Afternoon rambling

I can’t even bring myself to finish a post about not posting. I don’t understand how or why I lost the connection to Thighs. Looking at the number of posts per month they obviously started to decrease back in September. God September sucked. I can’t help but wonder if it’s related to me stopping the Zoloft. Maybe it really was helping me stay involved with my projects. I feel like I had so many plans and ideas back then; now I feel like a lump on a log. I’m not quite sure what I’m doing with my life. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’m just not one of those people that set and achieve goals. The only goals I ever really had was to move to NYC and work at Company. They came true, but now what? Seriously. Now what?

I’m pretty hungover and I have to go volunteering. I really want to hang out with the kids, but I feel bad going and not being 100% with it. I don’t want to be a bad influence. I hope it goes fast. No first I hope it goes well, then fast. I’d much rather go to bed then go downtown. What am I going to do when I get down there? Where am I even going anyways? Is this how a real writer writes? Just a stream of consciousness without worrying if things make sense or if there’s any structure to the story? I like writing like this. I say like too much. I wish I could write like this and get paid for it. I wish I could always stay in this zone and get my thoughts out on paper and not worry about the format or what I’m saying or doing. I think in run on sentences, why can’t I write in run on sentences. I wonder if I actually do think in run on sentences or it’s just that the speed of my racing thoughts is so fast that they mash together. Like a circus train. I wish I remembered to watch the elephants walking from Queens to MSG. I was even in the city at class until 9:30pm that night! Totally forgot. So annoying. I wrote Ringling Brothers an email (that sounds so funny) asking them when they’ll be walking back over and they said that the trip back isn’t a public event. How the hell do you stop the public from staring at elephants walking back to Queens?? Oh, wait. Maybe she said “publicized” event. As in they aren’t publicizing it. I needed to clarify the definition to myself.

Only 49 minutes left. Summer hours started this week. I can’t wait to have off on Friday. I can’t wait for Jane and bike riding and Sangria! I can’t wait to go to bed. I really need to do laundry. I should have bought that underwear at Duane Reade today. I may have to tomorrow on my way into work. I don’t think I have any clean pairs left. What the hell am I going to wear tomorrow? I hate my work clothing. I only have three pairs of pants and they’re all falling apart and the butt area is really saggy. NY&Co and Express stopped making the pants I like, so now I have to find new stores to shop at. It’s so friggin frustrating finding (fffffffff) pants that fit. I HATE IT! I know I’m overweight with ginormous thighs, but I’m not obese! Why can’t pants fit me right? I’m a good person gosh darn it! On the plus side at least NOT fitting into pants is motivating me to work out again. I went to the gym yesterday for the first time in forever. It felt good. I need to make it a habit again. I need to make posting a habit again too. Why did everything stop once I started taking the meds?? Maybe I have ADHD. Maybe I need a pick me up. Maybe I need to stop being a commitmentphobe. What is it with me and commitment? Look jerk, just fucking DO things. Stop thinking about doing them and just DO them.

There was a woman on the subway that looked like a ladybug. I miss her. Here’s her picture:



Hmmm…if I’m writing “Here’s her picture.” I guess that means I’m going to post this. I’m going to post this. My god 41 minutes left. I thought I typed faster than that. Writing emails to the Petes made me a better typist. I guess I’m still not that great though. Maybe I should walk to volunteering. Where the hell am I even going? {{LOOKING}} Brooklyn Bridge stop! Not walking. I would if I had sneakers. I have my softball sneakers from last year here, but I don’t have socks.

Celebrity Autobiography is really funny. I should watch SNL on Hulu. I have no more use for work today. I can’t figure out how to keep my brain in my head. My boss left for the day. I like when he leaves. What else do I have to write about?????????? I like staring at a Starry Night on my office wall. I let my eyes go wonky so that the painting moves.



I left a jar of peanut butter on my desk last night. I wonder if the cleaning people put their fingers in it. I came in one day and someone had been using my computer to listen to music. I used to lock my computer when I sat in a cube; it never occurred to me to lock it with an office. Lock it now that I sit in an office. Most people have offices here. I don’t understand companies with mainly cubes. It doesn’t seem very nice. HOLY CRAP I totally forgot how awful the pee cube was at Company. Yuck.

31 minutes. There’s something in the left center of my brain but I can’t get to it. Is it something I forgot to say? What are you? I should go to the printer and pick up the map for later. {{WALK TO PRINTER}} Oh yay! I’m getting excited now. I like volunteering. I should write about my experiences thus far. Thus.

25 minutes. Sheesh. I should just leave now. Maybe I will. I think I’m done writing. What did you say, spot in the left center of my brain? Peanut butter? No.

Oy. I’m going home.

Random Cell Phone Pics Part 3

This pic was taken on the overpass at 31st Street and Astoria Blvd. 278 flooded after a summer storm.


The Empire State Building was blue and orange for the Mets home opener on April 13th.


That same night I had two shadows. Kind of weird!


If you look at the top left corner, about 11 o'clock, there's something green. I was convinced it was pair of my underwear that got thrown into someone else's laundry by mistake, so much so that I stood in front of this washing machine for a good seven minutes trying to get a shot. I found the underwear in my dresser drawer a few minutes later.

It's a Hard Knock Life

Everything feels really hard lately. It's hard to get out of bed, hard to get to the gym, hard to go to work, hard to focus, hard to find jeans that fit, hard to find love, hard to blog, hard, hard, hard. Know why everything feels really hard lately?

BECAUSE I KEEP MAKING IT HARD!

For the last fifteen years I've tried to make my life easier by running away from my troubles. Obviously this had the reverse effect and I've found myself back where I left off: sixteen years old with the weight of the world on my shoulders and no fucking clue.

PAUSE.

This is why I haven't regularly posted in so long. I get bored with what I'm writing, confused as to what I really want to say, and then I Save as Draft and never publish the post.

You know what I really want to say?? I want to say that I'm scared out of my fucking mind. I want to say that I still have no fucking idea what I'm doing with my life and unfortunately I'm not sixteen anymore I'M THIRTY-ONE!! It's not cool for a WOMAN to say she doesn't have a fucking clue. I'm embarrassed to admit that lately I feel no better off than I was fifteen years ago, except now I know how to get around on the subway and put on a condom in the dark. Woo fucking woo.

I feel more self-conscious now than I ever remember feeling. Hell I could have always felt this way, but this is the first time I'm really facing it. Is it possible I'm dealing with unresolved teenage growing pains? Yikes. No wonder I hate everyone.

Sounds about right...

Nerdspeak

I am running an analysis that has 625 columns and 30,000 rows broken up over 6 excel spreadsheets. For non-nerds, this is a huge report.

I wish I was outside! Wah!

Slackin' Dackin

I thought I should write since I'm buzzed, online, wearing shorts (if Bacon wasn't here I'd be pantsless), and haven't posted in a while. Slackin' dackin.

How do I sum up my life lately? The word of the day...freedom.

I don't feel free at all. I feel bound by my poor decisions of the past 10 years in regards to finances, men and my health, bound by my self-consciousness and paranoia, bound by my career path, bound by everything. I say/write all this knowing full well that I'm not really bound by any of these things (except maybe my debt), it's just an epiphany I had today that I'm still making sense of.

What do I consider freedom? Waking up on a beautiful day like today and not having to go to work. Wearing a bathing suit without shorts (it all comes back to the thighs). Writing, drawing, creating without self-constraint or fear. Traveling. Buying things without worrying about my budget. Not having to think about finding a boyfriend. Not wondering if this is what my life will be like for the next 40 years.

Do you see the common bond to all these things? They're almost all negative statements! Without and not. Where's the with and will?? I have to consciously force myself to say positive things. It's positively annoying.

I'll end with Tourette's:

fuckshitbitchcocksuckingmotherhorsefuckingdipshitassmonkeyfistfuckingshitwaddicklickingcrabappleumbrella

Sometimes it's just nice to curse it out.

Pageants Suck

The interweb is all a buzz with Miss California's answer to whether or not gay marriage should be legal. I actually caught it live last night as I was flipping around waiting for Rock of Love Bus Reunion to start. Ironically, Miss C's answer was more shocking to me than anything Bret's ladies have done all season, except for maybe the vag shot.

Basically she said she believed marriage should only be between a man and a woman. It was pretty fucked up in my opinion, especially since she started off saying how great it is that people have the right to choose in this country, but in HER country, no one should have any rights.

I assume she said this because of her religious beliefs which always makes me wonder, if you were truly at one with your god and religion, why would you care what anyone else believes, who they love, or how they live?

I will never understand why legalizing gay marriage is such an issue for people. Unfortunately, they will never understand why this is such a non-issue for me. Sucks. So do pageants.

Cheatin' Bastard

Wow. I can't believe I barely posted this month. I have about four or five half-written ones that I never got around to finishing, so I'm going to cheat by publishing them with a back-date this week.

Hmmm...is it really cheatin' if it's my own blog? Whose rules are these???

Subtle Butt

What, me worry? This made my week:

Subtle Butt, the disposable gas neutralizer

A company called The Pond Inc. is now selling a product called "Subtle Butt", billed as a fart neutralizer, to eliminate smelly flatulence.

It's an activated carbon fabric pad, measuring 3.25" x 3.25" square, and adheres to the inside of your underwear with two self-adhesive strips.

As the wind breaks, Subtle Butt filters the flatulence, absorbing and neutralizing its odor. Now you can eat as many burritos you want and still have a social life.

Blah.

Minnow let people go yesterday. No one knows what's happening, no announcements have been made. Just a whole lotta rumors and closed doors. It's pretty bad.

I was really pissed off at this one department today. They're the group that says, "Not to pass the buck..." every single time they want something done, but don't want to do it. I can't stand them! The one guy walks like he has a closet pole for a spine and the other guy is gay. I didn't think I had a problem with gay people, but today I found myself repeatedly thinking, "Fuck you, you fucking fuck. I want to punch you in your gay face!"

I couldn't understand why they bothered me so much today, so I stewed until I figured it out. My anger sat in my chest growing and growing until it became a Zeloch fireball. Once it becomes a fireball I either launch it out of me like an evil Care Bear Stare or keep it inside and find the core. Today I decided to dig.

I turned my anxiety and the anxiety of those around me into anger against these two dickwads. Being angry is usually my first emotional reaction to a stressful situation. I get angry because initially I really am angry, but I STAY angry only when I don't take the time to figure out what's truly bothering me. Today it was worry, stress, disappointment, and guilt.

Worry - I'm not as worried as I should be about losing my job. I feel like things will always work out. I'm more worried about the unknown. What will happen? What will my role be? Do I even care? If I don't care, why am I still working here?

Stress - I took this job because it was an easy paycheck. Now that my health is in order and I have my life back, the role has served its purpose. The stressful part is figuring out where I want this role to take me, if anywhere.

Disappointment - This round of layoffs was poorly handled. I think a good company makes sure the people who leave have their dignity and those that stay know what's going on. Minnow should know better.

Guilt - I feel guilty that I don't try my hardest at this job. Part of me is really afraid I'll make myself sick again. I've grown up a lot the past year so I don't think it will happen again, but it's still in the back of my mind. I have to remind myself to not lose sight of what matters most: my friends, my family, and my well-being.

Disappointment 2 - I'm also disappointed that I'm not trying my hardest. This is so unlike me when it comes to work. I deserve better than this. I should allow myself to shine.

Worry 2 - Now that I'm writing about this I AM worried I'll lose my job. I got bills to pay! At least I'm not a financial ignoramus anymore.

Blah. This sucks.

A second date!

Holy crap, I actually had a second date. And holier crap, my list of things to do/not do FLEW out the window. At least I'm learning!

1. Do not go to a loud bar after dinner, especially one that is on an Argyle-sweater-wearing-golfer pub crawl. It is too easy to say okay to "This sucks, let's go to your place so we can hang out alone."

2. When specifically asked about leaving Company keep answer short and sweet: "Oh it was just time to go."

3. When specifically asked if I like my current job, say yes and leave it alone.

4. I realized for a negative person like myself, being positive means a whole lot of lying.

5. Listening to my tummy is a good thing.

6. I'm strangely attracted to lower lips. Nice, kissable, full ones. Or maybe just his.

7. Take Nyquil if he snores.

And the biggest thing I learned on my second date is that I am still a commitment-phobe. I like this guy, but I'm ready to walk away. Why though? What am I afraid of? That I'm going to get my hopes up and he won't like me back? Helloooo...been there, done that. See two posts back for christ sakes. What happens if I'm afraid he WILL like me back?

I don't like letting people in. Yes it's ironic to write that in a personal blog, but it's the truth. My "in" is too crazy for me to handle sometimes, how can I expect anyone else to handle it?

Love Challenged

I am love challenged.

Or maybe I’m not love challenged, maybe I’m making love A challenge. You know what I’ve been doing ever since the date I had on Tuesday? I emailed Job, I looked up Krull on Facebook, checked to see if Long Red had been on OKC, and thought about Donovan. Then today my friend from work mentioned this guy she wanted to hook me up with a few months ago and now I’m sitting here bummed out that he didn’t like me.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just enjoy the fact that I had a nice time with someone? Why do I constantly bang my head against the wall thinking about guys who don’t like me? Why aren’t I strong enough to say fuck them and move on?

Why, why, why. The "whys" are killing me! Why didn’t they like me? Why wasn't I the one? Why didn’t it work out?

The joke is I'm not sure if I even want an answer!

I always figure the reason is because I’m overweight. I can deal with this because that’s MY hang up. But what happens if it’s not the reason? What happens if it’s because I’m not funny enough or smart enough or interesting enough? What happens if it’s because I said an obnoxious joke about sucking dick and they were turned off? What happens if I was too clingy or too boring or too into them or…

ARGH. Enough. My head hurts.

Dating Data

An OKC guy asked me out and suggested we go to my usual pub. How weird is that?? We went out tonight. I had a really nice time!

I'm actually keeping a log of all the things I should/shouldn't do or say on dates. I think this one went well because I:

1. kept my vag in my pants.

2. was positive about my life even though I have no idea what I'm doing.

3. didn't talk about Company. Sadly I still make it sound like an ex-husband.

4. listened instead of waited to speak.

5. relaxed.

6. ordered something that was easy to eat and hard to make a mess of, even for me.

7. wasn't sarcastic. Some guys don't seem to get my sense of humor.

8. didn't offer to pay. I'm not sure if this matters or not, but the Millionaire Matchmaker says it does. Yes I'm pathetic, but at least I'm trying!

I think it also went well because he's super nice and personable. Cute, too! We have plans to go out again on Saturday.

Cheese, please!

Daisy May BBQ

There's a Daisy May BBQ cart right outside Minnow. I had a pulled pork and coleslaw sandwich with a side of rice and beans for lunch.

It was mind-blowingly delicious.

Breen said I look like I just got laid. I feel like I smoked a bowl, THEN got laid.

Food coooommmaaa...

Best Tampon Ad Ever

Watchmen

As promised last year, my birthday celebration kicked off with seeing Watchmen.

I liked and disliked it. Visually it was all there. Emotionally it wasn't. I realize now the overwhelming feelings I had at the theater came from me and my love of the book, not from the movie.

At this point, all that matters that Watchmen is getting more mainstream recognition. I love seeing people read it on the subway. I love walking past B&N and having a blood stained yellow happy face smile back at me. I love DC's After Watchmen campaign, a guide for people who would like to read more graphic novels, but aren't sure what to buy next.

I know there are some who would disagree, but I think all comic movies are good for the industry. Was I worried Watchmen would get fucked up? Of course and I don't think it did, but in the end, who cares? It doesn't change how I feel about the book and the characters. Even the worst comic movies don't stop longtime fans from reading. In my mind a comic film was a success if it gets one non-reader to buy his (or her!) first issue or graphic novel. Watchmen is doing just that, which is why I'm glad it was made, even if it didn't end up being one of my favorite films. Being one of my favorite books is enough for me!

Dirty Minnow

Minnow has a children's format description called "BOARD BOOK/SUPER CHUBBY."

Hee hee.

Emails to a coworker

From: Thighs
Sent: Thursday, March 12, 2009 3:00 PM
Subject: Snicker-less

I’m finally out of Snickers and now I really want chocolate.

From: Thighs
Sent: Thursday, March 12, 2009 3:01 PM
Subject: RE: Snicker-less

PS I can’t focus today. I need to do documentation but I do my best work at home. I guess I’ll just coast until then…

From: Thighs
Sent: Thursday, March 12, 2009 3:01 PM
Subject: RE: Snicker-less

PPS The long redhead guy from OKCupid hasn’t asked me out yet. We’ve been emailing pretty regularly, but I’m getting impatient.

From: Thighs
Sent: Thursday, March 12, 2009 3:02 PM
Subject: RE: Snicker-less

PPPS I’m gonna go poo.

From: Thighs
Sent: Thursday, March 12, 2009 3:10 PM
Subject: RE: Snicker-less

PPPPS Successful, but rushed. Not sure why.

I watch too much TV.

I just did a cheer to a Hillshire Farm commercial.

The ad ends with: "When I say Hillshire, you say Farm!", "Hillshire!", "Farm!", "Go Meat!"

I was writing my brother an email when all of a sudden, without even realizing the commercial was on, my right arm shot halfway up in the air on the "Go", then punched straight up on the "Meat".

Help me.

Pisces Power Pukage

Last night was Jules and I fifth joint-birthday celebration. It was so great to see everyone. Love yous and thanks for coming!

I had a really nice time, except for one thing. I was SICK. Like really sick. I didn't want to tell anyone, but I could not stop puking. I don't know what happened!! I only had four beers!! I don't know if it was because I had the flu all week or I ate something bad or the Guinness was stank (was anyone else drinking it?) or I finally broke my liver...it was so gross!

The last time I threw up at my birthday party was when I turned 24 (I think). We were somewhere on the UWS. I did three shots as soon as we got there, made out with some guy who said I needed chapstick (I did), and made myself (MADE myself) go throw up so that I could keep drinking. I used to do that a lot actually. Issues.

So again, I really did love seeing everyone, I just wish I felt like myself. I hope you all had a good time, though!

Blame Ruth Clare

It's 7:30pm. Class was cancelled due to the snowstorm. This is awesome timing because I'm not feeling too well and didn't want to get home late.

I'm tempted to go to bed right now.

Ooo, maybe I'll watch Wheel first.

Geez...am I turning 31 or 91?? Must. Fight. Urge. To. Act. Elderly.

Ah screw it. Ruth Clare wins.

HE WROTE BACK HE WROTE BACK!

OKC guy already wrote back! I didn't even write anything whorey!

WOO HOO!

Nicer Stove Update

It's here! Yaaaayyyy!!! Oh my gosh, it's so new and clean!!!

The first thing I'm making is a birthday cake for myself. Well really for my parents, they're coming here on Saturday. Oooo...maybe I'll make dinner, too!

Culinary genius, activate!

Stove Update

My landlord came through and ordered a new stove without a fight. I am so, so grateful!! While I do like to get my Irish up every once in a while, I really didn't want to drag this shit out. I love this apartment and don't want any negativity in or about my home.

Unless of course, it's MY negativity. The fucking delivery guys are such assholes! I called them on Tuesday and the owner said that his driver is in court for the next two days. I was like okaaayyy, how about Thursday. He said sure, he'll call me in the morning for delivery.

By 11am I still didn't hear anything so I called them. The owner said this time his driver was at the mechanic and wasn't sure when he'll be able to come. I could hear the bullshit dripping off his words. I get this feeling he's one of those guido/gruido (greek version) tough guys who gets all of his product off the back of a truck and thoroughly enjoys jerking locals around. Fuck you, you wannabe mobster piece of shit!

He got back to me at noon saying the guy will be here "some time before 3pm." It's fucking 2:45pm. What the fuck? You're like 10 minutes from my fucking apartment! And now I'm supposed to fucking tip you??? ARGH!

I'm perturbed. Yes it's nice to be home from work (especially this week), but waiting for someone sucks.

DOUBLE ARGH!

I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE I'M IN LOVE!

Oh my god, I just fell in love with a guy on OKCupid. I'm serious. Like really serious. Well, as serious as I can be about falling in love with someone's online profile.

Why am I in love? He has long red hair. I HATE guys with long hair, but fuck me, I have no self-control when it comes to gingers. My heart is going to beat out of my chest!!

Fingers crossed he writes me back!

An eventful day...

I know I've mentioned a few times that I never cook, but I don't think I ever explained why. I hate my fucking stove. Using it scares the fucking shit out of me.

When I moved into Delilah I thought I was getting a new one. Turns out my old super swapped the new stove for a pretty banged up one. The first time I used the oven my whole apartment smelled like burning rat poison. I immediately turned it off and never used it again. I occasionally use the stove top, but even that is a bit sketchy. Boiling a pot of water takes at least a half hour, the burners always go off, and sometimes it smells like gas is leaking. A couple of years ago I asked my landlord for a new one, but she said since the stove was "working" it wasn't a necessity and she'd have to raise my rent. I didn't push the issue.

As I was making eggs this morning, the smell of gas filled my kitchen and I became really nauseous and faint. I freaked out. I had no idea what to do, so I turned off the stove, opened the windows, and laid down. My head was spinning with thoughts of the apartment building blowing up and me being responsible for killing my neighbors all because I didn't feel like having cereal. I couldn't stop thinking about it so I did what any overly dramatic paranoid hungover moron who was about to pass out would do...I called the fire department.

They got here in like 15 minutes. No leak, although they did shut off my gas to be safe. I was so embarrassed. They told me I did the right thing and that my landlord should get me a new stove, but god, I was mortified. I still thought I was going to pass out so they offered to call an ambulance, but I declined. I just wanted to crawl back in bed and die a lonely death.

About a half hour later ConEd came. The guy opened up the stove and flinched. He said I wasn't smelling gas, I was smelling the carbon buildup that was all over the inside. He said this was dangerous and could make me really sick!! I couldn't believe it. I told him how I felt faint, he said that sounds about right. Then I realized this wasn't the first time I've felt woozy in my kitchen, I just always assumed it was me getting up too fast or a hangover or something stupid. Now I know it could have been my damn stove this whole time!

The guy wrote a ticket for my landlord saying that while this stove could be cleaned and fixed, I should really have a new one. Thank Shizza!! It will be nice to not have to worry about the stupid thing anymore. It's also nice to know my weird paranoia over it was validated.

I still feel a bit out of it, though. At this point I don't think it's related to the stove, I'm just emotionally drained from today. It was uncomfortable to ask for help. I didn't know what to do, so I called people who would. That's what they are there for, right?

He's Just Not That Into You

I liked it! I really did. I'm not quite sure how I feel about the message yet though.

This is probably because today I accidentally emailed an OK Cupid guy with a "Hi! I like your profile!" before realizing I had emailed him a "Hey! I like your profile!" three weeks ago and got no response.

It's also probably because I'm going on a date on Saturday. I met him at NYCC last weekend and we've been chatting all week. When I told him I was free this weekend he asked if it would be weird for us to hang out on Valentine's Day. I said I didn't think so, but now I'm not so sure. I guess it all depends on how the date goes!

Date. date. datE. DATE. DaTe. It's still weird to write no matter how I write it.

Oh I actually had one a couple of weeks ago, too. Yada, yada, yada, I got laid. It was okay. It confirmed the fact that I am Just Not That Into meaningless sex anymore. I'm glad.

Chinese New Year

Last night I watched an amazing East River firework show from my bedroom window. I'm pretty sure they were in celebration of the Chinese New Year. I found this video online. Yaaaay fireworks!

I plan on going to Chinatown next weekend and checking out the parade. Here's a list of all the upcoming events, let me know if you're interested!

Me TV

I am currently flipping between NFL Countdown on ESPN and an America's Next Top Model rerun on Oxygen. I'll throw Rock of Love Bus into the mix at 11:30am when the early show airs.

Sports, beauties, and smut. Sounds about right.

Pee Ess

I totally wiped out at the bar tonight. All it took was three margaritas, two worn down flats, and one slippery floor. I did the non-limber fatty cheerleader split where the front leg is straight and the back leg is bent at a 90 degree angle. That was the landing; I managed to bang my knee pretty hard on the way down. D'oh!

Emotionless Memories of Emotional Times

Most of my memories are associated with emotion. When I go back to Jackson I immediately feel self-conscious and disconnected. A couple of years ago when I saw THE ex-boyfriend I immediately felt a rush of love, passion, confusion, and pain.

I'm assuming this happens to most people. I have to ask though:

Is a memory worth remembering without emotion?

Tonight I was reminded of a very painful and upsetting period a few years back. The interesting thing about it was I didn't actually remember the FEELINGS associated with this memory, rather I simply acknowledged having felt them at the time. I sat there thinking, "Wow. This is weird. Am I uncomfortable hearing this? I don't think I am. I am completely devoid of emotion right now. Who am I??"

And my question includes positive memories as well. Most of the things I liked in my youth still rile up some good feelings. I'm sure if someone threw me a pack of Big League Chew I would beam for hours while I stuffed the whole bag in my mouth in one shot. (Eating it this way is practically mandatory.) In fact, I can't think of anything I used to like that doesn't still make me feel a flicker of joy...

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm buzzed and perplexed and in the mood to write. I just find it so interesting that my mind remembered something that my heart forgot.

Blonde Moment #138

I have two Gmail accounts, a personal one and a Thighsighs one. I just logged out of my personal one to view my Thighs mail. Still no word from Jeremy Shockey or Jon Gruden.

I guess I didn't actually log out of the Thighs mail because when I went back to my personal account "Thighs McGee" was listed as available on chat.

Weird, right?

So what did I do?

I IMed myself.

Guess what happened.

Nothing.

Wait, it gets better.

Guess what I wrote.

"Hi!"

Jesus Christ I'm blonde.

New Looking for Grace trailer

There's a new trailer up for my brother and his friends' webseries. Check it out!

Oh and there's a close-up of a bearded guy's face and hands...that's Rip!

No Boobies

I'm not having a superbowl party this year. I wasn't really into throwing it to begin with, then the Giant heartbreaking loss against the Eagles sealed the deal.

I know the point of having an annual superbowl party is to have it every year (duh) no matter who plays, it's just that I'm still a bit upset to enjoy myself. I think last year's awesomeness and the Giants' regular season performance really made me believe they'd win it again. Stupid stupids.

I'm very excited to pass the boob to MJ and Steve-O this year. It's crazy to think this would have been my fifth Super Boobie Bowl, though. I can't believe I've been in Queens that long already! Seems like Delilah and I just met yesterday...

Love-fucking

I need to get laid.

You ever get so angry that you reach this peak of angerdom where you become eerily cool, calm, collected, and (for me anyways) pale? I think I've reached that point of horny. I'm so horny that I don't think it's even called horny anymore. I don't know what to call it...yearn-y, maybe?

yearning [yur-ning] - noun: prolonged unfulfilled desire or need

It was so easy for me to get laid when I didn't care who I was banging:

"You're sitting next to me at a Rangers game? Let's have sex."
"Your initials are SM? Mine too! Let's have sex."
"You have freckles and a penis? Wanna have sex? Oh...we already had sex? Let's do it again!"

This whole caring about who I sleep with bullshit is well, bullshit. I hate it. Like really hate it. And you know what I REALLY hate about really hating it???

I DON'T ACTUALLY HATE IT.

I'm glad I don't sleep around like I used to, but there was a reason I did! Yeah yeah, low-self esteem, commitment issues, blah blah, who gives a shit. The number one reason I slept around was because I LIKED TO FUCK. Plain and simple. We fucky, me likey.

Then there came (heh) a time when I stopped enjoying myself. I think I got so used to the bang and run that it almost became, dare I say it, boring. It was so easy, I was so easy, that the fun was gone. In order for me to enjoy sex again, I was going to have to care.

So here I am. I care now. And I haven't had sex in four months. Yaaaaayyy.

I would like the next guy I sleep with to be someone I really like, am extremely attracted to, and enjoy being around and vice versa. I want him to be all the usual things (kind, funny, charming, etc.), but I'd also like him to occasionally drag me by my hair up my four flights of stairs, throw me down on my living room floor, rip my clothes off, and fuck me stupid.

Yes of course I want him to respect me and treat me well, but a girl's got needs. I'm yearning for a meaningful, caring, passionate relationship that includes some hardcore love-fucking.

Great. Now I'm turned on. I need to get laid.

Doggie Durex

Awesome.

And another blerg.

Job was at the bar watching the game with me today and I didn't make a move. Not one single move. I mean the fact that I'm calling it "a move" may mean that I don't actually have "moves" anymore to begin with, but still...

If I really want to date someone, wouldn't it be smart to try and make the effort to do so with a guy I've been attracted to for the past two years?

Double blerg.

Blerg.

The Giants lost today. Fucking shitbags. I'm not sure if I want to have a Super Boobie Bowl party this year...

Blerg.

Goldilocks

I spent the last 20 minutes writing a post about something that really disappointed me at work today, but forget it. Right now I'm just grateful to have a job.

I can't help but feel like Goldilocks though. Company I cared too much, Minnow I care too little. Hopefully my next gig will be just right.

Online dating can suck it.

I am ready to come clean: I stink at online dating. I had a nice little stint there a couple months back, but now I'm feeling a bit self-conscious and a lot discouraged.

The guys that I don't want to chat with are either old, short, orange, misspelled words and/or used text phrases such as "I M GR8, HOW R U" in their About Mes, are surrounded by chicks in their profile pic (why?), or picked the screen name BIG_PUSSY_LOVER.

The guys I am somewhat attracted to say they go to the gym 8 days a week, read lots of books without pictures, and jetset every weekend. This bothers me because I don't even know what a "gym" is anymore, reading bores the shit out of me (there, I've said it!), and I don't have money to travel right now. Oooo...I thought what bothered me was feeling less-than again, but no, I think it's jealousy!! HA! Fuck you and your perfect profile! I like the color blue, that's all I have to say right now!

Then there are the guys that make me want to lick my monitor and hump my keyboard. Shocker: I haven't found one of those online yet. I was going to email this really hot redhead tonight, but I chickened out. He listed himself as "skinny" plus he lives in Hoboken and well, that's just dumb.

So why do I stink at online dating? It's way too easy to give up. I need to meet someone face to face. I also need support, encouragement, confidence, and accountability. In a word, I need a WINGWOMAN.

It's time to get offline and get off live. I am going out at least once a week with the sole purpose of meeting new people (girl or guy) that may lead me to my soulmate (guy, maybe girl if she has a nice rack). I want love, I want passion, I want a best friend, I want companionship, and while I'm at it, I want to be fucked silly during half-time.

I can't do this by myself so if you want to be my wing let's make some plans.

Good-bye, online dating. I'm going out.

AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!

ROCK OF LOVE IS BACK!
ROCK OF LOVE IS BACK!
ROCK OF LOVE IS BACK!

AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!

VH1 didn't show it, but one of the girls just drank a test tube shot from another girl's vajohn.

This is my favorite day of 2009.

ROCKIN'!!

Beer!

Since I was really sick over the 2007 holidays, I was determined to stay healthy this year, mainly so I could spend time with my brother.  I miss the stinker.

On Christmas night I decided to go out with him and his friends in Jackson.  Long story short I had a really good time, but made the mistake of drinking like I did as a Jersey youth.  Two words:  Bud Ice.

I have no idea how many I drank, but seriously, NEVER AGAIN.  I puked my guts out that night, had a raging hangover the next two days, and still have a cold over a week later.  I'm sure drinking outside in the winter, taking quite a few chugs of blackberry brandy, and two drags of a cigarette didn't help either, but let's just blame Budweiser.  I never liked their beers anyways.

Just for kicks I decided to look up the alcohol content.  Bud Ice is 5.5%.  This made me curious to see what the strength is of all my favorite beers from years past.

Teenage favorites - Honestly I drank what I could get, but when I had options:
Zima 4.8% (FA!!!)
Coors Light 4.2% (Yuck. I might hate Coors more than Budweiser now.)
Olde English 5.9% (You know, because Jackson is South Central Jersey.)

College favorites:
Icehouse 5.0% (Duh, this probably tasted just like Bud Ice now that I think about it.)
Yuengling Black and Tan 4.5%
Newcastle 4.5%
Bass 5.2%
Steel Reserve 8.1% (Not kidding. I'd buy a 40 for $2 and be set for the night.)

Adult favorites:
Ommegang 8.5%
Anchor Steam Liberty Ale 6.0%
Sierra Nevada 5.7% (Bottle only, I don't like it on tap.)
Stone Arrogant Bastard Ale 7.2%
Stone IPA 6.9%
Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA 6.0%
I really just love IPAs in general.

Timeless:
Guinness 4.0% (My go-to beer since college.)
Amstel Light 3.6% (My lighter back-up.)
Corona 4.6% (During the summer or when eating Mexican food.)
Miller Lite 4.2% (Only at sporting events.)

Okay, it's settled. Bud Ice is stronger than most of my go-to beers. It's not as strong as my Adult favorites, but I can't drink too many of them anyways. Case in point, the last time I had Dogfish Head I was on a date. I drank three before the guy showed up (he was stuck at work) and was BOMBED. We didn't go out on a second date. Again, I blame Budweiser.

RU Slacker

I requested my college transcripts the other day.   I was SUCH a slacker!   My cumulative grade point average was a 1.8 when I got kicked out of school.  When I got back in I tried harder (ie I actually went to class), but still didn't give it my all.  I graduated with a 2.4. 

Obviously I didn't take advantage of the opportunities I had at Rutgers.  I honestly didn't recognize them at the time.  The funny thing is now I think it would be fun to be a professional student.  I really do love to learn and wish I could afford to go to school full time.  Maybe one day...

Man, I sure was ignorant in my twenties.  Thank Shizza they're over!

Happy New Year!

I have officially decided that 2008 was a good year.  Woo hoo!

Over the past few weeks I kept saying it wasn't so bad.  Then I realized duh, if it wasn't so bad doesn't that mean it was good??

My 2008 resolution was to "work hard at being hot, debt free, and eventually, a creative professional."  Even though I'll still wear shorts over my bathing suit, have credit card debt, and need my analytical day job I don't feel like I failed.  This is one of my great successes of 2008: I'm learning how to stop beating myself up over everything.

Instead of thinking about all the things I should have done, I am pleasantly satisfied with all of the things I accomplished.  I got a job, took writing and art classes, stopped using my credit card, dated a few people, and started volunteering. I found out I have values (who knew?) and am consciously making the effort to live by them.  I feel mentally and emotionally stronger despite the occasional battles with Me and Myself.  And last but certainly not least, I am learning to be more grateful, especially for all of the good friends in my life.  That means YOU!

So yes, 2008 was a good year for me, mostly in an internal way.  Now I'm ready to set some concrete/external goals for 2009.  I'm still outlining them right now; basically the overall theme is to be proactive and productive.  I like feeling and thinking about things, but now I want results.

One resolution I can share now is to reconnect with Thighs again.  I promise to post more often.  I know some of you were sick of seeing "My Dick" for the past few weeks (Jules!).  Hey, it's better than pics of "My Vagina" though, right?

My Dick

Does anyone know this song? I can't stop laughing, but I'm not sure if it's because of the lyrics or because I'm old...

My dick cost a late night fee
Your dick got the HIV
My dick plays on the double feature screen
Your dick went straight to DVD

My dick- bigger than a bridge
Your dick look like a little kid's
My dick- large like the Chargers, the whole team
Your shit look like you fourteen

My dick- locked in a cage, right
Your dick suffer from stage fright
My dick- so hot, it's stolen
Your dick look like Gary Coleman

My dick- pink and big
Your dick stinks like shit
My dick got a Caesar do,
Your dick needs a tweezer, dude

My dick is like super size
Your dick look like two fries
My dick- more mass than the Earth
Your dick- half staff, it needs work

My dick- been there done that
Your dick sits there with dunce cap
My dick- V.I.P.
Your shit needs I.D.

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

My dick need no introduction
Your dick don't even function
My dick served a whole lunch-in
Your dick- it look like a munchkin

My dick- size of a pumpkin
Your dick look like Macaulay Culkin
My dick- good good lovin'
Your dick- good for nothin'

My dick bench pressed 350
Your dick couldn't shoplift at Thrifty
My dick- pretty damn skimpy
Your dick- hungry as a hippie

My dick don't fit down the chimney
Your dick is like a kid from the Philippines
My dick is like an M16
Your dick- broken vending machine

My dick parts the seas
Your dick farts and queefs
My dick- rumble in the jungle
Your dick got touched by your uncle

My dick goes to yoga
Your dick- fruit roll-up
My dick- grade-A beef
Your dick- Mayday geek

My dick- sick and dangerous
Your dick- quick and painless
My dick- 'nuff said.
Your dick loves Fred

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

My favorite football commercial

I get teary-eyed when I watch this. In a good way.

Enough blue.

I am in love with Christina Hendricks.  I watched the first three episodes of Mad Men last night. Holy fucking gorgeous.  

I never thought I'd use this phrase, but man, I would eat her with a spoon.



Nothing like a little red to keep me from feeling blue.

The battle continues...

Before I begin, I'm okay now.

I haven't been feeling well for the past few months.  I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm crying every day again. I have zero motivation to post, write, color, hang out, go to the gym, clean the apartment, hell do anything except watch television. 

This started around mid-September.  I thought facing my financial problems was the sole reason for the extra anxiety, but I know the pain goes much deeper.  I feel scared, hopeless, stressed, negative, disillusioned, over-sensitive, and most of all, depressed.

And then it hit me!!  Depressed??  I feel depressed??  Of course I feel depressed!  I HAVE DEPRESSION!

As dumb as this may sound, I totally forgot that I am clinically depressed.  I also forgot that I only stopped taking Zoloft in July so it would make sense that my depression would "come back" after the medication left my system.

I figured this out on Monday.  The next day I had a ten hour panic attack.  It was horrible.

For me, having a panic attack feels like I'm waiting to die.  It's an intense mix of despair, disconnect, and anguish.  I sat at my desk hoping that I'd fall asleep and never wake up. 

I'm not sure what triggered the panic attack, but I know what fed it.  All I kept thinking was, "FUCK.  Now I have to go back on Zoloft."  This scared me more than dying.  Why?  Because I don't want to need it.  I wish I could be fucking normal and not have to take medication to think or deal or function.  I wish my mind wasn't my own worst enemy.

The battle between Me and I continues.

Budget Me This

Keeping a budget has changed me.  In fact, I think this whole budgeting thing is a big reason why I haven't felt like posting.  More on this later.  Right now I need to document history.

I, Thighs McGee, couldn't figure out if a 12-pack of Scott toilet paper on sale for $6.99 is a better deal than buying a single roll at $1.29.

Fifteen minutes later I decided it is.

I am not an idiot.  Blonde, yes.  Flaky, sometimes.  Bad at math, not so much.  In my defense I drank two Octoberfests in 45 minutes on an empty stomach before entering Rite Aid.

So why the need to post this after a month of not sharing?

1.  I'm buzzed.

2.  I'm still in awe of the world of discounts.  I've bought tons of things on sale before, but I don't feel like it was ever on purpose. Not having my Mastercrutch has made me more aware of my spending habits as well as the overall value of my purchases.  Totally a new way of thinking for me.

3.  I have never bought this much toilet paper in one shot before (this is where the documenting history part comes in).  I am super excited to see how long it lasts.  And I'm not exaggerating about the "super excited" either.  I giggled the whole way home thinking about it.   

So mark your calendars people!  On November 20, 2008 I have 12,000 sheets of toilet paper at my disposal....OH THE POSSIBILITIES!

Yahoo! Sports is dirty.

I think Yahoo! needs new editors:

Romo’s back, so are Cowboys with 14-10 victory

"Tony Romo had to learn how to throw with four fingers instead of five, and how to celebrate with his left hand instead of his right."

Gross.

I can't do it, Captain.

Sorry folks, I really haven't felt like posting.  

I don't even feel like writing fuck shit bitchcock.

Or maybe I do.

Fuck shit bitchcock.

Done.

Looking for Grace

I am extremely proud and excited to announce my brother and his friends have created an original web series.  This week is their coming out party, so please show your support by checking out their website and trailer:

www.LookingforGrace.com 

An Internet Event in 10 Chapters written by Nathaniel Halpern and directed by Aaron Rabin. After a young man (Harold) discovers his memories have been replaced by those of a mysterious woman named Grace, he sets out on a journey to find her, hoping to reclaim that which he has forgotten. However, along the road, he discovers a strange world in which nothing is as it seems -and that he is not the only one 'Looking For Grace'.

And if you're on Facebook, it would totally rock if you became a fan.

Yaaay Rippie!!

I love my friends.

I love my friends for many reasons, my favorite one being they humor my idiocy.

JP and Doll asked me for my address the other day.  I gave them my usual response.  They mailed it verbatim:



Thanks guys!

I'm scrappy.

I went to my first boxing class last night.  Man, do I love to punch things!  Who knew??*

I probably should have watched Rocky before I went though because I totally forgot what training entails. It's not all about punching; there are a lot of drills too.  I SUCK at drills.  

In the beginning we had to run laps, do high knees, kicks, side steps, and lunges around the room about 20 times.  Then we had to do a few minutes each of jumping jacks, sit-ups, and push-ups.  It was rough.  The rest of the class all about jabs, cuts, hooks, ducks, all of the fun stuff.

I swear to Shizza I turned PURPLE within 15 minutes.  I looked like I was going to die.  I can't help it, my skin is so thin and pale that once my blood starts pumping I change color.  

Luckily my face wasn't indicative of how I felt.  Granted I am really out of shape and had to stop for water a lot, but I made it the whole hour and felt fabulous when I got home.

So yes, while I'm not looking forward to the drills again I will definitely keep at it.  I'm scrappy people!  I was born to box!

*Everyone.

Hotel Bar Whipped Light sucks

I opened my microwave door and found a tub of butter inside.

I stared at it for a few seconds.  

Me:  "Are you really a tub of butter inside my microwave?"

Butter:  "Why yes, I am indeed a tub of butter inside your microwave."

Me:  "Interesting.  Did I put you there or did you put yourself there?"

Butter:  "I don't know. I'm a tub of butter.  How could I put myself in here?"

Me:  "Well, why would I put you in there?"

Butter:  "I don't know.  I'm a tub of butter."

Me (throwing the tub of butter into the garbage):  "Whatever.  I didn't like you anyways."

The End

Hello, Treadmill

Oof.  Just got back from the gym.  I haven't been on a treadmill in three years.  Three!

All I did was speedwalk at 3.5-4 mph for a half hour.  I tried to run and lasted a whole minute.  A minute!

I feel like jello.  Wait, my fat ass always feels like jello.  I feel like Bambi walking on a frozen lake.

This combined with yesterday's pilates is causing some ache-age.  I found something to help ease the pain though...

I keep saying "Whoa Momma" in Johnny Bravo's voice over and over again.  

It makes me giggle.

September Update

I don't know what my deal is lately.  I just haven't felt like posting.  I guess I should expect to feel like this once in awhile...

Here are some highlights from September:

1.  My SVA color theory class is so much fun.  We made a color wheel last week.  I spent three hours cutting pieces of paper and pasting them onto a bigger piece of paper.  JOY!

2.  I've only gone to the gym three times so far.  The first time I got my free session with a trainer who just happened to be a boxing instructor.  We boxed for about a half hour. She said I was a natural!  I'm psyched to take a class one day soon. 

The other two times I went were for pilates.  I am so UNnatural doing them.  Pilates is hard when you have kegs for legs!  I am forcing myself to stay with it though.  It's easy to see improvement in things you suck at doing.

3.  I went to an Introduction to Buddhist Meditation seminar.  It was a great experience.  I definitely want to do it again.

4.  Have I mentioned I'm trying group therapy with Cee?  Well I am; it started a couple of weeks ago.  I'm not sure if I like it yet, although it is making me a better listener.  I'd really like to become a great one.

5.  I LOVE FOOTBALL!!

6.  The Mets made me sad yesterday.  

7.  My OKC dating stopped early this month.  I went on a few more dates with one guy, but I think we're just going to be friends.  It's nice getting laid though.

8.  Not having a credit card is fucking killing me.  I'm embarrassed to share how much debt I am in, but yeah, it ain't good.  Put it this way:  I have never lived on a budget.  Ever.  On a publishing salary, too.  Fucking stupid. 

Rent aside, I only have $160 until October 15th.  On October 16th, I will drink myself into oblivion.  Feel free to join.

9.  And why don't I have any money?  This month I went to two Met games, one Jets game, a wedding in Jersey, got my hair done, and went out eating/drinking about seven times.  This was a typical month for me both socially and financially, except now I can't charge anything to get me to the next paycheck.  

I am 30 years old and shitty with money.  I feel like the biggest loser ever, but I can't let it go on any longer.  I will fucking shoot myself in the face if I'm complaining about my debt at 40.  

BLAM FUCKER!

Stop your fucking booing!!

I hate, hate, hate when supposed fans boo their own players.

The Mets are pissing me off too, but I REFUSE to boo anyone when I'm at the game.

I just read a quote from Luis Castillo...

“I know how it is here,” Castillo said. “The fans want you to do well. I try to do too much. I put too much pressure on myself. I need to be relaxed and enjoy the game. I have to play relaxed. Sometimes when you go to the plate, you’re thinking about the fans and what’s happening. I need to clean my mind.”

Sure he sucked this week by going 0-4 Tuesday night, but seriously...

SHUT THE FUCK UP MET "FANS"! YOU ARE NOT HELPING!!

I'm a viking!

This commercial sums me up perfectly...



whether I'm happy or sad, I'm still throwing something.

I can't tell...

if I have dark blonde hair or light brown hair.

I really wanted to go back to my original color...not sure if it worked though.  

Oh well. Chances are I'll chop it all off next spring. I've been itching to do that again!

It's time!

Congratulations! You are now a NY Sports Clubs member.

You’re signed up and ready to hit the gym. Print a receipt of your membership agreement and present it with a valid photo ID to a membership consultant at any Club location. You will receive a temporary membership card and can start working out immediately. On your next visit, once your membership is fully processed, you’ll get your photo ID taken.

Enough is enough. I want to be hot.

Pieces of Me

Well this is it. There's no turning back now.



I am scared shitless. Good thing I'm drunk.

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.

Out sick

Fitting after my last post, huh?

I feel like poop. Or maybe I should say I feel like poopING. Stupid Premio sausage at Shea.

At least the Mets won though!

What I gave up.

My last post was going to be a long detailed account of the shitty things that happened at work during the past week. I wrote and rewrote it like five times. Then I gave up and deleted it all.

None of it matters. All that does matter is I need a job, I need insurance, I need a retirement plan, and I need PASSION.

Company is the only place I ever dreamed of working. While my experience there was a bit of a roller coaster, there is no denying my passion for the the characters, the stories, my role, and my friends. It was probably passion overload, but now I can honestly say it was all worth it.

Since I'm no where near becoming a freelance anything (I haven't done a damn thing all summer), what company would I want to work for next? Where would I feel excited and proud to go to every day?

Oh shit. I think I know where.

I'll wait to share, but I will say this: it's definitely not in publishing. That chapter is done.

I give up.

Rainy Rooftops

I was just out on my roof in the rain. I thought it would be a cleansing experience. It wasn't. I got really anxious and scared. I'm not quite sure what happened.

When I got up to the roof I immediately felt insecure, as if all of my neighbors were looking out their windows, judging me for being up there in the rain. I hung back by the side of the stairwell so that no one would notice me.

I realized how dumb I was being and walked over to the rear wall just above my bedroom. Everything was fine until I got scared lightning would hit the antennae a few feet away, I would be electrocuted, and all of my neighbors would say told you so. Of course I'd already be dead and wouldn't actually hear them say this, but it bothered me anyway.

I walked back over to the stairwell to catch my bearings. "What am I doing?? Why am I so friggin' tense??" I had no clue. I forced myself to go back to the wall for a second, took a deep breath, and meditated.

Nothing. I couldn't get in at all.

This was ten minutes ago. I'm still feeling lost. I don't know why it was so jarring. I've gone up on my roof a lot this summer, so I'm definitely not afraid of heights. It's impossible to fall off because the walls are at least 4 feet high. There didn't seem to be anyone around, and really, who cares if there was?

Huh...I think I got something...

Right before I went on my roof, I was dancing in my living room with my iPod on. I didn't realize it was raining until I noticed my window sill was soaked. I closed all of my windows and thought, "Wouldn't it be nice to cool down in the rain? I should go up on my roof." Without hesitation I peed, threw on a shirt (I was in a sports bra), grabbed a towel, and ran upstairs. This took maybe 2 minutes.

That's it! Going on the roof didn't freak me out...it was the impulsiveness!

I am ridiculously impulsive. From shopping sprees, trips, haircuts, what I say, what I do, it's all on impulse. I used to be really bad, but I'm definitely calming down with age.

I went outside in a thunderstorm one night during college. I was standing in the driveway at the back of the house, rain pouring down on me. I started to spin around a bit and then for no apparent reason ripped off my shirt and bra and kept spinning. I was spinning half-naked in the rain. It was pretty awesome.

I have no idea if anyone saw me that night, but I didn't care. It's interesting to me that I felt so insecure today, considering I put a shirt ON to go outside. Maybe that's what this was all about: finding the balance between being a responsible, mature adult while still being the carefree wild-child of my youth.

Is there such a thing as being responsibly impulsive? If I plan to eventually do something on a whim, is it really on a whim? I'll have to think about this some more. I guess that rain really was cleansing...

Some old sketches...

I figured if I'm going to art school, I should probably share some actual artwork huh?

Sadly I don't have anything recent to show. I think a good way to get back into drawing will be to force myself to post some of my art on here.

So here is some of my old stuff. Excuse the scan quality, still trying to figure out how to clean them up.:

Hobgoblin, drawn at age 16



Sabretooth, drawn at age 19



Daredevil, drawn at age 22



Something, drawn at age 30

???

Live from Jackson, NJ 2008

I'm at my parents' annual Labor Day party. I'm having a really good time! I'm a little drunk right now; nowhere near as fucked up as last year though. Thank god my one cousin didn't come in from Vegas. I love him, but yeah, I can't "just say no" when he's around.

I've been texting with a guy from OkCupid all day. All week in fact. I like him, but I sort of don't want to meet him. I went out with two other guys before I left for Seattle. They were nice, but definitely didn't do it for me. As a result, I'm a bit discouraged about meeting this one.

Let's hope he doesn't suck.

Unless it's boobs.

My boobs.

Hmmm.

I guess I'm drunker than I thought.

Fat Analyst

I am so sick of being a fat slob. It’s getting worse and worse. The scale isn’t moving, but everything else is. I can hula without a hoop.

Eating habits aside, I know if I just went back to the gym I’d be fine. My body responds really well to exercise, yet I refuse to do anything physical.

The truth is I’m scared shitless to try. I’m afraid to lose weight because I’m afraid of gaining it back again.

Four years ago I lost twenty-five pounds. In 2007 I put fifteen of them back on. Fifteen pounds in one year. Disgusting. I am a complete failure.

Here are my thoughts:

~ Why should I bother? It’s not like I’ll keep the weight off. I might as well be a miserable whale for the rest of my life.

~ I don’t want to spend money on a gym membership or on new clothes.

~ Say I lose weight. Will I live in fear of gaining it back for the rest of my life?

~ Say I lose weight and gain it right back. Will people judge me? Will people start calling my Carnie?

~ I don’t know if I have the mental or emotional strength needed to risk another failure. I am a delicate flower…a 180 pound delicate flower.

~ Why the fuck can’t I be positive about this? If I keep saying I’m going to fail, I really will fail!

~ What happens if I lose the weight and feel so fucking good about myself again that it NEVER comes back? Would feeling good about myself be so bad?

~ What happens if I lose weight and still hate my body?

~ I gained the weight back when the shit hit the fan at Company. How will I stop myself from emotionally eating the next time I’m under a lot of stress?

~ What happens if I lose weight and still can’t get a boyfriend? Being fat is a good excuse for being single. I think.

~ My parents are mean to me about my weight. They always have been. It’s worse when I yo-yo…do I want to even deal with their shit again?

~ I spent $350 on The Dress that doesn’t fit me anymore. It would be nice to wear it again.

~ It would also be nice to wear a bathing suit without shorts. I’ve never had nice legs; I have no idea what it feels like to have them.

~ Am I afraid to look good? Am I afraid of the attention I maybe, sorta, possibly would get?

~ Do I even WANT to lose weight or do I feel like I SHOULD lose weight? It’s like paying off my debt. I don’t really NEED to do either of those things. Why do I feel like I should? Because life will be better? I have an active imagination, and I can’t even fathom being thin and debt-free…

~ Is this my real problem, that I can’t visualize myself on the other side? I daydream of jet setting off to London for the weekend without regret and wearing a bikini without fear, but do I really believe these things could happen?

WAAHHH!! I hate everyone.

Aller-Geez!

Ugh...I am dying a slow painful allergied death.

I started feeling the stuffy fuzz the minute I walked back into my office yesterday.

The "stuffy fuzz" is when it feels like the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland is chilling out in my nostrils and blowing his hookah smoke right up into my eyes causing them to be ridiculously itchy and watery.

My body must have put its guard down out west and forgot to put it back up again when I got home.

Damn fresh air! It's killing the visiting New Yorkers!

And I wonder...

An OkCupid guy asked me, "If you were reincarnated, what would you come back as?"

My answer?

Well, I have a sneaky suspicion I was a black overweight ex-baseball player who liked to cook in my last life, so I'm guessing I'm due to be a petite Asian man who is really good at calligraphy in my next one. (I think I read somewhere that your sex changes with every reincarnation.)

And I wonder why I'm single...

I should have just said a freakin' butterfly.

Seattle Trip Pics

It took me forever to figure out how to resize photos on a Mac...can't they replace the "straighten" button with a "resize" button in iPhoto??

Anyhoo, check out my Seattle pics.

They're boring, but I like it that way. I rarely take pictures of people. I think it's because when I went to Europe in high school the only pictures I took were of my friends. I barely have any photos of Italy, Germany, and Switzerland, but I have a bunch with people I don't talk to anymore. Boooo!

Seattle Trip Deets

I have such vacation-head right now. This means I want to jump out of my life and start a whole brand new one. It usually takes a few days for this feeling to wear off, so in the meantime I'm doing some soul-searching, trying to figure out what the brand new life would be...more on this later.

Seattle was so incredibly fun! A big thanks to Janeypants, the JP family, and Techno for showing me around town and allowing me to invade their weekend. I love that no matter how much time has passed between visits, we can always pick up right where we left off. Heck, I hadn't even met JP's husband and kids yet but I feel like I've known them forever! What an incredibly generous, kind, and welcoming family. JP, it was obvious Doll hit the jackpot when you went out there...it's great to know you did, too.

The trip was everything I wanted it to be and more. I spent time with my friends, caught a Mariners game, took some nice pics around the city, drank some great microbrews, and spent a lot of time enjoying the outdoors. The weekend in review:

1. Thursday night Techno and I walked around downtown for a bit. We ate dinner at the Crab Pot, a fun seafood restaurant by the water. They dump the food right on the table!

2. On Friday JP and I walked around downtown again, then hung out in the Seattle Center. I must be the luckiest person ever because it was the perfect day for sightseeing. The views from the Space Needle were amazing; I still think all of the mountains (Rainier especially) are paintings.

3. Friday and Saturday afternoons were spent in the fake mountains. (Yes, they are still fake even though I was on them.) We went for a 16 mile bike ride down one and a 6 mile hike up and down another. It was surreal. I still can't get over the beautiful scenery. From the blue skies, the trees, the streams, and the waterfalls, it was all too much for me to wrap my head around.

4. Saturday night we headed off to the game. Our seats were in the upper deck above home plate, which is one of my favorite places to sit. There's no better way to take in a new stadium and I must say, Safeco is a great one. It's a shame the Mariners aren't doing well; the stands were empty and the crowd was sort of quiet. Then again, I've never visited a team with fans as obnoxious as NY.

The other reason why it's a shame the team isn't doing well is Ichiro. He didn't get much action in right field, but the plays he did make were outstanding. It amazes me when a player exudes talent even when they aren't doing anything. Ichiro is no exception.

5. I spent Sunday morning by myself taking some more photos around town. It never occurred to me how much I need alone time, even on vacation. It's nice to be aware of it now.

I don't think I've ever written about my love of Jimi Hendrix. My list of favorite things has always been random and a bit vague, I guess because I was afraid of picking the "wrong" thing for so long. Jimi was probably the first musician I allowed myself to love without fear. I mean, how can anyone listen to Castles Made of Sand and not "melt into the sea?"

The Experience Music Project was pretty cool, but it was his statue over in Capitol Hill that got me. It made my heart sing.

You know what? I'm going to end here...I'd like to hang with Jimi for a while.

SUCK IT MONKEYS!

I'm off to Seattle tomorrow morning!!

Lots of pictures when I return!!!

Exclamation points!!!!

Fear of Dating

Being afraid of both dying alone and commitment isn't working out (DUH), so it's time to get over myself and start dating.

Since I'm also watching my budget I decided to give the free OKcupid a try. I figure it will be a nice practice ground before I pay for eHarmony or Match again, both of which I didn't take too seriously the first time around.

It's only been a week so far and it seems promising. Of course I just have to accept the fact that writing in my profile that I love comic books and Star Wars is going to attract somewhat unattractive men-folk (double DUH), but whatevs. I need to be with someone who believes in both.

Know who I DON'T need to be with? The guy who wrote me this message an hour ago:

hi im phil and i really liked your profile...want to talk to a rich well hung man??


Look, I love money and DDA, but do I want to be with someone who writes this? Nope, and frankly if I were him I wouldn't want to date a girl who'd respond "Yes". Even in my whoriest days I'd say no.

Guys if you're rich and hung like a horse then keep your mouth shut. Let me or any other girl be pleasantly surprised later on.

Weekend Photos

This one was taken from my bedroom window last weekend. I played around with the filter on my camera. I call it Lilac Dreams.



I went out the past two nights, so I decided to lay low today. I realized I left my umbrella at the bar yesterday, so instead of being my usual spendthrift self and automatically buy a new one, I went back to go see if it was still there. It wasn't. At least I tried.

I decided to walk around the city for awhile. There is a church up in the 50s I wanted to take a picture of, so I thought I'd hoof it uptown the thirty blocks or so to find it.

At one point I was headed west on 32nd and saw the building below. I LOVE this building. Or is it an annex? I have no clue what it is (if anyone knows, do tell), but I've wanted to take a picture of it for years. I'm glad I finally got the chance to!



Couldn't find the church though.

Biopsy came back fine!

Yiiippppeeee!!

No credit, no problem!

I have a confession to make. Or maybe I already confessed it. Whatever.

I am a charge-holic. A plasti-holic? A secretly-wishing-someone-will-pay-off-my-debt-for-me-until-then-I'll-keep-buying-things-I-can't-afford-aholic?

I'd say I suck with money or budgeting, but I've never tried to manage my finances before. If I run out of cash, I charge. No biggie, right? WRONG. Really wrong.

I have excellent credit, just a lot of it. I've had a balance on my card since I first applied. That's going 12 years. 12!! Sure it's not the same debt (I think), but it's still debt.

So for the first time in my life I WILL NOT BE CHARGING CRAP ANYMORE. "Crap" means food, beer, clothing, comics, housewares, anything other than classes. And I shouldn't even be charging them either, but I'm allowing myself to do this by viewing it as a school loan rather than an impulse buy.

I haven't gone out all week. Thank god for two things. One, I get paid on Friday and two, Freaks and Geeks. I never watched it before and holy fuck it's awesome. At first I wanted a foursome with Jason Segel, Seth Rogen, and James Franco. Now? Oh my gosh, I think I like Martin Starr best! I know it's totally weird, but Bill makes me crack up. He mumbles the funniest shit! Maybe I'll just make it a fivesome and call it a day...

Back to finances. Credit bad. Cash good. My goal is to have all my debt paid off by 35. Totally doable.

I can't believe how excited I am to do this. I feel like an adult!

WHAAAA???

080808

Imagine the last time you had de ja vu. Now try to imagine the last time you had de ja vu, without the de ja vu.

This is how I felt during Carla and Steve's wedding. I was reliving a memory of an experience I knew hadn't happened yet.

It was almost as if the night had been on loop through the universe for years and only the magic of 080808 made it a conscious reality.

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. B. Thank you for inviting me to the real thing.

An explanation.

I didn't realize how much I disliked my job until the day after I wrote my Eye Deerunk post. I was completely shocked over how blunt I was about looking for a new gig. Only blogger shitheads write about stuff they could get fired for, which leads me to believe that I am in fact, a shithead.

The truth is I don't hate my job. I hate ME at my job. All of my favorite patterns are back.

I am the queen of questions. I enjoy knowing why we do something, where the data comes from, what is the purpose of the report I need to create, are we providing the reader with all the pertinent data they need to make a decision in a timely manner...the list goes on.

Pattern 1: I ask a question, no one knows the answer, I get frustrated.

I spent 8 hours last Friday doing data entry.

Pattern 2: I get paid well to do monkey work. A normal person would be happy by this. Me? I immediately jump to what this means on a larger scale. My assumption? Bad spending = mass layoffs.

I saw some ineffiencies and offered to work with IT to fix them. Two patterns come out of this:

Pattern 3: People are either uninterested or too busy to brainstorm and create a plan of action. I get frustrated because they don't seem to care that fixing it now will save time in the long run.

Pattern 4: The IT projects mean more to me than the job I was hired for, so I end up making a stupid mistake on my day to day reports. When I'm called out on it I get pissed off at myself for making the mistake. Then I get more pissy when I find out the mistake is on a report no one looks at (my boss said so). If no one looks at the report, then why are we even running it?? Guess what...frustrated.

I begin to feel like I have nothing to learn here and wonder if I should move on.

Pattern 5: I begin to feel like I have nothing to learn here and wonder if I should move on.

So what does this all mean?? It means I haven't learned a damn thing from my time at Company.

First of all, I still think I know best. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW EVERYTHING ASSFACE! (I'm talking to myself here.)

Second, I'm still getting frustrated over things that, at the end of the day, have absolutely nothing to do with me.

Third, as I try to work through my frustrations I tend to come off condescending and pushy.

And last, I feel like I'm not learning anything only because I'm not learning what I WANT to learn.

The real joke of this is that I took this position because I didn't want to care about any of this shit. I realize now that I don't know how NOT to care. I also don't know how to put my head down and do as I'm told either. And I want to be a freelancer one day?? Please, all I'll be doing is taking orders but it will be ten times worse because the orders will be to change something I actually created!

God damn it! I really don't know how to break any of these patterns and if I don't break them now, I'm just going to take them all with me to the next place.

Fuck me and my shithead self!

Jett Favre!!

WOW.

The Gayest of Days

As I was walking down Broadway in Astoria I overheard:

Guy 1: "...and I said if ESPN wants to expand their network to..." (stops and looks at friend real quick) "You know what ESPN is right?"

Guy 2: "I'm not THAT gay!"

About 15 minutes later I'm sitting on the train at the Lexington and 59th Street station. A guy gets on carrying two long boxes. What's inside? Track-lighting.

I got off the train a couple stops later and ended up walking behind a very fashionable male talking on his cell-phone. He said, "Shut UP", "ohmygod", and "gay" like eighteen times in the three minutes I was within earshot.

The Gayest of Days I tell you. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Normally Abnormal

I wasn't going to write about this, but fuck it.

My pap came back abnormal. I took off today to have a colposcopy and biopsy. The doctor said everything looked fine, but we'll have to wait until the biopsy results are in.

I never really get upset about health stuff. My mom taught us at a very young age to always go for regular check-ups, follow-ups, and follow-follow-ups. If anything was wrong we'd deal with it together, so there was nothing to worry about. Well nothing for ME to worry about; she'd worry enough for the both of us, and then some.

I gotta be honest though, I was pretty nervous and upset this morning. Part of the reason is because I addressed so many annoying health problems last year that I guess I thought I'd be fine for a little while. Apparently I was wrong.

Another hiccup, the day after I was told I'd need a biopsy I found out my thyroid is out of whack again. This really isn't a big deal (they'll probably just increase my Synthroid dosage), it's just come on already. Why can't proactive people automatically get a good-health gold star??

Alright, alright. Enough of the whine. I am a very healthy and fortunate person. Lately I've had some issues, but they were relatively minor and manageable. I guess if anything HAS to be wrong, common ass and cervix colds are easy to deal with. Let's just hope they stay that way.

Strategic Sunburning Gone Terribly Wrong

Read my previous post first, then read this, then laugh your ass off.

And I said, "it worked." Yeah, I probably should have waited a few hours before doing a post-mortem. I look like I'm ready to guest star on Alien Nation.

Blonde Moment #137 brought to you live by my idiotic self. Go me.

Strategic Sunburning

Since I'm the Queen of Tank Tops I always manage to get the dumbest looking Irish tanlines.

MJ and Steve-O's wedding is this week (WOO HOO!) so to avoid looking like a zig-zagged candy cane in my dress, I decided to strategically burn myself to cover the white stripes on my shoulders, chest, and back.

This requires more work than one would think. I spent a good ten minutes carefully placing SPF 30 on the already sunburned parts and then spent another five minutes pondering if this was a good idea or not. I mean really, am I so shallow that I will risk skin damage to look not even good (because no one looks good sunburned), but to have a consistent coloring??

Yes. Yes, I am. And it worked. I am now a solid carnation from the cleavage up. Yaay melanoma!

Trigon Kid

Rip has this linked on his Myspace page and I just had to steal it...




Is it just me or do you get the feeling this kid owns a jet and is awesome in bed, too?

Here are a couple more ads to enjoy...hot damn do I love good marketing!

Trigon Commercial 1

Trigon Commercial 2

Breakthrough No. 11: 'Angsta Rap

A friend of mine said he enjoys reading this, even though he can sense the angst in my writing.  My initial reaction was, "Angst? Really?"

The word was stuck in my head all last week. Angst. Angst-ridden. Angsty angst.  (Oddly enough the more I write the word the LESS weird it looks.)  It never occurred to me to use it to describe my emotions, but it's true. I am Madam Angstalot.

It's amazing how one simple idea has the ability to dissolve a complex layer.  The moment I accepted my angst is the moment it started slipping away.  By defining this one emotion, my memories already seem different and the feelings associated to them manageable.  I'm not sure why, but it's good.

I'm beginning to wonder if I ever grew out of my teen angst years.  I have felt the same heaviness in my heart for as long as I can remember.  Sure things are getting better and better with age, but I know the hurting 10 year-old and troubled 17 year-old Mes are still in there longing to be saved.

It's interesting that angst is socially-acceptable for teenagers, but not for adults. If angst is related to the stress of having too many choices and the fear of making the wrong ones, wouldn't a 30 year-old be more susceptible to feeling it than a kid?

Maybe the volume is just turned up in our youths because we had so much other shit to figure out back then...eh, who am I kidding? All of my emotions are set to 11 and I'm STILL figuring my poop out.

At least now I know why I related to Claire from Six Feet Under so much!!