6th

After a splendid NYE in Times Square at Rock and Row's apartment, followed by bar hopping and diner eating until 5:30am with Gerf, I barely moved from my couch on New Year's Day.  I watched 10 hours of Homeland.  TEN. HOURS.  Then shit went, well, not okay.

I became uber depressed that week.  I haven't been really down in a very long time.  I'm still not sure what happened and I'm fine now, but it was not good.  Some ideas:

1.  My PMS depression seems to be getting worse with age.  You would think being on Auntie D would help, but it doesn't.  I looked up some ways to reduce the effects of PMS naturally, which is eating right, exercising, and taking vitamins.  Basically the cure for all ailments. I am going to be very diligent about taking care of myself next cycle to see if it helps.

2.  I work from home now, so I was pretty lonely.  Not a great feeling when I'm already down.

3.  This might sound silly, but the last two episodes of Homeland Season 1 bothered me.  

**SPOILER ALERT! Skip to point 4 if you haven't seen it or Juniper will yell at me.** 

Without giving too much away, a character is gaslighted.  The first time I heard this term was watching All My Children with my mom.  Chandler set Dixie up to believe she was trying to kill their baby by planting ripped up baby clothes and some other shit around the house. Eventually she went crazy, although I'm not sure how the story ended.  Knowing soap operas, it's probably still going on 25 years later.

Anyways, gaslighting scares the fuck out of me.  It's hard enough to trust I'm not already going nuts sometimes, so to have a person scheme to do it to me is horrifying.  The show was unsettling.

4.  I'm officially 190 pounds, the heaviest I've ever been.  I definitely look fatter and my clothes don't fit, but strangely enough my thigh muscles feel big and strong. Maybe the fat is underneath them? Who knows?  Talk about a yo-yo diet, huh?

5.  Last but not least, the inevitable MDLL part.  I was DEVASTATED after NYE.  I felt worse about our breakup and failed relationship than I ever had before.  I kept telling myself to just get through the holidays and football, so when both ended (the Giants and Steelers aren't in the playoffs) I guess my armor fell and I felt everything. I cried for five days straight until I decided I needed to see him that Sunday.

I made an excuse to get the rest of my stuff - a scarf, hair dryer, and beach umbrella. Critical things I can't live without. obviously.  Long story short there were the usual tears, hugs, professions of love, sex, fun, laughs.  We had a good night.

January 7th - 12th

The next morning I got my period and my depression immediately went away.  It's true it could have been the sex or seeing MDLL, but I don't think so.  Every month is the same thing lately; the minute I get my period I'm fine.

Monday through Wednesday I was up in Rochester working with Iron. It was a nice and productive visit!!  The rest of the week was pretty low-key (I think), at least until Saturday.  I went to the salon to get my hair bleached back to blonde.  I'm done with the red.  Wait, did I share my red hair thoughts??? 

The first time I went red I was 19. Shortly after I dyed it I met Psycho Joe, my first boyfriend.  I went back blonde, we broke up, the end.  What's interesting is the three times I've gone red since then were always when my heart ached - PJ and I had a lot of problems, a guy I liked got married, and now when MDLL were slowly breaking up.  While I've always been attracted to redheads, I seem to dye my own hair red when I want to feel attractive or not feel like myself.  I guess most people change their appearance after a breakup, so it's nothing new.  The pattern of my gingerness just never occurred to me before.

The stylist was able to get my hair to strawberry blonde for now.  I like it a lot, so I'm happy not being my natural color just yet.  When I came home I BAKED.  I was inspired to make gluten-free bacon and apple cider biscuits for Bacon's bacon party.  They came out awful, but I USED MY OVEN ALL BY MYSELF!! Yayayayayayayayayay!!  After that I went to Megkefel's son Henry's birthday party, the bacon party, and a bar where I met some Albania men who bought me a drink and tried to get me to go to some shitty euro-snobby club in the neighborhood.  I declined.  It was a super fun action packed day!

January 13th

Sunday was another delightful day of brunch and a movie with Juniper and Jarv.  Later that night MDLL came over again.  This time it was not great.

I haven't wanted to write or talk about him much because it's all the same shit.  Plus, why would anyone believe we're still broken up or he's truly processing his divorce at this point?  Well fuck it, I need to talk about it.  Here are my problems:

1.  I don't understand how I could love him more than anything, then fall out of love with him

2.  I don't understand how he says he loves me, yet repeatedly hurt me

3.  I am afraid to get back with him

4.  I am afraid of being alone and won't be able to find my Taco Lobster

5.  I am afraid I'll run out of time before I can have a kid.  I considered asking MDLL to knock me up, just so I can have one before I'm 40.  This is stupid.

6.  I love so many things about him, but his lack of effort, drive, and interest in lifing have become dealbreakers.  I told him Sunday night I need to be with someone who takes life by the balls, throws them against the wall or gargles them in their mouth...whatever that means. My point is I need to be with someone who shares my passion for living it up, trying it out, and just doing.

7.  I'm worried asking for someone who fits the above won't have the good MDLL traits, that I'm asking too much.  Is there a loving, sensitive, kind, and generous man out there who is also driven, interested, experienced, and makes an effort to keep me and us happy?

8.  It's possible I only lusted MDLL and not loved him

9.  We know what most of my family, friends and our mutual friends think - he's a fuck up and I can do better.  How can I be with MDLL if no one really likes him??

10. I feel guilty putting my needs first when he needs a friend

January 14th - 15th

I'm having a good week despite a somewhat upsetting Sunday night.  Monday I had a meeting in the city, then went to Crazy Ass to work the rest of the day.  It was nice to be around people instead of cooped up in my apartment. Please note, by no means am I complaining about working from home!  I am SO incredibly happy to not have to deal with slobbering nosy bosses and shitty office mates.  It is a bit of an adjustment having nowhere to go in the morning, though.  I have to make a point to leave the apartment, which I did not do today.

So there you have it.  I've managed to live a lot of life the first two weeks of 2013.  Despite the first few depressing days and my MDLL confusion, right now I couldn't be happier.  Living and lifing is much better than the alternative!!

Death

I had a very lovely Christmas with my family this past weekend.  My mom only made me cry once, but that was today so at least the holiday was pleasant.

There were two uncomfortable things that happened, though.  One, I noticed how often we McGees interrupt and talk over one another.  It's horribly rude and sadly, I know I do it, too.  Luckily, most of my friends are the same way.  At least I think they are...oh shit, is that the only way you can get a word in edgewise with me?  SORRY.

Two, we were sitting at the kitchen table and my parents told Rip and I about their plans for the future.  Yada, yada, yada, then my mom mentioned "if one of us dies..." and I brainfarted.

If one of them dies.  Jesus.  Sometimes when I was really mad at them I'd wish they were dead.  That was angsty, mean, asshole shit and I regret it, especially now that they are getting older.  Granted they are still relatively younger than some of my friends' parents, my dad being 61, Mom 58, but still.

My mom's dad died at 62 from a heart attack.  He also had Alzheimer's, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with dying young.  My other grandparents died over 75.

Excluding Grandpa Crowley, if history is any indicator my parents have about 15-20 years left. I don't like this one bit.

My parents just dropped me off after we visited my aunt and uncle in Long Island.  Once I got upstairs I had this insane urge to write about their death and death in general.  Hopefully this post isn't a jinx.

I'm a believer in the afterlife, spirits, The Larger, and Heaven in the sense that when you die you are somewhere good and peaceful.  I don't really believe in Hell, although I have thought maybe Earth is hell and you just keep coming back until you are a good person. My own personal hell would be an eternity long panic attack I can't get out of. I assume most mentals would agree.  My point is I'm not worried about what happens to them after they die. I can't do anything about it, nor is there any proof as to what actually occurs, so I find comfort in believing the deceased is always with me.  Not when I'm naked, of course.

What's really bothering me is imagining my life without them.  I never thought about it before, probably because I've only felt love and a connection to them in recent years.  Once my mom started talking about their death, my heart sank and my face got sad.  Wait, what?  What do you mean you're going to die?  Worse is, ONE of you might die and then the other has to live life alone?  My parents are stupid in love with each other, if they die they both have to go at the same time.  They have to, right??

Okay say they do both die. SHIT. I am really, really sad thinking about this.  Thinking how I'll never hear my dad's booming voice, laugh, or awesome "hail a cab NYC whistle" that I can't do.  I won't be able to call my mom and tell her about my day or hear her insane one-liners and weird noises, two quirks I'm extremely happy were passed down to me.  The both of them are silly bozos and I love it. I love them.

I guess this is what I really wanted to write about.  Not death, but life.  My parents' lives are full of love, passion, crazy, pain, laughter, more crazy, fun, everything.  It's not always easy to be around my mom, but I can't imagine not being ABLE to be around her or my dad. Blerg.

I love my parents. I love my brother. I love my family. I love my friends.

Writing this post helped me uncover a self-truth....What I fear most about death is living with a broken heart.

The end.

Apocalypse Wow

Per Wikipedia:

An apocalypse (Ancient Greek: ἀποκάλυψις apocálypsis, from ἀπό and καλύπτω meaning 'un-covering'), translated literally from Greek, is a disclosure of knowledge, hidden from humanity in an era dominated by falsehood and misconception, i.e., a lifting of the veil or revelation, although this sense did not enter English until the 14th century.^[1] In religious contexts it is usually a disclosure of something hidden In the Revelation of John (Greek Ἀποκάλυψις Ἰωάννου, Apocalypsis Ioannou), the last book of the New Testament, the revelation which John receives is that of the ultimate victory of good over evil and the end of the present age, and that is the primary meaning of the term.

I never thought the world was going to end.  It still could today, but I prefer not to think it will.  Instead I like the definition of apocalypse from above.  I also heard it defined as an "uncovering of truths".  Me likey.

Interestingly enough, I did have an experience last night that could have marked hell freezing over, pigs flying, or life as we know it ending.  MDLL surprised the shit out of me.

DISCLAIMER - We are not back together. If we get back together one day it will NOT be until well after his divorce is final.

We are both struggling with this breakup, especially on Sundays.  One of us contacts the other almost every week after the 4pm football games.  We don't say much, although this week we decided to meet Wednesday night for a pre-Christmas drink. 

Beforehand I went out with work friends to celebrate my last day (today!) at the midtown client office.  Naturally I got hammered.  By the time I got to Crazy Ass I was starving and exhausted, so I stayed long enough to inhale a plate of nachos and down three waters.  I actually showed some self-control!! We hugged, said Merry Christmas, and I went home.

About an hour later he texted me saying he's really glad I stopped by.  I wrote something along the lines of me too, this is hard, and I miss my best friend.  I also wrote that it hurts he's not fighting to get me back, but I know it's not his style so I'm trying not to take it personally.  He never responded.

Yesterday was a crazy, but great day.  I went from the midtown client to therapy to Stevie's firm for an awesome meeting, then went home and kept working for a couple of hours.  MDLL's flight to Pittsburgh was in the afternoon, so I figured he had landed when I was done working at 7pm. I imagined him getting off his flight, hugging his dad, then bursting out into tears because he loves me and fucked everything up for no reason. Hey, it's my fantasy!!

I thought this as I was leaving my apartment to buy Rippie a Christmas gift.  When I got downstairs, MDLL was standing there, suitcase in hand.  SHOCKED.  Absolutely shocked.  He's NEVER done anything like this before, never just showed up at my door, never really surprised me romantically with random gifts or appearances. I've imagined coming home from work and him waiting for me on my stairs, but I knew that was never going to happen.

But it did.  Hell is Hoth right now.

It turns out his flight was delayed for a few hours, then he and a bunch of other people missed it because there was no announcement when it finally boarded.  He was livid.  I don't blame him.

On the bus ride home from LGA, he thought of me. His gut said to come to my apartment immediately.  This is crazy because MDLL is not impulsive.  He overthinks things until he's paralyzed, unable to take action. (See divorce.) 

I kept thinking it was a dream.  I thought the Mayans were giving me one last night with him before we were wiped out of existence.  I thought it was one big acid flashback and I imagined the whole thing.  Apparently it was real.

I'm still in shock.  I don't know what to think or feel, so I'm not going to do either for a few days.  My disclaimer holds true - we are NOT getting back together nor our we "faking" a break up but still going to hang out all the time.  We both acknowledge our struggles and sadness are more intense due to the holidays and football (dorks), so we're cutting each other some slack right now.  Instead of beating myself up or over-analyzing what happened, I'm going to remember last night for what it was at face value:

My ex-boyfriend showed a little fight and romantic surprise. Obviously it was too little too late, but I'm going to cherish the moment because he finally went out of his way for me to show he cared.  That's all I ever wanted from him.

Thanks for the Christmas gift, MDLL.

Kids, Guns, Mentals Part 2

My previous post was written before the horrific shooting in Connecticut.

In Therapy Thursday the day before, I discovered my intense longing to meet my daughter Lauren Marie was more about me than her.  I imagined Lauren being everything I wasn't free to be as a child due to my emotional issues, low self-esteem, boob saga, weight problems, and abusive experiences, both verbally from my mom and physically with my cousin.

I pictured Lauren to be more than a free-spirit. She'd be a light, a rainbow, bringing joy to everyone she met.  She'd be creative, wildly artistic, and dress herself in mismatched clothes and tutus.  If she had emotional issues like me, I'd do my best to understand her and get her the help she needed. I'd hug her every night and tell her I love her over and over again, so she never felt alone or unwanted. In other words, I'd make damn sure she didn't have any of the same struggles I had growing up.

I realized this person I wanted to create wasn't my daughter. It was me.  It was my inner child.  I was subconsciously planning to live vicariously through Lauren rather than be the person I want to be or let her be the person she wants to be. For a moment I understood pageant moms.

Once I figured this out, my biological clock stopped ticking so loudly. I'd still like to be a mom one day, but the intense and suffocating urgency I felt the week before is gone.

Friday morning I was ecstatic. I was all ready to write about this with the awesomely gross title of "I'm pregnant with myself!".  Then the whole world went to shit.

My heart breaks for the families, teachers, fellow students, and friends of the victims.  I am disgusted, terrified and absolutely saddened by this horrible tragedy.  I hope they find solace, peace, and closure one day. I am putting all the faith and love I have out into the universe to hopefully ease some of their grief. I am so sorry for their loss.

Having spent the last couple of weeks thinking about motherhood, I now find my thoughts about it scattered and confused.  I cannot imagine being a parent at all right now.  I don't think I can handle the devastating pain of losing a child, the guilt and fear of giving birth to a monster, or worse, nurturing him to be one. 

There are two positive things hopefully coming out of this horrific event, one of them being a spotlight on mental healthcare.  Obviously I love therapy and am familiar with psychology, but many people aren't.  The masses need to understand there are many types of mental illness and need to be able to identify which ones are a danger to society. 

The usual description of a murderer is quiet, withdrawn, and anti-social. Well, that could also describe nerds and gamers.  The important thing to take note of is a person's disposition - Are they violent?  Do they hurt animals?  Do they "turn" like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?  Society can blame the media all the want, but it seems to me the real problem is when warning signs aren't addressed.  Again this is due to not knowing what the signs are in the first place. Hint - If you're afraid of someone, there's a reason.

The other positive?  Gun control.  Sorry NRA lovers, but this shit is fucking ridiculous. I've shot guns in a controlled environment. It was fun until I realized there is no reason to shoot a gun OTHER THAN TO KILL.  A while ago, probably after Aurora, I had a Facebook conversation with a high school friend.  He explained he owns guns because he lives in an area of South Carolina where help wouldn't reach him in time, should he need it.  I guess I can understand this to a point, but why live in such a secluded area then?  I live in NYC and I feel safer here than I do most other cities.  Maybe I'm living in a bubble, but I sure as hell don't feel the need to carry a gun to feel secure.

I'm starting to think Americans don't actually want to feel safe.  Or maybe its we don't know HOW to feel safe. We've grown accustomed to living in fear because that's what we're told to do.  The bible says to live in fear of God.  The government says to live in fear of terrorists.  Bigots say to live in fear of The Other - blacks, muslims, hispanics, gays, etc.  The media says to live in fear of toilets, plastic, and vitamins. We are a country of pussies when you think about it.  We fear everything we don't understand, which ironically IS everything.

I hope the victims of the four (!??!) mass murders we've had this year did not die in vain.  We need to make some changes in this country if we are going to survive.  Gun control and affordable mental healthcare are on the top of my list. I hope they are on Obama's too.

Peace, Love, Unity, Respect. PLUR.

Kids, Guns, Mentals Part 1

Written Monday, 12/10/12:

For the past few days I've been crushed with sadness by the idea I may run out of time before I get to have a kid.  This stupid fucking article I stupidly fucking read today has kicked me while I was already down.

I know that even if MDLL and I stayed together there was no guarantee we would/could have kids any time soon.  It just seems highly unlikely I'm going to meet someone in the timeframe necessary to date, fall in love, marry, and then put a baby in my belly before I'm 40.

Ironically, I don't actually WANT to be pregnant.  The idea of having something grow inside me other than a big fat deuce freaks me out, as does the toll it takes on the body and mind.  This is why I always figured I'd adopt, because not only am I helping care for a child in need, I also get to keep my current manageable level of crazy and my tiny size 14 ass. I want the baby without the pre-birth work, I guess.

The article is about the negative impact waiting to procreate has on the child's health and society as a whole.  The latter never occurred to me, so I'm still a bit stunned by what I read.  An obvious one is the chance that an older parent will die when the kid is still young.  This seems pretty obvious, however, add in the odds the kid may have developmental issues and now doesn't have parents to help them through life makes this pretty scary too...

You know what, don't read the article. It's fucking horrible, especially if you've recently broken up with your first adult love and are turning 35 in less than three months.

Most people jump to the conclusion that if a woman waits to have children it's because she is focused on her career and determined to "have it all".  Maybe this is true for some, but for me, it had nothing to do with my professional goals.  It has to do with two important things:

1. I was not emotionally and mentally capable of being a mother in my 20s

2. I was SINGLE.  Er, AM single.

I'm sorry, but I don't think there's anything feminazi about wanting to wait until I find love AND feel like I'd be a good mother.  Why aren't these things acknowledged and discussed?

No, instead I'm Diane Keaton before Elizabeth was dumped in her lap in Baby Boom.

I am quite happy to be where I am in life. Sure, there are things I regret, but becoming a single unfit mother is definitely not one of them.

This sucks.

Heart aerobics

Whoever created panic attacks is a dickcunt.  They usually feel like heart attacks, which just makes me panic more!!

All day my heart has been jumping out of my chest.  I thought it was the iced coffee, then I thought it was because I hadn't really eaten (I had a Kind bar at 10am then nothing until 3pm), then I thought I was dying, and now I realize I'm just mental.

Today was another super slow one at the midtown client's office, so per usual I was on Facebook.  I allowed myself to hulk out over some stupid Ben Stein religious/political/moronic rant, to only find out it was bullshit.  That was two hours ago and I still can't seem to get my Irish down!!

GAHAHGHGHAHHAHRAGERAGERAGEBLOODBOILINGIMUSTEATMYFIST

Truthfully I know why I'm so angry. It's misplaced frustration with my family and MDLL.  It's been another hard week of feeling down, so to take a break from the sad, I turned into mad.  This is subconscious of course, but at least I am aware of it when it happens.

I had a really great therapy session last night.  I cried a lot of the pain out, then focused on my disappointment for reverting back to my self-medicated ways of eating, drinking, and charging to excess.  I've mentioned my 20 pound weight gain and my fish-drinking, but I haven't come clean about the extra $5K I charged this year.  I got my $42K debt down to $17K and now it's back up to $22K.  I'm perturbed with myself.

I know I was doing these things because they are my lifelong coping mechanisms, but it bothered me how fast all three came back.  It bothered me until therapy when Cee helped me say this:

"I ran back to the things I'm familiar with because I was in unfamiliar territory."

Unfamiliar territory.  I love this phrase and it totally sums up where I've been for the past year, maybe more.  This is why I cherish therapy - while I can know the reason I do or feel things it takes a special way of hearing myself say it to hit home.

Being in love, being loved, commiting to MDLL, wanting a future with him, balancing the stress the relationship caused with my family and friends. It was all unfamiliar territory.  I ran back to what was familiar because I needed the balance to survive it.  Obviously I reverted back to my bad habits, but there were some positive ones too.  I'm reading more comics, watching more movies, writing in my journal, and enjoying art again.  It's nice to have those things back!

Falling off the wagon is nothing new.  People do it all of the time.  The good news is I am ready to get back on and get my shit in order again!!!

Heart aerobics over!!

Everything else!

Non-lovelife post...

Things are going really well otherwise!!  I'm having a great time hanging with my buds, reading comics, watching movies, exploring NYC, and chillin' out.  AND CHRISTMAS IS COMING!! WOO HOOOO!!

I somewhat begrudingly resigned my lease yesterday.  I had it in my head I wouldn't be living in Delilah next year, so I was a little bummed.  I could have moved to a new apartment on my lonesome, but that would be silly.  I like my place, the location rules, and the price is right.  Not really worth the moving stress, so instead I decided to upgrade my living room furniture! Out with the hand-me-downs and college crap and in with adulthood!

Another reason for not moving is work.  The L.A. client is still on the table for Jan/Feb and now there's another client in Seattle that may hire Biz.  Fingers crossed!  Last week I found out the midtown client I've been at for two years (!!) is not renewing our contract.  It makes sense because there's not much to do at this point, hence the Facebooking and blogging during downtime.  My last day here is the 21st and I am SO glad.  The fun and interesting work I am doing at Stevie's firm (yay!) highlights the fact that I am ready for new opportunities and change.

What else...ah, health.  Yesterday I didn't feel well, like someone poured battery acid into my esophagus and it boiled in my tummy.  I'm guessing it was a gastritis flare up and not gluten related.  It was probably all of the boozing I did since Thursday plus the stressful conversations I had over the weekend.  I ate pretty light, drank a ton of fluids, and popped some Tums.  I feel MUCH better today, but still a little sore.  I have a lot of fun plans coming up, but I definitely need a break from the crazy marathon drinking and 2am spicy chorizo tacos!!

What are my fun plans?  I will tell you:

Tonight - Dinner with Spags, Socks, and Bacon

Tomorrow - Life of Pi with Juniper

Thursday - Therapy!  It is saving me....

Friday - Stevie's Birthday Party!

Saturday - Bring It On the Musical with the crew, I think.  I was supposed to go to my cousin's holiday party in NJ, but I don't want to see my parents and field questions about MDLL. Later on I'll hopefully meet up with Rolo who is in town this weekend. Yay!

Sunday - Visiting Furball in the Boogie Down

Phew. So much fun to be had, but now I need a nap!

Watch your step when exiting the ride.

The public text shaming worked!  I did not contact MDLL at all last week, even when I was shitfaced Thursday through Saturday.  I went to Crazy Ass for happy hour on Friday because he doesn't usually get there until around 11pm.  Juniper made sure we left by 10:30pm so I wouldn't see him. SCORE.

HE called ME last night though.  I miss him a lot and I wanted to hear his voice earlier in the day, but I stopped myself from calling.  I realized I have nothing to say at this point.  It turns out he didn't really have anything to say either.  Somehow we still managed to stay on the line for an hour and a half, neither of us wanting to be the one to say good-bye.  I eventually did and it sucked.

Last Wednesday I talked to my parents for a bit as I left the office. I was having a really rough day and just wanted them to say something nice to me.  My dad did exactly that and I felt much better. Unfortunately when I got out of the subway tunnel a few minutes later there was a SCATHING voicemail from him, basically telling me to get over it and to move on and that this was all my fault.

I didn't speak to my parents until Saturday when my mom reiterated the idea I am to blame.  I'm the one who pushed MDLL to be with me, who ignored all of the red flags, who pursued a man who didn't love me.  It was awful.  She even brought up the time I flew to Chicago to hang out with that guy Fish, even though they advised against it.  She said my heartache is self-inflicted because I have no self-respect. Thanks mom.

Look, I know I am stubborn, thick-headed, dramatic, and over-the-top, but you know what?  For the first time in my life I'm proud I'm these things.  I've certainly reeled it in a lot compared to the shit I pulled in my 20s, hell even shit I pulled two years ago, but this is me.  And I like me.  I really like me.  Yes I should do this and should not say that and blah blah blah...fuck off.  There are very few things I regret in my life and NONE of them are in regards to love.  I've screwed around, I've cried, I've fought, and now I've loved someone more than I thought I ever could love someone.  What point is there to regret any of my past experiences if they all brought me to now?  Yes, now is painful, but I know I need to feel this way to grow.

Let's just say I took everyone's advice about MDLL a year ago.  You know what would have happened?  I would have missed out on all of our happy, fun, and loving moments, on our deep connection, on amazing sex.  I would have missed out on all of the close friendships we made together with the other Crazy Ass barflys.  I still wouldn't know I am a good girlfriend and am capable of having a serious relationship, nor would I have come to the conclusion I am ready for marriage and want to be a mother one day. 

And when would the advice taking stop?  Would I feel the need to follow someone else's advice for my next relationship?  Fuck that.  I am a strong and independent woman, just like my mom always wanted.  I may be a pain in the ass and it's probably hard to watch me fail, but with every failure I am that much closer to success.  I will not apologize for taking life by the balls and living the shit out of it.

That being said, I have learned who I can share certain things with, and let's face it, my parents are not those people.  I know they love and worry about me, but they have no idea how to manage being on the sidelines watching me score or fumble.  I have to figure out the balance between inviting them to games versus only showing them the highlight reels.

Where does this leave everything?  My parents and I will get through it because they are my family and I'm not going to ditch them now.  They are just being dicks at the moment.  MDLL misses me, loves me, and wants to get back together.  I told him it's too late, I've reached my limit.  If we were to ever try again it will have to be a long time from now when the wounds are healed and we are on the same page.  I doubt this will ever happen and I'm not even sure I want it to at this point.

Our relationship never stopped being that roller coaster. I'm ready to get off the ride and find one just as fun and exciting, but less bumpy and painful.  It will be a while before I try another, so here's hoping the park won't close before I get the chance.

Drunk text the ex

Okay, I can't believe I'm sharing this but I need to shame myself to stop drunk texting MDLL.  Here is what I wrote:

11/24, 04:17pm - "I love yousomuch! I wish you loved me enough to get shit done!"

11/24, 11:22pm - "I wasted. Wooould you like to snuggle?"

11/25, 12:51am - "I love you as a Matthew!"

11/25, 01:05am - "Home. Drunk. Missing you. Waked!"

11/25, 01:07am - "Come here?"

Sigh. I won't share his responses, but they were nice. Thankfully I was already passed out when he said he'd come over.

Slapsgiving Weekend!

Oh HIMYM...how I wish you'd fucking meet the mother already! GAH!!

My Thanksgiving weekend was excellent.  On Thursday I went to Rock and Row's for a lovely turkey and vodka feast, as well as some Dance Central with the X-Box Kinect. I'm tempted to ask Santa for one!

Friday Juniper and I went on a little boat cruise around downtown and the Statue of Liberty. It was the perfect weather for it, too!!  Afterwards we had a delicious meal at JJ's, my favorite sushi restaurant in Astoria. I'd say all of NYC, but I've rarely given other sushi places a chance!

Saturday was jammed pack:  brunch with Megkefel and Socks in Chelsea, dinner with Breen in Forest Hills, then drinks with Hugs, Stevie, and Jarv back in the AQ.  I drank for around 12 hours straight.  It was fun, but I was deee-runk.

Sunday I did nothing.  I needed the rest. The only time I left my couch was to go food shopping. I had a hankering for a turkey sandwich.  It's still so odd to me to eat sammies again, even though gluten-free bread has been a readily available option this whole time.  In fact, I've been eating more GF pastries in general - bagels, pies, a cupcake - every once in a while.  I try to stay away though because if I don't miss the carbs, why waste the calories?

Oh calories. I hate you. I've officially gained all of my weight back, which is obviously due to the binge drinking and face-stuffing.  I finally caved and bought some new pants that actually fit versus wearing the painfully small ones.  I'm disappointed with myself, but what else is new when it comes to my weight?? 

Good news, MDLL and I are still broken up. Bad news, any time I drink I contact him.  I saw him Thursday night then drunk called/texted the rest of the weekend.  Actually I was sober Sunday when I texted him only because I had no idea what I said to him on Saturday.  I might have to hide my phone for the next few weeks.

The days I'm sober, mainly Monday - Wednesday, I am sad. Super sad. I cried last night and I'm bumming today.  To break it down:

1. I do not not NOT want to get back together with MDLL.  I really don't.  He is not the person I want to settle down with.

2. I want to settle down with someone who is everything MDLL is, as well as proactive, driven, and ready for a serious relationship.  I'm worried I'll never meet him or will have to wait another 10+ years to fall in love again.

3. I absolutely postively miss having MDLL as my best friend. It sucks not being able to text him about the Giants game or tell him about my day or just hang out and do nothing.  Last night I was watching HIMYM and thought how nice it would have been to be snuggling with MDLL on my couch.  Then I realized, no, it would just be nice to be snuggling with the guy I'm in love with, not MDLL.  I think? Whatever. Basically it sucked laying there on my own.

4. Part of me thinks I should be really pissed off at MDLL for rejecting me because, if I'm honest with myself, that's exactly what he did.  I'm not angry though.  I don't want to be angry because it's not going to do me any good.  I feel like if I'm mad it will stall all of these other emotions I eventually need to go through anyway.

5. Juniper and I discussed how it's possible MDLL is in denial about this break-up.  He probably thinks this is the same situation as our other ones and I'll come running back in a few weeks.  I will not. This is SO incredibly different. Granted, drunk dialing/texting isn't convincing him otherwise, but I'll get there. One day.

UUUGGGGHHHHHUUUGGGHHHHUUUGGGHHH.....I hate this... 

Every Thanksgiving I am grateful for my friends. Hell, every day really!  This year though I am SUPER thankful I have so many wonderful and supportive buds helping me through this break-up. I love you all!

I love my boss.**

Via text message.  First some work stuff, then....

Iron: Sounds good! You ok? [Ed note: about MDLL]

Me:  Yes, thanks!! Totally getting pumped for Christmas.

Me:  Wait...that reads poorly. Ha ha! EXCITED for Christmas. LOL!

Iron:  Me too. I am hoping to do some decorating this weekend.

Iron:  Well maybe if you are lucky you will get pumped too! Hahahhahahaha.



**It only took ten years to happen!! YAY ME!

Night Eater

In funnier news, have I mentioned I grind my teeth in my sleep?  I swear it seems worse after I went back on Auntie D, which doesn't make any sense.  I should feel calmer!

I've been wearing a mouthguard for a while now.  I don't know why, but the last few weeks have become pretty interesting...

I keep having dreams I am eating, then I wake up chewing on the guard!!  One night I dreamt I had a mouth full of spaghetti.  Last night I dreamt MDLL left an "I'm-sorry-we-broke-up-let's-be-friends" burger on my dresser.  I don't know what the hell that means, but when I saw the burger I was like "Awwww...that's so nice."  I bit into the bun wondering if it was gluten-free, decided it wasn't and spit it out.

Now that I think about it, I've had food dreams ever since I went GF. Usually I'm eating something I shouldn't like bread, pasta, cookies, etc.  I guess the mouthguard has nothing to do with it, except now I end up chewing on it.

"I'm a Mog. Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend."

Stage Guilt

MDLL and I spoke last night as a sober follow-up to my drunken call on Sunday.  It went fine, although now I feel incredibly guilty.

I know, I know...there's nothing to feel guilty about it.  I did the best I could.  I just feel bad that it wasn't enough.

I told MDLL how I feared a lifetime of kicking-and-screaming battles with him.  Moving in together, getting married, having a kid, raising the kid.  I can't shake the idea he would have called off our wedding or worse, left me at the altar.  This is horrible.

There's nothing MDLL specifically did to warrant this notion.  He is a good, caring, sensitive man with a lot of love to give.  The problem with our relationship was the things he didn't or couldn't do, which is move forward not only with me, but in general.

It hurt him to hear this. It hurts me I wasn't able to help him with whatever he's going through.  But, that's the problem too.  This whole time I've assumed he's "going through" something.  What if he's not going through anything?  What if this has always been MDLL?  Was I trying to "save" someone who never needed to be saved?  It's all so confusing. 

I love love LOVE MDLL and I absolutely want the best for him.  I hate hurting him, I hate he hurt me, and I hate we had to break-up.  I hate how I wouldn't give up on him, yet I'm very proud I tried too.  It crossed my mind I Costanza-ed him into falling for me...

"I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating. Then you hear it a few times. You're humming it in the shower. By the third date, it's 'Buy Mennen!'"

...except it took him seven months to "Buy Thighs!"

Christ, why the fuck is this so hard??  Hanging out, having fun, and loving each other was SUPER easy, but once our baggage was out in the open it was stuck on the conveyor.

I must be in the denial stage too because I can't believe we're done.  I can't believe I'm single again.  I am not looking forward to going through this with someone else, which is exactly what MDLL must be feeling when he thinks of getting remarried.

I decided I am going to be boy-free for a while.  I need some breathing room. 

Just breathe.

Obviously not okay...

I'm fine, I'm not, I'm fine, I'm not. 

I made the mistake of being planless this weekend.  Thankfully Noon was free Friday night and Stevie, Hugs, and Jarv were around yesterday.  When I was by myself, I felt lonelier than I ever have before.  I cried a lot. Big soul cries. It felt good to let it out, except when I was crying on the subway and people were looking at me. Nothing to see here, folks.

MDLL has been on my mind and in my heart for the last two years.  It's weird not having him in either place now or at least not admitting to myself he's still there.  I feel him missing. It's like wearing a hat all day, then taking it off but still feeling like it's on. 

I got wasted with the girls last night and called him.  We spoke for 40 minutes and I have no recollection of what was said.  When I sobered up at 4am in the morning I screamed NOOOOOOO! once I remembered the call. I immediately texted him an apology.  I'm such an asshole.

Juniper said I shouldn't feel badly about it.  She's right, of course.  Plenty of people drunk call their exes. I just can't make it a habit.

I'm not sure I miss him.  I probably do, but again, just pretending I don't.  I do miss having someone to love and think about, though. 

**WARNING! Overly dramatic statement alert**

My life feels so empty now.

EEEEE-EEERRRR-EEEEEE-EEEERRRR (How do you write out a siren noise?)

Sorry, I have to be a drama queen for a second. 

EMPTY, MY LIFE IS EMPTY! I HATE YOU MDLL YOU ARE THE WORST I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOVED YOU. NOW I HAVE NOTHING AND YOU ARE A SHITHEAD AND YOU PROBABLY ALREADY GOT LAID THIS WEEKEND BECAUSE I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU GREW A BEARD AND OTHER WOMEN THINK YOU ARE HOT. THIS IS NOT HELPING ME FEEL BETTER BUT THE CAPS LOCK IS MAKING ME YELL IN MY HEAD AS I TYPE THIS AND IT IS FUN. MY UNCLE JOHN ALWAYS WRITES HIS FACEBOOK POSTS IN CAPS AND IT IS SO ANNOYING TO READ. I HOPE THIS IS NOT ANNOYING.  EXCEPT I DO HOPE IT'S ANNOYING BECAUSE FUCK YOU WORLD. LIFE SUCKS.

Ha. I'm giggling. You guys, I need help.  More help than weekly therapy and 100mgs of Zoloft, apparently.  I also really need to find my inner "I've had too much" flag because I drank and ate myself (ew) into oblivion three times in the past week. At least when I drank beer I'd get full. Now that I only really drink vodka, I don't have any reason to stop.  Oh, except for my life, liver, well-being, budget, calories, etc.  Look at that, I have plenty of reasons to stop. Yay!

STOP FUCKING GETTING SO DRUNK THAT YOU CALL YOUR EX. HE IS A DICKCUNT FOR BEING A USELESS YET SEXY AND COMFORTING LAZYBALLS. I'D LIKE TO PUNCH HIM IN HIS FACE AND I WANT VISITATION RIGHTS TO CRAZY ASS BECAUSE IT WAS MY BAR BEFORE IT BECAME HIS LIVING ROOM.

I'm so angry and hungover. This is stupid. This post is stupid. Actually I like writing it though. I don't really want to stop writing, but I should do some work. I don't want to though.  I'm only working today and tomorrow and it's super quiet at the office right now so I should just keep typing long run-on sentences and stop using a period to end them becasue why stop now and why are menstruation periods called periods anyways?  I used a question mark.

 

Why is a period called a period

wiki.answers.com › ... › Health › Women's Health › MenstruationCached

 

You +1'd this publicly. Undo

It's a shorter way of saying "menstrual period" as opposed to other kinds of periods, such as orbital periods, periods of time, etc.

Thanks, Google. I HATE MDLL. I WANT LOVE. I WANT A BOYFRIEND. I WANT TO HAVE A BABY.

Yes, I am baby crazy. I am so fucking scared to have one, though. 

I really hope I meet someone awesome. Please, Shizza???