Wedhead

MDLL is going to Pittsburgh the last week of June to process his divorce!! Yay! I'm very excited and happy to move forward, yet I know it's stressing me out on some level. I can't wait to see what our relationship is like without this hanging over our heads!!

Ironically, I decided to PLAN MY WEDDING as a distraction. Yes I am crazy, but for some reason I feel this intense urge to research dresses, dates, venues, caterers, florists, everything! I'm also watching Say Yes to the Dress and Bridezilla marathons on Netflix streaming in order to get ideas on what to wear and on how NOT to act. My thoughts so far...

1. Most important - everyone has fun, especially my husband and I. Hopefully it is MDLL!

2. The only traditional things I care about is my dad walking me down the aisle and our father/daughter dance. I am going to make that sucker weep!!

3. I have a big family and a lot of friends. I want ALL of them to come. The average NY wedding costs $27K (!!), so in order to have an affordable one with 200+ people I'd like to throw an open bar, buffet style, come and go as you please, kick-ass fucking dance party at a bar in Manhattan or Astoria, not a formal sit down dinner with scheduled events. That is if the hubs will be okay with this.

4. Since I will be dancing I will be a red sweaty mess pretty early on, so the dress must be light and airy without showing perspiration. Strapless might be out because I don't want to be fidgeting with it all night, although I'm sure with the tailoring it will be fine. I'm not a flashy lady so I could see myself in something simple, but then again, maybe this is the one night I'll actually want to be flashy. TBD.

5. Curly and long for the ceremony, up-do for the reception. Again, always thinking about the sweat factor.

6. Speaking of the ceremony, I'm not religious so I will most definitely ask Laurie Sue Brockway to do the nuptials. Hopefully she'll be available! If she's not, I will get this guy from Spaceballs to do it fast:

7. No bridal party, nor does anyone have to throw me a shower. If I do have one, it will most likely be the same day as the bachelor party. Yes, I wrote "bachelor" considering it will most likely include a dive bar and naked ladies at a strip club.

8. I'm not too worried about flowers, colors, or decor, but I'm sure there will be blurple somewhere.

9. If MDLL and I do get married, I would love to have our after party at Crazy Ass, the bar where we met. Maybe.

10. Rings are in a previous post...

Ummmm, I guess that's it for now. I've never really thought about this girly shit before and I must say I am having a lot of fun with it. YES, I am nuts to think about marrying MDLL before his divorce is final. YES, this is most likely going to blow up in my face. BUT, if I learned anything in recent years it's to listen to my gut. My gut is saying to do this, have fun, be creative, and hope for the best!!

My morning (thus far)

6:30am - woke up without an alarm, half-slept, debated what to do

7:00am - jogged/walked 2.25 miles in the neighorhood

7:30am - got coffee, went on my roof to meditate and stretch

8:00am - danced around my living room with imaginary MDLL, talked to myself

8:40am - stripped for shower to get ready for work which usually takes me only 20 minutes

8:42am - saw HUGE roach/waterbug sitting on shower drain, grabbed Raid, sprayed it down proudly using only a little bit instead of my usual half a can, watched the fucker twitch and die, fumbled with dustpan trying to get the corpse up, failed, finally used a bunch of used tissues from my garbage, threw it out while screaming "ewewewewewew", realized while I only sprayed a bit the Raid was in my mouth like when you pass someone with too much perfume on, opened window, ran out of bathroom, scrubbed mouth in kitchen, took a quick Raid/water shower, dried off, went to bedroom still disgusted

8:58am - ironed shirt, dressed, put on makeup, switched purses three times, grabbed yoga gear for later, left, made daily walking-to-train-call to my mother, she complained her computer is broken and her husband who is IT desktop support has yet to fix it, I say probably because he doesn't want to work on a computer at night after 9 hours of doing the same, she rushes off the phone in a huff because she doesn't like to hear when she's being a brat

9:13am - got to subway, asked lady to combine two Metrocards so I didn't have to buy an unlimited one until later, she says one is damaged and gives me form to mail it away for a new one, I say nevermind not worth cost of stamp, she said it's free postage and your money so I should mail it anyways, I mentally roll my eyes, go to Metrocard machine, look for wallet, realize I don't have it, walk home again

9:32am - leave apartment for third time this morning, buy a Gatorade to quench my thirst and remove Raid taste from mouth, get to subway, buy unlimited Metrocard, have revelation on train that I am absolutely positively in love with MDLL and my anxiety from this week about my weight, money, everything is stemming from the fact I can't believe I finally found love and try to accept the fact I deserve to be happy

10:10am - enter work, vent to Rem about my morning, check work and personal email, start this post

11:06am - finish post, worry how my lips still feel numb and I will die from Raid poisoning

Thanks, Thighsighs.

Blogs are great for looking up the date of something...

I remembered weighing myself at Bacon's house right before I met MDLL's brother, which was January 29th.  I weighed 166 lbs during a day filled with booze and food.  This means I was probably 163 lbs in the morning.  My weight fluctuates at least 3-5 pounds from morning to night.

I've only gained five pounds in the past four months.  Why does it feel like more??  Is it because I'm working out, so it's shifting?  Now I don't feel so bad, but as you can read, I am obsessed with my weight today. 

STOP IT!!

Thar she blows.

I am a fat whale. 

Okay, no I'm not, but that's how I feel today.  Stupid pdiddy bloatedness.

I'm struggling with my body lately.  Last year I dropped the weight effortlessly, only because I was too scared to eat.  I had no idea I was only consuming 800 calories a day.  I knew I would eventually gain some weight back once I went off the yeast-free diet (which is WAY harder than going gluten-free), but I didn't think I'd get fat again!

Yesterday I weighed 166.  This is the lowest I've been sine 2005, not counting last summer's accidental anorexia.  The thing is, I FEEL it.  I feel every single pound I've gained.  I attribute this to my heightened awareness of my body, which is an amazing gift when I feel good.  Now, not so much.

This is nothing new.  I've struggled with my weight for years, wrote about it for years, whined about it for years.  I've lost and gained over and over again.  There is a difference this time around, though.  I'm exploring it as I type, so bear with me.  Stream of consciousness, GO!

i don't understand why i feel so fat righ tnow i've always been over weight but after last year it's just so upsetting to me to have body issues and the same OLD feeling of hating how i look. didn't i learn anything from last year??? life is short, good health both mental and physical is important, love myself, know thyself, as it is in heaven.  don't give me my daily bread becuase I will be glutened! Gah!! what the fuck Thighs??? you can't eat flour, beer, pasta, cupcakes, all the fattening food. what the fuck are you eating.  I will tell you.  Yesterday:

iced coffee with milk
Fage greek yogurt 2%
gluten-free Kind bar
apple
grilled chicken with mixed grilled vegetables
banana
3 rice cakes and carrots with most of a container of Sabre hummus
a bag of M&Ms

M&Ms are the new Peppermint Patties.  UGH.  I just need to work out. That's all I've ever needed!!  Get up off your lazy fat arse and move goddamn it.  Stupid idiot moron.  YOU KNOW HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT.  Why the fuck do we have to be on our "deathbed" in order to get our health in order??  Lately I've been wanting to punch fat people in the face.  Seriously!!  Who the fuck do I think I am!??!  When I see fatties walking down the street with their big gulps and limps and boulder cheek asses I want to beat them and say "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!? YOU'RE KILLING YOURSELF!" Same goes for smokers! I smoked and I loved it and it's FUCKING STUPID.  Every time a porker eats McDonald's and a smoker puffs a cig they are telling themselves they want to die. But what am I doing??  POT KETTLE BLACK, MUCH?  I may not be obese, but I'm not healthy.  My carrot, hummus, rice cake dinner is fucking stupid!  GAH! DUMB BITCH!  I hate weight, I hate clothes, I hate people who like working out only because I wish I was them.  I hate skinny-fat girls, I hate fat-fat girls, and I will always hate racists and litterers.  I'm literally and figuratively sizing up everyone I walk by because I am uncomfortable in my own skin.  And Thighs history has shown that chances of doing something about it are slim to none.  See what I did there? Fuck you!

Ahhhhh...

Sorry folks, that's how I think.  At least that's how I used to think, one big run-onish sentence.  Auntie D has helped slow the thoughts down, but ladytime sends me back into a classic Thighs nutso.

The dumb part about this is I AM active.  In the past week I've jogged twice, did zumba, went fencing (which is a suprisingly good workout), exercising throughout the day ie squats, lunges, situps, and ONE pushup/plank.  I wanted to run this morning, but slept in so I'm going to walk the 4 miles home from work.  I'll be working out all weekend, too. 

So I AM doing things, I just wish I didn't look in the mirror and feel guilty, ugly, and whaley.

I like getting my period because that means I'm not preggers, but man, some months it sure does make me hate myself.  JERK RAG!

Cindy Sherman at MOMA

The first time I heard of Cindy Sherman was exactly three years ago when I saw some of her work at the Met.

On Monday I visited her newest exhibit at MOMA.  I was blown away!!  She is an amazing photographer, designer, and visionary.  She is both the artist and the subject, using disguises and props to create a different narrative and character in each untitled photo.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Untitled 131:

Untitled 70:

Untitled 699 (I think):

Also a short film called Doll Clothes that I love, love, LOVE:

Eureka!!

I found my Target receipt!! Yay!

Good-bye POF

I deleted my Plenty of Fish account.  As much as I like to write on my blog, I hate writing online dating profiles.  This is circa 2007:


Headline: Looking for a best friend to smooch.


Description: I am a fun, creative, and passionate woman who loves to laugh and have a good time. I like writing, walking around the city, going out for drinks, going to baseball games, and watching football and movies. My life is pretty rockin' right now; the only thing missing is someone to share it with.


I'd like to meet a funny, caring guy who enjoys sports and/or comics, staying in just as much as going out, and giving good hugs. : )


Yikes.

Drag Queen

No energy, no motivation, no patience...all I want to do is go home and sleep.  This week is draaaaaaagiiiiiiiiiiing.

Oh it's Thursday?  Okay, nevermind.  Week isn't dragging.  The work days are though!  Maybe I shouldn't take off again.  Apparently I can't bounce back into the swing of things.

Let's blame post-vacation vacationhead, the weather, social media, the internet, my cuticles for being disgustingly pickable, my cellphone, and the relative quiet at work.

In other words, let's blame everything else, but me!!

Another day, another dollar.

Holy WIRED. I got up at 6am, went for a jog, got coffee, came home, went through my garbage looking for a goddamn Target receipt, failed, got ready, picked up my happy meds, and came to work. In an hour I'll either be dancing on the ceiling or sleeping under my desk.

I'm pissed about this Target receipt because I shouldn't have bought the damn dress and tank top to begin with, THEN I changed my mind about returning them in Jackson before heading to NY. I can't believe I lost the darn thing! ARGH.

I went way over budget in Florida. Granted, my budget was a bit unrealistic for a six day vacation, but still. I logged everything in my spending tracker and gasped. Yikes. Thankfully I had the dough to spend!

My monthly budget isn't really a budget. I do allot for bills and necessities, then the rest is a free for all of fun money. I need to learn how to save!! I decided this summer I'm going to buckle down and curb my extra spending.

As for big trips, I'm going to Vegas in June for work which is basically free. I was planning to tack on a trip to the Grand Canyon, but I decided against it due to money and time. Anyone up for Arizona next year?? Diamondbacks and Sedona, too?

I do have a couple mini-weekend trips planned, though. Friday I am heading up to Providence to visit the Faces!! Woo hoo!! I can't wait to see the babes, Cale and Oliver! You too of course, Leeks and Pandy. : )

Next trip isn't until August when the Petes and I are heading to Atlantic City for Socks' bachelorette party. Yay!   I've only been there once.  I was 21 and broke with college friends who showed their racist side for the first time. What the fuck is wrong with people?? They also spent most of their money on coke and $20 blackjack tables, which I really didn't understand. The gambling, I mean. I did some lines, which was idiotic because then I got a headcold. When I did "gamble", the old ladies at the slot machines were so fucking angry and rude. "These ten machines are MINE!!!" I'm shaking my head at the memory. Obviously now I'm older with kizash and cooler friends, so this trip will be AWESOME. No cokecolds!!

So, if anyone wants to have some cheap NYC fun this summer, let me know! I plan on going to the beach as much as possible!!

Florida!

The rundown...and pictures!

1. General

Travelling alone is very liberating!  If you are comfortable with your own thoughts, meeting new people and small talk, I highly recommend it.  Fuck it, even if you're uncomfortable with those things, take a solo mini-break somewhere close.  You might surprise yourself!

If you do travel alone on a beach vacation, there are two things you should buy:  spray sunscreen and a waterproof wallet. I used regular lotion sunscreen and missed a couple of spots on my back the first day.  Spray sunscreen might work better. The waterproof wallet was the best idea I ever had; I didn't have to worry about someone stealing my shit when I went in the water.

Speaking of swimming, while I was definitely the palest person on the beach, I didn't feel self-conscious about my body. There were plenty of thinner girls wearing too small, unflattering bikinis. My one-piece may be granny, but it's appropriate for my size.

2. Miami and South Beach, 05/12/12 - 05/14/12

Bus: I read some bad reviews about mass transit in Miami, but I decided to try it anyways. I didn't want to spend the money on a rental car for it to sit at the hotel. I guess if you're not used to riding a bus you'd be frustrated, but I thought it was great!! The Airport Flyer took me from MIA to Miami Beach for $2.35. All other bus rides were $2 and covered every where I wanted to go. A tip: be sure to buy an unlimited day pass at the airport because the bus drivers don't sell them. Also, if you are a guy, DO NOT SIT. Almost every time I was on the bus, a local loudmouth berated any man who didn't offer his seat to a woman. Granted, healthy young men should stand for ladies and the eldery, but some of these guys were insane. Strangest part was some of the seat judgers were racist about it, which I didn't understand at all.  Apparently dropping n-bombs is okay, as long as you are chivalrous. Half-jerks!

Baseball: Mets vs. Marlins, Marlins Park, #18! is in a gorgeous building, but the stadium was pretty ugly with this weird color green on the outfield walls. The infield wasn't any better; the natural grass isn't getting enough sunlight or water because of the roof so it looked dead and drab. The acoustics are awesome though - the roar of the crowd, the crack of the bat, the hundreds of Mets fans cheering the win! Woo hoo!

Hotel: I stayed at The Mimosa on Collins and 65th. It was a little out of the way, but fine for me considering I was in bed by 9pm both nights. I was exhausted! Next time, I'll pay a little extra to stay in South Beach.

Bars: Tobacco Road is Florida's oldest bar (it was a speakeasy during Prohibition), so naturally I wanted to check it out.  I was hoping for a LaFitte's or McSorley's type place dripping with history; instead I got Eminem and pretty college girls behind the bar. Booooo. Mac's Club Deuce in South Beach was perfect - dark and seedy, filled with locals drunk at noon. Definitely my kind of place! I played pool with a shark who looked like a skinny Danny Glover.

Beach: Lummus Park was glorious. The beach was clean, the water warm with lots of manageable waves.  The two drawbacks were the $15 umbrella rentals and no close bathrooms. It rained in the morning, so I ducked into a restaurant for breakfast. I met a girl named Kyree from DC and we ended up drinking until the sun came out. I was wasted before noon!! By the time I made it to the beach I had to pee so bad. I jumped in the ocean and peed in spurts for an hour and a half, even while talking to this good looking guy named Evan from Texas. I figured he had to feel it and would swim away so I can pee in peace, but he didn't. In fact, he invited me to dinner. I declined though. I went solo for a reason!

Serendipity: I've been looking for a chakra banner for a few weeks now to no avail. I thought it would be nice to put on the wall across from my bed, so I can see it when I wake up. Well I came across this store called 9th Chakra AND THEY HAD ONE!! Yay!

3. Fort Myers Beach, 05/14/12

Drive: Miami was super relaxing. The rest of the trip, not so much. I did a lot of driving, which was fun but exhausting. Monday morning I drove about three hours to Fort Myers. I haven't driven in about two years, so I was a bit nervous.I used to be an aggressive asshole road rage driver, but now I'm much calmer. I did get my Chevy Cruze up to 85, though. Boom! I'll never own a car in NYC, but I do miss the freedom of driving and singing to the radio at the top of my lungs.

My favorite part of the drive was going over the bridge from Fort Myers to Fort Myers Beach. It looked like a tropical mecca.

Hotel: I hung out on the north side near the Times Square section, which is a little area filled with bars and restaurants. Very quaint and chill town. Neptune Inn on the main strip is about a 10-15 minute walk to Times Square. The staff was very nice, the room was cute, and the view from my door was
amazing.

Bars: The standouts were Shamrock's, which was right across the street from my hotel, Yucatan (I only had breakfast here, but it was delicious) and The Beached Whale.  Shamrock's is a divey Irish bar with some fun characters, especially Breadman the bartender. The best way to describe him is Keith Richards and Ernest's lovechild. The Beached Whale is a typical restaurant bar with a really cool bartender named...wait for it...FORCE THOMPSON. I never put real names on Thighs, but I had to make an exception. Force Thompson, if you Google yourself and find this blog, I had so much fun hanging out with you!

Beach: The Gulf of Mexico is AMAZING. The water was warm, the sand a soft powder. I LOVED it and can't wait to go back!

Past: I haven't seen my mom's friend Roseann in about 20 years. Her son and I are the same age, so we used to play together when our families lived in Brooklyn. It was really cool to see her - she's exactly as I remember! It was a bit trippy for the both of us. All Roe kept saying is I look like my mom. At one point she was so candid with her life, I think she forgot I'm NOT my mother for a while. Later on she became my second mother, giving me a look every time I had a drink at dinner. When she dropped me off back at the hotel, I hid in the lobby and went back to Shamrock's when she drove away. In case you forgot, I am 34.

Roe's daughter Lisa is about 10 years younger than me, so I didn't remember her much. She's AWESOME though, I'm so glad she joined us for dinner! I already invited her to come stay in NYC. Check out her amazing photography.

3. St. Pete Beach, 05/15/12

Drive: After another three hour ride from FMB to SPB I was GRUMPY. I tried to cure my slight hangover- tiredness with loads of coffee, but it backfired. My body was exhausted while my mind was racing...

Hotel:  The only thing keeping me from flipping out was my adorable room at The Postcard Inn.  This hotel is FANTASTIC.  My room was on the parking lot side, so I had no idea a beautiful garden, pool, bar, and beach was down the hall.  For some reason I didn't take any pictures outside! Fail, but win because I would stay there again in a heartbeat.


Bars:  The PCI Bar at my hotel on the beach was perfect. I wish I could live there.  I hit a couple of bars a little north, but it was an older and boring crowd.  Then again I was there during the off-season and drinking at noon on a Wednesday. FYI, rumrunners are disgusting.

I went out of my way a bit to hit The Drunken Clam, named after the bar in Family Guy.  Chris (?) the bartender was a sweetheart and it turns out he has lot of family in Queens! (I met at least four people who used to live in Astoria!)  I was talking to him for about 20 minutes when this loud, red, obnoxious guy called Whispers (no joke) walks in screaming about vaginas.  Naturally he and I hit it off because he reminded me of someone. It took me a while to realize...it was me! We had the same personality, sense of humor, look, everything.  He told people I was his sister from Nebraska. They believed it.  There was a little incest as we did make out at one point, but it wasn't right. We might actually be related.

I made out with another guy that night. He ended up being a loser from Astoria who actually pretended to call the Irish Rover (a local bar) to get dirt on me.  WTF??

Beach: AMAZING. How many times do I have to say it??

4. Clearwater, 05/16/12

Hotel:  My friends Palmio and AC are the coolest couple of all time. First, they are both extremely talented writers and artists.  Second, they are a ton of fun.  Third, their home is gorgeous and creatively decorated.  Last, they are generous and kind hosts!  I'm so grateful I got to spend time with them!  Unfortunately AC had to work on her next project, so we didn't get to spend much time together. I'll just have to visit again! 

Baseball:  Red Sox vs. Rays, Tropicana Field, #19!  Truthfully I felt as meh about the field as I did at Marlins Park. I am so spoiled with Citifield. It's my second favorite ballpark after Wrigley.  The inside hallways by right field is decorated as a carnival. It was really cute!  We didn't walk around the whole stadium though, so I did miss the Hitters Hall of Fame and the Rays aquarium.  Oops!! I was about five ciders in the bag from pre-gaming at the stadium bar.  Post-game drinks there, too!  Drunk!

Museum:  You must go to the Salvador Dali museum.  It's incredible!  I really only knew a couple of his paintings like The Persistence of Memory with the melting clocks.  This guy was absolutely insane, a mad genius with a paintbrush. I was blown away by pretty much everything, but this one got me most:

5. Fin, 05/17/12

That's about it!!  I had a great time with friends old and new, beaching, drinking, eating, and smiling.  There were quite a few "soul laughs", what I call the enlightened, grateful, and purely happy giggle that comes from within. I feel very blessed and fortunate to have the opportunity to take this trip on my lonesome. Truthfully I missed MDLL at times, but only because I knew he would have loved the beaches down there as much as I did. Whether I end up with him or not, I hope to make a solo vacation a somewhat regular thing.  Next time I will sit still, though!!

I finished something!

The most important thing I had to do before leaving for Florida...

FINISH THE PUZZLE!

Ruth Clare FTW!

Vacationhead!

This was a wacky week.  It's FINALLY Thursday and now I have massive vacationhead. Yay!  Things:

Tonight is the wake for my great aunt.   I'm bummed out by death right now.  It's a silly way to describe how I feel, but really, what else can you say?  Dying's a bummer to the living.

Work is boring.  All I do is coordinate issue resolutions and update lists.  I really don't know why the client is still paying for me to be here at this point, but I ain't complaining!  My boss said we have some good prospects for new clients, so I'm sure things will pick up soon.

I'm in a bit of a body image funk, probably because this is the first time I'm going on a real beach vacation.  Last year all I could focus on was getting healthy, so body issues were the furthest thing from my mind.  Then one day I woke up 30 pounds lighter and had to get used to a new body I wasn't mentally prepared to live in yet.  I've since gained 10 pounds and I feel it.  At 165, I'm still the lightest I've ever been in my adult life, however I'm not in shape.  I haven't been in years.  I don't understand why I won't work out...

I love to bike ride, do activities (so many activities!), and practice yoga.  I cancelled my NYSC membership because I never go, plus gyms seem so claustrophobic and mechanical to me now.  I like the outdoors and the space in a proper yoga studio.

So it's not like I'm completely inactive, it's just getting fit still isn't a priority to me.  In some ways I feel worse than I did at my heaviest (192) because I'm more in tune with my body now.  Sober, too.

I joked about being the chubby pale woman on the beach, but truthfully I'm insecure about it.  I'd much rather be naked then in a bathing suit!  I guess it's because in my mind Miamians are tan, exotic looking size twoers.  Ha! Actually my other impression of Floridians is toothless backwoods rednecks, so maybe the Miamians won't be so bad.

I have yet to train for the 10K which is exactly 30 days away.  I'll still do it because I love the energy, but it's doubtful I'll run much.  Then again last time I barely trained and I managed to finish in 78 minutes. 

I'm in my thirties now...why the hell am I acting like an insecure teenager??  I've had so much fun in this body, why stress about it's imperfections?  I should embrace what I've accomplished with it.  That being said, if I want to be healthy and fit, I need to work on it.

I don't think it's laziness with me.  It's rebellion.  I don't want to HAVE TO workout, so why should I?  The pleasure of rebelling outweighs the pain of having the legs of a 60 year old chunker, which I do, thanks to my see-through skin.  Spider veins!

Oh fuck it.  This vacation is for me to relax, have fun, and get away from it all.  "All" includes my hang ups and negativity.  So shut up, Thighs, have fun, and ENJOY!

Death, Family, Love

My Great Aunt Bernie died this weekend at 92. She's my grandmother Dottie's twin sister. My grandmother died in December 2001. I miss her very much, more than I thought I would. My strained relationship with my mother made me keep my distance from her family. It saddens me to think I missed out on so many years of getting to know my grandmother because I was so hurt by mom's bullshit. I told Grandma this when she was in hospice care a couple of weeks before she passed. I truly am sorry I wasn't mature enough to understand who and what I lost at the time. I'm grateful I know now.

My mom's family is pretty interesting. It's a matriarch of crazy, strong, independent women. There were three sisters at the top, my grandmother, Aunt Bernie, and Aunt Gerry who passed away back in 1995. Since I've been reading the bible...

Aunt Gerry wed Jack and begot two daughters, Diane and Patty. Aunt Bernie wed Berger and begot Gail, Jeannie, and Brucie. Dottie wed Barney and begot Janet (my mom) and Brian. Somehow the sisters and their families all managed to end up living in the same apartment building on 49th Street in Sunset Park. There were plenty of other family members in the neighborhood, too. My mom has some hysterical stories about them all, usually involving the adults being bombed and the kids running amok. My favorite story isn't a drunken one, just a typical Irish/German woman giving the business. My grandfather Barney's real name is Bernard. He used to go by Bernie, but when my grandmother met him she said, "That's my sister's name, so I'll call you Barney." The bloodline of ballsy outspoken women runs deep.

Out of the seven kids between them, five went on to beget 14 grandchildren who begot 22 (and counting) great grandchildren. My Uncle Brian and Aunt Mary Ann never had kids. Brucie died at a young age. I believe he was trying to break up a fight in the streets one day and one of the thugs stabbed him. My mom said it was horrible and that's what broke up Aunt Bernie and Uncle Berger's marriage. Unfortunately Aunt Bernie also outlived Jeannie, who died last year.

I can't imagine losing a child. When I think about having a kid, I worry about something bad happening. What happens if he gets sick or I hurt him or he's is in a freak accident? I know I shouldn't even consider these things now, but they are out there. I wouldn't wish the loss of a child on anyone.

I'm afraid of dying for a couple of reasons. My biggest fear comes courtesy of a Tales from the Crypt episode where a guy is conscious through his autopsy and coffin burial. That sounds awesome. My next fear is the act of dying. I hope we all die fast and peacefully in our sleep. I guess that's really it. Fingers crossed death isn't a bad panic attack or a claustrophobic nightmare you can't escape.

Spiritually I have no problem with death. I like believing I can talk to my grandmother whenever I want. Even my freshman softball coach Mr. Neuse, who passed away a few years ago, pops into my head when I go to a game or pretend to make an unassisted triple play in my living room. I shudder at the idea they watch me shower or have sex or worse, have sex with myself, so I have a strict rule - no visits when I'm naked. Or at least don't let me know you're there. Shudder.

Of course if anyone I am close with today died I would be devastated. I am sad over Aunt Bernie because family is family, even if she was only a regular at parties rather than someone I knew on a personal level.  She was a good, decent woman, and I'm happy she lived a full life.

It's a funny thing, family. Hurt, love, happiness, pain, such a mixed bag of emotions and experiences. I'd love to punch my mom in the face right now, but I won't because one day she won't be here. It's also her birthday today, so that would just be rude.

I don't say this nearly enough...I love you, friends. Be well.

Wedding Rings

This started happening a couple of months ago.  WHO AM I!?!?!!

There is no right. There is no wrong.

My mom is freaking out about me going on a solo vacation.  I've known this because she hasn't said a word about it.  FYI, when extremely talkative people don't mention something, it's because they don't agree with your point of view. Surprise!

Yesterday she finally emailed me asking if she can join.  "This trip is making me uneasy." "I'll leave you alone...I'll watch all of your stuff when you swim in the ocean...I won't even talk to you."

My mom is retired, so a lot of her time is spent worrying about Rippie and I.  It's annoying, which is ironic because it bothers me because I'M worried about HER stress levels.  Stupid.

We talk every morning on my way into work.  It started when I got sick last year and we've both grown to like it.  Unfortunately, if I don't call at my usual time she'll frantically call me, "Are you okay? Are you testing me? Why haven't you called?"  Yikes.

When I read her email about Florida I flipped out.  My knee-jerk reactionary email was something like this:

"Absolutely not.  I am 34 years old, begrudgingly single because you made me feel like shit about MDLL, and a consultant, which means you better get used to me traveling alone.

You wanted a strong, independent daughter.  Well you got one, so stop stressing and cut the cord.  I like our daily phone calls, but if talking this much is making you codependent we will need to take a break."

A few minutes later I wrote:

"Sorry, I shouldn't have responded right away."

What I really was sorry about was mentioning MDLL.  It's partly true, though.  While I absolutely blame him for dragging his feet on the divorce, my family added what I feel was unnecessary judgmental and hurtful stress to the situation.

They don't see it like this, though.  This was reiterated by the screaming match my mom and I had a couple of hours ago. Somehow this trip became about her, MDLL, and my life choices:

"Who in their right mind, male or female, travels alone in this day and age?"

"Maybe it's my fault you have such low self-esteem and stayed with MDLL for so long."

"You should print out your email and bring it to your therapist, see what she says."

She was yelling all of these things, so I started yelling back.  She hung up at some point, but my dad was still on, so I started yelling at him.  I told them to fuck off and thanks for nothing. It was a lovely old-school McGee Family screamfest that ended with me crying in bed for an hour.

I'm trying to retrain myself to believe there is no right or wrong when it comes to opinions and choices. It's really hard, but I feel like it helps me manage my reactions and expectations.

My mom is not right or wrong.  She loves me and is worried about my safety on this trip and my future with MDLL. Or any guy, really.  My mom has not found ways to manage her stress and anxiety.  She married young and is unable to relate to my lifestyle.

I am not right or wrong. I love my mom. I still have trouble calming down when she riles up the ragesnake. I love MDLL.  I am able to measure our relationship based on our shared intimate experiences, not on his drawn-out separation.  I know others can't do this, nor do they have to.  I do wish my mom would be supportive instead of hurt my feelings, though.

Deep breath.  I will not let this ruin my trip.

There is no right. There is no wrong.  There is only understanding.

Hermit the Log

This was THE BEST WEEK EVER! Know what I did? I will tell you:

Saturday I had an awesome day of bike riding and drinking with Janeypants. LOVE!

Sunday I napped, did yoga, and ate sushi.

Monday - Thursday I was a total hermit.  All I did was work, Florida trip planning, AND A PUZZLE. Ruth Clare totally took over this week! I've had this puzzle forever (college maybe?) and had yet to do it. It's a 550 piece picture of an underwater sea goddess scene. It's really pretty, but MAN is it hard! Is puzzle inadequacy a thing? I actually had to remind myself I was doing this for fun and not get frustrated. It was a real eye-opener for me. I love to learn yet I hate being bad at things, so basically I only want to be taught or practice what I'm naturally good at. Pisces!

I am SUPER excited my Florida trip. I kind of love how it's coming together a little at a time. Early morning next (!!) Saturday I'm flying to Miami to catch the 1pm Mets/Marlins game. I booked a hotel room in Miami Beach for two days. I'll probably spend the first night hanging out in North Miami Beach, then all the next day down in South Beach. I will be the one person under an umbrella wearing a hat, long sleeves and pants.

The only other finalized plan is on Wednesday the 16th. I will be in Tampa/St. Petersburg for the Salvador Dali museum and the Red Sox/Devil Rays game with my friends who live in Clearwater. I'm crashing at their place that night, then I'm flying to NJ the evening of the 17th. I decided to head down to Jackson for a day or two for my mom's birthday/mother's day and to help them clean out the basement. My parents kept everything I did not throw out myself. I'm definitely saving my Baby-Sitter Club books, but I'm not sure about any of my toys. I thought keeping all of my Barbies would be nice, but I don't want the Costco-sized Stay Free Maxi-Pad box they are in taking up space in my apartment. Maybe I'll save a couple and give the rest to charity instead...

So that leaves Monday the 14th and Tuesday the 15th up in the air. The drive from Miami to Tampa is pretty long, so I will most likely stop in the Fort Myers or Sanibel area for some more beach time. I'm going to finalize that part of the trip tonight. SO EXCITED!!

OH! I "broke up" with Saturday Night guy. We played phone tag last weekend, then he called Wednesday night. I told him he's a great guy (not really, just hot) but I don't feel single. Maybe if he blew me away with his personality I'd want to keep this going. Who knows, all I do know is I love MDLL and am excited to give our relationship a second chance (Seventeenth chance? Bygones.)

I guess that's it! Tonight is more trip planning and puzzling, maybe some shopping for summer threads. Tomorrow is Cinco de Metso and a few parties. Sunday is my Groupon archery lesson! WOOT! I must must MUST start running, too. June 9th 10K will be here soon!

TFSIF!*

This week was loooooooong, but good!

I heard from MDLL. He's going to Pittsburgh to finalize his divorce!!! I am so, SO happy for him. He will feel great once it's done. Me, well I'm not holding my breath, but I am glad he's finally going.

Saturday Night guy and I went out on Wednesday. He's hot. SUPER hot, like a sunnier Eric from True Blood hot. We went out for dinner and drinks in the neighborhood. It was okay. He's very personable and talkative, which was nice. He's not very funny, though. I don't think I laughed at all, except at my own jokes. Fa! He's not into sports either, which my chauvinistic side does not understand. You have a penis!

Did I mention he's HOT? I don't even like blonde guys, but he's smoking. Even the waitresses gave me the "nice job" look.  It was fun to have a trophy wife for a night.


We left it open and casual. When I got home I thought I'd go out with him again because he's so pretty, but now I don't think I will. One, I'm not ready. Two, he's meh. And three, going out with him made me realize I still want MDLL.

I will keep dating if I meet someone interesting. If MDLL and I are both single once his divorce is final, I will absolutely give him a second chance. I want to know what our relationship will be like without the elephant in the room. I want to make out with his face and have babies named Taco and Guac and live on a boat and eat cheese and color all day long.


Enough about boys...last night I saw Avengers with Juniper. IT IS SO FUCKING AWESOME! YOU MUST SEE IT AS SOON AS YOU CAN! It was glorious!! Tonight is pokher, tomorrow is bike riding and drinking with Janey, and Sunday I might use my archery Groupon and do some yoga.

AHH! Almost forgot, I booked my trip! I decided to go to Florida instead of the Caribbean or Mexico. I fly to Miami on the 12th for the Mets/Marlins game. On the 16th I'm going to Tampa to see a Rays game with my friend Palmio. I haven't booked my return flight yet, nor do I know what I'm going to do between the games, but I. AM. PSYCHED!

I am also a spending machine. Once I get back from vacation I am on financial lockdown. I went to therapy this week and told Cee how my old excessive drinking and spending habits are back ever since the breakup. Ironically it's a self-preserving AND self-destructing pattern. I am SUCH a Pisces...


Twas a good week, twis a good life, and twalways good times (even during the bad ones). Goody goody!


*Thank friggin' Shizza it's Friday!

Saturday Night Guy called!

Holy crap, he called and we are hanging out Wednesday.  SHOOTIN' FISH IN A BARREL.

My ego totally needs this.  Yay!!

All I really want is BOYS.

Friday night I chatted up a guy sitting next to me at the bar.  We made out for a while and he took my number.  I don't care if he calls.

Saturday night I chatted up another guy at another bar.  He asked me for my number, too.  I'm very attracted to this one and wouldn't mind getting to know him. 

BOYS!

I'm limbo-single right now.  I have feelings for MDLL yet enjoy meeting new suitors.  It's funny, I finally see my lovepast in a positive light.  There were plenty of ups (penises) and downs (me crying over someone); thankfully I'm now able to laugh about it all and cherish the experience.  The more divorcees I meet, the happier I am my twenties were a time of growth, hedonism, and MEMEME.

For the first time in the 20 months I've known MDLL, I could really use a break.  I don't know if this means we're meant to be or not.  It weirded me out how excited I was by the Saturday night guy.  Can I love MDLL and be attracted to someone else?

I'm addicted to Googling relationship questions.  I found this link after searching "how do you know if he's the one?"  I took the quiz and the good news is MDLL passed all of them, except for the second one:  Are you more impressed by what he says rather than what he does?

The example they give doesn't fit our situation.  He is very good to me on the day to day things.  He says he loves me and he acts like it...except for the divorce.  When it comes to that, I am more impressed by what he says rather than what he does because he barely did anything.

At the bottom they have a GO NO FURTHER WITH HIM section.  This one bothered me: • You find yourself making excuses for him. Do you feel the need to tell friends that he's 'not always like that' or 'he's had a tough upbringing'? Do you downplay bad behaviour? STOP: Your friends are worried about you.

Again, it's always in regards to the divorce.  I never felt the need to make an excuse for his behavior on anything else.  When he fucks up, I admit he fucks up, and tell him so, end of story.

It's obvious MDLL is not The One right now at least.  No one is at the moment.  I need to be single for a while and enjoy it while I can!

Hate and Run

The text I want to write to MDLL: I hate you I hate you I hate you.   I also want to beat the crap out of an ex-friend, yell at a travel agent to book my relaxing vacation to either the Caribbean or Mexico which is ironically stressing me out, and run a marathon.

I haven't been this angry, upset, or what's the word for wanting to run away and escape...escapey, in a very long time. It's amazing how familar this feeling is, though. I used to always feel like this! I never thought emotions and thoughts can be like old friends, but here we are...

1. What is the point of telling MDLL I hate him? To hurt him. To contact him. To know he's alive. (For some reason I keep thinking he's dead.)

2. What is the point of punching the ex-friend? To hurt her. To use her as a punching bag to get out my MDLL pain and aggressions. To feel big, in control, strong, and powerful.

3. What is the point of yelling at a travel agent? "Computer says no..." (Little Britain reference.) There is no point. I'm having a hard time choosing where to go because:

a. I am feeling insecure and don't seem to trust I'll pick a good, safe, cheap place

b. I've never travelled out of the country alone. The thing is I am DYING to get out of town. I've done enough US travel the past few years. I'd love to just sit on a beach, not understand the locals, and chill.  I'm between Costa Rica, Puerto Rico, or the Bahamas.

c. I really want to go to Hawaii, but that was supposed to be OUR trip. Plus I only want to take a week off and that's not enough time.

d. I also really want to go Tibet, but again too far for a week's trip.

e. I'd like to pretend the money is no object, but it is. My budget is $1K, which is plenty if I can get a good deal.

f. I guess the alone thing also bothers me because I am single again. Farts.

So why the fuck do I want to go??

a. GET OUT OF ASTORIA

b. GET OUT OF NEW YORK

c. GET OUT OF THE STATES

d. Sit on a beach and do fucking NOTHING or possibly visit a rainforest, learn to surf, and do a zipline.

e. Juniper asked me if being alone would make me feel worse because my only companion would be my thoughts. If you haven't noticed, I LOVE MY THOUGHTS. If I could get paid to think about ME ME ME, I would. So no, I really don't mind being alone as long as I'm in a safe area.

Isn't this a horrible problem to have? "Oh nooooooo...I can't figure out where to take a nice vacation after I broke up with my boyfriend. Woe is meeeeeee.."

4. I have no desire to run a marathon. Ever. Luckily "running away" doesn't actually require running.

I'm back!

I was waiting on line at Chop't and the guy in front of me was TOTALLY my type - over six feet tall, at least 250 pounds, dark hair, pale skin with a Donovan vibe (the guy that started Thighs!). I noticed he was wearing a watch so I asked him what time it was to check if he had a ring on. He did. Poop.

I don't know for sure if the breakup crazy train has left the station yet. All I can say is I feel GREAT today. I'm not angry or sad at MDLL, just thoughtful and accepting. I guess all the positivity and wellness from the weekend has sunk in!

Dear truly single men of NYC over the age of 34 who are an attractive looking missing link,

I'm back, bitches!

Love,

Thighs

Good evening!

I am actually feeling pretty good! Maybe this break from drinking is working...

My plan is to keep busy, so I was going to see Morgan Spurlock's comic-con documentary tonight.  I ended up working late, enjoying some Mr. Softee, and chilling out at home instead.  I didn't cry once!

Yaaaaayy!!  One day at a time, right?

Free Fallin'

Weirdest thing yesterday.

I'm standing at the corner of 5th Ave somewhere in the 80s waiting for the light to change. A group of women were behind me. I crossed as soon as the traffic light turned red, heard a commotion and turned around. One of the women was laying on the ground, apparently having tripped off of the curb. Her friends helped her up, so I kept walking.

Fast forward two hours later, I'm exiting the 57th and 7th station. As I'm walking up the stairs I hear another commotion, a woman slightly scream, and see a man's head looking down. In my mind the man and woman bumped into each other, causing all of her paperwork to fall onto the sidewalk and fly away in the breeze. (Why anyone would be carrying paperwork is beyond me.) When I got to the top of the stairs, the woman was on the ground! She fell too!

It was so random. I was extra careful of my footing for the rest of the day.

Posing for Oprah

Yesterday I went for a walk/jog in Central Park, to an ayurvedic lecture at the Yoga Journal Conference, popped by the bar to see the crew for a bit (no drinking!), and went to a restorative yoga session at night. I'm practicing toddler therapy - I tire myself out all day, so that I crash as soon as I get home. It's working...I guess?

The minute I'm alone I cry, so I don't know if all of this positive bullshit is helping or not. I feel like a poser. I find self-abuse and destruction more appealing when I'm in a funk. I'd much rather drink myself into oblivion, eat my weight in cheese and crackers, and take up cutting rather than pretend I'm in the mood for this hippie dippie mumbo jumbo. Maybe pretending I'm at peace will bring me some sooner. In the words of the great Tyra Banks, "Fake it 'til you make it." I'll fake happy until I have the hap-hap-happiest life since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.

What was that, Oprah? What would I say to MDLL right now if I had the chance? I'm glad you asked. I would say..

MDLL, thank you for bringing love into my life. I wasn't sure I could love or be loved after all of these years and because of you I now know I can. I was angry last week because I felt like you took my chance at having a family away from me. I realize now you didn't. In fact, you gave me the gift of wanting one. I thank you for this, too.

All that being said, I fucking hate you. HATE. I hope you get food poisoning and live. I'm tempted to send you the link to my blog so you can read how your dickcunt inaction fucked my shit up. You'll probably hate me too once you know how much I've shared on here...and how many people I slept with! Oops! (Sidenote - gyno said the cooter is cootie free.)

So there. Is that the response you were looking for, Ms. my va-jay-jay is hurtin'? Yes. Good.

MANIC DEPRESSIVE GIGGLER.

Perfect day, meh night.

Today was perfect.

I woke up at 9am and headed into the city soon after to buy a bathing suit.  I actually found one I liked! It's a little Ruth Clare, but it fits me nice.

I walked home across the Queensboro bridge scream-singing Someone Like You and Dog Days Are Over.  Someone Like You is getting the shit played out of it this week.  Apparently I like to kick myself when I'm down.  (It's Adele's grammy winning breakup song).  I must say it felt good to sing so loudly.  Sometimes you just gotta belt one out.

The bathing suit was needed for my first ever trip to a day spa.  I went to one for a massage once, but never for the sauna or pampering.  I needed it after this fuckball week.  

Breen and I met up in Flushing for a delicious Chinese lunch at Nan Xiang Dumpling House.  Michelin rated!  We then hopped into a cab and headed over to Spa Castle.

For $45 you get all-day access to their many pools and saunas.  Massages, facials, scrubs, treatments, food, and drinks are extra.  As soon as you enter the locker room, you must remove your shoes and put on   a t-shirt and pair of shorts provided by the spa.  You're given a wristwatch band that acts as your lockerkey and credit card.  It's pretty sweet that you don't need to carry anything the whole day!

Our first stop was a 10 minute chair massage to loosen us up.  We then headed up to the roof and pool-hopped for a while, jumping from hot ones, jet ones, and massage ones.  We grabbed a little snack and a drink (I had one daiquiri!) before heading to the saunas.  The temperatures ranged from 100 - 181 degrees!  I couldn't handle them for long, so we'd go from pool to sauna just to dry off.

Next up...naked swimming!  That's right, we went to the women's locker room where there were a few pools for skinny dipping only.  We stripped down, giggled while we checked each other out, and then hung with the other naked ladies in the woman's bathhouse.  I was a little nervous at first because I'm a chunker, but after a few seconds I didn't give a fuck.  There were so many different sized women that all of my insecurities went away.  I felt so free.

After nudie time we went for a 30 minute foot massage.  Sooooo nice.  Afterwards we took one more skinny dip, showered, and headed home.  On the way we stopped at Tortilleria Nixtamal, one of my favorite places to eat.  Best shrimp tacos EVER.  I even challenge the West Coast on this one.

Again, today was perfect.

Now that I'm home by myself, I feel a bit meh.  I'm trying to not think about MDLL, but it's hard.  I guess I should just let it rip, so that I can get over him sooner.  UGH.

Fortunately I am pretty beat from my day of relaxation, so I'll probably go to bed soon.  Tomorrow's plans - run in the park, Ayurvedic lecture, restorative yoga with massage in the evening.  This is a pretty great Me weekend.  I need it.

Pathetic is...

Googling this.

I'm between 5 and 7 right now.

I was waiting for Jesus to show up in one of those panels.

Mania over.

I had a massive panic attack a few hours ago.  Thanks to Bakes, some deep breaths, and a good cry in my boss's office (she's never here), I feel much better.

Panic attacks are bittersweet.  They are horrible. This is it, this is when I lose all sense of reality, my brain folds into itself and the world will go black.

The sweet part is an epiphany usually follows.  I've been able to reach my Aha! moments without hitting bottom for a while now, but this time I lost my balance.

It was baby-sitting.  I had a glimpse into my future with MDLL and I liked it.  I really did.  I never thought I'd want a family until I met him, so knowing this isn't going to happen threw me for a loop. For a fruitloop, really.  Right now I can't imagine wanting a family with anyone else.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Take that!

I unfriended him.  Ha! Take that, asshole.

I know I am being ridiculous today.  Rem and I went for a walk earlier.  I took off my shoe and beat a moving truck with it. 

I am blowing up Thighs so that I don't blow up on MDLL.  I WANT TO TAKE HIS FACE AND PUNCH IT UNTIL I CAN USE IT AS SILLY PUTTY, PUT IT ON A COMIC STRIP, AND STRETCH OUT BLONDIE'S BOOBS REEEEALLLL BIG.

I WISH THERE WERE SUPER CAPS LOCKS TO SHOW YOU EXACTLY HOW MUCH I HATE HIM AND I HATE THE WORLD AND I NEVER EVER WANT TO DATE ANYONE EVER AGAIN.

This was a horrible week to get my period.

Poor next guy

You know what I just realized???  The last two guys I super, DUPER liked were Banana and MDLL.

Banana lied about not being in a serious relationship.  They are now married with a kid.

MDLL omitted the fact he was still legally married.

I feel really bad for the next guy I date.  "Hi, I'm Thighs. Can you prove to me you are single? Can you sign this legal document stating you are in fact, not dating anyone seriously and are not actively married and/or separated?"

FUUUUUUUUUCCKKK.  I give up.

Kids!

In nicer news...

Last night I baby-sat Tron's lovely daughters, Macie and Sydney.  They are adorable, smart, and affectionate little ladies.  The Tron fam are vacationing in NYC this week, so after work I took them to the playground in Central Park, then we went back to the hotel and watched Enchanted before mom and dad came home.

A few things:

The sister dynamic is so foreign to me.  Growing up I had a few girlfriends with sisters and it seemed to be horribly competitive.  Shite, I grew up feeling Rippie was the better kid and he's a boy. 

Watching young sisters, it amazed me how Sydney (age 4) was determined to do everything Macie (age 7) did.  She climbed up on the monkey bars, shaking in fear, and refused to let me help her.  It was nice to see this side of sisterhood, where the oldest empowers the youngest to do things.  Maybe this is the same with all siblings, but I haven't seen it yet because my NYC friends' second children are still babies.  Also, they are all boys and, as sexist as this sounds, I feel like boys will always help each other. Girls, I don't know.  Girls can be mean, especially to their sisters.  I hope Macie and Sydney keep their loving and respectful relationship forever.

Get this.  NYC singles are douchebags!!  In the three blocks we walked to the park, we were cutoff, run over, and given dirty looks by all the childless (I assume) twenty and thirty somethings we passed.  I have never felt more shunned in this city in my life!  I have a whole new perspective on what having kids is like here.  I myself have rolled my eyes when I see some poor helpless mother pushing a stroller with two kids on either side, thinking "You're an idiot. Live in the suburbs." but now I get it.  Parents have every right to live here, too!!  Their kids will probably be cooler for it!

Even walking by bar windows I felt almost, I don't know, less than maybe?  Like I was missing out on the fun, even though I was having a blast with the girls and had no desire to drink with the boring suits in the bar.  It was an odd feeling...is this what parenthood is like?  Loving your kids, but missing your freedom?  I WAS ONLY WITH THEM FOR THREE HOURS!

I was nervous about taking the kids out in the city.  What the hell do I know? Macie said, "We can't walk yet, there's a red hand."  Note to self, don't jaywalk with children.  Another note, don't offer something unless you know they can have it.  A horse drawn carriage went by and I said, "Oh maybe we can do that!" without thinking.  It was $60. We didn't do it. Luckily Macie's a cool kid and didn't mind.

Tron, your girls rule.  I had a lot of fun with them.

Self, we'd be a good mom.  I think one is enough, though. Lauren Marie McGee, I really hope we get to meet one day soon.

My mom's NOT an asshole.

For all the shitty shit my mom did in the past, she's come a long way.  I spoke to her this morning about MDLL.  She wrote me such a nice email that I had to share it:

Sometimes you have to stop and realize just how fortunate you’ve been – especially when you are feeling down and out:

You always wanted to live in the city;

You have many friends (old and new);

Your health has improved immensely from last year;

You are going to yoga, you run;

You took a chance with a new job (one that has supported you through your tough time last year) – one that’s rewarded you financially twice so far;

You had a loving relationship with someone – something you couldn’t imagine having previously;

You’ve actually considered marriage and motherhood –something you wouldn’t have chosen for yourself previously;

You gave all you possibly could – but you had to “lovingly” let go so MDLL could grow as a person/man;

You now know how a parent feels – when they have to “let go” and pray their child “does the right thing” and doesn’t get hurt;

You’ve realized you can’t make a decision or finalize a divorce for MDLL – that he has to grow and make that commitment forhimself (and it has nothing to do with you);

It’s not easy realizing you have no control over this;

And yes, you will feel strong enough to get back out there and see what fate has in store for you! 

Maybe not today…but definitely soon…

You are loved by your parents, brother and friends. And you are loved by MDLL as only he can at this time in his life.  But it’s not something you should lower your expectations to as much as he has to step up and go forward with his life, and fully participate in your relationship – without any strings attached.

Love you and are very proud of you – you will be stronger after all this!!

I'm an asshole.

I am fucking miserable. MISERABLE. The minute I decided to not drink and face the pain of this breakup, I began to feel everything. I'm trying to tough it out, but it's not easy. This fucking blows.

If I drink I will call him and make this harder. It will also further delay the mourning period. Maybe I should smoke pot instead.

MDLL joked the other night he should keep me drunk, so that I want to see him. He'd be better off doing so because when I'm sober I fucking hate him. FUCKING HATE HIM.

Why the fuck did he do this?? Why couldn't he just man up and break it off a year ago and admit he's not ready for a serious relationship??

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I just realized he DID say this, but he didn't act like it. Well, except for not getting divorced.

FUUUUUUUUUCK. I'm such an asshole.

Giving thanks...

I am grateful I finally experienced love...even if it is a soul-eating, nauseating mindfuck.

15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

I love this article.  Thanks Juniper!


Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:


1. Give up your need to always be right.There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. Give up your need for control. Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. Give up on blame. Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk. Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.

“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

5. Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!

“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle

6. Give up complaining. Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

7. Give up the luxury of criticism. Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.

8. Give up your need to impress others. Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take of all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.

9. Give up your resistance to change. Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell

10. Give up labels. Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer

11. Give up on your fears. Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. Give up your excuses. Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

13. Give up the past. I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

14. Give up attachment. This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another,  attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves.  You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

Fuck Jury Duty Part 2

Yay! I don't have to serve, nor was I thrown in jail!

After six hours of waiting around, the remaining 11 of us were finally called to sit in the jury box for questioning.  When it was my turn the judge said, "Thighs McGee. Where were you born?"  I replied with, "Do I have to give personal information in front of the defendant?" The whole courtroom stared at me.  The judge said, "Not at all. I'll ask you afterwards in private."

Yay!

When the judge was done with his questioning, the district attorney asked us as a group, "Will everyone here give this man a fair trial and be able to convict him if proven guilty?"

I thought about it.  The lawyers had nothing to go on, except for the plaintiff's and defendant's word. I know this because all day they spoke of mistaken identity and the lack of tangible evidence.  It was a he said/he said trial.  

It's interesting the judge made all of us sit in the courtroom to listen to the jury selection process.  When I actually had my eyes open, they burned into the back of the defendant's big bald head.  I wondered what kind of man is mistaken for an armed robber.  Was he at the wrong place at the wrong time?  Does he have a familiar looking face and build?  Was the victim inebriated or out for revenge?  Did this man actually do it?

As I wrote in my last post, the only other time I had jury duty the whole experience was disturbing.  The charges, the pictures, the creeps in the courtroom.  The ironic thing is I had a somewhat easy experience before the trial.  I don't remember feeling like cattle or wasting my entire day trying to stay awake.  I must have been picked in the first round or something.  Anyways, I guess I never admitted to myself how much that first case bothered me.  It took going back to the courthouse for me to remember.  It made me angry (as if you couldn't tell from Part 1).

The idea I could possibly send an innocent man to jail or a guilty man home angered and scared me.  The fact jurors don't seem to have any rights or protection infuriated me.  The way every other juror bent over and accepted this treatment ticked me off.  And worst of all, I already felt like the defendant was guilty just by being there.  Mistaken identity my ass. 

That's when it hit me.  I can't do it, I don't want to do it, so I won't do it.

I said, "No, I already decided this man is guilty, so I do not believe I will give him a fair trial nor am I comfortable having the fate of someone's life in my hands."  Everyone stared at me again.  The prosecutor thanked me for my honesty and both lawyers ignored me for the rest of interviews.  The judge didn't even bother getting my information.

When it was over one of the guards led us out and said we don't have to come back.  I almost hugged him.  I went from being LIVID to being elated.  Manic!

This will be my answer every time I'm selected for a criminal case.  I judged the defendant without knowing him or the evidence.  This was wrong of me. The good news is my quick judgement will not affect his future.  Yes, if he is guilty I could have helped put him away, but there's no guarantee the d.a. had enough evidence.

No thanks, bub.