Fuck Jury Duty Part 1

This morning I didn’t mind going to jury duty despite having to sit on a disturbing Law and Order type case a few years ago.   Now jury duty can go fuck itself.

I don’t recall any of this when I had it last time:

1.  You’re treated like ignorant cattle in the Central Jury waiting room. The court employees yell at you to “MOVE DOWN.” “SINGLE FILE.” “NO PHONES.” like you’re deaf, dumb, and mentally challenged.  Granted there are many different languages spoken in Queens, but THE LOUDER YOU SPEAK DOESN’T MEAN PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND YOU BETTER.

2.  After sitting in one room for two hours, fifty of us were picked to go to the courtroom.  We all had to sit and listen to the judge and two lawyers ask half of us questions in the jury box.  Why the fuck we all had to be in there was beyond me.  A miserably boring waste of our time.

3.  The WORST part is the judge asked each potential juror personal questions IN FRONT OF THE DEFENDANT. I can understand the lawyers want to know our demographics for a diverse group of jurors, but whose idea was it to let the alleged criminal hear these things??  Are you out of your fucking mind?  Actual questions:
   a. Where were you born?
   b. Where do you live? Private home or apartment?  Rent or own? How long?
   c. What do you do for a living?
   d. Are you married? If so, what does your spouse do?
  e. Do you have children that work?  If so, what do they do?

4.  On that note, why the FUCK do jurors have to be out in the open? What about our safety? Why can’t we sit behind a one-way mirror or something? To this day I swear we were abruptly let out of my last case because our lives were in danger. That was a murder, drug, and hostage situation.  And they allowed the defendant’s thug friends in the courtroom!  I swear they were studying us.  Scary shit!!  The only thing that made me feel better was my hair was red at the time, so I wouldn’t be easily recognizable once I went back to blonde.

5.  I probably shouldn’t say this because I technically work for lawyers now, but they are all sleazy douchebags.  While I love Matlock and understand innocent people are convicted of crimes, defense attorneys can rot in hell.  This one actually made the analogy that if someone lies you stole their pen, the plantiff can lie the defendant didn't rob them at knife point in the subway.  How do these fuckers look themselves in the mirror?  I'm sorry, I know it should be "innocent before proven guilty", but I don't know if I can always believe it.  That's why I'm not a lawyer.

I called my mom to let her know she may need to bail me out when it's my turn to speak. I am going to give these fuckers a piece of my mind. So this is part 1 of today's jury duty experience.  Hopefully part 2 isn't written after a night in jail.

Pleasure vs. Pain

I feel worse about MDLL now than I did when we officially broke up.  We agreed to not contact each other at all until he files.  Yes, that's the way it should have been the last three weeks, but it wasn't.  Neither of us really want to be broken up, so all it takes is for me to ask and we're back together.

I've gone through a zillion different thoughts and emotions about it.  Do I love him, do I not love him, is he the one, am I the one, will he still want to be with me once his divorce is final, will his divorce ever be final, do I want to be with someone who is a thinker and not a doer, what do I value most in a relationship, what happens if he dies tomorrow and we're wasting time being apart...I can keep going.  I probably will in a future post.

My decision to stop drinking is not only to prevent me from contacting MDLL, but also to make me feel the pain of being without him.  Bacon wrote yesterday she's confused as to why I work so hard at getting healthy, bettering myself, and being kind to people, yet haven't tried to make these breakups constructive.  I realize now it's pain avoidance.

The pain of being sick makes me want to be healthy.

The pain of feeling depressed makes me fight to find the happiness within.

The pain I experience when I see hate, disrespect, and ignorance makes me want to be loving, kind, educated, and open-minded.

The problem with MDLL is I haven't truly felt pain when we are together.  It's only when we're apart that I want to shoot myself.  While he has hurt and disappointed me, the pleasure of loving him and enjoying the good times outweighs the pain of the bad.

How do I retrain myself to believe this breakup is pleasurable?  Or if not pleasurable, at least favorable and beneficial to our relationship in the long term?  Logically I know it is; he needs to get divorced so we can stop fucking dealing with it and move on.  My heart isn't there yet though...and it hurts.

Fart Love

Bad habits, too.

Now that I am no longer struggling with my health, I'm picking up my old bad habits again. I am binge eating and drinking. Not good.

Last year I feared eating the wrong thing, getting sick, and losing my life. I used that fear to get answers and to get healthy. I didn't lose weight and quit drinking because I was disciplined - I was terrified.

Both the fear and the motivation to stay healthy is gone. This weekend I blew it out like I was in my 20s again. I drank like a fish almost every night: Thursday night I was drunk after six vodka/sodas, Friday night I was wasted from at least four shots of jaeger and nine ciders, Saturday I was "good" with only two vodka drinks, and yesterday I got hammered from pretty strong bloody marys, vodka/sodas, and more shots of jaeger. Oh yes, friends who brunched with me yesterday...I went out after we left Hugs' place.

Where did I go? To find MDLL. I went to his apartment, the Crazy Ass, and another bar down the street. I was so shitfaced I don't remember too much, but I ended up staying over his place. I did this once in college with PJ, hunted him down in a drunken stupor until I gave up and went home. That's exactly how I feel right now, like a binge drinking broken-hearted confused 21 year old. I need to grow the fuck up.

The only way I can ensure I won't hang out with MDLL again is to stop drinking.

The only way I will keep healthy is if I find a new motivator. Fear is a powerful one, but I know now it's temporary. Who wants to live in fear for the rest of their lives? I certainly don't. I've decided the next best motivator is love. I love myself, I love my life, I love my family and friends. All signs are pointing to something good down the road. A new and positive lifepath is forming and I want to be healthy enough to enjoy the journey down it.

New habits for my brainhole

I'm missing MDLL a lot today. This SUUUUUCKS.

To take my mind off of him and feel more in control of my life, I decided to create some new habits.

1. Hang my coat and throw my shoes in the closet as soon as I walk in

2. Wash my dishes before I go to bed

3. Bring my breakfast and lunch at least three days a week. No joke, I've been spending almost $20 a day on food.

4. Juniper inspired me to cook chicken last night for dinner and now I'm eating some for lunch. I never tried organic chicken before. My word it is delicious! Three meaty breasts (heh) of Heartland Home Foods brand was about $10. It is pricey, but the freshness and taste is worth it.

5. Nighttime regime - floss, eye cream, face and decolletage cream.

6. Chakra blast every morning. It's like a Care Bear Stare for each one. I don't know if it's a thing to do or not, but I made it up this morning and felt fantastic.

7. Exercise at least four days a week. I gained some weight back now that I'm not afraid of food anymore. I'm now 168. I don't really care about the scale as long as I feel good. If MDLL and I end up getting back together I want to look awesome for Hawaii!

8. Stop buying Groupons. This Groupho needs to slow her roll for a bit. I have a ton to take me through September, so there's no need to stock up again. I doubt I'll get to use my Krav Maga classes since they are always full. Oops. If you happen to notice one that I will absolutely love, please forward!!

9. Learn about investments. There are very few things in life that make me nervous to do myself and making investment decisions is one of them. My main priority right now is to have a three month emergency fund should I get laid off. I also want to consolidate the little I have in 401Ks from previous jobs to one 401K, then open a separate Roth IRA.

I think that's it. Must keep brainhole busy!

Boobs

Today's IM with Bella:

( o ) ( o )

( O ) ( O ) - silver dollar

( ^ ) ( ^ ) - cold

(  o) (o ) - cross eyed torso

(o ) ( o) - bad plastic surgery

( * ) ( * ) - pasties

( # ) ( # ) - nipple bandaids for runners and/or women with permaheadlights

< o > < o > - alien

{o} {o} - wrinkly old lady

o  o - men and/or flat-chested women

(  )  (  ) - Barbie

Happy Monday!

I am so glad last week is over. I had a mini-bout with depression this weekend. I know I was depressed because there were plenty of good things to be happy about yet I was still blue. All I wanted to do was hide under the covers. I had to force some fun...

Friday night I stayed in and watched Game of Thrones. It's a fantastic show. I never considered myself a prude (I don't think anyone has), but holy hell do these characters fuck a lot. Enough to make me blush! It reminds me of a medieval True Blood because of all the sex and death, although GoT is by far a better scripted, directed, and acted show. The last two episodes blew me away.

Saturday morning I caught up on New Girl. Such a funny show. I'm indifferent about Zooey Deschanel at this point. Like Zach Galifianakis and Michael Cera, she plays the same character over and over. At least they know their strengths. The supporting cast is the best. I consistently laugh out loud over her roommates' shenanigans, especially Nick's. I was dying at the end of last week's episode.

Saturday afternoon I had an eye doctor appointment. I wanted to murderdeathkill everyone. Nothing bad happened, I was just angry, cranky, and sad. I hated the world.  I begrudingly went to yoga with Juniper around 5pm. I've gone to this class once before and I really enjoy it, I just wasn't in the mood. Afterwards she cooked me a lovely dinner while we chatted it up. I had a great time hanging out, but once I got home I was miserable again. To snap out of it, I finally got around to watching The Misfits. It's a UK show about a raunchy fucked up group of teen thugs who randomly get superpowers. The first episode ruled, can't wait to watch the rest.

I hadn't slept well all week and Saturday was no different. I went to bed around midnight, woke up at 2am for a while, then woke up at 7am and couldn't go back to sleep. I got up and went food shopping, then headed to the city for brunch with Juniper and my Company girlfriends. I love our brunches; I wish we did them more often!! I snapped out of my mood for a bit, then the lazy shut-in feeling came and I wanted to go to bed. Unfortunately I signed up for another yoga class, so I begrudingly went to this one too.

WELL, I am so glad I did!!! It was a Chakra yoga class that focuses on opening one chakra per week. I was hoping for the heart chakra (for obvious reasons) and we did!  In therapy, Cee taught me how to focus on my emotions by looking within.  I used this practice during yoga meditation by finding the sadness and honing in on it. I finally figured out what made me depressed all weekend...I felt like everything was out of my control.

Last year I did everything I possibly could to find answers and get healthy. Last week was the first time in a while I had stressors not in my control.  On top of MDLL sadness, I was hit with bad allergies, the job scare, and crappy weather.  All of these things are out of my hands.

Maybe it's fear of the unknown.  Maybe I'm controlling. It's uncomfortable for me to admit the latter. It sounds so negative. Truthfully I can't imagine not being somewhat controlling when you're single.  How would anything get done otherwise?

Once I recognized the sadness and let it go, I felt better instantly. The cloud lifted and life was bright. In fact, I feel so much better now that it was hard for me to write about NOT feeling good over the weekend. It's like it never happened.

Happy Monday folks! I hope we all have a healthy and positive week ahead.

Black, white, pink

There's an adorable character named Rue in The Hunger Games.  I don't want to spoil anything for you, so I'll just say I love her.

In the movie she is played by a black girl.  I didn't recall her being black in the book, so I thought it was a nice change for the movie.  She was perfect and I like when there's mixed nationalities in a cast.

Apparently some racist fucktards did NOT appreciate this.  These idiots were actually tweeting about how the movie was ruined, how dare they have a n-word as Rue, and some other awful shit.  It's so awful I won't even post the article. I will never, ever understand people like this.

Yesterday I had a gynecologist appointment with a different doctor than usual, let's call her Davis.  Now I could have sworn I've seen Davis before, so I had a mental image of a skinny gray-haired granola looking white woman.

Dr. Davis ended up being a young, cool black woman.  I am 99% sure I was a bit jarred by this because I thought she was going to be an old hippie.  Having a complete stranger with their hand up your junk is odd to begin with, even moreso when you think it's going to be a different complete stranger.  It's kind of liking chugging a glass of vodka because you thought it was water.

I will admit I was 1% taken aback because I don't think I've ever had a black doctor.  It didn't matter because she was very helpful and um, thorough.  I told her I'd like to have a kid before I'm 40 and she gave me advice on what vitamins to take and lifestyle changes to make to help stay fertile.  (Baby fever.)  While I did like her, I really like my usual doctor so I'm not sure if I'll see Dr. Davis again. AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE SHE'S BLACK.

I thought of the Rue tweets.  If these fucking imbeciles were upset a black actress was portraying a beloved character, what the hell would they have done if a black doctor walked into their examining room??  I'm assuming these racist fucks live in states where minorities wouldn't want to treat their schmucky white illnesses anyways.

FMI (for my information...and yours now too):


US Census Bureau:
  American Indian and Alaska Native persons  0.9%
  Asian persons  4.8%
  Black persons  12.6%
  Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander  0.2%
  Persons of Hispanic or Latino origin  16.3%
  White persons not Hispanic  63.7%

Wow. In NYC there are so many different skin colors in one subway car that I forget the rest of the country has no idea how wonderful a melting pot can be.

I wonder if the category of White was expanded to break down different nationalities (Italian, Irish, Russian, Polish, etc.) people will realize there's variety even in their small podunk town.  The joke is I barely know anyone who is 100% one race.  I'm Irish, German, French, and who knows what else. I guess racists don't see it like this though, as long as your skin colors stays the same.

I declare myself Pink anyways.

Frieday

I made it through this week! Yay!  Updates:

Job worries were premature.  I know my coworker was looking out for me so I'm not mad at her.  I just wish she didn't warn me during an already sensitive and stressful for week.

I spoke to my boss and she indeed gave me a 10% raise (!!), added me to their health insurance, wants my input on the new company logo and website, and invited me to Rochester for training and strategizing.  It sounds to me like I'm in the clear for a while, but I want to be prepared for the worst.  Instead of putting the raise money to my debt, I'm going to start a savings.  I'm also going to update my resume, my LinkedIn profile, and put some feelers out.  Rockstar was always good about looking at job postings even when she was satisfied with her current gig.  Methinks I need to pick up the habit.

Wednesday night with MDLL was surreal.  The whole day was, really.  I kept feeling like I was dreaming when we were talking.  Maybe I was...

Thursday night I went to an open bar work party and a late night after-party.  I made out with Rem.  WHAAAA???

Rem and I have become really close the past year.  I liked him immediately, but at the time I was seeing The Gentleman and MDLL.  When I told Rem I liked him he said he doesn't date people he works with.  Naturally, I took that as he wasn't interested so we became lunchtime walk buddies and good friends instead.

Jedi-sluts have a couple of powers.  One, we always know if we can hook up with someone.  Two,  we smell our own.  I know when a guy is a player and a girl is a fellow floosie.  I'm also pretty good at guessing which girls would rather give head than have sex during a casual encounter.  I'm the opposite, I'd rather rack up the belt notches and use a rubber rather than stick a raw wiener in my mouth.

I always knew Rem and I would kiss one day.  I did not know he has been wanting to for a long time.  He said so many nice things to me - how special I am, how I'm one of his favorite people, how he's glad we're friends.  I gotta say my ego really needed the boost.  Finally around midnight the last coworker left and he and I kissed.  It was fun, hot, exciting, and most likely never going to happen again. Rem wants to date a nice Jewish girl, never wants to get married, and hates kids. Hates them. It would never work out.

More importantly, I love MDLL.  I know it sounds like bullshit considering I just made out with someone else.  I don't know what to say. I am single, I liked Rem for a while, and I'm glad we smooched.  He wanted to do more (they always do), but I declined.  I can't imagine being intimate with anyone right now.

Serious Relationship 101 Q&A (I need you for the A):

Is it okay to be mad at someone you love?

Is it okay to still want to be with someone who hurt you?

How do you know when it's irreparable?

As mad and hurt as I am by MDLL, I still love him and am still thinking about our future together, specifically how I hope we get to meet the kids I've envisioned in my mind.  Is it possible I'm not in love with MDLL, but have baby fever?

Say he gets divorced and we try again in a couple of months.  He promised me he'll be more proactive and never hurt me again.  How do we measure this?  Or I guess, how do I not constantly measure it?  If I ask MDLL to take out the garbage and he doesn't do it for a week, how do I stop myself from thinking "FUCK, here we go again."  Or on his side, will he feel the need to yes me to death in fear of another breakup?

This relationship has been all about him up until now.  Does MDLL like me? Will he call? Is he ready for his divorce? Is he ready for a serious relationship?  Is/will/does he he he he he he... When will it be about me and my needs?  Do I get a chance to be a fuck up or will I always be the glue?  To clarify, I don't plan on fucking up, I just mean when do I get a break from carrying the load?

I realize now the hardest thing about being single isn't finding guys, it's managing everything I've been told about dating and relationships:

Don't be a doormat and don't be a bitch
Don't be too clingy and don't be too unavailable
Don't be a Stepford Wife and don't be a Feminist
Don't settle and don't be too picky
He should treat you like a queen, yet don't have unrealistic expectations
Don't date a separated man, but go ahead, date a separated man

I can go on forever!  At 34 years old, I've heard it all.  I wish I hadn't.  All that shit can cloud my judgment if I let it.

Don't go back to MDLL when his divorce is final because he doesn't deserve you.

Go back to MDLL when his divorce is final because he was going through some serious shit and now he's better than ever.

Do this, don't do that.  All I can really do is wait and see...

Today's highlights

1.  Feel good enough to go to office.

2.  Feel sad about MDLL.

3.  Get a call from coworker who said I should start looking for a job.  Apparently my bosses are struggling to sign a new client for May. It is quite a blow.

4.  Go to bathroom and cry.  I could handle breaking up with MDLL and losing my job, but not in the same week.

5.  Work for three more hours.  Call mom as I walk home.  "Didn't your boss say she was giving you a raise, health insurance, and sending you to Vegas in June?" "Yes, yes she did."

6.  Hang up with mom as I walk down stairwell to 59th and Lex station.  Start tearing up because all I wanted was a hug from MDLL.

7.  Walk to platform, stop, look to right.  MDLL is two people away from me.  In the nineteen months I've known him, we've only bumped into each other on the subway twice.  The other time was Valentine's Day.

8.  He hugs me.  I cry, he tears up, we take the subway to Queens together.   He walks me home, stops in front of my building and starts sobbing.  I invite him up.

9.  We spend the next couple of hours crying and talking.  We did not hook up.  We did not get back together.  

10.  Call mom again.  I cry.  I know I'll get through all of this, but it hurts.

11.  Hang up with mom.  Check work email.  Look at April's paystub.

12.  I got a 10% raise. What the what??

13.  Write this post.  

14.  Go to bed and put this ridiculous day behind me.

Change Sick Busy Bibles

Blogger changed their look for the first time since I've been using it. I had no idea how much I hate change until my social websites started getting fancy.

I'm home with bad allergies today. Yesterday my eyes were on fire! I feel much better after sleeping in, although my head feels like it's in a vice. Pat Kiernan said allergies are worse than ever because of the mild winter. I swear the minute he said that, I got sick. Damn you PK!

Actually that's not true. I WENT FOR A RUN Wednesday morning and wasn't dressed appropriately for the damp spit-rain. I didn't wear a warm enough coat yesterday either. The wind was amazing though. My hair had so much body! Ha!

Of course, I don't ever seem to be healthy when MDLL and I break up. Is it break-up or break up? I write both. I'm not sick-sick, so I don't think it's stress or heartache related. It's simply crazy New York weather related.

I went for a walk earlier and bought five mega-millions tickets. Can you imagine winning over $300 million? Shit fool. If I win I will give you each a dollar.

I'm sitting at my laptop ready to work, but methinks I'll watch Game of Thrones instead. I'm trying to keep myself busy the next few weeks because I know at some point I will break down about MDLL.

This week - Krav Maga, yoga, and Game of Thrones

Next week - drinks with Breen, a play called Don't Dress for Dinner with Jess, and Bacon's birthday drinks/Nada Surf concert

Following week - more Krav Maga (I have a five class Groupon) and then my newest tackle, reading the Bible.

Yes, THE Bible.

All of these fanatic right-wing conservative assholes are fucking up my relationship with my Episcopalian roots. I do not follow Catholic/Christian religion for three reasons: women's rights, gay rights, and because the crazy judgmental biblethumpers scare the shit out of me.

My mom is very religious. She's cool, fun, nuts, manic, crass, and very devoted to her faith. She believes homosexuality is an abomination because the word of God says so, although she does think there should be a separation of church and state. I don't like her for blindly following what the Bible says, but I am glad she realizes the Catholic church should not be laying down the law.

I couldn't give a shit who you fuck as long as your are a good person. I am confused as to why a gay man would want to get married at a church and before a God who doesn't respect his choices, though. If I were gay (being a boob girl doesn't count), the last place I'd want to get married is in a Catholic church. I doubt I'll get married in a church anyways...

SO, I'm going to read the Bible with as much of an open mind as I can. It will be hard because I am a fanatic left-wing liberal non-asshole, but I will try. Plus it will keep my mind off of MDLL. I hope.

Warn the reds.

We broke up on Saturday. I know, I know. We always break up and I always go back. I’m not going to say this time is different. I don’t know if it’s different, but I want it to be.

It all hit me last Wednesday. MDLL got snippy when I asked for a divorce update. I let it go because we had a few drinks in us, but it pissed me off. I was angry when I woke up the next day, then broke down at Rosa Mexicano with the ladies that night. I told him off in an email Friday, then called him Saturday to end it. I screamed and cursed, something I was hoping to never have to do because I don’t want to be like my mom. He pushed me to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore, where the only words left to say were “fucking” and “asshole”. It was long overdue.

Saturday I saw the Hunger Games (I LOVED it. Same story, but a different approach. Totally complemented the book.) then got DRUNK. Super drunk. Drunker than I’ve been in a long time. I don’t know how much vodka or shots I did or how many tacos I ate on my way home, but it must have been a lot considering my bed was covered in vomit the next day. Yeah, that’s right. I puked in my sleep. I’m not proud, but I’m glad it happened. The urge to get fucked up and drink the pain away is gone. I’ve come too far to throw my health away now.

He called yesterday and we had a much more civil break-up conversation. He feels awful, he said he’ll move forward as soon as possible, and he’s afraid he’ll lose me forever. I told him he threw it all away by bullshitting me for the last four months. It’s not about him being married, it’s about him not following through. He supposedly wants to get divorced, loves me, and wants to marry me, yet STILL couldn’t take care of business. This is a problem. A big problem if I hope to have a happy and healthy future with him. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me or take advantage, but he continued to do both. I never understood the phrase “sometimes love isn’t enough”. I do now. I have no doubt in my mind MDLL loved me. I know I loved him. It wasn’t enough.

I’m doing okay today. I feel strong. I’m proud I tried, I’m proud I was kind, understanding and patient, and I’m extremely proud I opened myself up to love after all of these years. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to get back out there again, but I will, one day. Gingerquest!

The Elephant

I hit my wall. The client's go-live (which means they officially dumped their old system for the new one) was Monday. Things are going pretty well! I'm excited for this project to be over. Antsy, even. It's funny, I used to get like this at my other jobs but for the first time ever I don't actually have to quit. I don't WANT to quit! Today my bosses asked me to give input on the new company logo and website. How cute is that? I was worried I'd hate working at a small company, but it's perfect. I'm involved and appreciated. That's all I've ever wanted!

I've been running on work-adrenaline all month. I've worked 20 days straight, which is a lot for me. I started coming down from my high Wednesday night. I cannot WAIT to go home and do nothing this weekend.

Despite the crazy workage I've had a good birthday month!

St. Patty's Day was a blast. My taco-love quadrupled after finally trying Guelaguetza. HOLYBALLS. Delicious. MDLL and I decided we're going to Hawaii some time in the fall. I AM SUPER EXCITED.

Sadly I am not buying tickets or anything until the dickhead processes his divorce papers, though. Last night I got margarita-tears when the girls asked me for an update. I was so embarrassed that I ripped him a new one in an email this morning. Curse words and all. It felt good.

Truthfully it's not something that bothers me everyday. Maybe that's the problem.

I've wanted to repaint my bedroom for at least five years. I'd wake up and the first thing I saw every morning was the shitty holey wall facing my bed. I'd have this feeling similar to failure, but not quite as strong. Can you have a sense of unaccomplishment? That's the only way I can describe it. I knew I'd feel better if I'd do it, but better how? Will I like it? Will it be right? Will it be a pain in the ass? I wonder if that's where procrastination comes from, a fear of what life will be like once you complete the thing you've put off.

This is how I see MDLL's divorce. I'm sure he does, too. Right now our relationship is a threesome - me, him, and the elephant in the room. Sometimes the elephant is invisible. Sometimes it's bigger than we can handle. The comforting (?) thing is whether we acknowledge him or not, he's always there.

I don't know what will happen once the divorce is final. The elephant will be gone and we will be alone. Alone with each other. I think we're both scared shitless. It saddens me to admit I'm afraid of a happy and healthy relationship. There's no doubt in my mind that's what we would have. We already do have one, except for THIS.

I don't blame the elephant. I blame us for not letting him go.

My wedding photo!

I am Mrs. Thighs Gorilla George.

Is it still March?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I turned dirty-whore, I mean thirty-four!!

I've worked around 70 hours this week; if it wasn't my birthday I'd seriously have no concept of time whatsoever. I even think I woke up wondering what the date was yesterday. Um, HELLO. It was March 9th, THE BEST DAY EVER.

Work is going really well. I'm not used to this schedule, though. Sunday I worked six hours, the weekdays were about eleven hours each, and today I worked another six. I have to work tomorrow too, but luckily I don't have to go into the office. I want to sleep in and not move until at least 10am.

My birthday was fun, but sort of odd! The internet connection went down at the office, so I decided to go to FAO Schwarz for the first time in 15 years. When I returned the internet was still down and we ended up moving to the GM building. I love the view:



A few hours later my boss Iron comes in and hands me a huge FAO Schwarz bag. I chuckled since I had just been there. She gave me the randomest gift ever, a toddler size gorilla stuffed animal. I was speechless. A gorilla doll, really? Turns out George (I named him this) is fucking awesome:



The rest of the day was pretty tame, so I headed home at a decent hour to gussy up for dinner with MDLL. Yeah, the breakup didn't last again. It never does. Resistance is futile at this point. We went to our favorite crabhouse and it was DELICIOUS. New Orleans shrimp, lobster, and crablegs. YUM. The piano man sang Happy Birthday to me. Well, Happy Birthday to Shauna. That's a first! At least it wasn't Sharon. I like that name, but for some reason it annoys me most.

Get this...MDLL bought me flowers and Star Wars Legos. Guess where he bought the latter? FAO SCHWARZ. He hadn't been there in years either. So funny that we went the same day. (FUNNY JUNIPER. There are no coincidences!) The cashier asked if the Legos were a gift for his son. Fa!

Hmmm, what else. I finished The Hunger Games this morning. It was excellent! I can't wait for the movie. I'm actually in the mood to keep reading, so I think I'm finally going to tackle Dark Tower tomorrow. Oh and I want to watch Game of Thrones, too.

I'm glad I mentally prepared myself for March to be all about work and rest. MDLL and I went out for a bit after dinner last night, but I was too tired to stay long. I'm sure my exhaustion was a combination of work and the three jaeger shots I did within fifteen minutes. Whatevs.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Party time!

This week can end now! I'm ready to go out and get my drink on. My tummy feels a little weird; it might be too much acid in my stomach. I took a Prilosec, Tums, and ate some yogurt. Bring on the voka soduh!

I don't want to do any work today. My plan is to leave around 4-4:30pm, go home to drop off my laptop, and come back out.  I brought my shirt for tonight and some makeup so I can beautify here if I need. I might just leave my laptop at work and get it tomorrow. It's not a huge pain to drag it out, but I'd prefer not to worry about it.

My coworker Zebra is here. God he's annoying. Everything he does is LOUD: talking, coughing, drinking, eating, typing, opening a bag, slamming shit, walking. I don't have the best hearing, probably because my family always screamed and I passed out in a speaker at a rave once, so I am amazed how aurally irritating this fucker is. I have my earphones in with no music on, just to lessen the blow.

I never really could work with music on. I'm not sure why I don't listen to music very often. Maybe it's because I'm constantly thinking and daydreaming? I'm excited to get some dancing in later. I heart dancing! I hope we get to take over the jukebox like last year.

Wow. Last year. 33 was a fucking trip. The Year o' Jesus. Wait, did I ever explain this?

Apparently Jesus was crucified and rose from the dead at 33. I thought this was interesting. Why 33? Is the age significant? I'm not religious, but I do like to find connection. I believed this meant 33 was the year of transformation, the year we become who we are meant to be. After all of the changes in my life last year I'm sure of this. Yes it could have been a self-fulfilling prophecy, but so what? I feel more myself than I ever have my entire life.

I went to therapy last night. It was exactly what I needed. I feel much better about everything. I did a little jewelry shopping and bought these awesome ugly green and blue chandelier earrings to wear tonight. I put them on when I got home and my earlobe hung two inches, so that was a wasted $16. My clothes are dark so I was hoping to brighten up the outfit with obnoxious sparkly jewelry. Maybe I'll find something during lunch.

Oh shit, it's 1pm! Yay! Countdown on!

Good things!

I made it 74 hours without contacting MDLL. I called him last night because I couldn't take it anymore. Good news...he spoke with his lawyer and MDLL needs to review the paperwork one more time before it is filed. He said he wanted to call me, but thought it would be best to wait until it's processed like I asked. He profusely apologized, thanked me, and reiterated how much he loved me. I cried, naturally.

I decided I do want to keep in touch, but I am definitely not ready to see him yet. It will fuck me up. We agreed it's best he doesn't come to my birthday party tomorrow night. It's unfortunate, but the right thing to do. I want to get drunk, dance, and have fun, not sob in a corner.

I'm not speaking to my parents or brother just yet. I'll deal with them some other time.

Yesterday was the hardest day. I felt so lost. I didn't know how to feel, what to think, nothing. I feel much more centered today after speaking with MDLL. It brought me back to reality. Luckily, Cee was available tonight so I'm going to talk it out with her later. Therapy rules.

Some more good things...

I went for a check-up on Tuesday with Dr. Bleyer. We're both very excited over how well I'm doing! We discussed the couple of flare-ups I had this year and she suggested maybe it's the gastritis. I forgot I had that! It makes a lot of sense, especially since I didn't eat gluten the last couple of times I got sick. We're going to see how I manage the next few months, then I'll probably go for another endoscopy to check how my guts are doing. I should be getting my blood test results tomorrow. I'm very interested to see if she was right about me always testing positive for mono. I'm a Mono-han!

Everyone is gearing up for go-live next week at work. I almost feel guilty for not being stressed out as everyone else. Isn't that funny? I'm just going to chill and wing it like I always do. The last conversion went super well, so I feel pretty confident I got this! Conversion weeks are exhausting, though. I'm prepared to do nothing, but work and sleep for the next three weeks!

My bedroom looks awesome with the new paint job. I was so happy it worked out that Rolo and her boyfriend Gee were able to stay. I rarely have visitors, so it was nice to play hostess/concierge!

I guess that's it!! I feel MUCH better about things today. I am cautiously optimistic this shit will be over soon. I'm not holding my breath, although MDLL sounded more motivated, concerned, and adamant about fixing this than ever before. I am hopeful again.

Just breathe.

The anger is starting to wear off, which means I can feel the sadness now. I allow myself a couple of good cries in the bathroom, wash my face, and let it go until I get home. I've stayed busy this week, so that helps. Monday I got highlights and a haircut. Yesterday my boss took a few of us out to dinner. I assumed Uncle Jack's Steakhouse was a shitty chain because of the name (maybe I was thinking about Jack's 99 cent stores?), so I was pleasantly surprised with the wonderful atmosphere and food. The lamb chops were excellent. Tonight Juniper and I are going to see Chronicle and Friday is my birthday drinks at Flannery's again. YAY BIRTHDAY!

I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow. Maybe I'll go shopping for a new shirt to wear on Friday. Oooo...I have a Groupon for an hour-long Swedish massage. Maybe I'll do that, too!

All I keep wondering about is the future. How will MDLL and I move forward after this? Will his lackadaisical attitude toward life always be an issue? What will our next break up be over? A delay in us moving in together? Getting engaged? If we do get back together, will my family and friends drop it or will they always have their doubts? Will there be a smugness/told-you-so vibe if things don't work out with him? Will this further damage our relationships? How can I share my life with MDLL with people who don't believe in us? How can I share my life with MDLL if he's debilitated by overthinking things? What happens if he's not my Taco Lobster? What happens if I'm his post-divorce rebound, he's my first adult love, and we're not meant to be? If MDLL is not the guy for me, will I be as willing to let these people into my next relationship?

Obviously I have to chill out. I don't know what the future holds, so I'm forcing myself to take it one day at a time. The problem is every day that goes by and I haven't heard from him, I know he hasn't filed yet. This hurts. I know he can't make his lawyer friend respond, but I can't help feel like if the tables were turned I'd be sleeping at the courthouse until I got in touch with him. I don't remember the last time MDLL and I went 48+ hours of radio silence. It was probably the last time we broke up, right before Halloween. For the past four months we've spoken to each other everyday. And my parents worry he's not available...

I accept the fact that I put myself in this position. No one did this TO me, I made my bed so I'm lying in it. What I don't accept is the way I've been treated. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I will say this: I am open-minded, honest, kind, NICE, and non-judgmental to almost every person I meet. I'm not perfect, I've been through a ton of shit, so I'm the last person to sit there telling others how to live their lives. I may not agree with racists, litterers, fanatics, or the red states, but I consciously make the effort to remind myself everyone is entitled to their opinion and live with free will. My friend posted this saying from the Dalai Lama: "Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." I could sit there and bash people all I want (and I've wanted!), but I remind myself it has no benefit. The more hate and negativity I spew, the more I become filled with both.

On that note, while I am allowing myself to be angry and upset, I make sure I reflect on the good in these relationships as well. No matter what happens with MDLL, I do not regret our time together. I've loved every minute with him. Sadly, the one thing I do regret is telling everyone he's separated. My advice: think about what you tell people. As honest as I like to be, sometimes the truth is an unnecessary burden.

Oscar Fight

I don't know the last time I watched an awards show. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable. Since I rarely see Oscar nominated movies, I end up judging people based on their outfit and/or acceptance speech. Farts.

Tonight I did something much more constructive with my time...I picked a fight with MDLL and my parents.

It started with me laying on the couch pretending to be interviewed by someone who wanted to know my opinion about relationships, politics, everything you can imagine. "Me, run for office? No way, the rest of America scares the shit out of me. Plus the media would have a field day with my past." "HOW CAN A WOMAN BE ANTI-CHOICE!?!? I don't understand!!"

As my Irish started to get up, I noticed a check-in at an ex-friend's house on Foursquare. I debated checking in there because I knew it would piss the cunt off. After some maniacal laughing, I decided against it because I'm not a fourteen year old girl. It was fun to pretend I did it though.

THEN I decided to text MDLL with an ominous "Are you home?" to which he quickly responded "On my way, why?". I stopped myself, realizing my Irish was WAY too up to have a normal discussion with him so I wrote "Nevermind, I was going to pick a fight with you, but I'm going to do push ups instead."

He called, I told him I was all riled up, and we had it out. We didn't fight per se, but we are taking a break. Again.

His divorce has not been processed yet. My parents and brother don't want to see him or hear about him until it's done. Some of my friends don't want to either.

I know everyone is worried about me. I know it comes from a good place. BUT FUCKING HELL, THIS SUCKS MY BALLS.

I am so mad at him for dragging this out again. I'm mad at everyone else for being judgmental. It might be black and white for you, but it's not for me. Should I have stopped our relationship before it went gray?? Impossible. You know why? BECAUSE I LIVE IN THE FUCKING GRAY.

I used to worry I was like a Jerry Springer contestant. "He fucked my sister and my dog, but I still want to marry him." You know what? Go Jerry! Go Jerry!

I am in love with MDLL. He may still be legally married, but I love the fucking moron. He is good to me, he loves me, and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's told me why he's put off processing the divorce and because of this I put my closest relationships on ice just to give him the space he needs. Why? Because I didn't want to give up on him no matter what the cost. I don't know if that's what love is, if that's what being in love means, but that's what I did because it felt like the right thing to do.

But now I finally hit my bullshit limit. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH HIM. I'm sick of my parents and brother saying shit like "You're dating a MARRIED man." and making me feel like a homewrecker. I'm sick of people acting like I'm a doormat or that I'm only staying with him because I don't want to be single again. NO. FUCKING. WAY. I've been single my whole life, I know how to be single. I just don't ever want to be single again now that I found my Taco Lobster.

Being without MDLL is torture. Absolute torture. He is my best friend, my fuck buddy, my heart, my soulmate. I miss him so much when we're apart that it makes me sick. Our relationship is PERFECT except for this. EXCEPT FOR HE'S NOT DIVORCED YET.

I am fine with him being lazy. I really am, at least when it comes to things I can do without him. I can't sign your papers for you, fucktard. JUST DO IT ALREADY.

I told him earlier this month this is it. I can't do this anymore. I can't be in the middle of him and the people close to me. I told him if he doesn't get his divorced processed by March 1st I am taking it as HE dumped ME. I picked this month because my parents always come up here for my birthday and they specifically called a few weeks ago to say they don't want to see MDLL when they visit. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I hate all of you!

So there you have it. I blasted MDLL, I blasted my parents, and I'm kind of blasting you.

FOR THE RECORD...I will say this: I DO NOT REGRET MY DECISION TO STAY WITH HIM THIS WHOLE TIME. The past four months solidified the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with MDLL. I know that sounds weird after this post, but it's not. I love him for better and for worst, just like I love everyone else in my life that way.

I don't know how the collective we will bounce back from this. How if MDLL and I do get married one day, I will be able to share the moment with the people who gave me shit, but I will try. First things first though...PROCESS YOUR FUCKING DIVORCE.

GAH! I HATE EVERYONE. I should have watched the fucking Oscars.

New Orleans pictures!!

NOLA pictures!

My word the trip was only three weeks ago. February has been a really long awesome-filled month!

Tasks!

I am so friggin task-oriented this week! The biggie was painting my bedroom, which I finished last night. It went from lavendar to light lilac. I wasn't planning on going purple again, but it sucked me back in!!

Tonight is cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. I should have guests more often as it's the only way I'm motivated to do any housework. I'm more messy than filthy, though. I'm like a toddler - I use things/take off clothes and leave them wherever I happen to be standing. MDLL only recently got to see what Delilah looks like after the Thighs bomb hits. He seems to get a kick out of me, smiling as he says things like "I found your deodorant under the Darth Vader mask on the chair in your living room." MDLL is really neat, so it should be interesting when we live together.

I made it to 5:30pm! Task time! WOO!

Insert foot

I feel so guilty.

This past week was fabulous. This whole year has been, even with the occasional gluten flare ups!

Saturday night was Rockstar's NYC birthday party. It was SO FUN, I can't wait to see the pictures. I BAKED A CAKE! Me, baked! I tried to decorate it with a big Kermit, fucked it up, and ended with this instead...I had icing all over me by the time it was done. Please remind me to wait at least five hours for the cake to cool. Thankfully everyone enjoyed it!



MDLL and I have spent six out of the last seven days together. Valentine's Day was perfection. He cooked an amazing seafood dinner, I felt really pretty all dressed up (finally!), and we had a romantic candle lit lovefest. We decided not to do presents, although he did buy me beautiful flowers. That night he mentioned he didn't own two of his favorite Simpsons episodes, so I immediately bought them. Thursday night I surprised him with the DVDs and ate dinner with him before he headed to the bar. Friday night was our second Valentine's Day celebration at Bukkake. It was a delicious dinner. The grilled octopus is mind-blowing. We hung out for a bit afterwards (read: hooked up), then I went to bed and he went out with his friends again.

MDLL is a late night partier. I have no objections to this because if I still had the college-like stamina that he does, I'd be out late too. I like our arrangement because we both get what we want, a good night's sleep and a fun night out. I only have one rule when it comes to his partying: he can never, ever, EVER fucking show up to my friend's or family's party drunk or hungover from the night before. He did this once and he knows I will beat the shit out of him if he ever does it again. Ever since he's been on his best behavior. We had a blast at Rockstar's party Saturday night, then went to Crazy Ass for a nightcap. Sunday we laid around, watched TV, and ate awesome food again. I made breakfast nachos: eggs, bacon, guacamole, salsa, cheese, and corn chips. AMAZEBALLS. Later we went for Thai food, which I cannot get enough of now that I know I can eat it. (Pad Thai is rice noodles. Hooray!) Yesterday he was going to go home and relax, while I was going to paint my bedroom. Rolo and her boyfriend are staying at my place this weekend (YAY!), so I used their visit as motivation to finally fix up Delilah. MDLL was nice enough to stay and help me paint, then I took him out to dinner as a thank you.

MDLL came over around 6pm on Saturday before the party. He left at 10pm last night. That was 52 hours of us in a row. I'm not sure if it was the longest stretch we've ever spent together, but - and I hate to admit it - around the 43rd hour mark I sort of wanted to be alone.

A little while later MDLL came in and said something like, "...well I'm getting sick of you so I'm going to leave." I blurted out, "Oh good! I'm getting sick of you too!" happily thinking this was a shared feeling. He looked so sad and said he was only kidding. I tried to cover it up, but it was pretty obvious I was telling the truth. I felt AWFUL, especially since the poor guy was in the middle of helping me paint. I started crying and apologizing. He said he didn't want to overstay his welcome, got ready to leave, but I made him stay. I don't want us to ever leave mad at each other, so I made him watch TV while I finished up the second coat.

We talked about it and I explained that I had an awesome weekend and I'm TOTALLY not sick of him, that I was just looking forward to my alone time. He said he wasn't really upset; he understood because he likes his alone time, too. We talked it out and ended up having a nice night despite me putting my foot in my mouth.

I'm still upset with myself, though. I feel incredibly guilty. After thinking it over, I know why...I don't want to hurt him like my mom hurt me.

Yes, I know this is a stretch considering what I said to him wasn't all that bad, but the amount of guilt I feel leads me to believe this has to do with something deeper than me running my mouth.

I was a commitment-phobe for a long time for a lot of reasons, mainly because I was afraid of hurting the person I love. With everything MDLL and I have been through, I can honestly say I've always approached our tough discussions with an open mind, open heart, and class. We could have had numerous blow outs over his divorce, but I knew it wouldn't have helped the situation. I grew up in a household filled with fighting and negativity and I refuse to create the same experience for my home.

While I do believe it's completely normal for couples to argue, I have worked very hard to learn how to keep my rage-snake in check and communicate in an effective way. I only found out recently that MDLL's wife was a lot like my mother, so the fact that he and I can have open and honest discussions without screaming at each other has really helped the both of us get over some issues.

I guess this is why it hurts so much that I hurt him yesterday. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it and simply learn from the experience. I feel like a broken record when I say this, but I do have to cut myself some slack since this is my first serious relationship. I'm learning it's possible to be mad, disappointed, and/or annoyed with the person I love. I'm also learning what it feels like to accidentally make the person I love mad, disappointed, and/or annoyed with me. It sure is shitty! Blerg.

So Many Things!

Ack! I haven't written in forever. So many things to catch up on!

1. New Orleans was SUCH a good time! I am so glad I went. The rundown:

~ Best travel group ever. All 12 of us were fun, laidback, and seriously up for a good time!

~ In the 48 hours I was there, something in me has changed forever. New Orleans gets in your blood and right to your core. It celebrates both life and death in a way I never thought possible. The energy, the spirit, the hedonism, the sensuality, the macabre, the sadness, the loss, the rebirth, the history, and most of all, the music. I'm considering going back for Jazzfest next year.

~ Bourbon Street is like the Seaside Heights boardwalk on acid, which naturally means I loved it! Gluttony is everywhere! YOU CAN DRINK IN THE STREETS! Ahhhhh! I had all intentions of flashing people, but I got shy. SHY! I did flash Bacon and Janey, though. FYI, I have pale nipples.

~ The Krewe du Vieux parade has ruined all future parades for me. It is AMAZING. You'll see what I mean once I post my pictures (hopefully this week!).

~ The one thing I absolutely wanted to do was go to Marie Laveau's House of Voodoo for a reading. I sat with a reader named Phillip. He knew I have dietary issues, had lost a lot of weight, was dating someone who is still legally married, and some other things. It was fantastic.

~ My new favorite bar: Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop. My new favorite drink: The Voodoo Daiquiri. I need to make this very soon.

‎2 oz. Bourbon
1 oz. Everclear or Vodka
4 oz. Grape Juice
1 cup Crushed ice
Combine Bourbon, Vodka, grape juice and ice into a blender... blend at a medium speed until smooth (15 to 25 seconds).

2. Not sure if you heard yet, but THE GIANTS WON THE MOTHER TRUCKING SUPERBOWL!!! AGAIN!!! WOO HOOOO!! I made sure I'd be home on Sunday in time for the game, just in case they made it in. I was worried I would have jinxed them, but NOSIREE! Actually now I think I singlehandedly insured their win. In 2008, I had hung up four Giants paper plates as decoration for my last Super Boobie Bowl. I didn't take them down until this past November. COINCIDENCE?? I think not!!

3. Last Wednesday I was glutened again. Maybe. I'm not sure what the hell got me. Not knowing is very upsetting, but I healed pretty quickly this time. It's the same as it always is: the pain right below my ribs, the shits, the cold, the exhaustion. The best treatment is to stay home, rest, and rehydrate as soon as it happens. I am SO happy I didn't get sick in New Orleans. Thankfully, all of the restaurants were very accommodating to my dietary needs.

4. Unfortunately I wasn't able to go out on Thursday for Jarv's birthday, but I WAS able to go horseback riding with she and Juniper on Sunday! It was fun! We went to Kensington Stables in Brooklyn. The place is a bit of a shithole (horseshit-hole), but I enjoyed the ride through Prospect Park. I'd like to go again when it gets warmer.

5. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!! I've always liked Valentine's Day, but I must say I am SUPER excited this year. This is my first real Valentine's Day with not only a boyfriend, but someone I truly, truly love. Last February we were still on our ridiculous relationship roller coaster, but we did have a nice dinner at Bugatti in Astoria (we nicknamed it Bukkake) on the 12th. I thought it would be sweet if we went back there, but they weren't taking reservations or Groupons tonight. We decided to stay in and cook seafood at his place instead. Did I mention I was excited?? I'm going to get all dolled up right after work and head over. I EVEN BOUGHT A DRESS:



WOO HOOOOOO!!

6. Speaking of Groupons, I have a zillion! Tomorrow night Juniper and I are taking a two hour intro sewing lesson. I also have three restaurant coupons (Bukkake included), five Krav Maga/self defense lessons, a swedish massage, an archery lesson, four kickboxing classes, and a two hour intro sculpting class. I am NOT allowed to buy anymore until I use these up!

7. Work is really quiet right now. This is the calm before the March Go-Live storm. My boss said I should be prepared to work everyday, including weekends. I'm not sure what I'll do for my birthday. Luckily it's on a Friday, so I'm hoping I'll get to celebrate it!! If I can, I'll probably have another drink up at Flannery's like last year. If not, I might just have a couple of drinks at Crazy Ass in the neighborhood. We shall see!

Hmmm...I guess that's it! Enjoy your V-Day! I hope you all know how much I love you! <3 <3 <3

A Birthday Poem

My dad found this while cleaning out the basement. I wrote it in 1989 when I was 11:



Yes, I've been writing about farts for a long time now...

LOVE YOU DAD!

The Saints Come Marching In...

Countdown to NOLA! Friday morning I will be joining Rockstar's 40th birthday celebration down in New Orleans. I can't wait! I've never been there! I'm super stoked to check this place out, see some old friends, and show off my natural non-implanted frankenboobs for some cheap plastic beads! (I ran this by MDLL. His response, "Do what you gotta do.")

Apparently I decided to prepare for the trip by getting wasted Saturday night in Astoria. I went to MONSTER TRUCKS will Juniper, then headed to Crazy Ass to meet the guys. Somehow the night went from 11:30pm to 2:30pm the next afternoon. Here is what I remember:

1. running around the bar with cheesy sunglasses
2. dancing
3. Sy saying, "Wow, you're never out this late!" and me replying, "I'm ALWAYS out this late." not realizing how late it was
4. How late was it? It must have been around 5am because I remember seeing the stools put on top of the bar and the gate pulled halfway down.
5. throwing up in MDLL's bathroom
6. waking up at some point fully dressed in his bed

As awful as this sounds, I used to brown out/black out a lot when I drank back in the day. I haven't done that in quite a while. I definitely didn't plan on doing it last weekend, it just sort of happened.

Fortunately I didn't feel too bad on Sunday. It was a lovely day of brunching at Bacon's house with a few of my favorite ladies. I had the next day stupids and I did fall over a lot, but nothing crazy. My mind was too distracted to be hungover because I was meeting MDLL's brother that night.

MDLL's family is in Pittsburgh, so this was the first time I was meeting any of them. He is very close with his brother, so naturally I wanted to impress him. I was SUPER nervous about it. I'll admit most of my nerves come from wondering if they'll like me more than MDLL's ex. I know this is dumb, so I'm trying my best to let it go. It's one of those questions I want answered as long as the answer is in my favor.

His brother was very reserved and proper at first. It sort of freaked me out that I might end up in a family of robots. Once he opened up and cracked some jokes I realized MDLL is the same way around people he doesn't know, too. This is called "shyness." Who knew?

The weekend was really good, but I don't feel like I've caught up on sleep yet. Sunday I tossed and turned for some reason. Monday I slept okay. Last night I went to dinner and a movie with Breen (see The Artist now!), then went to MDLL's. I was so exhausted that I stayed over, which I've never done on a weeknight. I slept really well, but I'm still tired today. Oh well, to quote my mother, maybe it's the weather.

Tonight I had planned to go to a birthday party for this really sweet guy from Company, but I think I'm going to skip it. It doesn't start until 9pm, so I was going to go home, do laundry, then head back into the city. I'm still on the fence, although just typing out my plan is making me even more tired.

Decision made. I'm staying in so that I'm well-rested for Nawlins!! WOO HOO!

Quoting Myself

I just wrote this to a friend and I wanted to memoriaThighs it:

"Honestly I don't know shit about dating, but I do know how to become the person I want to be. I've gone through a lot of shit the past year and made the effort to survive it all. The one thing I am sure of now is that every moment in life is an opportunity to learn and grow. We just have to run with it."

PMS and Football

I'm dragging ass today. Dragging. Ass.

I slept most of Friday and Saturday. Rest and fluids is the best thing for me to heal when I've been glutened or sugared or whatever the hell. Saturday night I felt well enough to go to MDLL's and lay around his apartment for a change of scenery. I got another 10+ hours of sleep that night too, so by Sunday I was raring to go for the Giants game. Did you hear the news?

THE MOTHER FUCKING GIANTS ARE GOING TO THE MOTHER FUCKING SUPERBOWL! AAAAIIIIEEEE!!

So awesome.

Or is it?

I was PMSing hardcore Saturday. I cleaned my entire apartment, even scrubbed the walls. I cried over the Disney movie Meet the Robinsons, which is really sweet and adorable. (The movie, not me crying.) When I got to MDLL's, he was dealing with his own male-PMS so I didn't really have the time or energy to act out mine. Man, can that kid be cranky!! The next day he was back to his loving self, so I became an insecure teenage bandgeek. (I don't know why I called myself a bandgeek, but that's what came out as I typed. It probably has something to do with watching American Pie 2 on Sunday. PETEY!) I went middle school on him: "Do you still like me? Do you think I'm cool? I still turn you on, right? Circle yes, no, maybe." Apparently, I need to be extra validated when I'm about to get my pdiddy. MDLL took my moroncy (manujaggered) in stride and made me feel better. He's a good egg.

Later on we went to Crazy Ass to watch the last half of the Ravens/Patriots game. I HATE the Patriots. Hate. It's not because they are good; it's because they are bad fucking sports. Only dickheads go for a two point conversion when the game is out of reach. Brady punting the ball himself last week against Denver was dickish bullshit, too. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should! Belichik's refusal to shake the winning coach's hand is bullshit as well. He and Brady's talent impresses me, but I'd like them more if they had some class.

Get this. When the Giants game started I actually wanted them to lose so they wouldn't face the Patriots again.

WHAT!?!?!? WHAT KIND OF FAN AM I?!?!?!

Seriously, I wanted them to lose for about ten minutes. During that time I talked it out with MDLL.

Me: I can't take this pressure. I want them to lose.

MDLL (slightly laughing at me): What? Why?

Me (near tears): The Patriots will slaughter them for ruining their perfect season!!

MDLL: Orrrr...the Giants could win again.

Me (crying): BUT, WHAT IF THEY DON'T!?!?

MDLL(smiling and hugging me): It will be okay. I promise.

A vodka soda later:

Me: What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I want the Giants to lose? I need to get to the bottom of this. I would rather them lose the Championship rather than try to win the Superbowl? What the hell? Is it because they will be heartbroken if they lose the Superbowl? So what, at least they got there! At least they tried!! Isn't not trying worse than failing?? I mean, failing is better than not trying.

MDLL (smiling, eyebrows raised): ...

Me: Look at my life! I am not scared to do anything except the things that mean the most to me, ie writing, drawing, and creating! I am so scared to be judged about the things I care the most about! But, who is judging??? WHO? I'm failing right now because I'm not trying!! At least the Giants are trying!

MDLL (drinking his beer, staring at me): ...

Me: It's my mother. My mom was so mean and judgmental when I was a kid. I wanted her to like me, but she never did! I wanted everyone to like me so I didn't try because I didn't want to be better than anyone. That's all changed now!! My mom likes me and I like her and the people in my life would love me if I was successful! And they would all love me if I tried and failed! It's like Meet the Robinsons: KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

MDLL then said lovely personal things about his life which I will not share here. More hugs and kisses.

Me: Okay, I want the Giants to win now. LET'S GO BLUE!

END SCENE.

Whine whine whine

I haven't whined in a while. Let her rip!

Stupid fucking gluten. Stupid fucking sugar. I've had a sore throat on and off all week, so I'd pop a couple of Advil and cough drops before bed to sleep through the night. On my way out the door this morning I grabbed some Halls Honey Lemon drops thinking they'd be more powerful than the Duane Reade sugarfree ones I had been using. My throat is fine now. The rest of me, not so much.

I don't know for sure, but since Halls is the only thing I ate out of the ordinary, I am blaming it for my tummy attack at work. It was the usual pattern: I poop a lot, get cold, panic, then become extremely exhausted. I went home around 1pm, slept until about 3pm, and am now blogging. I'm forcing myself to eat a lot because if I don't I'll get even weaker. I feel much better, although I'm still tired and my tummy's a little sore.

I want to cry. It's getting easier and easier to deal with this, but I still can't help getting upset. I feel stupid, embarassed, annoyed, and guilty for hurting my body. I know this is trial and error. I know it's going to take time. Look how far I've come!! I know when it hits I have to drop everything and take care of myself before I shut down.

I've been feeling great, I'm the happiest and most positive I've ever been, and life has been good. For whatever reason, I can't eat gluten and I have to watch my sugar intake. Oh no! I'm forced to eat healthy! Poor me! Ha!

I'm laughing. It was a silly mistake. Now I know better.

Interestingly enough, I ate a premade orzo dish with spinach, sundried tomato, and feta for lunch on Tuesday. I've had it before and never felt gross until this week. I thought maybe it had gone bad or something, so I forgot about it.

Today when I was looking up info on the cough drops I saw orzo is pasta. I had no idea! I thought it was rice! DUMB. So now I'm a bit confused again to what throws me over the edge. Yes, the orzo made my stomach a bit icky, but it passed relatively quickly. Why would the sugar in a cough drop knock me down if that didn't? Trial and error, people.

Oooo Pad Thai is safe! I had it Wednesday night at this really good restaurant called Topaz on 56th Street. DELISH! I'm still very addicted to the gluten free pizza at Mozzarelli's on 23rd Street, too. See, Thighs? Being GF ain't THAT bad!

This post wasn't as whiny as I thought it would be. Yay!

One year anniversary!

Yesterday was my one year anniverary at Biz. Crazy, right?

Wanna hear something crazier?

I LOVE MY JOB.

WHAT WHAT WHAT!?!

January 6th started our final practice conversion before go-live in March, so for the past couple of weeks I've been working late and on the weekends. It was awesome. I feel smarter, more productive, more invested, and HAPPY.

Last week I was walking to work when the thought crossed my mind I might actually love this gig. I stopped in my tracks and had a slight panic attack. This idea was surprising, scary, and confusing. The word "love" was stuck, the "l" caught between my chest and my throat. I forced myself to say it out loud, "I love my job."

My heart still flutters when I say it.

Here is what Professional Thighs has learned over the past 12 months. Actually 6 months, considering I was comatose the first half of 2011.

1. Be sincerely pleasant and kind

I've always had problems with my attitude at previous jobs. I hated inefficiency, stupidity, lack of vision. I hated my bosses once I figured out I was smarter or more driven than they were. I hated a lot of things and I didn't hide it.

I am now the "face of Biz" at the client office. I'm the only one from my company that is here every day. I'm sincerely pleasant to everyone, even when they are being mean and difficult. I realize now that being nice is way more efficient than having a chip on my shoulder. Being nice and kind makes others feel good about themselves and as a result, empowers them to do better. Being nice also makes ME feel good!

2. The Client is not always right.

It's hard to tell someone they are wrong. The Client is not always right, but you have to make them FEEL right or at least, not stupid. While this goes along with being pleasant, it's also a crucial communication skill I'm trying to master.

3. There's a million ways to skin a cat.

An old coworker used to drive me crazy when he said this. Now I understand that if the result is the same, who cares (most of the time)?. I used to fight for what I thought was the proper way to do something; in the end it never really mattered.

4. I love my autonomy.

While it's frustrating at times when I can't get a hold of my boss Iron, I LOVE that I am on my own now. I don't have a boss breathing down my neck, slobbering at my door, questioning my decisions. All I have to do is come here, be cool, and get my shit done. It's perfect.

5. I am a procrastinating crammer.

After 34 years, I've finally realized I am a crammer. In college I'd write papers the night before they were due. At work I can have two months to get a project done, barely touch it, then pull something out of my ass the 11th hour. I no longer stress over this because it's how I am.

6. There's no need to stress.

I realized there are two reasons why I stress over work: one, I'm not doing my job or two, someone else isn't doing their job.

If I'm not doing my job, then I need to fucking do it. End of story. If someone else isn't doing their job, there's not much I can do about it. I can talk to the person or HR, but that never seems to help. The only other options are to either get over it or leave.

Obviously I'm the leaving type. If you aren't then my advice to you is Tim Gunn's advice, "Make it work."

7. Balance is everything.

Part of the reason why I had such a shitty relationship with bosses is because I was expecting way too much from them. I was expecting them to nurture me, empower me, and encourage me to shine. Yeah, those bosses are rare.

I realize now that if my job isn't giving me what I want, then I need to find it in other areas of my life. If my job sucks my soul, then my personal life must replenish it.

Luckily, I believe Iron is one of the good bosses. She's smart, competent, constantly shows her appreciation, gave me a nice bonus, and told me I'm getting a raise next week.

I love my job AND my boss! WHO AM I!?!?!?!

Real Love?

Things with MDLL are going SUPER well. He's still waiting to hear back from his lawyer about the divorce (it's a friend who is doing it for free, so he doesn't want to be too pushy), but other than that (yes, I know it's still a big BUT) things are awesome. He is more communicative than he's ever been. He's opened up about the divorce, where he is in life, how he feels about me, and where we are headed. We go on dates, he treats me well, and he's still the best kisser in the world. Each day we hang out I find myself falling more and more in love with him. It's amazing to me how he gets funnier, sexier, and more interesting every day.

Over the weekend we reflected on the past year, specifically how all of our ups and downs affected us. We laughed about it and pinky swore not to break up again. I told him I've held back on sharing my thoughts about our future because I was afraid I'd scare him off. He said not to worry about it; he thinks about our future, too. I shared a couple of things, like how we should have a Crazy Ass table at our wedding for all of our friends from the bar. I did not tell him that I regularly update my wedding guestlist spreadsheet and have been looking at bridal gowns. Yes, I have become THAT GIRL.

Truthfully it's fun being THAT GIRL. I am excited to be with MDLL, I am excited to be in love, and I'm excited to have met someone I actually want a future with. I've always had an overactive imagination, so it's natural for me to daydream about what our home, wedding, kid (I'm thinking one boy), and life will be like. What isn't coming natural is accepting all of this.

After ten years of failed relationships, I am having a hard time believing MDLL and I are together. I, Thighs McGee, have a boyfriend. I, Thighs McGee, have met the man I want to marry. ME. THIGHS. The former commitmentphobe Jedi-slut. WHAT THE WHAT?

I do not doubt MDLL loves me, cares about me, or that we are both in it for the long haul. Actually I'm not even sure if what I'm feeling is doubt...maybe disbelief? Here is an example:

Last night we went out to dinner, then took the train home together. He invited me to his place and I declined saying it was too cold (20 degrees). I just wanted to go home, put on fleece pants, and veg. He looked sad and said, okay well I want to hang out with you, so I'll come to your place. Sweet, right?

We spent the night snuggling and watching TV. It was perfect. He's perfect. At one point he got up and time sort of stood still. I stared at him and thought, "Is this real? This isn't real. This can't be real."

I can't believe it. How the hell did *I* find love? I've been single my whole life. I can tell you how to meet guys, how to get laid (simply ask them), and how to politely break up with someone, but I have no experience with long-term serious relationships. If we move in together, where/when can I talk to myself or laugh-cry in the fetal position? What happens if the sex gets boring? Will his family like me? Will we always be attracted to each other?

The funny thing is, I now think the roller coaster ride of our relationship actually made it easier for me to digest being one. MDLL had one foot out the door for months. I'm used to guys not liking me, so it was "normal" to feel like this was temporary. Now that he's invested in me and in us, it's a bit jarring. Holy-shit-I'm-someone's-girlfriend jarring.

As fun as it is being THAT GIRL, I know I'm not ready to move in with MDLL or get married yet. He needs to get divorced (duh) and I need to adjust to no longer being a spinster. Like I wrote in an earlier post, I am SUPER excited to see what this year holds for us. I just have to remember to take it slow.

2012 Resolutions

For the first time in my life, my resolutions will not include losing weight and getting a boyfriend. Hooray!

1. Read.

I am starting this year off with Let The Great World Spin, Dark Tower Book 1, and Twilight. I also now regularly read the NYTimes online and just started buying the Sunday paper. Part of this resolution includes mastering the NYTimes crossword every week.

2. Volunteer.

I miss volunteering. I want to find something art or environment related, flexible with my work schedule, and more organized than NYCares.

3. Pay a little more each month to my debt.

I reached the halfway point of paying off my credit card debt. Have I ever said the total on Thighs? Brace yourself...$45K. FORTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Christ. I am now down to $21K. I wish I was a bit happier about this. I've come so far AND I have a way better relationship with money. Live and learn, right?

4. Continue to make my health my number one priority.

Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially...every-ally. Eat right, exercise, floss, sing, dance, meditate, write, draw. Do everything I can to love myself and love my life.

5. Become aware

This goes along with reading, of course. I want to learn and be knowledgeable about current events, politics, and the state of the world. It's a bit overwhelming because I'm not sure where to start, but I'm glad I'm finally interested.

That's it for now...not too shabby!!

Happy New Year!

I'm so excited for 2012!! Right now I'm pumped for the crazy conversion crunch that will be the next two weeks at work and to see what this year will bring with MDLL.

I am FUCKING PSYCHED. The excitement, the positivity, the possibilities, the unknown...I can't take it!! GAH!! ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! Anything! Sure, anything can happen any day, but I feel a lot wonderful things will happen this year. I am freaking out in a good way!

I really need to slow my roll, but I can't! I feel like the guy who saw the double rainbow...



Deep breaths...stop blogging...focus on work...

IMGOINGTOPEEMYPANTS!!

2011 Year in Review: I didn't know.

2011 is coming to an end tomorrow. I can't believe it. I MADE IT!

In a conversation with myself this morning, the theme of this year became clear:

I didn't know.

I didn't know a lot of things about myself, my life, and my world before 2011. Here is what I know now:

I know I am a good, decent, caring person. I know I am sensitive, empathic, and resilient. I know I won't give up on myself or others. I know my limits, my weaknesses, and my strengths. For the first time in my life, I know and love Me.

I knew Boob Saga shook me last summer, but I didn't know how much it would change my life...

Cee said it's possible I had post-traumatic stress disorder for the last sixteen years. Some doctors have found PTSD can stunt a person's emotional and mental growth, keeping them frozen in time from when the trauma occurred. I believe it. The angst and pain I've felt my entire adult life was strangely immature, like I was still a teenager. Read the last four years of Thighs for proof!

I now believe once my implant was removed, my body and soul purged everything. The last few months of 2010 were filled with sharing and recovering from Boob Saga, confronting my fears about 9/11 and my stove, sleepless nights, anxiety, and lots of tears. 2011 started with seven months of a sick slumber. When I awoke I found love.

I love myself, my friends, my family, my boyfriend, my job, my home, my city, my gods. Everything. The implant was in my left breast covering my heart for sixteen years. I believe once it was removed, my heart was free to love again.

My body continued purging long after my surgery. It transformed itself. Being sick this year was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can no longer drink beer, eat crap food, or blow it out every night. My body won't let me. It saved me from my self-sabotaging ways.

I learned so much this year. I know how important my friends and family are to me. I know how important it is to be a kind and respectful person, especially at work. I know there is no right or wrong, only understanding. I know happiness isn't something you need to find. It's just there waiting for you to embrace it. So is love.

Thank you 2011 for being the best worst year of my life.

Thank you Heather for being there when I needed you most.

Thank you Mom, Dad, and Richie for also being there now and always. It took a long time for me to get to a place where I am not afraid to love you anymore. I am very, very happy you are my family.

Thank you Matt for bringing a new kind of love into my life. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. It's funny, they say real love is worth the wait. I don't think that's right, though. It's not worth the wait, it makes you feel like there wasn't a wait.

And thanks to all of you for following me on my journey this year. 2012 is going to be epic. I can feel it.

Best. Christmas. Ever!

I had SUCH a great Christmas this year. Rippie and I went to No Idea on Thursday night, our annual pre-going-home-for-the-holidays drink up spot in the city. We went to Jackson the next day and that night I got to see my friend Annie for a bit. Saturday was filled with shopping, drinking, eating, football, movies, and midnight mass to hear my dad sing in the choir. Sunday was more eating and movies. Monday we went to my uncle's in Long Island, then made a last minute trip to Bay Ridge to see my favorite cousins Dawn, Jody, and their kids. I had so much fun with my family!! We laughed a lot and I truly enjoyed their company. YAY!

MDLL and I celebrated our Christmas last night. It was FANTASTIC. I can't stop smiling. His flight from Pittsburgh got to NYC around 6pm, so I decided to pick him up from the airport. I made a cheesy glittery sign with his last name on it to hold up and poured some vodka into a couple of seltzer water bottles so we can drink on the way home. He was glowing, I was glowing. It was all very glowy.

I really didn't know what to expect in terms of presents because MDLL never bought me one. He told me he was worried I wouldn't like what he bought. Well, he was wrong! SO WRONG!

I asked for a book on the history of the subway, which he got me. Everything else was a complete surprise: A CAMERA, because I mentioned I needed a new one like two months ago; a Captain America shield hoodie; a Star Wars lightsaber candle holder that is so friggin cool - this is what it says on the box: "You could win people over to the dark side of the Force by using mind tricks and fear tactics, but you prefer a gentler hand. A candlelit dinner, perhaps, followed by fresh-baked cookies. Let Vader's power shine over you both."; and last a Star Wars Lego toy which is creepy because I JUST decided I needed to start buying them like two weeks ago and didn't tell him! HE KNOWS ME!

I bought him a speaker dock for his iPod, a sleeve for his MacBook, the Steve Jobs book (Apple much?), Step-Brothers and MacGruber DVDs (his favorites of late), and a couple of nice cigars. He loved everything!! I KNOW HIM!

After presents he took me out for a nice steak dinner, then we came back to my place to get jiggy with it. SNOOTCH!

The past week was filled with friends, family, plenty of wonderful gifts, tons of laughs, and lots of love...easily the BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVER!

I hope your Christmas was awesome, too!!

Yay good thoughts!

Yaaaayyy! The good thoughts worked!

I had a three day hangover. The morning nausea seems to be related to the rice cake with peanut butter I was eating for breakfast almost all week. At first I thought it was due to taking a stronger dose of Synthroid on an empty stomach. Actually it could still be that...I was fine yesterday morning when I didn't eat the rice cake and had a huge dinner the night before at Uno's. I hate going to chains in the city, but they have a gluten free menu! The pizza was okay; Mozzarelli's on 23rd Street is loads better. HIGHLY recommend it. Anyways, I didn't eat much dinner last night, ate a rice cake this morning, and voila - nausea.

Besides the morning yucks, I feel fantastic! It's been a great week! My male boss, who I guess I'll call Miron since my female boss is Iron, called me into his office and closed the door. He barely ever talks to me, so I'll admit I was a bit nervous. Well, they still love me and I'm getting a 10% bonus! Yay! Moola plans:

1.10% to charity. It's time to pay it forward! I'm thinking local NYC ones. Please let me know if you have a charity you'd like me to donate to.

2. Take MDLL out on a nice date.

3. A bunch of us are going to New Orleans for Rockstar's 40th birthday in February, so now that's paid for!

4. Boots. The weather has been so nice that I've been able to get away without a pair, but it's bound to snow soon.

5. Taxes and debt. I'm not sure what's going to happen with my taxes this year. This is my first job where I don't have ANY pre-tax deductions. Hopefully I don't end up owing. If I don't, the rest of my bonus is going right to my debt. If I do, I'm fortunate to be able to pay! I was just saying to Juniper last night that I don't mind paying taxes. I just wish I knew where it all went.

My brother Rippie is flying in from LA right now. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM! I'm heading home right at 5pm and starting my four day weekend. Next week I'll probably work from home, then I have another four day weekend. LIFE IS GRAND!

There's only one thing I'm a bit bummy about, but it's not so bad. In fact, it's better than bad - it's good!

MDLL left for Pittsburgh last night. He's gone for a week. It's the longest we've been apart, not counting our five thousand break ups. I cried!! I miss him sooooo much and I'm bummed we can't spend Christmas together. So why is this a good thing? I am so incredibly thankful and blessed to have found someone I love and know they love me back. The more I miss him, the more I know he is The One. YAAAAAYYYY!!!

Good thoughts! Healthy thoughts!

I've stayed pretty positive for a good month now. I don't want it to end! I do find myself a bit down today, though. I was a little nauseous and had the cold sweats in the evening. Once I ate dinner I felt fine.

Today I'm tired and a bit rundown. I'm trying to stay cool about it, but it's hard. I immediately go through the list of things I ate, what I did, etc., which sort of makes me feel worse because I'm playing the blame game with myself again. I don't think it's food related. It's quite possibly I'm getting my annual Christmas cold and flu.

I also have to admit to myself I went out a lot this week, more than I have in quite a while. Wednesday night MDLL came over and we almost polished off a bottle of vodka. (Sobieski is the shit!) I was in the mood to get my drink on and I succeeded! MDLL said he hadn't seen me that drunk in months. At around 1:30am I finally put myself to bed. Thursday I was hungover and hurting alllll daaaaay.

Friday I went out with my Minnow girls Ceej and Breen. It was so fun!! I miss those bitches. I drank a lot of vodka again, got home around midnight, then stayed up until 2am doing who knows what.

Saturday I woke up at 7am and couldn't go back to sleep. I went to yoga at 11am then took a two hour nap before heading into the city to do some Christmas shopping. I went to MDLL's apartment on my way home for dinner (delicious gluten-free pizza from Mozzarelli's!) and planned on calling it an early night. It didn't happen. We went to the Crazy Ass holiday party around 10pm and left at around 2am to carry home the flat screen TV he won at their raffle. WOO HOOO!! We were up until about 3am setting it up and watching a bit of Star Wars.

The NEXT morning (haven't you missed these kinds of posts?) I woke up at 8am, couldn't go back to sleep, blah blah blah skip to feeling crappy in the evening until I ate dinner. I slept a solid ten hours and I might do it again tonight.

The Steelers are playing Monday Night Football, so I told MDLL I'd come over and watch the game with him. I think I need to just go home. I don't want to get sick and we have a date tomorrow night anyways. He's going home to Pittsburgh for a week on Wednesday, so I want to spend tomorrow with him before he leaves. I'm really sad we aren't spending Christmas together. Here's hoping we will from now on!

Anyhoooo...I wrote this post for myself. I mean, I write all of them for myself, but I'm bummed about not feeling well and I need to stop freaking out...

Dear Thighs,

I know we've been through a lot this year and you're worried it's going to get bad again. It won't! I PROMISE. Just two weeks ago we had a gluten attack and felt awesome after a few days. It will pass! Every Christmas we get some sort of bug or flu, so that's very well what could be happening right now. Also, we partied a lot this week, so it could be a massive drawn out hangover. We're still healthy overall!

Relax. We didn't do anything wrong, except act like we're a drunk twenty-something again. Stop feeling guilty you're hurting our body. The guilt is making you feel worse. Next time we have to remember we don't like being hungover and we need our sleep!

Self-inflicted boozing ills aside, sickness is a part of life. It's going to happen no matter how hard we try to avoid it. Say something did happen, what do we know now? We know we like and trust our doctor, we know we have good support in our friends, we know Mom and Dad will come running to our rescue, and we know we will be strong and face it head on. We are not alone.

Go home, relax, watch TV, and got to bed early. After a good night's sleep tonight, I'm sure we'll feel like a zillion bucks tomorrow.

Love,

Me/You/Us

MY Struggles

I woke up this morning and reread my last post. It occurred to me these aren’t world struggles; they are MY world struggles. World struggles would include famine, disease, war, lack of freedom, things I am fortunate enough to not have to live with and hopefully never will.

I am lucky to live in a country where everyone has a voice, an opinion, and freedom. I am lucky to have a life in which I am not stressing out about feeding myself, my kids, paying a mortgage, or trying to find work. My good life has afforded me the opportunity to focus on issues that do not directly concern me. Instead of seeing this as a burden, I now think of it as a gift. Do you think a single mother with five kids cares about the TLC show losing advertisers? Fuck no.

On my way to work this morning I had a moment of clarity. I exited the train with a furrowed brow and heavy heart, deep in thought about my post. The stairway out of the station was packed for pedestrian rush hour and here was this dumb lady allowing her two year old daughter to slowly walk up each step on her own. I was so irritated. Pick up your fucking kid and get out of our way!

As I rushed pass them, a heard a man behind me ask, “Do you need help?” The woman’s response was dripping with gratitude, “YES! THANK YOU!” Here I was caught up in my own bullshit, ignoring the fact this woman was carrying a stroller while her daughter walked in front of her. It did not occur to me she couldn’t carry both of them. Ironic after I just wrote how proud I am of my common courteous, right?

I laughed out loud. It was exactly what I needed to feel better and get my head out of my ass. There is no right and wrong. There is only understanding.

The world is suffering. This is not pessimistic, it’s the truth. Chances are I will not be able to change it on a larger scale. All I can do is change my perspective and make MY world meet my expectations. I want a world filled with PLUR, an acronym a heard from my club days – peace, love, unity, and respect.

If the world is suffering, if death is inevitable, there is no reason to stress about it. Accepting this may sound like giving up, but it’s not. Acknowledging the dark makes the light seem that much brighter. If I want to make a difference, all I need to do is shine my own light bright and empower others to do the same.

Another safety tip...

If you live alone, do not have your full name on your mailbox or buzzer. Thieves can scope out an apartment to rob by doing this, figure out who you are, when you leave, and break in. Worse things can happen if you are home and they don't care.

Instead of having your full name, just have your last name. This way no one knows if it's one person, a couple, or a family. If that's not possible, ladies at least just have your first initial and full last name. Unless you're Pat or Chris, it will be obvious you're a chick on your lonesome.

Sorry, just something to think about.