Blah blah blah blah blah blah. I know why I can’t write or color or do anything that I want to do creatively. I didn’t realize this, but apparently my frequent panic attacks as of late are all triggered by creative projects. Can you fucking believe this? How can I have a creative career if I’m just going to keep panicking every time I try to do something from my heart? I’m struggling to let go as I write this to. What is it I’m afraid of? Do I think if I put something out there that no one likes that this mean that won’t like me? And so what if they don’t like what I put out there. I’m not perfect, and when it comes to creativity there is no perfect, no right or wrong, no anything. Nothing. I think I found my rhythm now. I wonder if my boss can hear me typing this fast. Or slow, according to three posts back. Four? I’m not looking. I should learn how to touch the keyboard ninja style, oooo I’m getting lower now. Lower and slower though. Why don’t I just close the door and then I won’t have to worry about him hearing me type. Can he hear me type over the sound of his crunching potato chips anyways? He eats really loud. I don’t usually hear him but my friend in the next office does. She said it’s pretty damn bad. I can imagine having sat in awful places with awful neighbors. When I moved into this office I immediately told me new neighbor to yell at me if she hears any weird noises. I almost said weird smells too, but she’s religious. I don’t understand religion. I like to believe we each have a different god inside of us and that they all hang out together when they feel like it. Maybe they play pool. I haven’t played pool in awhile, I used to want to be a pool shark but that didn’t work out. I’m typing loudly again. Loudly typing.
I think I should really consider going to a creative camp or something that will help me lift these walls or blocks I have. If creativity makes me anxious, no wait. If my fear of being creative and putting myself out there is making me anxious chances are I’ll never be able to have a creative career. I’ll be too busy clutching my chest and breathing into a paper bag. There won’t be any time to write. No what made me finally make the connection to creativity and panic? A baby shower bow/ribbon hat. For the tripods out there, it’s a cute and cheesy tradition to take all of the bows and ribbons from the shower gifts, slap them on a paper plate, and make a hat for the mom-to-be to wear. I like doing it and offered to do so for my friends’ baby shower yesterday (Congrats M & J, love yous!) and had a panic attack while doing it. Sorry M & J, I would have said something, but there’s really not much to do when I’m in one. I didn’t realize until later that the hat triggered it. How dumb is that??? It occurred to me that’s how I felt the whole time in my Basic Graphic Design class too. I haven’t written about that class much because I fucking hated it. I hated how it made me felt. It highlighted all of my faults!! I’m a bad time manager, I’m scared to let go, and I get so afraid of doing something shitty that I don’t bother doing anything at all or I wait to last minute so that I can fall back on the “I didn’t have time” excuse for it being bad. Of course it didn’t help that my teacher was a prick the first few weeks, actually bashing mine and a couple of other projects in front of the whole class. I felt naked. I felt stupid. I felt stupidly naked. I hated that class!!! AARRGGHH. I’m not taking another one for a while. It’s just too soon.
Okay the truth is I didn’t hate the actual class, I hated what I learned about myself in that class. I learned that I’m scared, stuck, and scared. Scared is twice. Why am I so afraid of everything lately? Is it because I’m getting older and understand what’s at stake? Is it because I care too much? I’m sick of being scared! I was never like this when I was younger, but then again I was drunk and fucked up when I was younger. If sobriety means feeling scared about everything, then bring on the booze. No, don’t bring on the booze. I want to figure out how to unscare myself. Unscare? Is that even a word? How to find the courage to power through and put myself out there without fear. Or is fear a good thing when you’re creative? Is fear what drives people to put out their best work? What about the shit work out there? They’re still better than I am because they’re doing SOMETHING, whereas I’m doing NOTHING but panicking. What is the best way to not panic? I’m reading Tony Robbins’ Unleash the Giant Within. (What?? My profile says all I read are comics and self-help books.) In it he says that the best way to fight fear is through action. I’m assuming this means that if I get into the habit of writing, coloring, etc. I won’t feel so anxious any more. I guess that’s why I’m trying to post in this stream of consciousness type fashion. If I can get used to tapping in here on Thighs then hopefully (it is with hope) that I will be able to tap in my other projects.
I’m hanging out with friends this week that will ask me about my projects and I will have to say I’m not doing anything. Isn’t that sad? I’m embarrassed. It’s embarrassing to know that I have goals that I’m too scared, lazy, whatever to pursue. I’m trying my best to breakthrough this, but sometimes I just want someone to punch my ass and say, “Let go! You only have one life so do it up, fucker!!” I don’t know why they have to punch my ass. Now that I think of it a good ass punch does hurt, especially if it’s near the tailbone. Why am I so pale? It’s not fair. I’d like to be able to tan so that my I don’t blind people at the beach or in bed. The last guy I slept with was pale too and my bedroom was glowing. It was hot that night. I really don’t want to put an AC into the big window that looks out toward the city because I get a great breeze most nights. The other window has a fire escape so I don’t think it can go there by law. I have to pee.
I peed. I made the mistake of eating Indian food for lunch. I haven’t had it in a long time. The mistake wasn’t really ordering it, it was continuing to eat the palaak panir spinach dish even though the first bite turned my tummy. Ugh. It still hurts. A big sorry to whoever sits behind me at the Yankee game tonight. Oooo…I need to post my pics and thoughts on the city’s two new stadiums. Not sure if I’m traveling to any other ones this year. I have a wedding in Texas in August, but the Rangers aren’t home and Houston is a good four hours away. I might go to Pittsburgh Shittsburgh though. Pittsburgh people are a little banged up looking right? Bill Cowher looks better as an anchor. I miss football. I like going to baseball games and all, but I think I’m more a football fan at this point. How can you not be?? Wow, I kind of can’t stop writing. This feels nice. It would feel nicer if my lunch break wasn’t almost over. Ha, lunch break. It’s almost 4pm, who am I kidding? Oooo…panic attack coming. I wonder if they’re also triggered by procrastination. Crap, maybe they aren’t panic attacks and I have low blood sugar or anemia or something. Can fat people have low blood sugar? That doesn’t seem to make any sense. Is there a new printer over there again, oh no he was running to get the mail cart. My office faces a cube wall. Not much scenery except when people come flying by. My one coworker stares into my office every time she passes. I should sit here with my finger up my nose next time I hear her approaching. I find it funny when 90 pound people stomp like a fucking elephant with a rhino on its back. Its, it’s. I’ve always been good on that. Their, they’re, and there, too. If I get stuck I say it out loud. I talk to myself a lot actually. Do I say actually a lot? I think so. What does actually even mean anyways?
ac⋅tu⋅al⋅ly[ak-choo-uh-lee]
–adverb
as an actual or existing fact; really.
As I suspected. I say realized a lot, too but hey, I’m realizing a lot lately.
Synonyms: apprehend, be cognizant of, become conscious of, catch, catch on*, comprehend, conceive, discern, envisage, envision, fancy*, feature*, get, get it, get the idea, get the picture, get through one's head, grasp, image, imagine, know, pick up*, recognize, see daylight, take in*, think, understand, vision, visualize
I recently became cognizant of my tendency to project my internal challenges through external experiences, ie making baby shower hats or getting lost. If I get to the core of everything I do I seem to find the connection to an old feeling or fear. Or fearful feeling. Like now. I’m excited to be writing, but I am at work and should be working. I’ve done all of tasks for the day so I’m not technically procrastinating, but there are some things I could be doing to prepare the rest of the week. I am choosing not to do them because I am afraid to go above and beyond here because I don’t want to risk losing myself, my mind, and my health at my job again. That being said, Minnow is implementing Oracle and guess who volunteered to be on the team!! I am excited about it, so maybe that’s more my issue right now. I know there will be tons to do in the next forever so I’m taking the small moments of peace I have now and exploiting them as much as possible. Exploiting?
ex⋅ploit [ik-sploit]
–verb (used with object)
to use selfishly for one's own ends
Selfishly? Crap. I am being selfish. I should go.
