Happy New Year!

I spoke to the recruiter who got me the consulting gig. She said I'm nitpicking about the insurance because I'm scared. Noooo...I just want the facts, lady. She can't tell me if I'm going to enjoy this job, if it's going to suck working from home, or if my personal life is going to suffer being on call or traveling to clients. She can't tell me if I'm going to regret taking this position in six months. All she can do is get the damn insurance coverage and costs for me. So do it!

Oy. This is quite a decision. I'm going to forget about it and turn my brain off for the next 24 hours, so that I can enjoy the last day of 2010. To be continued!

Happy New Year, monkeys!

I got the job!

I was offered the consulting gig! WOO HOO!

Now, decisions. Racing thoughts:

It's a 25% increase in salary, plus a 5-10% bonus at year-end.

I still don't know the exact cost of my insurance, the details of the policy, etc.

I'd have to pay for my Metrocard out of pocket instead of through the pre-tax program I'm enrolled in now. That's an extra $104 a month, but if I'm working from home most of the time I might not need an unlimited 30-day pass anymore.

Will I have time for a social life?

Will I have time for a dating life?

OH MY GOD. Giving my two week notice at Minnow on Monday WOULD BE AMAZING.

Where would I go for my first project?

I have to buy nice work clothes. I hate having to buy new clothes when I gained holiday weight because I know I'll lose it in a couple of weeks. Damn.

Am I up for a challenge?

SHIT. This is so awesome. I'm so proud I was offered the gig!! It's nice to know I'm marketable! YAAAYYY ME!!

Stegosaurus Church

Obviously it's not exact. It would be cooler if it was.

Merry Christmas!

Duh. I jumped right into my year in review post without mentioning Christmas!

Last Wednesday I was sick. I was feeling a lot better by the time Rippie got here Thursday morning. Our tradition for the past four years has been to spend a day in Manhattan before heading to my parents' house. Unfortunately this was a rough year for him so he was really looking forward to going straight to NJ Thursday afternoon. I was not happy about it. He and I have very different views on Jackson. For him, it's home. For me, it's shit. I never liked it there and can't wait for my parents to move back to NY in a couple of years.

I begrudgingly went with him a day early. I'm glad I did. We took the train to New Brunswick to meet my dad, then later on that night we went out to a bar called Surf Taco with a bunch of his home fries. Surprisingly the place had a nice beer selection: Stone, Troegs, Rogue. Even more surprising - I did not eat any tacos. We ended the night with Wawa subs at 2am instead. Wawa is one of the few things I miss about NJ, the other two being Seaside and malls for one stop shopping. Is that really it? Hmmm...yep. I had fun.

The next day I went shopping for presents (totally procrastinated this year), then gorged at the house until it was time for Midnight Mass to hear my dad sing in the choir. It means a lot to him that we go. I wish it meant more to me.

I like this church because it reminds me of a stegosaurus. I don't like it for three reasons. One, religious people scare me. Two, the statue of Jesus hanging up front is disturbing. He looks like he was barbecued too long. Three, I always see people from high school. This was the first year I saw an ex-best friend though. Not "ex" in a bad way, we just grew apart after junior year. She lives with another ex-best friend that I haven't seen in about geez, eight years maybe? I was invited to come hang out at their place that night, but I politely declined. Maybe I'd hang out with them if they came up to the city or something, but I have no interest in hanging out in Jackson. I don't mean it to be snobby, I just don't feel like myself when I go there. NYC is my home now.

On Christmas Day I stayed in pajamas and didn't move from the couch, except to play my dad's drums and eat dinner in the dining room. My parents were uber generous this year. My mom kept saying it's because next year they won't be able to splurge now that she retired. Whatever the reason, it was super nice and unexpected. In fact, the whole weekend was great. I laughed more than I have with them in a while. The stress and drama of my boob surgery the past four months made me forget that my folks are pretty cool and silly. For example, my mom wanted to take a picture of my dad's asscrack, which is funny enough. It was extra funny when she held the camera backwards and only realized it when she tried to focus and ended up zooming the lens into her eye. I laughed for a good ten minutes partly because it was hysterical, but mostly because we're both really smart dumb blondes.

The only hiccup was when my dad and I were watching Love Actually and the DVD shut off. It probably only took five minutes for my dad to fix it, but my impatience kicked in and I almost murdered him. I don't know what happened! All of a sudden the flames rose up in my face, my Irish blood boiled and I almost flipped my shit. I may have learned reactive rage from my mom, but this time it was all me. Luckily I kept my cool (?) by doing lamaze. I don't even think my dad noticed. PHEW. And more importantly, my mom didn't notice either. If she did she would have fed and it would have been ugly. DOUBLE PHEW.

But again it was a great weekend! My dad was nice enough to drive me home early Sunday morning before the snow storm. Man, did we get hit. NY1 said Astoria got 17 inches (heh), but it looks like we got a lot more. I stayed in until I went to the gym Monday afternoon (yay!). I love the city after it snows, especially before a lot of people are out. Then the streets turn into filthy crumb cakes.

What else....the office is empty this week. I get out at 3pm tomorrow and we're closed Friday. Two and a third day work week! Yay!

I'm 98% over MD. We hung out last Sunday and texted a few times last week. I know I'm nearing the end because this is the first time in four months I want to date other guys. Seriously, I have not been interested in anyone else but him. I'm ready now. The lingering 2% is his fault. He made a comment that he might come back from Pittsburgh three days earlier, so that he can come to Crazy Ass on New Year's Eve. Now, he didn't actually say "so we can be together on New Year's Eve" but the seed was planted. As over him as I believe I am (I am, Juniper!), I'm interested to see if he shows. Of course now with flights being fucked he probably can't change his, but whatever. I almost rather he doesn't come back earlier. I don't want to take any of my 2010 baggage into 2011 goddamn it. Plus who knows, maybe I'll end up kissing someone new at midnight.

Someone not new - I saw Donovan at the Company Christmas party a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I have to write about him since he's the reason I started Thighs. I don't really have anything to say about it, except I'm still ridiculously attracted to him. Sweat was pouring out of my head the minute I said hi to him. It was kind of gross actually. Hmmm, it could have been food sweats though. I did eat a ton that day. Whatevs. He's still hot. The end.

2010 Profile Pic

2010 Awesomeness

I'm three days early, so chances are I'll be writing a couple of 2010 year in review posts this week. To start...

2010 Awesomeness:

1. Finding out I no longer needed an implant, getting it removed, and still looking even. NATURAL, BITCHES!

2. Ran the 10K

3. Continued to track all of my spending habits down to the penny

4. Continued to live within my means! Fuck you, credit!

5. Bacon and I kicked the shit out of Astoria with multiple pub crawls

6. All of our quote book entries on said pub crawls

7. Juniper moved to Astoria making it my Town of Besties

8. Pints of Guinness at Doll's and the amazing friends I get to drink them with

9. Rolo introducing me to Stevie and Hugs (HOW CUTE!)

10. Crazy Ass, my new favorite bar where I met MD and a bunch of other new neighborhood friends

11. Trip to LA and San Diego to visit my brother and the Faces, four people I miss very much

12. Visits with The Bear family and Janey Pants, four more people I miss very much

13. Stone Brewery. Nuff said.

14. All of the new beers I tried this year, including Founders and Rogue's John John Juniper

15. The beer tasting parties

16. Tat, Banana, random guy on St. Patty's Day, Good Will Hunting, Mr. J, Mick, Pool, and MD. Half of these guys made me feel good about myself, the rest not so much. Either way, I am proud to say I was out there trying to find my lobster. Also, I believe this is the first time I can count all of the people I made out with in one year on only two hands.

17. I only had sex with two people this year, too. I'm practically a virgin!

18. Trip to Pittsburgh for my 17th ballpark. And Shartles and Linglestown for hours of entertainment.

19. My Tretorn sneakers. They may be fucking up my knees, but I love them. Here's a small pic of the hightops. I have the low ones:
20. As much as it hurt, I have to say the Donkey Down was pretty epic. I just got this text from Bucket who did not know I partook in such idiocy: "Just noticed your picture in Crazy Ass." Kind of cool in a teenage alcoholic way. Never again.

21. My 9/11 Post or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Stove

22. Holy shit, I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner... TACOQUEST!! I love tacos!

23. Greek yogurt. I had no idea it was so good.

24. Started watching It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, True Blood, Dexter, and How I Met Your Mother.

25. Finally watched Ken Burns: Baseball. I never did get around to writing a post about it, huh? Oh well. It was amazing. All baseball fans should watch it. I wasn't as impressed with The Tenth Inning though, probably because I lived it and it was depressing with all the steroids and bullshit.

26. Stopped biting my nails and they look so pretty!

27. No more cable!

28. Went to a Giants game for the first time in about 22 years. (When did I get old?)

29. Learned the word "lachrymose" and frequently use it to describe myself. (Thanks Hugs!) –adjective: given to shedding tears readily; tearful.

30. Joined the gym again. I haven't gone regularly yet, but I am going!

31. Gchat IMs with Bacon and Juniper. I wish I saved them because I know a few saved me. Thanks ladies.

32. Pokher night! Finally after 10 years of planning!

33. My Minnow friends. Tron, Breen, Ceej, and Bella are the only reason I haven't shot myself yet. Well, them and the fact I don't want to die.

34. THIGHS! Oh blog, I love you so! I'm very glad I got back into writing again. I missed it.

Okay, I'm going to stop here because I'm thinking about it now. All of the above came out organically. TWSS.

For the past couple of weeks I've been bitching that I just want this year to be fucking over. I gotta tell you, making a list like this has helped...

35. Paddy the bartender at Crazy Ass. SO HOT AND SO AWESOME.

me put this year in perspective. It wasn't a horrible year. Sure, shit happened. I cried A LOT, but of course I cried. Sometimes I forget I have depression, which you know what, is number 36.

36. This is the first full year in four years that I have not been on anti-depressants or in therapy. I probably needed both at times, but I made it through, thanks to you my supportive and patient friends.

I joked that 2010 was the Year of the Taco, Donkey, Beer, and Boob. I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to (Sexy, Simba, Something), but who cares. I had enough going on. In fact, a better name for 2010 is The Year of the Purge. I emotionally and tearductedly (manujaggered!) purged a lot of shit the past twelve months. Did I plan for ANY of what happened this year to happen? Nope. Is my life exactly how I want it to be now? Nope. Am I better off than I was in January? YEP.

That to me is a good year of lifing then. I'm ending it better than I was at the beginning.

2010, you definitely were a little minx.

I friended him.

What's the worst that can happen? Most of my status updates are about beer, tacos, and sports. My parents already know I drink too much. Now they'll just think I'm a lesbian, too.

Uh oh.

My dad has made it to Facebook. I don't know what to do.

Just when...

I decided to be happier and laugh more, a funny thing happened.

I was lying in bed about twenty minutes ago when I heard something crash. I thought it was the metal weight that keeps the roof door closed, so I jumped up to go fix it. As I was standing in my living room putting on my sneakers, I heard someone trying to open my own door. Thoughts flew:

Did my super make an extra copy of my key and is now trying to break in thinking I'm not home? Did my brother somehow make it back to NYC all the way from Jackson through the snow? Did I give MD a set of keys in a drunken stupor and he came here to profess his love for all of eternity?

I ripped open my door and saw 3A, one of my really nice neighbors that live right below me. He thought he was at his door. D'oh!

He apologized and said, "Oh wow, I've never seen another apartment here. Did you paint your living room?" (It's a skyish blue with blue-green trim.) I invited him in and we banged in the hallway.

Just kidding. I invited him in and it turns out he's a comic fan, so we talked shop while he looked through my trades. I felt a little dumb since my living room was a mess and I was wearing Tat's oversized pajama pants, but whatever. He took the first two Sandman trades and went back home. I ran up to the roof and it turns out the door wasn't open.

Now that I wrote this I guess it's not the best story in the world. I just thought it was perfect timing considering I want to be more lighthearted and fun. Why is this? I'm sick of taking shit so seriously. WHY SO SERIOUS?

I was in the worst mood this morning for no reason. Well, that's not true. I have plenty of reasons for being negative, but I have plenty of reasons to be positive too. I choose to be negative because that's all I know. Boy stuff, work stuff, health stuff - I let all of this shit get to me. I hate this about myself, which is a negative statement in itself. I hate being a certain way, I hate that I hate being a certain way, and so on. I don't really know how to stop this, so I'm just going to. Sometimes thinking the shit out of things doesn't get me anywhere, so I'm not going to think about things anymore. Just fucking do them.

I'm just going to be fucking positive.

I need answers

My scratchy throat turned into a cough, cold, and possible ear infection, so I stayed home today. I guess I should have forced myself to go in since I already planned to take off tomorrow and Minnow is closed Friday and Monday, but whatevs. Six day weekend, WOOT!

This morning I got up around 9am, watched Toy Story 3 (kind of intense, right?), napped, watched another four hours of random television, and here I am now. I have some questions that need to be answered:

1. What are Wendy Williams measurements?

2. When did Maury just say fuck it and only cover paternity tests?

3. How many people really get cars as Christmas presents?

4. Why can't we leave Lindsay Lohan alone? She's only 24 for crying out loud!

5. Why is the media harping on Spider-Man the musical? Don't they have anything else to focus on? And for fuck's sake, he has a hyphen.

6. Why do people like Dancing with the Stars?

7. Do TBS and My9 know they both air King of Queens at 6:30pm? Seems dumb. So is the show.

8. Why did people watch Everyone Loves Raymond? That show fucking sucks! They are all mean and horrible to each other. If you take out the laughtrack it will have a whole new meaning, ala Garfield minus Garfield.

9. Why is that Regis and Kelly girl doing crappy A&P/Waldbaum commercials?

10. WHEN WILL TED MEET THEIR MOTHER?? Aaarrgghh!

Okay, the only questions I really care about are 1 and 10. I have to keep waiting on 10, but here is what I found online about Wendy: 5/11, either 40DD or 40FF (I'm thinking FF), 40-30-40.

Now I can sleep.

The towels are kinda scratchy.

I rarely think my weekends go by too fast. They usually go by with too much beer or too little sleep, but not too fast.

Except this weekend. Friday I stayed in. Saturday I went to the annual Company holiday party at DaQ's gorgeous home. I love that I still get invited every year!! Afterwards I headed over to Bella's for holiday party number two. Did you know there's a port called Cockburn's? I totally bought a bottle because I am a 14 year old boy. "Cockburn, anyone?"

I was home by 11pm that night, but I didn't sleep too well again. Lefty bothered me a little, but she's doing much better now. Thank you Icy Hot, Advil, and shelf bras!! I have a bit of a cough and a scratchy throat (I keep hearing this Verizon commercial in my head), so I kept getting up for some water. Thanks for coming into work when you were sick, Tennis! Also, my damn radiators were really loud and the one in my bedroom started leaking. I could hear the water boiling on top of the valve. My super fixed them while I was at work today and I gotta tell you, it's eerily quiet in my apartment now. I guess the clanking and hissing were my noisy winter roommates. Luckily my gassy ass is filling some of the silence.

Yesterday I went to the bar with a couple of my guy friends to watch the Giants game. I had a great time hanging with them, but holy fuck did that game suck. (Rhyme!) It was probably the most devastating loss I've ever witnessed. Up by 21 points with 8 minutes left and they fucking blew it. I love March for three reasons: my birthday, St. Patty's Day, and it's the one month out of the year the Giants, Jets, and Mets can't disappoint me. Fucking brutal.

The Jets thankfully had a big win to counter the Giants big loss. They played the Steelers, MD's favorite team. I texted him some smack talk earlier in the day and the texts kept going until we met up at Crazy Ass around 6pm. I'm officially over him. Sure I slept with him and all, but whatever. I had a nice time and he's still the best kisser to date. Sue me. Oddly enough, I'm almost sad that I don't like him any more. Disconnection can be a bit somber, even when it's for a positive reason...

Tonight I realized I've spent most of my life feeling unloved, insecure, and less than. It started with my mom, then went to guys and bosses as I got older. I don't feel like I measure up.

Well this ends now. From here on out I'm going to make myself feel loved, secure, and special. I'm also going to surround myself with people who encourage these feelings. MD isn't a bad guy, but he didn't go out of his way to make me feel good. For the first time in my life, I know I'm going to find someone who will.

Thoughts?

My second interviews for both the consulting gig and internal job were today. I could really use some feedback so please share your thoughts on the following.

The consulting gig is a huge opportunity for me. It's such a small company that I can make my position whatever I want it to be. I could do everything from meeting with clients for requirements gathering to data map conversions to test script writing to who knows what else. While the company currently specializes in legal accounting system implementations, the experience could really open doors for me to become a project manager in any industry. Concerns:

1. This is a big lifestyle change. I wouldn't be a nine-to-fiver any more. I'd either be working from home, at a client's office, or on the road all hours of the day, even weekends. For the past 10 years, my company's quitting time was my life's starting time. What will it be like to not have an official end of day?

I know I always write about my social life, but that's only half of who I am. I love my alone time, too. I stayed in every night this week and I couldn't be happier. (Poker was cancelled tonight by the way.) I vegged out, watched a movie (Expendables wasn't as good as I wanted it to be), talked to myself for hours (I never stop talking), meditated, shaved my legs (it's a chore), went through my junk drawer, etc. My point is the best part about being a SINK (single individual no kids - did I make this up?) is that I own my time. It could very well be that working from home makes me own even MORE of my time, meaning I set when I want to get up and work, or it doesn't at all.

And of course, the social half of me needs room to breathe as well. And I'm not just talking about going to bars either. In NYC you're surrounded by people all of the time whether you acknowledge them or not. I easily see at least 500 people on my way to work, at work, and on my way home without even looking. Would I go crazy sitting in my apartment all day? Should I commute into Manhattan to sit at Starbucks instead?

2. I could potentially be making $20K more than I am right now. FUCK YEAH. The only problem is that the health insurance isn't as good as Minnow's. It never occurred to me how good the Publishing industry's insurance coverage seems to be, probably because I was too busy complaining about the low pay. This is a first for me to look at the whole package (heh) and while the salary is what I want, I'm not sure if I want to pay possibly $300 a month just for healthcare. I have to wait to see what the final number is, what the copays are, and what's even covered. Apparently smaller companies aren't given many options, which is a huge concern of mine considering I'm a crazy lady. Women's and mental health coverage seem to be the first to go. (WHY IS VIAGRA COVERED?)

3. Is working for a start-up smart in today's economy? If I had a nest egg, hell a SAVINGS (I suck), I wouldn't mind taking a risky leap. I have this fancy iMac and a $250 Max Azria dress. That's all of my assets, people.

4. The woman I'd be working for is exactly like me. For realz. She is a psychology major who picked up a DOS manual for fun one day, taught herself computers, streamlined the data at her first job which lead to a career as an IT trainer and project manager. I am a psychology major who learned SAP by reading the user guides I had to photocopy for my boss at my first job, which lead to assuming IT liaison roles at every company I've worked for since. Basically we are both nerdy mentholes. This could be awesome or awful. Chances are there will be no gray.

PHEW. I'm glad I'm writing all of this out.

The internal job is also a big opportunity for me as well. I hate my current gig for one reason: IT'S FUCKING BORING. The only things keeping me alive are the special projects I take on. Have I ever written what my real job is there? Probably not. I'm an Inventory Analyst. I KILL BOOKS. There I said it. If there is too much stock I try to liquidate it. If not I burn it. I am the Eva Braun of Minnow. I hate it. I've tried a zillion times to change the mission statement of my department (not that they even have one), but in the end we are the dregs of the Publishing industry. No one wants to deal with us because we are where their precious title goes to die.

Okay. That was dramatic. I do more than that, but still. It's shit.

Interestingly enough this new gig is about killing books too, but at least there's some fucking excitement around going digital. I'd be responsible for managing interfaces and feeds to various e-tailers, working with IT and senior management on developing new business processes and systems, all the creative things I love. Yes, I finally realized I can be creative without using paint. If I stay at Minnow, it's a great opportunity to pull myself out of the shadows and into the spotlight. Concerns:

1. I'd still be working for Nun. My second interview was with him and an IT guy. The IT guy was first and I gotta say I was really excited after speaking with him. Then Nun killed it. The woman I'd be directly reporting to said that a decision would be made next week. Nun decided (probably today) that the job description needs to change and the position won't be filled until after the new year. Really? You're an asshole. If this was really true, why the fuck are you interviewing already, dipshit*?

2. I'm pretty sure I'm the most qualified candidate in-house. The problem is since I already work for Nun, I could see him being a real dick about transferring. I betcha fifty bucks he tries to make me do Gorilla's work still. Crap, I could even see him not letting me transfer for fear of losing a head in my current department. Fuck.

3. I can also see him lowballing the salary.

I don't want to let Nun ruin this for me. As much as I'd like to leave the company, I don't want to miss out on what might be my last chance to feel good about working at Minnow after all these years.

DOUBLE PHEW. This whole post might be moot considering I wasn't even offered either position, but I do need to think about all of these things. Must-haves for my next gig: a fatty paycheck so I can pay off my debt, good health insurance (I'm worried about this), NYC based office (I'm not ready to leave NY yet), and an opportunity to learn something new. Oh and leading me to my husband isn't a requirement, but that would be an awesome plus.

What do you guys think?




* HA! Dipshit.

Icy Hot!!

Holy crap does my chest feel better! And in true manic depressive form, I am on cloud nine right now!

MUPPET YAAAAAAAAYYYY!!

Randumb

Random things...

I broke my boob again. I'm so fucking annoyed with myself. On Thanksgiving I carried three heavy dishes and two six-packs the half mile to Bacon's apartment. The bag must have weighed at least 40 pounds. My arms were very sore the next day, but I thought, "Hey it was a work out! I'm so cool!" It didn't even occur to me that HELLO, I just had breast surgery three months ago and maaaaaybe I shouldn't be carrying something so fucking heavy. That's the problem with feeling good though - I forgot how shitty feeling bad can be.

Well I remember now. I seemed to have pulled my pectoral muscle, at least that's what the nurse and interwebs told me. The pain wasn't so bad the first week, but it's become progressively worse from the loose boob dangle. The girls are strapped in tight all the time now and I'm back to sleeping sitting up, both of which is ridiculously uncomfortable. The pain this week is the worst so far, probably because I have my period and my boobs are tender to begin with. It hurts so much that I don't know how I'm even typing. Dumb girl.

Besides the boob, I'm feeling much better. My three day hangover may have been accompanied by a cold as well. A couple of nights in did the trick. I wish I could say a couple of good nights' sleep, but no. Between Lefty and my noisy radiators I'm not well-rested. All I want to do is sleep!

I'm in a whiny grumpy mood right now, but good things are coming. I have a second interview at the consulting firm and two more interviews (one with Nun which is stupid) for the internal job tomorrow. Tomorrow night is Pokher, Saturday two holiday parties, and Sunday I'm going out to watch the Giants game with some of my Bird guy friends I haven't seen in a while. I don't want to feel like shit anymore, so I decided I am going to lay off alcohol until New Year's. Maybe I'll have one or two beers, but I am definitely not getting drunk. Every year I get sick for the holidays and I refuse to get sick this time. Refuse, damn it!

Not sleeping is making me a little crazier than usual this week. I feel lightheaded again, but it's probably the combination of anxiety and the speed at which I devoured my three taco lunch. I've decided 2010 was the year of the taco (year in review post to come) and I'm toying with 2011 being a Ribquest. We shall see. The brilliance of a Tacoquest is in its ease and cheapness. Ribs will be much more expensive and requires planned ventures to sit down restaurants. Maybe falafel is better...

My two bosses are out today. I'm enjoying the quiet. It's been a long week despite the fact I've only worked three days.

I finally got a haircut last night. I went to a new place and the girl did exactly as I asked by keeping the front long and cleaning up the back. I just want it to grow out already! I did something dumb, though. The stylist was in the bathroom when I was leaving, so I gave her tip to the receptionist. A half a block later I almost turned back to make sure she got it, but I didn't. Oh well. She lives in Astoria and seemed like a big mouth drunk (sound familiar?), so if I run into her I'm sure she'll bitch me out. I'll buy her a shot to make amends. Ugh. Shots.

What else what else what else....

I'm still sad about MD, but that's to be expected considering it's only been a week since we officially broke it off, I haven't had time to reflect, and I like beating myself with a dead horse. I miss him even though I never had him. Oh well.

Here's hoping this time next month I'll be completely over him, I'll have a new job, my boob won't hurt, and my hair is an inch longer.

Please use straw hole.

My week in review:

Wednesday I found out from Grape that Banana and Orange are getting married. I knew it was going to play out like this back in February, but it was still jarring to hear. The good news is Banana took all of the blame for what happened and still feels like an asshole for leading me on and causing drama between Grape and I. The shitty news is apparently I was the catalyst for him realizing what he had with Orange and ultimately deciding to commit to her. Why is this shitty? Because it's not fucking fair. I'm sooooo glad your life is all sorted out and you're in love you fucking asshole, while I'm still single. What bullshit.

Wednesday night I finally heard from MD. He apologized for not calling sooner. He felt awkward after what happened the last time we saw each other and wasn't sure what to say. I told him that's the problem, he doesn't say anything. He finally admitted he likes me and likes being around me, but doesn't want anything serious. I knew all of this of course, I just needed him to say it. We spoke for a few more minutes and ended the call and our fake relationship with "I'll see you around the neighborhood." I saw him on Friday, but more on this later.

I'm not really upset about Banana, just confused and disappointed. What the fuck was the point of all that, for me anyways? Fucking stupid. Unfortunately I am still upset about MD. I'm really attracted to him and wish he would have shown me some kind of effort and interest. Oh well. At least I tried.

Apparently I do have some fans out there still, though. Case in point, some dude I went out with on one date back in 2008 Facebook friended me that night (Wednesday was all about boys). I don't really understand why he did considering we haven't spoken in over two years and he's In A Relationship, but it was nice to feel like someone's thinking of me.

Thursday was a Minnow day. I had my interview for the internal job. It seemed to go pretty well, so keep your fingers crossed! The company holiday party started at 3pm that afternoon. I had a really good time hanging out with the few people I can stand there. My plan was to go home early in preparation for Friday, but of course I ended up going to a nearby pub and ending the night eating tacos on my living room floor at 1am. Typical.

So what was Friday all about? Bakes and I took off for THE DONKEY DOWN. Our favorite Astoria bar Crazy Ass (I'm still referring to it by nickname to protect the innocent - me.) has a fun game for alcoholics and over-eaters. If you do one of the following you get your picture stapled on the ceiling for all of eternity or until the gruidos run out of room for opening new cafes on 30th Ave and spread the bore over to 36th Ave:

1. Eat a donkey mess, which I think is all of their appetizers thrown on one plate. You must eat the whole thing yourself. Pass.

2. Drink not one, but TWO fishbowls filled with all sorts of Bacardi and swedish fish. I drank most of one the day of my 10K and woke up on my bathroom floor. Pass again.

3. Drink a beer from each of their fourteen taps in one sitting. DING DING DING!

I made tracking lists for us. This is how I did:



As you can see from my handwriting, beers 12-14 were rough, so rough that I don't remember them. That's right, folks. I made it all the way to the end to brown out for the finale. What a fucking drunk. My body still hurts, my soul hates me, but hot damn, my picture is on that ceiling.

MD came in when we were finished and drinking water. I sort of remember talking to him. Bakes said we were totally cool to each other. I was a little sad as he was supposed to take off and do the Donkey Down with us. Obviously he didn't. It was better off, though. Bakes is the only person I want to marathon drink with...

but unfortunately the marathon drinkups are OVER. I'm pretty sure I've had fourteen beers in a night before, but the hard part on Friday was drinking a different beer each time especially ones I can't stand. Give me fourteen Guinness and I'll definitely be wasted, but I won't be sick the next day. I've been sick all fucking weekend. That's not a complaint as this is my own fucking fault, just stating a fact.

Saturday my brain melted. I couldn't form complete sentences and when I did I sounded like the Mad Hatter. Somehow I managed to go out to dinner, dessert, and to a bar until late. I didn't drink AT ALL though, just stuffed my face. Yesterday I went to the Jets game. The guys at the tailgate gave me a shot of some new Patron flavor. I took one small sip and dumped the rest on the ground when they weren't looking. I also took one sip of an Amstel Light and gave the rest to Spags. My body is full on rejecting all alcohol and my god, I never thought I'd say this, but I couldn't be happier. Instead I stuffed my face again with lovely tailgate fare and a delicious dinner at Meatball Shop after the game. I probably gained ten pounds in the last two days, but I don't care. My body needs fuel.

And rest. Lots of rest!! Wednesday I barely slept because of the boy crap and every night since then I've been up until at least 1am. I'm off today (yeah four day weekend!) and am so friggin glad. I need a nap STAT!

Interviewfinder

Today I had my first interview in three years. It was strange for a few reasons...

1. I still don't have that impulsive GET THE FUCK OUT vibe I had when I left my last four positions. I don't know if this means that I'm complacent in my thirties or just less impulsive than my twenties.

2. When I left Company I didn't have a new job lined up. It was the dumbest decision of my life, yet it worked out for the most part. This means I haven't casually looked for a new job in almost six years.

3. I'm still not sure what I want to do. All I know is I want to get out of debt STAT. The first step was to stop charging. The next step is to increase my income. My plan is to pay off my debt, save for a year, go on a world tour, and then go back to school for art therapy. If I go after money, I should be able to do the first three things by the time I'm 36, which means I should be done with grad school by 40. Wait...how old am I? AM I THAT CLOSE TO 40?? Yikes.

4. The guy I interviewed with is a goddamn unreadable mute character like MD. He was super nice and warm, yet I have no idea what he thought of me AT ALL. Am I that bad with reading people? Why can't everyone be mutant-skinned emotional loudmouths?

5. The position is completely different than any other I've had. I'd be working for a consulting company with only ten other people who are spread all over the country. I'd either work from home or at my client's office. I can't imagine working for home, but I'm probably better off considering I never seem to get along with my direct bosses.

Ugh. I want to keep writing, but I'm a bit buzzed. Tonight was the going away party for the girl who is leaving the internal job I applied for, so I have a few beers in me. (That sentence has a lot of words.) A blah blabba blah blabba blah blah blah.

To be continued...

Jettin' It Old School

I haven't had cable in eight months, but I still get network channels.

Tonight is the huge AFC East Jets vs. Patriots game on ESPN. Luckily any New York Monday Night Football games also air on My9 for us cheapies/recovering-shit-TV-addicts.

Guess what?

Tonight is also the first night I don't have sound on channel 9. BAH!

I would go out and watch the game, but I have my interview tomorrow. No way I'm staying out late and/or drinking.

I decided to kick it old school by listening to 1050 AM while the game is on the telly in non-controllable mute. There's a delay so it's kind of annoying, but I must say this is pretty fucking funny...

P-O-O-P! Poop Poop Poop!

Thanks Universe!

I don't have any food in my apartment (per usual), so I debated whether or not I should get ribs or tacos. Ribs won, then lost as Caravan Chicken ran out of them. I begrudgingly (lie) went to Tacos Mexico for some lovin'.

While I waited for the food I walked to the bank and a nearby deli with a hop in my step. I feel GOOD. I know it's going to take some time to get over MD, but today I am a-okay.

On my walk home not even ten minutes ago, the universe did something nice for me. I ran into Pool, the guy I went on a couple of dates with back in September. It was really nice to see him. He reminded me of two things:

One, there are guys I like to hang out with but don't want to date, so I can't really blame MD for not wanting to be with me. I can blame him for being a pussy, though.

Two, I am awesome. Pool was really, really into me. I deserve nothing less.

Thanks Universe!

I'm awake!

It's 5:44pm and I just woke up. I haven't slept in like this in ages!!

Last night I went out to Swaft for Stevie's birthday party. I got home around 1am, ate a tuna fish sandwich (!!), and fell asleep on my couch. My radiators woke me up around 6am, I stayed up until 8am, then went back to bed until now. A couple of phone calls in between kept me among the living, but man, it sure be feel good waking up now*.

Tonight I'm off to Bay Ridge for my friend Annie's birthday party. Cool story, she is recently divorced (not cool) with two kids and she is now seriously dating a guy she's had a crush on FOR FIFTEEN YEARS!! I'm so happy for her! Stories like this give me hope in love and fate. And I could use some hope right now...

This week I realized my panic attacks for the past three months occur the weeks I don't hear from MD. Isn't that sad? My emotional heartache is manifesting physically. This isn't the first time I made myself sick over something I love (Company), so I shouldn't be surprised. And no, I don't love MD, but I definitely could have one day.

Yesterday I was IMing my wise friend Tron and he wrote, "Move on, MD was a time filler. And it's not your fault."

I immediately teared up. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault.

It's not my fault MD doesn't like me. It's not my fault he won't open up to me. It's not my fault he doesn't want me to be his girlfriend.

It's not my fault I like him. It's not my fault I want love. It's not my fault I've never had a serious relationship. It's not my fault I'm learning how to date at 32. It's not my fault that I'm confused by his mixed signals. It is not my fault I want something more.

As you probably guessed, I haven't heard from him yet. At this point I'm sort of glad. Obviously the best thing that could happen is he calls, commits, and communicates from now on. Second best is him doing none of those things. The reason why what Tron wrote resonated is because I know I won't be able to ignore MD's texts or phone calls. If I did I'd feel like it's my fault the relationship ended. You know what, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. Thanks Tron.

So while I had a bunch of errands to run today, I decided I deserved some rest and relaxation after this silent break-up. It's better than eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's!



*I've been told it's hard to tell when I'm being an idiot blonde or manujaggering shit, so to confirm, I meant to write that sentence with bad grammar. On St. Patty's Day I wanted to say to Bakes "It's going to be a great time!" and out came "It gon' be feel good!" I was sober. Idiot blonde then, for sure.

Circumcised Wine

This was a fast week. I'm pleasantly surprised it's Thursday. Sunday through yesterday morning I felt like shit again. Lightheaded, faint, strong palpitations. I'm not sure what changed, but I feel great today.

I have an interview next Tuesday for an IT consulting firm specializing in legal accounting applications. The recruiter said it's a super small (10 people small) start up that has found a niche market. I don't know if I want it, but shit, money talks right now. My interview for the manager job at Minnow is next week, too so we shall see!

I'm going back and forth about the Minnow job, though. I don't want to report to Nun. This week he had all of his direct reports spend four days (FOUR DAYS) on a good-bye video, speeches, party planning, etc. for Head's departure. It was unreal. The man was FIRED not RETIRED. Plus he was an asshole!! Tennis and Gorilla (the other manager in my department) did zero work all week, even cancelled some pretty important meetings too. Well, publishing important, but you know what I mean. These people do nothing. Nothing I say!

There was a toast to Head this afternoon at the office. I had half a cup of champagne and got WASTED. I knew I was allergic to white wine and never realized that's what champagne is made from. I still don't think I'm allergic to red wine, but I stopped drinking it because I always drink too much of it. Rockstar said the only difference in the processing of red and white wine is they keep the skins on the red grapes. Apparently this means I'm only allergic to circumcised wine. (Hence the post title.)

After work everyone was headed to the real good-bye party at a bar down the block. I skipped it. I didn't feel like going to begin with, plus after the champagne I just wanted to come home. I'll probably regret this decision tomorrow (can't I play the game just once??).

Okay, the truth is I came home in case MD calls. Yes, I'm a loser. I was hoping to hear from him last night. No luck. If I don't hear from him tonight, I need to give up. Again. I'm sure I'll hear from him over the weekend, but I don't want casual. I want romance. In an ideal world he would have called me on his way home from the airport saying "I missed you all weekend. Can I come over right now?" In reality he still hasn't even said the words "I like you." Blerg.

I've never been in this position before. TWSS. I guess it's because the only other person I dated for more than a month was Tat. There was my friend Bucket a few years back and we "dated" for about six months. I wrote "dated" because I wouldn't let him call it that. I said we were "hanging out". What a bitch. Unfortunately we met at the height of my commitmentphobia, so the poor guy had to fight through a pretty thick emotional wall. He eventually got through, but by the time I realized I wanted to give him a real shot he had enough of my crap and we broke up.

I can't help but feel like Bucket right now, chasing someone who is emotionally unavailable. Or maybe MD's just not that interested. It feels so intimate when we are together though, which is why I'm so confused...

Bucket met his now wife the week before we broke up. They are perfect together. If I am him right now, maybe this means the next guy I meet will be The One...

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I don't want to go to bed.

I should because I'm starting to get tired, but since I'm sitting at my desk farting around (literally and figuratively) I might as well write something.

Something.

My weekend was pretty great. Thanksgiving was nice and chill. Friday was Pokher night and I totally won, thanks to a straight on a huge hand. Huge being $4 of Rockstar's change, which she got back when we were done playing. We haven't played with real money yet, so the winner gets to rock this bad boy for the month between games (apparently I'm in a picture mood tonight):


I never make my bed.

Saturday was a sushi dinner with Bakes and Stevie. Peanut butter hot chocolate for dessert. YUM! Sunday was an early brunch with Megkefel, her mom, and adorable son. If I was ever in a group hug with Cale, Evan, and Henry my head would friggin explode from cuteness overload. My boys!

After my Wednesday night shenanigans I thought it best not to get drunk the rest of the weekend. It was a wise decision as I was able to enjoy the time off sans a hangover. My stress did catch up with me a bit yesterday, though. Panic attack again. It sucks and I'm so over it. I just wish they'd go away already.

As relaxing as my weekend was, I did have MD and Minnow on my mind the whole time. I think my body freaked out just so I would stop obsessing. It worked. I felt okay today for the most part. Meditating helps. I plan on doing it every day.

The good news is things are looking up already. It appears Nun and Tennis are going to help me transfer to the new position. I'd be Manager of Digital Operations. Details to come, but the description sounds much more interesting and challenging than my current gig. Even if I don't end up staying at Minnow much longer, at least I'll learn something new for the time being.

No word for MD yet. I'm not nervous as I didn't plan to hear from him until Thursday the earliest. I know something will happen. Either we talk and it works out, we talk and it doesn't, or we don't talk and I move on. Something's gotta give.

Something.

Random Cell Phone Pics Part 5

I am a...


I hate yellow cars. This is why car companies shouldn't advertise them in NYC:


Every time I pass this I think of the X-Men:


MD, drawn poorly by yours truly:


Awesome:

Tasting What?

He knows now

A couple of days ago I wrote MD doesn't know I'm a nutbag yet, yet being the operative word.

He knows now.

I had a complete fucking meltdown at the bar last night. I don't really know what happened. It's been an emotional week. (What week isn't?)

On Tuesday I was talking to my coworker Hands about a position that opened in our division. The problem is I'd still have to report to Nun, my sleazy boss above Tennis. I'm not sure exactly when my opinion of him changed, but in the year since Nun's become my boss it's gone from inspired, hopeful, and excited to disappointed, unimpressed, and nauseated. It turns out he's a political salesman without much cred.

Apparently he has opinions about me, too. Hands told me Nun said that I'm extremely smart and could run the company one day if it wasn't for my bad attitude. I was stunned. I asked Hands to elaborate. Nun said I don't have the drive or interest to put me ahead.

There are three things that really bother me about this. One, GO FUCK YOURSELF. It is completely unprofessional to talk about your employees in a negative light. Two, he has never once mentioned this to me nor has Tennis. I already knew they were horrible managers, but really? What were they going to do, wait for my review to tell me this? Assholes. Three, he's right.

I don't care about Minnow. The first year and a half I was happy taking classes at SVA. The next year I was happy working on Oracle and a warehouse project, despite the drama with Tennis. The past six months I've been unhappy. I am not inspired to do anything, except keep my head down until 5pm. This is completely out of character for me. I love to learn and be involved, so I know there's definitely something wrong.

I guess that something is me. I could change my attitude. I could probably advance if I shoved my nose up Nun's ass like his managers do. That's not me, though. I don't do shit for appearances or fake the funk. He's got that covered. Once again I find myself in the same position I'm always in, paying for not playing the game.

I'm pretty upset about this. On the one hand I'm upset that I haven't made Minnow work out. I'm standing in my own way again. I could succeed there if I just sucked it up and pretended I wanted to be part of Nun's little clique. The problem is I'm not a good actress. Oh and I'm stubborn as fuck. I believe your work and ideas should matter more than who you have lunch with, end of story.

On the other hand I'm upset because I haven't left yet. If I don't care to succeed at Minnow, why am I still there? I want to feel good about where I work and what I do. I just haven't figured out what do next yet.

So Tuesday kind of sucked. I have my pdiddy this week, so it made everything feel worse. I feel so lost. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going, nada. I'm on this loop of work, home, bar, work, home, bar and I don't even like the work part.

Home is weird lately, too. I'm having the stove fears again and that on top of bedbug paranoia makes me not even want to come home some nights. I realized tonight these are symptoms of a bigger problem: I don't feel safe or secure. Why? Because I don't know where I am. I don't feel in control either. Why? Because I don't know where I'm headed...

which leads into last night. I left work at 2pm for the holiday (okay, I guess Minnow isn't THAT bad), ran some errands, and got to Crazy Ass at 5:30pm. I only had maybe four beers, but the owner kept giving me shots. I was TANKED. At one point I texted MD to come to the bar because I missed him. Cute, right? Well for some reason I decided he should have responded right away. I totally beer teared out when I didn't hear from him for two hours. Two whole hours! I'm so fucking stupid. I was so upset that I decided to leave, but then he walked in while I was walking out. I took one look at him and started bawling. I completely lost my shit. The poor guy had no clue there was a disaster waiting for him. Unfortunately I don't remember much of what I said. All I know is I told him I liked him so much that I didn't know what to do with myself. It's the same theme as I wrote above: without a label defining our relationship I feel lost, insecure, and out of control.

Or maybe I don't even need a label. I just need him to talk. He's stepped it up so much lately that I felt like we were on the path to commitment, but the mo still hasn't verbalized any of his feelings about me or us so there was no reassurance or guarantee. Last night I lost my patience. I knew it would happen, but I had no idea I was going to explode. It was all my fault.

This afternoon I left him a message apologizing for my antics. He returned my call, so I guess that's a good sign. Luckily he's going out of town for a few days. The break is probably for the best.

I'm so disappointed in myself for freaking out, but I just want answers to something right now. Our relationship is in his hands, so it would be nice to know where he wants to take it. The stress of uncertainty in all areas of my life is clearly getting to me. It would be nice to have something sorted out.

Crap. He knows I'm a nutbag now.

And a few one-liners...

"...or at least turn the volume down until he's ready for full blast me." RE: How I'm holding back with MD a bit.

"I'm going to microwave a bag of lettuce." RE: My plans for making a veggie dish for Thanksgiving without using my stove.

"He's the Punktuation." RE: How my ex-boyfriend Tat looked exactly like the punk version of The Jersey Shore's Situation.

An IM to Tron

I also save IMs and other thoughts in my Gmail drafts. It just occurred to me that I can easily post them here.

An IM to Tron around May 25, 2010:

(9:44:08 AM) Thighs: I'm really disillusioned today. I don't HAVE to feel that way, and I know this. I just don't know if I ever want to work in an office/corporation again, but in order to get rid of my debt I"m going to have to for a few more years. I know there are plenty of people out there that hate their jobs and want to do something else too. The thing is, those are the people I want to inspire. My biggest complaint in working for "the man" (whoever he is) is that there's no empowerment, no nurturing, no growth. Then again, all I know is Publishing so it could just be the industry...

(9:44:31 AM) Thighs: I'm babbling. Sorry. I like to write with a stream of conscious when I'm not sure what I want to say.

(9:45:54 AM) Thighs: My point is, at least I think it is, that I'm scared to change but I just don't see how I can stay the same way much longer. I'm at a fork in the road and as exciting as it is I'm a bit nervous.

(9:46:55 AM) Thighs: I want to wake up and love what I do, where I'm going, everything. If I don't love my life, what else is there?

My 5 Year Plan, 3 Years Ago

From Rockstar's iPhone:

35 trip around the world (6 months)
Not work 4 other people
Write & get paid
Color & get paid
Get rid of debt
Inc. Or llc

I believe Rocks transcribed this a couple of months after I turned 30. I forgot about it until she sent it to me last September, when I was 31 and a half. I've kept it in my inbox ever since as a reminder.

Now I'm coming up on 33 and have not accomplished any of these things yet. YET. Well, I would still like to go on a world tour for my 35th birthday if anyone's interested although that would probably put off the getting rid of debt goal. And it doesn't necessarily have to be a six month sabbatical. I haven't decided. YET.

Sooo tired...

I need sleep. This post will not make any sense.

On Friday I woke up at 5am to head down to Minnow's South Jersey office for a meeting with Tron. Waking up early isn't really a problem for me, except that I didn't sleep too well to begin with. I have a new neurotic obsession keeping me up at night...bedbugs.

No, I don't have them. At least it doesn't appear so. The other night I was laying in bed and I swear to Shiz I felt like I was getting bit up, though. SO GROSS!

The trip to the office was exhausting. I left Astoria at 6am, planning to get down there by 10am. No such luck as a NJ Transit train got caught in a down wire and everyone was electrocuted. Okay, no one was electrocuted, but I was stuck on the Rahway platform for two hours. I finally got to the office at noon. I was pretty braindead for our meeting, but I'm happy with what we accomplished.

I don't know how I rallied to meet MD later that night. I stayed out until about 12:30am, came home, thought about bedbugs, and fake slept.

The next day I headed to North Jersey to visit the Bear Family (I think you guys get a new nickname every time I write about you). I had a great time catching up with M & J and hanging with my coolest nephew Evan! Yes, he's my only nephew and no, he's not actually my nephew, but HE RULES.

I came back to Queens around 10pm and texted with MD for a couple of hours before I passed out. I woke up during the night a little itchy again, then I started to stress out. It would suck to have bedbugs right when MD and I are hitting our stride! How do you tell someone you're dating you have bedbugs!?!? That would suck! Or how do you tell them you pretend you have bedbugs to drive yourself crazy?? That would really suck!

Luckily he doesn't know I'm a nutbag yet. We spent all day yesterday together watching football at the bar, then TV at his place. We fell asleep on the couch for a bit (super comfy), but couldn't fall back to sleep once we went to the bedroom. We both tossed and turned all night, so I really haven't had a proper night's sleep since Wednesday.

I wanted to come home tonight and go right to sleep, but I had to conquer this bedbug thing. I scoured my mattress, cleaned out everything from under my bed, and washed all of my sheets and blankets. I found a couple of weird little seed-like things and one small dead bug, but that was it. Apparently if I had bedbugs I'd see them in packs, so I'm good. Just insane. And insanely tired.

Yay Off!

Okay, now that I got some negative junk off my chest (heh) I'd like to end the night with a happy update.

Health:

I went to the gym a few times! I'm not on a regular schedule yet, but I'm excited to be back and ready to get in shape. I don't care how much weight I lose. I just don't want an old man ass anymore.

I feel better! Blood test results came back fine, except that my thyroid meds need to be upped. No biggie. I have a sneaky suspicion the lightheadedness was caused by incorrectly using the Neti Pot. It kept coming out of mouth (heh), so it's quite possible I accidentally drowned my brain. Five times.

The girls are still even! There is an unfortunate drama with my doctor, insurance, and mother, but they can all go fuck themselves. I'm natural.

Boys:

Remember Mick? It feels weird to even write about this because a) I don't think about him anymore, b) that whole ordeal feels like years ago, and c) I can't believe I even liked the guy, but I will because I'm five...

I won the "break-up"!! Yes, he has a girlfriend and I'm still single BUT I consider the winner the one who has moved on emotionally as well as relationship statusly (manujaggered). I saw him Friday night and could tell he missed me. Then this morning I got an email from him reading something like "yada yada, It was great seeing you the other night. I hope we're cool because I really enjoy hanging out with you." Ha! SUCKER. I rule and you drool.

Things with MD are progressing. Sort of. I have a habit of thinking I'm putting SO MUCH into a relationship when really, it's all in my fucking mind. MD doesn't know that I think about him all of the time. He doesn't know I'm analyzing everything he said and did. Thank Shizza he doesn't know these things!!

Take the week he didn't call. I beat the shit out of myself. He was an ass for not contacting me, but is it his fault I ripped myself a new one? Not at all. This is why I feel things are sort of progressing. I am "using" MD to learn how to go with the flow, be more patient, and less hard on myself. And it's working!

I feel much better about him. I have no idea how he feels, where he thinks this is going, or if he's seeing anyone else. For now I'm okay with this partly because I'm learning, but also because I know that when I'm NOT okay with it I'll take action. I trust myself to know when I'm done.

Another reason? I have a really nice time with him. We hung out Sunday night, took off Monday, and spent the day together in bed watching TV. It was pretty awesome. He's opening up a bit more and I'm learning to shut up a bit more. We shall see!

Friends:

Besides boys, I got to see Juniper and Socks and Stevie and Bakes and Janeypants this weekend too! SO FUN! This coming weekend I'll get to see Melis, Jim, and Evan, too!!

Other:

I have finally decided to stop spending every last cent each paycheck.

I love football!

It's time for bed!

Lay Off

I haven't been in a Thighs mood lately. I'm really not in one right now, but I'm forcing myself to write. I find it helps.

SO. There were layoffs this week at Minnow. I'm not sure if I ever gave the head of my division a nickname on here. Huh, actually it might have been Head. Regardless, he and a few other execs were fired yesterday due to a massive reorganization. Basically there isn't a Supply Chain division anymore.

I know this is going to sound shitty, but fuck it. It's my blog and you already know I'm self-absorbed. In fact I think that's one of the requirements to becoming a blogger...

I didn't feel affected by the news until this afternoon. Head was a tyrant fuckwad who thrived on bullying his weaker reports, especially my boss Tennis. He tried it with me a couple of times and I told him to fuck off without actually saying it. That style of management is for rich pussy white guys that would shit their pants had they ever experienced an actual life-threatening emergency instead of their made up "red alert fire drills" that need "all hands on deck" and "answers yesterday." You're in publishing, asshole. Congrats for being such a hard-ass in an industry 85% women and gay men.

Obviously, I could give a fuck he's not working there anymore.

The self-absorbed part comes with this question, what happens to me? Guess what? Nothing. This afternoon Nun told us mine and Breen's jobs aren't changing. FUCK.

Yes, I should be happy to even have a job, but now I'm screwed. If they don't change my job, who will?

And that my friends is why I love to write. I had no idea that last sentence was the real reason I'm upset.

I am pissed off that I wasn't fired or transferred because now it's still up to me to get off my ass and look for a new job. I'm ridiculous.

On a positive note, I am pretty excited (nerd-excited) that a system I conceptualized and scoped out two years ago is finally being made. It's cool to see something I created come to fruition and even cooler when a good friend is the IT developer. So I guess it's not totally horrible there...

LOOK FOR A NEW JOB FUCKER!

FA!

Boring...

Oh and I'm down to my last $50 until Monday, so I guess I'm staying in all week again. If 2010 was about learning to live within my means sans credit card, then 2011 will be about learning how to not blow all of my means every paycheck.

Yes, I am 32 and horrible with money. At least I'm on my way to being 35 and awesome with money. Better late than never.

Whoa!

Eight days since my last post? Huh. What the hell have I been doing?

I stayed in most of last week because I still wasn't feeling well. As Agent Sick Stickles, the hypochondriac detective, brother to Agent Dick Stickles the porn detective (Do you have a permit for that penis?), I went down the list of possible ailments. It occurred to me that my right eye had been bothering me for a while, so I went to the eye doctor. He said I had a slight irritation, but it wouldn't have made me lightheaded this whole time. He gave me some drops and suggested I ditch the contacts for a few days. Easy peasy except that the lens of my rimless (heh) glasses popped out, so I've been wearing my old glasses from college. BOOTY. Guess what? It took him literally five seconds to fix the broken pair. D'oh!

By Friday I was feeling MUCH better, so to celebrate I stayed out drinking until 3:30am with MD. Epitome of health, I am.

On Saturday I went to my friend JP's house for the second beer and food pairing this year. Bakes and I brought a growler of 21st Amendment Fireside Chat, a deep ruby brown ale with a subtle blend of spices. We paired it with mac and cheese made with gruyere, cheddar, and I think nutmeg. Both were delicious! In researching the beer I learned that FDR's Fireside Chats were radio speeches he gave to communicate to the public how the country would recover from the depression. After the first chat he said to his top aides "I think it's time for beer." and they began working on the bill to end Prohibition that night. The 21st Amendment was passed nine months later in December of 1933.

Beer homework rules. Check out the label, artwork named "FDR beer geeking with an elf.":


Something else I learned this weekend, a growler doesn't only refer to a refillable jug. It is slang for what Urban Dictionary describes as "a mean, butch looking pussy." so when I said I was going "to get my growler filled at Ginger Man" I was being twice awesome.

Saturday night I saw THE PEE-WEE HERMAN SHOW ON BROADWAY! Holy moses, it was AMAZING! Rolo, thanks again for getting the tickets!

I flipped out when PW came out on stage. I flipped out the minute the curtain went up and revealed the Playhouse exactly as it was on the show. I flipped out when Conky gave the secret word. I flipped out the whole time!! **SPOILER ALERT** My favorite parts:

1. Random quotes: "I hate mute characters." and "How queeer..."
2. I love this scene in Big Adventure when Francis and PW are talking outside. Pee-Wee totally said "I love that story." in the show!!



3. Another scene I love in Big Adventure is the one where it's dark out and there are only cartoon eyes on screen. THEY DID THIS ON STAGE! IT WAS AMAZEBALLS! I ACTUALLY SCREAMED OUT "YES!" AND PUMPED AIR.

I am not one to get star-struck, mainly because I don't care, but fuck yeah did I wait outside after the show to hopefully meet him. Unfortunately he wasn't doing autographs, BUT he was hysterical and gracious and awesome. And quickly pacing back and forth, so this is the only good picture I got of him. (The two people in front were no joke, like 6'4" and didn't seem to give a shit that average-sized people were behind them.)



Sunday afternoon was me, my couch, and football. Yay Giant and Jet wins!! Sunday night was me, MD, my couch, and FOX Animation Domination.

What gives? I will tell you. I reneged on the "break up." Why? I will tell you. I like him. I jumped to too many conclusions about what he wants, where he's at, and what he's willing to give me. I want him to tell me these things instead of assuming I know it all, because frankly I don't know shit.

It's hard being single. I'm still trying to find the line between naive doormat and patient compromise. Is MD the guy I'm going to marry? I doubt it, only because he's a mute character (thank you PW) and I have no idea what's going on in his head. I want to be with someone who openly communicates and shows a little more enthusiasm and passion toward me. The thing is, just because he hasn't shown it so far doesn't mean he never will.

Or it does mean he never will. I'm giving him another shot to see what he brings this time around. I know what his patterns are now, so I won't be disappointed or upset. It's up to him if he wants to surprise me by changing them and making a concerted effort. It's up to me to keep looking for someone who will.

In the meantime I enjoy his company, I enjoy getting my growler filled*, and I still can't get over the kissing. I'll give him a couple more weeks and see what happens.



*Yes I'm using protection, but that's my new favorite phrase. Thank you Rob!

BP

As tired as I've been this week I'm finding it hard to fall asleep before midnight. I watched Pee-Wee's Big Adventure (YAY!) then laid in bed trying to remember the name of the blonde in Cougar Town who was also in Freaks and Geeks. This is weird because I don't even watch Cougar Town. The one time I tried I was grossed out by the vacuumed faces. Whatever happened to growing old gracefully, ladies?

I was pretty sure it was an uncommon "P" name so for a good half hour I thought: Pixie, Peyton, Portia, Phoebe, Portence, Polly, Pugsley (hee-hee), and so on. Then I thought it was a "B" for a bit, my favorite one of that bunch being "Biloxi."

Well folks, it's Busy. Busy Phillips. You're welcome.

Thighs sighs...

I went for a walk around the hood to see if I had the energy to put together a last minute Halloween costume, to then decide if I had the energy to go out tonight.

I don't. Sigh.

Rosemary's Baby was going to either be me fake pregnant with 666 written in blood on the belly of my blue nightgown or just the blue nightgown with a devil baby in hand. I was too tired to attempt to find and/or make a devil baby this week, so this morning I took my small camping pillow and stuffed it under my shirt.

Fake preggers is weird. And I decided single women should never pretend to be pregnant. It would be hard to meet someone in that "condition."

I searched my closet and found my old vampire outfit and raver pants. My vampire outfit had been in my parents' basement for the past seven years and smells like it. My raver pants are fine, so I popped over to the Salvation Army to find a cheap Polo or Nautica shirt since that's what most ravers wore in the late 90s. Well, guys anyways. I wore a lot of thrift store t-shirts, puffy vests, and fun jewelry, none of which I have anymore. I go through these "I'll never need this again" purges only to regret it later. Sigh.

I got so incredibly tired walking that I gave up. I'm now home (obviously) and ready to call it a night. I'm bummed, but I need to rest. It's amazing how at 32 I can still get that "worried I'm going to miss out on something awesome" feeling. Maybe next year I'll stop partying all of the time and only go out on big occasions. I laughed as I typed that sentence.

The good news is I haven't been sick in quite a while. (I'm not counting Boob Saga.) I don't actually feel sick-sick, just beat. I could sleep for days. I'm hoping the blood tests come back with something definitive that I can address. I hate when everything's fine, but clearly not fine.

More good news, I joined NYSC again. They bribed me into coming back by taking 50% off the monthly dues. I'm stoked. The last time I remember feeling great this year was around the 10K. I want that feeling back, damn it!! As soon as I kick this fatigue I'm going to get back into the habit of hitting the gym before work.

Okay, the real reason I have the missing out feeling is because I thought something special was going to happen. Maybe I'd meet someone, maybe I'd run into MD, maybe I...oh whatever. I'm home. Sigh.

In related news, I'm hooked on How I Met Your Mother reruns. It's hysterical, plus it makes me feel better about my dating history. I think I'm a Barney/Ted split: a self-absorbed sarcastic minx who wants to find true love. I relate to this show much more now than I do Sex and the City, probably because I'd rather spend my money on beer than on clothing.

Oh my gosh, my mom said I should call an allergist to see if I'm allergic to beer. CAN YOU IMAGINE? I don't know what I would do with myself. Please Shizza, no!

If I feel up to it tomorrow I might hit the Halloween parade. I want to do SOMETHING this weekend. Jets game is at 1pm, Giants are on a bye. I have zero plans all next week, then Saturday is the second beer/food pairing party followed by Pee-Wee on Broadway. I'm excited!! I've been watching my Pee-Wee's Playhouse DVDs to prepare. OH! I should also rent the movies too. Good call.

Right now I have The Birds and North by Northwest. Did I ever mention I love Hitchcock? I love Hitchcock.

I'm tired again. Sigh. I need to force myself to be positive when I don't feel well. I CAN NAP! I CAN WATCH MOVIES! I CAN READ! I CAN COLOR! I CAN ORDER FOOD! I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT EVEN IF I'M STAYING IN TONIGHT!

Aaaahh, that's better!! Happy Halloween!

DJ Freckles

I like this commercial, especially the freckle part. Juniper, DJ Hero night soon please!

A Weak Week

Blah blah blah. I feel like poo again. Good ol' Pdiddy came two weeks early and apparently brought with him a ridiculous amount of fatigue, lightheadedness, and tears. What, no Ciroc?

I wrote "apparently" because who the fuck knows the real cause of any of my ailments. My five day drinking binge? Perhaps. My thyroid is out of whack? Perhaps. My insanity is finally taking over? Hapsper.

When I was younger I had varying degrees of partidtumuchitis. Lymes and mono came before my drinking days, but Epstein Barr and chronic fatigue syndrome kicked in right around the same time the E and acid did. Who would have thought I'd get really sick and tired after candy-flipping for three days straight?? Shocking.

So this week I'm taking a much needed break from beer. In fact, I may have to pass up on the Halloween festivities this weekend too. We'll see how I feel after sleeping in on Saturday.

I did have the energy to do two things tonight. One:



They didn't have a box of 120 so I settled for 96. My second favorite thing to do with a new box of crayons is dump them all out and group them by color family*. My first favorite is color, of course!

Two: I broke it off with Fanboy. He called a little while ago. I gave him the whole "I see us as friends" speech. The polls said I didn't owe him a phone break-up since we only went out on one date. I usually agree with this, but I got the feeling Fanboy would want to talk. He did. Forty minutes. It wasn't bad, though. We spoke candidly about our dating history and what we want. I toyed with the idea of trying to set him up with someone. It would be completely selfish, but selfishness doesn't always lead to bad things! He'd get laid while I am free of guilt and loaded with good dating karma. I decided against this though, considering I don't have a lady in mind. Anyone know a nerdy-cool female sports fan who's shy and quirky? Does anyone even read this anymore?

There are a bunch of things I want to be good at some day. Breaking up with people isn't one of them. If I have to let a guy go I want to be as considerate and respectful as possible, but I don't want anymore practice please!

Sadly, I miss MD. Having my period twice in October isn't friggin' helping. I could call him, but what the fuck would I say? "Fooled you!" Yeah, I pulled that shit with Mick and it blew up. See this is the problem with me. (One of.) I can't tell if I miss him OR miss the idea of him OR am pretending to miss him because I'm so uncomfortable with the fact I made a strong, positive decision to protect myself from getting more hurt by someone who didn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated.

I don't know what to think. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have told him my expectations and gave him a chance to tell me his. Oh well. Even if ending it with MD was a mistake, it was the healthiest one I've ever made.



*In case you were wondering, I took the autism quotient test and got a 10. What is the opposite of autism? I have that.

Shocked and Disturbed!

I have the urge to do something that I haven't done in forever...

COLOR!!

Only problem is I can't find my big box of crayons!! I am seriously shocked and disturbed by this! I ALWAYS have at least a 64 box, but I could have sworn I had a 120 one!! I can't find it anywhere and it's not like there are a million places it could hide...

I have an 8 box, so all is not lost. And colored pencils, but I'm not really a big fan of those.

I just can't believe I don't have my crayons! I don't even know the last time I used them!! WHO AM I!?!?!?

Guess what I'm buying tomorrow. Crayola I love you!!

Beer Poker Nada Date

The past few days have been really nice, although I'm feeling a bit melancholy. It's probably because my daytime buzz has worn off...

Wednesday was a Founders brewery event at Blind Tiger. The Nemesis is 12% alcohol and 100% awesome. A description: “a dark barley wine that pours black with a subtle mahogany hue. Brewed with 5 malts and no shortage of hops for a pleasantly bitter booming flavor. Roasty and toasty with a multitude of tastes that melts on your tongue." Their Kentucky Breakfast Stout is amazing too.

Thursday was drinks with Scholly. I love catching up with old friends, feeling like no time has passed. Friday was Pokher night. The Petes and I have FINALLY decided to play poker every month. We've wanted to do this for at least eight years now. We played Texas Hold'em which is surprisingly straight-forward considering you don't trade in cards. This doesn't make it any easier to win, just easier to learn.

Yesterday I did nothing all day except sleep in and watch Rosemary's Baby. I can't believe I've put off watching it for so long. It is such a good movie. I am definitely being Mia Farrow for Halloween. Now I need to figure out where I'm going!!

Later on I ended up going to a party for the opening of Levi's Photo Workshop. It was fantastic: free to get in, free beer, and a free Nada Surf acoustic show. I've never really listened to them before, but Bakes and Juniper are huge fans so I was interested to check them out. Fo' free! They were great and I now have a crush on both the bassist and drummer. Well, maybe just the bassist's dreadlocks. The drummer isn't my type physically (not that this matters), but his enthusiasm and spirit were so warm and inviting that I had to meet him after the show. Oh Ira, you're adorable!

Today I had my date with Fanboy. The real reason I'm melancholy is because I'm bummed I don't like him. He just texted me "I can't wait to hang out with you again." GAH! Fanboy likes me, is interested in who I am and what I'm about, and is making sure I know it. This is what was missing with MD.

Great. Now I'm crying. It's so not fucking fair. If I could put Fanboy's personality into MD's body, I'd be set. And I don't mean for looks either. MD has a laidback yet confident presence, while Fanboy seems a little too insecure for me. Fuck.

See? This is why I can't online date. The physiological signs mean too much. If I don't blush, get shy* and giggly, or want to stick my tongue down a guy's throat, then I don't want to date him. I don't want to date Fanboy. BAH!



*I get shy when I really like someone. I swear.

Damn it FB!

Fanboy friended me as I was writing my last post. He seems perfectly fine, but damn it Facebook! I remove-tagged myself from all my fat pictures in lightning fast speed.

Shut up.

I can't be bothered to online date anymore. I kind of hate it, although I have been emailing with a Plenty of Fish guy this week. He's a big Giants, Mets, comic book, and Guinness fan. Check please!

I haven't been on POF in over a year, so I'm not really sure what made me even check my email. It's probably MD. I miss him. Of course I miss him. I didn't break it off because I'm not interested, I broke it off because I knew it wasn't going anywhere right now. Blerg.

My profile is apparently on the top of the recent user list because I'm getting a lot more ridiculous emails: "how u doin qt?", "Do you date black men?" from what looks like a white guy, and my favorite of the week "Shut up. : )"

Shut up? That's it? That's all you're going to write? I might write back "Kill yourself."

Fanboy gave me his number, so I'm going to call him this weekend. He also said we should be Facebook friends, but I don't like this idea. I hate the whole awkward when-do-I-delete-you dance. Who knows, maybe I won't need to but I'm not adding you until the ring's on my finger thankyouverymuch.

My, how things change.

I finally heard from MD Friday night at 12:30am. I didn't get his text until the next morning since I passed out around 11pm after drinking too much vodka at a strip club. (My life is awesome.)

The text read, "I've been out of town all week, what are you up to tonight?". I screamed out, "NOOOOOO!" I'm not sure why I did that. I guess I had already made up my mind I was done with him. If you haven't noticed, once my mind is made up it is really, really hard for me to change it. I'd say I'm stubborn, but there are so few times when I absolutely positively know how I feel about something that when it happens I need to hold onto it.

Oh. Right. That's the definition of stubborn. Crap.

I wasn't going to write him back for a couple of days to sort things out, but I did Saturday night as I was leaving Svenica's wedding. The wedding was so fun and filled with love (Congrats guys! Thanks for inviting me!) that I decided I was going to give MD another chance.

MD met me at Crazy Ass after I got back from the Giants game on Sunday. (My life is awesome.) It wasn't the same when I saw him again. I was so friggin miserable after not hearing from him that it just ruined everything. I can't blame him for my reactions and insecurity, but I do blame him for not making the effort to call. It turns out he was sent to a work conference in Vegas last minute. He apologized for not calling and for texting me so late Friday night. He said he didn't mean to be rude.

It was nice to get an explanation, but it didn't make me feel better. I spent the rest of the night trying to make conversation. I had nothing to say. When we left the bar I was going to head home then decided fuck it, literally. I went back to his place for a couple of hours. BEST KISSER OF ALL TIME. We are very sexually compatible, but that's just not enough for me. I want more.

I saw him in a completely different light. All of a sudden there were red flags everywhere. I won't go into specifics, but all signs were pointing to one thing: while he might be single, he definitely isn't available. I left feeling good about getting laid, but bad about the fact he isn't the guy for me.

I decided to break it off. I want love, I want passion, and I want someone I can trust. I know these things can build over time, but if he already let me down after six weeks I don't see it getting any better.

I womaned up and called him a couple of hours ago. He was really, really nice about it. I can't remember what I said exactly, but it was along the lines of "I had a lot of fun hanging out with you, but I'm looking for something serious and I get the feeling you want something casual right now." He agreed saying he just got out of a long-term relationship (one of the red flags) and wasn't looking to jump right into a new one. I told him I think he's awesome and said I'm really grateful we met when we did since I went through some shit this summer that he really helped me get over. I didn't go into it of course, but I really wanted to thank him. He ended up thanking me for calling and letting him know. I said I'm sure I'll see you around the neighborhood, so I thought it was best to be honest. It's good dating karma, people!!

PHEW! All of that in less than three minutes. Best break-up-with-someone-I'm-not-actually-committed-to EVER!

I hung up the phone and cried. It was good tears. I know I did the right thing. I want to create space for someone who goes out of his way to make sure I feel good about us and myself. MD wasn't the guy. I'm excited to find the one who is.

Good-bye best kisser SO FAR!

A Letter to MD

Well I'm at work and can't stop thinking about you again. It sucks. I'm not sure what I did wrong. Am I fat? Did I leave too long of a message? Did I not contact you enough? Did I call you the wrong name? (I'm burnt.) WHAT DID I DO?

Everyone keeps saying it's not me, it's you. We all know that's not true though. Obviously I'm not the person you want due to some defect of mine. If I was the one for you it wouldn't matter that you just got out of a relationship. It wouldn't matter that I'm chunky or pale or bald or whatever. You'd like me and you'd call. You'd need to see me.

And this is why you're not the right guy for me. I want to need to be with someone and I want him to need to be with me. I want the kind of love that he and I would both fight for, whether it's an internal battle or an external one. I want love in all areas of my life - job, home, friends, boyfriend, family, everything. I don't have it all yet, but I will. I thought you were a part of this. I thought you were someone who I could eventually fall in love with and who would love me back just as much. Apparently I was wrong. There were moments that I thought you saw a future too, but that's all they were. Moments.

I'm going to the bar where we met after work today. I know I won't see you. I probably won't run into you for a long time. I'm afraid that when I do you'll be with someone else. Someone I'm not, like a petite brunette. She won't be as cool as I am (that's a given), but I guess I'm not as hot as she would be. Isn't this sad? The one thing I'm harping on is the one thing I have control over fixing. Maybe that's why I met you now, right after The Boob Saga. My body "failed" me as a teen, but it's "normal" now. There's nothing holding me back from being as healthy, fit, and hot as I want to be. Not that there really was anything holding me back, but now I definitely don't have to hide who I am anymore. I have nothing to protect myself from. I've faced it all.

I will say I'm still in shock a bit. The way you talked, the way you looked at me, the way you held me. It's funny how classy and mature I thought you were just based on your suit-wearing, high-paying job and nice apartment. I guess it really does matter who we are on the inside, not the out. I hate breaking up with people, too but at least I woman up and do it. The worst part of dating is not knowing where you stand, so I make sure to be honest if it's not working out.

Sometimes it's hard to believe I will end up with someone after 33 years of heartache. 33 years...that's a long time to be alone. Granted I haven't been dating since birth, but the dance is the same. I wanted my mother's love and approval and she was unable to give it to me. It's sad to admit this is my life story. I've tried to get the love I need from the wrong people. When will I ever learn?

It's been nine days since I last saw you, six days since I left the message. It doesn't sound like a long time, but my realtionship with time itself is drastically different now. A week feels like a year. A month feels like two years. I might be part dog.

I'm writing this in my gmail, but I'm considering posting it on Thighs. I don't know what the response will be. I can't tell if I'm being pathetic or honest. Maybe both. Hmmm...can you be pathetic without being honest?

I keep thinking about that movie Serendipity when Jeremy Piven's character says to John Cusask, "You are a jackass." Cusack was willing to be foolish and stupid for love. Maybe sharing this will make me look like an ass (donkey), but maybe it will also be the cleansing purge I need to move on. I refuse to let myself drag this out, especially after how crazy I made myself with Mick. If only I could be more black and white when it comes to guys. I'm not sure if that's possible, though. I am very gray, except when it comes to seafood and beer.

I guess there's not much more to say. I can't waste my time wondering what you're thinking anymore. All I can do is take a deep breath and get back out there. In a couple weeks time you'll be a distant memory, as are most of the other guys I've dated in the past. Maybe that's the really sad part about it. I'm already the queen of fleeting relationships (boys, friends, work) and for the first time in my life I don't want to be. Hmmm...wait....

Nice!!! THAT'S the reason I haven't left Minnow yet! I'm sick of bouncing around! I want to be committed to something (I should be committed)!! HURRAH!

Wow. I feel so much better now that I've written all of this. In fact, it makes sense. I didn't think this would end on a high note, but I gotta say...THANK YOU. You came (heh) at the exact time I needed you. I'm over Mick, I'm over The Boob Saga, and I now know I am truly, truly ready for love and to settle down.

::deep breath:: Time to get back out there.