Death

I had a very lovely Christmas with my family this past weekend.  My mom only made me cry once, but that was today so at least the holiday was pleasant.

There were two uncomfortable things that happened, though.  One, I noticed how often we McGees interrupt and talk over one another.  It's horribly rude and sadly, I know I do it, too.  Luckily, most of my friends are the same way.  At least I think they are...oh shit, is that the only way you can get a word in edgewise with me?  SORRY.

Two, we were sitting at the kitchen table and my parents told Rip and I about their plans for the future.  Yada, yada, yada, then my mom mentioned "if one of us dies..." and I brainfarted.

If one of them dies.  Jesus.  Sometimes when I was really mad at them I'd wish they were dead.  That was angsty, mean, asshole shit and I regret it, especially now that they are getting older.  Granted they are still relatively younger than some of my friends' parents, my dad being 61, Mom 58, but still.

My mom's dad died at 62 from a heart attack.  He also had Alzheimer's, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with dying young.  My other grandparents died over 75.

Excluding Grandpa Crowley, if history is any indicator my parents have about 15-20 years left. I don't like this one bit.

My parents just dropped me off after we visited my aunt and uncle in Long Island.  Once I got upstairs I had this insane urge to write about their death and death in general.  Hopefully this post isn't a jinx.

I'm a believer in the afterlife, spirits, The Larger, and Heaven in the sense that when you die you are somewhere good and peaceful.  I don't really believe in Hell, although I have thought maybe Earth is hell and you just keep coming back until you are a good person. My own personal hell would be an eternity long panic attack I can't get out of. I assume most mentals would agree.  My point is I'm not worried about what happens to them after they die. I can't do anything about it, nor is there any proof as to what actually occurs, so I find comfort in believing the deceased is always with me.  Not when I'm naked, of course.

What's really bothering me is imagining my life without them.  I never thought about it before, probably because I've only felt love and a connection to them in recent years.  Once my mom started talking about their death, my heart sank and my face got sad.  Wait, what?  What do you mean you're going to die?  Worse is, ONE of you might die and then the other has to live life alone?  My parents are retarded for each other, if they die they both have to go at the same time.  They have to, right??

Okay say they do both die. SHIT. I am really, really sad thinking about this.  Thinking how I'll never hear my dad's booming voice, laugh, or awesome "hail a cab NYC whistle" that I can't do.  I won't be able to call my mom and tell her about my day or hear her insane one-liners and weird noises, two quirks I'm extremely happy were passed down to me.  The both of them are silly bozos and I love it. I love them.

I guess this is what I really wanted to write about.  Not death, but life.  My parents' lives are full of love, passion, crazy, pain, laughter, more crazy, fun, everything.  It's not always easy to be around my mom, but I can't imagine not being ABLE to be around her or my dad. Blerg.

I love my parents. I love my brother. I love my family. I love my friends.

Writing this post helped me uncover a self-truth....What I fear most about death is living with a broken heart.

The end.

Apocalypse Wow

Per Wikipedia:

An apocalypse (Ancient Greek: ἀποκάλυψις apocálypsis, from ἀπό and καλύπτω meaning 'un-covering'), translated literally from Greek, is a disclosure of knowledge, hidden from humanity in an era dominated by falsehood and misconception, i.e., a lifting of the veil or revelation, although this sense did not enter English until the 14th century.^[1] In religious contexts it is usually a disclosure of something hidden In the Revelation of John (Greek Ἀποκάλυψις Ἰωάννου, Apocalypsis Ioannou), the last book of the New Testament, the revelation which John receives is that of the ultimate victory of good over evil and the end of the present age, and that is the primary meaning of the term.

I never thought the world was going to end.  It still could today, but I prefer not to think it will.  Instead I like the definition of apocalypse from above.  I also heard it defined as an "uncovering of truths".  Me likey.

Interestingly enough, I did have an experience last night that could have marked hell freezing over, pigs flying, or life as we know it ending.  MDLL surprised the shit out of me.

DISCLAIMER - We are not back together. If we get back together one day it will NOT be until well after his divorce is final.

We are both struggling with this breakup, especially on Sundays.  One of us contacts the other almost every week after the 4pm football games.  We don't say much, although this week we decided to meet Wednesday night for a pre-Christmas drink. 

Beforehand I went out with work friends to celebrate my last day (today!) at the midtown client office.  Naturally I got hammered.  By the time I got to Crazy Ass I was starving and exhausted, so I stayed long enough to inhale a plate of nachos and down three waters.  I actually showed some self-control!! We hugged, said Merry Christmas, and I went home.

About an hour later he texted me saying he's really glad I stopped by.  I wrote something along the lines of me too, this is hard, and I miss my best friend.  I also wrote that it hurts he's not fighting to get me back, but I know it's not his style so I'm trying not to take it personally.  He never responded.

Yesterday was a crazy, but great day.  I went from the midtown client to therapy to Stevie's firm for an awesome meeting, then went home and kept working for a couple of hours.  MDLL's flight to Pittsburgh was in the afternoon, so I figured he had landed when I was done working at 7pm. I imagined him getting off his flight, hugging his dad, then bursting out into tears because he loves me and fucked everything up for no reason. Hey, it's my fantasy!!

I thought this as I was leaving my apartment to buy Rippie a Christmas gift.  When I got downstairs, MDLL was standing there, suitcase in hand.  SHOCKED.  Absolutely shocked.  He's NEVER done anything like this before, never just showed up at my door, never really surprised me romantically with random gifts or appearances. I've imagined coming home from work and him waiting for me on my stairs, but I knew that was never going to happen.

But it did.  Hell is Hoth right now.

It turns out his flight was delayed for a few hours, then he and a bunch of other people missed it because there was no announcement when it finally boarded.  He was livid.  I don't blame him.

On the bus ride home from LGA, he thought of me. His gut said to come to my apartment immediately.  This is crazy because MDLL is not impulsive.  He overthinks things until he's paralyzed, unable to take action. (See divorce.) 

I kept thinking it was a dream.  I thought the Mayans were giving me one last night with him before we were wiped out of existence.  I thought it was one big acid flashback and I imagined the whole thing.  Apparently it was real.

I'm still in shock.  I don't know what to think or feel, so I'm not going to do either for a few days.  My disclaimer holds true - we are NOT getting back together nor our we "faking" a break up but still going to hang out all the time.  We both acknowledge our struggles and sadness are more intense due to the holidays and football (dorks), so we're cutting each other some slack right now.  Instead of beating myself up or over-analyzing what happened, I'm going to remember last night for what it was at face value:

My ex-boyfriend showed a little fight and romantic surprise. Obviously it was too little too late, but I'm going to cherish the moment because he finally went out of his way for me to show he cared.  That's all I ever wanted from him.

Thanks for the Christmas gift, MDLL.

Kids, Guns, Mentals Part 2

My previous post was written before the horrific shooting in Connecticut.

In Therapy Thursday the day before, I discovered my intense longing to meet my daughter Lauren Marie was more about me than her.  I imagined Lauren being everything I wasn't free to be as a child due to my emotional issues, low self-esteem, boob saga, weight problems, and abusive experiences, both verbally from my mom and physically with my cousin.

I pictured Lauren to be more than a free-spirit. She'd be a light, a rainbow, bringing joy to everyone she met.  She'd be creative, wildly artistic, and dress herself in mismatched clothes and tutus.  If she had emotional issues like me, I'd do my best to understand her and get her the help she needed. I'd hug her every night and tell her I love her over and over again, so she never felt alone or unwanted. In other words, I'd make damn sure she didn't have any of the same struggles I had growing up.

I realized this person I wanted to create wasn't my daughter. It was me.  It was my inner child.  I was subconsciously planning to live vicariously through Lauren rather than be the person I want to be or let her be the person she wants to be. For a moment I understood pageant moms.

Once I figured this out, my biological clock stopped ticking so loudly. I'd still like to be a mom one day, but the intense and suffocating urgency I felt the week before is gone.

Friday morning I was ecstatic. I was all ready to write about this with the awesomely gross title of "I'm pregnant with myself!".  Then the whole world went to shit.

My heart breaks for the families, teachers, fellow students, and friends of the victims.  I am disgusted, terrified and absolutely saddened by this horrible tragedy.  I hope they find solace, peace, and closure one day. I am putting all the faith and love I have out into the universe to hopefully ease some of their grief. I am so sorry for their loss.

Having spent the last couple of weeks thinking about motherhood, I now find my thoughts about it scattered and confused.  I cannot imagine being a parent at all right now.  I don't think I can handle the devastating pain of losing a child, the guilt and fear of giving birth to a monster, or worse, nurturing him to be one. 

There are two positive things hopefully coming out of this horrific event, one of them being a spotlight on mental healthcare.  Obviously I love therapy and am familiar with psychology, but many people aren't.  The masses need to understand there are many types of mental illness and need to be able to identify which ones are a danger to society. 

The usual description of a murderer is quiet, withdrawn, and anti-social. Well, that could also describe nerds and gamers.  The important thing to take note of is a person's disposition - Are they violent?  Do they hurt animals?  Do they "turn" like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?  Society can blame the media all the want, but it seems to me the real problem is when warning signs aren't addressed.  Again this is due to not knowing what the signs are in the first place. Hint - If you're afraid of someone, there's a reason.

The other positive?  Gun control.  Sorry NRA lovers, but this shit is fucking ridiculous. I've shot guns in a controlled environment. It was fun until I realized there is no reason to shoot a gun OTHER THAN TO KILL.  A while ago, probably after Aurora, I had a Facebook conversation with a high school friend.  He explained he owns guns because he lives in an area of South Carolina where help wouldn't reach him in time, should he need it.  I guess I can understand this to a point, but why live in such a secluded area then?  I live in NYC and I feel safer here than I do most other cities.  Maybe I'm living in a bubble, but I sure as hell don't feel the need to carry a gun to feel secure.

I'm starting to think Americans don't actually want to feel safe.  Or maybe its we don't know HOW to feel safe. We've grown accustomed to living in fear because that's what we're told to do.  The bible says to live in fear of God.  The government says to live in fear of terrorists.  Bigots say to live in fear of The Other - blacks, muslims, hispanics, gays, etc.  The media says to live in fear of toilets, plastic, and vitamins. We are a country of pussies when you think about it.  We fear everything we don't understand, which ironically IS everything.

I hope the victims of the four (!??!) mass murders we've had this year did not die in vain.  We need to make some changes in this country if we are going to survive.  Gun control and affordable mental healthcare are on the top of my list. I hope they are on Obama's too.

Peace, Love, Unity, Respect. PLUR.

Kids, Guns, Mentals Part 1

Written Monday, 12/10/12:

For the past few days I've been crushed with sadness by the idea I may run out of time before I get to have a kid.  This stupid fucking article I stupidly fucking read today has kicked me while I was already down.

I know that even if MDLL and I stayed together there was no guarantee we would/could have kids any time soon.  It just seems highly unlikely I'm going to meet someone in the timeframe necessary to date, fall in love, marry, and then put a baby in my belly before I'm 40.

Ironically, I don't actually WANT to be pregnant.  The idea of having something grow inside me other than a big fat deuce freaks me out, as does the toll it takes on the body and mind.  This is why I always figured I'd adopt, because not only am I helping care for a child in need, I also get to keep my current manageable level of crazy and my tiny size 14 ass. I want the baby without the pre-birth work, I guess.

The article is about the negative impact waiting to procreate has on the child's health and society as a whole.  The latter never occurred to me, so I'm still a bit stunned by what I read.  An obvious one is the chance that an older parent will die when the kid is still young.  This seems pretty obvious, however, add in the odds the kid may have developmental issues and now doesn't have parents to help them through life makes this pretty scary too...

You know what, don't read the article. It's fucking horrible, especially if you've recently broken up with your first adult love and are turning 35 in less than three months.

Most people jump to the conclusion that if a woman waits to have children it's because she is focused on her career and determined to "have it all".  Maybe this is true for some, but for me, it had nothing to do with my professional goals.  It has to do with two important things:

1. I was not emotionally and mentally capable of being a mother in my 20s

2. I was SINGLE.  Er, AM single.

I'm sorry, but I don't think there's anything feminazi about wanting to wait until I find love AND feel like I'd be a good mother.  Why aren't these things acknowledged and discussed?

No, instead I'm Diane Keaton before Elizabeth was dumped in her lap in Baby Boom.

I am quite happy to be where I am in life. Sure, there are things I regret, but becoming a single unfit mother is definitely not one of them.

This sucks.

Heart aerobics

Whoever created panic attacks is a dickcunt.  They usually feel like heart attacks, which just makes me panic more!!

All day my heart has been jumping out of my chest.  I thought it was the iced coffee, then I thought it was because I hadn't really eaten (I had a Kind bar at 10am then nothing until 3pm), then I thought I was dying, and now I realize I'm just mental.

Today was another super slow one at the midtown client's office, so per usual I was on Facebook.  I allowed myself to hulk out over some stupid Ben Stein religious/political/moronic rant, to only find out it was bullshit.  That was two hours ago and I still can't seem to get my Irish down!!

GAHAHGHGHAHHAHRAGERAGERAGEBLOODBOILINGIMUSTEATMYFIST

Truthfully I know why I'm so angry. It's misplaced frustration with my family and MDLL.  It's been another hard week of feeling down, so to take a break from the sad, I turned into mad.  This is subconscious of course, but at least I am aware of it when it happens.

I had a really great therapy session last night.  I cried a lot of the pain out, then focused on my disappointment for reverting back to my self-medicated ways of eating, drinking, and charging to excess.  I've mentioned my 20 pound weight gain and my fish-drinking, but I haven't come clean about the extra $5K I charged this year.  I got my $42K debt down to $17K and now it's back up to $22K.  I'm perturbed with myself.

I know I was doing these things because they are my lifelong coping mechanisms, but it bothered me how fast all three came back.  It bothered me until therapy when Cee helped me say this:

"I ran back to the things I'm familiar with because I was in unfamiliar territory."

Unfamiliar territory.  I love this phrase and it totally sums up where I've been for the past year, maybe more.  This is why I cherish therapy - while I can know the reason I do or feel things it takes a special way of hearing myself say it to hit home.

Being in love, being loved, commiting to MDLL, wanting a future with him, balancing the stress the relationship caused with my family and friends. It was all unfamiliar territory.  I ran back to what was familiar because I needed the balance to survive it.  Obviously I reverted back to my bad habits, but there were some positive ones too.  I'm reading more comics, watching more movies, writing in my journal, and enjoying art again.  It's nice to have those things back!

Falling off the wagon is nothing new.  People do it all of the time.  The good news is I am ready to get back on and get my shit in order again!!!

Heart aerobics over!!

Everything else!

Non-lovelife post...

Things are going really well otherwise!!  I'm having a great time hanging with my buds, reading comics, watching movies, exploring NYC, and chillin' out.  AND CHRISTMAS IS COMING!! WOO HOOOO!!

I somewhat begrudingly resigned my lease yesterday.  I had it in my head I wouldn't be living in Delilah next year, so I was a little bummed.  I could have moved to a new apartment on my lonesome, but that would be silly.  I like my place, the location rules, and the price is right.  Not really worth the moving stress, so instead I decided to upgrade my living room furniture! Out with the hand-me-downs and college crap and in with adulthood!

Another reason for not moving is work.  The L.A. client is still on the table for Jan/Feb and now there's another client in Seattle that may hire Biz.  Fingers crossed!  Last week I found out the midtown client I've been at for two years (!!) is not renewing our contract.  It makes sense because there's not much to do at this point, hence the Facebooking and blogging during downtime.  My last day here is the 21st and I am SO glad.  The fun and interesting work I am doing at Stevie's firm (yay!) highlights the fact that I am ready for new opportunities and change.

What else...ah, health.  Yesterday I didn't feel well, like someone poured battery acid into my esophagus and it boiled in my tummy.  I'm guessing it was a gastritis flare up and not gluten related.  It was probably all of the boozing I did since Thursday plus the stressful conversations I had over the weekend.  I ate pretty light, drank a ton of fluids, and popped some Tums.  I feel MUCH better today, but still a little sore.  I have a lot of fun plans coming up, but I definitely need a break from the crazy marathon drinking and 2am spicy chorizo tacos!!

What are my fun plans?  I will tell you:

Tonight - Dinner with Spags, Socks, and Bacon

Tomorrow - Life of Pi with Juniper

Thursday - Therapy!  It is saving me....

Friday - Stevie's Birthday Party!

Saturday - Bring It On the Musical with the crew, I think.  I was supposed to go to my cousin's holiday party in NJ, but I don't want to see my parents and field questions about MDLL. Later on I'll hopefully meet up with Rolo who is in town this weekend. Yay!

Sunday - Visiting Furball in the Boogie Down

Phew. So much fun to be had, but now I need a nap!

Watch your step when exiting the ride.

The public text shaming worked!  I did not contact MDLL at all last week, even when I was shitfaced Thursday through Saturday.  I went to Crazy Ass for happy hour on Friday because he doesn't usually get there until around 11pm.  Juniper made sure we left by 10:30pm so I wouldn't see him. SCORE.

HE called ME last night though.  I miss him a lot and I wanted to hear his voice earlier in the day, but I stopped myself from calling.  I realized I have nothing to say at this point.  It turns out he didn't really have anything to say either.  Somehow we still managed to stay on the line for an hour and a half, neither of us wanting to be the one to say good-bye.  I eventually did and it sucked.

Last Wednesday I talked to my parents for a bit as I left the office. I was having a really rough day and just wanted them to say something nice to me.  My dad did exactly that and I felt much better. Unfortunately when I got out of the subway tunnel a few minutes later there was a SCATHING voicemail from him, basically telling me to get over it and to move on and that this was all my fault.

I didn't speak to my parents until Saturday when my mom reiterated the idea I am to blame.  I'm the one who pushed MDLL to be with me, who ignored all of the red flags, who pursued a man who didn't love me.  It was awful.  She even brought up the time I flew to Chicago to hang out with that guy Fish, even though they advised against it.  She said my heartache is self-inflicted because I have no self-respect. Thanks mom.

Look, I know I am stubborn, thick-headed, dramatic, and over-the-top, but you know what?  For the first time in my life I'm proud I'm these things.  I've certainly reeled it in a lot compared to the shit I pulled in my 20s, hell even shit I pulled two years ago, but this is me.  And I like me.  I really like me.  Yes I should do this and should not say that and blah blah blah...fuck off.  There are very few things I regret in my life and NONE of them are in regards to love.  I've screwed around, I've cried, I've fought, and now I've loved someone more than I thought I ever could love someone.  What point is there to regret any of my past experiences if they all brought me to now?  Yes, now is painful, but I know I need to feel this way to grow.

Let's just say I took everyone's advice about MDLL a year ago.  You know what would have happened?  I would have missed out on all of our happy, fun, and loving moments, on our deep connection, on amazing sex.  I would have missed out on all of the close friendships we made together with the other Crazy Ass barflys.  I still wouldn't know I am a good girlfriend and am capable of having a serious relationship, nor would I have come to the conclusion I am ready for marriage and want to be a mother one day. 

And when would the advice taking stop?  Would I feel the need to follow someone else's advice for my next relationship?  Fuck that.  I am a strong and independent woman, just like my mom always wanted.  I may be a pain in the ass and it's probably hard to watch me fail, but with every failure I am that much closer to success.  I will not apologize for taking life by the balls and living the shit out of it.

That being said, I have learned who I can share certain things with, and let's face it, my parents are not those people.  I know they love and worry about me, but they have no idea how to manage being on the sidelines watching me score or fumble.  I have to figure out the balance between inviting them to games versus only showing them the highlight reels.

Where does this leave everything?  My parents and I will get through it because they are my family and I'm not going to ditch them now.  They are just being dicks at the moment.  MDLL misses me, loves me, and wants to get back together.  I told him it's too late, I've reached my limit.  If we were to ever try again it will have to be a long time from now when the wounds are healed and we are on the same page.  I doubt this will ever happen and I'm not even sure I want it to at this point.

Our relationship never stopped being that roller coaster. I'm ready to get off the ride and find one just as fun and exciting, but less bumpy and painful.  It will be a while before I try another, so here's hoping the park won't close before I get the chance.

Drunk text the ex

Okay, I can't believe I'm sharing this but I need to shame myself to stop drunk texting MDLL.  Here is what I wrote:

11/24, 04:17pm - "I love yousomuch! I wish you loved me enough to get shit done!"

11/24, 11:22pm - "I wasted. Wooould you like to snuggle?"

11/25, 12:51am - "I love you as a Matthew!"

11/25, 01:05am - "Home. Drunk. Missing you. Waked!"

11/25, 01:07am - "Come here?"

Sigh. I won't share his responses, but they were nice. Thankfully I was already passed out when he said he'd come over.

Slapsgiving Weekend!

Oh HIMYM...how I wish you'd fucking meet the mother already! GAH!!

My Thanksgiving weekend was excellent.  On Thursday I went to Rock and Row's for a lovely turkey and vodka feast, as well as some Dance Central with the X-Box Kinect. I'm tempted to ask Santa for one!

Friday Juniper and I went on a little boat cruise around downtown and the Statue of Liberty. It was the perfect weather for it, too!!  Afterwards we had a delicious meal at JJ's, my favorite sushi restaurant in Astoria. I'd say all of NYC, but I've rarely given other sushi places a chance!

Saturday was jammed pack:  brunch with Megkefel and Socks in Chelsea, dinner with Breen in Forest Hills, then drinks with Hugs, Stevie, and Jarv back in the AQ.  I drank for around 12 hours straight.  It was fun, but I was deee-runk.

Sunday I did nothing.  I needed the rest. The only time I left my couch was to go food shopping. I had a hankering for a turkey sandwich.  It's still so odd to me to eat sammies again, even though gluten-free bread has been a readily available option this whole time.  In fact, I've been eating more GF pastries in general - bagels, pies, a cupcake - every once in a while.  I try to stay away though because if I don't miss the carbs, why waste the calories?

Oh calories. I hate you. I've officially gained all of my weight back, which is obviously due to the binge drinking and face-stuffing.  I finally caved and bought some new pants that actually fit versus wearing the painfully small ones.  I'm disappointed with myself, but what else is new when it comes to my weight?? 

Good news, MDLL and I are still broken up. Bad news, any time I drink I contact him.  I saw him Thursday night then drunk called/texted the rest of the weekend.  Actually I was sober Sunday when I texted him only because I had no idea what I said to him on Saturday.  I might have to hide my phone for the next few weeks.

The days I'm sober, mainly Monday - Wednesday, I am sad. Super sad. I cried last night and I'm bumming today.  To break it down:

1. I do not not NOT want to get back together with MDLL.  I really don't.  He is not the person I want to settle down with.

2. I want to settle down with someone who is everything MDLL is, as well as proactive, driven, and ready for a serious relationship.  I'm worried I'll never meet him or will have to wait another 10+ years to fall in love again.

3. I absolutely postively miss having MDLL as my best friend. It sucks not being able to text him about the Giants game or tell him about my day or just hang out and do nothing.  Last night I was watching HIMYM and thought how nice it would have been to be snuggling with MDLL on my couch.  Then I realized, no, it would just be nice to be snuggling with the guy I'm in love with, not MDLL.  I think? Whatever. Basically it sucked laying there on my own.

4. Part of me thinks I should be really pissed off at MDLL for rejecting me because, if I'm honest with myself, that's exactly what he did.  I'm not angry though.  I don't want to be angry because it's not going to do me any good.  I feel like if I'm mad it will stall all of these other emotions I eventually need to go through anyway.

5. Juniper and I discussed how it's possible MDLL is in denial about this break-up.  He probably thinks this is the same situation as our other ones and I'll come running back in a few weeks.  I will not. This is SO incredibly different. Granted, drunk dialing/texting isn't convincing him otherwise, but I'll get there. One day.

UUUGGGGHHHHHUUUGGGHHHHUUUGGGHHH.....I hate this... 

Every Thanksgiving I am grateful for my friends. Hell, every day really!  This year though I am SUPER thankful I have so many wonderful and supportive buds helping me through this break-up. I love you all!

I love my boss.**

Via text message.  First some work stuff, then....

Iron: Sounds good! You ok? [Ed note: about MDLL]

Me:  Yes, thanks!! Totally getting pumped for Christmas.

Me:  Wait...that reads poorly. Ha ha! EXCITED for Christmas. LOL!

Iron:  Me too. I am hoping to do some decorating this weekend.

Iron:  Well maybe if you are lucky you will get pumped too! Hahahhahahaha.



**It only took ten years to happen!! YAY ME!

Night Eater

In funnier news, have I mentioned I grind my teeth in my sleep?  I swear it seems worse after I went back on Auntie D, which doesn't make any sense.  I should feel calmer!

I've been wearing a mouthguard for a while now.  I don't know why, but the last few weeks have become pretty interesting...

I keep having dreams I am eating, then I wake up chewing on the guard!!  One night I dreamt I had a mouth full of spaghetti.  Last night I dreamt MDLL left an "I'm-sorry-we-broke-up-let's-be-friends" burger on my dresser.  I don't know what the hell that means, but when I saw the burger I was like "Awwww...that's so nice."  I bit into the bun wondering if it was gluten-free, decided it wasn't and spit it out.

Now that I think about it, I've had food dreams ever since I went GF. Usually I'm eating something I shouldn't like bread, pasta, cookies, etc.  I guess the mouthguard has nothing to do with it, except now I end up chewing on it.

"I'm a Mog. Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend."

Stage Guilt

MDLL and I spoke last night as a sober follow-up to my drunken call on Sunday.  It went fine, although now I feel incredibly guilty.

I know, I know...there's nothing to feel guilty about it.  I did the best I could.  I just feel bad that it wasn't enough.

I told MDLL how I feared a lifetime of kicking-and-screaming battles with him.  Moving in together, getting married, having a kid, raising the kid.  I can't shake the idea he would have called off our wedding or worse, left me at the altar.  This is horrible.

There's nothing MDLL specifically did to warrant this notion.  He is a good, caring, sensitive man with a lot of love to give.  The problem with our relationship was the things he didn't or couldn't do, which is move forward not only with me, but in general.

It hurt him to hear this. It hurts me I wasn't able to help him with whatever he's going through.  But, that's the problem too.  This whole time I've assumed he's "going through" something.  What if he's not going through anything?  What if this has always been MDLL?  Was I trying to "save" someone who never needed to be saved?  It's all so confusing. 

I love love LOVE MDLL and I absolutely want the best for him.  I hate hurting him, I hate he hurt me, and I hate we had to break-up.  I hate how I wouldn't give up on him, yet I'm very proud I tried too.  It crossed my mind I Costanza-ed him into falling for me...

"I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating. Then you hear it a few times. You're humming it in the shower. By the third date, it's 'Buy Mennen!'"

...except it took him seven months to "Buy Thighs!"

Christ, why the fuck is this so hard??  Hanging out, having fun, and loving each other was SUPER easy, but once our baggage was out in the open it was stuck on the conveyor.

I must be in the denial stage too because I can't believe we're done.  I can't believe I'm single again.  I am not looking forward to going through this with someone else, which is exactly what MDLL must be feeling when he thinks of getting remarried.

I decided I am going to be boy-free for a while.  I need some breathing room. 

Just breathe.

Obviously not okay...

I'm fine, I'm not, I'm fine, I'm not. 

I made the mistake of being planless this weekend.  Thankfully Noon was free Friday night and Stevie, Hugs, and Jarv were around yesterday.  When I was by myself, I felt lonelier than I ever have before.  I cried a lot. Big soul cries. It felt good to let it out, except when I was crying on the subway and people were looking at me. Nothing to see here, folks.

MDLL has been on my mind and in my heart for the last two years.  It's weird not having him in either place now or at least not admitting to myself he's still there.  I feel him missing. It's like wearing a hat all day, then taking it off but still feeling like it's on. 

I got wasted with the girls last night and called him.  We spoke for 40 minutes and I have no recollection of what was said.  When I sobered up at 4am in the morning I screamed NOOOOOOO! once I remembered the call. I immediately texted him an apology.  I'm such an asshole.

Juniper said I shouldn't feel badly about it.  She's right, of course.  Plenty of people drunk call their exes. I just can't make it a habit.

I'm not sure I miss him.  I probably do, but again, just pretending I don't.  I do miss having someone to love and think about, though. 

**WARNING! Overly dramatic statement alert**

My life feels so empty now.

EEEEE-EEERRRR-EEEEEE-EEEERRRR (How do you write out a siren noise?)

Sorry, I have to be a drama queen for a second. 

EMPTY, MY LIFE IS EMPTY! I HATE YOU MDLL YOU ARE THE WORST I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOVED YOU. NOW I HAVE NOTHING AND YOU ARE A SHITHEAD AND YOU PROBABLY ALREADY GOT LAID THIS WEEKEND BECAUSE I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU GREW A BEARD AND OTHER WOMEN THINK YOU ARE HOT. THIS IS NOT HELPING ME FEEL BETTER BUT THE CAPS LOCK IS MAKING ME YELL IN MY HEAD AS I TYPE THIS AND IT IS FUN. MY UNCLE JOHN ALWAYS WRITES HIS FACEBOOK POSTS IN CAPS AND IT IS SO ANNOYING TO READ. I HOPE THIS IS NOT ANNOYING.  EXCEPT I DO HOPE IT'S ANNOYING BECAUSE FUCK YOU WORLD. LIFE SUCKS.

Ha. I'm giggling. You guys, I need help.  More help than weekly therapy and 100mgs of Zoloft, apparently.  I also really need to find my inner "I've had too much" flag because I drank and ate myself (ew) into oblivion three times in the past week. At least when I drank beer I'd get full. Now that I only really drink vodka, I don't have any reason to stop.  Oh, except for my life, liver, well-being, budget, calories, etc.  Look at that, I have plenty of reasons to stop. Yay!

STOP FUCKING GETTING SO DRUNK THAT YOU CALL YOUR EX. HE IS A DICKCUNT FOR BEING A USELESS YET SEXY AND COMFORTING LAZYBALLS. I'D LIKE TO PUNCH HIM IN HIS FACE AND I WANT VISITATION RIGHTS TO CRAZY ASS BECAUSE IT WAS MY BAR BEFORE IT BECAME HIS LIVING ROOM.

I'm so angry and hungover. This is stupid. This post is stupid. Actually I like writing it though. I don't really want to stop writing, but I should do some work. I don't want to though.  I'm only working today and tomorrow and it's super quiet at the office right now so I should just keep typing long run-on sentences and stop using a period to end them becasue why stop now and why are menstruation periods called periods anyways?  I used a question mark.

 

Why is a period called a period

wiki.answers.com › ... › Health › Women's Health › MenstruationCached

 

You +1'd this publicly. Undo

It's a shorter way of saying "menstrual period" as opposed to other kinds of periods, such as orbital periods, periods of time, etc.

Thanks, Google. I HATE MDLL. I WANT LOVE. I WANT A BOYFRIEND. I WANT TO HAVE A BABY.

Yes, I am baby crazy. I am so fucking scared to have one, though. 

I really hope I meet someone awesome. Please, Shizza???

Strangely okay...

Wednesday was a rough day, but a very fun night.  I hung out with friends from Crazy Ass at a bar near me and had a blast.  It was nice to hear their thoughts on my and MDLL's break-up. Basically the consensus is he's a moron for fucking this all up.  I agree to a point.

Yes, he's stupid for not getting a divorce and breaking my heart.  You know what, though?  I think he did me a favor.  The rose-colored love blinders are off.  I'm finally seeing our relationship clearly now.

We were absolutely in love and I am not going to take that away from us.  The thing is we were absolutely on the wrong page.  I knew this, but it never hit home with me.  For the first time in my adult life I was ready for a serious relationship.  For the first time in his adult life he was single and figuring out who he is after a failed marriage.  If I wanted a casual relationship with him, it would have been fine. In fact, it WAS fine, except when I brought up his divorce or our future.  Deep down, I knew something was wrong and I think MDLL did, too. 

One thing that always struck me as odd - it never looked right whenever I wrote my first name with his last as if we were married.  For a while I thought it meant I want to keep my maiden name and stay Thighs McGee. Now I can't help wonder if it actually meant I knew we shouldn't be together.  I know this sounds like a silly teenage girl way to decide if I've met The One, but I was so head over heels for the guy that you'd think I couldn't wait to take his name. It wasn't even something stupid like Weiner or Mannon either!!

After changing my perspective the past couple of days, I find myself strangely okay about this break-up. Confident even!! I don't think there is anything I could have done better with MDLL.  I gave it my absolute all and I am VERY proud.  After being single all of these years, I not only feared I was damaged goods who would never find love, but I also feared my emotional issues would hurt my relationships. I now know I am a respectful, kind, caring, and sensitive girlfriend who can have tough conversations without letting my ragesnake loose.  I had every right to lace into MDLL to get him to take action, but I knew fighting wouldn't fix us. Having grown up in a combative home, I want to do my best to ensure my family lives in a safe, loving, and empowering one.

I am wiser and more secure in my ability to find true love than I ever have been before. It's so exciting!!  I'm not ready to get back out there yet by any means, but I know someone fantastic is out there waiting for me.  And I can't wait to meet him.

Struggling

I'm really struggling this week.  Why do I always seem to break-up with MDLL right before my period?  It makes it so much worse.

I keep writing him emails and immediately deleting them.  There's nothing left to say at this point.  I can tell him I never want to speak to him again, but that's pretty immature and counter-intuitive.  I'm sure my silence speaks volumes.

It's only been a week since we broke up, five days since I last saw him, and three days since I hate-texted.  It feels like an eternity already, like I should be over him by now.  Why is love in dog years??

Tonight I'm hanging out with mutual friends on my side of town, nowhere near Crazy Ass.  Well, nowhere near it in lazy people geography. In reality it's only a mile away from him, but there is zero chance he will make the "trek".  I want to punch him in his stupid feet.  I don't know what that means...

Keepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusy

I'd get a dog if I wasn't going to be travelling for work soon. Did I mention LA client is a go?  Also, Iron is going to London for two weeks in December for another client.  She said she'd fly me out for a couple of days, so we can hang, but I doubt it will happen. OH SHIT. I think my passport expires soon. 

keepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusykeepbusy

Post Breakup Fun (PBF)!

Thanks so much for the kind words and support about the break-up.  Breakup or break-up? Whatever. Hopefully this will be the last one of my life!

I'm obviously a plethora of emotions right now.  I'm lonely, sad, embarrassed, scared, disappointed, proud, empowered, mad, the list goes on.  Thankfully Therapy Thursdays are back, plus my doctor recommended I double my anti-depressant dosage. I was hesitant, but I trust her.  She pointed out my drinking/eating binges and lack of motivation are key indicators I'm depressed again and have been for a while.  She's right, of course.  I haven't been well since June.

To help get over MDLL once and for all, I've decided to drown my sorrows in....


wait for it...


movies!!  It's a healthy and sober alternative to my preferred choices of escapism.  I'm banging through (heh) my Netflix queue and hitting the theater with a vengeance.  Some recent flicks and my highly insightful, long, drawn out reviews...

Theaters

Wreck-It Ralph -  SO FUN. I loved it. Great for thirty-somethings who remember the old video games.

Skyfall - Nothing special, but Javier Bardem was great.

Rope, a rereleased 1948 Hitchcock film -  Okay. Film students would appreciate how it was shot though.

Cloud Atlas, Lincoln, and The Birds this week!  (Look how fancy I'm being with the italics!)

Streaming

The Cabin in the Woods - EXCELLENT. I don't like scary movies anymore, but this is so much more than a scary movie.

9 to 5 - Very funny. Amazing how women in the workplace have come so far and yet haven't gotten anywhere. Dolly Parton rules.

Manhattan - I loved Woody Allen movies as a kid and it's fun to watch them again as an adult. Yes, he's out of his mind, but who isn't?  Also, I love seeing old NYC.

Heathers - Another fun flick from my youth. Who are the Winona Ryders and Christian Slaters of this generation?

Boogie Man: The Lee Atwater Story - I am so happy I'm into politics and current events now. So adult!  Rippie recommended this documentary about the RNC campaign manager in the Bush Sr. years. Fascinating and disturbing.

Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price - I can't believe Wal-Mart gets away with abusing their employees and ruining small communities.  I am so glad there aren't any in the city.

Timer - A fun and thoughtful sci-fi rom-com. A device implanted into your wrist tells you the exact date and time you will meet your soulmate.  I wasn't feeling the lead actress, but the concept is genius.

Dial M for Murder - I've always been a big Hitchcock fan and I'm having fun watching them all again. This movie is brilliant.

Under the Boardwalk: The Monopoly Story - No joke, there is a HUGE international Monopoly championship every few years.  This 19 year old kid from Norway won the last one. He's like model-y and stuff, right?

Lies, Love, and Now What

I have to be honest about something.  I lied to everyone - my family, friends, and Thighs readers - when I said MDLL processed his divorce back in June.  He met with his ex and filled everything out, then she was supposed to review it with another lawyer friend and submit it to the courthouse. She never did.

I lied to get everyone off my back. I'm not happy about it, but I didn't know how to separate my feelings from everyone else's judgments.  He promised me it wouldn't be long, so I thought a temporary lie to get some breathing room would be okay.  Obviously it didn't work out that way and as a result we broke up last week.

My parents will be crushed if they ever find out I lied. So why post about it?  To come clean to everyone else I guess, including myself.  I might tell them at some point, but I don't know what the value would be other than to clear my conscience.

So what happened?  It was around mid-September when I finally realized I was not okay with his bullshit.  He was planning our vacation and I said something along the lines of, "Please stop relying on your unreliable ex and get this shit done before we go away." He promised me it would be finished, so we could enjoy ourselves. Six weeks later, it wasn't done.

It was at Socks' wedding when I realized MDLL and I were never going to get married.  I was devastated. I AM devastated.  He loves and cares about me, but not enough to move forward or, at the very least, end the past.  I realize now if a guy wants something, he goes for it.  If he drags his feet, he doesn't really want it.  Thank you, Captain Obvious.

The day after the wedding we had a very hard discussion with a semi-break up.  The next day he pinched a nerve in his back and couldn't move, so I took care of him.  My stress seems to manifest itself physically in my gut, like I can't digest what I'm hearing.  His stress manifests itself into back pain, probably because he doesn't have a strong enough spine.  Ooooo...I didn't even know I was going to write that. How mean.

His mom and her boyfriend arrived two days later.  I hung out with them everyday like nothing was wrong.  I really did have a great time with her and was saddened I'll probably never see her again. Whenever his mom wasn't around, MDLL and I would cry and hug each other.  He finally told her we were breaking up on her last day. She said that's a shame because she never saw him this happy before and basically called him an asshole for fucking it all up.  He is one.

That day I also told my parents a variation of the truth.  As you well know (although you're probably not sure now), I HATE LIARS.  I hate passive-aggressive people. I hate beating around the bush.  I realize now the reason why I've been eating and drinking myself into oblivion since July is because I hate keeping secrets. I pride myself on being honest to a fault and I wasn't being true to myself or to the people closest to me.  I needed the space though. It was the only way I would see what was happening without the noise around me. 

I told my parents he submitted in it in June and had to wait 90 days before it processed. Once it was in for processing, the courthouse said something was wrong and it wasn't submitted, which meant we only found out the end of September.  Lies on top of lies.

The joke is, his ex FINALLY went to the courthouse on Friday the 19th, two days before we left for Puerto Rico.  There were two ways she could have submitted the information and for some reason she didn't take it upon herself to figure it out.  She called MDLL to do it instead.  The blind leading the fucking lazy with those two.

My parents were super upset and didn't want me to go to PR with him. My mom thought we'd be fighting the whole time and I'd be unsafe.  I always say MDLL and I don't fight, but we do, it's just not the type of fighting I grew up with.  MDLL and I were very good arguers by always being respectful and carefully choosing our words.  He and I both have a form of relationship PTSD since his ex was a rage-aholic like my mother.  When I told MDLL my mother's worries, he called my parents and assured them not only would we be safe, but he would file his divorce as soon as we got back.

You probably won't believe anything I say now, and I don't blame you, but Puerto Rico really was a nice time.  We put our heads in the warm sand, ignored our problems, and enjoyed each other.  We knew reality and a break-up was waiting for us when we got back, so we made the most of our trip.  Here are the pictures, if you're interested.  As my mom put it, you can see how happy we are together and how much love he has for me in his eyes.  It's a shame the kid is too paralyzed to do anything about it.

We got back from Puerto Rico on Friday the 26th, right before Sandy hit. I'll write about the storm another time. Luckily my neighborhood was fine.  MDLL's office was closed the whole week and he spent it at Crazy Ass rather than file his divorce.  I was LIVID.  We argued, he said he would take care of it the following week.  We went to the Steelers/Giants game, which I jokingly and ironically called The Break-Up Bowl.  Two days later we broke up.  This past Friday I got all of my shit from his apartment.  Yesterday I got bombed and sent a few hate-texts.  Today I'm okay.

So there you have it.  I'm sorry I lied.  I'm sorry I didn't know what else to do.  I'm not sorry I tried so hard with MDLL.  Thanks to him I now know I am an awesome girlfriend capable of loving and being loved.  I know I want a solid relationship with a man who is everything MDLL is plus proactive, interested in doing things other than drinking, and who makes the effort to keep me happy.  Oh and NOT MARRIED or shell-shocked from a previous relationship.

I don't know what's next for me, though.  I am very upset, but it's manageable as long as I don't think about the future I hoped we would have or the future I fear, ie continuing my track record of being a female version of Good Luck, Chuck. If MDLL marries the next girl he dates I might pursue being a Buddhist monk afterall.

Of course my other track record indicates I will most likely go back to MDLL within a couple of weeks.  Every time we've broken up I've said "This is different." or "Never again."  I'm not going to say any of that this time. Instead I'll repeat what my doctor said on Friday, "A challenging relationship will always be challenging."  Amen, sister. 

It has finally come to the point where I want to change MDLL.  I also want HIM to want to change. This is a recipe for further disaster. People never change. Our relationship will never change even if he does get a divorce.  I will be pulling him kicking and screaming the whole way and you know what? It just doesn't seem to be worth the effort anymore.  So sad.

VACATION!

Man, this year fucking rules!!  NOLA,  Florida, Vegas, Atlantic City, Puerto Rico, and the sexiest of all, Rochester.  WOOT!

MDLL and I leave on Sunday!! YAAAAAYYYY!!  I'm so stoked!

Last night I met his mom and her boyfriend for the first time.  It went really well!  I'm waiting to see if we're having dinner again tonight.  They like me!

CONGRATULATIONS SOCKS AND DAVE!  Their wedding was super fun and super loving and I am SUPER happy for them.  Socks, you looked GAWGEOUS!

I didn't spend too much time at comic-con this year.  I just wasn't feeling it for some reason.  It's funny, I have acquaintances from around the world who it's always nice to see, but I actually love spending time with the NYC I rarely hang out with now.  Damn busy people!

I'm super nerd-cited about work right now.  Iron got a client who is looking for a supply chain system, which is totally my thang.  I'm also working with Stevie's firm on a project, too!!  I'm so looking forward to helping out!  Rem is leaving my current client, the one I've been at since I started, so I'm pretty bummed.  Another work-husband divorce. Boooo.  Now I DEFINITELY want to move on!!

What else what else what else...I don't know.  I read through a PR travel guide, but seriously I could give two shits about doing anything other than banging MDLL and drinking rum.

Oh, speaking of shits, apparently I ate or drank something my tummy didn't agree with.  For the past week my farts and dumps smell like something died in something dead's rotting carcass.  No bueno.

Interestingly enough, I always seem to have tummy issues before I go away.  I think it's my subconscious reminding me to be careful on vacation.  No gluten and no tap water for me!

Adios, amigos!

Three!

I lost three more pounds this morning. Yay!  Of course once I moved my scale and tried again, I was back up to 178.  Why didn't I just stop while I was ahead?  I should get a digital one...

I can't be bothered with work today. Too many exciting things on the horizon!  I'm seeing Iron tomorrow night for the first time since June.  Saturday is New York Comic-Con. Sunday is wedding time.  I just found out Janeypants will be in town, so I'll hopefully see her Monday or Tuesday.  I'm free the rest of the week until Friday WHEN MDLL'S MOM COMES TO VISIT. Gaaaahhhh!!  I know I'm going to freak out the whole time. I'm good with parents, but this is different.  This might be a mother-in-law one day. Weird.  Two days later we're off to Puerto Rico!! WOOT!

The days I'm home being a hermit will be filled with my Netflix queue. I have 100 movies and TV shows waiting to be watched.  It is my fall/winter project.  I finally got around to watching Firefly (which I own) then Serenity.  Excellent show and movie.  It's a shame it got cancelled - said everyone in 2003.  I'm always behind the times...

Is it 5:30pm yet?

The Other Dress

Five more days until Socks' wedding!! WOO HOOOOO!!  So excited!!

Since I've failed to lose the 5-8 pounds I was hoping to shed to wear The Dress, I have decided to wear The Other Dress.  It's the too-much-backfat-for-a-strapless-dress dress.  I've already worn it to a few other weddings, so while I am a little bored with it, it's comfy and cute.

That being said, the shopper in me might go out looking for another dress because a) I love spending money and b) I love the challenge of finding an outfit last minute.  I'm pretty sure I found The Other Dress the day before Megkefel's wedding.  It was crumpled up underneath a sales rack at Macy's.  I sure got my $50 worth!

I'm bummed I didn't lose enough weight, but I'll get over it.  After all of these years, I have finally admitted to myself I am not goal-oriented.  I used to fill journals with calculations of, "If I lose 2 pounds a week for the next 15 weeks, I will look great for the first day of school."  It never worked.  I'm too rebellious to be goal-oriented.

The truth is, it's not my fault I can't fit into The Dress.  I blame Socks* for not getting married last year when I was afraid to eat!  Damn you!




*No I don't.  Ha! SO EXCITED!

Nice Furball

I saved these IMs from Furball.  I have no idea when he wrote them.

Don't tell anyone he was nice. He doesn't like anyone to know...

Maybe Spring 2010?:

Furball: see, i think you should totally write something, not in the comic book vein, but take the voice you use on your blog and create a character around it. You have a great ability to form a consistent voice when writing, and if you built a narrative around it, whether it's autobiographical or not, I think it would make for a great read
I know you're all into the drawing and stuff, but I think writing is where it's at for you
Sent at 10:26 AM on Thursday

Furball:  see, I think if you wrote a novel around your character's (whether it's you or not) adventures in the city as the anti-glamour single woman in NYC in the style and voice you use on your blog, you'd have a good chance at getting interest in it
hell, even Joe freaking Q told you that you were a good writer
Sent at 10:28 AM on Thursday

me: Aw! Sorry I was in the bathroom...leg fell asleep. LOL! I think this is the nicest thing you ever wrote to me. Thanks!
 

Maybe 2011?:

Furball: couple of things I got from the training, one about you and one about Company
first of all, we had this big discussion about Business Analysts and their value to projects (as opposed to Solution Architects and Developers)
and how 1. BAs are crucial to projects and that projects often fail because of bad or incomplete BA work, and that the good places recognize this and compensate BAs accordingly
2. That good BAs are essentially Power Information Workers, meaning that they're Super Users in whatever systems they're good at, so that they can communicate with the techie and business folks
made me think of you, because you've been put in that position several times, but not at all compensated for it. One consultant said his company pays BAs almost at the same rate as Solution Architects (which is what I sort of am)
I say this BECAUSE I think you already have the skillset to be a good BA, especially in Oracle, but probably in anything, if that's what you want to do
and hearing other people in the industry say these things confirmed it
long story short, I'm trying to kick your ass to get out of what you're doing and do something where you can use your skills an be appreciated/compensated
Sent at 9:50 AM on Wednesday

Furball: the end

me: Awww...thanks Furbie!! I really appreciate you saying that.

Furball is typing...

Good lord, woman.

I dyed my hair again last night because the first color was a little dull for me.  This time I went for a dark burgundy.  It's got the old-lady-purple halo around it.  OOPS.

Despite the non-natural look, I do like it.  I'll like it more once it fades over the next couple of days.  I haven't had some fun with my hair in a long time, so I'm enjoying the change.

Apparently I am in an adventurous mood this week.  Adventurous and stupid?  What did I do?

I made a porno with MDLL.  AAAAAHHHHH!!! 

First off, I WILL NOT BE SHARING THEM (yes, there are multiple videos).  Second, neither of us have any idea who came up with the idea, but let's be honest, it was probably me.  Third, I made him delete the ones with our faces and identifying marks.  Fourth, I had some pictures of him on my phone but I immediately deleted them because THEY MADE ME BLUSH.  Last, since all of the videos were on his phone, I made him send me one.  I watched it last night and HOLY GOD it is a combination of hot, trashy, and dumbfounding, as in, "Did I really do this?" and "Is that really me?".

I'm shaking my head as I write this...good lord, woman.

Sugar High

I read three articles on sugar.  Now the word looks really weird.  Sugar.  Shuuuuuggeeeerrrr.

My online food diary says my daily sugar goal is 29 grams.  I love fruit, so I'm repeatedly blowing past this number every day.

It turns out I'm fine.  The problem comes in with the amount of added, unnaturally occuring sugar.

Did you know the recommended amount of sugar for a woman is only 20 grams a day?  Five teaspoons. That's it. 

To put this in perspective, here's the total sugar for one serving of my vices:

Peppermint Pattie = 25 grams
Peanut M&Ms = 25 grams
Milk Chocolate M&Ms = 31 grams
Magner's = 11 grams
Woodchuck Crisp Cider (my new favorite) = 9 grams

Perspective for some general ones:

One packet of Starbucks Brown Sugar = 12 grams
A can of Coke = 39 grams
A can of Red Bull = 27 grams
A 20 oz bottle of Mountain Dew = 77 GRAMS!

CRAZY.

Re-Re-Ro

I just found out Rem is a Republican and voting for Romney.

Why is accepting this so hard???

Instead of saying why I'm voting Obama, I decided to write him an email sharing my beliefs.

I believe we should:

- help those who can't help themselves. No American should starve because they can't afford food or be homeless.

- have universal healthcare and offer free wellness programs

- spend more money on education to allow kids to go to school who otherwise can't afford it and to give teachers and schools the resources (books, materials, computers etc) to do well

- give veterans unlimited resources to get back on their feet after serving, including free therapy sessions to help them adjust to becoming a civilian

- allow women should have the right to choose to have an abortion

- allow gay men and women the right to marry and adopt

- educate the masses on religion, race, and culture

- change the tax brackets on all personal taxes to fit the federal income tax model (ie raise capital gains tax to 35%) to start

- take environmental issues more seriously and do what we can to address climate change and reduce our carbon footprint

- use tax payers money to strengthen infrastructure - roads, buildings, bridges, create more mass transit

- reduce the deficit by cutting spending and raising taxes for the time being

- legalize and tax marijuana, although I understand concerns you can't tell when someone is stoned while driving

- legalize and tax prostitution with mandatory HIV/STD tests

- continue to support Israel, although I'm not sure what I think about going to war with Iran yet

- withdraw from Afghanistan

- cut military and defense spending

- stop using 9/11 and other terrorist acts as an excuse to take away civil liberties

- immigration is the biggest gray area for me. I don't think people should be here illegally, but I do think if a child is born here of illegal parents, the child should be a citizen. It's not their fault. It's also not an immigrants fault if they were brought here by a corporation.

- educate all Americans on how to eat right and exercise, and ensure communities have access to affordable and organic fruits and vegetables

- not give tax breaks and incentives to the beef or corn industry as it is contributing to our health problems

- gun control needs to be tighter - raise the tax and price, mandatory psychiatric evaluation, limits on the amount of firearms per household

OCDmail

Did I ever share my OCDness when it comes to email?

I absolutely hate having emails sitting in my inbox. If I read it and don't need it, delete. If I read it and need it, ie a work email to reference in the future or a personal email with a ticket or confirmation number attached, I immediately file it.

For my personal email, it has come to the point where I can't wait to use the ticket/confirmation just so I can delete the email when it's over.

I AM NUTS.

Octoberlovefest!

October is going to be the greatest month of all time.  I can feel it!!

Yesterday and today I worked from home. MY WORD is WingFH the greatest thing ever. I can't wait to have a non-local client, so I can do this more often.  Of course, then there will be a lot of travelling too...we shall see!

Last night MDLL and I went to see Jay-Z at the new Barclays Center.  AMAZING show, gorgeous arena.  I'm so happy for Brooklyn.  It's funny, I only lived there until I was 8, but I really do feel like Brooklyn is in my blood.  Bay Ridge especially of course.  I don't have any desire to move back there because the rents are outrageous and the commute to the city isn't as convenient as Western Queens, but it will always have a special place in my heart.

DUDE. I just took a sip of fresh kombucha, an organic and raw tea of some sort. It tastes like vinegar. BLECH.

I'm looking forward to chillin' out this week.  The only plans I have are to watch the debates tomorrow night, therapy on Thursday, a massage/facial on Friday, and then a 5K in Coney Island on Saturday morning.  I haven't run in a month, so this should be interesting!

My energy levels are super low lately.  It seems to be a combination of the weight gain and allergies.  My thyroid levels were low too, but I didn't want to up my dosage until I made an effort to lose some weight.  It's not going too well.

Truthfully I'm really bummed out about gaining weight although not enough to cut back as much as I need. I'm staying in my calorie range for the most part during the week, except when I have alcohol.  Weekends are a free for all.  I was hoping to wear The Dress to Socks' is wedding in two weeks. It fits, but is a little snug.  If I can lose five pounds I should be golden.  I did a workout video today and ate well yessterday, except for a Long Island Iced Tea which I really didn't need to drink. 

MDLL gained weight this summer, too. Typical for couples I guess.  Must break the habit...after Puerto Rico!!

My eyes were glued...

not to the TV or a movie.  Literally glued.

Last night I fixed a picture that was bonded to one of those box wall frames.  I used Krazy Glue and some of it got on the frame itself, so I casually wiped it off with my finger.

About 10 minutes later I rinsed my hands without scrubbing, forgetting about the glue, then proceeded to take my contacts out.  I realized half way through removing them from my right eye, freaked, and yanked.

I now have a dry patch on my eye, while typical after wearing my contacts all day seems to be due to the glue and/or the yankage. (Heh.)  I rinsed my eye out a lot last night, put some drops in, and am now surfing the web to find funny shit to make me laugh-cry with the hope my salty tears will help.

Of course some websites say IMMEDIATE DEATH AND BLINDNESS.  Others say there's no harm (really?) and the glue will clear with time.  It must have been pretty dry by the time I took my contact out, so I'm guessing/hoping the irritation is mostly the yankage.

Yet another blonde moment, even though I'm currently a ginger. Remember this?

I AM SO SORRY BODY.

Good afternoon, boys and girls!!

What a glorious day!  I'm digging the fall thus far and it's only going to get better!

I am already super duper psyched for the holidays.  Methinks I'll be Florence Welch from the video Dog Days Are Over for Halloween, as long as I can find a kimono that's close enough to this one:

And now that I'm a redhead I can easily rock this look!!

This past week was fantastical.  I had dinner with the girls Saturday, spent the day with the Bear family on Sunday, managed to randomly score tickets for Sarah Silverman and Reggie Watts show Monday, and watched the Mets win against the Pirates last night as well as David Wright breaking the team's all-time career hits record.

On Saturday Slow Jams and I are going to the survival course in Central Park, then I'm pretty sure my parents are staying over that night for a date in the city.  Tomorrow is their 38th wedding anniversary!! Crazy bastards.  I'm not sure what their plan is for Sunday, although I will be watching the Giants game at 8pm.  Yay football!  Oh and Monday night is Jay-Z!!  Yay fun!!

MDLL and I discussed personal and long-term goals the other night.  The days his mute characterness are thankfully over.  We have such an honest and open communication now that it's... gosh I don't know even know what it is.  I feel really lucky and loved.

I decided to make a new list of goals:

1.  Continue to pay off debt

2.  Move in with MDLL to a spacious 2-3 bedroom apartment with a big living room and lots of light, with a safe stove that doesn't share a wall with a living room or bedroom, each bedroom having a fire escape attached.  The apartment must be clean, bug and mice free and it would be great to find a place with a backyard big enough for MDLL to grill and me to garden.  Nice neighbors, good 'hood (preferably still in Astoria), on a tree lined street near the trains and a good school.  All for less than $1800 a month.

3.  Marry MDLL

4.  Have one or two children.  Or one kid and maybe adopt.

5.  Travel to Hawaii, Tibet, and finish my baseball tour (11 parks left!).

6.  Be healthy and fit.

7.  Practice yoga and mediation on a regular basis.

8.  Read more books!!

9.  Have a plentiful savings and IRA, so that we can afford to enjoy our retirement and take care of our parents and children.

10.  Breakthrough my creative obstacles by paintin, drawing, coloring, or writing something at least once a day.

Yay goals!!  Now to figure out when to complete them all!

AAAHHH!!! Vacation!!

I told MDLL a few months ago that I'd like him to plan a vacation for us since I always plan our dates. Well he finally spilled the beans...

Sunday, October 21st through Friday, October 26th...

wait for it...

WE'RE GOING TO PUERTO RICO!!  AAAHHHHHH!!

I feel like I just won a contest or something!  A love contest!  SO GAY!

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!

San Juan, here we come!

Thingamajigs

Whaddup fools??

It's another beautiful Monday morning in the 212 (and the 718, 646, 917, 347...).  My boss Miron suggested I get a landline soon, especially if we get the LA client.  Conference calls and cellphones don't mix.  I have no idea how to go about even getting one!  I guess through Time Warner Cable?  Blech.

Things with me are allllriiight.  I went to therapy Wednesday.  Despite my efforts to be positive, I can't seem to shake my anger and resentment issues.  The post-funeral blow out was a perfectly timed rock bottom moment for me.  Without going into detail, I had every right to lash out in my drunken stupor, but the fact I did lash out is what hurts the most.  If I am going to be a good wife, mother, and person, I need to get the ragesnake under control.

I've also gotten my eating and drinking under control, too!  I lost 3-4 pounds this past week, depending on my comparison days.  And I only got drunk on Saturday!  Granted I had 800 calories of alcohol, but it's a start!  GET THIS...I also only had ONE TACO in a sitting.  ONE!  I'm already feeling better.

The weight loss is probably also due to the colonic I got Thursday.  I figured if I'm trying to deshit my life, I might as well do it in the most literal sense.

WELL, colonics are fucking awesome.  I've been asked to explain the experience in some detail, so if you don't want to read about it skip down to the *****.

I went to Love Your Transformation based on Rockstar's recommendation.  I was naked from the waist down with a little blanket over me.  The woman sat by my bum and inserted a metal thingie that kind of looks like a hose spray gun.  It wasn't that uncomfortable, probably because I am a good pooper.  I would make an anal sex joke here, but I actually haven't done that in years.

The water went through my system at a slow, calm pace.  The woman stays down there and jiggles the tubing to help the excretion.  She also monitors the poopage.  Apparently I am a natural!

The only time I felt awkward was when the water passed through a couple of gas pockets and I thought I was going to shit all over her face.  She assured me I was not going to One Girl No Cup her. 

When it was over I was energized, lighter, and my sinuses were cleared!  I asked her if this was possible and she said yes because it's all inflammation. Or I'm just a shithead.  Either way, I felt fantastic. I was a little nervous about taking the subway home, so I made a preemptive pitstop at Macy's before going underground. THANK SHIZZA. Poor toilet didn't know what hit it.

My intestines felt so good and clean until I started eating again.  I highly recommend doing this for your well-being!

*****

SO MUCH POOP!  Just kidding, you are in a colonic free zone now.

I'm looking forward to this week.  I got dinner and drink plans Tuesday - Thursday and Saturday.  Sunday I'm meeting up with the Bear Family at the Natural History museum.  I haven't been in forever and I can't can't can't wait to see Evan's face at the dinosaur exhibit.

Also...I'm a redhead again!!  Well, like reddish brown.  I like it!  I tried taking a picture, but I just ain't photogenic.  Here's a cool pic of my eye though!  My hair is a lot darker and redder in person.

Well, that's all I got. Happy Monday!

Saturday's Horoscope

I like it!

Pisces

Saturday, September 15th 2012
 
You can be profoundly affected by the actions of others. Recent events can send you on a path of inner exploration and lead you on a journey of self-discovery. However, before you get there, it’s normal to experience anxiety and upheaval. Sometimes it’s difficult to believe everything happens for a reason, but there will be a silver lining — there always is!

Sick!

Gosh, when was the last time I was sick??  While I feel like shit today, I am so incredibly thankful I've been healthy all year.  In hindsight, all of the colds, flus, exhaustion, and tummy issues I've had my whole life must have been due to gluten weakening my immune system.  I'd get sick at least once a month! 

Yesterday my chest felt congested and I was weak.  Today I'm working from home because my back is super sore and I'm tired.  Very tired.  It makes sense. I'm stressed out, I partied too much, and I'm depressed.  Also, today is September 11th, which is always a rough time of year.  I'm glad I'm home.

I haven't heard back from Cee yet.  Fingers crossed I get an appointment today!

A Fucked Up Family Funeral revised

The joke, "What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk." sums up my family perfectly. The first time I went to a wake for a non-relative, my mom warned me that funerals are sad, solemn occasions. I had no idea because funerals on both sides of my family sound like a party.

It was so incredibly great to see everyone. I gotta hand it to death - it sure knows how to bring the living together.

After the funeral we went to a dive bar called Moroney's. Naturally. We were all drinking, dancing, laughing, having a blast. My cousin Timmy and I always had a nice connection, so we were buying each other non-stop shots. Then, predictably, all hell broke loose...

******************************************************************************

If you check my blog every day (thank you!), you would have read the details to hell breaking loose.  My brother read it and asked me to take it down.  I listened.

Without going into details, it was a really bad night.  At this point there are two things upsetting me most:

1.  My ragesnake made an appearance. 

2.  I've been drunk almost every day since Tuesday.

My body is beat up.  My mind is beat up.  Everything is beat up.  I called Cee to get an appointment, but I haven't heard back yet.  I actually ran into her Thursday night while MDLL and I were on our way to our TWO YEAR MEETIVERSARY dinner.  (Excited much?)  I took it as a sign I really do need therapy right now.

2012 has been the best year of my entire life.  Sincerely. I've felt good, got the guy, had tons of fun and am HAPPY.

I'm not happy right now though. I'm not happy with my weight gain or the fact I can't fit into any of my clothes.  I'm not happy I've been drinking until I black/brown out.  I'm not happy my fingers are bloody stumps.  I am EXTREMELY unhappy with what down after the funeral. 

Today's a new day though.  I'm forcing myself to smile and be positive.  This past week was the roughest one in a long time.  I will explore what happened, learn from it, and move on. 

Brooklyn Botanic Gardens

Back in July, Juniper and I had a little Brooklyn adventure.  One stop was the botanic gardens.

I finally got around to uploading the photos.  They came out so much better than I thought!

Here's a purty one:

Among the uninsured

I've read quite a few articles and comments where Republicans and Conservatives say Democrats and Liberals don't want to work for anything and expect the government to foot their bills.

Let me tell you something.

I babysat as a kid.  My first paying job where I needed working papers was a camp counselor at age 14 or 15.  From then until college graduation I worked at the following places:

a pharmacy
a perfume and make-up outlet
a candy store
a clothing store
a mall salon/high-end product retailer
a steel company doing data entry
a prominent medical school screening candidates for healthcare trials
a mental health facility accompanying patients on field trips
a day care center

After graduation I spent the next ten years in Publishing, during which I had a part-time job at Barnes and Noble for about six months so that I can afford my rent. I've now been a consultant at Biz for a year and a half.  While there were definite breaks in between jobs because of school, I've been working for 20 years.

I went to the dentist at 3pm for my toothache.  The good news is nothing was wrong.  He thinks it may be a combination of allergies and my teeth grinding, even though I wear a mouthguard most nights. The bad news is, as I wrote earlier, I no longer have dental working for a small company. 

I was blessed with great medical, dental, and vision coverage in Publishing.  The industry doesn't pay well, but I've always thought they made it up with their insurance package.  Today was the first time in my life I had to say, "I don't have insurance."

You know what?  It was deflating, embarassing, and infuriating.   Why?  I've been a contributing member of society for most my life.  Why shouldn't I have affordable health coverage and care?

This is where I see the difference between the right and left.  The right seem to claim the left feels "entitled" to healthcare.  I don't feel "entitled" to it.  This isn't about MEMEME. I feel EVERYONE should have healthcare coverage.  There's nothing "entitled" about it.

Fortunately, I'm able to afford the $80 worth of x-rays.  I cannot fucking imagine what someone who CAN'T afford their medical bills must think.  Imagine choosing death because you can't afford medicine or treatment?  What about hard working parents with two or three jobs that need to scrape by in order to get their kid antibiotics? 

And I'll say it...what about a woman who gives birth because she can't afford birth control or an abortion?  Do you really think she'll be able to afford pre and post-natal care?  Sure, one could say it's her problem for being irresponsible. I disagree.  It's irresponsible of someone who has the means to prevent getting pregnant, not someone who is poor or uneducated.  SEX IS FREE, PEOPLE.  If you're poor and uneducated, rich with ten degrees or somewhere in between, EVERYONE FUCKS.

I want to read the Affordable Care Act.  Here's where all politicians suck, including Obama...it's friggin 2400 pages long!! Granted it's written double spaced with a big font and margins, but sheesh! If you want the layman to be informed, try a less intimidating language and page count.

There's my political rant for today.  Remember when this blog was fun?  I miss writing about boiling denim and banging whores.

Update, Toothache

My dad is okay.  It looks like the funeral won't be until next Tuesday so his brothers and sister have time to get to NY.  I'm sure I'll have some fun stories.  When my grandfather died, everyone got wasted, Adam tried to throw himself on the casket almost knocking it down, and someone pissed Eddie off enough to make him leave and fly home halfway through the wake.

I'm okay for the most part.  Yesterday was weird.  I forgot to mention I had really bad stomach pains, too.  I went to bed around 10pm Monday night, then woke up around 11:30pm to what felt like glass going through my intestines.  I started logging calories again, so I definitely didn't eat something weird.  It might have been the Tostitos cheese salsa MDLL and I devoured the night before. Dumb. Oh and I also woke up with a toothache. 

I'd probably be depressed about all of this if it wasn't so friggin' comical!!  Death in the family, tooth pain, glass-ass...best to just laugh it off. My tooth is killing me again today, so I'm working from home with the hopes I can see the dentist.  Unfortunately I no longer have dental insurance under the Biz health plan. Blerg.

Enough of the poop, let's talk positive.  MDLL is the best boyfriend ever.  Yesterday he consoled me at lunch (we work a few blocks away from each other), then took me out to dinner.  I am amazed at how much he cares about me.  All I can think is, "WOW. Love. Nicely done!"

I had an interesting couple of weeks at the office.  The head of the department I'm consulting in was on leave for a while.  She came back with a bit of a vengeance making some rude comments to me and others. I figured she was gunning to get me out, which was fine.  I'm sick of that place anyways.  Fingers crossed for new clients!!

Well, as if my life wasn't manic enough, on Monday she offered me a full-time job at the firm. Wha-wha-wha???  It turns out she was just being bitchy and appreciates all of my hard work.  WEIRD.  I declined because consulting is the best fit for me.  I can work autonomously and bouncing around from client to client helps my job-ADHD.  I get SO BORED if I work anywhere too long. 

Of course I am passing up good health insurance and a 401K, though.  I might have to go back to a 9-5 gig one day, but right now I just can't be bothered.

Ahhh...the fun begins.  My mom just called bitching how my aunt and uncles haven't done shit for Mary, keep moving the funeral date, and some other stuff.  Maybe I should wear a helmet next week.