Coldergies

I haven't been feeling well for over a week now. My throat was killing me, I lost my voice, my sinuses are throbbing, and I was up coughing through the night for a few days. I can't tell if it's a cold or allergies. Maybe it's both. Every year I get sick around Halloween and Christmas, so this is nothing new. I am nervous this is the start of being sick for another eight months, though.

I'm trying not to stress myself over it because then I'll feel worse. The only thing I can do is clear my schedule, take it easy, and rest. I'm at work today because I have therapy in the city tonight, so I figured I might as well come in. I'm tired, my face is scrunchy, my eyes are heavy, and my nose feels like it is made of cement. Hopefully the Advil and Allegra will kick in and help!

I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy I am healthy

Color Buddies tumblr!

I decided to create a new site from my Fun with Colors post. Check it out!

The tumblr isn't related to Thighs at all, mainly because this blog is still relatively private (read: MDLL doesn't know the link and my parents aren't allowed to read it).

I'm excited. Yay!

Song in my head.

I read once that whenever you have a random song stuck in your head, your subconscious picked it because the lyrics reflect your thoughts.

I can't for the life of me remember what song was in my head yesterday when I was upset about MDLL. Today, when I am hopeful:

Celine Dion "That's The Way It Is"

I can read your mind and I know your story
I see what you're going through
It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry
But I know it will come to you

Don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When you question me for a simple answer
I don't know what to say, no
But it's plain to see, if you stick together
You're gonna find a way, yeah

So don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When life is empty with no tomorrow
And loneliness starts to call
Baby, don't worry, forget your sorrow
'Cause love's gonna conquer it all, all

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

That's the way it is
That's the way it is, babe
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is.

11111

I find myself on Facebook, Twitter, and random sites a lot lately. I've never been a big websurfer (do people still say that word?), but I find myself waiting for comments and retweets like they are phone calls from a guy I like. I guess I'm feeling a bit disconnected and lonely now that MDLL is out of the picture. We texted everyday almost all day, so it makes sense I need to fill the void.

I'm also very me-focused. I want to talk talk talk and be heard heard heard. The usual. I don't think I've ever been this self-aware of my need to do/be both, though.

It's like my comment on Jezebel yesterday. I'm pretty surprised I wrote it because I hate comments, especially the ones that say, "I haven't read/seen/tried the book/movie or tv show/product you are discussing, but let me give you my two cents anyways." Really? You have nothing to contribute, yet you still feel the need to say something? I wonder if I hate those commenters because they remind me of myself in a small way. I don't think I'm THAT bad, but I do have a blog all about me me me, so maybe I am.

It's like hipsters. Everyone hates them, but why? My opinion is because they remind us of ourselves. Hipsters seem to think they are special and SO COOL for being different, liking or wearing things that aren't the "norm", yet seem to ignore the fact that their hive-mind elitism is just as bad as every other social group's. Let's face it, we all surround ourselves with people we can relate to and who validate our lifestyle. There's nothing special about this.

Today marks the birth of the 7 billionth person on earth. Think about this...kids today probably think a half of the population is on Facebook. Latest statistics show there are 800 MILLION users. That is amazing, but there sure are a shitload of people not on there. If someone is on Facebook, that means they are wealthy enough to either own a computer or a smartphone, educated enough to know how to use both, and also feel the need to be connected to something. While all FB users aren't EXACTLY the same, we do have these basics in common.

I don't know where I am going with any of this. I'm on my high horse standing on a soapbox.

Maybe I'll unplug this weekend. I have to still use my cell because it's the only phone I have, but I won't go on the internet. If I'm already feeling disconnected, maybe I should sit with the it and stop forcing a virtual one.

Happy Halloween!

I can't stop writing...

Happy Halloween, bitches! Check out Goth Thighs. No one recognized me!



I was SUPER excited for Halloween this year because in 2010 I was sick, 2009 I was with Tat and the night was pretty lame, 2008 I can't even remember...

My plan was to go to my friend Eronica's house for a costume/birthday party in Long Island, but the trains were fucked. I decided to stay home until it was time to meet the gang at Crazy Ass instead. I was indifferent about seeing MDLL. I just wanted to go to my Cheers.

I ended up having a great time. We hung out as friends like nothing happened for the most part. The costumes helped. It didn't seem like I was talking to my bald ex-boyfriend/first adult love when he's wearing a wig of six inch high guido hair. I certainly didn't look like my normal Baby Spice self, either.

At the end of the night, MDLL said he missed me, we hugged then kissed good-bye. The kiss wasn't right. He felt like a stranger.

I'm at the point in the break-up cycle where I'm seeing things clearly for the first time. I gave 100% of myself to him. I don't think MDLL can say the same. Sure we had some great moments and a strong bond, but the relationship was one-sided. As I've written before, there's a difference between effortless and not making an effort. MDLL never made an effort. It was easy because I made it so.

Everyday I feel a bit lighter. I realized last night how much this relationship was weighing me down. I thought about MDLL constantly. I've been waiting for him to break out of his funk, take control of his life, and make himself happy. It finally occurred to me that it's quite possible there is no funk. This is him.

MDLL isn't getting divorced any time soon. He wasn't going to settle down and marry me, either.

It's funny. I'm the one who broke it off yet I feel rejected. If I'm really being honest with myself, I believe MDLL does love me as a friend. There were two problems though. One, our sexual chemistry is awesome. Two, I loved him and wanted more. My guess is he tried to convince himself he wanted/was ready for a serious relationship with me in order to stay close friends.

Or not. Who knows? Part of the heaviness was trying to figure out what he was thinking when, again, it's completely possible he wasn't thinking anything. His thoughts are no longer my concern. It's freeing.

I'm glad I went Saturday night. It validated my decision to let MDLL go. Don't get me wrong, though. I'm really saddened by this and hoped we could have worked things out. Christ, I wanted little MDs and Thighs running around! Gah!

He was a good man and a good friend, just not the boyfriend I want anymore. If someone I loved was going above and beyond for me, you bet your ass I'd reciprocate.

SOOO CLOSE!

Apparently I'm opinionated today.

Did anyone watch Family Guy last night? It was an episode about domestic violence. Quagmire's sister's boyfriend repeatedly beat her and she wouldn't leave him.

The episode was upsetting, but good. I felt they addressed the subject in the usual Family Guy way with off-color jokes and a lot of cartoon blood, yet kept me focused on how heinously disgusting a person is for abusing another.

I read Jezebel.com every once in a while, usually if someone forwards me a funny article. Today I decided to goof off, so I checked out the site on my own.

This article immediately caught my attention: Family Guy Hits Horrible New Low With Domestic Abuse Episode. Given the headline, I think you know what the writer thought about the show.

I completely disagreed with her and wrote my FIRST EVER COMMENT on a random op piece. I spoil the ending, so if you plan to watch it, do so before reading the below and the Jezebel article. Make your own judgment first!

I love Family Guy. For the first few minutes I was shocked by this episode, then admired McFarlane's and the writers' balls for taking on the subject matter.

I'm not sure why you didn't mention the ending. Quagmire, Joe, and Peter were so angry with Jeff that they took him to the woods to kill him. Jeff knocked out Joe and Peter, then beat and choked Quagmire. Quagmire recovered and ran Jeff over with his car.

While I obviously do not condone murder, it was clear to me the message is if a victim of abuse can't or won't help themselves, do everything you can to help them.

I agree with you they should have flashed a hotline number. I do not agree that this was a scary Halloween episode. What IS scary is that shows with Family Guy's fanbase do not use their popularity to encourage their viewers to think about serious issues such as this. Needless to say, it is even scarier that domestic abuse happens in the first place.

Thighs Review - Something Borrowed

I rarely write reviews of books, movies and/or TV shows, because a) I never read, b) I usually don't have much to say other than "It was okay/awesome/awful." and c) I can't be bothered.

Last night I watched Something Borrowed with Ginnifer Goodwin, Kate Hudson, and some guy who looks like young Tom Cruise's cousin. The premise is Ginnifer (I hate the spelling of her name although I'd like to be able to sign things "Gin") and Cousin Tom fell in love in law school, but never told each other how they felt. Enter Kate, Gin's best friend, who aggressively hits on C.T. after Gin pretends she doesn't want him. Fast forward six years later, Kate and C.T. are engaged. Gin and C.T. hook up one night, end up professing their love, and sneak around behind Kate's back for the entire movie. In the last ten minutes we find out Kate cheated on C.T. and is pregnant with the other guy's baby. Kate then catches C.T. with Gin, the girls have a huge fight and their friendship is over. Gin and C.T. live happily ever after.

Sorry for not giving a spoiler warning. At least you don't need to watch it now.

This movie pissed me off. It pissed me off enough to write about it.

I guess I'm sensitive about relationships right now. I was ready to settle down with MDLL and now we're broken up. An old friend's marriage fell apart. I was with my family for five days in California, which is the longest amount of time we've spent together in 14 years. Relationships are all I think about lately.

Love can hurt. I get it. People fall in and out of love every day. This doesn't piss me off. It's what people DO when they fall in and out of love that upsets me.

Gin repeatedly lies to Kate to cover up her relationship with C.T. She then tells C.T. to call off the wedding, knowing it will hurt her best friend. Conveniently Kate is a bit of a selfish asshole; I'm sure the director was hoping we'd hate her by the end of the movie. I did, but I hated Gin more. She's so proud of herself for "letting go" and "taking a chance on love" with barely any remorse for being a sneaky bitch and rotten person. I should hate C.T. as well, yet for some reason I don't. He's a pathetic waste of space and there's no use for him. It's the shitty and dishonest friendship that bothers me most.

I hope to Shizza a guy never comes between my girlfriends and I. Luckily we have completely different taste in men. If that day should ever come, I solemnly swear I will never, ever, EVER pursue him. If I really was in love with the guy and couldn't change my feelings, I would tell my friend upfront. I'd rather take the high road and be honest then deceitful to or jealous of one of my besties.

I remember when the trailer came out. It seemed like a dumb fun romcom. Not even close. Something Borrowed is the worst title. It should have been called Something Assholes Do In the Name of "Love".

Can you tell I am irate?? GAH!

Oh and random...apparently the movie was also a commercial for Shake Shack and Heineken. Dumb.

On a scale of one to four thighs, this movie gets none.

Uh oh...

looks like I got my appetite back. Yoga tomorrow!

Awww...I'm flattered.

One of Juniper's friends likes me. He FB friended me, IMed me yesterday, and asked her if I was single.

I'm not interested. He's young and tiny. It's nice to know I'm attractive, though! Ego stroke!

Why We Fall Out of Love (And What to Do to Prevent It)

I like this article:

Very often, we find that two people who come together out of love grow apart as the years go by. Why does this happen?

Let's say you planted a coconut tree and a mango tree in your garden when they were young saplings, and they were the same height. You thought they would get along pretty well, a great love affair! And if both of them remained stunted and never grew, they would remain compatible. But if both of them grow to their full potential, they will grow to different heights, shapes and possibilities.

If you are looking for sameness between two people, the relationship will always fall apart. After all, a man and a woman come together because they are different. So it is the differences that brought you together, and the differences may become starker and more manifest as one grows. Unless you learn to enjoy the differences as you grow, falling apart or growing apart will naturally happen. If you are expecting both people to grow in the same direction and in the same way, that is unfair to both people. It will curtail and suffocate both of their lives. Whether you fall apart in years, in months or in days simply depends on how fast you are growing.

This whole expectation that the person who partners with you should be just like you is a sure way to destroy a relationship. It is a sure way to destroy the garden. Allow, nurture and enjoy the differences between you and your partner. Otherwise, the situation will be maintained in such a way where one person is compulsively dependent upon the other, or both people are compulsively dependent upon each other.

We need to understand that relationships happen because of certain needs -- physical, emotional and psychological needs. Whatever the nature of the relationship, the fundamental aspect is you have a need to be fulfilled. We may claim many things for why we have formed a relationship, but if those needs and expectations are not fulfilled, relationships will go bad.

And as people grow and mature, these needs change. When these needs change, what looked like everything between two people will not feel the same after some time. But we do not have to base a relationship on these same needs forever and feel that the relationship is over. We can always make the relationship mature into something else.

Whatever the needs that brought people together need not be the fundamentals of a relationship forever. The very fundamentals of a relationship have to change as time passes, and as one ages and matures in many different ways. If that change is not made, growing apart or falling apart is definitely a certainty.

To be fair...

I don't want MDLL to sound like an asshole. He's not one. I guess I'm more motivated to post when I'm trying to sort out my thoughts during rough times, instead of celebrating the good ones. I've never been one to brag (I don't think), so blogging about how much my life rocks never felt natural.

To be fair, here are all of the things I love about MDLL:

He's caring, sensitive, generous, funny, smart, pensive, kind, sexy (SUPER sexy), strong, neat (much neater than me), loving, and considerate.

We have the same sense of humor when it comes to TV shows, movies, and just joking around. We are always laughing. I am pleasantly surprised every time he makes me laugh. It's not because it's hard to make me giggle, it's more because his voice rarely changes its tone and inflection. He can say, "I went to the store this morning." the same way he says "A guy at work whipped his dick out in the conference room and it was hilarious." When I make him laugh, I feel so accomplished. He has a great one.

Looks-wise, gosh don't get me started. He's tall with a swimmer's build - broad shoulders, narrow waist, muscular legs, and manly hands. His eyes are a warm light brown, almost like maple syrup. His skin is so soft, my favorite spot being the area from his ear to his shoulder which I unromantically like to refer to as his "neckmeat". I can spend days kissing it and have to fight the urge to bite a chunk out vampire-style especially when watching True Blood. I love looking at him, standing next to him, and touching him.

Shit. Now I'm horny.

While I complain about not getting flowers or thoughtful gifts, MDLL pays for probably 75% of whatever we eat or drink. He always says, "Stop it. It's my pleasure." when I try to pay.

He mails his family birthday cards.

He wears a suit to work and hangs it neatly on a hanger in front of his closet the minute he gets home. My dad used to do this, too.

If we're out at a bar surrounded by a group of friends, I notice him staring at me even when I'm not the one talking. If we are close enough to touch each other, we always do. One time all he did was lay a finger on my forearm just to feel me. I melted.

Shit. Now I'm crying.

He always teases me. A few weeks ago he was making fun of how loud and obnoxious I am. He screamed (which was funny to begin with since he's always so quiet), "I AM THIGHS. I AM TALKING. EVERYONE LISTEN TO ME." I laughed one of those belly truth laughs because he was dead on.

When he met my parents, he stood whenever they stood and didn't sit down until they sat down. He is very polite. The fact they loved him and he loved them is HUGE.

He remembers everything I tell him, which is impressive since I'm such a chatterbox*. I'm surprised when he brings up stupid shit I told him months ago or when he remembers my friends' names and stories.

We really do communicate well once we start having a tough conversation. The problem is we avoid them until it's too late.

I love when he caresses my hair, pulls my ponytail, or touches my cheek. He gives great hugs.

He says I'm hot. I've been told I'm pretty or cute, but never hot. It feels nice.

He is still the best kisser of all time. Best sex, too.

If I was trapped on a desert island and could only bring one person to spend the rest of eternity with, it would be MDLL.

I want us to see the world together, experience everything life has to offer, enjoy ourselves, love each other freely, honestly, and openly. I don't feel like we can do those things right now. I'm not quite sure what that means...

I hope this post gives you a better idea as to why I love MDLL. He is a good man and I am very, very happy to have him in my life.

I worry I'm one of those talk show doormat women who wait around for years for their significant other to commit to them, knowing deep down it will never happen, the audience chanting, "Dump him. Dump him. Dump him." I don't know what's worse - being that woman or having others THINK I am that woman. Ego much?

As I wrote in my last post, I'm struggling with defining deal-breakers. Marital status, definitely. Gifts? I'm not asking for a Louis Vuitton bag. I'm asking for a Spider-Man key chain at the dollar store. Anything that shows he is thinking of me when I'm not around, "Oooo, Thighs would like this!". I also want more of a glimpse into his interests outside of our shared ones. If he bought tickets to a band or game he wanted to see, I would love to share the experience with him. He goes to a Steelers game with his brother around Christmas. I would die if he invited me.

Shit. Now I'm confused again.


*This has nothing to do with the above...chatterbox - noun: a vag that won't stop making noises. Manujagger!

The San Francisco Treat

Drum roll please...

The trip was awesome! I had SUCH a great time with my family. I don't really feel like writing about the weekend in detail, so here's a rundown:

1. I ate seven tacos

2. We walked the Golden Gate Bridge twice

3. I really enjoyed Alcatraz. It was intense, scary, educational, and thought-provoking.

4. Mass transit in SF is great. The cable cars are a little pricey, but fun. Buy a Muni pass (it's like a Metrocard) to save moola. The BART (subway) is very convenient for traveling to the airport, downtown, and Oakland. It also sounds like a space cruiser!

5. The weather was gorgeous. 80s all weekend with no humidity.

6. I heard SF was an expensive city. It's pretty comparable to NY. The air and smell is not. SF is much nicer!

7. My dad LOVED seeing the Raiders at home, despite their embarrassing loss.

8. My mom was on her best behavior until Sunday night. She went nuts when my dad and brother weren't where they said they'd be. She would NOT let it go. I was really fucking angry about it, then I realized I wasn't letting go of the fact she wasn't letting go and calmed myself down. Sort of. It took a lot out of me to charm the rage snake to sleep.

9. Vesuvio is my new favorite bar.

10. Pictures!

I can't wait to go back to see the Giants and Athletics!

I'd rather write about MDLL. I missed him a lot this weekend. Over the summer I had planned on inviting him with us if everything was straightened out. Oh well.

I'm sort of over it now. Not over him of course, over our relationship. The first half was rough because he hid the truth about his marital status. The second half was rough because I needed to time to figure out how I felt about his marital status and he didn't make an effort to change it.

The past couple of days I've been trying to see our relationship for what it is without the drama. It's hard. I love him so much and I know he loves me, I just don't know what to do about it. One minute I have a very vivid image of us laying in bed smiling with our toddler son in between us. The next minute we're at the bar watching football as buddies, nothing more. We are such a great match in a lot of ways, but I'm beginning to wonder if the ways we don't match are deal-breakers. I procrastinate stupid shit, like redecorating my bedroom or finishing books. He procrastinates on everything. I would like to be romanced, given flowers and thoughtful gifts. He hasn't treated me to either, even after I told him I'd appreciate those things. We still really only hang out in the neighborhood, but I can't blame him entirely for that as I've been pretty lazy with the date planning. It would be nice if he came up with ideas, though.

I also finally admitted to myself I am really hurt by his inaction. I'd do anything for the kid. It's pretty apparent he wouldn't do anything for me.

But will he one day? It's hard for me to know if this is MDLL or this is his reaction to getting divorced. Is his armor up?

Whatever the case, it's obvious the relationship we've had for the past year is over. If we were besties who liked to fuck, fine. It was awesome, but I want more. If it IS more than that we'll try again with, as he said, a clean slate for 2012.

I may take this back tomorrow, but right now, at this moment, I am glad we are broken up. We both have some thinking to do.

Six days!

MDLL and I texted every day last week, so it wasn't much of a break. I ended up stopping by the bar to see him Saturday night. It was a dumb decision considering it was 2am and we both had been drinking for a few hours. We had our first spat. Not quite an argument or fight, just a spat.

The next day I was angry. I'm still angry. I hate this. I hate being in this situation. I hate feeling this way. I hate him. Okay, that's a lie although we broke up for good Sunday night. We hit a wall. There's nothing left to do until his divorce is final.

I didn't hear from him again until last night. He called and apologized for everything. He said he's going to get divorced as soon as possible. He loves me and wants us to be together. It felt good to hear his voice and hear him take responsibility for it all, but truthfully I'm not holding my breath. There's no reason for me to believe he's going to see this through in a timely manner. If he does, I don't know how we'll bounce back from this considering my trust in him is wavering.

A couple of years ago I had a falling out with a good friend. I made my peace with it a while ago. She, well, not so much. While it's uncomfortable knowing someone in the world hates me, the hardest part is the resulting split of our group of friends. The ones I'm still friends with are neutral, the rest took her side and don't speak to me. Sometimes it hurts me that no one took my side and dropped her, but I get over it. The important thing is I am not letting it eat me up anymore. I have too many good things in my life to hold onto the bad vibes.

The reason I brought her up is she's about to get divorced. Her husband dropped a bomb out of nowhere. I feel AWFUL. I remember when they met, I was at their wedding, and he was always nice to me after the fight, at least to my face. What a fucking dick though. I get that people break up, but he did it in a very shitty way. I want to reach out and support her, but like I said, she hasn't let our drama go and probably never will.

Since I can't do any thing for her, I am trying to learn from the experience and put my life in perspective. I hope that doesn't read shitty. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. What I mean is, her break up just goes to show that you never fucking know what will happen. If you asked me a month ago if I thought they'd stay together, I'd say yes. Shit, if you asked her a month ago I'm sure she would, too. My point is, all we can ever do is trust ourselves, have faith we will survive what life throws at us, love the way we want to be loved, and hope for the best. I know she'll make it through this and even though my situation with MDLL is nowhere near the disappointment and heartache she must be feeling, I know I will make it through this too.

I decided I'm taking the next two months off from boys. I'm going to enjoy the rest of the year by focusing on how to make myself a better person. 2011 started off shitty and, break up aside, is ending up awesome. I feel stronger, wiser, and more stable. Somehow this has become the best year of my entire life and I want to see it through.

Up next, Thighs Family trip to California starts tomorrow! Have I ever mentioned my dad is an Oakland Raiders fan? Very strange considering he was born and raised in Brooklyn. Anyhoo, I've wanted to take him to a home game for years. We're finally going this weekend. I cannot WAIT to see his face when we get there. I took him to a Jets/Raiders game in '05 (I think) and he was like a kid on Christmas. There I was, freezing my ass off all bundled up, while he sat on the edge of his seat, coat unzipped, no hat, no gloves, with happy twinkles in his eyes. I love that punk. My word I am getting sentimental in my old age...

My mom and brother are coming, too. We haven't taken a family vacation since Disney World in 1997. My mom and I fought the entire time. I was probably the only person in the history of the world contemplating suicide in the Magic Kingdom. Yes, I was always dramatic.

Keep your fingers crossed the trip goes well, things turn around for an old friend, and MDLL gets his shit together so we can start fresh in the new year.

Three weeks!

Gah! I can't believe I haven't posted in three weeks. Actually I can. A lot was going on! The rundown:

On September 24th, my parents came up to Queens to meet MDLL. It was AWESOME. Like incredibly awesome. They love him and he loves them, especially my dad. I couldn't have asked for a better night.

The next morning my mom said we are a great couple and can see he loves me, but meeting him makes his relationship status even more confusing. If we have such a good thing going, why isn't he processing his divorce yet? More on this later.

MDLL called me that evening to say he sprained his ankle and could barely walk. When I got to his house his ankle was huge and he was inexcruciating pain every time he tried to get up. He refused to go to the doctor (stupid boys!), so after an hour of pleading and the promise of a beej if he went (stupid boys!) I finally got him to go to the ER.

SIX HOURS LATER, we find out he has a sprained ankle and a fractured fibula. The fracture was a clean one, so luckily all he needed were crutches and an aircast. Strangely enough, The Gentleman also happened to be in the ER with a friend who was having bad panic attacks. I rarely feel awkward because, well, I don't know why, but I did then. MDLL was sitting in a wheelchair while The G-Man is standing three feet away, watching me console the guy I dumped him for. Awkward turtle! (Janey!)

I have a new appreciation for anyone who uses crutches in NYC. It is NOT easy to get around, especially when you live on the third floor of a walk-up like MDLL. I helped out by doing his food shopping, running errands, bringing dinner, cleaning up, etc. I was his nurse for the whole week. It felt good to take care of him. I finally got to repay him for keeping me company when I was sick earlier this year.

The timing sort of sucked, though. We were starting another conversion at work, so I was putting in a good 10 hours a day at the office, then going to MDLL's after. I was basically running on adrenaline the whole time. It felt good! Best two weeks I've ever had at Biz. It was the first time I felt well enough to really dive in and focus. I learned a ton about the job, about my strengths and weaknesses, and am working on setting higher expectations for myself. Sure I'm sitting at work blogging away at the moment, but I needed to vent...

So. The divorce.

Things with MDLL have been amazing. I am so in love with him. This is it. Like IT-IT. My life is changed forever.

The one problem we still have is communication. Neither of us want to have tough conversations. I don't want to ask him if he's processed the divorce because I'll feel like a naggy drag. He doesn't bring it up because things are going well and he knows I'll be upset he still hasn't moved forward. We are afraid to acknowledge the elephant in the room.

Finally this past Sunday we discussed the divorce and many other things, from living together to marriage to how we're spending the holidays this year. I told him I need to understand why he hasn't processed the paperwork. He's not sure why he keeps putting it off. He knows he doesn't want to get back together with his wife (I hate this word), he knows he loves me, but he doesn't know why he hasn't moved forward.

We're back to where we've been four other times since we met. On a break. He needs to do this on his own. I can't help him, I can't force him, I can't do anything except give him time and space. It sucks.

I can't cave either. We need to be apart until the paperwork is being processed. He says he wants it done by 2012 so he can have a clean slate. Hopefully he sticks to the timeline. Hopefully our relationship isn't wiped from the slate, too.

Greetings!

What a week! The rundown:

Tuesday night MDLL and I went to Citi Field for Star Wars/Stand Up for Cancer night. It was really cool to watch scenes from the movies up on the jumbotrons and hear The Imperial March throughout the game. It was also fun to go with MD. We tend to hang in Astoria a lot, so it was great to go out and do something!

Wednesday through Friday my coworker and I went to Rochester to work at my boss' house. I was a little worried about staying there because really, who does that? I had visions of me sleep-walking into her bed or accidentally shitting on her dining room table. Luckily neither of these things happened and we all had a great time! Conversion starts on Monday so the next couple of weeks are going to be crazy. I'm pretty excited about it because this is my opportunity to show what I can do. Fingers crossed everything goes well!

I spent most of the weekend with MD in the hood. Friday I must have had at least seven vodka/seltzers. I haven't been that drunk or hungover in a while. Saturday Bacon and I hung out during the day for some girl time. Saturday night MD and I discussed my period being late and freaked out.

A couple of weeks ago we had prophylactic difficulties. Apparently there has been a pregnant woman parade between my apartment and the office every day since then, because I swear to Shizza I couldn't go five feet without seeing a bun in the oven. Isn't it funny/not funny how that works? I convinced myself this must mean I was with child and actually started picking names.

I am not pregnant. You know what's sad/crazy/interesting about this? While it would be completely inconvenient for me to have a baby right now, there was a small part of me that liked the idea. I don't know what the fuck is going on. Is this the biological clock I've heard so much about?? WHAT IS HAPPENING???

Sunday = football. I am so glad it's back!! The Jets look great. The Giants, not so much. It's only week 3, it's only week 3...

What else? Eh, I guess that's it. Family, 9/11, full moon, baby thoughts, PMS...I always seem to be extra sensitive in September. Maybe it has something to do with astrology and my half-birthday. Anyone want to look this up for me? I'm going to bed.

Stalk request

Note: Sy is MDLL's heterosexual life partner.

Dear MDLL,

Sy and I would both like to Facebook stalk you, but we can't see anything on your wall other than shit we post ourselves.

Please fix your profile.

Love,

Your girlfriends

Yesterday

Last week was a rough one for a lot of people. I always get moody and depressed around this time of year. The full moon and PMS doesn't help.

I know we need and should remember the attacks, but seriously, enough already. Last year was the first time I admitted to myself how much I was affected by the experience. Trust me when I say I will never forget, because to this day whenever I see a plane in the sky I silently wait for it to blow up.

I will also never forget because the fucking media won't let me. I avoid the news like the plague from mid-August to mid-September. I know the coverage helps people heal, but in my circle, it only seems to help non-New Yorkers feel connected to something that truthfully, no one should want to feel connected to. Just shut the fuck up already.

I'm sorry. I know I'm reading like a unpatriotic bitter asshole. It's because I feel like one.

There were two reasons I was happy about yesterday being yesterday. One, football is back. Two, halfway through making a smoothie I thought, "Oh shit, the milk's probably bad." When I read it expires on 9/11/11, I cheered the date for the first time in ten years. Then I poured the milk into the blender and it was cheese. Figures.

The Steelers and Giants looked awful, both losing division games. The Jets had a big win, but I was in bed by 9:30pm and missed it.

The only good thing about yesterday was I had a great time watching crappy games with my best friend and boyfriend. I also called my parents and brother to tell them I loved them. I cried a little bit, but not nearly enough as I needed. Maybe I can have a good cryfest tonight.

Fuckingshitballasslickbitchfacehorsecocknwordfworddickholecuntheads.

Uncomfortable Love Beat

Sharing the truth about MDLL's divorce was the most uncomfortable post I've ever written. It's interesting because I've shared some pretty intimate things on here. I guess the difference is all of my previous posts were about me and my personal life, not someone else's. I decided to keep it up because of how uncomfortable it made me feel. Was my discomfort indicative of how uncomfortable I am with our situation or am I just worried he will find out and be angry with me? If I take it down at this point, am I lying?

I appreciate the feedback I've received on the subject. I was very surprised how much this bothered me. Me? Morals? Values? My parents will be married for 37 years this month. I never thought I would want what they have, but I do. Those idiots love the shit out of each other, even when they want to beat the shit out of each other. I love MDLL so much that I'd like to punch him in the face.

Saturday afternoon I listened to a voicemail from my parents while I was on my way to meet MDLL. My dad said something like, "Thighs, we've done some soul searching. While we aren't happy he's not divorced yet, we do not want this to come between us. Please tell MDLL he's welcome to come to the party."

I cried one of those heavy soul cries. I called Bacon, then I called my parents. I sobbed and blathered while walking the mile to the bar. It was a HUGE olive branch and an even bigger weight off my shoulders. I told MDLL and we both decided to wait so he can meet them one on one and not with 30 of my cousins there. I missed him a lot, but it was fun showing everyone his pictures and talking him up. It's obvious I'm in love.

Last night I stopped by his apartment because he said he wasn't feeling well. I brought him some chicken soup, orange juice, tissues, etc. figuring it was just a little cold. Nope, the poor kid had the flu and 102 fever! His skin was on fire!

Of course I have to watch my own health after the shitstorm of this year. I went to bed at 9:30pm and woke up at 7am feeling awful. I said fuck it, I'm sleeping in and working from home today. I slept until ten, now I'm working. Well blogging, but I am actually running shit on my laptop too.

I feel okay now, just beat. I refuse to get sick damn it!

Win!

Things with Voldemort are better, but she is still a bitch.

Small win...I just dropped a majorly stinky cheese poop. She went into the same stall seconds later.

Take that Voldie!

I'm ready. I think.

I'm ready to talk about the new information. I guess I held off for so long because everything seems real once I write it on Thighs. Also, I'm not sure how MDLL will feel if I air out his personal business on my personal blog. MD, if you ever read this, I'm sorry. I need to Thighsighs up the situation. I hope you understand.

The new information is MDLL's ex-girlfriend is actually his wife. They were only separated for six months when he and I met. I found out Memorial Day weekend when I saw a picture of him with a wedding ring on. I asked him about it and everything came pouring out...

The last thing MDLL wanted was a girlfriend while he's going through a divorce which is why he kept pushing me away. He eventually realized after our Valentine's Day break-up that he did really like me and wanted us to be together. The problem was he wasn't sure how to tell me he was married after all of this time. As the weeks went on it got harder for him to bring it up, especially since things were going so well. He was extremely apologetic for not telling me and relieved I finally knew.

I was in shock for a good week. I didn't know what to do or think, so I did what I do best, I asked everyone I knew for advice. So many opinions! My friends who know him were worried, but thought we can work this out. The people who haven't met him, including my parents (yes, my parents) wanted me to break up with him for basically lying for nine months. Everyone wanted to know, when will the divorce be final?

MDLL originally told me "soon", but the newER information ended up being the divorce wasn't being processed yet because his wife needs health insurance. I was pissed because I felt like he should have told me everything the first time we spoke. When I told everyone this, the opinions leaned more toward breaking up because it seemed sketchy. I said I'd give it a month before I made any decisions. During that time I questioned a lot about myself, him, marriage, divorce, love, commitment, everything. Our relationship was blossoming at a slow, natural pace, then WHAM, all of a sudden I was thinking about what I wanted, where we were going, if we have a future, knowing we can't have a future until he settles the past, etc. Eventually this was all too much, which is why I broke up with him the end of June. The marriage aside, I realized I had other needs that weren't being filled.

This brings us to mid-July when MDLL finally shared his feelings about me. Since then we are in a committed relationship and I'm the happiest I've ever been with someone in my life. I love him. I want to marry him. I beam whenever I think or talk about him.

So why am I sharing this now? My parents want nothing to do with him. I never thought I would care this much about their opinion. My mom is acting like he's actively married with five kids and I'm a homewrecker. He and his wife have now been separated for a year and a half. She lives in another state and is dating as well. There's nothing sneaky, cheaty, or wrong with this situation.

Or is there? Don't I deserve to be with someone who is available? What does "available" mean to me? We talk everyday, hang out at least four times a week. MDLL is pretty damn available. He says he loves me and sees a future together one day, so he's emotionally available now too. I guess the only way he's unavailable is marriage-wise. We can't get married until he gets divorced. GAH! THESE WORDS ARE TOO ADULT FOR ME! I thought "mortgage" was the worst adult word, but "divorce" wins!!!

This week I'm struggling with all of this because I secretly hoped he would have processed the divorce by September, which probably won't happen until the end of the year. It sucks because I feel like this is OUR month. The 6th is our Meetiversary, watching football is our thing, and I wanted him to come to NJ for my parents' Labor Day party on Sunday, but they told me no. My mom even asked me not to mention him to family because she doesn't want them to know I'm dating a married man. Unfuckingbelievable. HE'S SEPARATED YOU JERK!

I'm not sure what to do. I love him and I am so happy when we're together. The drama with my family is ruining it. I can't blame them for wanting the best for me. I can't blame him for taking his time to settle the divorce. I can't change my parents' minds. I can't force him to move things forward. The only thing I can do is trust my instincts, take care of myself, and have faith everything is going according to plan. If I'm to be with MDLL, this will make us stronger. If not, I am that much closer to finding true love.

Come On Eireen..

I was on edge all day. Queries wouldn't run, my email was wonky, Excel was acting up. Everything was on the fritz! I was panicky, insecure, and anxious for no reason.

Then later on it hit me. The whole city is freaking out over Hurricane Irene and I got caught up in the mind hive stress vibes. Once I realized this I calmed down.

I bought some water and food, did laundry, hit the bank, and cleaned my toilet because Shizza knows what that thing will look like if I can't flush until Monday.

I'm a bit concerned about two things. One, my roof. Well, my ceiling. Every year I get bad leaks in my kitchen and one corner of my living room. Two, my bedroom window. I love, love, LOVE this window. There's nothing behind my building, so I have a great view of Manhattan and a beautiful breeze even on hot summer days. During very windy storms it can be pretty scary though. I've woken up in the middle night worried it will break. I might hang up some plastic tarp to be safe.

MDLL and I plan to have a hurricane slumber party the next couple of nights. I told him all we need is vodka, taco fixings, and condoms. I have a feeling those are the only things he bought, so chances are we'll be hanging at my place.

Be safe East Coasters!

P.S. The title should be read as if a Chinese man was singing Come On Eileen...ROR!

Fun with Colors

Ever wear or buy something in a specific color and feel like that color is following you? For example, the day I decided to paint my college bedroom lilac I was later surrounded by lilac things: shirts, flowers, stickers, store signs. I took this to mean I made the right decision!

Since then I've taken notice whenever a color is near itself. It has to be an interesting color or a situation that makes you stop and think what is the probability of these two random things matching?

Have I lost you yet? Maybe visual aides will help. I started taking some pictures. It's a bit hard though! Today this woman was standing at the corner. Her black and white striped skirt matched the crosswalk perfectly. I couldn't get the picture before the light changed though! Blah!

Cars are pretty easy, but I always wonder what are the chances two of the same color would park right next to each other?



This was a fun one. A cab was parked at the light for a while, but I missed the photo op. It would have been a trifecta of mustardy yellow!

I love this.

And these too:

Boob wha?

Facebook has this new (new to me?) thing where it shows your status from a year ago today.

On 08/23/10 I wrote: "Two day work week! Yay!"

I racked my brain for a good five minutes trying to remember why I would have taken off three days. Pittsburgh? No, that was July. A staycation? No, I've never done that before.

Then it hit me.

BOOB SURGERY! Thursday is the anniversary. Jesus.

Stupid cold

I was hoping the Sick Gods would keep me healthy for the rest of the year. Ha, no. It's just a little summer cold, nothing serious. My whole face feels pinched.

Things got much better at work by the end of last week. I had a really good talk with Voldemort and the rest of Billing. Voldemort is still a bitch, but she's always one so I'm not taking it personally anymore. I keep playing the scene in Bring It On when the boyfriend says to what's her nuts "Big Red's a bitch. We all know that!" It helps.

One of the main complaints from them is how Iron is nowhere to be found. She blew off a meeting with us on Friday, which started a huge vent/rant about her. Not good at all. She also blew off two important meetings today, too. Not sure what to do about this yet.

MDLL and I spent the last six out of eight days together. So much fun. I love him!! We ate a lot of tacos, watched movies and TV shows on Netflix streaming THE GREATEST INVENTION OF ALL TIME, went to Lebowskifest for a cast reunion/Q&A and a screening of the film, and hung at the neighborhood bars. I've never dated anyone for this long, so I am trying to figure out what works best for me in regards to how much we see each other/talk/bang. Yesterday I made a point of not texting him because a) I felt like shit, b) I worked until 8pm, and c) I wanted to make sure I could go a day without contact. I survived. Of course the thought crossed my mind he was hit by a bus, can't dial/text me, yet has the ability to answer/respond and the fact I didn't call has left him broken hearted in the hospital. I am my mother's daughter.

I want to live with him and get married. I know I do. I'm not sure how this works, though! I mean like, I've known him for a year. Will we be eating tacos this time next year, too? Will I get sick of us eating tacos? Will he get sick of me eating tacos? How do we keep the sex interesting? It's fucking awesome now. Will it always be awesome?

Believe it or not, this isn't a freak out. It's honest and calm questions from a 33 year old woman who never had a long term relationship.

I can even see us having a kid. One kid. The thought of being pregnant and responsible for a life does freak me out, but the thought of having one with MDLL doesn not. When I see a dad carrying his daughter or holding his son's hand, I think of MDLL. I like this. I do not like the birth, the strain on my body, the sleepless nights, the parental whine, and you know, the commitment to raising a child. My goldish died in a week because I was too cheap to buy a tank. YIKES. Maybe I can get a surrogate to keep my kid until he's old enough to take care of himself.

Love acks!

Ack! I can't stop thinking about MDLL! He's my boyfriend! My very hot, funny, smart, kind boyfriend! Ack ack ack!

I wish I could love him up every single day. Ack!

So awesome. So, so incredibly awesome.

ACK!

Appropriately named...

Thanks Douis!

How I feel this morning...

YAY! CHEESE!

Moron

I signed MDLL up for Facebook. He could care less about social networking, but he mentioned some college friends he'd like to get in touch with and I said FB is a really easy way to reconnect.

I am a friggin moron for encouraging this, though. I've already checked his profile twelve times in the past 36 hours since he created an account.

FACEBOOK STALKING MY BOYFRIEND. Jerk alert!!

Rejected!

A few years back I signed up with a focus group/market research center. You can get paid $100 - $150 a session!

I finally got a call a couple of weeks ago. Last night was the first gig. The study group leader came in and asked some questions about our oral hygiene routine. I said I brush twice a day and floss about 2-3 times a week, really only if I have food stuck in my teeth. She then asked how I felt about flossing. I said I know I should do it more often because it's good for my gums, but I'm lazy. The end. The leader left and a few minutes later the receptionist came in and said, "Everyone follow me except Shannon." Oooookay.

The receptionist came back and said, "We only need five people for the study, so you can go home. We will still pay you the $100 though!"

So I got paid for doing nothing. Hooray, right?

Wrong. I mean, yes it is AWESOME I got a free hundred to sit in a waiting room for twenty minutes, but I could not shake the feeling of rejection!

What is wrong with me? Should I have lied and said I floss more? Did she not like the bit about being lazy and/or having food in my teeth? Was I bitchy? Did I smell? WHAT THE HELL MADE HER NOT PICK ME!?!?!?

Not that anyone who reads Thighs needed another glimpse into my negative, self-conscious psyche, but there you have it. Apparently it means more to me to be chosen than compensated.

Ello!

Wow. The past two weeks went by fast. Time sure does fly as you get older...

SO. Where to begin? The rundown:

1. Mental health - I FEEL GREAT! Auntie D is my best friend. Therapy is amazing. I've never talked about the things Cee and I are discussing with anyone before, so I'm not sure if I'll share much on here. Maybe if I pay each of you $150 an hour I'll feel more comfortable.

2. Physical health - I FEEL PRETTY GOOD! I'd say great, but I had bad stomach issues last night. I couldn't resist Mr. Softee any longer. It's not summer without some soft vanilla ice cream! I felt fine after eating it, then later on for dinner I had Chirping Chicken and got sick immediately after. I had the ribs and chicken from there a few weeks ago and got sick the next day, but I thought it was the corn and the carrots. Now I think it must be some sort of BBQ rub or something on the meat. Hopefully it wasn't the ice cream!! The episodes are painful and gross, but I'm fine once they um, pass. I'm not as stressed out about it as I used to be, which is nice. I just have to either be near home or wear diapers* when I'm going to try new foods.

3. Work - IT'S OKAY! Last week was my first annoying one at the office. It made me feel normal!

4. Friends - I LOVE THEM ALL! My social calendar is starting to fill up. Yay! I'm so glad I have the strength to go out again. I had dinner with Ceej and Breen last Wednesday. Friday I hung out at Doll's with the usual crew. Saturday I got to see Rolo and Stevie at the beer garden during the day, then celebrated Juniper's birthday there that night. I missed everyone so much!

5. MDLL - I'M IN LOVE! I know, I know. My last post sad we aren't together and I wanted to see other people. Yeah, no. I got scared after he told me he loved me. Now I'm not. I'm going for it. Gah! We are an official couple now. I introduced him as "my boyfriend" a few times Saturday night and asked him about it yesterday:

"Soooo...I called you my boyfriend at the beer garden."

"Yeah, I heard that."

"What do you think?"

"I liked it." (adorable smile)

"Are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?" (goofy smile)

"Of course!"

"Will you officially ask me?" (giggling)

"Shannon, will you be my girlfriend?"

"Yes!" (make out)

YAY YAY YAY!

Second half of 2011 is looking good!


*I thought I should mention this was a joke. I'm told sometimes you never know with me. Hell, sometimes I never know with myself!

Weekendy End

Now that I feel better I'm back to my regularly scheduled case of the Mondays. I barely did anything today. Poop!

Friday night was my date with MDLL. Dinner was delicious, kissing and hugging on the pier at Gantry Park was romantic, dancing on his roof was like a dream, and the sex was the best yet. The one problem - I had to ask him to verbalize his feelings again. It was a bit disappointing, especially because we had two perfect settings for him to whisper sweet nothings and make me melt.

I woke up on Saturday very unsure of what to do next. I was centered though and felt (still feel) in control of my emotions and the situation. Luckily I had a lovely afternoon planned with Bakes, who helped me sort things out. We had lunch at my new favorite taco place Tortilleria Nixtamal. The fish tacos are to die for!! SO GOOD! Afterwards we went to the Mets/Phillies game. It was my first of the season and they won! WOO HOO!

My instincts had told me to keep the conversation nice and light Friday. By Saturday night, my gut said to booty call him at 11pm and ride him into the ground. We both thoroughly enjoyed it.

Yesterday I was finally ready to talk. Thankfully he was, too. We shared a lot about our feelings for each other and our relationship this past year. He told me he loved me. I cried.

While we both really care about each other, we agreed we're at a standstill. We've exhausted our conversations about the new information and our future. There's really nothing left to do except sort out our own lives.

The truth is I'm unsure if MDLL's The One. The communication is a huge issue for me. We wouldn't have had so many ups and downs if there had been a consistently honest and open dialogue. It's a shame it took this long to get here. It might be too late.

Or it might not. For once I am okay with not knowing. I'm ready to start dating again. Maybe I meet someone special. Maybe I don't. I would be crushed if he started dating someone, but maybe I need to lose him to know I definitely want him. Maybe we end up as friends. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. It's exciting.

This weekend was the best I've had all year.

Brilliant

Thanks Juniper!

If kittens didn't turn into cats, I would buy five.

Eat, bitch!

I'm also feeling so much better now that I'm upping my calories. I went over 1400 today! WOOT!



Note: I didn't actually have Wegman's sushi, but their brand are one of the few with brown rice listed.

Note to Self

Dear Future Thighs,

You will probably toy with going off Auntie D at some point in the next two years. It has to happen just to see if we can handle it. I'm hoping we are in a position to do well of course. That being said...

DON'T DO IT! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! YOU FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ON THEM!

Thanks!

Present Thighs


I seriously cannot describe how good I feel this week. I started taking the full 50mg of Zoloft Saturday and it is already working its happy magic. I can think straight, I can focus at work, I am inspired, and I feel GOOD.

Therapy is going really well, too. I've said it before and I'll say it forever - I really think everyone should go to therapy at some point in their life. I am breaking through some tough walls to find my truths and it feels wonderful.

Jesus. This is the best I've felt all year!!! Hooray!!

WHEEEE!!!

Before I get on with my day I need to write about this weekend.

MDLL called Saturday night. We talked for about an hour both then and yesterday. He said so many wonderful and heartfelt things. He apologized for everything and said he wants us to be together again, this time as a real couple. He also said he will take action on the new information, so that he and we can move forward.

It was like a dream. I I haven't stopped smiling!! WOO HOO!!

I am really, really excited and happy about this. I am also very nervous, too. Thoughts:

I need open communication and a firm date on the end of the new information. I refuse to assume, worry, pry, push, make excuses, or wait around with my thumb up my ass for him.

I need to focus on me this time. I'm feeling physically better, only slight aches and pains now. I am ready to eat more. I am ready to work hard again. I am ready to get my life in order. Therapy and Auntie D are already helping me so much. I am grateful. What I am nervous about is this - how do I build a solid foundation of self without getting pieces of MDLL mixed in the concrete? I cannot afford to have my happiness tied to whether or not MDLL and I work out. MDLL or any other guy. How do I prevent codependency?

I need to trust, too. At this very moment I am not sure I want to get back together with him. I don't completely trust him with my heart again. One part of me is saying it's over, move on. The other part of me feels like if MDLL is willing to work at it, then I can give him one more chance. JUST ONE. I know he is a good man and a good friend. Now that he wants to be a good boyfriend, I am curious to see how this goes. Curiouser and curiouser. We are hanging out on Friday to discuss our next steps. Chances are this is our make or break date.

Enough of the serious thoughts...

HE LIKES ME HE REALLY LIKES ME!! His exact words were, "I'm crazy about you." Jaw. Floor. I wish I had a tape recorder. WHEEEEE!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!

Fuck.

I think I know what's wrong. This week I signed up for a free online food journal to track my calories.

I only ate 850 yesterday. Geez.

I really need to add more food to my diet.

Stoned

I feel like crap again today, the old crap - drained, rundown, tired. My mom thinks it's the heat. She might be right. It's annoying though because every time I feel shitty I run through all of the things that may have gone wrong. Did I eat anything bad? Did I eat enough food? Did I take my meds? Did I take my meds too close together? Are the meds making me feel this? Is it the vitamins/my pdiddy/my mental state?

I question everything nowadays. It's fucking exhausting.

I hadn't needed the anti-inflammatory for almost a week now, then yesterday I woke up in pain again. Today, too. It's hard waking up like this. Actually no, it's hard waking up like this and not letting it ruin my day.

Yesterday was the roughest MDLLless day yet. Bakes thinks I'm making myself sick over it. She's probably right. There are no boundaries between my emotional and physical health lately. I was so tempted to call him, but I refrained. I realized I don't want to talk or hang out. All I want to do is hug him, feel my face against his, and give him kisses down his neck. Someone make that happen please.

I'm sooo tired. I look like I'm stoned. I feel like I'm stoned. Maybe I am stoned.

Blerg.

Adult things

This is a comment to the EHarmony creator's article on Huffington Post. I like this.

"The problem is not "getting the right person" it is all about BEING the right person. The spouse is a mirror to be able to see your own wounds, hurts, and unhealed areas so they can come to the surface to heal. Every time you are triggered, you should thank you spouse for showing something about yourself that you couldn't see and heal without such a close, demanding relationsh­ip. All of us would rather stay on the surface and run from our internal issues, but the world will not transform until each individual chooses to transform into the love, peace, and wholeness that we are. Change on the outside begins on the inside.

Marriage is a sacred union to heal, make whole, free, awaken, and bring each to oneness with the Source of Life. Marriage brings up everything that is not love so it can heal, and we can be free, intimate, and joyful. The problem is not the marriage relationsh­ip, or the wrong spouse. The problem lies in each human being as we either resist change, or grow and expand into the vast, spiritual, multidimen­sional beings we truly are. Marriage is the holy road to the unconsciou­s. Marriage triggers everything unlike love in our growth towards wholeness. The purpose of marriage is rebirth into our true loving selves. It requires a death of the old. New life is the result of walking through the fire of transforma­tion in the crucible of sacred, committed, marital love.

www.newhea­venonearth­.wordpress­.com"

You're a fiiirework...

I like Katy Perry.

I am in a weird mood this morning. It feels like my acid trip ended a couple of hours ago and I'm in the limbo state between coming back to reality and passing out. Maybe that's a better description for my "absent fogness". I'm at work, but it doesn't feel like I'm really sitting here. This is the last place I want to be. I, like most people, would prefer never to have to work again. I might have kids just so I can be a stay at home mom. Isn't that nice? It's like being a teacher solely for summer vacations.

I know somewhere inside I'm really going to like this job. My position requires drive, initiative, creativity, and smarts. I have those things, so I don't get why I'm not off and running yet. I guess I'm just exhausted from this year. I could really, REALLY use a vacation. A week where I don't have to work, don't have doctor appointments, don't think about MDLL, and can drink/eat anything I want. You know, have my old life back.

MDLL. I barely slept Friday night. Every time I woke up I thought about him. Saturday I was an exhausted and cry-y waste. I went to Bacon's for a bit to relax and mourn, then went to my parents' house. My cousin's 4th of July party was Sunday, so I figured it would be good to head down to NJ early. I really needed to get out of Astoria.

The family party was okay. I felt like a whiny hypochondriac broken record recounting my health woes of this year. All I wanted to do was talk about and cry over MDLL. Yesterday Juniper and I went to a BBQ at a local pub. I was okay for the most part, but I did cry a couple of times. Remind me not to break up with someone when I'm PMSing.

What am I crying about? One, I wish he would fight for me. I wish he would show up at my door with flowers and say, "I need you. Let's make this work." Two, I'm feeling guilty and worried. He already went through one major split last year, now he has to deal with our mini-one. I don't want to hurt him any more than he already is...then again I'm not even sure he is hurting. I really just want to take care of him and make sure he feels loved, secure, and safe. Me? I'll be fine. I'm sad and I'll miss him, but I'll survive. I know single well.

So there's my weekend. It was what it was. I didn't feel up to heading over to the west side to see the Macy's fireworks on the Hudson (bastards!) again this year. I was pleasantly surprised to find I could see a lot of it from my roof, though!! Half of the flower bursts were obstructed, but I didn't mind. It was actually pretty cool to watch them against the skyline. There were plenty of illegal ones set off in the neighborhood, too.

Blah. Work. You can tell I'm getting a lot done right now, huh? What the fuck is my problem? I know about seven people who lost their jobs in the past two weeks. Why doesn't this make me feel grateful to have one? Why doesn't it scare the shit out of me and pump up my old super work ethic? Man, I am not myself this year. All I want to do is sleep. Hopefully it will get better once the Zoloft kicks in.

One plus this morning, I saw three cute redheads today. Three!! I felt like I was walking down The Gingerbrick Road.

A redhead a day keeps the depression away...

Good Bad Good Bad Bood Gad

Yesterday ended up being a great work day. I felt awesome and got a TON done. Yay for focusing and being a good employee!!

By the time I got home I felt pretty crappy again. It wasn't as bad as Wednesday, but it wasn't good either. My hips and legs were killing me and the absent fog was back. I really don't have any other way to describe it other than I'm here, but not here.

I still made it out to see the fireworks at Astoria Park, though. I LOVE FIREWORKS!! They made me happy. Seeing MDLL made me sad. I knew it might be one of the last nights I'd see him for a while, then he showed up smashed. It was weird.

Today I woke up with a little nausea and pains. I forced myself to cook eggs because I knew if I didn't use my stove immediately after the gas leak I wouldn't use it for months. I felt better after I ate, then out of it again. It's so annoying.

Continuing the up and downness of it all I felt pretty good this afternoon. I saw Super 8 with Juniper and Bacon. It was Super GR8!! (I must be the millionth person to make that comment!) We went to the bar for a bit and after a glass and a half of seltzer water my stomach started acting up again. Really? Seltzer? I can't win!!

I came home and made the dreaded phone call. I broke up with MDLL for real. After all of this time he finally told me everything I wanted to hear: he cares about me, I'm very special to him, and he thinks of me as his girlfriend. I cried. A lot. IT SUCKED SUCKS IS SUCKING. I love him. I really, really do. I just don't think we should be together right now. I hate feeling this way, but I can't ignore it.

I'm in duality, per usual. Fuckin' Pisces. On the one hand, we both need to sort out some shit before we can move forward. On the other, I'm afraid I'm throwing away my taco lobster. If MDLL was more vocal about his feelings and made a bit more effort, we would have been perfect. I don't know if that means he's not my taco lobster or what. I guess only time will tell.

So there ya have it. Good, bad, good, bad.

Huh. Now that I wrote that, maybe the idea of good and bad days is stupid. It's all just lifing, right?

Please today!

A couple of months ago when I was cooking I noticed it smelled like gas in the cabinet near the stove. I didn't think much of it because the stove was on and usually smells like a bit of gas anyways.

This week I noticed the cabinet smelled like gas even when the stove was off. I cringed at the thought of calling ConEd or the fire department YET AGAIN, then realized it is better to be a nervous dickhead than a murderer.

They came last night. I had a gas leak. Sammy the ConEd guy was super nice. He tightened the valve and told my super it needs to be replaced immediately. My super is here replacing it now. He showed me my valve compared to a new one. It was like comparing The Cryptkeeper to a baby. STOVEGATE 2011!!

Yesterday morning I woke up tired and nauseous. Both are known side effects of Zoloft. It seemed like an episode of my stomach issues again, though. All day I felt like shit, then I came home, dealt with ConEd, and headed to the bar for MDLL's birthday. I didn't last long. I ate a piece of chicken and went home. It was the same feeling I've had in the past, a wave of exhaustion and a twisted feeling in my intestines. I was able to sleep fine and I feel okay this morning so far although I'm still nauseous and now my intestines feel empty and raw. In related news, pooping is not fun anymore.

I don't think I'm eating enough for all of the medication and vitamins I'm taking. My daily diet for the last month is pretty much this:

2-3 scrambled or hard-boiled eggs
greek yogurt
blueberries or raspberries
2 pieces of grilled chicken with asparagus or spinach salad with grilled chicken, asparagus, avocado, celery with olive oil
almonds
more blueberries or raspberries
dinner lately is either 2-3 tacos, a burger (no bun, sometimes fries), quinoa with a vegetable, or grilled chicken

I need and want to start introducing more foods and calories back to my diet, but episodes like last night hold me back. On Tuesday I added broccoli and carrots to my salad. Yesterday morning I had one sip of coffee because I was so tired. Other than that it's been pretty much the above. In case you're not familiar with gluten-free and yeast-free diets, it's like Atkins. Here's the food list I've been consulting: Whole Approach Candida Diet.

On top of that I haven't finished something due today at work. Also, I don't think MDLL understands we are breaking up. While he didn't do many romantic things, he is super affectionate and continued to be so last night. I know he does care about me, but we need to end this for a while. Apparently I need to be more forceful.

GAH. It's only 8:30am. Please be a good day today!

Breaking up...again.

MDLL and I are breaking up. Well, I broke it off last night, but we are going to hang out the next two nights for his birthday. So it's like a break up week.

The new information brought up some things I ignored for the past four months because a) I wasn't feeling well, b) he made me feel TONS better, c) I was SUPER happy, and d) I thought things were changing.

I was hoping MDLL would spend our week apart reflecting and taking action. He didn't. I don't know if he will for a while.

The other issue besides his complacency was the lack of romance. MDLL hasn't gone out of his way to get me a gift or do something thoughtful, take me out on a date he planned himself, or verbalize his feelings. I thought it was just a boy thing or his way, but now I realize it is a reflection of what he thinks of me. I'm still a friend with benefits after all this time.

We're right back to where we always end up - I am committed to him on all levels, but he isn't committed to me.

This morning I felt guilty about my decision. It was combination guilt of putting my needs first and leaving him at a rough (?) time.

By the afternoon I was proud. I can honestly say I tried my hardest to make things work. July 6th would have been ten months since we met. This was my longest adult relationship, even with the breaks in between. I broke six months, woo hoo!! I would have went even longer if given the chance. Hell, I would have married him if he asked.

Who knows? Maybe down the road we try again. My gut says this is it, though. I need and deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me.

I am ready to move on.

Sorry Pee-Wee!

So this happened:




HAHAHAHAHA! Oops!

Boooo fast weekend!

My weekends are going by faster and faster, even without raging hangovers. Damn you raging soberovers!

The weeklong break with MDLL lasted four whole days. I called him Friday night. We texted a bit tonight, too. We didn't hang out at all, which was good. While I miss him a lot I needed a weekend to myself.

I stayed in Friday night. Saturday was a full day. I went shoe shopping again. No luck on supportive summery sandals/shoes yet, although I have a good idea of what I want now. I'm avoiding all flip flops and any other shoe with the big toe/second toe (pointer toe?) hold. I really think years of wearing those shoes contributed to my foot spasms.

Did I mention Cee holds focusing workshops? It's sort of like group therapy, but with more structure and participation. Group therapy can be shitty if one person takes up the whole session. I know that sounds mean, but it can get annoying. Ironically this weekend's workshop was about listening. I like to think I'm a good listener, but there are PLENTY of times I can't wait to talk. I'm very quick to make it about me, giving MY advice or MY opinion or telling a similar story from MY life. That's a conversation, right? Of course it is, but there are times where all the other person needs is to be heard. I like this.

I walked past a friend's restaurant after therapy. I rarely go in, but my instincts told me I should. I saw my friend at the bar. We chatted for a couple of minutes when a woman sat down next to me. It turns out she was a tarot card reader, so I asked for a reading. It was fantastic. She was pretty vague about some things in my past and well, I have no idea what the future will bring but it was nice to connect with someone on a psychic plane. Laugh it up, fuzzball.

After the card reading I headed over to Juniper's BBQ. Mick was there of course (they are roommates) and MY GOD I cannot believe he and I hooked up a year ago. No interest in doing that again whatsoever. I really do like him as a friend, though!

I had a lot of fun at the BBQ (thanks J!), but I was a bit freaked out for a couple of hours. The Zoloft made me feel like I was on speed. My eyes were wide open, my mouth was super dry, my mind was racing, and I couldn't stop talking. I sort of wanted to jump out of my skin. I know it will be better in a couple of days. I feel fine now. I can't remember what it was like the last time I started the meds. I was so far gone then, though. It's different now. I feel better than I did back in 2006 FO' SURE. I hadn't started Thighs yet, so maybe I'll look at my journals from that year.

Today I went to Target and DSW for another failed shoe shopping attempt. I love Target. I want everything in that damn store. I tried on a few cute dresses (!!), but I took the wrong sizes into the dressing room and was too lazy to go back to get the right one. Larges were hanging off of me. I gotta tell you, it's fucking awesome! Sure the weight loss started for a crappy reason, but now I'm enjoying it. I'm excited to start working out soon! Oh and I'm also ready to start introducing more foods. I can tell because I'm starting to crave carbs. I don't plan on eating wheat ever again, though. It's not worth it.

I made MDLL a mint chocolate chip ice cream pie. He told me his mom used to make it for his birthday every year, so I thought I'd surprise him with one. I hope he likes it!

Crap. It's midnight. I can't believe it's Monday already. Boooo fast weekend!

Relieved

Soooo...this week was not good. Not good at all.

Today is the first day I am focused, strong, hopeful, and now relieved.

Why relieved? Primary and I decided it's time to go back on Auntie D. I was strongly opposed to the idea up until yesterday. Enough is enough. I was NOT functional this week. Sure I made it to work, but I couldn't be bothered to do a damn thing. I cry at the drop of a hat, I fuck around online (ahem), and all of my symptoms from this year came back: lightheadedness, dizziness, panic, and the absent fog. The dickhead doctor was right. It WAS depression and anxiety, but that wasn't the whole story.

I hated the idea of going back on anti-depressants because it felt shameful. I failed myself. Well I realize now I didn't fail at all. I went almost two years without them with relatively "normal" Thighs mania. I lost my shit this year and now I'm finally well enough to see how it's affecting the rest of my life. A few of my relationships are rocky, my work performance is subpar, and Delilah is a disaster. I've already admitted to being in the midst of an identity crisis, I've lost interest in most everything I supposedly love, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. These are some pretty good reasons to go back on them. Now that I've made the decision, I am relieved from the stress and anxiety about MAKING the decision. I'm nervous of course, but right now I need to do everything I can to stay physically healthy and mentally/emotionally strong.

2011 is halfway over. I still have time to turn this year around. Who knows? Maybe it will end up being one of the best I've ever had.

White Wine

Sheesh!!

Holy crap, Monica. You were totally right! (Hugs!)

He read it.

He responded saying he completely understands I need some time to think about things and he hopes I have a great week.

He's a good guy.

I just hope he's taking some time to think about (and act on) things, too.

A break.

Things with MDLL and I have been going really well lately. He makes me so happy that I want to puke. Happy puke!

Unfortunately a few days ago he gave me an update on the new information. It was not what I wanted to hear. We talked about it for a while, but I couldn't seem to verbalize what I was feeling. Me! Words! None! Who am I??

We still had a fantastic weekend together, despite the newER information. It wasn't until I saw my parents on Sunday when something shifted.

My mom is a rage charmer. As soon as the anger-filled curse words fly out of her mouth, my rage wakes from its slumber and dances its way up through my soul. A headbanging hardcore dance. It is a horrible feeling, one that I only recently realized is not in my natural disposition. She taught me how to react this way to stress, anxiety, and fear. It is not who I am deep down.

I brought up MDLL a few times and she didn't say a word. As bad as her mouth gets, it's way worse when she's silent. I let her rip. My dad did, too.

It was upsetting, but I'm glad we talked about it. I cried of course, because that's what my rage snake does these days. I prefer tears over unmanageable anger.

After hours of stressing, I decided MDLL and I need a break this week. No texts, calls, hanging out, nothing. I wrote him an email telling him this yesterday, which I reread 17 times before finally deleting it this morning. I was driving myself crazy.

It was shitty of me to write him, but I couldn't bear talking to him about it. I didn't want to fall over my own words again. He rarely checks his email (Hotmail, hello 1998!*), so I'm not sure he even read it. I haven't heard from him since Sunday night, so he probably did. BLERG.

Negative feelings:
I'm disappointed with him for not being more open. I'm angry because I feel like I'm being punished. I'm sad because I'll ridiculously miss him this week. I'm worried this might be the beginning of the end for us. I'm scared to see what he chooses to do next. Either he'll fight for me or he won't.

Positive feelings:
I am very proud of how I've handled my emotions lately. I feel stronger than I have in a long time. Boys tend to make me fucking batty and it's been months since I went mental over him. I could have lost my shit three weeks ago and I didn't. Yay!

My only concern is how I handle myself this week without him. My track record shows that I do not manage these breaks very well. I must stay positive and healthy. I am going to treat myself to something nice every day this week. Tonight is therapy (I need it!), then I'm thinking a haircut, a pedicure, and some shopping. I really want to get new shoes and clothes. Oh right...gotta play the lottery, too.

Also, I'm trying to keep things in perspective. It's been hard this year with being sick and all, but I'm getting there. In sort of related news, I started following First World Pains on Twitter. It is all about yuppie asshole "problems", ie Starbucks fucked up your coffee order or your thumbs hurt from texting. It's hilarious how ridiculous I/we/they all sound compared to what the rest of the world is going through. It might help me in my own life:

"I hate that I have to buy all new pants because I lost so much weight!" #Iwantyourproblems

"My boss never talks to me." #Iwantyourjob

"I'm in love with my boyfriend, but I don't know if he loves me." #getahobby

"I've spent over $1,000 this year on doctors, procedures, therapy, vitamins, and medication." #atleastyoucanaffordit

"I'm bored and not reaching my true potential." #yourlifeissogoodthatyouthinkyouneedtogetmoreoutofit

Perspective!



*Rolo, you're allowed to have Hotmail still. Miss you!

Shannons

I'm taking a mental health break for a moment. I shouldn't be typing considering how bad my carpal tunnel is today, but I need an outlet before I burst into tears.

I'm okay. I went to Primary (doctor) this morning. She is great. Her diagnosis is musculoskeletal inflammation and agrees with Neuro that I should see a Rheuma. Remember the days when nicknames were for random boys I was dating? Yeah, me neither.

So why do I want to cry?

One of the questions I repeatedly ask myself is "Why now?". Why would my health (both mental and physical) deteriorate at this point in my life? I've always been one to get rundown and have the occasional bout of depression or panic attack, but it's never been like this before.

It's because of Boob Saga. I am still not healed from the experience.

After I shared my story on Thighs I felt so much better. I felt at peace. It was the stress the months after that made it hard to let go - the pain, sleeping sitting up, fights with insurance and doctors' offices, feeling guilty and ashamed having to borrow money from my parents, etc. It wouldn't fucking end, then January came and the shit hit the fan.

Physical issues aside, I am having a massive identity crisis this year. I can't drink, so there goes Beer Lover Shannon. I need to rest and take it easy, so there goes Go Out at Night Shannon. I have to follow a strict diet, so there goes Fun Easy Food Shannon. I am now a consultant, so there goes Spontaneous Plans Shannon. I'm physically weak, so there goes Walking Around the City Taking Pictures Shannon. I am no longer a lot of Shannons: Floosie, Commitment-phobe, Supply Chain, Comic book reading, Journaling, Dancing, the list goes on. While I'm better off not being some of these selves anymore, no longer identifying myself as any of them is making me unsure of who I am at the moment.

There was another Me I was unaware of hiding deep down: Lopsided-Breasts Uni-Implant Frankenboob Shannon. I had no idea she existed until last summer. Before I could even get to know her she was gone and I became Natural Pretty Even Boobs Shannon. This is NOT a complaint. I'm glad it happened and am proud to be "normal". I'm just realizing now that I didn't spend enough time understanding who the old Me was or reflecting on her passing. I was that Shannon for 20 years, so while I might not miss her, there is a history.

I believe not addressing this loss of self lead to my extreme emotional stress. I wasn't equipped to handle it on my own, so the stress had no choice but to manifest itself physically in order to get my attention. I now know I need to focus on healing myself as a whole to get through this.

The gameplan is to make peace with all of my former selves, so that I can figure out who I am now. It's funny, I actually feel like a blank slate. I've never been this consciously aware of being at a pivotal and transformational point in my life.

Unfortunately there's this nagging fear I will feel 100% tomorrow, yet go back to the Self-Destructive Shannon I used to be. I have to trust I won't.

I trust that I will get better, I will do better, and I will be better.

I trust that I will allow myself to become the Shannon I was always meant to be.

Ahhh, Monday.

I'm trying to focus, but all I want to do is goof off and email friends.

Last week was up and down health-wise. I had a ridiculous allergy cough for a few days, which I totally didn't mind since everyone is getting hit with bad allergies this year. It felt nice to have share an ailment with others for once! It was NOT nice to have aches, spasms, and pain again though.

It started with my foot on Tuesday. By Friday, my foot spasmed (the bone pops right out, then goes back), there was tearing pain in my calf, my carpal tunnel was the worst it has ever been, and my glands were swollen. Basically my whole right side of my body was inflamed for some reason. I've been living on Advil since.

I went to the neurologist that night since she's the one who found I have dead tibial motor nerve in both legs. She ran the test again (shocks shocks shocks) and it turns out my left is much better, but my right is still busted. She doesn't think the spasms are related to this though, so she said I should see a rheumatologist next. She also said I still have mono and I should be taking medication for it.

By the time I was done at the doctor's I was EXHAUSTED. It was a combination of physical and mental stress. It was fucking upsetting as hell to feel like shit again. I tried (am trying) to be positive and see this as a fluke and not a sign I am getting sicker, but it's hard. It's also hard to know which doctor to listen to at this point. I called my new primary for advice. She wants me to come in Wednesday. Come on answers and cure!!!

Thankfully I had a really great weekend, despite the pain. Saturday I went to Bucket's house for a BBQ and yesterday I saw X-Men: First Class with Juniper. The rest of the time I was with MDLL. Our favorite thing to do is eat tacos and watch action/lame movies from our youth. This weekend was Die Hard, Police Academy 5, and Tango and Cash. It's like a dream come true!!

I'm sure there will be some work down the road because of the "new information", but I'm okay with this. I love him, I love being with him, and I am happy he finally opened up to me. I am really, REALLY excited to see how things work out for us.

YAAAYYYY!!