Thingalings

What do Chris Rock, Justin Bieber, John Larroquette, and I have in common? We were all at last night's Knicks game! Hooray! It was so fun that I may become a basketball fan again. I played in high school and enjoyed watching games back then, but haven't been interested since. I miss Pat Riley.

The Gentleman is quickly approaching friend territory. I'm attracted to him, I just can't take the unfunny. Our conversations are so boring! They are very vanilla discussions about work, health, sports, family, friends. I feel like I'm talking to...gosh I can't even think of one person that I don't kid around with. I am sarcastic/silly/jokey with everyone and even I can't make this guy loosen up. SHEESH! It's weird though because we barely spoke during the Knicks game, but I still had a nice time...

OHHHHH. I get it now. I like the companionship. Yeah, I gotta say it's really nice to know that if I wanted to go see a movie, he'd go. MD probably would, too. Dating's fun when there are options.

I worked from home the past two days and I probably will tomorrow, too. I would have today, but I felt like I should go into the office since I haven't spoken to my boss since Tuesday. No one from Biz was there, so it was sort of pointless. Oh well. At least if my boss asks I can say I went. It's so weird to not have my boss up my ass slobbering over his own tongue at my office door everyday. By "weird" I mean "FUCKING RAD".

Working from home has highlighted the fact that Delilah needs a few things:

1. Wireless. I don't want to spend the whole day in my bedroom at my desk.

2. Duh. I was going to say a new and comfortable desk chair, but I guess I don't need that if I get wireless. Maybe a comfy recliner would be better.

3. Bookshelves and cases. This has nothing to do with the new gig, I'm just sick of looking at piles of books everywhere.

4. I WILL TAKE BLIZZARDS OVER HEATWAVES ANY DAY. A very controversial Facebook status. I wish the more snow meant the cooler summer, but I know it doesn't so I'll have to get a better A/C this year.

5. Food. Hold please.

6. More phone minutes. I barely get up to the 450 I have now, but I'm sure once I get into the groove with work I'll need more.

This week has been a good one, except for the sick. This is really getting ridiculous. The latest issue is a horrible headache in the back of my head. I rarely ever get headaches. The only time I did was when I had Lymes disease as a kid. Apparently Lymes can come back at any time, so it's quite possible this is my problem. Then again with symptoms like mine, anything is fucking possible. Jerks.

This morning was pretty rough again, but I felt better after lunch. The "Hold please" for the food was because I am having a rough time eating. I AM eating, I'm just afraid to eat something that will make me sicker. I haven't had any bread for two weeks now. All I've been eating are veggies, eggs, cheese, and chicken. The only sugar has come from a little bit of fruit and ginger ale once in a while. This is probably why I'm getting headaches and dizzy, but I don't know what to do! I was close to eating a cracker before and I stopped myself. I took this Candida saliva test online (I know, I know) and it appears I have it.

Oooo! Science project! Can you try the test and let me know what happens? THANKS!

I don't have a scale so I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if I lost about 7 pounds. I wish I had the energy to work out, so that I can firm up too. I'm hoping the test results are in tomorrow. The good news is I will get answers, even if they say nothing is wrong. The bad news is, something definitely is wrong and I don't have the patience to fucking wait any longer. I have things to do people!! Let's get me healthy!!

Oh hell no.

Camping chair = bad idea.

My apartment smells like a six year old West Virginia musty campfire.

D'oh!

Oh hell yeah!

My boss said I can work from home the next two days because of the weather.

I went to bed at 9:30pm, slept until 8:30am, and am now at my desk working.

I made my bed, showered, threw on some fleece pants, and am lounging in a camping chair only because my usual desk chair makes my tailbone hurt and legs fall asleep if I sit in it too long.

This job rules. Oh hell yeah!

I win!

My number of posts for January is more than the number of days in the month. This one doesn't count.

Take that 2009!

Blonde Moment #139

Mark your calendars, people.

Today is the day I finally got why Rip Torn's name is so cool.

Rip. Tear. Torn.

Ohhhh....

The Nothing Weekend 2

I guess it's impossible to have a nothing weekend. I am always doing something, ie sleeping or watching TV*.

I heard from The Gentleman yesterday afternoon. He apologized saying...shit, what did he even say? I don't know, something about not realizing I wanted to meet that early. Then he asked if I wanted to go to a Rangers or Knicks game this coming week. Knicks please! I've never been to a pro basketball game. Score!

I hadn't really eaten all morning since I was waiting on him, so around 2:30pm I decided to go to the diner around the corner by my lonesome. I used to go a lot during my bloody mary phase a few years back. It was acceptable to drink them at noon as long as I was brunching.

While I was waiting for my food (A chicken and feta wrap. I didn't eat the wrap.) I started to feel weird. I really don't know how to describe what I've been feeling all week. It's a combination of fatigue, fog, and disconnection. At the diner I felt something different, sort of like I smoked dust. (No wonder I'm falling apart at 32.) Everything around me looked so real it seemed fake: my salad, the booth, the red shiny snowflakes that spun from the ceiling (they were really there), my hands. Even now as I type this I'm looking at my "fake" iMac and purple walls and wonder when they will seem normal again. It's almost like an absent presence. I'm here, but I'm not.

All of a sudden I started to think I might get up on the table and start howling. Okay, maybe that was a stretch but I did feel like I was going to lose it and make a scene. I had the waiter wrap the rest of my wrap without the wrap and I went home.

I stayed in the rest of the night. I talked on the phone, texted with MD, meditated, wrote, and watched American Beauty. I haven't seen it in years. I forgot how much I love that movie. I cried through most of it. It felt good. Crying always does.

This morning it occurred to me that maybe I haven't had the release I need lately. I obviously made a huge life change this month with leaving Minnow and starting a new career at Biz. I haven't given myself time to reflect on either, mostly because it all happened so fast. I guess I don't know what hit me.

I'm starting to wonder if I am sick. My personal history has shown I make myself physically ill when I'm not psychically balanced. If I don't manage my stress, my body knocks me out and forces me to chill. This frustrates me to no end, which doesn't help the matter.

Today I decided to relax and play it by ear. I already went to the store and did laundry. Bacon came over and watched me cook eggs. Next up is cleaning, some exercising, possibly a walk because it's so gorgeous out, and a couple hours of work. MD and I might hang out a bit later. If not, I'll meet Bakes and Jarv out for dinner. If I feel stressed I will sit with it for as long as I need, then move on with my day.

I'm going to live like I feel well with the hope that maybe I will.


* It feels awkward writing "tv" so I choose to write "TV". Discuss.

The Nothing Weekend

I woke up early to go for bloodwork this morning. The Gentleman and I were going to have breakfast around 11am, but he hasn't returned my call. This is very uncharacteristic of him, based on the 28 days I've known the bloke.

I'm feeling okay, which this week means my head is killing me, I'm wiped out, but I'm functional. I can't wait for "okay" to be back to it's usual definition of "healthy and discontent."

The doctor is testing me for a whole bunch of things: basic panel screenings, mono, anemia, food allergies, household allergies (cockroach is actually included), and autoimmune diseases, including lupus. I know nothing about lupus other than Mercedes on the first season of America's Next Top Model had it and she was tired all of the time. My symptoms are so general that it could be anything, but one thing that stuck out on lupus is a rash on your nose and cheeks. Maybe I don't have rosacea.

And MMMAAAYYBBE I should stop reading Webmd for fuck's sake. It's porn for neurotics.

The doctor also dropped the dreaded "d" word. Depression. Yeah, buddy. I know.

I originally wanted to stay in and do nothing this weekend, but now I'm wondering if I'm better off going out. Not to drink of course, just to be among the living. MD and I might get dinner tomorrow. I still feel like Sunday is our day, even without football (I have zero interest in the Pro Bowl). We'll see.

Geez, The Gentleman is going to need a new nickname if he doesn't call soon. Oh well. I don't think I'm good at liking two people at once anyways.

Three years ago...

I posted this.

I randomly came across it just now. I laughed the hardest at #23.

Yes. The hardest.

Lone Wolf

I was the only Biz person at the NY client office today. Working by myself is fucking awesome. I can't wait until I feel better, so that I can really enjoy this gig!!

This morning was pretty rough. I felt awful, then I had some vegetable soup for lunch and felt great for about two hours. Now I'm tired again. Oh well. I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow morning, so we shall see. I'm assuming he's just going to send me for a lot of bloodwork. Fingers crossed something definitive, curable, and manageable comes up!!

I got my first paystub. My paycheck was way more than I expected only because I don't have insurance, a 401(k), or transit checks deducted yet. I was blown away by the amount. Hurrah!! Luckily it's just in time for this doctor visit. It's probably going to cost a shitload since I'm not technically covered yet. I'll get reimbursed, though.

Juniper asked me what my plans are this weekend. My parents probably won't come up because of the snow, so now all I'm going to do is sleep, watch movies, and work. Perhaps cook too, if Bacon's still available for a lesson.

I would like to see The Gentleman as we haven't hung out in a week. I don't really feel like seeing MD. Nothing against him or anything, I'm just too tired to deal with my feelings for him.

Eh, that's all I got.

Balls and Stuff

Balls.

I wrote "balls" in an email a few minutes ago and now that's all I want to say. BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS.

Okay. I'm done.

I'm feeling better, but I still haven't kicked this thing yet. I'm trying to stay positive and not stress about it. I'll figure out what's wrong sooner or later. Preferably sooner. I'm afraid to eat bread or anything with yeast. I'm not sleeping through the night. I look like shit.

I was able to go the office for a few hours yesterday and I made it the whole day in Philly today. My boss was really understanding. Turns out she has some digestive problems, too. Geez, who doesn't? It's pretty amazing how aware I am of bread in the world now. Isn't that dumb? Like today at the Philly train station there was an Auntie Anne's, Au Bon Pain, Cosi, Dunkin Donuts, and a few other random coffee\muffin places. The only place I could get some protein was McDonald's (hold the bun), but I haven't eaten that shit in years so I skipped dinner. Yeah, totally losing weight.

Not feeling well is taking up all of my time and thoughts. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm also trying not to think about boys right now either. I'd like to focus on work, but unfortunately I'm all over the place. Ha! When am I not??

My mom is worried about me, so I invited the parentals up this weekend. I wouldn't mind some babying, to be honest. I like attention!

FYI: Don't drink Philly water.

BALLS!

I hate this.

I went to work, got really nauseous and lightheaded again, and came home at 1pm. I slept until about 4pm and have been sitting here gchatting/trying to do work from home.

I feel like shit. I feel shittier than shit because I'm annoyed, embarrassed, and worried that my bosses are going to be upset with me. I'm supposed to go to Philly tomorrow, but I don't think that's happening.

Yesterday I felt so much better. I ran errands in the morning, ate a protein bar and some turkey slices, then went to Crazy Ass to watch the games. I didn't drink, ate some peanuts, a burger without a bun, some salad, and two french fries. I made it to halftime of the Jets game and had to go home because I was so tired again.

I don't know what's happening and it's really upsetting me. I've been through similar shit so many fucking times only to hear nothing is wrong and it's psychosomatic. Of course that's better than needing surgery or something, but I swear to Shizza if I'm doing this to myself because I can't manage my stress I will kill someone.

I honestly don't think that's the case, though. It really seems to be triggered by food, I just haven't figured out what food yet. I called my doctor today, but he was out. I'll try again later this week.

It's possible I haven't entirely kicked my stomach virus/intestinal flu from a couple weeks ago, but I didn't really believe that diagnosis to begin with. I just can't fucking believe I feel this crappy. The fatigue is like nothing I've ever felt before. I can barely keep my eyes open. My stomach doesn't really hurt. It's just really gurgly and knotted.

Today I ate half a banana and some turkey slices again. I'm trying to stay away from wheat and yeast as best I can, but shit, check out your nutrition labels. Everything has wheat or yeast, even the damn chicken broth I bought to ease my stomach. Gah!

Who knows, maybe I'm not allergic to those things, but it sure seems to be triggered by snackage like chips and pretzels. I was fine the past two weeks, although I was pretty tired Thursday on. Can I really get the flu twice in one month?

The timing of this cannot be any worse. Or maybe it could...I mean, if they were to fire me for being sick my first full week do I really want to work for these people?

Blerg. I hate this!

Week 1 Recap

Ahhhh! Finally I'm ready to write about my first week at Biz. I would have done it yesterday, but I fucked my shit up again.

Friday night I went to poker (I won $6.57! Booyah!). I ate a slice of pizza on the way, then a bunch of chips, pretzels, tomatoes with hummus, and three Guinness at Rockstar's. I didn't think much about what I had eaten until yesterday morning. Halfway through my peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole grain toast I felt queasy. I thought, maybe I should stop eating this, ignored myself, and finished it. Immediately after I became ridiculously fatigued, nauseous, and a complete menthole. After a three hour nap I felt better, so I invited MD over to watch a movie later on and spent the next two hours cleaning for his arrival. (Delilah was TRASHED.) By the time I was done cleaning I felt like shit again, so I cancelled on him and spent the rest of the night half watching Mamma Mia on TBS and Blades of Glory on ABC. Weird to note, I fell asleep on the couch and woke myself up from snoring. I never snore! I wonder what that means...

I feel okay this morning. I'm a little weak, but I didn't eat anything after the PB&J so I'm sure I just need some fuel. At this point it's pretty obvious I have a food intolerance, I'm just not sure if it's wheat, gluten, or yeast. Maybe it's all of them. There's not much to do by way of diagnosis except good old trial and error. My health insurance hasn't started up yet, so if I went to the doctor's for some tests I'd have to pay everything out of pocket until I can submit a claim for reimbursement. No thanks. All I can do now is avoid food with those ingredients and see how I feel. The problem is practically everyting I like contains wheat and/or yeast! Oh well. At the end of the day, cutting all that shit out is just going to make me healthier and probably lose weight. That's not so bad!

SO. Biz. It's a bit a surreal. It was a conversion week, so all we did was sit in a training room and stare at our computers for eight hours straight. The only time I got up was to go to the bathroom and buy lunch. I've worked like this before, but it's been a while so it was a bit exhausting thinking this hard. The good news is I was able to jump right in and help validate data and update the user test plan. I'm really proud of myself. While I don't know anything about law and only a little finance, I do know how to be an analyst. I caught some issues, raised some questions, and already got praise for contributing. Oh and it turns out my bosses are moving upstate, so they want me to be the face of the Philly project. I'm supposed to head down there on Tuesday to meet everyone. Crazy!

I have two favorite moments from this week. One, I told one of the developers I love Peppermint Patties so she bought a whole bag. Two, I had to go to another building on 59th and Madison to get my ID. I was on the 23rd floor in a conference room with a GORGEOUS view of Central Park. I felt so special, almost like I had made it or something.

My least favorite thing so far is the 53rd and 5th station on the E/M line. I've avoided this station for years. I don't know if it is the deepest one (heh), but there are so many stairs down it feels like I'm entering the bowels of hell. I'll probably still take it though as it's only five stops from me in Queens and is the closest one to our client office. I'll avoid it once it gets warmer out.

Blah. I'm tired again. This sucks!! Stupid fucking eating problem thingie!

Thinking makes me tired.

I'm beat! It's just after 9pm and I'm ready to turn in for the night. Thinking makes me tired.

So do boys. I met up with my college friends Blancs and Satan for drinks last night. It was so great to see them! I was good and only had two beers. FMI*: a couple sips of Ommegang Three Philosophers made my head hurt. I couldn't even finish it. Must find the cause of my allergic reaction!

We met at a bar near MD's office, so he came out too. It was the first time we hung out in the city and the first time I saw him in a suit (he's in finance). HOT. Totally hot and he was really charming and comfortable in what could have been an uncomfortable situation (it's usually hard to keep up with a group of old friends). He also paid for me, which I was not expecting at all. I am really happy he joined us.

We took a cab back to the hood and to go to Crazy Ass. He wanted to change first, so yada yada, we made out. I could kiss him for years.

Tonight I had dinner with The Gentleman who's been out of town since Saturday. It was nice to see him. Weirdly enough, the two of them sort of look alike. Not at first glance, but they have the same shaped head and smile. I guess I do have a type other than a spotted ginger.

The Gentleman is busy this weekend, which works out well since I'll probably watch football with MD on Sunday. GM and I have tentative plans for next Tuesday, but I might be at a client's office in Philly next week. (I will write about work tomorrow. Quick version: GAHYAYWOWHOLYCRAPI'MACONSULTANT.)

I decided I'm going to date both of them for a while. I also decided I am not going to have sex with them anymore. After years of whoring I have one rule: only sleep with one guy between periods so that I don't end up on Maury. Truthfully I'd rather be with MD of course, but since I already hooked up with GM this month I can't be with MD until February. I know it sounds dumb, but a rule's a rule. In a couple of weeks I'll reevaluate to see which one I really want to be with.

The other reason I don't want to hook up with both of them is because of a new development - sex feels intimate and special to me again for the first time since PJ.

For the past decade all I've experienced were one night stands and friends with benefits, not someone I consistently slept with for months. Tat came close and while we had intimacy, we didn't have sex that often for a huge reason. Being with MD and only MD since September renewed this feeling again. I know this is probably why I'm falling in love with him...

Patti Stanger seems to have it right. Sex can complicate things and at this point, I have enough to get sorted without it. I want to be with MD, but he's not available. I like The Gentleman, but I'm not sure if I'm truly available because of my feelings for MD. Plus, I have enough on my mind with money and my job.

Right now I want things to be simple, light-hearted, and fun. There was a point in my life where this would include sex, but that's all changed now. I'm glad.


*FMI: For my information, when I reread this one day.

It was great!

I am soooo tired. I had insomnia last night and am pretty sure I finally fell asleep around 5am. Ouch! I used to get mad and cry when I couldn't sleep back in the day. Now I know it's just what I do when I'm excited, so I guess it's a good sign!

Before I pass out at 7:30pm, I just wanted to say my first day was great. Nerd great. It was me and five other dorks sitting in a training room looking at data, writing queries, and updating conversion maps. I am so happy I decided to make this my full-time gig rather than settle for part-time side projects my bosses don't/won't/can't understand.

I'll write more this week of course. Right now I need my bed!

I do want to say a quick thanks to Furbie and Tron, my ex-work husbands. Furbie taught me how to use Access, write SQL, kept me as sane as he could when I was at Company, and convinced me I should take this gig. Tron has been my own personal cheerleader since we met last summer. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have met the recruiter who got me this job, nor would I have the confidence to go for it. Thanks guys. I owe yas big time!

Wish me luck, monkeys!

Tomorrow's the big first day at Biz! I'm nerv-cited!! GAH! I have no idea what I'm in store for, so I keep calling it an adventure.

No matter what happens I am so incredibly grateful I have the chance to try something new and was able to leave Minnow. I'm already starting to forget I even worked there once. Friday was ten years ago.

The Gentleman sent me a very nice text wishing me good luck tomorrow. I expected it, which shows how thoughtful and reliable he already is only two weeks in.

I did NOT expect MD to do the same. I hoped he would, but I hoped he'd do a lot of things. I was so shocked and happy that I cried, naturally.

This is such a lovely week! The Jets and Steelers are in the playoffs, I've gotten some positive attention from two nice guys (one vocal, the other mute although he seems to be coming out of his shell), Biz, dinner with the Company girls tomorrow, dinner with college friends Wednesday, and pokher Friday. Life is good!!

Thanks Bacon!

Bakes just texted me this quote: "An ending doesn't have to be sad. It's the only way to begin something new."

I like it.

Want

If you haven't noticed, I am a bit of a tomboy. A tomboy who cries a lot. The stereotypical girly things like make-up, fashion, and Hollywood are not my bag, although I do want to make an effort to be more feminine this year.

Well, this may be the girliest post of all time.

I really want these two dresses. Gorgeous!

You will find true love on Flag Day

I hung out with MD this weekend. I wrote a post about him when I was drunk at 2:30am this morning, then deleted it when I woke up. I rarely delete posts, but I was embarrassed and uncomfortable with what I wrote.

What did I write? I think I'm in love with him.

(The audience groans.)

Believe me. I do NOT want this to be the case. I know he doesn't love me back. It hurts.

We watched the Steelers game yesterday, the Jets game today, and True Grit this evening. Bakes and Juniper were with us, so it wasn't datey or anything. We did hold hands through the movie, though. I melted.

He kissed me last night at the bar and I made myself leave right after. It was so hard to walk away, but I know I won't get over him if we keep hooking up.

I was upset last night and this morning for a bit, but I'm okay now. I want to try to be friends. I care about him too much to cut him out completely.

Sigh. Is it Flag Day yet?

If he only knew.

Fanboy IMed me this the other day:

"you know of all the girls I met on the internet, you def rank highest in the smarts and most mentally together categories"

If he only knew.

In related news, I hate "def" unless you're texting on an ancient blue phone like mine. I hate "definately" more though!

DE-FINITE PEOPLE!

Please sleep!

I'm cracked out wide awake overtired.

I went over to The Gentleman's apartment last night for the first time. He lives with his cousin and brother, which is a little strange because most of the guys I've dated live alone. It's been so long since I had a roommate that I forgot how bittersweet it is: cheaper rent and a constant party vs. chore fights and a constant party.

We probably fell asleep around 2:30am. I sort of fake slept though as his roomies partied in the living room until 6am. They are very cool and entertaining, so it wasn't annoying or anything. I was just bummed that I couldn't sleep. My goal this weekend is to rest, watch football, and go shopping for new work clothes. Unfortunately now I'm too tired to go shopping before the 4pm game, but too awake to nap. Blerg. My revised plan for today is laundry, cleaning, bills, games, bed by 11pm. Score.

I was telling my friend Brawny about how nice The Gentleman is, the latest example being how he emailed me yesterday to say "I hope you have a great last day at work!" So sweet. Brawny's reply: "He sounds great and all, but that's how it should be."

Tat and The Gentleman went/go out of their way to make me feel special. They are communicative, generous, polite, romantic, and all around nice guys. I've dated so many pesky pandas in between that I forgot these basic qualities should be the norm, not a rarity. I realize now if a guy truly does care about me, he shows it. End of story.

The Gentleman tells me I'm beautiful, says he likes hanging out with me, and is quick to make plans for next time. He invited me over last night because he's going skiing for a week and wanted to see me before he left. When I was getting ready to leave this morning he gave me a big hug and said, "I'll definitely talk to you before Tuesday, but good luck at your new job. You will be great."

He is saying and doing everything I wished MD did. This amazes me in The Secret sort of way.

Now the bad news. I'm not sure if The Gentleman and I are a good fit. It saddens me to say this, but there is one thing that's off. The Gentleman hasn't made me laugh yet. I don't recall him even trying to make a funny. This is bothersome as all I am are one-liners and poop jokes. The right guy for me will not only support my schtick, but join it. Hell, maybe even make me funnier (if that's possible, fa!). I'm definitely not ready to throw in the towel yet, but it is something I'm concerned about. There is a dumb Match.com commercial with some girl on a horse talking about how she wants to find "a goof for her ball." I hate that I like that line, but that's how I feel.

Universe, you've been listening loud and clear lately so here is an updated list for my blurple balloon: open, honest, communicative, kind, thoughtful, generous, polite, trustworthy, funny, smart, positive, charming, successful, sexy, direct, strong, ginger, freckly...

I could go on for days, but I'm finally ready to take a nap.

Thanks Bears!

My Bear Family friends sent me the cutest gift, a huge fortune cookie with this written inside:

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart. - Confucius. We are so proud of you for not being afraid to try something new and know you'll find success in whatever you do."

I cried. THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS! It was completely unexpected, totally appreciated, and as big as my head. Heh.

Drunk in 2011

This is the first time I'm drunk in 2011. Technically I went to bed at 4:30am on January 1st, but whatever. Since then I had a stomach flu/intestinal virus/ulcer/smackdown so this is my first enjoyable buzz all year.

Tonight was my going away party from Minnow. What can I say other than I like the people I like and I hate the people I hate. The latter won't matter (rhyme!) and the former I'll see regularly anyway.

Biz is the fifth company and seventh position I've had in ten years. I should be a champ at leaving/transitioning by now. It's different this time around, though. I don't know if it's an age thing or what, but I don't actually feel like I have a new job yet. I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I was sick last week. Everything's been a bit surreal...

Am I typing right now? Is this making sense? Goddamn, I love my Guinness. Please don't take it away!!

PS I like The Gentleman. I wasn't sure if I did, but I do now. Yay!

Idahold Me

Someone left a floater the size and shape of a potato in my second favorite work toilet today. I stared at it in awe. It was science and magic combined.

Who was this chick? Are we friends? If not, why? Is she Irish? What did she eat? Did it hurt? Did she know? She had to have known. You can't drop a deuce like that without flinching. We have automatic flushers, but why didn't she check to make sure it went down? I always check. Was she showing it off? Was it my going away present? Did she have a lot on her mind? How could she think about anything else? It's all I can think about...

Forget it. I don't want to know. I'm leaving Minnow in two days. It...we...we can never be...

She's the one who got away.

The end of an era.

I made this my Facebook status today...

Dear Publishing career,

Thank you for Summer Fridays, a zillion free books I will never read, my time at Company, hangover-friendly workloads, and all of my amazing friends. It was one hell of a decade!

Love, Me

...and got this response:

Dear Thighs,

We will miss crushing your spirit and making you run around in circles, chasing your own tail. We're very disappointed that you've finally found a job in which you may actually realize your potential. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Signed --

Publishing

Thanks for the laugh, Furbie!! It's funny because it's true.

Soooo...

I sort of thought The Gentleman might be um, too gentlemanly and tame in the hooking up department.

I was wrong.

Very, very wrong.

YAY!

Slow Your Roll!

I woke up this morning and thought, "I'M NOT SICK! WOO HOO!" I felt like my normally abnormal self.

Today was a good day. I was pretty busy at work trying to catch up from the two days I was out, plus writing up all of my process documentation. Of course my bosses haven't given any thought to an exit plan. This means that everything I do today will basically not be done tomorrow. I love contributing to nothing.

I made it the whole day with only some minor fatigue, but other than that I felt fine. Now I'm home having a bit of a panic attack, probably because I've been too sick to freak out over all the change coming my way. Actually I think that's why I was able to make it through the worst of my flu/bug/virus whatever last week. The excitement and adrenaline of making my decision, giving my notice, and meeting The Gentleman kept me on autopilot until my body said, "You're sick, asshole." and knocked me out.

My heart is racing and I feel a poo coming. Maybe I should exercise instead of type.

Afternoon Update

Coffee was dumb. My stomach is fine, but now I'm caffeineurotic. I need to leave my apartment before I gnaw on it.

Sushi date with The Gentleman is Tuesday. Yay!

I just read my offer letter again. It is lovely. Somehow I managed to overlook that my new title is Financial Systems Consultant. FANCY!

I am saddened by the Giants fucking blowing it this year, but I am psyched the Jets are in the playoffs!! It's nice to have two teams to cheer for, except when they both lose. I considered resurrecting the Boobie Bowl this year, but I think those days are over. The bad thing about always starting new jobs in the first quarter of the year is that I can't take off the day after the superbowl. Ah shit. Or St. Patty's Day. Damn. If I ever start my own company, those days are paid holidays FO' SURE.

Bed-Hopping Floosie

I've been in my apartment for almost 72 hours straight, jumping from my sofa-bed to watch television during the day to my bed-bed for sleeping at night. I am bored. I'm never bored and I am really friggin bored.

Bored looks funny the more you stare at it: bored bored bored bored bored bored bored. Am I spelling it right?

I feel much better now, although my stomach is still gurgling a lot. Stupid fucking flu or whatever it is. Maybe it's hunger gurgles. I haven't really been eating. I totally lost weight this week. Yay me!

I'm about to go for a walk and get some coffee. I hope the coffee doesn't hurt. Maybe it will be the extra push to get this shit out. Literally. Heh.

Today's the first day I didn't wake up all red in quite a while. Maybe the rash is related to being sick? This better be the last time I'm sick all fucking year. I'll kill a bitch if it isn't!!

Ugh. I got nothing new to say. I watched Kick-Ass again and Hit Girl is still one of my favorite characters of all time. I also watched The Wedding Planner and it is still one of the shittiest movies of all time. A few years ago I was waiting for friends at McSorley's (I can't remember who) and I chatted up the guy next to me. His name was Matt. Really cute and gruffy, but too petite for me. Anyways, he and his friend ended up joining my group at a table. Later on I said to him, "You know, you really do look like Matthew McConaughey." He and his friend laughed so hard that it still makes me wonder if it actually was him. Whoops! I believe this was pre-bongo and shirt always off M.M., so sue me.

Speaking of Matts, MD texted me with the usual Friday "What r u doing tonight?" at a time early enough to not be considered a standard booty call, but late enough to remind me he doesn't want a relationship. Blerg.

The Gentleman emailed and texted me a couple of times to see how I was feeling. So sweet! We said we'd go out for sushi once I feel better and I'm thinking I can rally to do that tonight. The restaurant is right down the block from Delilah, so I should be able to handle it. Might need to avoid the wasabi though. Ha! I typed "wasabbit" on accident first.

I can't believe this is my last week at Minnow! Tennis asked that I document all of my processes before I leave. I pretty much have everything documented already. What can I say? I love to write even when it's nerdy stuff. I hope I feel well enough this week to enjoy my friends' company, get everything I want to get done, and have fun at my going away party on Thursday. Oh yeah, if anyone wants to come and meet these fools, shoot me and email!

I love therapy.

I really, really do. However, I love this commercial too.

Asshat

I just realized I've been writing "balling" instead of "bawling" all of these years. I know my grammar ain't great, but I hate when I misspell, even when I'm making up words.

I blame my accent.


Question.


Do I have an accent?

Oh and...

I also have rosacea. I thought so. I'm more red and splotchy than usual lately. My mutant skin has turned into perma-drunk skin.

Speaking of drinking, I believe I am allergic to yeast. I've noticed for a couple of months now I can't drink the high alcohol content beers I love. I started New Year's Eve off with a Dogfish Head and I couldn't even finish it. The Donkey Down was my last craft beer day.

The only beer I've been able to handle is Guinness, which is totally fine by me. I've always been a Guinness girl. I checked online and it looks like there isn't much yeast in it since it's a low ABV beer. Phew! While I just wrote I need to live a healthier lifestyle, I am not quite ready to become an O'Doul's girl yet.

When it counts.

After such a lovely date with The Gentleman, I thought I'd have a lovely morning gushing about him. Yeah...not so much.

My stomach was really fucked this weekend and all day Monday. I wasn't in pain, though. My whole abdomen was sore when I moved and to the touch and I was very lightheaded. Tuesday and Wednesday I felt a lot better, although I was struggling to keep my focus at times. It feels like I'm in a fog and the lights can go out any second. I also haven't been hungry at all, which for my 180 pound ass is a definite issue. My steak dinner last night went half uneaten. Blasphemy!

This morning I woke up and felt extra out of it. My stomach was okay, but I was super nauseous and spaced out. I figured it would pass, so I made myself go to work. Plus, as a single person with no roommates, sometimes I'd rather the shit hit the fan in public instead of passing out alone in my apartment.

Well pass out I almost did. The subway ride made me ten times more nauseous and woozy. All I kept thinking is "Just get to work. Just get to work." Breen and Ceej knew I haven't been feeling well, so at least they could explain my symptoms to a doctor should I keel over on my desk.

When I finally got to my office I started bawling. I knew I had to go to the hospital and I was so incredibly embarrassed about it. I know it's silly, but I feel like I'm ALWAYS at the doctor between implants bursting and panic attacks and thyroid stuff, so for me to go back AGAIN was too much. I'm fucking 32 not 82! Damn it Ruth Clare!

Rockstar works at Minnow so I called her, since a) she's one of my best friends and b) she used to have Crohn's really bad and would know what hospital to go to. Without hesitation she got me in cab and off we went to St. Luke's Roosevelt. I was admitted and sort of diagnosed with a virus, possibly an intestinal flu.

FLU!?!?! The fucking flu! I seriously thought I had a bleeding ulcer or something. Thank god I don't, but the flu?!?! I started crying again because I felt even more embarrassed than before. I didn't think I was a pussy, but I guess I am!

It gets better. I had called my parents when I was still at work. Unbeknownst to me, my dad hopped on the first train from NJ and came to the hospital. I started crying AGAIN, this time because I am fortunate.

I don't know if they consistently read this and my dad doesn't at all (please God), but I am so thankful to have such good friends and family. People who will be there when it counts. I've been happily crying all day about it because I realized that I am so blessed to have a phone full of people who would drop anything if I needed them. Ceej and Breen helped calm me down at the office and validated that I should go to the hospital. Rocks sat with me for two hours in the ER. My dad not only travelled from New Brunswick to Manhattan, but also got me in a cab home to Queens, went out to get me ginger ale and crackers, took mass transit back to New Brunswick, and then drove the hour home to Jackson. I feel lucky and guilty at the same time.

The reason I wrote "sort of diagnosed" is the doctor explained there isn't a real diagnosis or treatment for viral infections. I have to let it run its course. I still think it was triggered by a food allergy or a digestive issue, but what do I know.

Actually I do know some things. I know I binge drink, eat poorly, don't exercise, and overstress. I wasn't planning on making any resolutions this year because I never keep them, but after this awful week it's pretty obvious what I have to do. I have to live a healthier lifestyle.

I thought the timing really sucked with the new gig and The Gentleman, but then I remembered I don't believe in timing. If I did, I'd have to say it's perfect. I might have spent my last week at Minnow going out for drinks every night, eating pub grub, and staying out late, slowly making myself sick for my first week at...shit what should I call this new place? I'll call it Biz. I really have no idea what I'm in store for at Biz, so I need to bring my A+ game right off the bat. Not that I wouldn't anyway, but I think I'm going right to a client's office my first day. I definitely want to feel better by then!

So that was my day. Shit always be interesting in these parts!

Courted! Me!

I still haven't picked out a nickname yet! Unfortunately he has the same first name as Tennis (which is not Tennis), so I've been shortening it to D. I don't like it though! Bah!

HE is so sweet. I have never been courted like this before. Not only did we talk for about an hour on Monday, but we also hung out at the bar with some friends last night and he took me out to dinner tonight. Dinner lasted four hours, even though we finished eating probably around hour two. I had no idea that much time passed.

Cutest thing ever, he texted me saying "I'll meet you there at 7pm." I assumed this meant the restaurant, but no, he actually came to my apartment to pick me up on the way. I was already at the restaurant though, so it was an adorable miscommunication. When he got there a few minutes later the conversation flowed, eyes twinkled, and I made him laugh a couple times (I love making well, anyone laugh but especially a new fella). He paid, walked me home, and the night ending with a nice, polite PG kiss. He's easily the most gentlemanly guy I have dated since Tat.

Eureka! Nickname = The Gentleman.

The Gentleman and I will probably hang out again on Friday, too. In a word, you know what this is? EASY! It's so friggin easy! I like him, he likes me, and we hang out. The end.

Jesus Christ every guy I dated last year was difficult. Me, them, the situation. It sucked!

The Gentleman is seriously blowing MD out of the water. He's shown more effort in the four days I've known him than MD did in the four months we did whatever the fuck it was we were doing. Oh. Right. Drinking, watching football, and having sex. Really good sex, but shit. I can have really good sex by myself, too.

The truth is MD didn't like me the way I want to be like. The Gentleman does. And it feels really, really good!

Funny thing, so Fanboy and I have stayed in touch through Facebook. He asked if he could call me yesterday to get my take on some dating experiences he's had since our date. I said, sure why not. Good dating charity is good dating karma. WELL, Fanboy starts off by thanking me for calling him to say I'm not interested. He said it sucked at the time, but he really appreciated my honesty and consideration. That made me feel good. Then he went on to tell me about the girl he's been seeing. Phrases like "she just got out of a relationship", "she didn't call me back for days", and "there are so many mixed signals" came out of the phone like word balloons. That made me feel bad. He was describing my relationship with MD and you know what, it sounded pathetic. PATHETIC! If I ever, ever kill myself over someone who isn't interested again please punch me in the facenuts!!

Anyways I'm enjoying The Gentleman's company. I don't know what's going to happen, but all I do know is he's cute, kind, communicative, and interested. I'm sold.

Yay!

55 minutes!

Yay first phone call! We might hang out tomorrow, but if I'm not feeling well (I better!) we'll try again for later this week.

It's funny, I don't feel a nickname for him yet...

2011, Holy Shit

Drumroll please...

I accepted the consulting gig! Hooray!! Thanks to everyone who listened to my concerns and gave me such good advice.  An extra big thanks to Furbie, who helped me make my final decision yesterday.  I was on the fence all weekend and he made me climb it.  Or jump off it?  Whatever.   Let's hope I don't rip my jeans on the way down.

A gave my notice to Minnow this morning.  It wasn't as fun as I imagined it would be only because I got some weird stomach bug/possible reaction to a food allergy at Juniper's party Saturday night.  IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.  I ate a lot when I got there - chocolate cupcake, pizza, hummus with chips, a few sips of espresso vodka, and a Sierra Nevada - and WHAM.  I got hot flashes, the sweats, lightheaded, and I couldn't eat or drink anything except water the rest of the night.  It SUCKED.  Yesterday I laid on my sofabed all day moaning and whining.  It feels like a combination of getting punched in the gut and puking too much even though I didn't puke.  Oh and I lost my voice again.

It's probably better off I didn't feel well today because it stopped me from beaming when I told Tennis and Nun I was leaving.  Nun offered to counter. I declined.  I would have stayed if they were able to create the position I've always wanted there and matched my salary increase, but that wasn't happening any time soon.  My last day is Friday the 14th.  My three year anniversary would have been February 4th.  I can't believe I still haven't stayed somewhere three years yet!*

In other news, despite feeling like shit at Juniper's I met a guy!  He walked in and we both looked at each other and kind of did a double-take. At least it seemed like he did! Anyways we talked for a while. He's a big sports fan and get this, has seen sixteen ballparks. He's cute, too!! I'm in Like.

We traded phone numbers and I totally wanted to call him yesterday, but since my voice is shot I put it off. I'm glad I did. He called me while I was on the train home from work tonight. HE called ME! Do you know how fucking refreshing it is to not feel like I have to steer or get a stupid text from a pussy guy who is too afraid to call? WOO HOO!! Fingers crossed we hang out this week!

I must say 2011 is starting out awesome. New Year's at Crazy Ass was a blast. Saturday I met someone. Today I left Minnow. I can't wait to find out what tomorrow will bring! At the very least I hope I feel better!


*Yes I can.

Cute, right?

This is how my mom signs emails:

Love ya,

Mom(my)

She's really growing on me.

Happy New Year!

I spoke to the recruiter who got me the consulting gig. She said I'm nitpicking about the insurance because I'm scared. Noooo...I just want the facts, lady. She can't tell me if I'm going to enjoy this job, if it's going to suck working from home, or if my personal life is going to suffer being on call or traveling to clients. She can't tell me if I'm going to regret taking this position in six months. All she can do is get the damn insurance coverage and costs for me. So do it!

Oy. This is quite a decision. I'm going to forget about it and turn my brain off for the next 24 hours, so that I can enjoy the last day of 2010. To be continued!

Happy New Year, monkeys!

I got the job!

I was offered the consulting gig! WOO HOO!

Now, decisions. Racing thoughts:

It's a 25% increase in salary, plus a 5-10% bonus at year-end.

I still don't know the exact cost of my insurance, the details of the policy, etc.

I'd have to pay for my Metrocard out of pocket instead of through the pre-tax program I'm enrolled in now. That's an extra $104 a month, but if I'm working from home most of the time I might not need an unlimited 30-day pass anymore.

Will I have time for a social life?

Will I have time for a dating life?

OH MY GOD. Giving my two week notice at Minnow on Monday WOULD BE AMAZING.

Where would I go for my first project?

I have to buy nice work clothes. I hate having to buy new clothes when I gained holiday weight because I know I'll lose it in a couple of weeks. Damn.

Am I up for a challenge?

SHIT. This is so awesome. I'm so proud I was offered the gig!! It's nice to know I'm marketable! YAAAYYY ME!!

Stegosaurus Church

Obviously it's not exact. It would be cooler if it was.

Merry Christmas!

Duh. I jumped right into my year in review post without mentioning Christmas!

Last Wednesday I was sick. I was feeling a lot better by the time Rippie got here Thursday morning. Our tradition for the past four years has been to spend a day in Manhattan before heading to my parents' house. Unfortunately this was a rough year for him so he was really looking forward to going straight to NJ Thursday afternoon. I was not happy about it. He and I have very different views on Jackson. For him, it's home. For me, it's shit. I never liked it there and can't wait for my parents to move back to NY in a couple of years.

I begrudgingly went with him a day early. I'm glad I did. We took the train to New Brunswick to meet my dad, then later on that night we went out to a bar called Surf Taco with a bunch of his home fries. Surprisingly the place had a nice beer selection: Stone, Troegs, Rogue. Even more surprising - I did not eat any tacos. We ended the night with Wawa subs at 2am instead. Wawa is one of the few things I miss about NJ, the other two being Seaside and malls for one stop shopping. Is that really it? Hmmm...yep. I had fun.

The next day I went shopping for presents (totally procrastinated this year), then gorged at the house until it was time for Midnight Mass to hear my dad sing in the choir. It means a lot to him that we go. I wish it meant more to me.

I like this church because it reminds me of a stegosaurus. I don't like it for three reasons. One, religious people scare me. Two, the statue of Jesus hanging up front is disturbing. He looks like he was barbecued too long. Three, I always see people from high school. This was the first year I saw an ex-best friend though. Not "ex" in a bad way, we just grew apart after junior year. She lives with another ex-best friend that I haven't seen in about geez, eight years maybe? I was invited to come hang out at their place that night, but I politely declined. Maybe I'd hang out with them if they came up to the city or something, but I have no interest in hanging out in Jackson. I don't mean it to be snobby, I just don't feel like myself when I go there. NYC is my home now.

On Christmas Day I stayed in pajamas and didn't move from the couch, except to play my dad's drums and eat dinner in the dining room. My parents were uber generous this year. My mom kept saying it's because next year they won't be able to splurge now that she retired. Whatever the reason, it was super nice and unexpected. In fact, the whole weekend was great. I laughed more than I have with them in a while. The stress and drama of my boob surgery the past four months made me forget that my folks are pretty cool and silly. For example, my mom wanted to take a picture of my dad's asscrack, which is funny enough. It was extra funny when she held the camera backwards and only realized it when she tried to focus and ended up zooming the lens into her eye. I laughed for a good ten minutes partly because it was hysterical, but mostly because we're both really smart dumb blondes.

The only hiccup was when my dad and I were watching Love Actually and the DVD shut off. It probably only took five minutes for my dad to fix it, but my impatience kicked in and I almost murdered him. I don't know what happened! All of a sudden the flames rose up in my face, my Irish blood boiled and I almost flipped my shit. I may have learned reactive rage from my mom, but this time it was all me. Luckily I kept my cool (?) by doing lamaze. I don't even think my dad noticed. PHEW. And more importantly, my mom didn't notice either. If she did she would have fed and it would have been ugly. DOUBLE PHEW.

But again it was a great weekend! My dad was nice enough to drive me home early Sunday morning before the snow storm. Man, did we get hit. NY1 said Astoria got 17 inches (heh), but it looks like we got a lot more. I stayed in until I went to the gym Monday afternoon (yay!). I love the city after it snows, especially before a lot of people are out. Then the streets turn into filthy crumb cakes.

What else....the office is empty this week. I get out at 3pm tomorrow and we're closed Friday. Two and a third day work week! Yay!

I'm 98% over MD. We hung out last Sunday and texted a few times last week. I know I'm nearing the end because this is the first time in four months I want to date other guys. Seriously, I have not been interested in anyone else but him. I'm ready now. The lingering 2% is his fault. He made a comment that he might come back from Pittsburgh three days earlier, so that he can come to Crazy Ass on New Year's Eve. Now, he didn't actually say "so we can be together on New Year's Eve" but the seed was planted. As over him as I believe I am (I am, Juniper!), I'm interested to see if he shows. Of course now with flights being fucked he probably can't change his, but whatever. I almost rather he doesn't come back earlier. I don't want to take any of my 2010 baggage into 2011 goddamn it. Plus who knows, maybe I'll end up kissing someone new at midnight.

Someone not new - I saw Donovan at the Company Christmas party a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I have to write about him since he's the reason I started Thighs. I don't really have anything to say about it, except I'm still ridiculously attracted to him. Sweat was pouring out of my head the minute I said hi to him. It was kind of gross actually. Hmmm, it could have been food sweats though. I did eat a ton that day. Whatevs. He's still hot. The end.

2010 Profile Pic

2010 Awesomeness

I'm three days early, so chances are I'll be writing a couple of 2010 year in review posts this week. To start...

2010 Awesomeness:

1. Finding out I no longer needed an implant, getting it removed, and still looking even. NATURAL, BITCHES!

2. Ran the 10K

3. Continued to track all of my spending habits down to the penny

4. Continued to live within my means! Fuck you, credit!

5. Bacon and I kicked the shit out of Astoria with multiple pub crawls

6. All of our quote book entries on said pub crawls

7. Juniper moved to Astoria making it my Town of Besties

8. Pints of Guinness at Doll's and the amazing friends I get to drink them with

9. Rolo introducing me to Stevie and Hugs (HOW CUTE!)

10. Crazy Ass, my new favorite bar where I met MD and a bunch of other new neighborhood friends

11. Trip to LA and San Diego to visit my brother and the Faces, four people I miss very much

12. Visits with The Bear family and Janey Pants, four more people I miss very much

13. Stone Brewery. Nuff said.

14. All of the new beers I tried this year, including Founders and Rogue's John John Juniper

15. The beer tasting parties

16. Tat, Banana, random guy on St. Patty's Day, Good Will Hunting, Mr. J, Mick, Pool, and MD. Half of these guys made me feel good about myself, the rest not so much. Either way, I am proud to say I was out there trying to find my lobster. Also, I believe this is the first time I can count all of the people I made out with in one year on only two hands.

17. I only had sex with two people this year, too. I'm practically a virgin!

18. Trip to Pittsburgh for my 17th ballpark. And Shartles and Linglestown for hours of entertainment.

19. My Tretorn sneakers. They may be fucking up my knees, but I love them. Here's a small pic of the hightops. I have the low ones:
20. As much as it hurt, I have to say the Donkey Down was pretty epic. I just got this text from Bucket who did not know I partook in such idiocy: "Just noticed your picture in Crazy Ass." Kind of cool in a teenage alcoholic way. Never again.

21. My 9/11 Post or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Stove

22. Holy shit, I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner... TACOQUEST!! I love tacos!

23. Greek yogurt. I had no idea it was so good.

24. Started watching It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, True Blood, Dexter, and How I Met Your Mother.

25. Finally watched Ken Burns: Baseball. I never did get around to writing a post about it, huh? Oh well. It was amazing. All baseball fans should watch it. I wasn't as impressed with The Tenth Inning though, probably because I lived it and it was depressing with all the steroids and bullshit.

26. Stopped biting my nails and they look so pretty!

27. No more cable!

28. Went to a Giants game for the first time in about 22 years. (When did I get old?)

29. Learned the word "lachrymose" and frequently use it to describe myself. (Thanks Hugs!) –adjective: given to shedding tears readily; tearful.

30. Joined the gym again. I haven't gone regularly yet, but I am going!

31. Gchat IMs with Bacon and Juniper. I wish I saved them because I know a few saved me. Thanks ladies.

32. Pokher night! Finally after 10 years of planning!

33. My Minnow friends. Tron, Breen, Ceej, and Bella are the only reason I haven't shot myself yet. Well, them and the fact I don't want to die.

34. THIGHS! Oh blog, I love you so! I'm very glad I got back into writing again. I missed it.

Okay, I'm going to stop here because I'm thinking about it now. All of the above came out organically. TWSS.

For the past couple of weeks I've been bitching that I just want this year to be fucking over. I gotta tell you, making a list like this has helped...

35. Paddy the bartender at Crazy Ass. SO HOT AND SO AWESOME.

me put this year in perspective. It wasn't a horrible year. Sure, shit happened. I cried A LOT, but of course I cried. Sometimes I forget I have depression, which you know what, is number 36.

36. This is the first full year in four years that I have not been on anti-depressants or in therapy. I probably needed both at times, but I made it through, thanks to you my supportive and patient friends.

I joked that 2010 was the Year of the Taco, Donkey, Beer, and Boob. I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to (Sexy, Simba, Something), but who cares. I had enough going on. In fact, a better name for 2010 is The Year of the Purge. I emotionally and tearductedly (manujaggered!) purged a lot of shit the past twelve months. Did I plan for ANY of what happened this year to happen? Nope. Is my life exactly how I want it to be now? Nope. Am I better off than I was in January? YEP.

That to me is a good year of lifing then. I'm ending it better than I was at the beginning.

2010, you definitely were a little minx.

I friended him.

What's the worst that can happen? Most of my status updates are about beer, tacos, and sports. My parents already know I drink too much. Now they'll just think I'm a lesbian, too.

Uh oh.

My dad has made it to Facebook. I don't know what to do.

Just when...

I decided to be happier and laugh more, a funny thing happened.

I was lying in bed about twenty minutes ago when I heard something crash. I thought it was the metal weight that keeps the roof door closed, so I jumped up to go fix it. As I was standing in my living room putting on my sneakers, I heard someone trying to open my own door. Thoughts flew:

Did my super make an extra copy of my key and is now trying to break in thinking I'm not home? Did my brother somehow make it back to NYC all the way from Jackson through the snow? Did I give MD a set of keys in a drunken stupor and he came here to profess his love for all of eternity?

I ripped open my door and saw 3A, one of my really nice neighbors that live right below me. He thought he was at his door. D'oh!

He apologized and said, "Oh wow, I've never seen another apartment here. Did you paint your living room?" (It's a skyish blue with blue-green trim.) I invited him in and we banged in the hallway.

Just kidding. I invited him in and it turns out he's a comic fan, so we talked shop while he looked through my trades. I felt a little dumb since my living room was a mess and I was wearing Tat's oversized pajama pants, but whatever. He took the first two Sandman trades and went back home. I ran up to the roof and it turns out the door wasn't open.

Now that I wrote this I guess it's not the best story in the world. I just thought it was perfect timing considering I want to be more lighthearted and fun. Why is this? I'm sick of taking shit so seriously. WHY SO SERIOUS?

I was in the worst mood this morning for no reason. Well, that's not true. I have plenty of reasons for being negative, but I have plenty of reasons to be positive too. I choose to be negative because that's all I know. Boy stuff, work stuff, health stuff - I let all of this shit get to me. I hate this about myself, which is a negative statement in itself. I hate being a certain way, I hate that I hate being a certain way, and so on. I don't really know how to stop this, so I'm just going to. Sometimes thinking the shit out of things doesn't get me anywhere, so I'm not going to think about things anymore. Just fucking do them.

I'm just going to be fucking positive.

I need answers

My scratchy throat turned into a cough, cold, and possible ear infection, so I stayed home today. I guess I should have forced myself to go in since I already planned to take off tomorrow and Minnow is closed Friday and Monday, but whatevs. Six day weekend, WOOT!

This morning I got up around 9am, watched Toy Story 3 (kind of intense, right?), napped, watched another four hours of random television, and here I am now. I have some questions that need to be answered:

1. What are Wendy Williams measurements?

2. When did Maury just say fuck it and only cover paternity tests?

3. How many people really get cars as Christmas presents?

4. Why can't we leave Lindsay Lohan alone? She's only 24 for crying out loud!

5. Why is the media harping on Spider-Man the musical? Don't they have anything else to focus on? And for fuck's sake, he has a hyphen.

6. Why do people like Dancing with the Stars?

7. Do TBS and My9 know they both air King of Queens at 6:30pm? Seems dumb. So is the show.

8. Why did people watch Everyone Loves Raymond? That show fucking sucks! They are all mean and horrible to each other. If you take out the laughtrack it will have a whole new meaning, ala Garfield minus Garfield.

9. Why is that Regis and Kelly girl doing crappy A&P/Waldbaum commercials?

10. WHEN WILL TED MEET THEIR MOTHER?? Aaarrgghh!

Okay, the only questions I really care about are 1 and 10. I have to keep waiting on 10, but here is what I found online about Wendy: 5/11, either 40DD or 40FF (I'm thinking FF), 40-30-40.

Now I can sleep.

The towels are kinda scratchy.

I rarely think my weekends go by too fast. They usually go by with too much beer or too little sleep, but not too fast.

Except this weekend. Friday I stayed in. Saturday I went to the annual Company holiday party at DaQ's gorgeous home. I love that I still get invited every year!! Afterwards I headed over to Bella's for holiday party number two. Did you know there's a port called Cockburn's? I totally bought a bottle because I am a 14 year old boy. "Cockburn, anyone?"

I was home by 11pm that night, but I didn't sleep too well again. Lefty bothered me a little, but she's doing much better now. Thank you Icy Hot, Advil, and shelf bras!! I have a bit of a cough and a scratchy throat (I keep hearing this Verizon commercial in my head), so I kept getting up for some water. Thanks for coming into work when you were sick, Tennis! Also, my damn radiators were really loud and the one in my bedroom started leaking. I could hear the water boiling on top of the valve. My super fixed them while I was at work today and I gotta tell you, it's eerily quiet in my apartment now. I guess the clanking and hissing were my noisy winter roommates. Luckily my gassy ass is filling some of the silence.

Yesterday I went to the bar with a couple of my guy friends to watch the Giants game. I had a great time hanging with them, but holy fuck did that game suck. (Rhyme!) It was probably the most devastating loss I've ever witnessed. Up by 21 points with 8 minutes left and they fucking blew it. I love March for three reasons: my birthday, St. Patty's Day, and it's the one month out of the year the Giants, Jets, and Mets can't disappoint me. Fucking brutal.

The Jets thankfully had a big win to counter the Giants big loss. They played the Steelers, MD's favorite team. I texted him some smack talk earlier in the day and the texts kept going until we met up at Crazy Ass around 6pm. I'm officially over him. Sure I slept with him and all, but whatever. I had a nice time and he's still the best kisser to date. Sue me. Oddly enough, I'm almost sad that I don't like him any more. Disconnection can be a bit somber, even when it's for a positive reason...

Tonight I realized I've spent most of my life feeling unloved, insecure, and less than. It started with my mom, then went to guys and bosses as I got older. I don't feel like I measure up.

Well this ends now. From here on out I'm going to make myself feel loved, secure, and special. I'm also going to surround myself with people who encourage these feelings. MD isn't a bad guy, but he didn't go out of his way to make me feel good. For the first time in my life, I know I'm going to find someone who will.

Thoughts?

My second interviews for both the consulting gig and internal job were today. I could really use some feedback so please share your thoughts on the following.

The consulting gig is a huge opportunity for me. It's such a small company that I can make my position whatever I want it to be. I could do everything from meeting with clients for requirements gathering to data map conversions to test script writing to who knows what else. While the company currently specializes in legal accounting system implementations, the experience could really open doors for me to become a project manager in any industry. Concerns:

1. This is a big lifestyle change. I wouldn't be a nine-to-fiver any more. I'd either be working from home, at a client's office, or on the road all hours of the day, even weekends. For the past 10 years, my company's quitting time was my life's starting time. What will it be like to not have an official end of day?

I know I always write about my social life, but that's only half of who I am. I love my alone time, too. I stayed in every night this week and I couldn't be happier. (Poker was cancelled tonight by the way.) I vegged out, watched a movie (Expendables wasn't as good as I wanted it to be), talked to myself for hours (I never stop talking), meditated, shaved my legs (it's a chore), went through my junk drawer, etc. My point is the best part about being a SINK (single individual no kids - did I make this up?) is that I own my time. It could very well be that working from home makes me own even MORE of my time, meaning I set when I want to get up and work, or it doesn't at all.

And of course, the social half of me needs room to breathe as well. And I'm not just talking about going to bars either. In NYC you're surrounded by people all of the time whether you acknowledge them or not. I easily see at least 500 people on my way to work, at work, and on my way home without even looking. Would I go crazy sitting in my apartment all day? Should I commute into Manhattan to sit at Starbucks instead?

2. I could potentially be making $20K more than I am right now. FUCK YEAH. The only problem is that the health insurance isn't as good as Minnow's. It never occurred to me how good the Publishing industry's insurance coverage seems to be, probably because I was too busy complaining about the low pay. This is a first for me to look at the whole package (heh) and while the salary is what I want, I'm not sure if I want to pay possibly $300 a month just for healthcare. I have to wait to see what the final number is, what the copays are, and what's even covered. Apparently smaller companies aren't given many options, which is a huge concern of mine considering I'm a crazy lady. Women's and mental health coverage seem to be the first to go. (WHY IS VIAGRA COVERED?)

3. Is working for a start-up smart in today's economy? If I had a nest egg, hell a SAVINGS (I suck), I wouldn't mind taking a risky leap. I have this fancy iMac and a $250 Max Azria dress. That's all of my assets, people.

4. The woman I'd be working for is exactly like me. For realz. She is a psychology major who picked up a DOS manual for fun one day, taught herself computers, streamlined the data at her first job which lead to a career as an IT trainer and project manager. I am a psychology major who learned SAP by reading the user guides I had to photocopy for my boss at my first job, which lead to assuming IT liaison roles at every company I've worked for since. Basically we are both nerdy mentholes. This could be awesome or awful. Chances are there will be no gray.

PHEW. I'm glad I'm writing all of this out.

The internal job is also a big opportunity for me as well. I hate my current gig for one reason: IT'S FUCKING BORING. The only things keeping me alive are the special projects I take on. Have I ever written what my real job is there? Probably not. I'm an Inventory Analyst. I KILL BOOKS. There I said it. If there is too much stock I try to liquidate it. If not I burn it. I am the Eva Braun of Minnow. I hate it. I've tried a zillion times to change the mission statement of my department (not that they even have one), but in the end we are the dregs of the Publishing industry. No one wants to deal with us because we are where their precious title goes to die.

Okay. That was dramatic. I do more than that, but still. It's shit.

Interestingly enough this new gig is about killing books too, but at least there's some fucking excitement around going digital. I'd be responsible for managing interfaces and feeds to various e-tailers, working with IT and senior management on developing new business processes and systems, all the creative things I love. Yes, I finally realized I can be creative without using paint. If I stay at Minnow, it's a great opportunity to pull myself out of the shadows and into the spotlight. Concerns:

1. I'd still be working for Nun. My second interview was with him and an IT guy. The IT guy was first and I gotta say I was really excited after speaking with him. Then Nun killed it. The woman I'd be directly reporting to said that a decision would be made next week. Nun decided (probably today) that the job description needs to change and the position won't be filled until after the new year. Really? You're an asshole. If this was really true, why the fuck are you interviewing already, dipshit*?

2. I'm pretty sure I'm the most qualified candidate in-house. The problem is since I already work for Nun, I could see him being a real dick about transferring. I betcha fifty bucks he tries to make me do Gorilla's work still. Crap, I could even see him not letting me transfer for fear of losing a head in my current department. Fuck.

3. I can also see him lowballing the salary.

I don't want to let Nun ruin this for me. As much as I'd like to leave the company, I don't want to miss out on what might be my last chance to feel good about working at Minnow after all these years.

DOUBLE PHEW. This whole post might be moot considering I wasn't even offered either position, but I do need to think about all of these things. Must-haves for my next gig: a fatty paycheck so I can pay off my debt, good health insurance (I'm worried about this), NYC based office (I'm not ready to leave NY yet), and an opportunity to learn something new. Oh and leading me to my husband isn't a requirement, but that would be an awesome plus.

What do you guys think?




* HA! Dipshit.

Icy Hot!!

Holy crap does my chest feel better! And in true manic depressive form, I am on cloud nine right now!

MUPPET YAAAAAAAAYYYY!!

Randumb

Random things...

I broke my boob again. I'm so fucking annoyed with myself. On Thanksgiving I carried three heavy dishes and two six-packs the half mile to Bacon's apartment. The bag must have weighed at least 40 pounds. My arms were very sore the next day, but I thought, "Hey it was a work out! I'm so cool!" It didn't even occur to me that HELLO, I just had breast surgery three months ago and maaaaaybe I shouldn't be carrying something so fucking heavy. That's the problem with feeling good though - I forgot how shitty feeling bad can be.

Well I remember now. I seemed to have pulled my pectoral muscle, at least that's what the nurse and interwebs told me. The pain wasn't so bad the first week, but it's become progressively worse from the loose boob dangle. The girls are strapped in tight all the time now and I'm back to sleeping sitting up, both of which is ridiculously uncomfortable. The pain this week is the worst so far, probably because I have my period and my boobs are tender to begin with. It hurts so much that I don't know how I'm even typing. Dumb girl.

Besides the boob, I'm feeling much better. My three day hangover may have been accompanied by a cold as well. A couple of nights in did the trick. I wish I could say a couple of good nights' sleep, but no. Between Lefty and my noisy radiators I'm not well-rested. All I want to do is sleep!

I'm in a whiny grumpy mood right now, but good things are coming. I have a second interview at the consulting firm and two more interviews (one with Nun which is stupid) for the internal job tomorrow. Tomorrow night is Pokher, Saturday two holiday parties, and Sunday I'm going out to watch the Giants game with some of my Bird guy friends I haven't seen in a while. I don't want to feel like shit anymore, so I decided I am going to lay off alcohol until New Year's. Maybe I'll have one or two beers, but I am definitely not getting drunk. Every year I get sick for the holidays and I refuse to get sick this time. Refuse, damn it!

Not sleeping is making me a little crazier than usual this week. I feel lightheaded again, but it's probably the combination of anxiety and the speed at which I devoured my three taco lunch. I've decided 2010 was the year of the taco (year in review post to come) and I'm toying with 2011 being a Ribquest. We shall see. The brilliance of a Tacoquest is in its ease and cheapness. Ribs will be much more expensive and requires planned ventures to sit down restaurants. Maybe falafel is better...

My two bosses are out today. I'm enjoying the quiet. It's been a long week despite the fact I've only worked three days.

I finally got a haircut last night. I went to a new place and the girl did exactly as I asked by keeping the front long and cleaning up the back. I just want it to grow out already! I did something dumb, though. The stylist was in the bathroom when I was leaving, so I gave her tip to the receptionist. A half a block later I almost turned back to make sure she got it, but I didn't. Oh well. She lives in Astoria and seemed like a big mouth drunk (sound familiar?), so if I run into her I'm sure she'll bitch me out. I'll buy her a shot to make amends. Ugh. Shots.

What else what else what else....

I'm still sad about MD, but that's to be expected considering it's only been a week since we officially broke it off, I haven't had time to reflect, and I like beating myself with a dead horse. I miss him even though I never had him. Oh well.

Here's hoping this time next month I'll be completely over him, I'll have a new job, my boob won't hurt, and my hair is an inch longer.

Please use straw hole.

My week in review:

Wednesday I found out from Grape that Banana and Orange are getting married. I knew it was going to play out like this back in February, but it was still jarring to hear. The good news is Banana took all of the blame for what happened and still feels like an asshole for leading me on and causing drama between Grape and I. The shitty news is apparently I was the catalyst for him realizing what he had with Orange and ultimately deciding to commit to her. Why is this shitty? Because it's not fucking fair. I'm sooooo glad your life is all sorted out and you're in love you fucking asshole, while I'm still single. What bullshit.

Wednesday night I finally heard from MD. He apologized for not calling sooner. He felt awkward after what happened the last time we saw each other and wasn't sure what to say. I told him that's the problem, he doesn't say anything. He finally admitted he likes me and likes being around me, but doesn't want anything serious. I knew all of this of course, I just needed him to say it. We spoke for a few more minutes and ended the call and our fake relationship with "I'll see you around the neighborhood." I saw him on Friday, but more on this later.

I'm not really upset about Banana, just confused and disappointed. What the fuck was the point of all that, for me anyways? Fucking stupid. Unfortunately I am still upset about MD. I'm really attracted to him and wish he would have shown me some kind of effort and interest. Oh well. At least I tried.

Apparently I do have some fans out there still, though. Case in point, some dude I went out with on one date back in 2008 Facebook friended me that night (Wednesday was all about boys). I don't really understand why he did considering we haven't spoken in over two years and he's In A Relationship, but it was nice to feel like someone's thinking of me.

Thursday was a Minnow day. I had my interview for the internal job. It seemed to go pretty well, so keep your fingers crossed! The company holiday party started at 3pm that afternoon. I had a really good time hanging out with the few people I can stand there. My plan was to go home early in preparation for Friday, but of course I ended up going to a nearby pub and ending the night eating tacos on my living room floor at 1am. Typical.

So what was Friday all about? Bakes and I took off for THE DONKEY DOWN. Our favorite Astoria bar Crazy Ass (I'm still referring to it by nickname to protect the innocent - me.) has a fun game for alcoholics and over-eaters. If you do one of the following you get your picture stapled on the ceiling for all of eternity or until the gruidos run out of room for opening new cafes on 30th Ave and spread the bore over to 36th Ave:

1. Eat a donkey mess, which I think is all of their appetizers thrown on one plate. You must eat the whole thing yourself. Pass.

2. Drink not one, but TWO fishbowls filled with all sorts of Bacardi and swedish fish. I drank most of one the day of my 10K and woke up on my bathroom floor. Pass again.

3. Drink a beer from each of their fourteen taps in one sitting. DING DING DING!

I made tracking lists for us. This is how I did:



As you can see from my handwriting, beers 12-14 were rough, so rough that I don't remember them. That's right, folks. I made it all the way to the end to brown out for the finale. What a fucking drunk. My body still hurts, my soul hates me, but hot damn, my picture is on that ceiling.

MD came in when we were finished and drinking water. I sort of remember talking to him. Bakes said we were totally cool to each other. I was a little sad as he was supposed to take off and do the Donkey Down with us. Obviously he didn't. It was better off, though. Bakes is the only person I want to marathon drink with...

but unfortunately the marathon drinkups are OVER. I'm pretty sure I've had fourteen beers in a night before, but the hard part on Friday was drinking a different beer each time especially ones I can't stand. Give me fourteen Guinness and I'll definitely be wasted, but I won't be sick the next day. I've been sick all fucking weekend. That's not a complaint as this is my own fucking fault, just stating a fact.

Saturday my brain melted. I couldn't form complete sentences and when I did I sounded like the Mad Hatter. Somehow I managed to go out to dinner, dessert, and to a bar until late. I didn't drink AT ALL though, just stuffed my face. Yesterday I went to the Jets game. The guys at the tailgate gave me a shot of some new Patron flavor. I took one small sip and dumped the rest on the ground when they weren't looking. I also took one sip of an Amstel Light and gave the rest to Spags. My body is full on rejecting all alcohol and my god, I never thought I'd say this, but I couldn't be happier. Instead I stuffed my face again with lovely tailgate fare and a delicious dinner at Meatball Shop after the game. I probably gained ten pounds in the last two days, but I don't care. My body needs fuel.

And rest. Lots of rest!! Wednesday I barely slept because of the boy crap and every night since then I've been up until at least 1am. I'm off today (yeah four day weekend!) and am so friggin glad. I need a nap STAT!

Interviewfinder

Today I had my first interview in three years. It was strange for a few reasons...

1. I still don't have that impulsive GET THE FUCK OUT vibe I had when I left my last four positions. I don't know if this means that I'm complacent in my thirties or just less impulsive than my twenties.

2. When I left Company I didn't have a new job lined up. It was the dumbest decision of my life, yet it worked out for the most part. This means I haven't casually looked for a new job in almost six years.

3. I'm still not sure what I want to do. All I know is I want to get out of debt STAT. The first step was to stop charging. The next step is to increase my income. My plan is to pay off my debt, save for a year, go on a world tour, and then go back to school for art therapy. If I go after money, I should be able to do the first three things by the time I'm 36, which means I should be done with grad school by 40. Wait...how old am I? AM I THAT CLOSE TO 40?? Yikes.

4. The guy I interviewed with is a goddamn unreadable mute character like MD. He was super nice and warm, yet I have no idea what he thought of me AT ALL. Am I that bad with reading people? Why can't everyone be mutant-skinned emotional loudmouths?

5. The position is completely different than any other I've had. I'd be working for a consulting company with only ten other people who are spread all over the country. I'd either work from home or at my client's office. I can't imagine working for home, but I'm probably better off considering I never seem to get along with my direct bosses.

Ugh. I want to keep writing, but I'm a bit buzzed. Tonight was the going away party for the girl who is leaving the internal job I applied for, so I have a few beers in me. (That sentence has a lot of words.) A blah blabba blah blabba blah blah blah.

To be continued...

Jettin' It Old School

I haven't had cable in eight months, but I still get network channels.

Tonight is the huge AFC East Jets vs. Patriots game on ESPN. Luckily any New York Monday Night Football games also air on My9 for us cheapies/recovering-shit-TV-addicts.

Guess what?

Tonight is also the first night I don't have sound on channel 9. BAH!

I would go out and watch the game, but I have my interview tomorrow. No way I'm staying out late and/or drinking.

I decided to kick it old school by listening to 1050 AM while the game is on the telly in non-controllable mute. There's a delay so it's kind of annoying, but I must say this is pretty fucking funny...

P-O-O-P! Poop Poop Poop!

Thanks Universe!

I don't have any food in my apartment (per usual), so I debated whether or not I should get ribs or tacos. Ribs won, then lost as Caravan Chicken ran out of them. I begrudgingly (lie) went to Tacos Mexico for some lovin'.

While I waited for the food I walked to the bank and a nearby deli with a hop in my step. I feel GOOD. I know it's going to take some time to get over MD, but today I am a-okay.

On my walk home not even ten minutes ago, the universe did something nice for me. I ran into Pool, the guy I went on a couple of dates with back in September. It was really nice to see him. He reminded me of two things:

One, there are guys I like to hang out with but don't want to date, so I can't really blame MD for not wanting to be with me. I can blame him for being a pussy, though.

Two, I am awesome. Pool was really, really into me. I deserve nothing less.

Thanks Universe!

I'm awake!

It's 5:44pm and I just woke up. I haven't slept in like this in ages!!

Last night I went out to Swaft for Stevie's birthday party. I got home around 1am, ate a tuna fish sandwich (!!), and fell asleep on my couch. My radiators woke me up around 6am, I stayed up until 8am, then went back to bed until now. A couple of phone calls in between kept me among the living, but man, it sure be feel good waking up now*.

Tonight I'm off to Bay Ridge for my friend Annie's birthday party. Cool story, she is recently divorced (not cool) with two kids and she is now seriously dating a guy she's had a crush on FOR FIFTEEN YEARS!! I'm so happy for her! Stories like this give me hope in love and fate. And I could use some hope right now...

This week I realized my panic attacks for the past three months occur the weeks I don't hear from MD. Isn't that sad? My emotional heartache is manifesting physically. This isn't the first time I made myself sick over something I love (Company), so I shouldn't be surprised. And no, I don't love MD, but I definitely could have one day.

Yesterday I was IMing my wise friend Tron and he wrote, "Move on, MD was a time filler. And it's not your fault."

I immediately teared up. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault.

It's not my fault MD doesn't like me. It's not my fault he won't open up to me. It's not my fault he doesn't want me to be his girlfriend.

It's not my fault I like him. It's not my fault I want love. It's not my fault I've never had a serious relationship. It's not my fault I'm learning how to date at 32. It's not my fault that I'm confused by his mixed signals. It is not my fault I want something more.

As you probably guessed, I haven't heard from him yet. At this point I'm sort of glad. Obviously the best thing that could happen is he calls, commits, and communicates from now on. Second best is him doing none of those things. The reason why what Tron wrote resonated is because I know I won't be able to ignore MD's texts or phone calls. If I did I'd feel like it's my fault the relationship ended. You know what, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. Thanks Tron.

So while I had a bunch of errands to run today, I decided I deserved some rest and relaxation after this silent break-up. It's better than eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's!



*I've been told it's hard to tell when I'm being an idiot blonde or manujaggering shit, so to confirm, I meant to write that sentence with bad grammar. On St. Patty's Day I wanted to say to Bakes "It's going to be a great time!" and out came "It gon' be feel good!" I was sober. Idiot blonde then, for sure.

Circumcised Wine

This was a fast week. I'm pleasantly surprised it's Thursday. Sunday through yesterday morning I felt like shit again. Lightheaded, faint, strong palpitations. I'm not sure what changed, but I feel great today.

I have an interview next Tuesday for an IT consulting firm specializing in legal accounting applications. The recruiter said it's a super small (10 people small) start up that has found a niche market. I don't know if I want it, but shit, money talks right now. My interview for the manager job at Minnow is next week, too so we shall see!

I'm going back and forth about the Minnow job, though. I don't want to report to Nun. This week he had all of his direct reports spend four days (FOUR DAYS) on a good-bye video, speeches, party planning, etc. for Head's departure. It was unreal. The man was FIRED not RETIRED. Plus he was an asshole!! Tennis and Gorilla (the other manager in my department) did zero work all week, even cancelled some pretty important meetings too. Well, publishing important, but you know what I mean. These people do nothing. Nothing I say!

There was a toast to Head this afternoon at the office. I had half a cup of champagne and got WASTED. I knew I was allergic to white wine and never realized that's what champagne is made from. I still don't think I'm allergic to red wine, but I stopped drinking it because I always drink too much of it. Rockstar said the only difference in the processing of red and white wine is they keep the skins on the red grapes. Apparently this means I'm only allergic to circumcised wine. (Hence the post title.)

After work everyone was headed to the real good-bye party at a bar down the block. I skipped it. I didn't feel like going to begin with, plus after the champagne I just wanted to come home. I'll probably regret this decision tomorrow (can't I play the game just once??).

Okay, the truth is I came home in case MD calls. Yes, I'm a loser. I was hoping to hear from him last night. No luck. If I don't hear from him tonight, I need to give up. Again. I'm sure I'll hear from him over the weekend, but I don't want casual. I want romance. In an ideal world he would have called me on his way home from the airport saying "I missed you all weekend. Can I come over right now?" In reality he still hasn't even said the words "I like you." Blerg.

I've never been in this position before. TWSS. I guess it's because the only other person I dated for more than a month was Tat. There was my friend Bucket a few years back and we "dated" for about six months. I wrote "dated" because I wouldn't let him call it that. I said we were "hanging out". What a bitch. Unfortunately we met at the height of my commitmentphobia, so the poor guy had to fight through a pretty thick emotional wall. He eventually got through, but by the time I realized I wanted to give him a real shot he had enough of my crap and we broke up.

I can't help but feel like Bucket right now, chasing someone who is emotionally unavailable. Or maybe MD's just not that interested. It feels so intimate when we are together though, which is why I'm so confused...

Bucket met his now wife the week before we broke up. They are perfect together. If I am him right now, maybe this means the next guy I meet will be The One...

I have no idea what I'm doing.