Low Love Rider

As predicted, the low came after last week's amazing high.  Self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. Probably. I don't know.

I'm nearing the end of it, which is a relief.  I should get my pdiddy today, so that will help. I BETTER GET IT. Gah!

The past few days I had a glimpse into mine and MDLL's future.  We have such a loving, affectionate, open, honest, and comfortable relationship.  We worked hard to get here and I'm so incredibly glad we did.

There's one thing I knew before MDLL, but never really saw in action though. Boys are stupid.  WHY YOU SO DUMB BOY??

Saturday was an awesome (yet emotional) day for me.  It started with a trip to the Brooklyn Botanic (I always thought it was Botanical) Gardens and Coney Island with Juniper.  Then I met up with Rocks, Rower and Slow Jams for the tail end of a Shakesbeer pub crawl where actors do a quick scene in each bar.  Then Rocks and Rower came with me to Crazy Ass for a bit to hang with MDLL.  Then I took MDLL to the emergency room.

A little less than a year ago, MDLL slipped in his bathroom when he was bombed, twisted his ankle, and fractured his leg.  I argued with him for almost two hours before he finally let me take him to the hospital.  Yes, I'm a doctor Nazi (thanks mom!). You would think MDLL accepts this by now, but no.

Saturday night we were watching TV when he went to the kitchen to get a drink.  I heard glass break and him say, "Oh shit."  I called out, "Everything okay?" He said, "Nope."  I got up thinking it was a simple mess. I wish.  Blood was EVERYWHERE.  He sliced his foot open and it would not stop bleeding. I've never seen that much blood in my life.  I was worried he was going to pass out, so I said let's get a car and get you to the hospital. You know what he did?  He fought me on it by saying - wait for it - he'd sew the two inch gash on his foot himself. BOYS = DUMB.

A few years ago he had a party at his apartment, slipped on some ice, hit his chin on the kitchen counter, and split it open.  In his drunken glory, he decided to stitch it himself with some floss and a sewing needle.  In all honesty, he did a really good job and part of me is slightly turned on by his Ramboness.  That being said, he is not pulling that shit when I'm around.  You have insurance, then use it.

After 20 minutes of arguing - wait, is it arguing if you don't yell?  We weren't yelling at each other, he was just being thick while I was being stern.  When I finally got him to the door, he said, "Thighs, I can do it myself."  I silently stared him down. Apparently my eyes said it all because he didn't complain once we left his building.  In fact, three hours and eight stitches later he kept telling me how much he loved me, how happy he is being with me, and how thankful he is I'm here for him.

NERD ALERT - I heard the ER clerk ask him if Thighs McGee was still his emergency contact.  I smiled and teared up.  He looked at me and said, "Yes she is." MELT.

After that long emotional day, I spent Sunday by myself to recuperate and rest.  MDLL took off Monday so he can give his foot time to heal, which apparently meant go to Crazy Ass for some day drinking even though he's on antibiotics.  Dumb thing 1.  Later that night I made jambalaya and he doused it with gourmet uber hot hot sauce I bought him for his birthday.  I told him to only use a little, but he ignored me. Dumb thing 2. Seconds after eating it he broke into a sweat and got the hiccups. Dumb thing 3 is he KEPT eating it, which resulted in him having to take off again Tuesday because of stomach issues.  Sigh.  I came back over last night to make him a healthy, non-spicy, tummy friendly dinner and take care of him.  He was incredibly thankful and appreciative, but again WHY ARE BOYS SO DUMB?

So having spent the better part of the last four days with MDLL, I had a glimpse into our future.  Some thoughts:

1. I love falling asleep and waking up with him.

2. I love cooking with and for him.

3. I love I can go home if I want to, which means I am NOT ready to cohabitate.

4. I now understand how easy it is to become a bossy and naggy girlfriend.  I never thought I'd be one, but here we are.  I felt he was acting dumb, so I told him how he should be acting.  In my mind it seemed obvious - If you get hurt, go to the doctor. If you're on medication, don't drink, and go easy on your stomach.  But that's just it.  It's in MY mind, not his.  Sure later he said I was right about everything, but in the moment he felt I was being pushy.  I guess it's a fine line...

5. which means I need to keep my mouth shut about wanting him to be healthier and get some hobbies. For now anyways. Everyone teases me about my Groupon addiction, but I'm making up for time I lost last year. I'm also at the point in my life where I don't want to drink every day because it's counter intuitive to all of the work I've been doing to better myself. Unnecessary calories and spending aside, I don't want every new memory taking place in a bar. It's true the company matters more than the setting, but I'd much rather have a shared experience rather than a shared drink.

6. I also understand how easy it is to become a hermit couple.  Yesterday was the first time I played house. I came home from work, went to the grocery store, cooked dinner, and watched TV with him until we fell asleep.  It reminded me a little bit of when I was dating Tat in Staten Island, how I felt friendless and trapped. Granted I had some other things going on this week that contributed to those feelings, but it was odd.  Again, I know I'm not ready to move in with him and I also know I never want to be THAT couple who gives their identity and freedom to the relationship.

Phew! My low this past week wasn't in regards to MDLL, but it didn't help to have all of this going on with him.  The combination was emotionally overwhelming. The one positive thing about my lows is that I do seem to learn something new once they pass.  I just wish I wasn't so raw in the moment.

This too shall pass! ; )

I side with...

www.isidewith.com has an election quiz to help you determine which election candidate you relate to the most.  

I'm not surprised I sided with Obama, but I am surprised I sided with Republicans on one issue.  I'm also surprised there's candidates I never heard of, not because I am so informed, but because the media doesn't seem to care about them. Too bad it's still a two-party system...

My results:

I side with Barack Obama on most issues in the 2012 Presidential Election.

Candidates you side with...

86% Barack Obama on economic, social, domestic policy, foreign policy, environmental, science, and immigration issues.

79% Jill Stein on domestic policy, social, foreign policy, environmental, and science issues.

70% Stewart Alexander on domestic policy and social issues.

37% Mitt Romney and Ron Paul on immigration issues.

88% New York Voters on economic, social, domestic policy, healthcare, foreign policy, environmental, science, and immigration issues.

81% American Voters on healthcare, foreign policy, immigration, science, and environmental issues.

Who you side with by party...

86% Democratic

79% Green

43% Libertarian

37% Republican

26 minutes!

I have veinte y seis minutos left of work. I can't wait to get out of here!  I'm itching for the weekend!

This week has been fantastic.  I feel so happy, fortunate, blessed, and lucky.  Life is good!

I don't really know what made me feel so great.  I guess it's just awareness.  I'm fully aware of how good I have it.  My healthy, family, friends, boyfriend, job, city, home, salary, etc. are all GOOD. 

There is a little voice in my head that says, "You feel too good! You're too happy! A low is coming!"  I am doing my best to silence it.  The nice thing is I recognize how low the voice talks now.  There was a point when it was LOUDER THAN LOUD and now it's just a slight annoyance, sort of like a stray hair you can feel but can't see.

I wish all of you could feel what I am feeling now.  Happiness, gratefulness, love.  It's amazing.  I've worked hard to rid myself of negativity that it's so gratifying to get to a place of positivity, joy, hope, and faith.  I chose to be here and I couldn't be happier.

It's hard to digest the idea that our thoughts and feelings are a choice.  I truly believe they are now. This doesn't mean I will never be angry, hurt, sad, etc. I was pretty upset about something this week and I couldn't let it go.  I dug deep, got to the core of the issue, and was enlightened.  I believe I was choosing to hang on until I fully understood why I was feeling the way I did.  Now that I know, I'm at peace and moving on...

Dos minutos!  Happy weekend everyone!

Joy to the world!

I had my annual checkup with my doctor this morning.  It is so, so, SO incredibly nice to feel good and be healthy!!  Dr. B was very happy for me.  I am, too!!  Yes, I want to lose weight and stop binge drinking, but you know what's great about these two "issues"?  I'VE HAD THEM FOREVER!!  Nothing is new!  I am not falling apart! Yay!  What a difference a year makes. : )

Other fantastic news...guys, it's on. Like REALLY on.  I am madly in love with my boyfriend and I know he is madly in love with me!!  I am in awe of how wonderful things are between us.  I didn't know it was possible to fall more in love with someone every time you talk to or see them.  Gosh, I have so many examples that I don't know which one to share...

Okay, sometimes MDLL will text me asking what he should have for dinner, which is funny because I am the LAST person to give meal suggestions.  If I'm home my dinner is usually carrots, hummus, and a rice cake.  He always makes fun of me for it, which is ironic since his dinner is usually pizza or chinese.  We were text-teasing each other about being world class chefs last night. After a couple of zingers I wrote, "I can't wait for us to cook together all of the time. I think we'd make a great team." and he responded with "I think you're right!" ADORABLE. This is the worst anecdote of all time.

OHOHOHOHOH!!  MDLL came to my cousin's Fourth of July party on Saturday.  It was so fun!! We had a great time sweating (so hot!), playing beer pong, and stuffing our faces.  My parents were hysterical (Juniper!) and treated MDLL perfectly.  My mom asked if he was having fun/had fun at LEAST six times.  I am so glad we've moved past the drama. Now we can be one big happy family!

Joy!!!

Weight the fuck?

I read this article on Jezebel, which lead me to this website.

What is pro-ana and pro-mia?  I didn't know either...turns out they are the promotion of anorexia and bulimia, respectively.  WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I am half surprised, half not surprised. There's a movement/website for everything, why not eating disorders?  I really don't get it though.  They are encouraging low self-esteem, illness, and death.  The website SkinnyGossip is promoting intolerance and hate.  You can be a proud thin person without being verbally abusive to overweight people.  Why not promote positivity and good health instead?

I'll admit I am judgmental at times.  If I see an obese person I want to go all Jillian Michaels on them and scream, "Stop killing yourself!".  When I see super skinny women I think they are weak and unfuckable. Obviously I'm not above being mean, but I am not promoting my behavior.  I am wrongly projecting my insecurities about my body and unhealthy lifestyle, which makes ME the asshole, not them.

It's interesting I read these articles today.  I woke up this morning feeling confident I can get into slammin' shape this summer.  I'm at 170 now and while I would like to get down to 155 again (in a HEALTHY way) I have new goals that aren't dependent on the scale:

1.  Fit back into my size 10 Gap jeans and The Dress, the $300 strapless Max Azria dress that I'm hoping to wear to Socks' wedding in October. 

2. I can get The Dress on, but it doesn't look flattering because of my flabby upper arms.  This is goal two; I want to firm my arms and thighs.  I'm sick of my chubby appendages!!

3. Move at least five days a week.  Tonight I'm walking the five miles home.  Tomorrow I'm going for a run in the morning (if it's not too hot). Wednesday yoga. Thursday kickboxing.  Saturday I'm planning to do a Brooklyn Day, so that will be a lot of walking, too.

4.  If I was able to change my diet out of fear last year, then I need to be brave enough to do it again this year.  I know what I can eat, I know what I'm capable of, and I know once I set my mind to do this I will succeed!!

Wish me luck!

A white lie?

I am toying with the idea of deleting my MDLL divorce posts.  I always felt a bit guilty for airing everything out on Thighs without his knowledge.  He knows I have a blog, he doesn't want to read it (Shizza bless his soul), there are no real names, so it's possible I could "get away with" keeping it up.  I mean, it became my story too, right?

I'm going to keep thinking about this.  Writing on Thighs is my therapy, so I needed to share my feelings and thoughts about his separation with the universe in order to survive it all.  Now that it's almost over, I'm not sure I need it to be publicizied.  HA! Publicized to 23 people...

Is it a white lie?  Sin of omission?  Some other phrase I'm screwing up?

MDLL, if I decide to keep Thighs as is and you read this, I hope it doesn't hurt you. Anything I've written on here I've already shared with you, so it's cool...right?

I don't know how I would feel if I read about my life in someone else's blog...thoughts?

Vegas, baby!!

Other good news...

I AM THE LUCKIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD.  I cannot not NOT believe how fortunate and blessed I am.  Iron and Miron paid for my flight and hotel, gave me some money to gamble, and took me out to amazing restaurants every night, STK and Picasso being the standouts.  I am not a foodie, nor am I cultured, so it is always a treat to spend time with people who enjoy and can afford the finer things in life.  I make good money now, but I still hesitate at the idea of dropping three hundy at the craps table.  Consultants, not so much.  The amount of money being thrown around was jaw dropping.  I saw a guy bet and lose 5K in 10 minutes.  Give it to me instead!!

Vegas is a weird place.  There are high rollers, low rollers (is that even a thing?) and everyone in between. I'm still not sure what I want to say about Sin City.  Key words floating around my noggin all week were economy, sadness, greed, hedonism, status, sex, fun, luck...it's a fucked up place if you think too much about it.  I guess that's the appeal; they make sure you DON'T think once you get there.

The conference went really well.  Fingers crossed our leads become clients!! I felt much smarter this time around, yet I kept my mouth shut for the most part.  I didn't want to say the wrong thing!!  I rarely sit around looking pretty (mostly because I only recently decided I actually AM pretty), but I didn't mind being quiet.  Well, during the day anyways.  At night I turned it up to 11 and had a BLAST. Iron and I stayed out until 6am our last night.  She and I get along really, really well. It's probably because we are the same person.  Seriously, our personalities are a lot alike although I am more centered.  Yes, this means Iron is absolutely NOT centered...yet anyways. She'll get there!  This is part of the reason I believe I got this gig - the universe wants me to help Iron out of the personal funk she's been in for the last few years. At the same time she can help me out of my financial one! Isn't that nice? I think so!

While we bonded over a lot of things, one experience will always stand out...

WE GOT TATTOOS TOGETHER!! Yay! After 17 years, I FINALLY got a blurple Pisces tattoo.  I fell in love with this picture online...

and the artist brought it to life!  I have a total crush on Ben from Club Tattoo!!

It's healing up nicely although now it's peeling like crazy. I'll take another picture once it's completely healed. I still can't believe I got it.  Yesterday was the first day I didn't drink in a week, so maybe it'll hit me once all the alcohol is out of my system!

I'd love to come back to Vegas one day with MDLL or my girlfriends.  Five days was way too long, so maybe a long weekend is better. Luckily being at the conference from 9-5pm all week kept me relatively good. Relatively...

Check out my pics!!

HE DID IT!!

MDLL processed his divorce papers!!  WOOHOOOOO!!

I am so, so, SO incredibly happy and proud of him!! 

I am also so proud of myself for standing by him and seeing this through. Of course now I am having mild panic attacks about actually being in a loving, respectful, caring, healthy, relationship with MDLL minus the elephant in the room.  My commitmentphobia is rearing it's ugly head! ARGH!

Apparently the wedding planning phase really was a phase.  Maybe it was a distraction from everything.  It was fun to think about, but now I am shaking in my Birks.

I am NOT ready to move forward yet.  The next few months I want to simply enjoy having a wonderful boyfriend and not think about what's to come.  Our two year (holy crap!!) meetiversary is September 6th and I'd love to take a mini-break with him around then to celebrate.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!

I LOVE MDLL AND HE LOVES ME AND THAT IS ALL WE NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE AND IT'S OKAY TO BE NERVCITED ABOUT THE POSSIBILITIES THAT I AM SUPPOSEDLY NOT THINKING ABOUT.

Yay!

LOSER

I miss MDLL. 

I hate when we're more than a mile apart!

I want to call and text him every five minutes.

I want to be with him in Pittsburgh. (No I don't.)

I hate this! GAH!

At least I'll be in Vegas soon.  DOUBLE GAH!

I texted him once today.  Well twice, but it was a two part thought.  WAAAAHHHH...

He went for himself. He went for me. He went for us. 

CHILL OUT, LOSER.

Heat Dreams

I need to buy a new air conditioner.  Mine is okay and it definitely made a difference compared to my non-A/C rooms, but I didn't sleep well.  I dozed off around 12:30am, woke up 3am, half-slept until 4am, gave up and watched Total Recall on TBS (SCORE!), fell back to sleep at some point, woke up for a few minutes around 6am and talked to myself, slept again then finally got out of bed around 8am.

Besides Total Recall, the only other fun thing about last night were my dreams. Take it away, nutjob!

Jarv, Rocks, Bakes, and I were in a huge block-long apartment with lots of different rooms that I believe we shared.  (I'm pretty sure I dreamt of this place before.)  We were partying and discussing what Broadway shows to see.  I tried to tell Rocks that Jarv and I were going to Jesus Christ Superstar (which we are), but I couldn't get the words out. "Jejus Juperchrist. Super Christ.  Jesus Christ Superstar!!!"  

Dream change - The apartment became just Jarv's place which she shared with a gay man and a stocky, hairy, straight guy.  The straight guy flirted with me and I believe he wanted to spoon.  We may have all been on acid or drunk; I remember it was almost sunrise and we were all really fucked up.  While I was with the guy, the other girls were in Jarv's room playing dress up.  Jarv came out with a humongous guidette bouffant and five pounds of makeup.  I said, "I want to dress up too!" and followed her.  The place had railroad style rooms on both sides of the apartment with a twisty hallway between them and a few secret passages.  I vividly remember a little songbird flying around the apartment.  It made me happy.

Dream change - The boy roommates disappeared and the new tenants were Jarv's coworkers from her production company (she does not work at one in real life).  I believe they were putting on a play of some sort.  I remember we had to climb a ladder that was coming out of the ceiling, which brought us to a whole bunch of cubicles.  Some of her coworkers were semi-bitchy girls and sketchy guys. 

Dream change - The girls aren't in the dream anymore. The coworkers become my coworkers as I take the new job at the production company.  They are putting on some sort of show called "Deandra Deandra" with this chunky little girl in a purple dance outfit.  I believe she either sang really well or had magical powers.  For some reason there were also models nearby and I had to work with their hairstylist and makeup artists.  There was some kind of style competition ala the reality show Shear Genius, but I don't recall doing anything except watching and standing in the wrong place.  I decided to leave and exit out a different ladder back to the office, this one more Escher-esque.  I was above the cubicles with a skirt on and all of the guys gave me the "Hey yo!" and thumbs up because they could see my undies.  I pulled down my skirt to cover my thighs which were MUCH bigger than real life (I hope).

Dream change - This is where it gets weird. (!!) Most things are different.  I don't think I was the lead in my own dream anymore, although it was a blonde.  I guess we'll just call her Jamie. (I don't know why, it feels right.)  Jamie walks into the apartment building and there's a big security gate inside with two guards sitting at a desk.  You need your housekeys to get passed the gate.  She unlocked it and went into the elevator, but then the scene is still playing without her, like if I'm watching a movie.  This guy who kind of looks like Busta Rhymes circa today is at the gate trying to get in.  One of the security guards goofily walks over and says he can't let him in.  Busta says, "No problem, let me give you a quarter."  The security guard is super happy about this, opens the gate to get the quarter, and accidentally drops the keys.  Busta grabs the keys which opens certain apartments and runs off.  Jamie, who again I don't think was here for all of this, appears and says, "Oh no!  My apartment #4141!" and runs upstairs.  She enters the big apartment from the earlier scenes and starts moving all of this furniture in front of the doors so Busta can't rob her.  He gets in anyways and she runs down to one of the secret passages Jarv had showed her.  Jamie opens this weird air-compression sealed door (if that's even a thing) and climbs inside this round chamber.  She calls her mom, which is my mom, and tells her she's okay.  Then she realizes what she climbed into was a big dryer and she will most likely die from the heat. Somehow she manages to get out.

Dream change - Now the dream becomes this Gossip Girl murder mystery type thing.  All of the production company coworkers and Busta are in on this big master plan to kill people.  I'm not really sure why or what happened, but it became this "don't trust anyone because they are all in cahoots" plot. Jamie kept running around the building, stuff I can't remember happened, and then there was a shoot out in this big room with the coworkers, my real life coworker Klam, and JOHN LITHGOW.  The room was huge and white with little mini-golf type floor decorations.  The only one I clearly remember was a fake swamp that was actually a real swamp with a big turtle covered in moss.

Anyhoo Jamie managed to kill Busta, there was blood everywhere, then some friends she could trust helped her hide the body inside a mattress.  It's not clear if they chopped him up.  Some other people died, but then the bullets turned into rubber and bounced off everyone.  Klam and Lithgow were yelling about something, some more stuff happened, and then I woke up.

The end.

Anxious Hot Love

MDLL flies to Pittsburgh tonight.  I fly to Vegas on Monday.  We both get back on Friday.  After almost two years (UNREAL), we are closing one chapter and opening another.

I've been pretty anxious all week.  Sunday night I had some tummy issues, a panic attack, and hot flashes.  I barely slept.  I then seemed to have some sort of allergic reaction to the heat on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Hot flashes again, then my throat closed up and my skin got beat red as soon as I walked outside at lunch.  It's annoying, but seems manageable today.  I'm pounding Gatorade and water, walking at a zombie-like pace, and staying out of the sun as much as possible.  I feel a bit nauseous, but it's probably all of the liquids!

Like always, it's a combination of things with me - I'm anxious about MDLL, sensitive to the heat, PMSing, and nerv-cited for Vegas.  Let's break this shit down:

I'm doing all I can to beat the heat, save ditching work and going swimming.  It will be interesting to see how I react to the Vegas climate; I wonder if the humidity is the problem and not the temperature.

Vegas will be a blast!!  I'm more excited than nervous.  I have no idea what to expect!  At least now I'll be more careful about staying hydrated and cool.  As for the work conference, I'm a bit nervous about selling Biz.  I know I'm a natural schmoozer, but I'm a bit insecure about some of the business processes.  Hopefully Iron and Miron will always be in earshot to help me if I get stumped.

PMS?  Boring.  Been there done that.

MDLL. Okay, I just cheesily smiled when I wrote his name.  I'm really excited for us.  I'm happy and proud of him.  I hope once the papers are signed he immediately feels lighter.  I know I will!

I've written about this before, wondering what our relationship will be like without the elephant in the room.  I believe it will be amazing as always.  He's become my best friend, my love, my rock, my everything. I am in awe of how much we love each other.  I cannot believe it finally happened nor can I believe I spent most of my life pining and whining over guys who didn't deserve me or didn't love me back.  When it's right, it's right.  It wasn't easy to deal with his separation and pending divorce at times, but it brought us closer together and made our relationship stronger. 

I used to think love should be easy, but this idea is too vague for me now.  Life is full of challenges, obstacles, stress, etc....of course it will be hard. I've reworded this idea for myself to LOVING should be easy.  Loving MDLL has always been easy, even through our rough spots.  We love each other for who we are, faults and all. Sure sometimes I want to punch and murder him, but at the end of the day when I simmer down, I love him more than anything.  Easy peasy.

So many activities!

I love being active!  Yay!  Recent activities:

Fencing.  No joke!  Jarv has wanted to try it for a while now, so when a deal came in I decided to join her.  I had no idea it would be such a fun and intense workout.  The advancing, retreating, lunging, engaging.  Lots of ing-ing in that sport.  While I loved the sweat factor, I really enjoyed the focus on poise, control, and patience.  Obviously, I don't have any of those traits, so I'd like to go back for more training. The price for unlimited classes is more than a monthly gym membership though, so I'm hoping to find some place cheaper.

Walking.  The fencing academy is up on 104th Street and Broadway, which is a bit of a hike from Queens.  Luckily the nice weather encouraged me to walk the 3.5 miles up there from work a few times.  Jarv and I walked there and back this past Monday.  I've also walked home from work a couple of times too.  I don't mind the rain as long as we get beautiful days like today!

Jogging.  I ran the women's Mini-10K again!!  YAY! I absolutely love that race.  So much energy and grrrl-power.  I felt surprisingly good the whole time and jogged most of it at about a 12 minute pace.  I walked mile 4, so that cost me a few minutes, but it's not like I was racing-racing.  I just wanted to finish!  Here's my time:

I decided to also run the Giants 5K (we run on the field!) and the Color Run with Juniper this summer. I'm very excited to do both!  Check out the Color Run:

Sculpting.  Last time I ran the 10K I got hammered and woke up on my bathroom floor with no pants on.  THIS time I scheduled a sculpting class (yes another Groupon) right after the race to prevent myself from being a drunk.  It worked!  Check out my stone carving creation:

Yogaing. I love yoga. I've been going to The Giving Tree Yoga Studio with Juniper for a couple of months now and really enjoy it there. 

Swimming. Florida totally got me back into swimming. Tomorrow MDLL and I are heading down to Seaside for some beaching, then we are GOING TO MY PARENTS HOUSE.  Wha-wha-whaaaa??

We aren't technically back together, as in I haven't said "You are my boyfriend again." but basically we are hanging out and talking everyday like we did before the break-up. I didn't tell anyone until recently because I needed some time to be with him in peace.  We are both very excited to get over the divorce hump and see where the future takes us. Hmmm...I guess loving is an activity too!

Still to come: kickboxing, some more archery, bike riding, and I asked my brother to get me some samurai sword training DVDs so I can keep that up.

YAY ACTIVITIES!

Guilt is humbling.

I haven't felt guilty in a while.  This could mean I didn't feel bad for a recent negative thought or action or it could mean I haven't done anything wrong.  I like to believe it is the latter...

Today I felt like absolute shit.  There were three women who ragged on me all last summer, Voldemort being the worst.  I sucked it up with a smile on my face and eventually created a respectful rapport with them, especially a woman I'll call Doldemort.

Doldemort and my boss used to be best friends, then had a HUGE falling out a couple of years ago. This led Doldie to despise anyone Biz related, myself included. Again, she finally came around and I ended up really liking her.

Two weeks ago Doldie told me she was let go.  The kicker - her last day isn't until the end of the year.  I don't know what's worse, not working or working with people who want you out.  She asked me to keep it to myself, even though all of her coworkers know.

Well last week at dinner Iron brought up how Doldie is out.  I said Doldie told me and explained how I felt really bad for her, but couldn't tell if this was a good scenario or not.  It's good financially, however I can't imagine it's good for her psyche.

Fast forward to this morning, my coworker Ackbar went to Doldie's office to give her his sympathies saying Thighs told me what happened.  I had no idea until Doldie wrote me an email saying how angry she is I blabbed.

I know it wasn't the worst thing I did in my life, but it hit me hard.  I apologized in person and twice in email.  I cried in the bathroom, cried on a walk, cried to Spags while she tried to calm me down.  I even thought about going to MDLL's office so he can console me, but thankfully I decided against it.  He has yet to see my hysterical. (Oh yes, we are back together. More on this later. Ironically, he asked me to go for a walk at lunch so I still got to see him!)

I made a mistake. I was wrong. I betrayed Doldie's trust.  I gossiped without intentionally doing so.  The tears and guilt did not fit the crime, but they struck a chord.  It was a familiar, uncomfortable feeling, almost like an old enemy I forgot existed.  It's interesting how one small event can bring up old wounds, even if all I remember is the pain associated with the gash and not the specific gash itself.

I think this experience was well-timed.  I don't know how or why, but I believe it will prevent me from betraying someone else's trust, someone much closer to me than a work acquaintance.

Thanks Shizza. Duly noted.

Wedhead

MDLL is going to Pittsburgh the last week of June to process his divorce!! Yay! I'm very excited and happy to move forward, yet I know it's stressing me out on some level. I can't wait to see what our relationship is like without this hanging over our heads!!

Ironically, I decided to PLAN MY WEDDING as a distraction. Yes I am crazy, but for some reason I feel this intense urge to research dresses, dates, venues, caterers, florists, everything! I'm also watching Say Yes to the Dress and Bridezilla marathons on Netflix streaming in order to get ideas on what to wear and on how NOT to act. My thoughts so far...

1. Most important - everyone has fun, especially my husband and I. Hopefully it is MDLL!

2. The only traditional things I care about is my dad walking me down the aisle and our father/daughter dance. I am going to make that sucker weep!!

3. I have a big family and a lot of friends. I want ALL of them to come. The average NY wedding costs $27K (!!), so in order to have an affordable one with 200+ people I'd like to throw an open bar, buffet style, come and go as you please, kick-ass fucking dance party at a bar in Manhattan or Astoria, not a formal sit down dinner with scheduled events. That is if the hubs will be okay with this.

4. Since I will be dancing I will be a red sweaty mess pretty early on, so the dress must be light and airy without showing perspiration. Strapless might be out because I don't want to be fidgeting with it all night, although I'm sure with the tailoring it will be fine. I'm not a flashy lady so I could see myself in something simple, but then again, maybe this is the one night I'll actually want to be flashy. TBD.

5. Curly and long for the ceremony, up-do for the reception. Again, always thinking about the sweat factor.

6. Speaking of the ceremony, I'm not religious so I will most definitely ask Laurie Sue Brockway to do the nuptials. Hopefully she'll be available! If she's not, I will get this guy from Spaceballs to do it fast:

7. No bridal party, nor does anyone have to throw me a shower. If I do have one, it will most likely be the same day as the bachelor party. Yes, I wrote "bachelor" considering it will most likely include a dive bar and naked ladies at a strip club.

8. I'm not too worried about flowers, colors, or decor, but I'm sure there will be blurple somewhere.

9. If MDLL and I do get married, I would love to have our after party at Crazy Ass, the bar where we met. Maybe.

10. Rings are in a previous post...

Ummmm, I guess that's it for now. I've never really thought about this girly shit before and I must say I am having a lot of fun with it. YES, I am nuts to think about marrying MDLL before his divorce is final. YES, this is most likely going to blow up in my face. BUT, if I learned anything in recent years it's to listen to my gut. My gut is saying to do this, have fun, be creative, and hope for the best!!

My morning (thus far)

6:30am - woke up without an alarm, half-slept, debated what to do

7:00am - jogged/walked 2.25 miles in the neighorhood

7:30am - got coffee, went on my roof to meditate and stretch

8:00am - danced around my living room with imaginary MDLL, talked to myself

8:40am - stripped for shower to get ready for work which usually takes me only 20 minutes

8:42am - saw HUGE roach/waterbug sitting on shower drain, grabbed Raid, sprayed it down proudly using only a little bit instead of my usual half a can, watched the fucker twitch and die, fumbled with dustpan trying to get the corpse up, failed, finally used a bunch of used tissues from my garbage, threw it out while screaming "ewewewewewew", realized while I only sprayed a bit the Raid was in my mouth like when you pass someone with too much perfume on, opened window, ran out of bathroom, scrubbed mouth in kitchen, took a quick Raid/water shower, dried off, went to bedroom still disgusted

8:58am - ironed shirt, dressed, put on makeup, switched purses three times, grabbed yoga gear for later, left, made daily walking-to-train-call to my mother, she complained her computer is broken and her husband who is IT desktop support has yet to fix it, I say probably because he doesn't want to work on a computer at night after 9 hours of doing the same, she rushes off the phone in a huff because she doesn't like to hear when she's being a brat

9:13am - got to subway, asked lady to combine two Metrocards so I didn't have to buy an unlimited one until later, she says one is damaged and gives me form to mail it away for a new one, I say nevermind not worth cost of stamp, she said it's free postage and your money so I should mail it anyways, I mentally roll my eyes, go to Metrocard machine, look for wallet, realize I don't have it, walk home again

9:32am - leave apartment for third time this morning, buy a Gatorade to quench my thirst and remove Raid taste from mouth, get to subway, buy unlimited Metrocard, have revelation on train that I am absolutely positively in love with MDLL and my anxiety from this week about my weight, money, everything is stemming from the fact I can't believe I finally found love and try to accept the fact I deserve to be happy

10:10am - enter work, vent to Rem about my morning, check work and personal email, start this post

11:06am - finish post, worry how my lips still feel numb and I will die from Raid poisoning

Thanks, Thighsighs.

Blogs are great for looking up the date of something...

I remembered weighing myself at Bacon's house right before I met MDLL's brother, which was January 29th.  I weighed 166 lbs during a day filled with booze and food.  This means I was probably 163 lbs in the morning.  My weight fluctuates at least 3-5 pounds from morning to night.

I've only gained five pounds in the past four months.  Why does it feel like more??  Is it because I'm working out, so it's shifting?  Now I don't feel so bad, but as you can read, I am obsessed with my weight today. 

STOP IT!!

Thar she blows.

I am a fat whale. 

Okay, no I'm not, but that's how I feel today.  Stupid pdiddy bloatedness.

I'm struggling with my body lately.  Last year I dropped the weight effortlessly, only because I was too scared to eat.  I had no idea I was only consuming 800 calories a day.  I knew I would eventually gain some weight back once I went off the yeast-free diet (which is WAY harder than going gluten-free), but I didn't think I'd get fat again!

Yesterday I weighed 166.  This is the lowest I've been sine 2005, not counting last summer's accidental anorexia.  The thing is, I FEEL it.  I feel every single pound I've gained.  I attribute this to my heightened awareness of my body, which is an amazing gift when I feel good.  Now, not so much.

This is nothing new.  I've struggled with my weight for years, wrote about it for years, whined about it for years.  I've lost and gained over and over again.  There is a difference this time around, though.  I'm exploring it as I type, so bear with me.  Stream of consciousness, GO!

i don't understand why i feel so fat righ tnow i've always been over weight but after last year it's just so upsetting to me to have body issues and the same OLD feeling of hating how i look. didn't i learn anything from last year??? life is short, good health both mental and physical is important, love myself, know thyself, as it is in heaven.  don't give me my daily bread becuase I will be glutened! Gah!! what the fuck Thighs??? you can't eat flour, beer, pasta, cupcakes, all the fattening food. what the fuck are you eating.  I will tell you.  Yesterday:

iced coffee with milk
Fage greek yogurt 2%
gluten-free Kind bar
apple
grilled chicken with mixed grilled vegetables
banana
3 rice cakes and carrots with most of a container of Sabre hummus
a bag of M&Ms

M&Ms are the new Peppermint Patties.  UGH.  I just need to work out. That's all I've ever needed!!  Get up off your lazy fat arse and move goddamn it.  Stupid idiot moron.  YOU KNOW HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT.  Why the fuck do we have to be on our "deathbed" in order to get our health in order??  Lately I've been wanting to punch fat people in the face.  Seriously!!  Who the fuck do I think I am!??!  When I see fatties walking down the street with their big gulps and limps and boulder cheek asses I want to beat them and say "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!? YOU'RE KILLING YOURSELF!" Same goes for smokers! I smoked and I loved it and it's FUCKING STUPID.  Every time a porker eats McDonald's and a smoker puffs a cig they are telling themselves they want to die. But what am I doing??  POT KETTLE BLACK, MUCH?  I may not be obese, but I'm not healthy.  My carrot, hummus, rice cake dinner is fucking stupid!  GAH! DUMB BITCH!  I hate weight, I hate clothes, I hate people who like working out only because I wish I was them.  I hate skinny-fat girls, I hate fat-fat girls, and I will always hate racists and litterers.  I'm literally and figuratively sizing up everyone I walk by because I am uncomfortable in my own skin.  And Thighs history has shown that chances of doing something about it are slim to none.  See what I did there? Fuck you!

Ahhhhh...

Sorry folks, that's how I think.  At least that's how I used to think, one big run-onish sentence.  Auntie D has helped slow the thoughts down, but ladytime sends me back into a classic Thighs nutso.

The dumb part about this is I AM active.  In the past week I've jogged twice, did zumba, went fencing (which is a suprisingly good workout), exercising throughout the day ie squats, lunges, situps, and ONE pushup/plank.  I wanted to run this morning, but slept in so I'm going to walk the 4 miles home from work.  I'll be working out all weekend, too. 

So I AM doing things, I just wish I didn't look in the mirror and feel guilty, ugly, and whaley.

I like getting my period because that means I'm not preggers, but man, some months it sure does make me hate myself.  JERK RAG!

Cindy Sherman at MOMA

The first time I heard of Cindy Sherman was exactly three years ago when I saw some of her work at the Met.

On Monday I visited her newest exhibit at MOMA.  I was blown away!!  She is an amazing photographer, designer, and visionary.  She is both the artist and the subject, using disguises and props to create a different narrative and character in each untitled photo.

Here are a few of my favorites:

Untitled 131:

Untitled 70:

Untitled 699 (I think):

Also a short film called Doll Clothes that I love, love, LOVE:

Eureka!!

I found my Target receipt!! Yay!

Good-bye POF

I deleted my Plenty of Fish account.  As much as I like to write on my blog, I hate writing online dating profiles.  This is circa 2007:


Headline: Looking for a best friend to smooch.


Description: I am a fun, creative, and passionate woman who loves to laugh and have a good time. I like writing, walking around the city, going out for drinks, going to baseball games, and watching football and movies. My life is pretty rockin' right now; the only thing missing is someone to share it with.


I'd like to meet a funny, caring guy who enjoys sports and/or comics, staying in just as much as going out, and giving good hugs. : )


Yikes.

Drag Queen

No energy, no motivation, no patience...all I want to do is go home and sleep.  This week is draaaaaaagiiiiiiiiiiing.

Oh it's Thursday?  Okay, nevermind.  Week isn't dragging.  The work days are though!  Maybe I shouldn't take off again.  Apparently I can't bounce back into the swing of things.

Let's blame post-vacation vacationhead, the weather, social media, the internet, my cuticles for being disgustingly pickable, my cellphone, and the relative quiet at work.

In other words, let's blame everything else, but me!!

Another day, another dollar.

Holy WIRED. I got up at 6am, went for a jog, got coffee, came home, went through my garbage looking for a goddamn Target receipt, failed, got ready, picked up my happy meds, and came to work. In an hour I'll either be dancing on the ceiling or sleeping under my desk.

I'm pissed about this Target receipt because I shouldn't have bought the damn dress and tank top to begin with, THEN I changed my mind about returning them in Jackson before heading to NY. I can't believe I lost the darn thing! ARGH.

I went way over budget in Florida. Granted, my budget was a bit unrealistic for a six day vacation, but still. I logged everything in my spending tracker and gasped. Yikes. Thankfully I had the dough to spend!

My monthly budget isn't really a budget. I do allot for bills and necessities, then the rest is a free for all of fun money. I need to learn how to save!! I decided this summer I'm going to buckle down and curb my extra spending.

As for big trips, I'm going to Vegas in June for work which is basically free. I was planning to tack on a trip to the Grand Canyon, but I decided against it due to money and time. Anyone up for Arizona next year?? Diamondbacks and Sedona, too?

I do have a couple mini-weekend trips planned, though. Friday I am heading up to Providence to visit the Faces!! Woo hoo!! I can't wait to see the babes, Cale and Oliver! You too of course, Leeks and Pandy. : )

Next trip isn't until August when the Petes and I are heading to Atlantic City for Socks' bachelorette party. Yay!   I've only been there once.  I was 21 and broke with college friends who showed their racist side for the first time. What the fuck is wrong with people?? They also spent most of their money on coke and $20 blackjack tables, which I really didn't understand. The gambling, I mean. I did some lines, which was idiotic because then I got a headcold. When I did "gamble", the old ladies at the slot machines were so fucking angry and rude. "These ten machines are MINE!!!" I'm shaking my head at the memory. Obviously now I'm older with kizash and cooler friends, so this trip will be AWESOME. No cokecolds!!

So, if anyone wants to have some cheap NYC fun this summer, let me know! I plan on going to the beach as much as possible!!

Florida!

The rundown...and pictures!

1. General

Travelling alone is very liberating!  If you are comfortable with your own thoughts, meeting new people and small talk, I highly recommend it.  Fuck it, even if you're uncomfortable with those things, take a solo mini-break somewhere close.  You might surprise yourself!

If you do travel alone on a beach vacation, there are two things you should buy:  spray sunscreen and a waterproof wallet. I used regular lotion sunscreen and missed a couple of spots on my back the first day.  Spray sunscreen might work better. The waterproof wallet was the best idea I ever had; I didn't have to worry about someone stealing my shit when I went in the water.

Speaking of swimming, while I was definitely the palest person on the beach, I didn't feel self-conscious about my body. There were plenty of thinner girls wearing too small, unflattering bikinis. My one-piece may be granny, but it's appropriate for my size.

2. Miami and South Beach, 05/12/12 - 05/14/12

Bus: I read some bad reviews about mass transit in Miami, but I decided to try it anyways. I didn't want to spend the money on a rental car for it to sit at the hotel. I guess if you're not used to riding a bus you'd be frustrated, but I thought it was great!! The Airport Flyer took me from MIA to Miami Beach for $2.35. All other bus rides were $2 and covered every where I wanted to go. A tip: be sure to buy an unlimited day pass at the airport because the bus drivers don't sell them. Also, if you are a guy, DO NOT SIT. Almost every time I was on the bus, a local loudmouth berated any man who didn't offer his seat to a woman. Granted, healthy young men should stand for ladies and the eldery, but some of these guys were insane. Strangest part was some of the seat judgers were racist about it, which I didn't understand at all.  Apparently dropping n-bombs is okay, as long as you are chivalrous. Half-jerks!

Baseball: Mets vs. Marlins, Marlins Park, #18! is in a gorgeous building, but the stadium was pretty ugly with this weird color green on the outfield walls. The infield wasn't any better; the natural grass isn't getting enough sunlight or water because of the roof so it looked dead and drab. The acoustics are awesome though - the roar of the crowd, the crack of the bat, the hundreds of Mets fans cheering the win! Woo hoo!

Hotel: I stayed at The Mimosa on Collins and 65th. It was a little out of the way, but fine for me considering I was in bed by 9pm both nights. I was exhausted! Next time, I'll pay a little extra to stay in South Beach.

Bars: Tobacco Road is Florida's oldest bar (it was a speakeasy during Prohibition), so naturally I wanted to check it out.  I was hoping for a LaFitte's or McSorley's type place dripping with history; instead I got Eminem and pretty college girls behind the bar. Booooo. Mac's Club Deuce in South Beach was perfect - dark and seedy, filled with locals drunk at noon. Definitely my kind of place! I played pool with a shark who looked like a skinny Danny Glover.

Beach: Lummus Park was glorious. The beach was clean, the water warm with lots of manageable waves.  The two drawbacks were the $15 umbrella rentals and no close bathrooms. It rained in the morning, so I ducked into a restaurant for breakfast. I met a girl named Kyree from DC and we ended up drinking until the sun came out. I was wasted before noon!! By the time I made it to the beach I had to pee so bad. I jumped in the ocean and peed in spurts for an hour and a half, even while talking to this good looking guy named Evan from Texas. I figured he had to feel it and would swim away so I can pee in peace, but he didn't. In fact, he invited me to dinner. I declined though. I went solo for a reason!

Serendipity: I've been looking for a chakra banner for a few weeks now to no avail. I thought it would be nice to put on the wall across from my bed, so I can see it when I wake up. Well I came across this store called 9th Chakra AND THEY HAD ONE!! Yay!

3. Fort Myers Beach, 05/14/12

Drive: Miami was super relaxing. The rest of the trip, not so much. I did a lot of driving, which was fun but exhausting. Monday morning I drove about three hours to Fort Myers. I haven't driven in about two years, so I was a bit nervous.I used to be an aggressive asshole road rage driver, but now I'm much calmer. I did get my Chevy Cruze up to 85, though. Boom! I'll never own a car in NYC, but I do miss the freedom of driving and singing to the radio at the top of my lungs.

My favorite part of the drive was going over the bridge from Fort Myers to Fort Myers Beach. It looked like a tropical mecca.

Hotel: I hung out on the north side near the Times Square section, which is a little area filled with bars and restaurants. Very quaint and chill town. Neptune Inn on the main strip is about a 10-15 minute walk to Times Square. The staff was very nice, the room was cute, and the view from my door was
amazing.

Bars: The standouts were Shamrock's, which was right across the street from my hotel, Yucatan (I only had breakfast here, but it was delicious) and The Beached Whale.  Shamrock's is a divey Irish bar with some fun characters, especially Breadman the bartender. The best way to describe him is Keith Richards and Ernest's lovechild. The Beached Whale is a typical restaurant bar with a really cool bartender named...wait for it...FORCE THOMPSON. I never put real names on Thighs, but I had to make an exception. Force Thompson, if you Google yourself and find this blog, I had so much fun hanging out with you!

Beach: The Gulf of Mexico is AMAZING. The water was warm, the sand a soft powder. I LOVED it and can't wait to go back!

Past: I haven't seen my mom's friend Roseann in about 20 years. Her son and I are the same age, so we used to play together when our families lived in Brooklyn. It was really cool to see her - she's exactly as I remember! It was a bit trippy for the both of us. All Roe kept saying is I look like my mom. At one point she was so candid with her life, I think she forgot I'm NOT my mother for a while. Later on she became my second mother, giving me a look every time I had a drink at dinner. When she dropped me off back at the hotel, I hid in the lobby and went back to Shamrock's when she drove away. In case you forgot, I am 34.

Roe's daughter Lisa is about 10 years younger than me, so I didn't remember her much. She's AWESOME though, I'm so glad she joined us for dinner! I already invited her to come stay in NYC. Check out her amazing photography.

3. St. Pete Beach, 05/15/12

Drive: After another three hour ride from FMB to SPB I was GRUMPY. I tried to cure my slight hangover- tiredness with loads of coffee, but it backfired. My body was exhausted while my mind was racing...

Hotel:  The only thing keeping me from flipping out was my adorable room at The Postcard Inn.  This hotel is FANTASTIC.  My room was on the parking lot side, so I had no idea a beautiful garden, pool, bar, and beach was down the hall.  For some reason I didn't take any pictures outside! Fail, but win because I would stay there again in a heartbeat.


Bars:  The PCI Bar at my hotel on the beach was perfect. I wish I could live there.  I hit a couple of bars a little north, but it was an older and boring crowd.  Then again I was there during the off-season and drinking at noon on a Wednesday. FYI, rumrunners are disgusting.

I went out of my way a bit to hit The Drunken Clam, named after the bar in Family Guy.  Chris (?) the bartender was a sweetheart and it turns out he has lot of family in Queens! (I met at least four people who used to live in Astoria!)  I was talking to him for about 20 minutes when this loud, red, obnoxious guy called Whispers (no joke) walks in screaming about vaginas.  Naturally he and I hit it off because he reminded me of someone. It took me a while to realize...it was me! We had the same personality, sense of humor, look, everything.  He told people I was his sister from Nebraska. They believed it.  There was a little incest as we did make out at one point, but it wasn't right. We might actually be related.

I made out with another guy that night. He ended up being a loser from Astoria who actually pretended to call the Irish Rover (a local bar) to get dirt on me.  WTF??

Beach: AMAZING. How many times do I have to say it??

4. Clearwater, 05/16/12

Hotel:  My friends Palmio and AC are the coolest couple of all time. First, they are both extremely talented writers and artists.  Second, they are a ton of fun.  Third, their home is gorgeous and creatively decorated.  Last, they are generous and kind hosts!  I'm so grateful I got to spend time with them!  Unfortunately AC had to work on her next project, so we didn't get to spend much time together. I'll just have to visit again! 

Baseball:  Red Sox vs. Rays, Tropicana Field, #19!  Truthfully I felt as meh about the field as I did at Marlins Park. I am so spoiled with Citifield. It's my second favorite ballpark after Wrigley.  The inside hallways by right field is decorated as a carnival. It was really cute!  We didn't walk around the whole stadium though, so I did miss the Hitters Hall of Fame and the Rays aquarium.  Oops!! I was about five ciders in the bag from pre-gaming at the stadium bar.  Post-game drinks there, too!  Drunk!

Museum:  You must go to the Salvador Dali museum.  It's incredible!  I really only knew a couple of his paintings like The Persistence of Memory with the melting clocks.  This guy was absolutely insane, a mad genius with a paintbrush. I was blown away by pretty much everything, but this one got me most:

5. Fin, 05/17/12

That's about it!!  I had a great time with friends old and new, beaching, drinking, eating, and smiling.  There were quite a few "soul laughs", what I call the enlightened, grateful, and purely happy giggle that comes from within. I feel very blessed and fortunate to have the opportunity to take this trip on my lonesome. Truthfully I missed MDLL at times, but only because I knew he would have loved the beaches down there as much as I did. Whether I end up with him or not, I hope to make a solo vacation a somewhat regular thing.  Next time I will sit still, though!!

I finished something!

The most important thing I had to do before leaving for Florida...

FINISH THE PUZZLE!

Ruth Clare FTW!

Vacationhead!

This was a wacky week.  It's FINALLY Thursday and now I have massive vacationhead. Yay!  Things:

Tonight is the wake for my great aunt.   I'm bummed out by death right now.  It's a silly way to describe how I feel, but really, what else can you say?  Dying's a bummer to the living.

Work is boring.  All I do is coordinate issue resolutions and update lists.  I really don't know why the client is still paying for me to be here at this point, but I ain't complaining!  My boss said we have some good prospects for new clients, so I'm sure things will pick up soon.

I'm in a bit of a body image funk, probably because this is the first time I'm going on a real beach vacation.  Last year all I could focus on was getting healthy, so body issues were the furthest thing from my mind.  Then one day I woke up 30 pounds lighter and had to get used to a new body I wasn't mentally prepared to live in yet.  I've since gained 10 pounds and I feel it.  At 165, I'm still the lightest I've ever been in my adult life, however I'm not in shape.  I haven't been in years.  I don't understand why I won't work out...

I love to bike ride, do activities (so many activities!), and practice yoga.  I cancelled my NYSC membership because I never go, plus gyms seem so claustrophobic and mechanical to me now.  I like the outdoors and the space in a proper yoga studio.

So it's not like I'm completely inactive, it's just getting fit still isn't a priority to me.  In some ways I feel worse than I did at my heaviest (192) because I'm more in tune with my body now.  Sober, too.

I joked about being the chubby pale woman on the beach, but truthfully I'm insecure about it.  I'd much rather be naked then in a bathing suit!  I guess it's because in my mind Miamians are tan, exotic looking size twoers.  Ha! Actually my other impression of Floridians is toothless backwoods rednecks, so maybe the Miamians won't be so bad.

I have yet to train for the 10K which is exactly 30 days away.  I'll still do it because I love the energy, but it's doubtful I'll run much.  Then again last time I barely trained and I managed to finish in 78 minutes. 

I'm in my thirties now...why the hell am I acting like an insecure teenager??  I've had so much fun in this body, why stress about it's imperfections?  I should embrace what I've accomplished with it.  That being said, if I want to be healthy and fit, I need to work on it.

I don't think it's laziness with me.  It's rebellion.  I don't want to HAVE TO workout, so why should I?  The pleasure of rebelling outweighs the pain of having the legs of a 60 year old chunker, which I do, thanks to my see-through skin.  Spider veins!

Oh fuck it.  This vacation is for me to relax, have fun, and get away from it all.  "All" includes my hang ups and negativity.  So shut up, Thighs, have fun, and ENJOY!

Death, Family, Love

My Great Aunt Bernie died this weekend at 92. She's my grandmother Dottie's twin sister. My grandmother died in December 2001. I miss her very much, more than I thought I would. My strained relationship with my mother made me keep my distance from her family. It saddens me to think I missed out on so many years of getting to know my grandmother because I was so hurt by mom's bullshit. I told Grandma this when she was in hospice care a couple of weeks before she passed. I truly am sorry I wasn't mature enough to understand who and what I lost at the time. I'm grateful I know now.

My mom's family is pretty interesting. It's a matriarch of crazy, strong, independent women. There were three sisters at the top, my grandmother, Aunt Bernie, and Aunt Gerry who passed away back in 1995. Since I've been reading the bible...

Aunt Gerry wed Jack and begot two daughters, Diane and Patty. Aunt Bernie wed Berger and begot Gail, Jeannie, and Brucie. Dottie wed Barney and begot Janet (my mom) and Brian. Somehow the sisters and their families all managed to end up living in the same apartment building on 49th Street in Sunset Park. There were plenty of other family members in the neighborhood, too. My mom has some hysterical stories about them all, usually involving the adults being bombed and the kids running amok. My favorite story isn't a drunken one, just a typical Irish/German woman giving the business. My grandfather Barney's real name is Bernard. He used to go by Bernie, but when my grandmother met him she said, "That's my sister's name, so I'll call you Barney." The bloodline of ballsy outspoken women runs deep.

Out of the seven kids between them, five went on to beget 14 grandchildren who begot 22 (and counting) great grandchildren. My Uncle Brian and Aunt Mary Ann never had kids. Brucie died at a young age. I believe he was trying to break up a fight in the streets one day and one of the thugs stabbed him. My mom said it was horrible and that's what broke up Aunt Bernie and Uncle Berger's marriage. Unfortunately Aunt Bernie also outlived Jeannie, who died last year.

I can't imagine losing a child. When I think about having a kid, I worry about something bad happening. What happens if he gets sick or I hurt him or he's is in a freak accident? I know I shouldn't even consider these things now, but they are out there. I wouldn't wish the loss of a child on anyone.

I'm afraid of dying for a couple of reasons. My biggest fear comes courtesy of a Tales from the Crypt episode where a guy is conscious through his autopsy and coffin burial. That sounds awesome. My next fear is the act of dying. I hope we all die fast and peacefully in our sleep. I guess that's really it. Fingers crossed death isn't a bad panic attack or a claustrophobic nightmare you can't escape.

Spiritually I have no problem with death. I like believing I can talk to my grandmother whenever I want. Even my freshman softball coach Mr. Neuse, who passed away a few years ago, pops into my head when I go to a game or pretend to make an unassisted triple play in my living room. I shudder at the idea they watch me shower or have sex or worse, have sex with myself, so I have a strict rule - no visits when I'm naked. Or at least don't let me know you're there. Shudder.

Of course if anyone I am close with today died I would be devastated. I am sad over Aunt Bernie because family is family, even if she was only a regular at parties rather than someone I knew on a personal level.  She was a good, decent woman, and I'm happy she lived a full life.

It's a funny thing, family. Hurt, love, happiness, pain, such a mixed bag of emotions and experiences. I'd love to punch my mom in the face right now, but I won't because one day she won't be here. It's also her birthday today, so that would just be rude.

I don't say this nearly enough...I love you, friends. Be well.

Wedding Rings

This started happening a couple of months ago.  WHO AM I!?!?!!

There is no right. There is no wrong.

My mom is freaking out about me going on a solo vacation.  I've known this because she hasn't said a word about it.  FYI, when extremely talkative people don't mention something, it's because they don't agree with your point of view. Surprise!

Yesterday she finally emailed me asking if she can join.  "This trip is making me uneasy." "I'll leave you alone...I'll watch all of your stuff when you swim in the ocean...I won't even talk to you."

My mom is retired, so a lot of her time is spent worrying about Rippie and I.  It's annoying, which is ironic because it bothers me because I'M worried about HER stress levels.  Stupid.

We talk every morning on my way into work.  It started when I got sick last year and we've both grown to like it.  Unfortunately, if I don't call at my usual time she'll frantically call me, "Are you okay? Are you testing me? Why haven't you called?"  Yikes.

When I read her email about Florida I flipped out.  My knee-jerk reactionary email was something like this:

"Absolutely not.  I am 34 years old, begrudgingly single because you made me feel like shit about MDLL, and a consultant, which means you better get used to me traveling alone.

You wanted a strong, independent daughter.  Well you got one, so stop stressing and cut the cord.  I like our daily phone calls, but if talking this much is making you codependent we will need to take a break."

A few minutes later I wrote:

"Sorry, I shouldn't have responded right away."

What I really was sorry about was mentioning MDLL.  It's partly true, though.  While I absolutely blame him for dragging his feet on the divorce, my family added what I feel was unnecessary judgmental and hurtful stress to the situation.

They don't see it like this, though.  This was reiterated by the screaming match my mom and I had a couple of hours ago. Somehow this trip became about her, MDLL, and my life choices:

"Who in their right mind, male or female, travels alone in this day and age?"

"Maybe it's my fault you have such low self-esteem and stayed with MDLL for so long."

"You should print out your email and bring it to your therapist, see what she says."

She was yelling all of these things, so I started yelling back.  She hung up at some point, but my dad was still on, so I started yelling at him.  I told them to fuck off and thanks for nothing. It was a lovely old-school McGee Family screamfest that ended with me crying in bed for an hour.

I'm trying to retrain myself to believe there is no right or wrong when it comes to opinions and choices. It's really hard, but I feel like it helps me manage my reactions and expectations.

My mom is not right or wrong.  She loves me and is worried about my safety on this trip and my future with MDLL. Or any guy, really.  My mom has not found ways to manage her stress and anxiety.  She married young and is unable to relate to my lifestyle.

I am not right or wrong. I love my mom. I still have trouble calming down when she riles up the ragesnake. I love MDLL.  I am able to measure our relationship based on our shared intimate experiences, not on his drawn-out separation.  I know others can't do this, nor do they have to.  I do wish my mom would be supportive instead of hurt my feelings, though.

Deep breath.  I will not let this ruin my trip.

There is no right. There is no wrong.  There is only understanding.

Hermit the Log

This was THE BEST WEEK EVER! Know what I did? I will tell you:

Saturday I had an awesome day of bike riding and drinking with Janeypants. LOVE!

Sunday I napped, did yoga, and ate sushi.

Monday - Thursday I was a total hermit.  All I did was work, Florida trip planning, AND A PUZZLE. Ruth Clare totally took over this week! I've had this puzzle forever (college maybe?) and had yet to do it. It's a 550 piece picture of an underwater sea goddess scene. It's really pretty, but MAN is it hard! Is puzzle inadequacy a thing? I actually had to remind myself I was doing this for fun and not get frustrated. It was a real eye-opener for me. I love to learn yet I hate being bad at things, so basically I only want to be taught or practice what I'm naturally good at. Pisces!

I am SUPER excited my Florida trip. I kind of love how it's coming together a little at a time. Early morning next (!!) Saturday I'm flying to Miami to catch the 1pm Mets/Marlins game. I booked a hotel room in Miami Beach for two days. I'll probably spend the first night hanging out in North Miami Beach, then all the next day down in South Beach. I will be the one person under an umbrella wearing a hat, long sleeves and pants.

The only other finalized plan is on Wednesday the 16th. I will be in Tampa/St. Petersburg for the Salvador Dali museum and the Red Sox/Devil Rays game with my friends who live in Clearwater. I'm crashing at their place that night, then I'm flying to NJ the evening of the 17th. I decided to head down to Jackson for a day or two for my mom's birthday/mother's day and to help them clean out the basement. My parents kept everything I did not throw out myself. I'm definitely saving my Baby-Sitter Club books, but I'm not sure about any of my toys. I thought keeping all of my Barbies would be nice, but I don't want the Costco-sized Stay Free Maxi-Pad box they are in taking up space in my apartment. Maybe I'll save a couple and give the rest to charity instead...

So that leaves Monday the 14th and Tuesday the 15th up in the air. The drive from Miami to Tampa is pretty long, so I will most likely stop in the Fort Myers or Sanibel area for some more beach time. I'm going to finalize that part of the trip tonight. SO EXCITED!!

OH! I "broke up" with Saturday Night guy. We played phone tag last weekend, then he called Wednesday night. I told him he's a great guy (not really, just hot) but I don't feel single. Maybe if he blew me away with his personality I'd want to keep this going. Who knows, all I do know is I love MDLL and am excited to give our relationship a second chance (Seventeenth chance? Bygones.)

I guess that's it! Tonight is more trip planning and puzzling, maybe some shopping for summer threads. Tomorrow is Cinco de Metso and a few parties. Sunday is my Groupon archery lesson! WOOT! I must must MUST start running, too. June 9th 10K will be here soon!

TFSIF!*

This week was loooooooong, but good!

I heard from MDLL. He's going to Pittsburgh to finalize his divorce!!! I am so, SO happy for him. He will feel great once it's done. Me, well I'm not holding my breath, but I am glad he's finally going.

Saturday Night guy and I went out on Wednesday. He's hot. SUPER hot, like a sunnier Eric from True Blood hot. We went out for dinner and drinks in the neighborhood. It was okay. He's very personable and talkative, which was nice. He's not very funny, though. I don't think I laughed at all, except at my own jokes. Fa! He's not into sports either, which my chauvinistic side does not understand. You have a penis!

Did I mention he's HOT? I don't even like blonde guys, but he's smoking. Even the waitresses gave me the "nice job" look.  It was fun to have a trophy wife for a night.


We left it open and casual. When I got home I thought I'd go out with him again because he's so pretty, but now I don't think I will. One, I'm not ready. Two, he's meh. And three, going out with him made me realize I still want MDLL.

I will keep dating if I meet someone interesting. If MDLL and I are both single once his divorce is final, I will absolutely give him a second chance. I want to know what our relationship will be like without the elephant in the room. I want to make out with his face and have babies named Taco and Guac and live on a boat and eat cheese and color all day long.


Enough about boys...last night I saw Avengers with Juniper. IT IS SO FUCKING AWESOME! YOU MUST SEE IT AS SOON AS YOU CAN! It was glorious!! Tonight is pokher, tomorrow is bike riding and drinking with Janey, and Sunday I might use my archery Groupon and do some yoga.

AHH! Almost forgot, I booked my trip! I decided to go to Florida instead of the Caribbean or Mexico. I fly to Miami on the 12th for the Mets/Marlins game. On the 16th I'm going to Tampa to see a Rays game with my friend Palmio. I haven't booked my return flight yet, nor do I know what I'm going to do between the games, but I. AM. PSYCHED!

I am also a spending machine. Once I get back from vacation I am on financial lockdown. I went to therapy this week and told Cee how my old excessive drinking and spending habits are back ever since the breakup. Ironically it's a self-preserving AND self-destructing pattern. I am SUCH a Pisces...


Twas a good week, twis a good life, and twalways good times (even during the bad ones). Goody goody!


*Thank friggin' Shizza it's Friday!

Saturday Night Guy called!

Holy crap, he called and we are hanging out Wednesday.  SHOOTIN' FISH IN A BARREL.

My ego totally needs this.  Yay!!

All I really want is BOYS.

Friday night I chatted up a guy sitting next to me at the bar.  We made out for a while and he took my number.  I don't care if he calls.

Saturday night I chatted up another guy at another bar.  He asked me for my number, too.  I'm very attracted to this one and wouldn't mind getting to know him. 

BOYS!

I'm limbo-single right now.  I have feelings for MDLL yet enjoy meeting new suitors.  It's funny, I finally see my lovepast in a positive light.  There were plenty of ups (penises) and downs (me crying over someone); thankfully I'm now able to laugh about it all and cherish the experience.  The more divorcees I meet, the happier I am my twenties were a time of growth, hedonism, and MEMEME.

For the first time in the 20 months I've known MDLL, I could really use a break.  I don't know if this means we're meant to be or not.  It weirded me out how excited I was by the Saturday night guy.  Can I love MDLL and be attracted to someone else?

I'm addicted to Googling relationship questions.  I found this link after searching "how do you know if he's the one?"  I took the quiz and the good news is MDLL passed all of them, except for the second one:  Are you more impressed by what he says rather than what he does?

The example they give doesn't fit our situation.  He is very good to me on the day to day things.  He says he loves me and he acts like it...except for the divorce.  When it comes to that, I am more impressed by what he says rather than what he does because he barely did anything.

At the bottom they have a GO NO FURTHER WITH HIM section.  This one bothered me: • You find yourself making excuses for him. Do you feel the need to tell friends that he's 'not always like that' or 'he's had a tough upbringing'? Do you downplay bad behaviour? STOP: Your friends are worried about you.

Again, it's always in regards to the divorce.  I never felt the need to make an excuse for his behavior on anything else.  When he fucks up, I admit he fucks up, and tell him so, end of story.

It's obvious MDLL is not The One right now at least.  No one is at the moment.  I need to be single for a while and enjoy it while I can!

Hate and Run

The text I want to write to MDLL: I hate you I hate you I hate you.   I also want to beat the crap out of an ex-friend, yell at a travel agent to book my relaxing vacation to either the Caribbean or Mexico which is ironically stressing me out, and run a marathon.

I haven't been this angry, upset, or what's the word for wanting to run away and escape...escapey, in a very long time. It's amazing how familar this feeling is, though. I used to always feel like this! I never thought emotions and thoughts can be like old friends, but here we are...

1. What is the point of telling MDLL I hate him? To hurt him. To contact him. To know he's alive. (For some reason I keep thinking he's dead.)

2. What is the point of punching the ex-friend? To hurt her. To use her as a punching bag to get out my MDLL pain and aggressions. To feel big, in control, strong, and powerful.

3. What is the point of yelling at a travel agent? "Computer says no..." (Little Britain reference.) There is no point. I'm having a hard time choosing where to go because:

a. I am feeling insecure and don't seem to trust I'll pick a good, safe, cheap place

b. I've never travelled out of the country alone. The thing is I am DYING to get out of town. I've done enough US travel the past few years. I'd love to just sit on a beach, not understand the locals, and chill.  I'm between Costa Rica, Puerto Rico, or the Bahamas.

c. I really want to go to Hawaii, but that was supposed to be OUR trip. Plus I only want to take a week off and that's not enough time.

d. I also really want to go Tibet, but again too far for a week's trip.

e. I'd like to pretend the money is no object, but it is. My budget is $1K, which is plenty if I can get a good deal.

f. I guess the alone thing also bothers me because I am single again. Farts.

So why the fuck do I want to go??

a. GET OUT OF ASTORIA

b. GET OUT OF NEW YORK

c. GET OUT OF THE STATES

d. Sit on a beach and do fucking NOTHING or possibly visit a rainforest, learn to surf, and do a zipline.

e. Juniper asked me if being alone would make me feel worse because my only companion would be my thoughts. If you haven't noticed, I LOVE MY THOUGHTS. If I could get paid to think about ME ME ME, I would. So no, I really don't mind being alone as long as I'm in a safe area.

Isn't this a horrible problem to have? "Oh nooooooo...I can't figure out where to take a nice vacation after I broke up with my boyfriend. Woe is meeeeeee.."

4. I have no desire to run a marathon. Ever. Luckily "running away" doesn't actually require running.

I'm back!

I was waiting on line at Chop't and the guy in front of me was TOTALLY my type - over six feet tall, at least 250 pounds, dark hair, pale skin with a Donovan vibe (the guy that started Thighs!). I noticed he was wearing a watch so I asked him what time it was to check if he had a ring on. He did. Poop.

I don't know for sure if the breakup crazy train has left the station yet. All I can say is I feel GREAT today. I'm not angry or sad at MDLL, just thoughtful and accepting. I guess all the positivity and wellness from the weekend has sunk in!

Dear truly single men of NYC over the age of 34 who are an attractive looking missing link,

I'm back, bitches!

Love,

Thighs

Good evening!

I am actually feeling pretty good! Maybe this break from drinking is working...

My plan is to keep busy, so I was going to see Morgan Spurlock's comic-con documentary tonight.  I ended up working late, enjoying some Mr. Softee, and chilling out at home instead.  I didn't cry once!

Yaaaaayy!!  One day at a time, right?

Free Fallin'

Weirdest thing yesterday.

I'm standing at the corner of 5th Ave somewhere in the 80s waiting for the light to change. A group of women were behind me. I crossed as soon as the traffic light turned red, heard a commotion and turned around. One of the women was laying on the ground, apparently having tripped off of the curb. Her friends helped her up, so I kept walking.

Fast forward two hours later, I'm exiting the 57th and 7th station. As I'm walking up the stairs I hear another commotion, a woman slightly scream, and see a man's head looking down. In my mind the man and woman bumped into each other, causing all of her paperwork to fall onto the sidewalk and fly away in the breeze. (Why anyone would be carrying paperwork is beyond me.) When I got to the top of the stairs, the woman was on the ground! She fell too!

It was so random. I was extra careful of my footing for the rest of the day.

Posing for Oprah

Yesterday I went for a walk/jog in Central Park, to an ayurvedic lecture at the Yoga Journal Conference, popped by the bar to see the crew for a bit (no drinking!), and went to a restorative yoga session at night. I'm practicing toddler therapy - I tire myself out all day, so that I crash as soon as I get home. It's working...I guess?

The minute I'm alone I cry, so I don't know if all of this positive bullshit is helping or not. I feel like a poser. I find self-abuse and destruction more appealing when I'm in a funk. I'd much rather drink myself into oblivion, eat my weight in cheese and crackers, and take up cutting rather than pretend I'm in the mood for this hippie dippie mumbo jumbo. Maybe pretending I'm at peace will bring me some sooner. In the words of the great Tyra Banks, "Fake it 'til you make it." I'll fake happy until I have the hap-hap-happiest life since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.

What was that, Oprah? What would I say to MDLL right now if I had the chance? I'm glad you asked. I would say..

MDLL, thank you for bringing love into my life. I wasn't sure I could love or be loved after all of these years and because of you I now know I can. I was angry last week because I felt like you took my chance at having a family away from me. I realize now you didn't. In fact, you gave me the gift of wanting one. I thank you for this, too.

All that being said, I fucking hate you. HATE. I hope you get food poisoning and live. I'm tempted to send you the link to my blog so you can read how your dickcunt inaction fucked my shit up. You'll probably hate me too once you know how much I've shared on here...and how many people I slept with! Oops! (Sidenote - gyno said the cooter is cootie free.)

So there. Is that the response you were looking for, Ms. my va-jay-jay is hurtin'? Yes. Good.

MANIC DEPRESSIVE GIGGLER.