There is no right. There is no wrong.

My mom is freaking out about me going on a solo vacation.  I've known this because she hasn't said a word about it.  FYI, when extremely talkative people don't mention something, it's because they don't agree with your point of view. Surprise!

Yesterday she finally emailed me asking if she can join.  "This trip is making me uneasy." "I'll leave you alone...I'll watch all of your stuff when you swim in the ocean...I won't even talk to you."

My mom is retired, so a lot of her time is spent worrying about Rippie and I.  It's annoying, which is ironic because it bothers me because I'M worried about HER stress levels.  Stupid.

We talk every morning on my way into work.  It started when I got sick last year and we've both grown to like it.  Unfortunately, if I don't call at my usual time she'll frantically call me, "Are you okay? Are you testing me? Why haven't you called?"  Yikes.

When I read her email about Florida I flipped out.  My knee-jerk reactionary email was something like this:

"Absolutely not.  I am 34 years old, begrudgingly single because you made me feel like shit about MDLL, and a consultant, which means you better get used to me traveling alone.

You wanted a strong, independent daughter.  Well you got one, so stop stressing and cut the cord.  I like our daily phone calls, but if talking this much is making you codependent we will need to take a break."

A few minutes later I wrote:

"Sorry, I shouldn't have responded right away."

What I really was sorry about was mentioning MDLL.  It's partly true, though.  While I absolutely blame him for dragging his feet on the divorce, my family added what I feel was unnecessary judgmental and hurtful stress to the situation.

They don't see it like this, though.  This was reiterated by the screaming match my mom and I had a couple of hours ago. Somehow this trip became about her, MDLL, and my life choices:

"Who in their right mind, male or female, travels alone in this day and age?"

"Maybe it's my fault you have such low self-esteem and stayed with MDLL for so long."

"You should print out your email and bring it to your therapist, see what she says."

She was yelling all of these things, so I started yelling back.  She hung up at some point, but my dad was still on, so I started yelling at him.  I told them to fuck off and thanks for nothing. It was a lovely old-school McGee Family screamfest that ended with me crying in bed for an hour.

I'm trying to retrain myself to believe there is no right or wrong when it comes to opinions and choices. It's really hard, but I feel like it helps me manage my reactions and expectations.

My mom is not right or wrong.  She loves me and is worried about my safety on this trip and my future with MDLL. Or any guy, really.  My mom has not found ways to manage her stress and anxiety.  She married young and is unable to relate to my lifestyle.

I am not right or wrong. I love my mom. I still have trouble calming down when she riles up the ragesnake. I love MDLL.  I am able to measure our relationship based on our shared intimate experiences, not on his drawn-out separation.  I know others can't do this, nor do they have to.  I do wish my mom would be supportive instead of hurt my feelings, though.

Deep breath.  I will not let this ruin my trip.

There is no right. There is no wrong.  There is only understanding.

Hermit the Log

This was THE BEST WEEK EVER! Know what I did? I will tell you:

Saturday I had an awesome day of bike riding and drinking with Janeypants. LOVE!

Sunday I napped, did yoga, and ate sushi.

Monday - Thursday I was a total hermit.  All I did was work, Florida trip planning, AND A PUZZLE. Ruth Clare totally took over this week! I've had this puzzle forever (college maybe?) and had yet to do it. It's a 550 piece picture of an underwater sea goddess scene. It's really pretty, but MAN is it hard! Is puzzle inadequacy a thing? I actually had to remind myself I was doing this for fun and not get frustrated. It was a real eye-opener for me. I love to learn yet I hate being bad at things, so basically I only want to be taught or practice what I'm naturally good at. Pisces!

I am SUPER excited my Florida trip. I kind of love how it's coming together a little at a time. Early morning next (!!) Saturday I'm flying to Miami to catch the 1pm Mets/Marlins game. I booked a hotel room in Miami Beach for two days. I'll probably spend the first night hanging out in North Miami Beach, then all the next day down in South Beach. I will be the one person under an umbrella wearing a hat, long sleeves and pants.

The only other finalized plan is on Wednesday the 16th. I will be in Tampa/St. Petersburg for the Salvador Dali museum and the Red Sox/Devil Rays game with my friends who live in Clearwater. I'm crashing at their place that night, then I'm flying to NJ the evening of the 17th. I decided to head down to Jackson for a day or two for my mom's birthday/mother's day and to help them clean out the basement. My parents kept everything I did not throw out myself. I'm definitely saving my Baby-Sitter Club books, but I'm not sure about any of my toys. I thought keeping all of my Barbies would be nice, but I don't want the Costco-sized Stay Free Maxi-Pad box they are in taking up space in my apartment. Maybe I'll save a couple and give the rest to charity instead...

So that leaves Monday the 14th and Tuesday the 15th up in the air. The drive from Miami to Tampa is pretty long, so I will most likely stop in the Fort Myers or Sanibel area for some more beach time. I'm going to finalize that part of the trip tonight. SO EXCITED!!

OH! I "broke up" with Saturday Night guy. We played phone tag last weekend, then he called Wednesday night. I told him he's a great guy (not really, just hot) but I don't feel single. Maybe if he blew me away with his personality I'd want to keep this going. Who knows, all I do know is I love MDLL and am excited to give our relationship a second chance (Seventeenth chance? Bygones.)

I guess that's it! Tonight is more trip planning and puzzling, maybe some shopping for summer threads. Tomorrow is Cinco de Metso and a few parties. Sunday is my Groupon archery lesson! WOOT! I must must MUST start running, too. June 9th 10K will be here soon!

TFSIF!*

This week was loooooooong, but good!

I heard from MDLL. He's going to Pittsburgh to finalize his divorce!!! I am so, SO happy for him. He will feel great once it's done. Me, well I'm not holding my breath, but I am glad he's finally going.

Saturday Night guy and I went out on Wednesday. He's hot. SUPER hot, like a sunnier Eric from True Blood hot. We went out for dinner and drinks in the neighborhood. It was okay. He's very personable and talkative, which was nice. He's not very funny, though. I don't think I laughed at all, except at my own jokes. Fa! He's not into sports either, which my chauvinistic side does not understand. You have a penis!

Did I mention he's HOT? I don't even like blonde guys, but he's smoking. Even the waitresses gave me the "nice job" look.  It was fun to have a trophy wife for a night.


We left it open and casual. When I got home I thought I'd go out with him again because he's so pretty, but now I don't think I will. One, I'm not ready. Two, he's meh. And three, going out with him made me realize I still want MDLL.

I will keep dating if I meet someone interesting. If MDLL and I are both single once his divorce is final, I will absolutely give him a second chance. I want to know what our relationship will be like without the elephant in the room. I want to make out with his face and have babies named Taco and Guac and live on a boat and eat cheese and color all day long.


Enough about boys...last night I saw Avengers with Juniper. IT IS SO FUCKING AWESOME! YOU MUST SEE IT AS SOON AS YOU CAN! It was glorious!! Tonight is pokher, tomorrow is bike riding and drinking with Janey, and Sunday I might use my archery Groupon and do some yoga.

AHH! Almost forgot, I booked my trip! I decided to go to Florida instead of the Caribbean or Mexico. I fly to Miami on the 12th for the Mets/Marlins game. On the 16th I'm going to Tampa to see a Rays game with my friend Palmio. I haven't booked my return flight yet, nor do I know what I'm going to do between the games, but I. AM. PSYCHED!

I am also a spending machine. Once I get back from vacation I am on financial lockdown. I went to therapy this week and told Cee how my old excessive drinking and spending habits are back ever since the breakup. Ironically it's a self-preserving AND self-destructing pattern. I am SUCH a Pisces...


Twas a good week, twis a good life, and twalways good times (even during the bad ones). Goody goody!


*Thank friggin' Shizza it's Friday!

Saturday Night Guy called!

Holy crap, he called and we are hanging out Wednesday.  SHOOTIN' FISH IN A BARREL.

My ego totally needs this.  Yay!!

All I really want is BOYS.

Friday night I chatted up a guy sitting next to me at the bar.  We made out for a while and he took my number.  I don't care if he calls.

Saturday night I chatted up another guy at another bar.  He asked me for my number, too.  I'm very attracted to this one and wouldn't mind getting to know him. 

BOYS!

I'm limbo-single right now.  I have feelings for MDLL yet enjoy meeting new suitors.  It's funny, I finally see my lovepast in a positive light.  There were plenty of ups (penises) and downs (me crying over someone); thankfully I'm now able to laugh about it all and cherish the experience.  The more divorcees I meet, the happier I am my twenties were a time of growth, hedonism, and MEMEME.

For the first time in the 20 months I've known MDLL, I could really use a break.  I don't know if this means we're meant to be or not.  It weirded me out how excited I was by the Saturday night guy.  Can I love MDLL and be attracted to someone else?

I'm addicted to Googling relationship questions.  I found this link after searching "how do you know if he's the one?"  I took the quiz and the good news is MDLL passed all of them, except for the second one:  Are you more impressed by what he says rather than what he does?

The example they give doesn't fit our situation.  He is very good to me on the day to day things.  He says he loves me and he acts like it...except for the divorce.  When it comes to that, I am more impressed by what he says rather than what he does because he barely did anything.

At the bottom they have a GO NO FURTHER WITH HIM section.  This one bothered me: • You find yourself making excuses for him. Do you feel the need to tell friends that he's 'not always like that' or 'he's had a tough upbringing'? Do you downplay bad behaviour? STOP: Your friends are worried about you.

Again, it's always in regards to the divorce.  I never felt the need to make an excuse for his behavior on anything else.  When he fucks up, I admit he fucks up, and tell him so, end of story.

It's obvious MDLL is not The One right now at least.  No one is at the moment.  I need to be single for a while and enjoy it while I can!

Hate and Run

The text I want to write to MDLL: I hate you I hate you I hate you.   I also want to beat the crap out of an ex-friend, yell at a travel agent to book my relaxing vacation to either the Caribbean or Mexico which is ironically stressing me out, and run a marathon.

I haven't been this angry, upset, or what's the word for wanting to run away and escape...escapey, in a very long time. It's amazing how familar this feeling is, though. I used to always feel like this! I never thought emotions and thoughts can be like old friends, but here we are...

1. What is the point of telling MDLL I hate him? To hurt him. To contact him. To know he's alive. (For some reason I keep thinking he's dead.)

2. What is the point of punching the ex-friend? To hurt her. To use her as a punching bag to get out my MDLL pain and aggressions. To feel big, in control, strong, and powerful.

3. What is the point of yelling at a travel agent? "Computer says no..." (Little Britain reference.) There is no point. I'm having a hard time choosing where to go because:

a. I am feeling insecure and don't seem to trust I'll pick a good, safe, cheap place

b. I've never travelled out of the country alone. The thing is I am DYING to get out of town. I've done enough US travel the past few years. I'd love to just sit on a beach, not understand the locals, and chill.  I'm between Costa Rica, Puerto Rico, or the Bahamas.

c. I really want to go to Hawaii, but that was supposed to be OUR trip. Plus I only want to take a week off and that's not enough time.

d. I also really want to go Tibet, but again too far for a week's trip.

e. I'd like to pretend the money is no object, but it is. My budget is $1K, which is plenty if I can get a good deal.

f. I guess the alone thing also bothers me because I am single again. Farts.

So why the fuck do I want to go??

a. GET OUT OF ASTORIA

b. GET OUT OF NEW YORK

c. GET OUT OF THE STATES

d. Sit on a beach and do fucking NOTHING or possibly visit a rainforest, learn to surf, and do a zipline.

e. Juniper asked me if being alone would make me feel worse because my only companion would be my thoughts. If you haven't noticed, I LOVE MY THOUGHTS. If I could get paid to think about ME ME ME, I would. So no, I really don't mind being alone as long as I'm in a safe area.

Isn't this a horrible problem to have? "Oh nooooooo...I can't figure out where to take a nice vacation after I broke up with my boyfriend. Woe is meeeeeee.."

4. I have no desire to run a marathon. Ever. Luckily "running away" doesn't actually require running.

I'm back!

I was waiting on line at Chop't and the guy in front of me was TOTALLY my type - over six feet tall, at least 250 pounds, dark hair, pale skin with a Donovan vibe (the guy that started Thighs!). I noticed he was wearing a watch so I asked him what time it was to check if he had a ring on. He did. Poop.

I don't know for sure if the breakup crazy train has left the station yet. All I can say is I feel GREAT today. I'm not angry or sad at MDLL, just thoughtful and accepting. I guess all the positivity and wellness from the weekend has sunk in!

Dear truly single men of NYC over the age of 34 who are an attractive looking missing link,

I'm back, bitches!

Love,

Thighs

Good evening!

I am actually feeling pretty good! Maybe this break from drinking is working...

My plan is to keep busy, so I was going to see Morgan Spurlock's comic-con documentary tonight.  I ended up working late, enjoying some Mr. Softee, and chilling out at home instead.  I didn't cry once!

Yaaaaayy!!  One day at a time, right?

Free Fallin'

Weirdest thing yesterday.

I'm standing at the corner of 5th Ave somewhere in the 80s waiting for the light to change. A group of women were behind me. I crossed as soon as the traffic light turned red, heard a commotion and turned around. One of the women was laying on the ground, apparently having tripped off of the curb. Her friends helped her up, so I kept walking.

Fast forward two hours later, I'm exiting the 57th and 7th station. As I'm walking up the stairs I hear another commotion, a woman slightly scream, and see a man's head looking down. In my mind the man and woman bumped into each other, causing all of her paperwork to fall onto the sidewalk and fly away in the breeze. (Why anyone would be carrying paperwork is beyond me.) When I got to the top of the stairs, the woman was on the ground! She fell too!

It was so random. I was extra careful of my footing for the rest of the day.

Posing for Oprah

Yesterday I went for a walk/jog in Central Park, to an ayurvedic lecture at the Yoga Journal Conference, popped by the bar to see the crew for a bit (no drinking!), and went to a restorative yoga session at night. I'm practicing toddler therapy - I tire myself out all day, so that I crash as soon as I get home. It's working...I guess?

The minute I'm alone I cry, so I don't know if all of this positive bullshit is helping or not. I feel like a poser. I find self-abuse and destruction more appealing when I'm in a funk. I'd much rather drink myself into oblivion, eat my weight in cheese and crackers, and take up cutting rather than pretend I'm in the mood for this hippie dippie mumbo jumbo. Maybe pretending I'm at peace will bring me some sooner. In the words of the great Tyra Banks, "Fake it 'til you make it." I'll fake happy until I have the hap-hap-happiest life since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.

What was that, Oprah? What would I say to MDLL right now if I had the chance? I'm glad you asked. I would say..

MDLL, thank you for bringing love into my life. I wasn't sure I could love or be loved after all of these years and because of you I now know I can. I was angry last week because I felt like you took my chance at having a family away from me. I realize now you didn't. In fact, you gave me the gift of wanting one. I thank you for this, too.

All that being said, I fucking hate you. HATE. I hope you get food poisoning and live. I'm tempted to send you the link to my blog so you can read how your dickcunt inaction fucked my shit up. You'll probably hate me too once you know how much I've shared on here...and how many people I slept with! Oops! (Sidenote - gyno said the cooter is cootie free.)

So there. Is that the response you were looking for, Ms. my va-jay-jay is hurtin'? Yes. Good.

MANIC DEPRESSIVE GIGGLER.

Perfect day, meh night.

Today was perfect.

I woke up at 9am and headed into the city soon after to buy a bathing suit.  I actually found one I liked! It's a little Ruth Clare, but it fits me nice.

I walked home across the Queensboro bridge scream-singing Someone Like You and Dog Days Are Over.  Someone Like You is getting the shit played out of it this week.  Apparently I like to kick myself when I'm down.  (It's Adele's grammy winning breakup song).  I must say it felt good to sing so loudly.  Sometimes you just gotta belt one out.

The bathing suit was needed for my first ever trip to a day spa.  I went to one for a massage once, but never for the sauna or pampering.  I needed it after this fuckball week.  

Breen and I met up in Flushing for a delicious Chinese lunch at Nan Xiang Dumpling House.  Michelin rated!  We then hopped into a cab and headed over to Spa Castle.

For $45 you get all-day access to their many pools and saunas.  Massages, facials, scrubs, treatments, food, and drinks are extra.  As soon as you enter the locker room, you must remove your shoes and put on   a t-shirt and pair of shorts provided by the spa.  You're given a wristwatch band that acts as your lockerkey and credit card.  It's pretty sweet that you don't need to carry anything the whole day!

Our first stop was a 10 minute chair massage to loosen us up.  We then headed up to the roof and pool-hopped for a while, jumping from hot ones, jet ones, and massage ones.  We grabbed a little snack and a drink (I had one daiquiri!) before heading to the saunas.  The temperatures ranged from 100 - 181 degrees!  I couldn't handle them for long, so we'd go from pool to sauna just to dry off.

Next up...naked swimming!  That's right, we went to the women's locker room where there were a few pools for skinny dipping only.  We stripped down, giggled while we checked each other out, and then hung with the other naked ladies in the woman's bathhouse.  I was a little nervous at first because I'm a chunker, but after a few seconds I didn't give a fuck.  There were so many different sized women that all of my insecurities went away.  I felt so free.

After nudie time we went for a 30 minute foot massage.  Sooooo nice.  Afterwards we took one more skinny dip, showered, and headed home.  On the way we stopped at Tortilleria Nixtamal, one of my favorite places to eat.  Best shrimp tacos EVER.  I even challenge the West Coast on this one.

Again, today was perfect.

Now that I'm home by myself, I feel a bit meh.  I'm trying to not think about MDLL, but it's hard.  I guess I should just let it rip, so that I can get over him sooner.  UGH.

Fortunately I am pretty beat from my day of relaxation, so I'll probably go to bed soon.  Tomorrow's plans - run in the park, Ayurvedic lecture, restorative yoga with massage in the evening.  This is a pretty great Me weekend.  I need it.

Pathetic is...

Googling this.

I'm between 5 and 7 right now.

I was waiting for Jesus to show up in one of those panels.

Mania over.

I had a massive panic attack a few hours ago.  Thanks to Bakes, some deep breaths, and a good cry in my boss's office (she's never here), I feel much better.

Panic attacks are bittersweet.  They are horrible. This is it, this is when I lose all sense of reality, my brain folds into itself and the world will go black.

The sweet part is an epiphany usually follows.  I've been able to reach my Aha! moments without hitting bottom for a while now, but this time I lost my balance.

It was baby-sitting.  I had a glimpse into my future with MDLL and I liked it.  I really did.  I never thought I'd want a family until I met him, so knowing this isn't going to happen threw me for a loop. For a fruitloop, really.  Right now I can't imagine wanting a family with anyone else.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Take that!

I unfriended him.  Ha! Take that, asshole.

I know I am being ridiculous today.  Rem and I went for a walk earlier.  I took off my shoe and beat a moving truck with it. 

I am blowing up Thighs so that I don't blow up on MDLL.  I WANT TO TAKE HIS FACE AND PUNCH IT UNTIL I CAN USE IT AS SILLY PUTTY, PUT IT ON A COMIC STRIP, AND STRETCH OUT BLONDIE'S BOOBS REEEEALLLL BIG.

I WISH THERE WERE SUPER CAPS LOCKS TO SHOW YOU EXACTLY HOW MUCH I HATE HIM AND I HATE THE WORLD AND I NEVER EVER WANT TO DATE ANYONE EVER AGAIN.

This was a horrible week to get my period.

Poor next guy

You know what I just realized???  The last two guys I super, DUPER liked were Banana and MDLL.

Banana lied about not being in a serious relationship.  They are now married with a kid.

MDLL omitted the fact he was still legally married.

I feel really bad for the next guy I date.  "Hi, I'm Thighs. Can you prove to me you are single? Can you sign this legal document stating you are in fact, not dating anyone seriously and are not actively married and/or separated?"

FUUUUUUUUUCCKKK.  I give up.

Kids!

In nicer news...

Last night I baby-sat Tron's lovely daughters, Macie and Sydney.  They are adorable, smart, and affectionate little ladies.  The Tron fam are vacationing in NYC this week, so after work I took them to the playground in Central Park, then we went back to the hotel and watched Enchanted before mom and dad came home.

A few things:

The sister dynamic is so foreign to me.  Growing up I had a few girlfriends with sisters and it seemed to be horribly competitive.  Shite, I grew up feeling Rippie was the better kid and he's a boy. 

Watching young sisters, it amazed me how Sydney (age 4) was determined to do everything Macie (age 7) did.  She climbed up on the monkey bars, shaking in fear, and refused to let me help her.  It was nice to see this side of sisterhood, where the oldest empowers the youngest to do things.  Maybe this is the same with all siblings, but I haven't seen it yet because my NYC friends' second children are still babies.  Also, they are all boys and, as sexist as this sounds, I feel like boys will always help each other. Girls, I don't know.  Girls can be mean, especially to their sisters.  I hope Macie and Sydney keep their loving and respectful relationship forever.

Get this.  NYC singles are douchebags!!  In the three blocks we walked to the park, we were cutoff, run over, and given dirty looks by all the childless (I assume) twenty and thirty somethings we passed.  I have never felt more shunned in this city in my life!  I have a whole new perspective on what having kids is like here.  I myself have rolled my eyes when I see some poor helpless mother pushing a stroller with two kids on either side, thinking "You're an idiot. Live in the suburbs." but now I get it.  Parents have every right to live here, too!!  Their kids will probably be cooler for it!

Even walking by bar windows I felt almost, I don't know, less than maybe?  Like I was missing out on the fun, even though I was having a blast with the girls and had no desire to drink with the boring suits in the bar.  It was an odd feeling...is this what parenthood is like?  Loving your kids, but missing your freedom?  I WAS ONLY WITH THEM FOR THREE HOURS!

I was nervous about taking the kids out in the city.  What the hell do I know? Macie said, "We can't walk yet, there's a red hand."  Note to self, don't jaywalk with children.  Another note, don't offer something unless you know they can have it.  A horse drawn carriage went by and I said, "Oh maybe we can do that!" without thinking.  It was $60. We didn't do it. Luckily Macie's a cool kid and didn't mind.

Tron, your girls rule.  I had a lot of fun with them.

Self, we'd be a good mom.  I think one is enough, though. Lauren Marie McGee, I really hope we get to meet one day soon.

My mom's NOT an asshole.

For all the shitty shit my mom did in the past, she's come a long way.  I spoke to her this morning about MDLL.  She wrote me such a nice email that I had to share it:

Sometimes you have to stop and realize just how fortunate you’ve been – especially when you are feeling down and out:

You always wanted to live in the city;

You have many friends (old and new);

Your health has improved immensely from last year;

You are going to yoga, you run;

You took a chance with a new job (one that has supported you through your tough time last year) – one that’s rewarded you financially twice so far;

You had a loving relationship with someone – something you couldn’t imagine having previously;

You’ve actually considered marriage and motherhood –something you wouldn’t have chosen for yourself previously;

You gave all you possibly could – but you had to “lovingly” let go so MDLL could grow as a person/man;

You now know how a parent feels – when they have to “let go” and pray their child “does the right thing” and doesn’t get hurt;

You’ve realized you can’t make a decision or finalize a divorce for MDLL – that he has to grow and make that commitment forhimself (and it has nothing to do with you);

It’s not easy realizing you have no control over this;

And yes, you will feel strong enough to get back out there and see what fate has in store for you! 

Maybe not today…but definitely soon…

You are loved by your parents, brother and friends. And you are loved by MDLL as only he can at this time in his life.  But it’s not something you should lower your expectations to as much as he has to step up and go forward with his life, and fully participate in your relationship – without any strings attached.

Love you and are very proud of you – you will be stronger after all this!!

I'm an asshole.

I am fucking miserable. MISERABLE. The minute I decided to not drink and face the pain of this breakup, I began to feel everything. I'm trying to tough it out, but it's not easy. This fucking blows.

If I drink I will call him and make this harder. It will also further delay the mourning period. Maybe I should smoke pot instead.

MDLL joked the other night he should keep me drunk, so that I want to see him. He'd be better off doing so because when I'm sober I fucking hate him. FUCKING HATE HIM.

Why the fuck did he do this?? Why couldn't he just man up and break it off a year ago and admit he's not ready for a serious relationship??

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I just realized he DID say this, but he didn't act like it. Well, except for not getting divorced.

FUUUUUUUUUCK. I'm such an asshole.

Giving thanks...

I am grateful I finally experienced love...even if it is a soul-eating, nauseating mindfuck.

15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

I love this article.  Thanks Juniper!


Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:


1. Give up your need to always be right.There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. Give up your need for control. Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. Give up on blame. Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk. Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.

“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

5. Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!

“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle

6. Give up complaining. Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

7. Give up the luxury of criticism. Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.

8. Give up your need to impress others. Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take of all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.

9. Give up your resistance to change. Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell

10. Give up labels. Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer

11. Give up on your fears. Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. Give up your excuses. Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

13. Give up the past. I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

14. Give up attachment. This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another,  attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves.  You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

Fuck Jury Duty Part 2

Yay! I don't have to serve, nor was I thrown in jail!

After six hours of waiting around, the remaining 11 of us were finally called to sit in the jury box for questioning.  When it was my turn the judge said, "Thighs McGee. Where were you born?"  I replied with, "Do I have to give personal information in front of the defendant?" The whole courtroom stared at me.  The judge said, "Not at all. I'll ask you afterwards in private."

Yay!

When the judge was done with his questioning, the district attorney asked us as a group, "Will everyone here give this man a fair trial and be able to convict him if proven guilty?"

I thought about it.  The lawyers had nothing to go on, except for the plaintiff's and defendant's word. I know this because all day they spoke of mistaken identity and the lack of tangible evidence.  It was a he said/he said trial.  

It's interesting the judge made all of us sit in the courtroom to listen to the jury selection process.  When I actually had my eyes open, they burned into the back of the defendant's big bald head.  I wondered what kind of man is mistaken for an armed robber.  Was he at the wrong place at the wrong time?  Does he have a familiar looking face and build?  Was the victim inebriated or out for revenge?  Did this man actually do it?

As I wrote in my last post, the only other time I had jury duty the whole experience was disturbing.  The charges, the pictures, the creeps in the courtroom.  The ironic thing is I had a somewhat easy experience before the trial.  I don't remember feeling like cattle or wasting my entire day trying to stay awake.  I must have been picked in the first round or something.  Anyways, I guess I never admitted to myself how much that first case bothered me.  It took going back to the courthouse for me to remember.  It made me angry (as if you couldn't tell from Part 1).

The idea I could possibly send an innocent man to jail or a guilty man home angered and scared me.  The fact jurors don't seem to have any rights or protection infuriated me.  The way every other juror bent over and accepted this treatment ticked me off.  And worst of all, I already felt like the defendant was guilty just by being there.  Mistaken identity my ass. 

That's when it hit me.  I can't do it, I don't want to do it, so I won't do it.

I said, "No, I already decided this man is guilty, so I do not believe I will give him a fair trial nor am I comfortable having the fate of someone's life in my hands."  Everyone stared at me again.  The prosecutor thanked me for my honesty and both lawyers ignored me for the rest of interviews.  The judge didn't even bother getting my information.

When it was over one of the guards led us out and said we don't have to come back.  I almost hugged him.  I went from being LIVID to being elated.  Manic!

This will be my answer every time I'm selected for a criminal case.  I judged the defendant without knowing him or the evidence.  This was wrong of me. The good news is my quick judgement will not affect his future.  Yes, if he is guilty I could have helped put him away, but there's no guarantee the d.a. had enough evidence.

No thanks, bub.

Fuck Jury Duty Part 1

This morning I didn’t mind going to jury duty despite having to sit on a disturbing Law and Order type case a few years ago.   Now jury duty can go fuck itself.

I don’t recall any of this when I had it last time:

1.  You’re treated like ignorant cattle in the Central Jury waiting room. The court employees yell at you to “MOVE DOWN.” “SINGLE FILE.” “NO PHONES.” like you’re deaf, dumb, and mentally challenged.  Granted there are many different languages spoken in Queens, but THE LOUDER YOU SPEAK DOESN’T MEAN PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND YOU BETTER.

2.  After sitting in one room for two hours, fifty of us were picked to go to the courtroom.  We all had to sit and listen to the judge and two lawyers ask half of us questions in the jury box.  Why the fuck we all had to be in there was beyond me.  A miserably boring waste of our time.

3.  The WORST part is the judge asked each potential juror personal questions IN FRONT OF THE DEFENDANT. I can understand the lawyers want to know our demographics for a diverse group of jurors, but whose idea was it to let the alleged criminal hear these things??  Are you out of your fucking mind?  Actual questions:
   a. Where were you born?
   b. Where do you live? Private home or apartment?  Rent or own? How long?
   c. What do you do for a living?
   d. Are you married? If so, what does your spouse do?
  e. Do you have children that work?  If so, what do they do?

4.  On that note, why the FUCK do jurors have to be out in the open? What about our safety? Why can’t we sit behind a one-way mirror or something? To this day I swear we were abruptly let out of my last case because our lives were in danger. That was a murder, drug, and hostage situation.  And they allowed the defendant’s thug friends in the courtroom!  I swear they were studying us.  Scary shit!!  The only thing that made me feel better was my hair was red at the time, so I wouldn’t be easily recognizable once I went back to blonde.

5.  I probably shouldn’t say this because I technically work for lawyers now, but they are all sleazy douchebags.  While I love Matlock and understand innocent people are convicted of crimes, defense attorneys can rot in hell.  This one actually made the analogy that if someone lies you stole their pen, the plantiff can lie the defendant didn't rob them at knife point in the subway.  How do these fuckers look themselves in the mirror?  I'm sorry, I know it should be "innocent before proven guilty", but I don't know if I can always believe it.  That's why I'm not a lawyer.

I called my mom to let her know she may need to bail me out when it's my turn to speak. I am going to give these fuckers a piece of my mind. So this is part 1 of today's jury duty experience.  Hopefully part 2 isn't written after a night in jail.

Pleasure vs. Pain

I feel worse about MDLL now than I did when we officially broke up.  We agreed to not contact each other at all until he files.  Yes, that's the way it should have been the last three weeks, but it wasn't.  Neither of us really want to be broken up, so all it takes is for me to ask and we're back together.

I've gone through a zillion different thoughts and emotions about it.  Do I love him, do I not love him, is he the one, am I the one, will he still want to be with me once his divorce is final, will his divorce ever be final, do I want to be with someone who is a thinker and not a doer, what do I value most in a relationship, what happens if he dies tomorrow and we're wasting time being apart...I can keep going.  I probably will in a future post.

My decision to stop drinking is not only to prevent me from contacting MDLL, but also to make me feel the pain of being without him.  Bacon wrote yesterday she's confused as to why I work so hard at getting healthy, bettering myself, and being kind to people, yet haven't tried to make these breakups constructive.  I realize now it's pain avoidance.

The pain of being sick makes me want to be healthy.

The pain of feeling depressed makes me fight to find the happiness within.

The pain I experience when I see hate, disrespect, and ignorance makes me want to be loving, kind, educated, and open-minded.

The problem with MDLL is I haven't truly felt pain when we are together.  It's only when we're apart that I want to shoot myself.  While he has hurt and disappointed me, the pleasure of loving him and enjoying the good times outweighs the pain of the bad.

How do I retrain myself to believe this breakup is pleasurable?  Or if not pleasurable, at least favorable and beneficial to our relationship in the long term?  Logically I know it is; he needs to get divorced so we can stop fucking dealing with it and move on.  My heart isn't there yet though...and it hurts.

Fart Love

Bad habits, too.

Now that I am no longer struggling with my health, I'm picking up my old bad habits again. I am binge eating and drinking. Not good.

Last year I feared eating the wrong thing, getting sick, and losing my life. I used that fear to get answers and to get healthy. I didn't lose weight and quit drinking because I was disciplined - I was terrified.

Both the fear and the motivation to stay healthy is gone. This weekend I blew it out like I was in my 20s again. I drank like a fish almost every night: Thursday night I was drunk after six vodka/sodas, Friday night I was wasted from at least four shots of jaeger and nine ciders, Saturday I was "good" with only two vodka drinks, and yesterday I got hammered from pretty strong bloody marys, vodka/sodas, and more shots of jaeger. Oh yes, friends who brunched with me yesterday...I went out after we left Hugs' place.

Where did I go? To find MDLL. I went to his apartment, the Crazy Ass, and another bar down the street. I was so shitfaced I don't remember too much, but I ended up staying over his place. I did this once in college with PJ, hunted him down in a drunken stupor until I gave up and went home. That's exactly how I feel right now, like a binge drinking broken-hearted confused 21 year old. I need to grow the fuck up.

The only way I can ensure I won't hang out with MDLL again is to stop drinking.

The only way I will keep healthy is if I find a new motivator. Fear is a powerful one, but I know now it's temporary. Who wants to live in fear for the rest of their lives? I certainly don't. I've decided the next best motivator is love. I love myself, I love my life, I love my family and friends. All signs are pointing to something good down the road. A new and positive lifepath is forming and I want to be healthy enough to enjoy the journey down it.

New habits for my brainhole

I'm missing MDLL a lot today. This SUUUUUCKS.

To take my mind off of him and feel more in control of my life, I decided to create some new habits.

1. Hang my coat and throw my shoes in the closet as soon as I walk in

2. Wash my dishes before I go to bed

3. Bring my breakfast and lunch at least three days a week. No joke, I've been spending almost $20 a day on food.

4. Juniper inspired me to cook chicken last night for dinner and now I'm eating some for lunch. I never tried organic chicken before. My word it is delicious! Three meaty breasts (heh) of Heartland Home Foods brand was about $10. It is pricey, but the freshness and taste is worth it.

5. Nighttime regime - floss, eye cream, face and decolletage cream.

6. Chakra blast every morning. It's like a Care Bear Stare for each one. I don't know if it's a thing to do or not, but I made it up this morning and felt fantastic.

7. Exercise at least four days a week. I gained some weight back now that I'm not afraid of food anymore. I'm now 168. I don't really care about the scale as long as I feel good. If MDLL and I end up getting back together I want to look awesome for Hawaii!

8. Stop buying Groupons. This Groupho needs to slow her roll for a bit. I have a ton to take me through September, so there's no need to stock up again. I doubt I'll get to use my Krav Maga classes since they are always full. Oops. If you happen to notice one that I will absolutely love, please forward!!

9. Learn about investments. There are very few things in life that make me nervous to do myself and making investment decisions is one of them. My main priority right now is to have a three month emergency fund should I get laid off. I also want to consolidate the little I have in 401Ks from previous jobs to one 401K, then open a separate Roth IRA.

I think that's it. Must keep brainhole busy!

Boobs

Today's IM with Bella:

( o ) ( o )

( O ) ( O ) - silver dollar

( ^ ) ( ^ ) - cold

(  o) (o ) - cross eyed torso

(o ) ( o) - bad plastic surgery

( * ) ( * ) - pasties

( # ) ( # ) - nipple bandaids for runners and/or women with permaheadlights

< o > < o > - alien

{o} {o} - wrinkly old lady

o  o - men and/or flat-chested women

(  )  (  ) - Barbie

Happy Monday!

I am so glad last week is over. I had a mini-bout with depression this weekend. I know I was depressed because there were plenty of good things to be happy about yet I was still blue. All I wanted to do was hide under the covers. I had to force some fun...

Friday night I stayed in and watched Game of Thrones. It's a fantastic show. I never considered myself a prude (I don't think anyone has), but holy hell do these characters fuck a lot. Enough to make me blush! It reminds me of a medieval True Blood because of all the sex and death, although GoT is by far a better scripted, directed, and acted show. The last two episodes blew me away.

Saturday morning I caught up on New Girl. Such a funny show. I'm indifferent about Zooey Deschanel at this point. Like Zach Galifianakis and Michael Cera, she plays the same character over and over. At least they know their strengths. The supporting cast is the best. I consistently laugh out loud over her roommates' shenanigans, especially Nick's. I was dying at the end of last week's episode.

Saturday afternoon I had an eye doctor appointment. I wanted to murderdeathkill everyone. Nothing bad happened, I was just angry, cranky, and sad. I hated the world.  I begrudingly went to yoga with Juniper around 5pm. I've gone to this class once before and I really enjoy it, I just wasn't in the mood. Afterwards she cooked me a lovely dinner while we chatted it up. I had a great time hanging out, but once I got home I was miserable again. To snap out of it, I finally got around to watching The Misfits. It's a UK show about a raunchy fucked up group of teen thugs who randomly get superpowers. The first episode ruled, can't wait to watch the rest.

I hadn't slept well all week and Saturday was no different. I went to bed around midnight, woke up at 2am for a while, then woke up at 7am and couldn't go back to sleep. I got up and went food shopping, then headed to the city for brunch with Juniper and my Company girlfriends. I love our brunches; I wish we did them more often!! I snapped out of my mood for a bit, then the lazy shut-in feeling came and I wanted to go to bed. Unfortunately I signed up for another yoga class, so I begrudingly went to this one too.

WELL, I am so glad I did!!! It was a Chakra yoga class that focuses on opening one chakra per week. I was hoping for the heart chakra (for obvious reasons) and we did!  In therapy, Cee taught me how to focus on my emotions by looking within.  I used this practice during yoga meditation by finding the sadness and honing in on it. I finally figured out what made me depressed all weekend...I felt like everything was out of my control.

Last year I did everything I possibly could to find answers and get healthy. Last week was the first time in a while I had stressors not in my control.  On top of MDLL sadness, I was hit with bad allergies, the job scare, and crappy weather.  All of these things are out of my hands.

Maybe it's fear of the unknown.  Maybe I'm controlling. It's uncomfortable for me to admit the latter. It sounds so negative. Truthfully I can't imagine not being somewhat controlling when you're single.  How would anything get done otherwise?

Once I recognized the sadness and let it go, I felt better instantly. The cloud lifted and life was bright. In fact, I feel so much better now that it was hard for me to write about NOT feeling good over the weekend. It's like it never happened.

Happy Monday folks! I hope we all have a healthy and positive week ahead.

Black, white, pink

There's an adorable character named Rue in The Hunger Games.  I don't want to spoil anything for you, so I'll just say I love her.

In the movie she is played by a black girl.  I didn't recall her being black in the book, so I thought it was a nice change for the movie.  She was perfect and I like when there's mixed nationalities in a cast.

Apparently some racist fucktards did NOT appreciate this.  These idiots were actually tweeting about how the movie was ruined, how dare they have a n-word as Rue, and some other awful shit.  It's so awful I won't even post the article. I will never, ever understand people like this.

Yesterday I had a gynecologist appointment with a different doctor than usual, let's call her Davis.  Now I could have sworn I've seen Davis before, so I had a mental image of a skinny gray-haired granola looking white woman.

Dr. Davis ended up being a young, cool black woman.  I am 99% sure I was a bit jarred by this because I thought she was going to be an old hippie.  Having a complete stranger with their hand up your junk is odd to begin with, even moreso when you think it's going to be a different complete stranger.  It's kind of liking chugging a glass of vodka because you thought it was water.

I will admit I was 1% taken aback because I don't think I've ever had a black doctor.  It didn't matter because she was very helpful and um, thorough.  I told her I'd like to have a kid before I'm 40 and she gave me advice on what vitamins to take and lifestyle changes to make to help stay fertile.  (Baby fever.)  While I did like her, I really like my usual doctor so I'm not sure if I'll see Dr. Davis again. AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE SHE'S BLACK.

I thought of the Rue tweets.  If these fucking imbeciles were upset a black actress was portraying a beloved character, what the hell would they have done if a black doctor walked into their examining room??  I'm assuming these racist fucks live in states where minorities wouldn't want to treat their schmucky white illnesses anyways.

FMI (for my information...and yours now too):


US Census Bureau:
  American Indian and Alaska Native persons  0.9%
  Asian persons  4.8%
  Black persons  12.6%
  Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander  0.2%
  Persons of Hispanic or Latino origin  16.3%
  White persons not Hispanic  63.7%

Wow. In NYC there are so many different skin colors in one subway car that I forget the rest of the country has no idea how wonderful a melting pot can be.

I wonder if the category of White was expanded to break down different nationalities (Italian, Irish, Russian, Polish, etc.) people will realize there's variety even in their small podunk town.  The joke is I barely know anyone who is 100% one race.  I'm Irish, German, French, and who knows what else. I guess racists don't see it like this though, as long as your skin colors stays the same.

I declare myself Pink anyways.

Frieday

I made it through this week! Yay!  Updates:

Job worries were premature.  I know my coworker was looking out for me so I'm not mad at her.  I just wish she didn't warn me during an already sensitive and stressful for week.

I spoke to my boss and she indeed gave me a 10% raise (!!), added me to their health insurance, wants my input on the new company logo and website, and invited me to Rochester for training and strategizing.  It sounds to me like I'm in the clear for a while, but I want to be prepared for the worst.  Instead of putting the raise money to my debt, I'm going to start a savings.  I'm also going to update my resume, my LinkedIn profile, and put some feelers out.  Rockstar was always good about looking at job postings even when she was satisfied with her current gig.  Methinks I need to pick up the habit.

Wednesday night with MDLL was surreal.  The whole day was, really.  I kept feeling like I was dreaming when we were talking.  Maybe I was...

Thursday night I went to an open bar work party and a late night after-party.  I made out with Rem.  WHAAAA???

Rem and I have become really close the past year.  I liked him immediately, but at the time I was seeing The Gentleman and MDLL.  When I told Rem I liked him he said he doesn't date people he works with.  Naturally, I took that as he wasn't interested so we became lunchtime walk buddies and good friends instead.

Jedi-sluts have a couple of powers.  One, we always know if we can hook up with someone.  Two,  we smell our own.  I know when a guy is a player and a girl is a fellow floosie.  I'm also pretty good at guessing which girls would rather give head than have sex during a casual encounter.  I'm the opposite, I'd rather rack up the belt notches and use a rubber rather than stick a raw wiener in my mouth.

I always knew Rem and I would kiss one day.  I did not know he has been wanting to for a long time.  He said so many nice things to me - how special I am, how I'm one of his favorite people, how he's glad we're friends.  I gotta say my ego really needed the boost.  Finally around midnight the last coworker left and he and I kissed.  It was fun, hot, exciting, and most likely never going to happen again. Rem wants to date a nice Jewish girl, never wants to get married, and hates kids. Hates them. It would never work out.

More importantly, I love MDLL.  I know it sounds like bullshit considering I just made out with someone else.  I don't know what to say. I am single, I liked Rem for a while, and I'm glad we smooched.  He wanted to do more (they always do), but I declined.  I can't imagine being intimate with anyone right now.

Serious Relationship 101 Q&A (I need you for the A):

Is it okay to be mad at someone you love?

Is it okay to still want to be with someone who hurt you?

How do you know when it's irreparable?

As mad and hurt as I am by MDLL, I still love him and am still thinking about our future together, specifically how I hope we get to meet the kids I've envisioned in my mind.  Is it possible I'm not in love with MDLL, but have baby fever?

Say he gets divorced and we try again in a couple of months.  He promised me he'll be more proactive and never hurt me again.  How do we measure this?  Or I guess, how do I not constantly measure it?  If I ask MDLL to take out the garbage and he doesn't do it for a week, how do I stop myself from thinking "FUCK, here we go again."  Or on his side, will he feel the need to yes me to death in fear of another breakup?

This relationship has been all about him up until now.  Does MDLL like me? Will he call? Is he ready for his divorce? Is he ready for a serious relationship?  Is/will/does he he he he he he... When will it be about me and my needs?  Do I get a chance to be a fuck up or will I always be the glue?  To clarify, I don't plan on fucking up, I just mean when do I get a break from carrying the load?

I realize now the hardest thing about being single isn't finding guys, it's managing everything I've been told about dating and relationships:

Don't be a doormat and don't be a bitch
Don't be too clingy and don't be too unavailable
Don't be a Stepford Wife and don't be a Feminist
Don't settle and don't be too picky
He should treat you like a queen, yet don't have unrealistic expectations
Don't date a separated man, but go ahead, date a separated man

I can go on forever!  At 34 years old, I've heard it all.  I wish I hadn't.  All that shit can cloud my judgment if I let it.

Don't go back to MDLL when his divorce is final because he doesn't deserve you.

Go back to MDLL when his divorce is final because he was going through some serious shit and now he's better than ever.

Do this, don't do that.  All I can really do is wait and see...

Today's highlights

1.  Feel good enough to go to office.

2.  Feel sad about MDLL.

3.  Get a call from coworker who said I should start looking for a job.  Apparently my bosses are struggling to sign a new client for May. It is quite a blow.

4.  Go to bathroom and cry.  I could handle breaking up with MDLL and losing my job, but not in the same week.

5.  Work for three more hours.  Call mom as I walk home.  "Didn't your boss say she was giving you a raise, health insurance, and sending you to Vegas in June?" "Yes, yes she did."

6.  Hang up with mom as I walk down stairwell to 59th and Lex station.  Start tearing up because all I wanted was a hug from MDLL.

7.  Walk to platform, stop, look to right.  MDLL is two people away from me.  In the nineteen months I've known him, we've only bumped into each other on the subway twice.  The other time was Valentine's Day.

8.  He hugs me.  I cry, he tears up, we take the subway to Queens together.   He walks me home, stops in front of my building and starts sobbing.  I invite him up.

9.  We spend the next couple of hours crying and talking.  We did not hook up.  We did not get back together.  

10.  Call mom again.  I cry.  I know I'll get through all of this, but it hurts.

11.  Hang up with mom.  Check work email.  Look at April's paystub.

12.  I got a 10% raise. What the what??

13.  Write this post.  

14.  Go to bed and put this ridiculous day behind me.

Change Sick Busy Bibles

Blogger changed their look for the first time since I've been using it. I had no idea how much I hate change until my social websites started getting fancy.

I'm home with bad allergies today. Yesterday my eyes were on fire! I feel much better after sleeping in, although my head feels like it's in a vice. Pat Kiernan said allergies are worse than ever because of the mild winter. I swear the minute he said that, I got sick. Damn you PK!

Actually that's not true. I WENT FOR A RUN Wednesday morning and wasn't dressed appropriately for the damp spit-rain. I didn't wear a warm enough coat yesterday either. The wind was amazing though. My hair had so much body! Ha!

Of course, I don't ever seem to be healthy when MDLL and I break up. Is it break-up or break up? I write both. I'm not sick-sick, so I don't think it's stress or heartache related. It's simply crazy New York weather related.

I went for a walk earlier and bought five mega-millions tickets. Can you imagine winning over $300 million? Shit fool. If I win I will give you each a dollar.

I'm sitting at my laptop ready to work, but methinks I'll watch Game of Thrones instead. I'm trying to keep myself busy the next few weeks because I know at some point I will break down about MDLL.

This week - Krav Maga, yoga, and Game of Thrones

Next week - drinks with Breen, a play called Don't Dress for Dinner with Jess, and Bacon's birthday drinks/Nada Surf concert

Following week - more Krav Maga (I have a five class Groupon) and then my newest tackle, reading the Bible.

Yes, THE Bible.

All of these fanatic right-wing conservative assholes are fucking up my relationship with my Episcopalian roots. I do not follow Catholic/Christian religion for three reasons: women's rights, gay rights, and because the crazy judgmental biblethumpers scare the shit out of me.

My mom is very religious. She's cool, fun, nuts, manic, crass, and very devoted to her faith. She believes homosexuality is an abomination because the word of God says so, although she does think there should be a separation of church and state. I don't like her for blindly following what the Bible says, but I am glad she realizes the Catholic church should not be laying down the law.

I couldn't give a shit who you fuck as long as your are a good person. I am confused as to why a gay man would want to get married at a church and before a God who doesn't respect his choices, though. If I were gay (being a boob girl doesn't count), the last place I'd want to get married is in a Catholic church. I doubt I'll get married in a church anyways...

SO, I'm going to read the Bible with as much of an open mind as I can. It will be hard because I am a fanatic left-wing liberal non-asshole, but I will try. Plus it will keep my mind off of MDLL. I hope.

Warn the reds.

We broke up on Saturday. I know, I know. We always break up and I always go back. I’m not going to say this time is different. I don’t know if it’s different, but I want it to be.

It all hit me last Wednesday. MDLL got snippy when I asked for a divorce update. I let it go because we had a few drinks in us, but it pissed me off. I was angry when I woke up the next day, then broke down at Rosa Mexicano with the ladies that night. I told him off in an email Friday, then called him Saturday to end it. I screamed and cursed, something I was hoping to never have to do because I don’t want to be like my mom. He pushed me to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore, where the only words left to say were “fucking” and “asshole”. It was long overdue.

Saturday I saw the Hunger Games (I LOVED it. Same story, but a different approach. Totally complemented the book.) then got DRUNK. Super drunk. Drunker than I’ve been in a long time. I don’t know how much vodka or shots I did or how many tacos I ate on my way home, but it must have been a lot considering my bed was covered in vomit the next day. Yeah, that’s right. I puked in my sleep. I’m not proud, but I’m glad it happened. The urge to get fucked up and drink the pain away is gone. I’ve come too far to throw my health away now.

He called yesterday and we had a much more civil break-up conversation. He feels awful, he said he’ll move forward as soon as possible, and he’s afraid he’ll lose me forever. I told him he threw it all away by bullshitting me for the last four months. It’s not about him being married, it’s about him not following through. He supposedly wants to get divorced, loves me, and wants to marry me, yet STILL couldn’t take care of business. This is a problem. A big problem if I hope to have a happy and healthy future with him. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me or take advantage, but he continued to do both. I never understood the phrase “sometimes love isn’t enough”. I do now. I have no doubt in my mind MDLL loved me. I know I loved him. It wasn’t enough.

I’m doing okay today. I feel strong. I’m proud I tried, I’m proud I was kind, understanding and patient, and I’m extremely proud I opened myself up to love after all of these years. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to get back out there again, but I will, one day. Gingerquest!

The Elephant

I hit my wall. The client's go-live (which means they officially dumped their old system for the new one) was Monday. Things are going pretty well! I'm excited for this project to be over. Antsy, even. It's funny, I used to get like this at my other jobs but for the first time ever I don't actually have to quit. I don't WANT to quit! Today my bosses asked me to give input on the new company logo and website. How cute is that? I was worried I'd hate working at a small company, but it's perfect. I'm involved and appreciated. That's all I've ever wanted!

I've been running on work-adrenaline all month. I've worked 20 days straight, which is a lot for me. I started coming down from my high Wednesday night. I cannot WAIT to go home and do nothing this weekend.

Despite the crazy workage I've had a good birthday month!

St. Patty's Day was a blast. My taco-love quadrupled after finally trying Guelaguetza. HOLYBALLS. Delicious. MDLL and I decided we're going to Hawaii some time in the fall. I AM SUPER EXCITED.

Sadly I am not buying tickets or anything until the dickhead processes his divorce papers, though. Last night I got margarita-tears when the girls asked me for an update. I was so embarrassed that I ripped him a new one in an email this morning. Curse words and all. It felt good.

Truthfully it's not something that bothers me everyday. Maybe that's the problem.

I've wanted to repaint my bedroom for at least five years. I'd wake up and the first thing I saw every morning was the shitty holey wall facing my bed. I'd have this feeling similar to failure, but not quite as strong. Can you have a sense of unaccomplishment? That's the only way I can describe it. I knew I'd feel better if I'd do it, but better how? Will I like it? Will it be right? Will it be a pain in the ass? I wonder if that's where procrastination comes from, a fear of what life will be like once you complete the thing you've put off.

This is how I see MDLL's divorce. I'm sure he does, too. Right now our relationship is a threesome - me, him, and the elephant in the room. Sometimes the elephant is invisible. Sometimes it's bigger than we can handle. The comforting (?) thing is whether we acknowledge him or not, he's always there.

I don't know what will happen once the divorce is final. The elephant will be gone and we will be alone. Alone with each other. I think we're both scared shitless. It saddens me to admit I'm afraid of a happy and healthy relationship. There's no doubt in my mind that's what we would have. We already do have one, except for THIS.

I don't blame the elephant. I blame us for not letting him go.

My wedding photo!

I am Mrs. Thighs Gorilla George.

Is it still March?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I turned dirty-whore, I mean thirty-four!!

I've worked around 70 hours this week; if it wasn't my birthday I'd seriously have no concept of time whatsoever. I even think I woke up wondering what the date was yesterday. Um, HELLO. It was March 9th, THE BEST DAY EVER.

Work is going really well. I'm not used to this schedule, though. Sunday I worked six hours, the weekdays were about eleven hours each, and today I worked another six. I have to work tomorrow too, but luckily I don't have to go into the office. I want to sleep in and not move until at least 10am.

My birthday was fun, but sort of odd! The internet connection went down at the office, so I decided to go to FAO Schwarz for the first time in 15 years. When I returned the internet was still down and we ended up moving to the GM building. I love the view:



A few hours later my boss Iron comes in and hands me a huge FAO Schwarz bag. I chuckled since I had just been there. She gave me the randomest gift ever, a toddler size gorilla stuffed animal. I was speechless. A gorilla doll, really? Turns out George (I named him this) is fucking awesome:



The rest of the day was pretty tame, so I headed home at a decent hour to gussy up for dinner with MDLL. Yeah, the breakup didn't last again. It never does. Resistance is futile at this point. We went to our favorite crabhouse and it was DELICIOUS. New Orleans shrimp, lobster, and crablegs. YUM. The piano man sang Happy Birthday to me. Well, Happy Birthday to Shauna. That's a first! At least it wasn't Sharon. I like that name, but for some reason it annoys me most.

Get this...MDLL bought me flowers and Star Wars Legos. Guess where he bought the latter? FAO SCHWARZ. He hadn't been there in years either. So funny that we went the same day. (FUNNY JUNIPER. There are no coincidences!) The cashier asked if the Legos were a gift for his son. Fa!

Hmmm, what else. I finished The Hunger Games this morning. It was excellent! I can't wait for the movie. I'm actually in the mood to keep reading, so I think I'm finally going to tackle Dark Tower tomorrow. Oh and I want to watch Game of Thrones, too.

I'm glad I mentally prepared myself for March to be all about work and rest. MDLL and I went out for a bit after dinner last night, but I was too tired to stay long. I'm sure my exhaustion was a combination of work and the three jaeger shots I did within fifteen minutes. Whatevs.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Party time!

This week can end now! I'm ready to go out and get my drink on. My tummy feels a little weird; it might be too much acid in my stomach. I took a Prilosec, Tums, and ate some yogurt. Bring on the voka soduh!

I don't want to do any work today. My plan is to leave around 4-4:30pm, go home to drop off my laptop, and come back out.  I brought my shirt for tonight and some makeup so I can beautify here if I need. I might just leave my laptop at work and get it tomorrow. It's not a huge pain to drag it out, but I'd prefer not to worry about it.

My coworker Zebra is here. God he's annoying. Everything he does is LOUD: talking, coughing, drinking, eating, typing, opening a bag, slamming shit, walking. I don't have the best hearing, probably because my family always screamed and I passed out in a speaker at a rave once, so I am amazed how aurally irritating this fucker is. I have my earphones in with no music on, just to lessen the blow.

I never really could work with music on. I'm not sure why I don't listen to music very often. Maybe it's because I'm constantly thinking and daydreaming? I'm excited to get some dancing in later. I heart dancing! I hope we get to take over the jukebox like last year.

Wow. Last year. 33 was a fucking trip. The Year o' Jesus. Wait, did I ever explain this?

Apparently Jesus was crucified and rose from the dead at 33. I thought this was interesting. Why 33? Is the age significant? I'm not religious, but I do like to find connection. I believed this meant 33 was the year of transformation, the year we become who we are meant to be. After all of the changes in my life last year I'm sure of this. Yes it could have been a self-fulfilling prophecy, but so what? I feel more myself than I ever have my entire life.

I went to therapy last night. It was exactly what I needed. I feel much better about everything. I did a little jewelry shopping and bought these awesome ugly green and blue chandelier earrings to wear tonight. I put them on when I got home and my earlobe hung two inches, so that was a wasted $16. My clothes are dark so I was hoping to brighten up the outfit with obnoxious sparkly jewelry. Maybe I'll find something during lunch.

Oh shit, it's 1pm! Yay! Countdown on!