So Many Things!

Ack! I haven't written in forever. So many things to catch up on!

1. New Orleans was SUCH a good time! I am so glad I went. The rundown:

~ Best travel group ever. All 12 of us were fun, laidback, and seriously up for a good time!

~ In the 48 hours I was there, something in me has changed forever. New Orleans gets in your blood and right to your core. It celebrates both life and death in a way I never thought possible. The energy, the spirit, the hedonism, the sensuality, the macabre, the sadness, the loss, the rebirth, the history, and most of all, the music. I'm considering going back for Jazzfest next year.

~ Bourbon Street is like the Seaside Heights boardwalk on acid, which naturally means I loved it! Gluttony is everywhere! YOU CAN DRINK IN THE STREETS! Ahhhhh! I had all intentions of flashing people, but I got shy. SHY! I did flash Bacon and Janey, though. FYI, I have pale nipples.

~ The Krewe du Vieux parade has ruined all future parades for me. It is AMAZING. You'll see what I mean once I post my pictures (hopefully this week!).

~ The one thing I absolutely wanted to do was go to Marie Laveau's House of Voodoo for a reading. I sat with a reader named Phillip. He knew I have dietary issues, had lost a lot of weight, was dating someone who is still legally married, and some other things. It was fantastic.

~ My new favorite bar: Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop. My new favorite drink: The Voodoo Daiquiri. I need to make this very soon.

‎2 oz. Bourbon
1 oz. Everclear or Vodka
4 oz. Grape Juice
1 cup Crushed ice
Combine Bourbon, Vodka, grape juice and ice into a blender... blend at a medium speed until smooth (15 to 25 seconds).

2. Not sure if you heard yet, but THE GIANTS WON THE MOTHER TRUCKING SUPERBOWL!!! AGAIN!!! WOO HOOOO!! I made sure I'd be home on Sunday in time for the game, just in case they made it in. I was worried I would have jinxed them, but NOSIREE! Actually now I think I singlehandedly insured their win. In 2008, I had hung up four Giants paper plates as decoration for my last Super Boobie Bowl. I didn't take them down until this past November. COINCIDENCE?? I think not!!

3. Last Wednesday I was glutened again. Maybe. I'm not sure what the hell got me. Not knowing is very upsetting, but I healed pretty quickly this time. It's the same as it always is: the pain right below my ribs, the shits, the cold, the exhaustion. The best treatment is to stay home, rest, and rehydrate as soon as it happens. I am SO happy I didn't get sick in New Orleans. Thankfully, all of the restaurants were very accommodating to my dietary needs.

4. Unfortunately I wasn't able to go out on Thursday for Jarv's birthday, but I WAS able to go horseback riding with she and Juniper on Sunday! It was fun! We went to Kensington Stables in Brooklyn. The place is a bit of a shithole (horseshit-hole), but I enjoyed the ride through Prospect Park. I'd like to go again when it gets warmer.

5. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!! I've always liked Valentine's Day, but I must say I am SUPER excited this year. This is my first real Valentine's Day with not only a boyfriend, but someone I truly, truly love. Last February we were still on our ridiculous relationship roller coaster, but we did have a nice dinner at Bugatti in Astoria (we nicknamed it Bukkake) on the 12th. I thought it would be sweet if we went back there, but they weren't taking reservations or Groupons tonight. We decided to stay in and cook seafood at his place instead. Did I mention I was excited?? I'm going to get all dolled up right after work and head over. I EVEN BOUGHT A DRESS:



WOO HOOOOOO!!

6. Speaking of Groupons, I have a zillion! Tomorrow night Juniper and I are taking a two hour intro sewing lesson. I also have three restaurant coupons (Bukkake included), five Krav Maga/self defense lessons, a swedish massage, an archery lesson, four kickboxing classes, and a two hour intro sculpting class. I am NOT allowed to buy anymore until I use these up!

7. Work is really quiet right now. This is the calm before the March Go-Live storm. My boss said I should be prepared to work everyday, including weekends. I'm not sure what I'll do for my birthday. Luckily it's on a Friday, so I'm hoping I'll get to celebrate it!! If I can, I'll probably have another drink up at Flannery's like last year. If not, I might just have a couple of drinks at Crazy Ass in the neighborhood. We shall see!

Hmmm...I guess that's it! Enjoy your V-Day! I hope you all know how much I love you! <3 <3 <3

A Birthday Poem

My dad found this while cleaning out the basement. I wrote it in 1989 when I was 11:



Yes, I've been writing about farts for a long time now...

LOVE YOU DAD!

The Saints Come Marching In...

Countdown to NOLA! Friday morning I will be joining Rockstar's 40th birthday celebration down in New Orleans. I can't wait! I've never been there! I'm super stoked to check this place out, see some old friends, and show off my natural non-implanted frankenboobs for some cheap plastic beads! (I ran this by MDLL. His response, "Do what you gotta do.")

Apparently I decided to prepare for the trip by getting wasted Saturday night in Astoria. I went to MONSTER TRUCKS will Juniper, then headed to Crazy Ass to meet the guys. Somehow the night went from 11:30pm to 2:30pm the next afternoon. Here is what I remember:

1. running around the bar with cheesy sunglasses
2. dancing
3. Sy saying, "Wow, you're never out this late!" and me replying, "I'm ALWAYS out this late." not realizing how late it was
4. How late was it? It must have been around 5am because I remember seeing the stools put on top of the bar and the gate pulled halfway down.
5. throwing up in MDLL's bathroom
6. waking up at some point fully dressed in his bed

As awful as this sounds, I used to brown out/black out a lot when I drank back in the day. I haven't done that in quite a while. I definitely didn't plan on doing it last weekend, it just sort of happened.

Fortunately I didn't feel too bad on Sunday. It was a lovely day of brunching at Bacon's house with a few of my favorite ladies. I had the next day stupids and I did fall over a lot, but nothing crazy. My mind was too distracted to be hungover because I was meeting MDLL's brother that night.

MDLL's family is in Pittsburgh, so this was the first time I was meeting any of them. He is very close with his brother, so naturally I wanted to impress him. I was SUPER nervous about it. I'll admit most of my nerves come from wondering if they'll like me more than MDLL's ex. I know this is dumb, so I'm trying my best to let it go. It's one of those questions I want answered as long as the answer is in my favor.

His brother was very reserved and proper at first. It sort of freaked me out that I might end up in a family of robots. Once he opened up and cracked some jokes I realized MDLL is the same way around people he doesn't know, too. This is called "shyness." Who knew?

The weekend was really good, but I don't feel like I've caught up on sleep yet. Sunday I tossed and turned for some reason. Monday I slept okay. Last night I went to dinner and a movie with Breen (see The Artist now!), then went to MDLL's. I was so exhausted that I stayed over, which I've never done on a weeknight. I slept really well, but I'm still tired today. Oh well, to quote my mother, maybe it's the weather.

Tonight I had planned to go to a birthday party for this really sweet guy from Company, but I think I'm going to skip it. It doesn't start until 9pm, so I was going to go home, do laundry, then head back into the city. I'm still on the fence, although just typing out my plan is making me even more tired.

Decision made. I'm staying in so that I'm well-rested for Nawlins!! WOO HOO!

Quoting Myself

I just wrote this to a friend and I wanted to memoriaThighs it:

"Honestly I don't know shit about dating, but I do know how to become the person I want to be. I've gone through a lot of shit the past year and made the effort to survive it all. The one thing I am sure of now is that every moment in life is an opportunity to learn and grow. We just have to run with it."

PMS and Football

I'm dragging ass today. Dragging. Ass.

I slept most of Friday and Saturday. Rest and fluids is the best thing for me to heal when I've been glutened or sugared or whatever the hell. Saturday night I felt well enough to go to MDLL's and lay around his apartment for a change of scenery. I got another 10+ hours of sleep that night too, so by Sunday I was raring to go for the Giants game. Did you hear the news?

THE MOTHER FUCKING GIANTS ARE GOING TO THE MOTHER FUCKING SUPERBOWL! AAAAIIIIEEEE!!

So awesome.

Or is it?

I was PMSing hardcore Saturday. I cleaned my entire apartment, even scrubbed the walls. I cried over the Disney movie Meet the Robinsons, which is really sweet and adorable. (The movie, not me crying.) When I got to MDLL's, he was dealing with his own male-PMS so I didn't really have the time or energy to act out mine. Man, can that kid be cranky!! The next day he was back to his loving self, so I became an insecure teenage bandgeek. (I don't know why I called myself a bandgeek, but that's what came out as I typed. It probably has something to do with watching American Pie 2 on Sunday. PETEY!) I went middle school on him: "Do you still like me? Do you think I'm cool? I still turn you on, right? Circle yes, no, maybe." Apparently, I need to be extra validated when I'm about to get my pdiddy. MDLL took my moroncy (manujaggered) in stride and made me feel better. He's a good egg.

Later on we went to Crazy Ass to watch the last half of the Ravens/Patriots game. I HATE the Patriots. Hate. It's not because they are good; it's because they are bad fucking sports. Only dickheads go for a two point conversion when the game is out of reach. Brady punting the ball himself last week against Denver was dickish bullshit, too. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should! Belichik's refusal to shake the winning coach's hand is bullshit as well. He and Brady's talent impresses me, but I'd like them more if they had some class.

Get this. When the Giants game started I actually wanted them to lose so they wouldn't face the Patriots again.

WHAT!?!?!? WHAT KIND OF FAN AM I?!?!?!

Seriously, I wanted them to lose for about ten minutes. During that time I talked it out with MDLL.

Me: I can't take this pressure. I want them to lose.

MDLL (slightly laughing at me): What? Why?

Me (near tears): The Patriots will slaughter them for ruining their perfect season!!

MDLL: Orrrr...the Giants could win again.

Me (crying): BUT, WHAT IF THEY DON'T!?!?

MDLL(smiling and hugging me): It will be okay. I promise.

A vodka soda later:

Me: What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I want the Giants to lose? I need to get to the bottom of this. I would rather them lose the Championship rather than try to win the Superbowl? What the hell? Is it because they will be heartbroken if they lose the Superbowl? So what, at least they got there! At least they tried!! Isn't not trying worse than failing?? I mean, failing is better than not trying.

MDLL (smiling, eyebrows raised): ...

Me: Look at my life! I am not scared to do anything except the things that mean the most to me, ie writing, drawing, and creating! I am so scared to be judged about the things I care the most about! But, who is judging??? WHO? I'm failing right now because I'm not trying!! At least the Giants are trying!

MDLL (drinking his beer, staring at me): ...

Me: It's my mother. My mom was so mean and judgmental when I was a kid. I wanted her to like me, but she never did! I wanted everyone to like me so I didn't try because I didn't want to be better than anyone. That's all changed now!! My mom likes me and I like her and the people in my life would love me if I was successful! And they would all love me if I tried and failed! It's like Meet the Robinsons: KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

MDLL then said lovely personal things about his life which I will not share here. More hugs and kisses.

Me: Okay, I want the Giants to win now. LET'S GO BLUE!

END SCENE.

Whine whine whine

I haven't whined in a while. Let her rip!

Stupid fucking gluten. Stupid fucking sugar. I've had a sore throat on and off all week, so I'd pop a couple of Advil and cough drops before bed to sleep through the night. On my way out the door this morning I grabbed some Halls Honey Lemon drops thinking they'd be more powerful than the Duane Reade sugarfree ones I had been using. My throat is fine now. The rest of me, not so much.

I don't know for sure, but since Halls is the only thing I ate out of the ordinary, I am blaming it for my tummy attack at work. It was the usual pattern: I poop a lot, get cold, panic, then become extremely exhausted. I went home around 1pm, slept until about 3pm, and am now blogging. I'm forcing myself to eat a lot because if I don't I'll get even weaker. I feel much better, although I'm still tired and my tummy's a little sore.

I want to cry. It's getting easier and easier to deal with this, but I still can't help getting upset. I feel stupid, embarassed, annoyed, and guilty for hurting my body. I know this is trial and error. I know it's going to take time. Look how far I've come!! I know when it hits I have to drop everything and take care of myself before I shut down.

I've been feeling great, I'm the happiest and most positive I've ever been, and life has been good. For whatever reason, I can't eat gluten and I have to watch my sugar intake. Oh no! I'm forced to eat healthy! Poor me! Ha!

I'm laughing. It was a silly mistake. Now I know better.

Interestingly enough, I ate a premade orzo dish with spinach, sundried tomato, and feta for lunch on Tuesday. I've had it before and never felt gross until this week. I thought maybe it had gone bad or something, so I forgot about it.

Today when I was looking up info on the cough drops I saw orzo is pasta. I had no idea! I thought it was rice! DUMB. So now I'm a bit confused again to what throws me over the edge. Yes, the orzo made my stomach a bit icky, but it passed relatively quickly. Why would the sugar in a cough drop knock me down if that didn't? Trial and error, people.

Oooo Pad Thai is safe! I had it Wednesday night at this really good restaurant called Topaz on 56th Street. DELISH! I'm still very addicted to the gluten free pizza at Mozzarelli's on 23rd Street, too. See, Thighs? Being GF ain't THAT bad!

This post wasn't as whiny as I thought it would be. Yay!

One year anniversary!

Yesterday was my one year anniverary at Biz. Crazy, right?

Wanna hear something crazier?

I LOVE MY JOB.

WHAT WHAT WHAT!?!

January 6th started our final practice conversion before go-live in March, so for the past couple of weeks I've been working late and on the weekends. It was awesome. I feel smarter, more productive, more invested, and HAPPY.

Last week I was walking to work when the thought crossed my mind I might actually love this gig. I stopped in my tracks and had a slight panic attack. This idea was surprising, scary, and confusing. The word "love" was stuck, the "l" caught between my chest and my throat. I forced myself to say it out loud, "I love my job."

My heart still flutters when I say it.

Here is what Professional Thighs has learned over the past 12 months. Actually 6 months, considering I was comatose the first half of 2011.

1. Be sincerely pleasant and kind

I've always had problems with my attitude at previous jobs. I hated inefficiency, stupidity, lack of vision. I hated my bosses once I figured out I was smarter or more driven than they were. I hated a lot of things and I didn't hide it.

I am now the "face of Biz" at the client office. I'm the only one from my company that is here every day. I'm sincerely pleasant to everyone, even when they are being mean and difficult. I realize now that being nice is way more efficient than having a chip on my shoulder. Being nice and kind makes others feel good about themselves and as a result, empowers them to do better. Being nice also makes ME feel good!

2. The Client is not always right.

It's hard to tell someone they are wrong. The Client is not always right, but you have to make them FEEL right or at least, not stupid. While this goes along with being pleasant, it's also a crucial communication skill I'm trying to master.

3. There's a million ways to skin a cat.

An old coworker used to drive me crazy when he said this. Now I understand that if the result is the same, who cares (most of the time)?. I used to fight for what I thought was the proper way to do something; in the end it never really mattered.

4. I love my autonomy.

While it's frustrating at times when I can't get a hold of my boss Iron, I LOVE that I am on my own now. I don't have a boss breathing down my neck, slobbering at my door, questioning my decisions. All I have to do is come here, be cool, and get my shit done. It's perfect.

5. I am a procrastinating crammer.

After 34 years, I've finally realized I am a crammer. In college I'd write papers the night before they were due. At work I can have two months to get a project done, barely touch it, then pull something out of my ass the 11th hour. I no longer stress over this because it's how I am.

6. There's no need to stress.

I realized there are two reasons why I stress over work: one, I'm not doing my job or two, someone else isn't doing their job.

If I'm not doing my job, then I need to fucking do it. End of story. If someone else isn't doing their job, there's not much I can do about it. I can talk to the person or HR, but that never seems to help. The only other options are to either get over it or leave.

Obviously I'm the leaving type. If you aren't then my advice to you is Tim Gunn's advice, "Make it work."

7. Balance is everything.

Part of the reason why I had such a shitty relationship with bosses is because I was expecting way too much from them. I was expecting them to nurture me, empower me, and encourage me to shine. Yeah, those bosses are rare.

I realize now that if my job isn't giving me what I want, then I need to find it in other areas of my life. If my job sucks my soul, then my personal life must replenish it.

Luckily, I believe Iron is one of the good bosses. She's smart, competent, constantly shows her appreciation, gave me a nice bonus, and told me I'm getting a raise next week.

I love my job AND my boss! WHO AM I!?!?!?!

Real Love?

Things with MDLL are going SUPER well. He's still waiting to hear back from his lawyer about the divorce (it's a friend who is doing it for free, so he doesn't want to be too pushy), but other than that (yes, I know it's still a big BUT) things are awesome. He is more communicative than he's ever been. He's opened up about the divorce, where he is in life, how he feels about me, and where we are headed. We go on dates, he treats me well, and he's still the best kisser in the world. Each day we hang out I find myself falling more and more in love with him. It's amazing to me how he gets funnier, sexier, and more interesting every day.

Over the weekend we reflected on the past year, specifically how all of our ups and downs affected us. We laughed about it and pinky swore not to break up again. I told him I've held back on sharing my thoughts about our future because I was afraid I'd scare him off. He said not to worry about it; he thinks about our future, too. I shared a couple of things, like how we should have a Crazy Ass table at our wedding for all of our friends from the bar. I did not tell him that I regularly update my wedding guestlist spreadsheet and have been looking at bridal gowns. Yes, I have become THAT GIRL.

Truthfully it's fun being THAT GIRL. I am excited to be with MDLL, I am excited to be in love, and I'm excited to have met someone I actually want a future with. I've always had an overactive imagination, so it's natural for me to daydream about what our home, wedding, kid (I'm thinking one boy), and life will be like. What isn't coming natural is accepting all of this.

After ten years of failed relationships, I am having a hard time believing MDLL and I are together. I, Thighs McGee, have a boyfriend. I, Thighs McGee, have met the man I want to marry. ME. THIGHS. The former commitmentphobe Jedi-slut. WHAT THE WHAT?

I do not doubt MDLL loves me, cares about me, or that we are both in it for the long haul. Actually I'm not even sure if what I'm feeling is doubt...maybe disbelief? Here is an example:

Last night we went out to dinner, then took the train home together. He invited me to his place and I declined saying it was too cold (20 degrees). I just wanted to go home, put on fleece pants, and veg. He looked sad and said, okay well I want to hang out with you, so I'll come to your place. Sweet, right?

We spent the night snuggling and watching TV. It was perfect. He's perfect. At one point he got up and time sort of stood still. I stared at him and thought, "Is this real? This isn't real. This can't be real."

I can't believe it. How the hell did *I* find love? I've been single my whole life. I can tell you how to meet guys, how to get laid (simply ask them), and how to politely break up with someone, but I have no experience with long-term serious relationships. If we move in together, where/when can I talk to myself or laugh-cry in the fetal position? What happens if the sex gets boring? Will his family like me? Will we always be attracted to each other?

The funny thing is, I now think the roller coaster ride of our relationship actually made it easier for me to digest being one. MDLL had one foot out the door for months. I'm used to guys not liking me, so it was "normal" to feel like this was temporary. Now that he's invested in me and in us, it's a bit jarring. Holy-shit-I'm-someone's-girlfriend jarring.

As fun as it is being THAT GIRL, I know I'm not ready to move in with MDLL or get married yet. He needs to get divorced (duh) and I need to adjust to no longer being a spinster. Like I wrote in an earlier post, I am SUPER excited to see what this year holds for us. I just have to remember to take it slow.

2012 Resolutions

For the first time in my life, my resolutions will not include losing weight and getting a boyfriend. Hooray!

1. Read.

I am starting this year off with Let The Great World Spin, Dark Tower Book 1, and Twilight. I also now regularly read the NYTimes online and just started buying the Sunday paper. Part of this resolution includes mastering the NYTimes crossword every week.

2. Volunteer.

I miss volunteering. I want to find something art or environment related, flexible with my work schedule, and more organized than NYCares.

3. Pay a little more each month to my debt.

I reached the halfway point of paying off my credit card debt. Have I ever said the total on Thighs? Brace yourself...$45K. FORTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Christ. I am now down to $21K. I wish I was a bit happier about this. I've come so far AND I have a way better relationship with money. Live and learn, right?

4. Continue to make my health my number one priority.

Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially...every-ally. Eat right, exercise, floss, sing, dance, meditate, write, draw. Do everything I can to love myself and love my life.

5. Become aware

This goes along with reading, of course. I want to learn and be knowledgeable about current events, politics, and the state of the world. It's a bit overwhelming because I'm not sure where to start, but I'm glad I'm finally interested.

That's it for now...not too shabby!!

Happy New Year!

I'm so excited for 2012!! Right now I'm pumped for the crazy conversion crunch that will be the next two weeks at work and to see what this year will bring with MDLL.

I am FUCKING PSYCHED. The excitement, the positivity, the possibilities, the unknown...I can't take it!! GAH!! ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! Anything! Sure, anything can happen any day, but I feel a lot wonderful things will happen this year. I am freaking out in a good way!

I really need to slow my roll, but I can't! I feel like the guy who saw the double rainbow...



Deep breaths...stop blogging...focus on work...

IMGOINGTOPEEMYPANTS!!

2011 Year in Review: I didn't know.

2011 is coming to an end tomorrow. I can't believe it. I MADE IT!

In a conversation with myself this morning, the theme of this year became clear:

I didn't know.

I didn't know a lot of things about myself, my life, and my world before 2011. Here is what I know now:

I know I am a good, decent, caring person. I know I am sensitive, empathic, and resilient. I know I won't give up on myself or others. I know my limits, my weaknesses, and my strengths. For the first time in my life, I know and love Me.

I knew Boob Saga shook me last summer, but I didn't know how much it would change my life...

Cee said it's possible I had post-traumatic stress disorder for the last sixteen years. Some doctors have found PTSD can stunt a person's emotional and mental growth, keeping them frozen in time from when the trauma occurred. I believe it. The angst and pain I've felt my entire adult life was strangely immature, like I was still a teenager. Read the last four years of Thighs for proof!

I now believe once my implant was removed, my body and soul purged everything. The last few months of 2010 were filled with sharing and recovering from Boob Saga, confronting my fears about 9/11 and my stove, sleepless nights, anxiety, and lots of tears. 2011 started with seven months of a sick slumber. When I awoke I found love.

I love myself, my friends, my family, my boyfriend, my job, my home, my city, my gods. Everything. The implant was in my left breast covering my heart for sixteen years. I believe once it was removed, my heart was free to love again.

My body continued purging long after my surgery. It transformed itself. Being sick this year was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can no longer drink beer, eat crap food, or blow it out every night. My body won't let me. It saved me from my self-sabotaging ways.

I learned so much this year. I know how important my friends and family are to me. I know how important it is to be a kind and respectful person, especially at work. I know there is no right or wrong, only understanding. I know happiness isn't something you need to find. It's just there waiting for you to embrace it. So is love.

Thank you 2011 for being the best worst year of my life.

Thank you Heather for being there when I needed you most.

Thank you Mom, Dad, and Richie for also being there now and always. It took a long time for me to get to a place where I am not afraid to love you anymore. I am very, very happy you are my family.

Thank you Matt for bringing a new kind of love into my life. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. It's funny, they say real love is worth the wait. I don't think that's right, though. It's not worth the wait, it makes you feel like there wasn't a wait.

And thanks to all of you for following me on my journey this year. 2012 is going to be epic. I can feel it.

Best. Christmas. Ever!

I had SUCH a great Christmas this year. Rippie and I went to No Idea on Thursday night, our annual pre-going-home-for-the-holidays drink up spot in the city. We went to Jackson the next day and that night I got to see my friend Annie for a bit. Saturday was filled with shopping, drinking, eating, football, movies, and midnight mass to hear my dad sing in the choir. Sunday was more eating and movies. Monday we went to my uncle's in Long Island, then made a last minute trip to Bay Ridge to see my favorite cousins Dawn, Jody, and their kids. I had so much fun with my family!! We laughed a lot and I truly enjoyed their company. YAY!

MDLL and I celebrated our Christmas last night. It was FANTASTIC. I can't stop smiling. His flight from Pittsburgh got to NYC around 6pm, so I decided to pick him up from the airport. I made a cheesy glittery sign with his last name on it to hold up and poured some vodka into a couple of seltzer water bottles so we can drink on the way home. He was glowing, I was glowing. It was all very glowy.

I really didn't know what to expect in terms of presents because MDLL never bought me one. He told me he was worried I wouldn't like what he bought. Well, he was wrong! SO WRONG!

I asked for a book on the history of the subway, which he got me. Everything else was a complete surprise: A CAMERA, because I mentioned I needed a new one like two months ago; a Captain America shield hoodie; a Star Wars lightsaber candle holder that is so friggin cool - this is what it says on the box: "You could win people over to the dark side of the Force by using mind tricks and fear tactics, but you prefer a gentler hand. A candlelit dinner, perhaps, followed by fresh-baked cookies. Let Vader's power shine over you both."; and last a Star Wars Lego toy which is creepy because I JUST decided I needed to start buying them like two weeks ago and didn't tell him! HE KNOWS ME!

I bought him a speaker dock for his iPod, a sleeve for his MacBook, the Steve Jobs book (Apple much?), Step-Brothers and MacGruber DVDs (his favorites of late), and a couple of nice cigars. He loved everything!! I KNOW HIM!

After presents he took me out for a nice steak dinner, then we came back to my place to get jiggy with it. SNOOTCH!

The past week was filled with friends, family, plenty of wonderful gifts, tons of laughs, and lots of love...easily the BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVER!

I hope your Christmas was awesome, too!!

Yay good thoughts!

Yaaaayyy! The good thoughts worked!

I had a three day hangover. The morning nausea seems to be related to the rice cake with peanut butter I was eating for breakfast almost all week. At first I thought it was due to taking a stronger dose of Synthroid on an empty stomach. Actually it could still be that...I was fine yesterday morning when I didn't eat the rice cake and had a huge dinner the night before at Uno's. I hate going to chains in the city, but they have a gluten free menu! The pizza was okay; Mozzarelli's on 23rd Street is loads better. HIGHLY recommend it. Anyways, I didn't eat much dinner last night, ate a rice cake this morning, and voila - nausea.

Besides the morning yucks, I feel fantastic! It's been a great week! My male boss, who I guess I'll call Miron since my female boss is Iron, called me into his office and closed the door. He barely ever talks to me, so I'll admit I was a bit nervous. Well, they still love me and I'm getting a 10% bonus! Yay! Moola plans:

1.10% to charity. It's time to pay it forward! I'm thinking local NYC ones. Please let me know if you have a charity you'd like me to donate to.

2. Take MDLL out on a nice date.

3. A bunch of us are going to New Orleans for Rockstar's 40th birthday in February, so now that's paid for!

4. Boots. The weather has been so nice that I've been able to get away without a pair, but it's bound to snow soon.

5. Taxes and debt. I'm not sure what's going to happen with my taxes this year. This is my first job where I don't have ANY pre-tax deductions. Hopefully I don't end up owing. If I don't, the rest of my bonus is going right to my debt. If I do, I'm fortunate to be able to pay! I was just saying to Juniper last night that I don't mind paying taxes. I just wish I knew where it all went.

My brother Rippie is flying in from LA right now. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM! I'm heading home right at 5pm and starting my four day weekend. Next week I'll probably work from home, then I have another four day weekend. LIFE IS GRAND!

There's only one thing I'm a bit bummy about, but it's not so bad. In fact, it's better than bad - it's good!

MDLL left for Pittsburgh last night. He's gone for a week. It's the longest we've been apart, not counting our five thousand break ups. I cried!! I miss him sooooo much and I'm bummed we can't spend Christmas together. So why is this a good thing? I am so incredibly thankful and blessed to have found someone I love and know they love me back. The more I miss him, the more I know he is The One. YAAAAAYYYY!!!

Good thoughts! Healthy thoughts!

I've stayed pretty positive for a good month now. I don't want it to end! I do find myself a bit down today, though. I was a little nauseous and had the cold sweats in the evening. Once I ate dinner I felt fine.

Today I'm tired and a bit rundown. I'm trying to stay cool about it, but it's hard. I immediately go through the list of things I ate, what I did, etc., which sort of makes me feel worse because I'm playing the blame game with myself again. I don't think it's food related. It's quite possibly I'm getting my annual Christmas cold and flu.

I also have to admit to myself I went out a lot this week, more than I have in quite a while. Wednesday night MDLL came over and we almost polished off a bottle of vodka. (Sobieski is the shit!) I was in the mood to get my drink on and I succeeded! MDLL said he hadn't seen me that drunk in months. At around 1:30am I finally put myself to bed. Thursday I was hungover and hurting alllll daaaaay.

Friday I went out with my Minnow girls Ceej and Breen. It was so fun!! I miss those bitches. I drank a lot of vodka again, got home around midnight, then stayed up until 2am doing who knows what.

Saturday I woke up at 7am and couldn't go back to sleep. I went to yoga at 11am then took a two hour nap before heading into the city to do some Christmas shopping. I went to MDLL's apartment on my way home for dinner (delicious gluten-free pizza from Mozzarelli's!) and planned on calling it an early night. It didn't happen. We went to the Crazy Ass holiday party around 10pm and left at around 2am to carry home the flat screen TV he won at their raffle. WOO HOOO!! We were up until about 3am setting it up and watching a bit of Star Wars.

The NEXT morning (haven't you missed these kinds of posts?) I woke up at 8am, couldn't go back to sleep, blah blah blah skip to feeling crappy in the evening until I ate dinner. I slept a solid ten hours and I might do it again tonight.

The Steelers are playing Monday Night Football, so I told MDLL I'd come over and watch the game with him. I think I need to just go home. I don't want to get sick and we have a date tomorrow night anyways. He's going home to Pittsburgh for a week on Wednesday, so I want to spend tomorrow with him before he leaves. I'm really sad we aren't spending Christmas together. Here's hoping we will from now on!

Anyhoooo...I wrote this post for myself. I mean, I write all of them for myself, but I'm bummed about not feeling well and I need to stop freaking out...

Dear Thighs,

I know we've been through a lot this year and you're worried it's going to get bad again. It won't! I PROMISE. Just two weeks ago we had a gluten attack and felt awesome after a few days. It will pass! Every Christmas we get some sort of bug or flu, so that's very well what could be happening right now. Also, we partied a lot this week, so it could be a massive drawn out hangover. We're still healthy overall!

Relax. We didn't do anything wrong, except act like we're a drunk twenty-something again. Stop feeling guilty you're hurting our body. The guilt is making you feel worse. Next time we have to remember we don't like being hungover and we need our sleep!

Self-inflicted boozing ills aside, sickness is a part of life. It's going to happen no matter how hard we try to avoid it. Say something did happen, what do we know now? We know we like and trust our doctor, we know we have good support in our friends, we know Mom and Dad will come running to our rescue, and we know we will be strong and face it head on. We are not alone.

Go home, relax, watch TV, and got to bed early. After a good night's sleep tonight, I'm sure we'll feel like a zillion bucks tomorrow.

Love,

Me/You/Us

MY Struggles

I woke up this morning and reread my last post. It occurred to me these aren’t world struggles; they are MY world struggles. World struggles would include famine, disease, war, lack of freedom, things I am fortunate enough to not have to live with and hopefully never will.

I am lucky to live in a country where everyone has a voice, an opinion, and freedom. I am lucky to have a life in which I am not stressing out about feeding myself, my kids, paying a mortgage, or trying to find work. My good life has afforded me the opportunity to focus on issues that do not directly concern me. Instead of seeing this as a burden, I now think of it as a gift. Do you think a single mother with five kids cares about the TLC show losing advertisers? Fuck no.

On my way to work this morning I had a moment of clarity. I exited the train with a furrowed brow and heavy heart, deep in thought about my post. The stairway out of the station was packed for pedestrian rush hour and here was this dumb lady allowing her two year old daughter to slowly walk up each step on her own. I was so irritated. Pick up your fucking kid and get out of our way!

As I rushed pass them, a heard a man behind me ask, “Do you need help?” The woman’s response was dripping with gratitude, “YES! THANK YOU!” Here I was caught up in my own bullshit, ignoring the fact this woman was carrying a stroller while her daughter walked in front of her. It did not occur to me she couldn’t carry both of them. Ironic after I just wrote how proud I am of my common courteous, right?

I laughed out loud. It was exactly what I needed to feel better and get my head out of my ass. There is no right and wrong. There is only understanding.

The world is suffering. This is not pessimistic, it’s the truth. Chances are I will not be able to change it on a larger scale. All I can do is change my perspective and make MY world meet my expectations. I want a world filled with PLUR, an acronym a heard from my club days – peace, love, unity, and respect.

If the world is suffering, if death is inevitable, there is no reason to stress about it. Accepting this may sound like giving up, but it’s not. Acknowledging the dark makes the light seem that much brighter. If I want to make a difference, all I need to do is shine my own light bright and empower others to do the same.

Another safety tip...

If you live alone, do not have your full name on your mailbox or buzzer. Thieves can scope out an apartment to rob by doing this, figure out who you are, when you leave, and break in. Worse things can happen if you are home and they don't care.

Instead of having your full name, just have your last name. This way no one knows if it's one person, a couple, or a family. If that's not possible, ladies at least just have your first initial and full last name. Unless you're Pat or Chris, it will be obvious you're a chick on your lonesome.

Sorry, just something to think about.

World Struggles

The beginning of this year I was so focused on surviving that nothing else seemed to matter. No, I wasn't dying. I didn't have cancer or AIDS or something horrible. I was sick, confused, depressed, and afraid because I didn't know what was happening to me. Now that I'm healthy again something has shifted.

If you've noticed some of my recent posts are about the world beyond the Thighs bubble. I have a new perspective and outlook on my life. Things that stressed me out to no end - issues with work, boys, friends, money, etc. - don't seem as devastating as they did a year ago. Don't get me wrong; I still get anxious if something is troubling me in these areas, but the feeling doesn't last as long. I'm learning to acknowledge the issue and take action only when I can do so in a way that is respectful to both myself and the other person (if one is involved).

Naturally if I'm becoming less focused on Me, I'm beginning to focus on the We, as in mankind.

I never liked watching the news because I hate what I see and hear. I hate hearing about rapes, murders, crime, the economy, religious fanaticism, politics, war...you name it and chances are I'd rather put my head in the sand than hear about any of this shit.

It's time I grew up. I AM growing up, right before my eyes. I care what happens in my community. I want to know what's happening in the world. And I want to know how I can help. The problem is I don't know HOW to help on a larger scale.

I take great pride in the fact that I have become a nice, caring, and polite woman. I help old ladies cross the street, give food to the homeless, hold doors for people, and always say my pleases and thank yous. I am a big believer in the pay it forward concept. I think people respond well to kindness and are usually kind in return. Love really does conquer all. I realized my biggest obstacle in life was to learn how to accept and give love without fear. I haven't mastered this by any means, but I am trying. At least now I know.

It is a challenge to be kind and love some days. Today was one of them. I felt great this morning until I read this article. I heard some advertisers stopped airing their commercials during the TLC show All-American Muslim last week, but I didn't know the details. Once I read how an Anti-Muslim group in Florida influenced companies to pull their ads (Lowes Hardware being the most vocal about their decision), I was infuriated. RED SHE-HULK ANGRY. I've been on the verge of tears all day ever since I read it. Not all Muslims are terrorists just like all Christians and Catholics aren't ignorant fucks, you ignorant fucks!

I became so incredibly angry, not just about about this article, but hate in general. The hate all over the internet and television is making me sick to my stomach. Honestly I am more upset about what is happening in the world now than I was witnessing 9/11. Granted I've still got some hidden post-traumatic stress lurking in my psyche from that day, but I'm working through it.

I am a white, blonde haired, blue eyed, upper middle class Christian. At least I was raised Christian. Today I believe in a higher power, one with no sect, that lives in each of us. Mine is Shian. Yours is something else.

In my idealistic world, everyone would be equal. You can celebrate any God you want, marry who you want, be who you want. There would be universal healthcare, free education, and environmental respect. We would nurture each other because we are all one. Hold on...I'm going to smoke a bowl and hug a tree real quick.

What troubles me about this is, my ideal world is MY ideal world. Every single person has their own ideal world. Who is right?

Using abortion as an example, I am strongly pro-choice. I don't understand how a woman could NOT be pro-choice. That being said, I am anti-abortion for myself. Luckily I've never gotten pregnant, so I never had to choose. I just know me and I would absolutely regret my decision, even if it was the best one for the baby. Now an anti-abortionist would have their own strong views on the subject. We could debate it for the rest of our lives, but neither of us will budge. I feel I'm right because it's a woman's own personal choice that has nothing to do with me, so why should I stop her from doing it? The anti-abortionist feels she's right because the fetus doesn't have a voice of its own and she feels the need to speak for the unborn child.

This brings me back to my problem. I want to make a difference on a larger scale, but basically what I'm saying is I want to change other people's perspectives and opinions to be inline with my own. Wouldn't that mean forming an Anti-Anti-Muslim group? If I boycott Lowes for not sharing my beliefs, aren't I just as bad as they are? I don't think the government should stop a woman from having an abortion or gays to marry, but just because I think this, should both be legal? I can hear people say, yes because it's the right thing to do, but who is defining right??

Sigh. I'm losing my train of thought now. I'm struggling with the world today. While I'm confused and feeling things are a bit hopeless, it is nice to finally care.

Introducing...

Bernice, my first real Christmas tree!

Why Bernice? I don't know, the name just popped into my head as I was cutting the netting off. It totally fits because now that her branches are dropping she has a nice big booty.



I CAN'T WAIT TO DECORATE HER!

Astoria Part 2

I decided to send my Astoria post to a local neighborhood website and post it on Facebook. I received such lovely feedback! Writing means everything to me; to have people appreciate it (Thighs followers included!) is a wonderful feeling.

In the week since I wrote the post there has been a murder, an attempted murder (same shooter and family), a rape, and two armed robberies. Who knows how many unreported crimes have happened as well.

I love New York. I really do. I feel safer in Manhattan than I do any other city. I'm not so sure about Astoria now. Times are different. Occupy Wall Street has opened my eyes to the social inequalities that have always been there, but I was too young and/or blind to see them. I am part of the 99%, yet my salary actually makes me part of the 25%. I am single, no dependents, renting, carless, and although I pay a shitload of money to my COBRA health insurance and my ridiculous credit card debt, I still have plenty of disposable income. I understand the 1% makes at least five times the salary I do, but can I honestly look at someone on welfare and say, "We're both the 99%?" Of course not. And I know that isn't the point of the OWS movement.

The thing is imagine you live in the Astoria projects. All of a sudden you see these yuppies moving in close to your turf without a care in the world. Sure I was making shit money when I worked in Publishing early on, but I wasn't poor. I chose to become poor by living beyond my means and without a roommate, hence the debt. I did it to myself.

How would you feel if you're struggling to pay your bills and feed your kids while your new upper middle class neighbors are dressing up as zombies and doing a pub crawl? How would you feel if you're a teen watching your parents (or parent) struggle? How would you feel if you're working two jobs to make ends meet and see hundreds of iPod listening, cellphone talking, Kindle reading people on the subway?

Believe me, I am not condoning crime nor am I saying we should feel guilty over our successes. NOT AT ALL. All I am saying is I can see why people are tempted to strike the neighborhood now. There's always been a lot of money in Astoria, but (from what I know) this is the first time it's spreading across into areas without it.

I'm not sure what to do about any of this, except write and give out my two cent safety tips. Here's another one:

Ladies, if I'm walking alone at night, sometimes I'll put my wallet in my back pocket, my keys in my front pocket, and my phone in my jacket (if I'm wearing one) even if I'm carrying a purse. My thought is, if someone mugs me, chances are they'll only want my bag. I know a lot of you carry thick wallets, so at the very least put your license in a pocket. This way if they take your bag, they won't know where you live. If they take your bag with your ID and keys, then smarter criminals will break into your apartment.

I realize some of my posts of late can read crazy. THE END IS NIGH!! I don't think that at all. In fact, I believe 2012 will be a great year of transformation and new beginnings. I want to make sure everyone I care about will enjoy it. Neighbors included.

Mom?

A couple of my friends know this woman on Facebook.



Add a "t", swap out a couple of "a"s for "o"s and it becomes my mom's name.

Cracks me up every time I see it!

Weirdo.

In cleaning out my books on Sunday I found a Lisa Frank tin with the following inside:



1. The tail and snake to a Todd McFarlane's Toys Spawn Series Medusa plastic figure

2. Wonder Woman Pez dispenser

3. A She-Ra watch

4. A ballerina slipper pin my grandmother gave me probably around thirty years ago

5. One of Barbie Alice in Wonderland's shoes

6. A prism ball I took off of a chandelier at the Regent Diner in Howell, NJ when I was seventeen. It was one of my favorite things to play with while tripping.

If you ever wondered if I was a weirdo, now you know.

Glutened!

Life is really good. I've never felt this blessed, fortunate, or alive. It's been an amazing year of ups and downs, tears and laughs, happiness and well, happiness. I almost wrote sadness, but I don't feel sad anymore.

I'll save the details for my 2011 in review post. Today I'm having a physical down. The nice thing is I don't feel mentally, spiritually, or emotionally down at the same time. It's not the superfecta of pain I experienced earlier this year.

My diet is basically back to what it used to be, sans gluten. Hold the wheat, barley, and rye, please! I'm still not drinking beer, eating bread, pasta, pizza, or many processed foods. All is not lost, though. There are plenty of tacos, nachos (hold the chili), burgers (hold the bun), fries, etc. to hold me over. My sensitivity to gluten hasn't stopped me from eating out or having a few drinks. In fact, going without glutenous foods has been amazingly easy and educational. I've learned that clean eating is clean living. I also learned Dr. Atkins was right; you want to keep weight off, limit your carbs! I'm still only 160 pounds even after bringing my calories up to about 2,000 a day.

On Saturday I went to my friend Brauny's housewarming party. I always eat a big meal beforehand or bring snacks to people's apartments just in case I can't eat what they are serving. Luckily I have very thoughtful friends who go out of their way to pick up gluten free things, ie chips, hummus, veggies. You know who you are - THANK YOU!

I pretty much stuck to what I could drink and eat without a problem. And boy did I drink. I must have had at least six or seven VOKA drinks (I apparently say "vodka" without the "d") and had sips of eggnog and delicious whiskey. In my drunken stupor I decided the cannolis were too good to pass up. RUH-ROH, SHAGGY.

Sorry folks, the only way I can describe how I ate the cannoli is to say I sucked and fingered it to ensure I was only eating the cream and not the cookie part. FA! Unfortunately, I ended up eating some big crumbs anyways. Dumb 2am decision.

The next morning I was pretty hungover, naturally. I haven't drank that much in a while. I was able to power through and get a lot of shit done. I went food shopping at my usual three stores - Associated for boxed things, Organics for All for gluten free cereal (so good!), and Y & Y Green Market for produce. I went through all of my books and have near a hundred to donate to the library. I decorated my apartment for Christmas, finally putting white lights and snow around my living room like I've always wanted. All of this while watching the Jets and Giants games. It was a FANTASTIC Sunday.

Then I ate sushi. Sushi hasn't been a problem for me to date. It's gluten free as long as you steer clear of fried ingredients and not use too much soy sauce. Some brands have gluten in the caramel coloring. I don't know why.

Two hours later I was in horrible pain and extremely nauseous. I took a good dump, then doubled over in the fetal position and cried. Crying always makes me feel better. Fortunately my parents were already on their way up. They were in Staten Island all day and wanted to go to the Bronx for cheesecake on Monday, so they asked to crash last minute. They were still about thirty minutes away when I was glutened, so I called MDLL.

MDLL was watching football all day and was still at the bar when I called. I told him what was happening and said he didn't have to come over, that I just wanted someone to talk to until my parents got there. In true knight in shining armor fashion he sternly said, "Thighs. Stop it. I'll be there in ten minutes." hopped into a cab and came over. He walked in, pulled me into his lap, and rocked me while I sobbed. It was the sweetest thing.

When my parents arrived, it was a disgusting lovefest. I was so happy to have everyone there. I felt very loved and cared for, that is until the three of them starting making fun of me, then ate sandwiches and brownies while I'm lying on the floor. Ah, family! We aim to tease.

Yesterday I felt okay. I was still hunching over, but I felt well enough to get to work and therapy. I ate very plainly to help my tummy heal. Today didn't go so well, though. I woke up feeling fine, then didn't have much energy. I shuffled my way to the subway, stood on the train, and then the shit hit the fan again. It was the same thing that happened back in January when I went to the ER. Sweat was pouring out of me. No joke - my hair was soaked, my clothes were damp, I could feel the sweat down my legs and in my socks. I wiped my brow and had a puddle in my hand. I got super dizzy and almost yelled timber when a seat freed up. I sat down to stop from passing out.

I zombie walked out of 5th Avenue station, hailed a cab and went right to my doctor's office. Ironically I was there last week for a check-up. We were both ecstatic over how well I feel now. I cannot recommend Dr. Amy Bleyer from Murray Hill Medical enough. Bacon, thank you so much for sending me to her!!

Dr. Bleyer saw me right away. She thinks it was the sushi rather than the cannoli because of the timeline. Or it could be a combination of the cannoli, the soy sauce and whatever is in the tuna roll hit the max amount of gluten my body can handle. She gave me a prescription for Prilosec to lower the acidity in my stomach, a muscle relaxer to help ease the pain in my core, said I shouldn't have gone to work yesterday, and need to rest. I love that Dr. Bleyer takes me and my non-diagnosed celiac seriously. I obviously have SOMETHING wrong with me and not eating gluten makes me feel better. Dr. Bleyer supports and encourages me to listen to my gut, literally.

I might lose some of you with this part...in therapy I asked Cee if we could sit with my pain and understand it. Have I mentioned focusing? It's a wonderful way to become in tune with yourself and others. I'll write more about it another day. Last night I focused on my pain and two words immediately came to me: "empty existence."

After some thought, I've come to believe my gluten intolerance is a blessing. Prior to this year, my body, soul, and mind was malnourished. I fed myself empty calories, made empty decisions, and had empty thoughts. It makes me wonder if digestive problems are only related to food. Is it possible the body reacts to other things we are unable to digest, like life struggles and negativity? A lot of people eat and drink their feelings. Wouldn't it make sense that eventually our bodies find a way to do what we aren't capable to do mentally and emotionally, ie stop drinking, smoking, or overeating?

I need to sit with the "existence" part of the phrase. Maybe if I am malnourished, I exist, but not to my fullest potential...

See? How can I be upset with being glutened when it gives me food for thought?

Astoria

February is my 8th anniversary of living in Astoria. When I decided to finally get my own place in 2003, I was hoping to stay in Brooklyn. At the time I was living between my grandmother's old apartment in Bay Ridge (she passed away a couple of years earlier) and my parents' house in Jackson. I LOVE Bay Ridge, but it was too far from the city for me. I targeted areas a little closer like Carroll Gardens, Park Slope, and Prospect Heights, but the rents were already jacked up after 9/11 and I couldn't afford it.

My friend Gerf was born and raised in Astoria and suggested I check out the neighborhood. My immediate thought was, "Ugh, I fucking hate Queens!" Besides my post-college beer garden shenanigans, I had only been to Queens a few times on my own, once to go to an outlaw (illegal outdoor rave) under a highway overpass (a story for another time), another after a rave in Manhattan led to an acid party at some guy's apartment, and I'm pretty sure once to buy coke, but I didn't get out of the car. Not only did all of my Queens interactions share recreational drug use, but they also shared getting lost. "How can 76th Street be next to 49th Street!?!?!" "Why the fuck is there a 63rd Rd/Ave/Dr right next to each other!?!?! Did Queens run out of numbers!??!"

Out of desperation, I checked out Astoria in January 2004. I found a broker named Eugene who was SUPER nice. He showed me one small apartment that I'm pretty sure was near the post office on 43rd and Broadway. You know how it is in foreign neighborhoods; I had no idea where I was at all. He then showed me another apartment at the top floor of a three family house on 37th Street and Broadway. I said no way, I'm a loud drunk that would wake up the entire building. He laughed and said thanks for being honest because it was HIS building and lived on the first floor.

Last came Delilah Foray (4A). I fell in love with her immediately. A nice one bedroom on a quiet street between the R/V/G and N/W trains, three to four stops from Manhattan. Prime location, good price. Top floor of a sixteen family stand-alone building. Roof access. I moved in a month later.

I didn't really hang out in the neighborhood too often since all of my friends lived in Manhattan, but I did enjoy walking around. Astoria is known for a big Greek population, but that's more on the Ditmars side. On my side of town there are tons of different cultures and ethnicities: Polish, Croatian, Middle Eastern, Hispanic, Italian, Russian, Irish, Asian the list goes on. I remember feeling I was one of the few natural blondes, if not the only one. I don't mean this in a bad way; it was nice to be in a melting pot.

A year later I started working at Company. A lot of my coworkers lived in Astoria too, so it was the first time I really had a social life near home. I guess it was around then that I noticed I had neighbors who were my peers. I enjoyed living among a small group of twenty-something newbies and long time Astorians from around the world.

Fast forward to now. The secret of Astoria is out! Yayboo! Booyay! I'll admit it - I'm torn about the yuppie influx. I'm sure that's how people felt when I moved in. It's all relative.

The Yay!: I barely ever go into Manhattan on the weekends now that most of my friends live in the 'hood. A ton of cool new bars and tasty restaurants are opening up. The subways and streets are always crowded, making the area safer late at night.

That last bit being said, the Boo!: Unfortunately the bad part about being the hot place to live means crime is on the rise.

I heard from a few people that Astoria used to be a pretty shitty neighborhood. Gang violence was common as recent as the 90s. There are projects in Western Astoria; my friend Jules and I made the mistake of walking over there once thinking it was the way to the park. It was not. I don't want class and race to cloud my judgment, then again I don't want to be naive and unsafe.

While I grew up in buttfuck Jackson, NJ my parents and family were raised in Brooklyn. We came to the city at least six times a year, so my parents made sure we had some basic street smarts. I get the feeling the new Astorians do not have any. Do not be fooled, people. This is still NYC. I don't know everything and hell, I have just as much of a chance to be mugged or robbed, but here are some of my observations and opinions:

1. Don't live in a desolate area just because the rent is cheap. Thieves know there are a ton of iPeople in the area. They could break into any apartment and easily walk off with five or six electronics. The number of reported gropings has risen recently, too. It could happen anywhere, but staying in populated areas will hopefully decrease your chances of being attacked. I advise friends not to live too far west of 31st Street on the south side of Astoria Blvd or below 36th Avenue. It seems anywhere east and north of there is okay, although I don't suggest going too far past Steinway because there aren't any subways north of 46th Street. Living near mass transit is best because there will be more people.

2. Be nice to your neighbors. Common courtesy goes along way. I've seen plenty of the new Astorians push pass a woman struggling with a stroller up subway stairs or not hold doors for people. Be polite. Having a strong sense of community and togetherness keeps the neighborhood safe. You never know when you might need help. Pay it forward.

3. Girls, watch your purses. If you put it behind you on a bar chair, be sure there's a coat on top or your friends are surrounding you. If you are at a sidewalk cafe, don't put your purse on the street side of the table. Someone can easily grab it and run off.

4. This I can't believe...DON'T RUN AT NIGHT WITH HEADPHONES ON. Hell, try not to have headphones on at night at all or at least keep the volume down so you can hear if someone's behind you.

5. I've seen at least two or three people leaving an ATM actually counting their money for all to see. This is not Ohio. You are not getting into your car and driving away. Everyone knows if you've gone to an ATM you have cash on you. Don't be dumb.

6. Don't spit on the sidewalks. It's fucking gross. Also, don't litter!

Okay, I'm done. Ruth Clare Jenkins (my 81 year old alter ego) has taken over!

Truthfully I'm not sure what's happening to me lately. Earlier this year I learned what it's like to lose something. Now I find myself more aware, sentimental, kind, and invested. My home is a part of this. I love Astoria. There is definitely a change coming to the neighborhood and I want to do my part to ensure it is for the betterment of everyone.

Trippy!

I don't have celiac disease, but how strange is this?

Can't keep up?

As you probably gathered from my last post, MDLL and I are back together. Sort of. Don't worry; I can't keep up either.

The weekend after Halloween we had an amazing talk. He is moving forward with the divorce and it should be processed by the end of the year. He shared some very intimate and loving things, too. (I'm keeping them to myself. Nyah, nyah!) Last week we had a very good email discussion about things as well. We're moving in the right direction.

I'm sure I've quoted Albert Einstein*'s definition of insanity numerous times on Thighs. I guess that's what insane people do. This quote hit home with me in regards to my relationship with MDLL.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results."

The insanity cycle:

1. We have an amazing time for 4-6 weeks.
2. We ignore tough discussions because things are going so well.
3. Something happens where one of us (me) can't ignore our issues anymore.
4. We talk, hit a wall, and break up because I don't know what else to do.
5. A week or two goes by, we miss each other, talk, and get back together.
6. Rinse and repeat.

One could say if we stayed broken up, the cycle would be over. While true, it's unrealistic. We're in love. We'll always go back.

The real problem is Step 2. We are INSANE to keep ignoring our issues and expecting they will resolve themselves on their own. If we want to be together, we need to work on our relationship together. He's willing, I'm willing, so let's do this.



*Some sites say this is really a Ben Franklin quote. The internet has too much garbage. Gah!

Blasts from the Past AGAIN

Three ex-umm...what do I call them? They definitely aren't ex-boyfriends as I only dated them for at most six weeks.

Three ex-MEN have not only come back into my life, but now live within walking distance. You're going to need the Thighs Guyde for this.

The Gentleman moved around the corner four months ago. Literally around the corner. I can probably look into his bedroom window if I wanted. We see each other in the street at least once a month. I still find him attractive and boring. Such a shame.

Mr. J moved from Brooklyn to about ten blocks away on my street. I was walking down the subway stairs when I looked across to the other staircase and there he was, walking toward me. If this was a romantic comedy, the music would have started and we would have rushed into each other's arms. That's how ridiculous the timing was. It always is with Mr. J and I, though. I'm actually not surprised when I randomly see him once a year. We said the obligatory (?) "Let's get a drink." and went on our way. That was three months ago. In usual Mr. J fashion, I haven't heard from him. I'm okay with this.

On Saturday I went to yoga, had brunch with Brauny, and hung out with MDLL at Crazy Ass. MD was headed to a party around 9pm, but I was beat and decided to go home. Wouldn't you know it, I ran into another ex-man...Krull. For those who don't remember, Krull is a really hot ginger bartender (or was a bartender) I met at a friend's wedding about four years ago. I really liked him a lot, but it didn't work out. I don't think he was interested in dating me long term and looking back I wasn't in any condition for a real relationship either. I was still a batshit Jedi-slut then.

I felt like we had a nice connection. I always knew we'd meet up again, like there was some unfinished business between us. I think it's about inspiration. We both love to write; maybe we end up encouraging each other to do so. He's also a free spirit in the way I'd like to be. While I consider myself a free spirit in some ways, I am definitely grounded in the physical world. I've lived in the same apartment for eight years. I bounce around from company to company, but I'm still 9-5 corporate. From what I know of Krull, he's a world travel and an experience junkie. If there's something new or cool to do, he's game. At least that's the impression I get. I hope I'm the same once I pay off my credit card debt.

We stopped and talked for a few minutes. He was with a girl. I'm not sure if they are dating. He now lives five blocks away from me. We traded numbers and talked about getting a drink, but unlike Mr. J who, at this point the idea of annoys me, I'd really like to reconnect with Krull.

I choose to believe people from my past show up for two reasons: to teach me something and to validate I am in the right place at the right time. Yes it's possible to read the above and say, "Well duh, of course this would happen considering Astoria is the hot new neighborhood and you have at least 100 ex-men to run in to." Bygones.

Each time I talked to one of these guys, I thought one thing...

I love MDLL.

Thanks Universe for making this clear!

Holiday Cheer!

Am I boring you with my positivity yet? This blog is more interesting when I want to kill myself, isn't it?

YAAAYYY! I am SOOOO excited for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, everything this season. Maybe it's the love in the air. Maybe it's because I had such a shitty first half of 2011. Maybe it's because I wasn't into the holidays AT ALL last year, so I'm making up for it now.

WHO CARES!!

I'm going to make my living room a winter wonderland. I might even buy a real tree! I am geeking out over the amount of arts and crafts I want to do over the next three weeks.

***Attention Bear Family: If you are reading this, invite me over because I want to see Ev and meet Silas!! Gah!***

Rippie bought me samurai sword lessons a few months ago. I FINALLY feel well enough to take them! Tuesday was my first one. It was pretty cool! I wanted it to be a bit more authentic, though. Something like this:


Rather than this:


It wasn't outside and no one was in a suit, but you get the picture.

I have two more sessions left, then I get MY OWN SWORD! Woooooo!!

Tonight I'm heading to Jersey City to hang at Stacie's new pad, tomorrow is YOGA, and Sunday is a lovely brunch with the Company gals. Maybe I'll start my arts and crafts this weekend. I am very much excited. Hooray!

Giving thanks...

I'm creating the habit of giving thanks for a few things every day, whatever happens to strike me mid-afternoon. This week so far:

11/15/11 - My health, my happiness, my job, Rem, samurai swords

11/16/11 - Cee, MDLL, gchatting with Juniper and Bacon, Kate Bolick's article, bananas, my autonomy at work

11/17/11 - Color Buddies!, my post-conversion downtime, my daily morning phone call to my mom, hand lotion, tacos, my daily lunchtime walk with Rem

Obviously I am feeling VERY grateful for my friends and job. Yay to both!

You were right, Juniper. That gratitude crap IS something I love!!

Everyday I'm Shuffling...

I can't get enough of this video!

Lows

I'm still on such a high after my awesome weekend. I feel so good!

There is one problem. I can't shake the anticipation of a low coming. Isn't that sad? There's this nagging fear in the back of my mind holding me back from fully enjoying and extending my happiness.

If I let go and allowed myself to be happy, what would happen? What am I afraid of?

Will people think I have a superiority complex? I'm bragging? I'm disconnected from the tragedy and suffering in the world? Does it matter what others think?

If I anticipate a low or something bad coming, am I inviting it? If I don't anticipate it and one comes, will it hurt more because I wasn't prepared?

Does anticipating anything really make me feel prepared or is it calming my fears of being unprepared? Same difference?

If I lost my job, my home, or possessions, I could handle it because I have a great support system. If I found myself without support and had to live on the streets, I think I could manage. Absolute worst case scenario, prostitution. I hear I give good head.

If I died, I'm dead so it doesn't really matter. If someone close to me died I would be devastated, yet comforted by my choice to believe they would be sent to a better place and their spirit is with me when I need them. (High five, Grandma!)

Broken hearts, broken friendships, crappy jobs, depression, a prolonged sickness.....been there, done that and survived.

So what is it?

Ohhhhh....

I think I got it. See, this is why I love writing. I find my truths.

It's me. I'M the one with the problem. I don't think I deserve to be this happy or blessed.

Why? Why don't I feel worthy?

I did something as a kid I regret. I didn't know better, it happened to me, and I can't take it back so why can't I forgive myself?

I was really mean to this guy Allen in high school. He Facebook friended me and writes on my wall, so it sure seems like he's over it. Why aren't I?

I don't give to charity or volunteer anymore. I can easily start now, so why not do it?

I feel guilty. I feel guilty for everyone else who is not as lucky as I am. I was lucky to have parents who sent me to college and are extremely supportive. Where does the line between luck and hard work get drawn? Wasn't it me who graduated, got and kept a job, paid the bills, made friends, and created my life? Do I feel guilty because it all came easy? Is that a bad thing? Am I an asshole?

My relationship with my mother is a ZILLION times better than it was when I was younger. I don't blame her for what happened, but I know my self-esteem still suffers because of the shit she pulled. My level of self-worthiness is reflective of hers. I have to remind myself I am not her.

I don't believe in one god. I named my God Shian ("I" in "Shan") because I believe there is a Larger (being/deity/spirit/whatever) in all of us. (Shizza has changed into an angel with a raging three foot blurple boner.) Shian takes on many forms, lately the Laughing Buddha because that guy cracks me up. I no longer consider myself Episcopalian or Catholic because I do not agree with organized religions' doctrines. A person of true faith would accept how another lives without judgment. Devout followers seem to forget this and in my opinion, seem to embarrass themselves and their religions on a daily basis.

The reason I'm bringing religion up is because there may be some of that Catholic guilt mixed into why I can't accept happiness. Ever notice how many Catholic churches have Jesus crucified above the altar? It's there TO REMIND YOU HE DIED FOR YOU! Isn't that awful?? No wonder we feel guilty! Why wouldn't they have a nice statue of him rising from the grave? You know, something uplifting? At some point, Christian religion became a sign of not only hate-mongering, but also suffer-mongering as well. You can't live the good life because then you're not serving God. I decided this is bullshit. Shian tells me life is love. I like this idea so much better.

Phew! There. I'm pretty sure I covered every reason as to why I am afraid to be happy. I'm checking to see if I still need to anticipate a low....

Soul scan. Check. Mind scan. Check. Heart scan. Check. Face scan. Smiling, so check.

Okay. I think I'm ready to be truly happy now. Yay!

Grace

I am so grateful today. It's an unbelievably powerful feeling.

The past few days were filled with good health and good friends. I feel so blessed, lucky, and fortunate.

This weekend I went to yoga, shopping, Times Square for Super Marioland, ate tacos on 10th Avenue then walked back to 6th, visited Furball and his family in the Bronx, had late night drinks at Crazy Ass, visited with Jacks and her family, walked through Central Park from 89th Street down to 57th to the subway, and am now sitting in the home I love, watching the Giants, sharing my thoughts with the blogosphere.

Only five months ago I was barely able to get out of bed.

I am soul-crying. I've needed it. It's a shame I had to go through such a physically, emotionally, and mentally trying time to get here, to appreciate my life.

I'm glad I finally made it.

Coldergies

I haven't been feeling well for over a week now. My throat was killing me, I lost my voice, my sinuses are throbbing, and I was up coughing through the night for a few days. I can't tell if it's a cold or allergies. Maybe it's both. Every year I get sick around Halloween and Christmas, so this is nothing new. I am nervous this is the start of being sick for another eight months, though.

I'm trying not to stress myself over it because then I'll feel worse. The only thing I can do is clear my schedule, take it easy, and rest. I'm at work today because I have therapy in the city tonight, so I figured I might as well come in. I'm tired, my face is scrunchy, my eyes are heavy, and my nose feels like it is made of cement. Hopefully the Advil and Allegra will kick in and help!

I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy

Color Buddies tumblr!

I decided to create a new site from my Fun with Colors post. Check it out!

The tumblr isn't related to Thighs at all, mainly because this blog is still relatively private (read: MDLL doesn't know the link and my parents aren't allowed to read it).

I'm excited. Yay!

Song in my head.

I read once that whenever you have a random song stuck in your head, your subconscious picked it because the lyrics reflect your thoughts.

I can't for the life of me remember what song was in my head yesterday when I was upset about MDLL. Today, when I am hopeful:

Celine Dion "That's The Way It Is"

I can read your mind and I know your story
I see what you're going through
It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry
But I know it will come to you

Don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When you question me for a simple answer
I don't know what to say, no
But it's plain to see, if you stick together
You're gonna find a way, yeah

So don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When life is empty with no tomorrow
And loneliness starts to call
Baby, don't worry, forget your sorrow
'Cause love's gonna conquer it all, all

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

That's the way it is
That's the way it is, babe
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is.

11111

I find myself on Facebook, Twitter, and random sites a lot lately. I've never been a big websurfer (do people still say that word?), but I find myself waiting for comments and retweets like they are phone calls from a guy I like. I guess I'm feeling a bit disconnected and lonely now that MDLL is out of the picture. We texted everyday almost all day, so it makes sense I need to fill the void.

I'm also very me-focused. I want to talk talk talk and be heard heard heard. The usual. I don't think I've ever been this self-aware of my need to do/be both, though.

It's like my comment on Jezebel yesterday. I'm pretty surprised I wrote it because I hate comments, especially the ones that say, "I haven't read/seen/tried the book/movie or tv show/product you are discussing, but let me give you my two cents anyways." Really? You have nothing to contribute, yet you still feel the need to say something? I wonder if I hate those commenters because they remind me of myself in a small way. I don't think I'm THAT bad, but I do have a blog all about me me me, so maybe I am.

It's like hipsters. Everyone hates them, but why? My opinion is because they remind us of ourselves. Hipsters seem to think they are special and SO COOL for being different, liking or wearing things that aren't the "norm", yet seem to ignore the fact that their hive-mind elitism is just as bad as every other social group's. Let's face it, we all surround ourselves with people we can relate to and who validate our lifestyle. There's nothing special about this.

Today marks the birth of the 7 billionth person on earth. Think about this...kids today probably think a half of the population is on Facebook. Latest statistics show there are 800 MILLION users. That is amazing, but there sure are a shitload of people not on there. If someone is on Facebook, that means they are wealthy enough to either own a computer or a smartphone, educated enough to know how to use both, and also feel the need to be connected to something. While all FB users aren't EXACTLY the same, we do have these basics in common.

I don't know where I am going with any of this. I'm on my high horse standing on a soapbox.

Maybe I'll unplug this weekend. I have to still use my cell because it's the only phone I have, but I won't go on the internet. If I'm already feeling disconnected, maybe I should sit with the it and stop forcing a virtual one.

Happy Halloween!

I can't stop writing...

Happy Halloween, bitches! Check out Goth Thighs. No one recognized me!



I was SUPER excited for Halloween this year because in 2010 I was sick, 2009 I was with Tat and the night was pretty lame, 2008 I can't even remember...

My plan was to go to my friend Eronica's house for a costume/birthday party in Long Island, but the trains were fucked. I decided to stay home until it was time to meet the gang at Crazy Ass instead. I was indifferent about seeing MDLL. I just wanted to go to my Cheers.

I ended up having a great time. We hung out as friends like nothing happened for the most part. The costumes helped. It didn't seem like I was talking to my bald ex-boyfriend/first adult love when he's wearing a wig of six inch high guido hair. I certainly didn't look like my normal Baby Spice self, either.

At the end of the night, MDLL said he missed me, we hugged then kissed good-bye. The kiss wasn't right. He felt like a stranger.

I'm at the point in the break-up cycle where I'm seeing things clearly for the first time. I gave 100% of myself to him. I don't think MDLL can say the same. Sure we had some great moments and a strong bond, but the relationship was one-sided. As I've written before, there's a difference between effortless and not making an effort. MDLL never made an effort. It was easy because I made it so.

Everyday I feel a bit lighter. I realized last night how much this relationship was weighing me down. I thought about MDLL constantly. I've been waiting for him to break out of his funk, take control of his life, and make himself happy. It finally occurred to me that it's quite possible there is no funk. This is him.

MDLL isn't getting divorced any time soon. He wasn't going to settle down and marry me, either.

It's funny. I'm the one who broke it off yet I feel rejected. If I'm really being honest with myself, I believe MDLL does love me as a friend. There were two problems though. One, our sexual chemistry is awesome. Two, I loved him and wanted more. My guess is he tried to convince himself he wanted/was ready for a serious relationship with me in order to stay close friends.

Or not. Who knows? Part of the heaviness was trying to figure out what he was thinking when, again, it's completely possible he wasn't thinking anything. His thoughts are no longer my concern. It's freeing.

I'm glad I went Saturday night. It validated my decision to let MDLL go. Don't get me wrong, though. I'm really saddened by this and hoped we could have worked things out. Christ, I wanted little MDs and Thighs running around! Gah!

He was a good man and a good friend, just not the boyfriend I want anymore. If someone I loved was going above and beyond for me, you bet your ass I'd reciprocate.

SOOO CLOSE!

Apparently I'm opinionated today.

Did anyone watch Family Guy last night? It was an episode about domestic violence. Quagmire's sister's boyfriend repeatedly beat her and she wouldn't leave him.

The episode was upsetting, but good. I felt they addressed the subject in the usual Family Guy way with off-color jokes and a lot of cartoon blood, yet kept me focused on how heinously disgusting a person is for abusing another.

I read Jezebel.com every once in a while, usually if someone forwards me a funny article. Today I decided to goof off, so I checked out the site on my own.

This article immediately caught my attention: Family Guy Hits Horrible New Low With Domestic Abuse Episode. Given the headline, I think you know what the writer thought about the show.

I completely disagreed with her and wrote my FIRST EVER COMMENT on a random op piece. I spoil the ending, so if you plan to watch it, do so before reading the below and the Jezebel article. Make your own judgment first!

I love Family Guy. For the first few minutes I was shocked by this episode, then admired McFarlane's and the writers' balls for taking on the subject matter.

I'm not sure why you didn't mention the ending. Quagmire, Joe, and Peter were so angry with Jeff that they took him to the woods to kill him. Jeff knocked out Joe and Peter, then beat and choked Quagmire. Quagmire recovered and ran Jeff over with his car.

While I obviously do not condone murder, it was clear to me the message is if a victim of abuse can't or won't help themselves, do everything you can to help them.

I agree with you they should have flashed a hotline number. I do not agree that this was a scary Halloween episode. What IS scary is that shows with Family Guy's fanbase do not use their popularity to encourage their viewers to think about serious issues such as this. Needless to say, it is even scarier that domestic abuse happens in the first place.

Thighs Review - Something Borrowed

I rarely write reviews of books, movies and/or TV shows, because a) I never read, b) I usually don't have much to say other than "It was okay/awesome/awful." and c) I can't be bothered.

Last night I watched Something Borrowed with Ginnifer Goodwin, Kate Hudson, and some guy who looks like young Tom Cruise's cousin. The premise is Ginnifer (I hate the spelling of her name although I'd like to be able to sign things "Gin") and Cousin Tom fell in love in law school, but never told each other how they felt. Enter Kate, Gin's best friend, who aggressively hits on C.T. after Gin pretends she doesn't want him. Fast forward six years later, Kate and C.T. are engaged. Gin and C.T. hook up one night, end up professing their love, and sneak around behind Kate's back for the entire movie. In the last ten minutes we find out Kate cheated on C.T. and is pregnant with the other guy's baby. Kate then catches C.T. with Gin, the girls have a huge fight and their friendship is over. Gin and C.T. live happily ever after.

Sorry for not giving a spoiler warning. At least you don't need to watch it now.

This movie pissed me off. It pissed me off enough to write about it.

I guess I'm sensitive about relationships right now. I was ready to settle down with MDLL and now we're broken up. An old friend's marriage fell apart. I was with my family for five days in California, which is the longest amount of time we've spent together in 14 years. Relationships are all I think about lately.

Love can hurt. I get it. People fall in and out of love every day. This doesn't piss me off. It's what people DO when they fall in and out of love that upsets me.

Gin repeatedly lies to Kate to cover up her relationship with C.T. She then tells C.T. to call off the wedding, knowing it will hurt her best friend. Conveniently Kate is a bit of a selfish asshole; I'm sure the director was hoping we'd hate her by the end of the movie. I did, but I hated Gin more. She's so proud of herself for "letting go" and "taking a chance on love" with barely any remorse for being a sneaky bitch and rotten person. I should hate C.T. as well, yet for some reason I don't. He's a pathetic waste of space and there's no use for him. It's the shitty and dishonest friendship that bothers me most.

I hope to Shizza a guy never comes between my girlfriends and I. Luckily we have completely different taste in men. If that day should ever come, I solemnly swear I will never, ever, EVER pursue him. If I really was in love with the guy and couldn't change my feelings, I would tell my friend upfront. I'd rather take the high road and be honest then deceitful to or jealous of one of my besties.

I remember when the trailer came out. It seemed like a dumb fun romcom. Not even close. Something Borrowed is the worst title. It should have been called Something Assholes Do In the Name of "Love".

Can you tell I am irate?? GAH!

Oh and random...apparently the movie was also a commercial for Shake Shack and Heineken. Dumb.

On a scale of one to four thighs, this movie gets none.

Uh oh...

looks like I got my appetite back. Yoga tomorrow!

Awww...I'm flattered.

One of Juniper's friends likes me. He FB friended me, IMed me yesterday, and asked her if I was single.

I'm not interested. He's young and tiny. It's nice to know I'm attractive, though! Ego stroke!

Why We Fall Out of Love (And What to Do to Prevent It)

I like this article:

Very often, we find that two people who come together out of love grow apart as the years go by. Why does this happen?

Let's say you planted a coconut tree and a mango tree in your garden when they were young saplings, and they were the same height. You thought they would get along pretty well, a great love affair! And if both of them remained stunted and never grew, they would remain compatible. But if both of them grow to their full potential, they will grow to different heights, shapes and possibilities.

If you are looking for sameness between two people, the relationship will always fall apart. After all, a man and a woman come together because they are different. So it is the differences that brought you together, and the differences may become starker and more manifest as one grows. Unless you learn to enjoy the differences as you grow, falling apart or growing apart will naturally happen. If you are expecting both people to grow in the same direction and in the same way, that is unfair to both people. It will curtail and suffocate both of their lives. Whether you fall apart in years, in months or in days simply depends on how fast you are growing.

This whole expectation that the person who partners with you should be just like you is a sure way to destroy a relationship. It is a sure way to destroy the garden. Allow, nurture and enjoy the differences between you and your partner. Otherwise, the situation will be maintained in such a way where one person is compulsively dependent upon the other, or both people are compulsively dependent upon each other.

We need to understand that relationships happen because of certain needs -- physical, emotional and psychological needs. Whatever the nature of the relationship, the fundamental aspect is you have a need to be fulfilled. We may claim many things for why we have formed a relationship, but if those needs and expectations are not fulfilled, relationships will go bad.

And as people grow and mature, these needs change. When these needs change, what looked like everything between two people will not feel the same after some time. But we do not have to base a relationship on these same needs forever and feel that the relationship is over. We can always make the relationship mature into something else.

Whatever the needs that brought people together need not be the fundamentals of a relationship forever. The very fundamentals of a relationship have to change as time passes, and as one ages and matures in many different ways. If that change is not made, growing apart or falling apart is definitely a certainty.