Good lord, woman.

I dyed my hair again last night because the first color was a little dull for me.  This time I went for a dark burgundy.  It's got the old-lady-purple halo around it.  OOPS.

Despite the non-natural look, I do like it.  I'll like it more once it fades over the next couple of days.  I haven't had some fun with my hair in a long time, so I'm enjoying the change.

Apparently I am in an adventurous mood this week.  Adventurous and stupid?  What did I do?

I made a porno with MDLL.  AAAAAHHHHH!!! 

First off, I WILL NOT BE SHARING THEM (yes, there are multiple videos).  Second, neither of us have any idea who came up with the idea, but let's be honest, it was probably me.  Third, I made him delete the ones with our faces and identifying marks.  Fourth, I had some pictures of him on my phone but I immediately deleted them because THEY MADE ME BLUSH.  Last, since all of the videos were on his phone, I made him send me one.  I watched it last night and HOLY GOD it is a combination of hot, trashy, and dumbfounding, as in, "Did I really do this?" and "Is that really me?".

I'm shaking my head as I write this...good lord, woman.

Sugar High

I read three articles on sugar.  Now the word looks really weird.  Sugar.  Shuuuuuggeeeerrrr.

My online food diary says my daily sugar goal is 29 grams.  I love fruit, so I'm repeatedly blowing past this number every day.

It turns out I'm fine.  The problem comes in with the amount of added, unnaturally occuring sugar.

Did you know the recommended amount of sugar for a woman is only 20 grams a day?  Five teaspoons. That's it. 

To put this in perspective, here's the total sugar for one serving of my vices:

Peppermint Pattie = 25 grams
Peanut M&Ms = 25 grams
Milk Chocolate M&Ms = 31 grams
Magner's = 11 grams
Woodchuck Crisp Cider (my new favorite) = 9 grams

Perspective for some general ones:

One packet of Starbucks Brown Sugar = 12 grams
A can of Coke = 39 grams
A can of Red Bull = 27 grams
A 20 oz bottle of Mountain Dew = 77 GRAMS!

CRAZY.

Re-Re-Ro

I just found out Rem is a Republican and voting for Romney.

Why is accepting this so hard???

Instead of saying why I'm voting Obama, I decided to write him an email sharing my beliefs.

I believe we should:

- help those who can't help themselves. No American should starve because they can't afford food or be homeless.

- have universal healthcare and offer free wellness programs

- spend more money on education to allow kids to go to school who otherwise can't afford it and to give teachers and schools the resources (books, materials, computers etc) to do well

- give veterans unlimited resources to get back on their feet after serving, including free therapy sessions to help them adjust to becoming a civilian

- allow women should have the right to choose to have an abortion

- allow gay men and women the right to marry and adopt

- educate the masses on religion, race, and culture

- change the tax brackets on all personal taxes to fit the federal income tax model (ie raise capital gains tax to 35%) to start

- take environmental issues more seriously and do what we can to address climate change and reduce our carbon footprint

- use tax payers money to strengthen infrastructure - roads, buildings, bridges, create more mass transit

- reduce the deficit by cutting spending and raising taxes for the time being

- legalize and tax marijuana, although I understand concerns you can't tell when someone is stoned while driving

- legalize and tax prostitution with mandatory HIV/STD tests

- continue to support Israel, although I'm not sure what I think about going to war with Iran yet

- withdraw from Afghanistan

- cut military and defense spending

- stop using 9/11 and other terrorist acts as an excuse to take away civil liberties

- immigration is the biggest gray area for me. I don't think people should be here illegally, but I do think if a child is born here of illegal parents, the child should be a citizen. It's not their fault. It's also not an immigrants fault if they were brought here by a corporation.

- educate all Americans on how to eat right and exercise, and ensure communities have access to affordable and organic fruits and vegetables

- not give tax breaks and incentives to the beef or corn industry as it is contributing to our health problems

- gun control needs to be tighter - raise the tax and price, mandatory psychiatric evaluation, limits on the amount of firearms per household

OCDmail

Did I ever share my OCDness when it comes to email?

I absolutely hate having emails sitting in my inbox. If I read it and don't need it, delete. If I read it and need it, ie a work email to reference in the future or a personal email with a ticket or confirmation number attached, I immediately file it.

For my personal email, it has come to the point where I can't wait to use the ticket/confirmation just so I can delete the email when it's over.

I AM NUTS.

Octoberlovefest!

October is going to be the greatest month of all time.  I can feel it!!

Yesterday and today I worked from home. MY WORD is WingFH the greatest thing ever. I can't wait to have a non-local client, so I can do this more often.  Of course, then there will be a lot of travelling too...we shall see!

Last night MDLL and I went to see Jay-Z at the new Barclays Center.  AMAZING show, gorgeous arena.  I'm so happy for Brooklyn.  It's funny, I only lived there until I was 8, but I really do feel like Brooklyn is in my blood.  Bay Ridge especially of course.  I don't have any desire to move back there because the rents are outrageous and the commute to the city isn't as convenient as Western Queens, but it will always have a special place in my heart.

DUDE. I just took a sip of fresh kombucha, an organic and raw tea of some sort. It tastes like vinegar. BLECH.

I'm looking forward to chillin' out this week.  The only plans I have are to watch the debates tomorrow night, therapy on Thursday, a massage/facial on Friday, and then a 5K in Coney Island on Saturday morning.  I haven't run in a month, so this should be interesting!

My energy levels are super low lately.  It seems to be a combination of the weight gain and allergies.  My thyroid levels were low too, but I didn't want to up my dosage until I made an effort to lose some weight.  It's not going too well.

Truthfully I'm really bummed out about gaining weight although not enough to cut back as much as I need. I'm staying in my calorie range for the most part during the week, except when I have alcohol.  Weekends are a free for all.  I was hoping to wear The Dress to Socks' is wedding in two weeks. It fits, but is a little snug.  If I can lose five pounds I should be golden.  I did a workout video today and ate well yessterday, except for a Long Island Iced Tea which I really didn't need to drink. 

MDLL gained weight this summer, too. Typical for couples I guess.  Must break the habit...after Puerto Rico!!

My eyes were glued...

not to the TV or a movie.  Literally glued.

Last night I fixed a picture that was bonded to one of those box wall frames.  I used Krazy Glue and some of it got on the frame itself, so I casually wiped it off with my finger.

About 10 minutes later I rinsed my hands without scrubbing, forgetting about the glue, then proceeded to take my contacts out.  I realized half way through removing them from my right eye, freaked, and yanked.

I now have a dry patch on my eye, while typical after wearing my contacts all day seems to be due to the glue and/or the yankage. (Heh.)  I rinsed my eye out a lot last night, put some drops in, and am now surfing the web to find funny shit to make me laugh-cry with the hope my salty tears will help.

Of course some websites say IMMEDIATE DEATH AND BLINDNESS.  Others say there's no harm (really?) and the glue will clear with time.  It must have been pretty dry by the time I took my contact out, so I'm guessing/hoping the irritation is mostly the yankage.

Yet another blonde moment, even though I'm currently a ginger. Remember this?

I AM SO SORRY BODY.

Good afternoon, boys and girls!!

What a glorious day!  I'm digging the fall thus far and it's only going to get better!

I am already super duper psyched for the holidays.  Methinks I'll be Florence Welch from the video Dog Days Are Over for Halloween, as long as I can find a kimono that's close enough to this one:

And now that I'm a redhead I can easily rock this look!!

This past week was fantastical.  I had dinner with the girls Saturday, spent the day with the Bear family on Sunday, managed to randomly score tickets for Sarah Silverman and Reggie Watts show Monday, and watched the Mets win against the Pirates last night as well as David Wright breaking the team's all-time career hits record.

On Saturday Slow Jams and I are going to the survival course in Central Park, then I'm pretty sure my parents are staying over that night for a date in the city.  Tomorrow is their 38th wedding anniversary!! Crazy bastards.  I'm not sure what their plan is for Sunday, although I will be watching the Giants game at 8pm.  Yay football!  Oh and Monday night is Jay-Z!!  Yay fun!!

MDLL and I discussed personal and long-term goals the other night.  The days his mute characterness are thankfully over.  We have such an honest and open communication now that it's... gosh I don't know even know what it is.  I feel really lucky and loved.

I decided to make a new list of goals:

1.  Continue to pay off debt

2.  Move in with MDLL to a spacious 2-3 bedroom apartment with a big living room and lots of light, with a safe stove that doesn't share a wall with a living room or bedroom, each bedroom having a fire escape attached.  The apartment must be clean, bug and mice free and it would be great to find a place with a backyard big enough for MDLL to grill and me to garden.  Nice neighbors, good 'hood (preferably still in Astoria), on a tree lined street near the trains and a good school.  All for less than $1800 a month.

3.  Marry MDLL

4.  Have one or two children.  Or one kid and maybe adopt.

5.  Travel to Hawaii, Tibet, and finish my baseball tour (11 parks left!).

6.  Be healthy and fit.

7.  Practice yoga and mediation on a regular basis.

8.  Read more books!!

9.  Have a plentiful savings and IRA, so that we can afford to enjoy our retirement and take care of our parents and children.

10.  Breakthrough my creative obstacles by paintin, drawing, coloring, or writing something at least once a day.

Yay goals!!  Now to figure out when to complete them all!

AAAHHH!!! Vacation!!

I told MDLL a few months ago that I'd like him to plan a vacation for us since I always plan our dates. Well he finally spilled the beans...

Sunday, October 21st through Friday, October 26th...

wait for it...

WE'RE GOING TO PUERTO RICO!!  AAAHHHHHH!!

I feel like I just won a contest or something!  A love contest!  SO GAY!

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!

San Juan, here we come!

Thingamajigs

Whaddup fools??

It's another beautiful Monday morning in the 212 (and the 718, 646, 917, 347...).  My boss Miron suggested I get a landline soon, especially if we get the LA client.  Conference calls and cellphones don't mix.  I have no idea how to go about even getting one!  I guess through Time Warner Cable?  Blech.

Things with me are allllriiight.  I went to therapy Wednesday.  Despite my efforts to be positive, I can't seem to shake my anger and resentment issues.  The post-funeral blow out was a perfectly timed rock bottom moment for me.  Without going into detail, I had every right to lash out in my drunken stupor, but the fact I did lash out is what hurts the most.  If I am going to be a good wife, mother, and person, I need to get the ragesnake under control.

I've also gotten my eating and drinking under control, too!  I lost 3-4 pounds this past week, depending on my comparison days.  And I only got drunk on Saturday!  Granted I had 800 calories of alcohol, but it's a start!  GET THIS...I also only had ONE TACO in a sitting.  ONE!  I'm already feeling better.

The weight loss is probably also due to the colonic I got Thursday.  I figured if I'm trying to deshit my life, I might as well do it in the most literal sense.

WELL, colonics are fucking awesome.  I've been asked to explain the experience in some detail, so if you don't want to read about it skip down to the *****.

I went to Love Your Transformation based on Rockstar's recommendation.  I was naked from the waist down with a little blanket over me.  The woman sat by my bum and inserted a metal thingie that kind of looks like a hose spray gun.  It wasn't that uncomfortable, probably because I am a good pooper.  I would make an anal sex joke here, but I actually haven't done that in years.

The water went through my system at a slow, calm pace.  The woman stays down there and jiggles the tubing to help the excretion.  She also monitors the poopage.  Apparently I am a natural!

The only time I felt awkward was when the water passed through a couple of gas pockets and I thought I was going to shit all over her face.  She assured me I was not going to One Girl No Cup her. 

When it was over I was energized, lighter, and my sinuses were cleared!  I asked her if this was possible and she said yes because it's all inflammation. Or I'm just a shithead.  Either way, I felt fantastic. I was a little nervous about taking the subway home, so I made a preemptive pitstop at Macy's before going underground. THANK SHIZZA. Poor toilet didn't know what hit it.

My intestines felt so good and clean until I started eating again.  I highly recommend doing this for your well-being!

*****

SO MUCH POOP!  Just kidding, you are in a colonic free zone now.

I'm looking forward to this week.  I got dinner and drink plans Tuesday - Thursday and Saturday.  Sunday I'm meeting up with the Bear Family at the Natural History museum.  I haven't been in forever and I can't can't can't wait to see Evan's face at the dinosaur exhibit.

Also...I'm a redhead again!!  Well, like reddish brown.  I like it!  I tried taking a picture, but I just ain't photogenic.  Here's a cool pic of my eye though!  My hair is a lot darker and redder in person.

Well, that's all I got. Happy Monday!

Saturday's Horoscope

I like it!

Pisces

Saturday, September 15th 2012
 
You can be profoundly affected by the actions of others. Recent events can send you on a path of inner exploration and lead you on a journey of self-discovery. However, before you get there, it’s normal to experience anxiety and upheaval. Sometimes it’s difficult to believe everything happens for a reason, but there will be a silver lining — there always is!

Sick!

Gosh, when was the last time I was sick??  While I feel like shit today, I am so incredibly thankful I've been healthy all year.  In hindsight, all of the colds, flus, exhaustion, and tummy issues I've had my whole life must have been due to gluten weakening my immune system.  I'd get sick at least once a month! 

Yesterday my chest felt congested and I was weak.  Today I'm working from home because my back is super sore and I'm tired.  Very tired.  It makes sense. I'm stressed out, I partied too much, and I'm depressed.  Also, today is September 11th, which is always a rough time of year.  I'm glad I'm home.

I haven't heard back from Cee yet.  Fingers crossed I get an appointment today!

A Fucked Up Family Funeral revised

The joke, "What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk." sums up my family perfectly. The first time I went to a wake for a non-relative, my mom warned me that funerals are sad, solemn occasions. I had no idea because funerals on both sides of my family sound like a party.

It was so incredibly great to see everyone. I gotta hand it to death - it sure knows how to bring the living together.

After the funeral we went to a dive bar called Moroney's. Naturally. We were all drinking, dancing, laughing, having a blast. My cousin Timmy and I always had a nice connection, so we were buying each other non-stop shots. Then, predictably, all hell broke loose...

******************************************************************************

If you check my blog every day (thank you!), you would have read the details to hell breaking loose.  My brother read it and asked me to take it down.  I listened.

Without going into details, it was a really bad night.  At this point there are two things upsetting me most:

1.  My ragesnake made an appearance. 

2.  I've been drunk almost every day since Tuesday.

My body is beat up.  My mind is beat up.  Everything is beat up.  I called Cee to get an appointment, but I haven't heard back yet.  I actually ran into her Thursday night while MDLL and I were on our way to our TWO YEAR MEETIVERSARY dinner.  (Excited much?)  I took it as a sign I really do need therapy right now.

2012 has been the best year of my entire life.  Sincerely. I've felt good, got the guy, had tons of fun and am HAPPY.

I'm not happy right now though. I'm not happy with my weight gain or the fact I can't fit into any of my clothes.  I'm not happy I've been drinking until I black/brown out.  I'm not happy my fingers are bloody stumps.  I am EXTREMELY unhappy with what down after the funeral. 

Today's a new day though.  I'm forcing myself to smile and be positive.  This past week was the roughest one in a long time.  I will explore what happened, learn from it, and move on. 

Brooklyn Botanic Gardens

Back in July, Juniper and I had a little Brooklyn adventure.  One stop was the botanic gardens.

I finally got around to uploading the photos.  They came out so much better than I thought!

Here's a purty one:

Among the uninsured

I've read quite a few articles and comments where Republicans and Conservatives say Democrats and Liberals don't want to work for anything and expect the government to foot their bills.

Let me tell you something.

I babysat as a kid.  My first paying job where I needed working papers was a camp counselor at age 14 or 15.  From then until college graduation I worked at the following places:

a pharmacy
a perfume and make-up outlet
a candy store
a clothing store
a mall salon/high-end product retailer
a steel company doing data entry
a prominent medical school screening candidates for healthcare trials
a mental health facility accompanying patients on field trips
a day care center

After graduation I spent the next ten years in Publishing, during which I had a part-time job at Barnes and Noble for about six months so that I can afford my rent. I've now been a consultant at Biz for a year and a half.  While there were definite breaks in between jobs because of school, I've been working for 20 years.

I went to the dentist at 3pm for my toothache.  The good news is nothing was wrong.  He thinks it may be a combination of allergies and my teeth grinding, even though I wear a mouthguard most nights. The bad news is, as I wrote earlier, I no longer have dental working for a small company. 

I was blessed with great medical, dental, and vision coverage in Publishing.  The industry doesn't pay well, but I've always thought they made it up with their insurance package.  Today was the first time in my life I had to say, "I don't have insurance."

You know what?  It was deflating, embarassing, and infuriating.   Why?  I've been a contributing member of society for most my life.  Why shouldn't I have affordable health coverage and care?

This is where I see the difference between the right and left.  The right seem to claim the left feels "entitled" to healthcare.  I don't feel "entitled" to it.  This isn't about MEMEME. I feel EVERYONE should have healthcare coverage.  There's nothing "entitled" about it.

Fortunately, I'm able to afford the $80 worth of x-rays.  I cannot fucking imagine what someone who CAN'T afford their medical bills must think.  Imagine choosing death because you can't afford medicine or treatment?  What about hard working parents with two or three jobs that need to scrape by in order to get their kid antibiotics? 

And I'll say it...what about a woman who gives birth because she can't afford birth control or an abortion?  Do you really think she'll be able to afford pre and post-natal care?  Sure, one could say it's her problem for being irresponsible. I disagree.  It's irresponsible of someone who has the means to prevent getting pregnant, not someone who is poor or uneducated.  SEX IS FREE, PEOPLE.  If you're poor and uneducated, rich with ten degrees or somewhere in between, EVERYONE FUCKS.

I want to read the Affordable Care Act.  Here's where all politicians suck, including Obama...it's friggin 2400 pages long!! Granted it's written double spaced with a big font and margins, but sheesh! If you want the layman to be informed, try a less intimidating language and page count.

There's my political rant for today.  Remember when this blog was fun?  I miss writing about boiling denim and banging whores.

Update, Toothache

My dad is okay.  It looks like the funeral won't be until next Tuesday so his brothers and sister have time to get to NY.  I'm sure I'll have some fun stories.  When my grandfather died, everyone got wasted, Adam tried to throw himself on the casket almost knocking it down, and someone pissed Eddie off enough to make him leave and fly home halfway through the wake.

I'm okay for the most part.  Yesterday was weird.  I forgot to mention I had really bad stomach pains, too.  I went to bed around 10pm Monday night, then woke up around 11:30pm to what felt like glass going through my intestines.  I started logging calories again, so I definitely didn't eat something weird.  It might have been the Tostitos cheese salsa MDLL and I devoured the night before. Dumb. Oh and I also woke up with a toothache. 

I'd probably be depressed about all of this if it wasn't so friggin' comical!!  Death in the family, tooth pain, glass-ass...best to just laugh it off. My tooth is killing me again today, so I'm working from home with the hopes I can see the dentist.  Unfortunately I no longer have dental insurance under the Biz health plan. Blerg.

Enough of the poop, let's talk positive.  MDLL is the best boyfriend ever.  Yesterday he consoled me at lunch (we work a few blocks away from each other), then took me out to dinner.  I am amazed at how much he cares about me.  All I can think is, "WOW. Love. Nicely done!"

I had an interesting couple of weeks at the office.  The head of the department I'm consulting in was on leave for a while.  She came back with a bit of a vengeance making some rude comments to me and others. I figured she was gunning to get me out, which was fine.  I'm sick of that place anyways.  Fingers crossed for new clients!!

Well, as if my life wasn't manic enough, on Monday she offered me a full-time job at the firm. Wha-wha-wha???  It turns out she was just being bitchy and appreciates all of my hard work.  WEIRD.  I declined because consulting is the best fit for me.  I can work autonomously and bouncing around from client to client helps my job-ADHD.  I get SO BORED if I work anywhere too long. 

Of course I am passing up good health insurance and a 401K, though.  I might have to go back to a 9-5 gig one day, but right now I just can't be bothered.

Ahhh...the fun begins.  My mom just called bitching how my aunt and uncles haven't done shit for Mary, keep moving the funeral date, and some other stuff.  Maybe I should wear a helmet next week.

Death, Family, Fucked

A few months ago my Great Aunt passed away.  This morning my paternal grandmother died, too.

I never really wrote about my dad's mom, except for this brief paragraph two years ago.  It was the last time I saw her.

I found out she died from my cousin's Facebook status: 

"rest in peace grandma always in my heart"

My jaw fell to the floor and I panicked.  Wait what?? Why didn't dad tell me?  OHMYGOD. Maybe he doesn't know!?!?  I called the house, his office, and finally got him on his cell.  He knew. He sounded shellshocked.

Nanny. Wow. I forgot she wanted me and Rip to call her that when we were kids. That feels like eons ago...

My dad Billy is the middle child of five. His siblings are Adam, Jeannie, Eddie, and John.  They lived with their parents, Tom and Mary on 9th Street in Park Slope, Brooklyn.  I don't know how Tom and Mary met, but I'm assuming it was from the neighborhood.  Tom was a raging alcoholic and very abusive.  Mary was an alcoholic too, but rather than be abusive she just upped and left the kids to fend for themselves.  Naturally the kids didn't really stand a chance. 

DISCLAIMER:  Before I begin, I have to note that a lot of what I'm going to write below may be biased.  My mother hated my dad's family with a passion, so she kept us away from them as much as she could.  With good reason.

My grandfather Tom liked me because I was a Pisces.  We stick with our own!  He was always very nice to me and I like that he was a Sandhog, one of the construction guys who built the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel.  As a result he had really bad asthma.  I believe he died from lung cancer, but I'm not sure.  He's the reason I grew to love Seaside Heights.  He got a house there every year since I was three.  He also lent my parents the money to get my Boob Saga plastic surgery, no questions asked. Those are my nice memories of him.

He was still a disaster, though.  Apparently junkies and prostitutes were in and out of his apartment all of the time.  He was gross, having given up cleaning his place and taking care of himself.  I remember one time we were in a grocery store in Toms River and he pissed in an aisle on a bunch of dishtowels.  Ah, family.

Uncle Adam is the oldest and perhaps the most fucked up out of all the kids.  He's a super smart electrician, but always seemed to be scheming for money.  He was a drug addict and alcoholic, too. My dad said it got worse when he came back from Vietnam.  He was a medic, picking up screaming men with missing limbs bleeding to death.  He'd give them and himself morphine to ease the pain.

I've never shared this on Thighs, nor do I think I've really told anyone this in person. Adam married my Aunt Dolly who had three sons - Jimmy, Michael, and David.  When I was four years old, Jimmy who was 18, took me for a bike ride with his friends.  My mom didn't want me to go, but my aunt and uncle said I'd be fine.  Well, I wasn't.  To this day I'm not sure what exactly happened.  I remember being in a park with my pants down, his friends staring at me.  I don't remember if they had their pants down or if I was touched or not.  I remember we were near a chainlink fence near a major road.  It was nighttime and I thought the headlights were shining on me for everyone to see. I remember nothing after that, although I don't think it went beyond touching.  I wish I knew.

I didn't tell my parents until I was around eleven. We were getting ready to go to Jimmy's graduation party or something.  They were shocked and totally believed me, but for some reason still made me go to the party. This is one of the classic examples of my mom being out of her fucking mind.  She apologizes profusely to this day.  I'm not sure why I don't blame my dad. Nothing of note really happened except I stole a can of Budweiser that I kept in my closet for a year before trying to drink it.  I never saw Jimmy again and rarely saw Adam and Dolly after they doubted my story.  More on this shitshow another time.

Aunt Jeannie believed me, especially because she was the kid my grandfather abused the most. Yes, in that way.  Fucking disgusting shit.  She also became a drug addict and alcoholic, then a teenage mom. At least I think she was still a teenager.  She eventually moved to Syracuse and then to Arkansas.  I've seen her maybe five times in the last twenty years.  I really like her.  We have a bit of a soul sister connection.  She doesn't speak to her first son, but she has another son Matt who I've met once or twice.  The last time I saw him he was NASCAR-REDNECK-RACIST.  His Facebook statuses show that he's now a kind, open-minded, intelligent athiest. Very interesting 180!

Uncle Eddie skipped town when he was 16.  He didn't speak to the family for years, so I don't know much about him except that he lives in Wisconsin, likes to write looooong emails and Facebook comments, may be in the closet, and tried to commit suicide a few years ago.  I hear he's doing well now.

I was the closest to Uncle John.  We visited him, his wife Donna, and their three boys Johnny, Timmy, and Tommy (the one who wrote the FB status today) a lot.  I love them all to bits.  It was easier to visit them when they lived in Staten Island, but when they moved to Middletown, NY I stopped going up there as much.  Eventually John and Donna got divorced, the boys stopped talking to him and John moved to Tennessee with his girlfriend. I don't think I've seen them in ten years.

Having failed her children in many ways, Mary tried to redeem herself as a grandmother.  She became very close with John's kids, even moved up to Middletown to be with them.  They have a much stronger relationship with her than I ever did, so I feel really bad for them.  That's why I'm not mad at Tommy for his Facebook status, just mad at the circumstances. 

Last but certainly not least, my dad.  Shit, I'm crying now.  I love my dad so much.  It's really weird, this morning I was thinking how I hadn't heard from my parents last night and the thought popped into my head they died.  My mind went to their funeral, the phone calls I'd have to make, cleaning out the house in Jackson. I couldn't shut it off!  I guess that's why it hit me so hard when I heard Mary died an hour later.  I'm weirdly intuitive sometimes.

My dad was the black sheep of the family because he was normal.  Sure he drank, smoked, and dropped acid when he was younger, but once Rip and I were born he cleaned up.  He's a kind, gentle, and senstive man who somehow still loves his fucked up family. 

John took good care of Mary when she first went to the home after her stroke in 2010, then my dad picked up the slack once John moved.  My parents visited her at least once a month, even though she barely talked and clearly didn't want them around.  I know it hurt him.  I'm really worried.

Nanny,

I am sorry you had such a rough life.  I hope you weren't in pain before you passed.  Thank you for the birthday and Christmas checks. It was very generous of you.

Of course my biggest thank you comes from bringing my dad into the world.  Despite everything, he ended up being a good man with a good soul.  I am happy to be his daughter.

Rest in peace,

Thighs

Poli-tact

Last week I noticed a friend from high school liked the Facebook page "I will NOT vote for Obama in 2012."  I was infuriated and baffled since she is a woman.

I haven't talked to her in person since we graduated, so I didn't feel comfortable asking her why.  Instead I went to the page and read some of the posts and comments.  Here's what happened:

Added to the string today. No one responded yet:

Today on the Women For Romney 2012 page:

HFF

In case you couldn't figure this out, yesterday I was having one of those paranoid "I'm dying and will never be sober again" hangover/panic attacks.  FUN!

Of course that didn't stop me from going out for Hugs' birthday party.  I had two big ciders and one vodka drink.  I wouldn't have bothered with the vodka, but a guy offered to buy a round. Can't pass up a freebie, right???

Duh. Now that I think about it, I bought him a beer as a thank you.  I guess it wasn't free at all...farts.

Today was much better.  I got a good night's sleep and had a productive day at work.  Tonight I'm heading to Target and possibly Red Lobster because MDLL's dad gives him random gift certificates for Christmas.  I don't remember the last time I ate there. College maybe?  It's not bad, I just don't see the point of eating at a chain in the city.

Tomorrow I'll be in NJ visiting the Bear Family, then early Sunday morning Juniper and I are doing the Color Run.  WOOT!!  Other than that, I got nothing, although I do want to see Sleepwalk with Me and Expendables 2.  I might be the only person in the world who wants to see both those movies, not one or the other.  Only female maybe.

Anyhooooo...I've got 23 minutes left before I run screaming out of here.  Happy Friday fuckers!

Fish Drinking

I'm still drunk from last night.  I woke up on MDLL's couch shirtless with my arms crossed over my chest vampire style.

I'd say I had at least ten vodka drinks. I've always been a binge drinker so this is nothing new.  The difference is when I was able to drink beer I'd get really full and bloated, which would make me stop.  Sure I could still toss back a dozen brews in one sitting, but at some point my tummy flagged me.  Now that I don't have stomach issues anymore, I've lost my off switch and keep drinking like a fish until I pass out.

I don't really like to talk about my drinking problem.  Even typing that sentence was hard.  I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but if the label has crossed my mind I must be one.  Normal people don't drink every day, don't drink alone, and definitely don't drink as excessively as I do.  It's worse now that I'm back on the anti-depressants, too.  I could probably drink for days on them...

So what do I do?  Do I go to AA?  I don't want to give up drinking for good. Is that sad?  I love the bar life, I like a good buzz, and I always have a good time.  I just can't seem to keep it in check.

I was pretty upset yesterday before I went out.  The scale said 180.  This morning it was back to 175.  I'm so fucking disappointed with myself.  I can't believe after my health struggles last year I went right back to my bad habits, drinking until I blackout and gaining all of my weight back even without eating bread.

I am out of control.  I know I am.  It's hard to admit this to myself.  I make such an effort to be nice to others, but I never seem to be nice to myself.  I don't like how I feel about me right now.  The joke is I really like how I feel when I'm fucked up.  My life is awesome, so I don't I drink to escape anymore. I think it's because I'm good at it.  I'm good at being fucked up, I'm fun when I'm fucked up, and I really just enjoy the carefree happy vibes I feel when I'm fucked up.  Sadly I later feel regret and embarrassed, not because I did anything wrong, but because I'm ashamed I am slowly killing myself and the few brain cells I have left.

This is a much heavier post than I thought it would be. 

I need to learn moderation.  HA HA!!  I'm sorry, but that seriously made me laugh out loud.  I've NEVER moderated a damn thing in my life.  I like blue, my whole apartment is blue. I love MDLL, I love the SHIT out of MDLL.  I feel I think I write I talk I emote I yell I fuck I sunburn I I I I I...I do everything big and loud and FUCKING EXTREME.  It's who I am.  Of course I drink to excess because I do everything to excess.  Everything but healthy things, apparently.

SHITBALLS.  I'm really pissed at myself now.  I had a great time last night from what I remember, but now I just feel like an asshole.  Thank Shizza MDLL takes care of me.  What the fuck did I do when I was single and drunk out of my mind???  Oh right....eat Oreos and shit my brains out.

I need help.

My mentor, my brother.

My brother is my political and current events mentor.  I never paid attention in history or social studies because not only was it boring as hell, but it also sounded like a bunch of bullshit.  When I did take an interest in the world, it hurt too much.  All of the unnecessary pain and suffering made me feel helpless and overwhelmed, so I put my head in the sand, body in the bar, and focused on MEMEME. 

This is the first time I've paid any attention to what is going on.  Obviously it's pretty easy to now with the interwebs, but it seems even easier to feel helpless and overwhelmed again, too.

Take this week for example.  White men in positions of power are debating women's health and rights, redefining the word "rape" and making up shit that science has already proven otherwise.  It both scares and baffles me how these men are capable of thinking like this, getting away with it, and supported by some of the public.  Why a woman, minority or poor person would vote Republican is beyond me. 

I don't understand how people can be so cruel, so thoughtless, so close-minded, and so harmful to our society in this day and age.  I was IMing Rippie telling him how upset all of this makes me and he responded with this:

there will always be differences between the two sides in this country. politically, socially, etc. Thats the point. the difference is that we have to be honest about what their actual positions are and be informed and decide. if you feel like you are less ignorant than you are in the past, you are probably right, because everyone is actually sharing information and trying to inform each other right now. imagine this attack on womens rights pre-internet and facebook. would we even know in time? This is a gift. enjoy it. and get mad and vote your fucking brains out.

"This is a gift."  I love this.  It IS a gift.  My whole life is a gift.  Yes, at times it seems hopeless and feels like the country is going to shit, but you know what?  Nothing's changed.  The Civil War was a 150 years ago; I'm sure we'll be arguing for another 150 years.  Will the Red and Blue States ever blend to create an empowered and united Purple Country?  Only time will tell.  Until then I plan to stay educated, informed, and vote my fucking brains out, just like my mentor said.

Thanks Rip.  You made me feel a lot better.

Why FedEx? Why?

I'm working from home today, so that I can get my FedEx delivery without any issues.  Yay Steelers/Giants tickets!!

I'll never understand FedEx and UPS logistics, though.   Check out the route the package took.  It went from Newark to Memphis back to Newark.  And we wonder why shipping costs so much...ridiculous.

YESTHING!

My day of nothing turned into a day of yes to lots of things!!

Friday night MDLL and I went shopping down in Union Square.  I saw this bird picture below at, of all places, TJ Maxx.  I liked the colors, but thought it was dumb. "Put a bird on it!"  By the next morning, I had to go back and get it. It's so pretty!

Our day:

J.G. Melon's for bloody marys and burgers on 74th and 3rd Ave

Union Square for DSW, the new Forbidden Planet location (much bigger!), Daffy's, Rosa Mexicano for pomegranate margaritas and appetizers, then finally, the bird picture.

The Frying Pan on Pier 66 and 26th Street.  It's a bar on a docked boat.  Such a lovely day to be on the water at sunset!

Walked a few blocks on the Highline, then went to Hill Country for dinner since MDLL hadn't been to either place.

Last, but not least, a vanilla milkshake from Schnipper's near Madison Park since the Shake Shack line was too long.  For some reason you can't buy shakes in the B-line...

It was a glorious day spent with my two loves, MDLL and Manhattan.  Yay for me!!

NOTHING!

The Bear Family and I were going to hang out tomorrow, but we rescheduled.

One, I can't wait to see them next weekend.

Two, I HAVE NOTHING TO DO TOMORROW!!  WOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!

I checked my Summer Fun Calendar and I've had plans every Saturday since May.  Probably before then too, but I only started using the calendar in June.  This ain't a complaint! I'm so happy to have the health and money to blow this summer out, but man, I am seriously looking forward to hibernating in the fall.

Tonight MDLL and I will be at Crazy Ass for a couple o' birthday parties.  Tomorrow I am sleeping in, then doing whatever the fuck I want!!  NOTHING. I want to do nothing! 

IT WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF EVER!!!

Mrs. MDLL

I'm back to wedding planning again.  This time, it's sort of real.  ACK!

MDLL and I went out to dinner the night I came back from AC.  I got all shy (!!) and said, "I missed you so much this weekend. I don't like when we are apart. I really want to marry you and spend the rest of our lives together."

He blushed and said, "Me too."  I cried.  I'm tearing up now.

We've already discussed moving in together and getting married, so this wasn't news.  I still get nervous every time I share these things because I'm afraid he'll run off.  There's no reason for me to believe he will at this point.  It's my own insecurities.  As easy as things are between us now, I am terrified.

What's the best way to deal with fear?  For me it's facing it head on.  I have a pinterest board of wedding ideas.  Maybe I'll create one for apartment things, too.  It will become my virtual vision board.

It's crazy to think that one day I'll be Mrs. Thighs McGee Donkey Lastname Lover!  GAH!

Caffeinator!!

AAAHAHAHHAHHA!  I had a half decaf/half caf coffee this morning and now my heart won't stop racing and I can't stop typing and my palms are clammy and I JUST LOVE LIFE IN THE MOST FAST PACED WAY EVER.

Deep breaths...deeeeep breaths...

SO, I sent my previous post to Q yesterday.  He liked it and thanked me for the kind words. So awesome!!!

This is what my heart/brain/fingers want to say...

Gaahahahahaahhh coffee coffee coffee. I love MDLL. Do I still need to use nicknames on here? What happens if I just made myself Googleable after all of these years? Nah that would be dumb because I bitch about some people and I don't want to be mean. Maybe I'll clean it up so I'm not mean anymore. I don't like being mean because it's just unnecessary. I wonder if I'll ever reach Buddhahood. Do I want to be enlightened?  Sometimes it's overwhelming to think about. I want to show compassion and help others but there's occasions when I GET SO MAD or judgey and I have to catch myself and say, this isn't nice.  For example, lately I've been seeing women with babies begging for money in the subway. My first thought is, poor baby. Second, child abuse! Third, do they really need the money or is that woman just using her baby to make us feel bad?  I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON.  I feel like such a jerk!!  Am I that jaded and self-absorbed to think that a woman would bring her baby to sit in the hot subway to pull one over on me???  If I have food on me, 9 times out of 10 I will give it to a homeless person.  I like doing this and I feel more comfortable giving them food than money because I don't want them to spend it on alcohol or drugs. Then again, can I blame them if they DID spend it on alcohol or drugs?  I live a great life and I still get fucked up to escape...

I watched Wanderlust last night, the movie where Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd are NYers and end up in a commune/intentional community. I was MacGrubered again, my word for wrongly thinking a movie was going to suck. PS Watch MacGruber.  Can I live without possessions and money and be happy?  Can MDLL and I move to an island and be satisfied?  Can I learn how to type without putting two spaces after a period, which news to me, turns out to be incorrect?  It is ingrained!!


The stories and characters I created in my head a few years ago don't seem to fit who I am now.  This is okay. I don't know what direction I would take a book at this point anyways.  I wouldn't mind being one of the published bloggers of late, taking stories from my life and hoping for a Bossypants type success.  Who doesn't, right?

I'm debating going to kickboxing tonight. BOO. Boo to the debate, that is. I swear there was a time a couple of months ago when I was excited to go workout.  Not lately!  I'm feeling quite sluggish.  I'm blaming it on the 15 pounds I gained this year.  My problem is night eating.  I'm embarrassed to write what I ate yesterday, but maybe it'll help me stop being a piggy:

Breakfast - greek yogurt, banana, Kind GF granola

Lunch - grilled chicken, veggies, and white rice

Snack - M&Ms

After work - a GF turkey sandwich with avocado and hummus, carrots and hummus, two rice cakes with peanut butter, and two fruit ice pops over four hours

I'm afraid to look at the calories...doing it now...

2076 calories. Sigh. COW.  Get this shit!!!!  MDLL stopped drinking and ate healthy for FOUR WHOLE DAYS last week and lost seven pounds.  What a jerk!!  A hot sexy jerk!

Ahhhhhhhh. Caffeine jitters subsided.  Tempted to finish my coffee now and start the nuts up again.

HA! Start the nuts up.

The end.

Write the truth.

I was 20 years old when I bought my first comic. The books I had read prior to then were my brother's and since I was away at school I no longer had access to his stash.

The guy at the store was really helpful. I told him I'd like to read something new, not pick up a series in the middle of an arc. He thought about it for a minute and asked if I liked Kevin Smith movies. I grew up in Jackson, New Jersey - of course I liked Kevin Smith movies. He handed me the first three issues of Marvel Knights Daredevil. My life changed forever. I never saw artwork like this before.  Joe Quesada, Jimmy Palmiotti, and the colorists blew my mind. I'm not even going to try to explain why, they just did. 'Nuff said.

Whenever I felt inspired to draw I would go to a nearby park and copy Q's pencils over and over again. I did this until I graduated. I have no idea what I did with most of my sketches, but I still have my favorite one. It is a copy of the cover to issue 4 seen below.  My park/art/Q/creative time is one of the few peaceful memories I have of my early 20s. I both found and lost myself in his and my art; I deeply cherish those moments to this day.

About four years later I went to my first convention in Philly. I was waiting on line to get Q to sign my copy of NYX #1 when all of a sudden I panicked. Right when I was about to go up to the table I totally chickened out. I told my brother I couldn't do it and ran off. I have no idea why I got so scared, but to this day I swear things wouldn't have ended up the way they did had I spoken to Q then. Nine months later I was hired at Marvel, my office three doors down from his. Fate is a funny thing.

Needless to say I was a freak the first few times I spoke to him. I have no idea if Q remembers any of this, but I do. My face turned redder than usual and my tongue would swell up. I probably drooled. A hot mess was I. Over time my bajiggitiness subsided, but every once in a while I still get a fangirl pang in my heart. I think I always will.

The Marvel holiday party was during my last week working for them in 2007. Q said something to me at the party that, once again, has changed my life forever. He said, "You're a good writer." Say what???  Q thinks I'm a good writer?? Say WHAT??? I was in shock. It meant the world to me to hear him say this. The WORLD.

Q suggested I go to Robert McKee's writing course to learn about the craft of storytelling. This is the weekend seminar I had taken the end of March, the one I missed a portion of because I had bronchitis. The days I could attend were awesome. There were two big points that I took out of it. One, know your characters. Know every single thing about them. And two, write the truth.

I bought McKee's book a few weeks before the seminar, but never got around to reading it.   This was when Krull and I were hooking up, and since he was interested in writing I gave him my copy as a gift because I liked him so much. I guess it was good-writer-karma or something because when I went to buy a new one there were a bunch of autographed copies on the shelves. Each book was signed: "Robert McKee, Write the truth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote the above post back sometime during 2008 and never published it.  I forgot all about it until this morning when I was cleaning out my draft folder. 

Why am I posting this now?  To write the truth. To inspire myself.  One of my favorite people in the world thought I was a good writer.  Isn't that enough to stop being afraid to try?  Jimmy Palmiotti is another one of my favorite people who has become a great friend as well, the one who opened his home up to me in Florida a few months ago.  Can you imagine if 34 year old me strolled up to 20 year old me drawing in the park at Rutgers and said, "Guess what?  Not only will you work at Marvel, but you'll become friends with Jimmy and Joe?"  First, I would have maniacally laughed thinking I was having an acid flashback. Second, I would have shit my pants. Third, telling myself about the future would have altered the space-time continuum and changed my fate.  I'd now be an obese 34 year old mother of seven wearing a too tight Power Girl costume at conventions being pissed off future me told past me too much and ruined my life...

My fear of failing (or succeeding?) has stunted my creative growth to the point where I've convinced myself I don't want to create at all.  Maybe this is why my biological clock turned on this year.  I believe all human beings want to create, so it's possible that since I've denied myself an artistic outlet, I now want a biological one.

Not sure what to think about all of this yet. To be continued...

Grand PMS love

I may be sitting spread-eagle with a dress on and bored at work, but life is grand!!

Guys I'm in love. Like stupid in love.  I missed MDLL a lot in Atlantic City.  I was having so much fun (Yay Socks!) that I was a little sad he wasn't there to enjoy it with me!  GAY.

It's funny, this morning I woke up and thought, "MDLL isn't my soulmate."  It felt right.  I've spent the last ten years looking for this soulmate person and you know what?  I realize now I was looking for the wrong thing.

What I was looking for is a lifemate.  MDLL is my lifemate for, well, life.  THIS MAKES ME VERY HAPPY.


Male readers, this is the nice side of PMS when it makes ladies all lovey dovey. Tomorrow I will hate you all.

(Not so) Random Diary Entry: August 8, 1989

I'm confused because I thought I got my first period on the 10th.  I guess not!  Happy Happy, pdiddy!

I'm very sorry I haven't been writing in here every day but I felt I should today. I got my period! I'm not very happy though. It's a crummy day excpet for 2 things. A. I got school clothes. B. Richie.

You're probably wondering who he is. He's Patrick's brother. Richie might not be the best looking kid around but he is funny.

LATER!

Fast Times!

This week has gone by uber fast.  No, I wasn't drunk again. In fact, I haven't had a drink since brunch on Sunday.  Yay!

I've been in Rochester with my boss for the past few days, which is NOT the reason I've been sober. Iron is so fun; I know she was itching to get wasted.  I was good and detoxed instead.  I'm giving my body a rest from the booze in preparation for Atlantic City this weekend.  Hurrah!!

I'm at the airport waiting to fly home now.  I feel so blessed to have such a great boss and a job that allows me room to breathe.  They have a call in twenty minutes with a potential HUGE client that I thought was in NYC, but is based in LA.  I would have to do a ton of travelling back and forth.  This makes me sad because I'll miss MDLL, but at least I'll be able so see my brother a lot!  There's a possibility I might be out there for eight weeks straight, so I may even get an apartment rather than live in a hotel.  We shall see.  Fingers crossed Biz gets it!!!

Tonight I have to go home and do some homework for a focus group.  Do you remember the dental hygiene one?  Well, almost a year to the day I was called to do another one.  What is it?  Wait for it..................

GLUTEN FREE BEER!  Woot!!  I'm so psyched!  I stick with cider and vodka, so it will be fun to try some GF beer.  My homework is to pretend I am buying alcohol for a party, write down what I would get and how I would feel about it, then take pictures of the product.  I get paid $50 for doing the homework and another $125+ for sitting through the two hour session tomorrow afternoon.  Sweet!!  Maybe I'll be rejected again and pocket the money. Doubly sweet!!

Tomorrow night I'll probably go to kickboxing.  I'm not sure yet as I'm FINALLY getting tired of doing so many activities lately.  I might stay in tomorrow and chill before AC.  I need it!! After this weekend I am done with buying new Groupons for a while.  This is what I have left: GF pizza at Mozzarelli's (need to use ASAP), karaoke (9/15), a survival camp class (9/25), a yoga hike with Juniper, two bike rentals, and a boat ride around the city for two.  As for other funness, I have the Color Run (8/26), NFL Run (8/30), Jay-Z (10/1), Socks' wedding (10/14), and Steelers vs. Giants game (11/4).  I AM NOT MOVING THE REST OF THE YEAR!!

Okay I'm boarding!! See ya in NYC!

A Night to Remember

Last Sunday I considered not drinking for the month of August.  I've been wasted since Thursday.

Last night at Juniper's BBQ I drank and smoked some really good weed.  So fun!!  Of course I don't remember much after MDLL and I left.  I remember making a super strong screwdriver and taking it into the cab.  Then I woke up and started piecing the night together.

A container of chili was in the kitchen.  We went to Crazy Ass and got nachos to go?!!??

Half eaten nachos were in the living room along with two empty taco containers and two empty bottles of cider.  We had a feast!?!?!?

I was wearing MDLL's t-shirt and shorts, but no underwear.  When I went to the bathroom my underwear and bra were hanging on the back of the door.  I had taken a shower, which isn't rare in the summer.  My skin gets really hot, so I usually take a super cold shower for a couple of minutes to cool off. I call it an arctic blast.

I get back in bed and told MDLL my findings.  He wasn't as messed up as I was, so he filled me in.

We got into a cab and I kept chanting "Nachos! Nachos! Tacos! Tacos!"  We get to the bar and bicker for a few minutes because I want to bring my drink in.  He said I can't, I said what's the big deal, and walk in.  My drink was in a red cup, the international symbol of drinking alcohol (why don't they make plastic cups look like pint glasses?) so everyone knew I brought a drink in.  I take a glass from behind the bar and poured it in.  As MDLL put it, I am one class act.

For some reason the nachos took FOREVER.  I kept trying to leave and the bartender had to remind me to wait for my food like seven times.

That was all MDLL remembered.  I asked about the shower.  He assumed it was for an arctic blast, too.

It was not.

There are two doors into his building.  At the inside door right below the step was a pile of puke.  SOMEHOW I SLIPPED AND FELL INTO SOMEONE'S VOMIT.

I remember it getting on my arm. I also remember two other people there witnessing it.  What the fuck!?!?!  Who steps in puke and falls in it!?!?  I must have seen it, was I so fucked up I couldn't step over it???  GEEZ!!

I called MDLL and laughed like a crazy person (I am a crazy person) for five minutes straight.  Oddly enough there wasn't any puke on my clothes except for a little spot by the waistband of my capris.  I don't know how that happened unless I slid into it on my belly.  SO GROSS.

A night to remember...

CFA

My two cents on the Chick-Fil-A hoopla:

I am part liberal, democrat, and socialist, so obviously I don't agree with CFA's values.  I can't fathom hating a person based on their race, religion, sexual orientation, or gender. I also can't fathom being so wrapped up in another person's lifestyle choices when they have nothing to do with me. WORLDMEWORLD

That being said, everyone has the right to their opinion and the freedom to donate to whatever charity they deem as worthy.  What I don't understand is the choice to be ANTI something rather than FOR something.

Wouldn't it be a much nicer idea to donate your money to young hetero couples who are struggling to have kids, pay medical bills, or afford a home?   How about donating to a charity that gives free marital advice to hetero couples with the hopes of reducing the divorce rate?   At least then your motivation is helping people you feel comfortable supporting rather than taking from or condemning people you don't understand.

Be driven by love, not hate!!

Thighs Book Club

I decided to stop being a wuss and start reading again.  Reading makes me uncomfortable because it's a reminder of how I haven't been writing.  Well, fiction writing.  My characters have been sitting in my brain bored out of their minds for the last four years.  It might sound silly I have to prepare myself to read, but I am.  I am womaning up, throwing on some warpaint, and facing my fears head on.

What fears do I have with reading?  One, reading someone else's published work will make me feel like shit that I don't have any published works.  Or you know, a finished book. Two, reading someone else's published work inspires me to create.  Creating is scary!!!  If you create something, it exists!! It's out there for all of the word to judge!  For people to rip apart and analyze and judgejudgejudge.  Judgmental people are so mean!!!

Obviously I need to chill out.  I am going to rewire myself to find reading pleasurable again.  My first book choice should help me relax:

How to Practice The Way to a Meaningful Life by His Holiness the Dalai Lama

There are so many wonderful ideas in this book! I love it. Here is one I want to share.

From the chapter Extending Help > The Value of Difficult Circumstances is an excerpt from Shantideva's A Guide to the Bodhisattva Way of Life:

"For a practitioner of love and compassion, an enemy is one of the most important teachers. Without an enemy you cannot practice tolerance, and without tolerance you cannot build a sound basis of compassion. So in order to practice compassion, you should have an enemy.

When you face your enemy who is going to hurt you, that is the real time to practice tolerance. Therefore, an enemy is the cause of the practice of tolerance; tolerance is the effect or result of an enemy. So those are cause and effect. As is said, 'Once something has the relationship of arising from that thing, one cannot consider that thing from which it arises as a harmer; rather is assists the production of the effect.'"

In my words, you need the dark to see the light.  I love this.

Reading is fun!

I went to kickboxing...

AND I FEEL FANTASTIC! HOORAY!!

If you haven't picked up on this yet, I am very self-conscious about being the Red Faced Wonder. It's a cute name and all, but I am still scarred from hearing "tomatoface" and "You're so red!" for the past 30+ years.  I am also a disgusting sweater, which I only recently came to terms with because I now realize I would die if my body didn't cool itself down.

There are a few people I hope never, ever, ever see me in workout gross:

1. MDLL
2. my old boss Keith from the Mighty Bird who had a hippie Thor thing going on
3. Krull, the hot redhead I hooked up with four years ago
4. Rem

Guess who was at kickboxing when I walked in?  Krull! Gah!  I was so embarrassed and I hadn't even taken my shoes off yet!  This is what went through my head:

fuck! he's going to see me all red and sweaty and gross and be like "i'm so glad i didn't stay with that girl" and he's probably all in shape and i'm going to be crying through my pushups and kicking the bag like one of Jerry's Kids and he's going to laugh at me and i'm going to be sick and want to run out screaming gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

I stayed. I'm glad I did. It was good to let my ego get knocked down a bit.  Guess what?  He's Irish. Guess what what?  He gets red and sweaty too...although he still manages to look hot. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Oh right, I don't think I've mentioned we run into each other at least once a month and we emailed a bit when he was looking for a new apartment.  I am so happy about this!  Like I wrote in the post I linked to above, I always thought Krull and I had a good connection.  I admired him, too.  Maybe we can be responsible free spirit friends together!

Is it sad I still don't know how to say I have a boyfriend?  I mentioned I'm heading to Crazy Ass because "I'm still dating MDLL."  The words felt weird as they left my mouth.  Now that I'm writing them it doesn't seem so strange.  I AM still dating MDLL.  I guess the "still" is what bothered me?  I don't know...

It's so interesting to me to be full on in love with MDLL, want to spend the rest of my life with him, maybe have a kid or two, and yet be attracted to other men.  I don't mean attracted as in I want to sleep with them, just an obvious connection.  It's pretty cool, actually!! I never had to keep my dick in my pants before, so any connection usually meant I was banging the dude.  Now that I am in a committed monogamous relationship I get to experience a different kind of relationship with other men in my life.  I like it!

Great!

Today is a great day.  I worked from home, so I was able to get a lot done around the house when new tech issues weren't coming in:

wrote
went through photographs (obviously)
shredded 8 years worth of documents in a shredder I bought three months ago, but never used
went to the bank
caught up with Spags
caught up with Annie
did the dishes (full sink, yuck)
straightened up
meditated
and now I'm writing again before I go to kickboxing.

I really want to bail and hang out with MDLL instead, though.  My first week I LOVED kickboxing.  The second week was brutal.  I forced myself to go and hated every minute of it.  Of course, I was happy I went in the end, but it was not fun.

The thing is I know I enjoy it.  I really do.  I just hate sweating, turning bright red, feeling like a fat ass and kicking like one.  Seriously, a one-legged person kicks better than I do.

So really, I don't actually hate kickboxing, I hate HAVING to kickbox or having to do anything else to get into shape.

For realz, I do NOT want to go. I'd rather go work up a sweat with MDLL. Hey-o!

You know who is routing for me to just do it?  No, not Bo Jackson....

Eleanor Roosevelt.  "Do one thing every day that scares you."  I've been practicing this for a few days now and I must say it's amazing. 

I'm going to kickboxing because I am scared to be judged, scared to fuck up, and sadly, might even be scared to find out my true physical potential.  Oh and bikinis.  I'm scared of wearing a bikini.

Ellie, thanks for the push. I hate working out.

Young Thighs

MDLL's mom gave him a photo album for his birthday a few years ago.  It has pictures of him as a baby up through college.  While he was an adorable child and a hot undergrad, it's so strange to see him with hair!  I don't like it!

He wanted to see pictures of me as a kid too, so when I was in Jackson last weekend I made a little photo album of myself.  As someone who loves introspection and connecting with my former selves, this experience was very therapeutic and educational for me...

1.  3 years old. Look how happy I am.  I am touched by this photo because I was pure, yet at the same time a little sad knowing the innocence didn't last.  Couldn't last?  

Note: I look exactly like my dad with a wig on and I'm wearing my cousin's hand me down Spider-Man Underoos (you can't see the red, but I know that shirt anywhere).

2.  6 years old. I'm a bit obsessed with this picture.  I wish I knew I was pretty. I'm tempted to dye my hair dark blonde/light brown this fall. 

3.  10 years old.  ME NOT PRETTY NO MORE.

4.  12 years old.  So nineties.  This was right around the time the shitshow of hormones, angst, depression, anxiety, and Boob Saga began.  I'm saddened over how much pain I was in.  I truly do wish I knew then what I know now.  I would have been nicer to myself.

5.  I don't seem to have many pictures from age 13 - 19.  The shitshow was undocumented for the most part.  Thank Shizza.  

Here I am at twenty doing E in my dorm room.  Even though I'm fucked up, this picture invokes innocence, youth, and freedom.  I had my whole life ahead of me.  I find this interesting because it's the same way I feel looking at myself as a young child.  

I was in my element when I was high or tripping. I thought it was because I was a natural space cadet (I am), but looking at my former selves all at once has given me a new perspective - I wanted to go back to a time before I was hurting.  In this moment below, I was there.

Obviously the come-down/hangover makes the pain worse, so drinking and drugging isn't the answer. Kids, just say no!!  It just struck me how similarly I reacted to this picture and the first one. 

I know a lot of people can't stand the Facebook timeline, but I see what they were trying to do.  Facebook has successfully connected us with each other, so I think the timeline was their attempt to connect us with ourselves.  There's something to be said for seeing pictures of yourself at different ages back to back. Whether you post it on FB, a blog, or in your own album, I highly suggest doing this.  Let me know how it goes!

Of course he did.

The one book I was actually psyched to read and look what happened:

At least I only paid $16 vs. the $26.  Poop.

Seriously, B&N?

I was in Barnes and Noble yesterday looking for Imagine: How Creativity Works by Jonah Lehrer.  I didn't know what section it would be in, so I looked it up on the B&N website, then asked an employee because it wasn't listed.

When I went to the counter I was taken aback by the price, $26.00 plus tax.  Having worked in publishing for ten years, I knew this was in the normal hardcover price range.  I couldn't put my finger on why it bothered me, though.

Later I went to look up something on my phone and saw this:

I guess the online cost didn't register when I was at the actual register. The price for the same book was TEN DOLLARS less on their own website.

I understand shopping online almost always saves you money, but that is ridiculous. I thought I was doing a good deed by giving their brick and mortar some business.  While I don't read as much as I used to, I do enjoy going to a bookstore.  In fact, I don't really like shopping online at all, but now that I pay attention to my spending habits, there's no way I can give up going the cheaper route.

Seriously, B&N?  I'm so disappointed.

Fartnugget and morons

I can't stop laughing at my last post.  I am such a nerd.  I love my sweet fartnugget and he loves me. GET OVER IT, THIGHS.

This week is MUCH better than the past two.  I've been exercising, meditating, and therapying with Cee.  Yay for good health!

Did I mention I had a gluten attack in Vegas?  It was only for a few hours.  Stupid orzo got me again. Why does it have to look like rice!?!?  It was annoying, yet comforting in a weird way.  At least I know I still have a problem!  MDLL's Guinness looked mighty tasty to me last night.  It was the first time I debated risking it in a while, but I won't.  It's not worth it.

Tomorrow night I'm heading down to Jackson for my dad's birthday. Rippie came home for it! I'm excited to hang with the fam for a few days.  I love those morons.

Life is good!

Dr@m@t!c

Back to my regularly scheduled self-involvement...

I am dramatic.  I always knew this, but it really hit home last week. Case in point, I am bored with MDLL now that the elephant in the room is gone. I AM THE WORST.

We hang out, we have fun, we have great talks, we have amazing sex, and we love each other.  Rinse and repeat. BORING.  Where's the excitement?  Where's the fight?  Where are the tears, the heartache, the knots in my stomach? 

I told MDLL how I felt last night.  He laughed and said, "I can get married again if you want."  Nicely done, sir. 

This is the first time in my life I am in a happy, healthy, stress-free relationship.  There's always some sort of drama within my family or friends, so I honestly do not know what to do with myself right now.  It's almost like a phantom limb - I can feel the old drama, but there's nothing actually there. I sort of miss it.  Do I break up with him? Do I punch him in the face?  He's already bald, so I can't shave his head in his sleep.  Should I shave my head in my sleep?  WHAT DO SANE COUPLES DO AT THIS JUNCTURE??

Interestingly enough, I am in the middle of a rough spot with someone else. I don't consider it drama, just something that happens to friends after a while.  Naturally I chose to meet it head on rather than let it run its course, which is my way for most things in life.  Am I confrontational because I am dramatic?  Vice versa?  Can you be one without the other?

I learned so much about myself the past two weeks because of the shift in these two relationships.  It's eye-opening, exciting, sad, and overwhelming.  I love delving into myself to find my truths, to know who I really am, but I need a way to do this without involving others.  The problem is, I don't think it's possible.  Who am I without You and our shared experiences?  Who am I without Your opinion of me?  Who are any of Us without each Other?  What is the meaning of anything and everything!?!?! GAH!

Drama!!

Bad things

There was an episode of CSI a while ago where someone was killed in a movie theater. That was the first time it occurred to me how vulnerable a person is while engrossed in a film. Engrossed in anything, really, but the noise and darkness contributes to how easily one can be attacked.

I forgot all about this until last Friday, for obvious reasons.  My heart goes out to all of the victims and their families.  It saddens me that people like the shooter exist in this world.  The scariest part to me is he doesn't seem to be insane, abused, or any other "good" reason for being a murderer.  It appears he did this because he could. 

I'm not completely sure what I want to say about all of this yet.  I'm exploring it as I type, so please bear with me:

1. I hope he gets life in prison.

2. I hope the victims and their families are given proper grief and PTSD counseling.

3. I am embarrassed to admit this, but when I first heard about the shooter I was hoping he was white.  If he was black or hispanic, there's no doubt in my mind we would have a race war on our hands, especially during this election year. The idea terrifies me.

4. I am extremely disappointed in the comments I am reading on Facebook and elsewhere.  Everyone has opinions.  I get and respect this.  What I don't get is why everyone thinks they are being attacked.  The people in the theater were attacked, not you.  If you want to have an intelligent discussion about your stance on gun control then be respectful and LISTEN. 

I do not understand guns nor the need to own them. I live in New York City and I feel safe without one, so I don't get why anyone else in the country needs to carry.  Who exactly is threatening your safety?  Let's say I did have a gun and someone broke into my apartment.  Would I be capable of killing them?  Do I WANT to be capable of killing them?  I hope I never have to find out.

My stance - you want to own a gun go ahead, but you should have sufficient training and a psychological evaluation before it's in your posession.  Once you receive a license and the gun is registered, your information should stored in some sort of weapons database (an idea I read this morning).  Big brother, my ass. If you have nothing to hide, you should have no problem with logging your arsenal.

5. This is nothing new...the media absolutely sucks. Keep the guy out of the press and keep the cameras out of the courtroom for once.  Don't sensationalize this schmuck. This is why I refuse to write his name.  He doesn't deserve the attention.  HE BETTER NOT GET A BOOK DEAL EITHER.

The end.

Rent or Own?

I overheard a woman and man talking about renting out apartments.  It sounded like the woman was a landlord, saying she'd move to the front apartment and charge $1200 a month for the basement apartment.  After listening some more I made the assumption they were brother and sister or at least related. I also thought they were older than me by their thick New York accents and knowledge of real estate.

I turned to look at them on my way out. The guy was probably in his mid-20s.  I couldn't tell about the woman. She could have been early 30s.  Why does age matter?  One of things they said was, "yada yada yada...he's such a loser, he doesn't even own anything."

When did renting make a person a loser?

Furball and I recently discussed this in regards to our parents.  It seems to me their generation's measure of success was a steady job, marriage, kids, own a home, a car, and maybe an inground pool.  I guess you could say it's the same nowadays too, but for me, single and living in NYC, it is not.  To me, a truly successful person is happy and inspires others to by happy.  That's it.

Two things struck me as odd about their conversation and estimated age range.  One, if they do own buildings around Astoria, wouldn't they have gotten some sort of financial help at their age?  Yes it's quite possible they were better with money than I am.  An old friend bought a condo in NJ around 27, but that's not an apartment building in the city.  Two, isn't that a rather outdated way of thinking especially in NYC and considering the tumultous economy?  Obviously owning has it's benefits, but if you can't afford everything that comes with owning, why bother?

I'm not angered by their opinion at all, I just found it interesting.  I'm not sure if I'll ever own an apartment or home.  I can't imagine leaving NYC, but if I have kids I might want to for better school systems.  I would love a backyard, even if it's just big enough for a grill and garden.  My parents have owned their home in Jackson for 26 years. They plan on renting in Brooklyn when they move, so that they don't have to deal with keeping up the property.  Seems smart to me, but then again...

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me...